The Monsters of Flamingo Lagoon The Zoo

THEY BEATBOX

THEY SCAT

THEY HARMONISE

Shut up.

It's Monday morning at the zoo.

Where some of the most elegant and beautiful examples

of the natural world can be found.

Oh, thank you very much. Very kind. Hm.

I was actually talking about the birds.

What? Birds?

How very dull.

What can a bird do that I can't do?

-You mean apart from fly?

-No-one was asking you, Geoffrey.

-And lay eggs.

-Geoffrey?

-Yes, boss?

Shut up.

There are 129 species of birds at the zoo.

And many of them live in and around Flamingo Lagoon...

INDISTINCT CHATTER ..a beautiful, tranquil place.

Never break in like that, you overgrown sparrow!

-Like this?

-No!

-Excuse me...

-What?

You two, you know you don't need to break in through the fence.

You could just fly over with your wings.

Oh, yeah. Good point.

Yeah, good point.

Well, get on with it, then, Sid.

THEY STRUGGLE Right, where was I?

It's a beautiful, tranquil, watery haven.

But recently, rumours have begun to surface that there

are monsters lurking in the lagoon.

And the source of these rumours is senior head keeper of birds,

Mr Pete Smallbones.

No, that's actually his name.

Sometimes you'll feel them.

-Like I say, you can almost feel them around your feet.

-Oh.

Other times, you kind of almost get

the Loch Ness Monster kind of breaking of the water from the body.

But there's a problem - you see,

not everybody at the zoo believes the stories.

Mark.

Mark, have you heard about Pete's monsters?

-Pete Smallbones?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I wouldn't take any notice

-of what Pete says, to be honest.

-Oh.

-Hi, Chas.

-Hi.

-You all right?

-I'm good, thanks.

Great.

Have you heard about Pete's monsters?

-I have heard about them.

-Well, what have you heard?

I've heard that they're there.

Do you think he's going to find them?

-I don't think he is.

-Clearly.

Pete Smallbones, totally off his rocker.

-Yeah, Gaz, totally off his rocker.

-Yeah, all right, Sid.

Back to work.

THEY STRUGGLE

I think the rest of the zoo were certainly sceptical, to say the

least, but the monsters of Flamingo Lagoon, they're definitely here.

-And how often have you seen them?

-I think there's two just over there.

Where? Oh. Is that...?

Pete? They're ducks.

Actually, they're white-faced whistling ducks to be specific.

-I'm going to check.

-No, they're definitely ducks.

-Hold on. Aren't you supposed to be head of birds?

-Yeah.

-You should know this stuff.

-Yeah.

Meanwhile, rumours of the monsters of...

LOUD AND ECHOING: ..Flamingo Lagoon...

-..are spreading through the zoo.

-Oh, Jimmy.

Have you heard? There's monsters in the water.

Man, what you talking about? Oh.

Wait a minute. I feel something.

I told you, Jimmy. Quick, out of the water, Jimmy!

-Oh, here comes the monster!

-I can't look!

JIMMY BREAKS WIND LOUDLY

That really was a monster.

Man, you're one dirty tortoise.

You are one dirty tortoise.

But over on Gorilla Island, Jurgen is...

Hold on, where is he?

He's...in there.

-What's he doing in there?

-He's refusing to come out.

-He says it's for his own safety.

-What?

Sh-h-h! There is a monster in the loose.

Oh, not you lot as well. Where?

By the climbing frame.

Look.

Oh. Oh, that's not a monster.

It appears to be some kind of fluffy rodent.

That's what I told him.

It's actually called a marmot.

It's basically a massive squirrel.

-JURGEN GASPS

-What?! A squirrel?

-I've heard they're deadly.

-Deadly?

Erm, not really.

JURGEN GASPS

Geoffrey, it's looking at me!

Right, I think I'll just leave you boys to it.

Back at... LOUD AND ECHOING: ..Flamingo Lagoon...

Keeper Pete has a foolproof plan to prove the existence of his monsters.

So, what is it, then?

Got a waterproof camera on the end of this pole,

and what I'm hoping to do is get some footage of our monsters.

Right, well, good luck.

Yeah, good luck with that, mate.

He's totally lost his marbles.

Eh, Sid? Sid?

Oi, where's Sid gone?

Sid?

Meanwhile, Pete continues his search.

-Found anything yet, Pete?

-No.

-I can't see anything at the minute.

-Ah, funny that.

While there appears to be no monsters in...

LOUD AND ECHOING: ..Flamingo Lagoon...

over on...

LOUD AND ECHOING: ..Gorilla Island... Oh, no.

Hang on, that one is just Gorilla Island. Sorry.

Over on Gorilla Island,

Jurgen's monster invasion shows no signs of imprisoning.

The situation has got worse.

The tiny monster has brought reinforcements.

That ain't reinforcements, that is a rabbit.

A rabbit?

You mean the monsters with the deadly poisonous saliva?

Erm, no.

-You're thinking of a Komodo dragon.

-Yes, Geoffrey.

That's it. A Komodo rabbit.

Erm, no, Jurgen.

No.

Sid!

Sid! Sid!

-It's like the Loch Ness Monster, isn't it?

-No.

-Or Jaws.

-No, it's not, Pete.

It's nothing like that, really.

Do you not think it's time you gave up on the whole monster thing, Pete?

I'm not so sure, my friend.

I can't find Sid anywhere.

What if he's been eaten by the monsters?!

-Well, what's he look like?

-Well, he looks just like me.

Maybe not as good looking, but, you know -

yellow beak, white feathers.

What, just like that white feather that's floating suspiciously

-on the lagoon that's supposed to be full of monsters?

-Yeah.

Just like that.

Sid! He's been eaten by the monsters!

They're real! The monsters are real!

And it seems that Gaz isn't the only convert to Peter's monster theory.

Sam, you've actually seen some down here just along the water's edge?

I've actually seen some down here, just along the water's edge.

That's what I said.

So, can you show me where you've seen them?

This is unexpected. I thought Pete was making this up.

I actually came to get some water out one day,

-and there was one swimming along the edge of the bank.

-Wow.

What did it look like?

I only saw a flash of it, but they're very long.

Well, what colour was it?

Sort of a greenie grey.

I have filmed them once.

I filmed them when I was over feeding the flamingos.

Really? Well, let's see it, then.

Wow, this is exciting. I'm actually a bit nervous.

Proof. Proof that there are actually monsters.

I can't wait. I cannot wait!

What was that it, then?

-Yeah.

-It's hardly Godzilla, is it?

-No.

-No, I've made bigger ripples in the bath.

-No.

I have. Anyway, it seems that maybe the rumoured

monsters of the lagoon might well exist.

Oh, Sid, you were like a brother to me.

Not favourite brother, of course.

But a brother nonetheless.

But thankfully the monsters over on Gorilla Island

are nowhere to be seen.

Geoffrey?

Have they gone?

Yes, the coast is clear.

No killer rabbits or bloodthirsty squirrels to be seen.

Dave, is he telling the truth?

Oh, yeah, yeah. No squirrels.

Can't see any rabbits, but...

Oh, my gosh.

-What's that?

-What?!

Oh, dude, it's huge!

And hairy.

-And it's looking right at me!

-What is it?

I think...

it's a gorilla.

Dave, it's me - Geoffrey.

-We're all gorillas.

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's just Geoffrey.

Coast clear, dude.

OK, I'm coming out.

HE WHIMPERS

Here, Jurgen, why are you so scared of small fluffy animals?

-HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-Who's scared?

-I'm not scared.

-Hey, guys.

Has anyone seen a big squirrel and a rabbit round here?

I borrowed them from the petting zoo.

Oh, they were yours, where they?

-What did you borrow them for?

-Well, like pets, I guess.

Yeah, fair point.

Anyhoo, if you do see them,

can you send them my way?

I don't want Jurgen freaking out.

JURGEN GROWLS

He's been petrified of tiny creatures

ever since he got beaten up by a hamster when he was just a boy.

-A hamster?!

-HE SNIGGERS

Shut up. It was actually quite traumatic.

It was a very big hamster.

DAVE LAUGHS

You'd better not be laughing, Dave.

Geoffrey?

Shut up, both of you.

Beaten up by a hamster!

That's a good one.

Well, that's one monster mystery solved, but over in...

LOUD AND ECHOING: ..Flamingo Lagoon...

There was movement here, literally.

Oh, come on, Pete.

Ooh.

I think something just touched my leg. Oh!

I have seen them prey on flesh, so if you go down...

-What?

-It might latch onto your neck.

All right, Pete. That's enough.

-Oh, he's rubbing against the camera.

-Right,

I'm getting out of here. Argh!

It's going to kill me, Pete! What is that?

What is that? What is that?!

-Eels.

-What, eels?

Yeah. These guys are European eels.

Well, ooh-la-la.

I don't give a monkeys where they come from, Pete.

You said they were monsters.

Well, sometimes you have to make your own amusement, don't you, so.

No, Pete. No, you don't. But if there's no monster...

then what happened to...

GAZ SOBS

We are gathered here today to talk about Sid. Sid was a mate.

Not a best mate, of course, but a mate nonetheless.

I'm going to miss his ugly little face.

Ugly little face, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And revolting personality.

Revolting personality, yeah.

And his terrible sense of humour.

Wait, what, Sid?

-I thought you'd been eaten?!

-What?

Well, I ain't. I've just been for a poo. A big one.

-Queue was massive.

-Oh, right.

I mean, not I was bothered or nothing.

Why are your eyes all watery? Have you been crying?

No, it's...hayfever.

Anyway, shut your beak and help me break in.

I can't believe you lot actually believed there were

monsters in the lagoon.

Wait a minute, what's that? What's that?

Argh!