Match of the Brain Kickabout Ultimate Brain

Ho-ho-ho-ho. great stuff, GP!

-Check me out, Dr Brain.

-Yeah, look at that.

I'm practising cos I want to impress the Match Of The Day Kickabout gang.

Oh, silky skills there. Oh, that reminds me,

why couldn't the car play football?

Er, you know what, Dr Brain?

I don't know. It might be something to do with the Fifa regulations

against cars playing and they might destroy the pitch with their tyres.

If there's American cars playing, maybe they'll always be offside.

You need to look at the rules. Are they allowed to play?

-It complicates the entire integrity of...

-No, JP.

DR BRAIN SIGHS

Why do I put myself through this?

Let's kick off the show.

GP YELLS

Can Guinea Pig make a sizeable splash

with these ingenious inventions?

Who will be the speediest snorkel squirter?

And which team will reach the top of the pops?

Let's get to it.

This is Ultimate Brain!

CHEERING

MATCH OF THE DAY THEME PLAYS

And here he comes, it is Dr Brain on the ball. To Dr Brain.

Look at those skills. Still Dr Brain.

Goal!

Amazing stuff there from Dr Brain.

Quite simply the greatest footballer we have ever seen.

Yes, it is a footy special here on Ultimate Brain.

-IN COCKNEY ACCENT:

-It is a game of two halves, you know what I mean?

Ah, shut up! Let's do it again.

Time to meet the teams.

First up, going for goals, it is the Green team from East Sussex -

Fresh from Suffolk, hoping to get ahead-er of the game,

come on you Yellows -

And aiming for the back of the net, it's the Blues from

Match Of The Day Kickabout -

I have searched far and wide to find the greatest science geniuses

known to mankind, or even monkeykind.

And here they are.

Let us first of all meet the Blues.

-IN COCKNEY ACCENT:

-You hear that a lot down the old Chelsea, don't you?

# Come on you Blues, come on you Blues!

Football folk, eh? What team do you support, go on?

It's a bit of a mixture over here. I am a Chelsea fan.

I'm Nottingham Forest.

Manchester United.

I support half monkey, half Man United.

DRUMROLL AND DR BRAIN LAUGHS

Blues, what's your team name?

-So, Dr Roxy, you've got a little doggy, is that right?

-Yeah.

-What does your doggy do?

-She runs in her sleep. She is like...

DR BRAIN LAUGHS

I've got a pet that does that.

LULLABY MUSIC PLAYS AND SOMEONE SNORES

Yellows, what's your team name?

Poor old Newton. Newton, the famous scientist, of course.

That means you're brainy science types. I like that.

Now, the Greens.

-How are you doing, Greens?

-Good.

-We're doing fine.

What's your team name?

Well, that's the show over, there's no time for anything else.

That's the longest name I've ever heard.

So, now then, Dr Marcus, I hear you like a certain film theme

-and you were made to sing it once?

-Yes.

-Was that at school?

-Yes.

-And what was the tune?

-James Bond.

-Can you give us a little blast?

HE SINGS THE JAMES BOND THEME TUNE

-Yeah!

-THEY CHEER

I think Miss MONKEY-PENNY would be pretty impressed

and I'm going to give you out of 10... Hmmm...

007.

Our secret mission is to be the greatest scientists of all kind

and this is the game where we have

a craving for creativity and we need all your brain cells firing

on all cylinders because now it is time for the warm-up.

MUSIC: Eye Of The Tiger by Survivor

Not that kind of warm-up, GP.

Come on, give us my questions.

-Thanks, GP. Are you ready for your questions?

-Yes.

Here we go.

Take 6,

times it by 4,

then add 3,

then take 5 away.

Bioluminescent Chocolate Jellyfishes.

22.

Is the right answer. What word am I spelling backwards?

Bioluminescent Chocolate Jellyfishes.

-ALL:

-Biology.

Is right again.

-What is this sound?

-FIZZY DRINK POURING INTO GLASS

-Bioluminescent Chocolate Jellyfishes.

-Water.

Water is not quite right.

-Newton's Nightmare.

-Is it a tap?

No, it's not quite right.

-Sporty Scientists.

-Pouring a drink.

It is indeed a fizzy drink.

Now then, how many letters are there in the word...

Newton's Nightmare.

13.

Is the right answer.

They're a brainy bunch today, aren't they? Now, final question.

Put yourselves in order, the shortest at the front

and the longest at the back,

of your arm span.

When you are ready, buzz your buzzers.

Bioluminescent Chocolate Jellyfishes.

OK, let's have a look at the Greens.

You're right! Well done, you Greens.

Fantastic. Didn't they do well?

Let's find out the scores on the doors.

MATCH OF THE DAY THEME TUNE

Go, John. Go, John.

Oh, look at that!

-Yeah, John.

-Keep going.

THEY CHEER

You thought you were just going to get science.

No, you get everything on this show, folks,

cos this is Ultimate Brain.

This round we are about to do is all about balls.

What I have here is a bowl and inside of it,

lots and lots of balls of different sizes.

And I am going to give you 10 seconds to look at the bowl

and I am going to give you 20 seconds to think about it

and confer and decide and tell me in funfair fashion,

how many balls there are in the bowl.

You're going to decide whether there are -

..of your own thinking.

Your 10 seconds of looking time starts

-now!

-HOOTER BLASTS

Have a look. Have a look.

THEY WHISPER AMONGST THEMSELVES

HOOTER BLASTS

That's it, time's up, show's over, show's over, folks, step away.

Have a think now.

THE TEAMS CONFER

They've got four options.

Did they count the correct number of balls?

HOOTER BLASTS

OK, your thinking time is up, folks.

Time to reveal your answers

now!

C, C, C, C. I told you, see?

Three Cs.

C which means you all opted for -

OK, Yellows, why C?

-Harry got 24.

-I got 23.

-And I got 24 as well.

Greens, what about you?

Laiba got 22, I got 23 and Mohsin got 24.

-Blues?

-John didn't have a clue, bless him.

That doesn't surprise me.

-He just saw a ball and wanted to kick it, basically.

-Yeah.

-I think 27. Tyler, what did you think?

-Yeah, I counted 27.

I can tell you that the official answer is

34.

34? Well, let's count them, shall we?

There are one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight marbles.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight ping-pong balls.

And one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,

eight plastic ball-pool balls, which makes 24.

Now, Dr Laiba, could you put your hand in there,

please, and see if there's anything else you can find?

They are see-through.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Show it to your friends at home.

There we see, look at that.

Don't squeeze it too hard.

Don't squeeze it too hard. Look at that. Try for another.

See if you can find one.

All you can see of them is their little shadows.

What do you think those are made of?

They are made of stuff called hydrogel.

Yes, weird stuff, and it reflects light in exactly the same way

as water, which is what makes it invisible.

Would you care to show us, Dr Tyler?

Just lift one out for us and just gently lower it

-into the water and you see it...

-HE GASPS

-See how it disappears.

-Just like that.

-Wow!

-Just like that.

-I would say it was magic but in fact it's science.

Hydrogels are manufactured substances that are super absorbent.

Having been left to soak for 48 hours, these balls are 99.9% water.

Similar polymers are used in nappies because they soak up

and trap so much water,

keeping babies' bottoms dry and preventing nappy rash.

-HE CRIES LIKE A BABY

-Mummy!

They put that stuff in nappies! That's bonkers, innit?

THEY LAUGH

Well, folks, you all opted for C,

which is wrong.

But, because you all got how many balls were visible,

I'm going to give you all five points each. Well done!

THEY CHEER

Points all round, everybody's happy.

-IN COCKNEY ACCENT:

-So, I was on holiday, right, the other week,

down in Lanzarote with a few of me science mates, right?

And I had Professor Stephen Hawking on the left of me,

an old mate of mine. And I said, "Isn't it beautiful?

"Sun, sea, sand." And he said -

-IN STEPHEN HAWKING'S VOICE:

-"Yes, look at those waves.

"Waves are extraordinary.

"Radio waves, microwaves, subatomic waves."

I said, "Oh, Steve, shut up about waves, mate.

"Do you want me to do an experiment for you?" He said, "Yes, please."

So we've decided to do an experiment all about

who can create the biggest wave.

My teams have been given £50 and two days to come up

with their cracking contraptions.

Teams must think of a way for GP to create waves in the pool.

Their designs must consider the best way for GP to get the water

moving, including how he uses the power of his own body movement,

weight and strength.

The team that helps GB get the highest waves will get

a surf-tastic 10 honour points.

And now, shall we meet the person who's going to try 'em out?

It's my good old friend,

the super-surfing

-Guinea Pig!

-CHEERING

What are you doing, Guinea Pig?

Dr Brain, you told me to practise making waves

and I've been practising all night

and I think I've finally got it down.

Not that kind of wave, Guinea Pig!

Ooh! Let's get on with the game.

Here I am, with my good friends, the Bio... The Chocolate...

-The Bio-chocolate...

-HE STUTTERS AND SIGHS

The Greens. Here they are.

So, what's the name of your plan?

Wave Surfer. DR BRAIN MAKES GUITAR SOUNDS

-I like it.

-What happens is,

Guinea Pig lies on the body board and holds on to both the ropes...

-Got some ropes there, yes, I see.

-..and pulls, which will make a wave.

'Bioluminescent Chocolate Jellyfishes have gone for

'a super-streamlined body board to help GP move through the water,

'providing a large surface area with which to create waves.

'As he pushes from the side of the pool

'and pulls back on the ropes provided

'they hope to increase his speed and the force with which

'he can push back and forth through the water.

'Let's find out if the Wave Surfer gives GP the power

'the Greens need to WAVE bye-bye to their competitors.'

The force of his body as he pulls, that's going to create a wave,

-is it?

-Yeah. He pulls as hard as he can, remember that.

-What do you call this plan?

-Wave Surfer.

-Wave Surfer.

I think you want to call it the Titanic because I'm going to sink

-without a trace.

-Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Ever done any surfing before, GP?

-Only on the internet.

-DR BRAIN LAUGHS

Let's do it. Three, two, one, go, GP.

HOOTER BLASTS

Go GP, go on the board.

-Keep going.

-GP, lie on it.

-Go on, GP, lie on it.

Come on.

THEY SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

-He is off!

-Get back a bit.

-Go on, GP.

-Now, GP, go back a bit.

Got up to one so far.

-Yeah, that's good. Now, pull!

-Need a bit higher than that, I think.

Yeah, that is good, GP. Now push, push. Now pull!

-Oh, he's lost the board again.

-Come on, GP.

-Not doing very well, is he?

-Back on, GP.

-That's it.

-Now, a bit more back.

A bit more back, a bit more back, and he's got to try and pull.

-Oh, he is pushing himself. He has come off again!

-Go on, GP.

-Get on again.

-GP, lie on it. Lie on it!

-Come on, GP.

Time's running out, everybody.

Go on, GP.

HOOTER BLASTS

Well, that's time.

I've learned one thing from that experiment and that is that

GP won't be winning any surfing competitions any time soon.

MUSIC: Surfing USA by The Beach Boys

Unlucky, GP. So, what do you think went wrong there, Greens?

GP's really not got the right body for body boarding.

Because Guinea Pigs weren't designed to swim.

Here I am with the Yellow team, also known as Newton's Nightmare.

So, what's the name of your plan?

-ALL:

-Mission Bounce.

-Mission Bounce?

-So, what's going to happen here, then?

-Well, it's a rubber ring...

-A rubber ring.

-..with a piece of wood over the top.

-I see.

And so Guinea Pig's going to sit in it and

he's kind of going to put his arms on the side so he is kind of

sat in it and he's going to bounce up and down in the water.

But you have got to keep in rhythm, so we're going to clap for you.

-We're going to clap the rhythm.

-So, when you hear the clap, you bounce.

You've got to keep it in rhythm so then the waves will get

bigger and bigger.

'Newton's Nightmares' Mission Bounce involves

'a huge rubber ring for GP to sit in and they've added

'a wooden board on top to give it weight

'so it can produce maximum force!

'When GP bounces up and down,

'the ring's design should displace water and create waves.

'If GP can bounce to the team's rhythm, he might just be able

'to catch and combine smaller waves to create bigger ones,

'like at sea, when the wind creates lots of smaller waves

'and they combine in a storm. Oh, anyone else feeling seasick?'

HE GROANS

-I DOUGHNUT know if it is going to work, Dr Brain.

-I Doughnut know!

HE LAUGHS

-Let's see it in action, shall we?

-ALL:

-Yeah!

We're going to go in three, two, one, go, Guinea Pig!

HOOTER BLASTS

-Guinea Pig, over your head.

-Yeah, yeah. In.

THEY SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

-And then kind of sit down and push up and down.

-Sit down.

-Not on the thing - in it.

-In it.

-Keep going.

-Bounce.

-Not on it - in it, innit!

-That's it.

-Keep bouncing.

THEY SHOUT "BOUNCE" OVER AND OVER

It's moving. It's definitely moving.

It's coming up more. Oh-ho-ho! He's flooding the place!

THEY CONTINUE TO SHOUT "BOUNCE"

It's working!

'Matching the frequency of those waves is amplifying them.'

-It's working really well!

-HOOTER BLASTS

I think that's time up.

-Well done, Guinea Pig.

-Go, Guinea Pig!

-Well done, Guinea Pig.

-Yeah, that went really well.

-Well done.

Two things happened there - one, you did quite well in the

experiment. Two - you completely flooded the whole studio.

I'm exhausted, Dr Brain.

I'm not surprised, you know.

As our good friend Roy Hodgson would say -

-IN ROY HODGSON'S VOICE:

-"I think both teams have done very well

"so far but they could do a little bit better in the second half."

Let's see if he is right. It's the next plan...

-You weren't that tall before. How did that happen?

-I ate my greens.

Ah, good boy. So, what's the name of your plan, Blues?

It's called The Kickabout Guardian.

It's based on a famous statue in Newcastle, OK?

And it's practically a bird with one arm.

Because the pool actually isn't that big.

We underestimated how big GP's arms were.

-Oh, I see.

-So we're going to change it slightly.

He's now going to put his arms in front of him.

Mimicking The Angel of the North. Hardly an angel, is he?

-I look like a rubbish windmill.

-No, you look beautiful.

And all you need to do is push the water up and down like flat.

As hard as you can.

'The Blues' Kickabout Guardian provides GP with wooden wings,

'designed to flap with force, displacing water and creating waves.

'Adapting their plan and bringing the wings forward, will their design

'be strong enough to propel the water across the pool, or is GP

'more likely to just get himself in a flap before he's even started?

'As those heavy wings go into battle with water resistance,

'will they prove strong enough and indeed, will our GP?

'Hopefully, he's been eating his greens.'

Well, let's see if it works.

-Three, two, one, go, GP.

-HOOTER BLASTS

THEY SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

Flap your hands...Wings!

-Flap.

-Flap up, down.

-Flap up. Down.

-Up.

-Down. Yes!

-Up.

-There you go, there you go.

'Ooh, got one there.'

-At the same time - down.

-Ah, here we go.

-Up...

-Down!

-There we go.

-Keep going! Up... Down!

He's doing a Mexican wave.

Down! Oh, no!

Oh, no! Breakage. They've got breakage.

We have breakage.

Oh, double breakage.

There, you see? Oh!

Of course, the force of the water is breaking the equipment.

HOOTER BLASTS

That's time up. Time up!

-Well...

-We've had a shocker.

Now, there's your problem - it broke.

What do you think went wrong with that, then? Where did it break?,

Well, we don't really know.

-Thank you.

-Would it have been the force of the water

-smashing into your equipment?

-Maybe.

-So, did you all enjoy that?

-ALL:

-Yeah.

It was three very different plans there.

Greens, you had your surfboard. Didn't quite come off, did it?

The Blues with your weird sort of flapping duck wing things.

DUCK QUACKS

And our bouncy, bouncy Yellows, and I can reveal that the winner

of 10 points for this round

-is the Yellows!

-CHEERING

Well done. Look at that.

High fives!

Fantastic. But will they do so well in the next round?

This round is all about lightning reactions.

Hey! Oh! I frightened the life out of myself.

Now then, we enjoyed getting Guinea Pig wet so much,

being in the pool, we thought we'd take it a little deeper.

We're going to do a snorkel experiment.

Yes, what we're going to do is we're going to fill those snorkels

with special coloured liquid, placed in there by my good friend

Mr GP himself, and on the sound of the guinea pig's squeal,

they're going to go and the first one to blow their water out

of the top of their snorkel is going to be the winner.

So, Guinea Pig, fill them up, if you please.

Now, folks, whatever you do, don't try this at home.

This studio is packed with scientists,

so just use snorkels for what they're meant for -

swimming!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Here we go.

A GUINEA PIG SQUEALS

Wow. That was extraordinary.

And wet!

Stupendous snorkelling spirit from all our contestants,

but whose snorkel spouted the most speedily?

It was impossible to tell with the naked eye

so we're going to have to go to the slow-mo.

All teams blowing with vigour. Thar she blows, Cap'n!

But there can only be one winner.

It's a win for

-the Greens.

-CHEERING

Well done, you Greens. Look at that, celebrations and jubilations.

Well, will they still be celebrating in a few minutes

when we try the next round?

Wow, Dr Brain, that's some lovely decor.

-Did you design it yourself?

-I did, actually.

Now, ha-ha, GP, you and I,

we've popped a fair few balloons on Ultimate Brain, haven't we?

Ah, yes, memories that'll make you jump!

DR BRAIN JUMPS AND LAUGHS

Well, what our teams have got to do is using a selection of items

here, they've got to pop as many of the balloons as they can.

We have two halves of an orange, an ordinary plastic fork,

a boxing glove, a magnet and a slotted spoon.

Sounds simple, right?

Well, inside each balloon is a little penny,

just like in this balloon here, you see. You see that?

A little penny inside there. you see?

Now, they've got to pop the balloon, catch the penny,

-put it into the piggy bank.

-TILL RINGS

Now, the team that gets the most pennies into the piggy bank

-will win.

-I would use the boxing glove.

-Go on, have a go, then.

Let's see. Let's see if this works.

THEME FROM "ROCKY"

HE SIGHS

Let's hope our teams are more inspired.

-On your marks, get set, go.

-HOOTER BLASTS

And they're off.

Oh, look at this.

Using fruit.

The Blues have gone straight for the fork.

Oh, oh, oh!

THEY WHISPER AMONGST THEMSELVES

Thinking, plotting.

THEY YELL AND DR BRAIN CHUCKLES

-THEY WHISPER AMONG THEMSELVES

-Come on, you've got to get moving.

Too much thinking, not enough doing.

The Greens have ditched the oranges.

Oh-ho, look at that.

Bosh!

Brute force. Violence.

-Get smashing.

-Go, go, go, go, go!

You won't get anything at this rate.

Can they find the pennies? That is the question.

He's smashing so many of those balloons. Can they keep up?

Smash them like this. With both of them.

The strength on him.

Look at him go!

Yellows have yet to even pop one balloon,

let alone pick up a penny.

Go, go, go!

-Jab it with the fork.

-Come on, Yellows!

-And then pop it with the...

-HOOTER BLASTS

Time up.

So, when you have finished an exciting and marvellous

experiment like that, the next thing there is to do is to analyse it,

so Yellows, what was your method?

-I've seen before on one of the other Ultimate Brain shows...

-Yes.

..that they worked out that the acid of the oranges was used

to pop the material.

Yes, but it's not actually acid but oily chemicals in the peel.

But I like your thinking.

We did it but it didn't work so we came back and we grabbed

the fork and I just stabbed it and then the time ran out.

Well, part of the problem was,

you spent a lot of time plotting and discussing.

You didn't hold the oranges on for long enough

to really have an effect on the balloon.

So, unlucky.

I can reveal that you didn't get any pennies in to the piggy, did you?

-ALL:

-No.

-Unlucky, Yellows, what a shame.

Now then, Greens, remind us - what was your method?

First, Marcus whacking them with the oranges,

then with that fork kitchen thing.

You sort of used a mixture of violence, aggression and brutality.

-Do you think it worked?

-Yeah.

You got a few, didn't you? Blues?

You are the strongest so he obviously popped them with the fork.

He was the muscle. You used him as the muscle and you were the brains.

-What were you doing?

-Well, we weren't!

We thought we were the brains until we put the gloves on and realised

how hard it was and then we realised there was a magnet, after.

You were popping much quicker than they could pick them up

-and you definitely got a few, didn't you?

-Yes.

But did you get as many of them?

We are quite confident, actually.

I can reveal that the Greens

got five.

And the Blues,

-they got eight.

-CHEERING

Well done. So, now, there is actually an elegant little solution

to this.

Now, Dr John, you mentioned the magnets.

Shall we have a little look?

-You place one of these under here like this.

-Oh, my gosh.

-No.

Why do think that is happening?

Magnet says, "Come here, penny, I want you to come to me."

Attracts the penny towards it.

Whoa! There you go. Pretty amazing, right?

So there we have it. All to play for as we go into the last round.

HE SQUEALS

As we approach the final whistle in this extraordinary match -

# You're green and you know you are

# You're going home in a posh BBC car. #

-Are you ready?

-ALL:

-Yes.

Hands on brains. Question 1 -

Emperor, King and Rockhopper are all types of what?

-Sporty Scientists.

-Penguins.

-Is the right answer.

-CHEERING

Where are the smallest bones in the human body found?

-Newton's Nightmare!

-The eyes.

-Ooh, no, it's the ear.

-I knew that!

True or false, protons have a negative charge.

-Newton's Nightmare.

-False.

Is the right answer. It's a positive charge.

What does a seismologist study?

Newton's Nightmare.

Is it the size of animals?

No, it's earthquakes.

In what country would you find Mount Fuji?

-Bioluminescent Chocolate Jellyfishes.

-Erm, Fiji.

No, it's Japan.

The system in your body that allows you to breathe, beginning with R...

-Sporty Scientists.

-SHE STUTTERS: Respiratory system.

HE MIMICS HER STUTTERING AND SHE SQUEAKS

-Respiratory system, well done.

-Yes!

Which floaty element has a chemical symbol of He?

-Newton's Nightmare.

-Hydrogen Neuroxide?

Oh, unlucky, it's helium.

Which microorganism beginning with Y is used in bread-making?

-Bioluminescent Chocolate Jellyfishes.

-Yeast.

Yeast is correct.

True or false, a newborn baby's brain is one quarter of the size

-of an adult's brain?

-Bioluminescent Chocolate Jellyfish.

True, true.

It was 50-50 and you're right!

-What colour socks is GP wearing today?

-Sporty Scientists.

Red, white, oh, gosh. Yes, yes!

You're right!

Which type of bird beginning with H can fly backwards?

-Bioluminescent Chocolate Jellyfishes.

-Hummingbird.

-Is right, it's a hummingbird.

-HOOTER BLASTS

And there we go! What an amazing quickfire round that was.

-Give yourselves an Oggy, oggy, oggy!

-ALL:

-Oi, oi, oi!

Marvellous. But there can only be one winner

and their prize is honour.

In third place, with 19 points -

-it's the Yellows.

-CHEERING

Well done. 19, that's a lot of points.

In second place, with 23 points is

-the Blues!

-CHEERING

Which means our winners,

with an incredible score of 27 points,

-it's the Greens!

-CHEERING

Magnificent stuff.

And there's the trophy, they're lifting the trophy.

They did pretty well. How well did you do?

Join us again for more Ultimate Brain!

Ah, another brilliant show done.

-Well done, me.

-HE LAUGHS

Dr Brain, I looked into the rules of why cars aren't allowed

to play football and it turns out there are actually

-no rules...

-No...

-..that don't allow them to play football.

That includes aeroplanes and combine harvesters...

No, no, no, GP, GP, it was a joke, you see?

Oh, yeah, I knew that.

Why couldn't the car play football?

Cos he's only got one boot!

One boot! Ha!

Oh, I give up.

HE SNORES