Ultimately Awkward Ultimate Brain

What's the hardest thing about learning to fly?

Well, I guess getting off the ground would be really difficult,

especially for me cos I don't have any feathers.

So, how do I learn to fly? I don't know.

And imagine, once you got up there, there's air traffic control

to deal with and the bats cos they scare me.

-What would I do to have to get around?

-No, no, no.

-I'm going to have to figure this one out.

-It's... It's a joke.

HE SIGHS

That's what you call getting off to a flying start.

What happens when liquid nitrogen comes face to face

with a pit of balls?

Will Guinea Pig fly?

And which team will have the bottle to shine as musical marvels?

All that and much more on Ultimate Brain.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

HE SINGS A TUNE

That's my new air guitar. HE CONTINUES TUNE

Pretty good, eh?

I bought it on Oh-oh Bay.

Ping! Oops!

Broken string. So awkward.

Let's do this thing.

Time to meet the teams.

Here's three brilliant brains in green.

From East Sussex, it's...

From fair London, in yellow...

And our celebrity team in blue are the not-so-awkward

but also sooo awkward...

Yes!

Here are the boys from So Awkward. It's the Blues.

-Nice to meet you, Blues. How are you?

-Yeah, good thank you.

Are you big science fans?

-UNCONVINCINGLY:

-Yeah.

-Mainly Charlie.

You're on the right show. And, Dr Archie, your character, Ollie,

-is he a bit of a fan of science?

-Very much so, yes. He loves science.

-Did you get to do some science stuff in the show?

-I did.

I got a lot of props that involved a lot of meticulous button pushing,

-but it was a lot of good fun.

-What's your team name?

Awkward Sugababes, I love it.

-Good luck to you, Blues.

-Thank you.

Yellow, how are you doing?

-Awesome!

-Awesome! I love that.

-Where are you from, Yellows? ALL:

-London.

London, mate. I hear you're a bit of a writer.

I like writing fiction and adventure.

Do you think you might write films one day...

about a half-man, half-monkey who goes into space

with his guinea pig friend?

Need any actors for it? I'm available.

What's your team name?

Astrorats. That's a good name.

Like lab rats but from space.

Good to meet you, Yellows. Good luck.

-Greens, how are you? ALL:

-Good.

-Good to see you. Where are you from?

-East Sussex.

-Oh, very nice.

Now then, Dr Ines, you're quite clever, aren't you?

-Yes.

-A little bit clever.

-I'm a member of Mensa.

-Mensa, for clever people.

Of course, I'm a member of Mensa as well.

What's your IQ, then?

I think it's 162.

Mine's 245 million, 700 billion and 92 trillion and a few more

and a couple more and a bit more. HE LAUGHS

What's your team name?

Nice to meet you, Greens. Good luck on the show.

Those are the teams and this is the show with a need for speed,

a craving for creativity

and a desire for incredibly ingenious ideas.

Now, it's time for the warm up.

Not that kind of warm up, GP. Bring me my questions.

Ta very much. Are you ready, teams? Here we go.

Pollyjuicers.

-14.

-Is right.

What word am I spelling backwards?

The Awkward Sugababes.

-Mercury.

-Is also right.

What is this sound?

Ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti.

Pollyjuicers.

-Is it a grasshopper?

-No.

Anybody else?

-The Awkward Sugababes.

-Cricket.

No, it's a garden sprinkler.

How many letters are there in the word...

-Pollyjuicers.

-Is it nine?

No!

Astrorats.

-Eight.

-Yes, it is eight. That's right.

Now, put yourselves in order -

the shortest at the front and the tallest at the back.

And press your button when you've done it.

Pollyjuicers. Oh, let's have a look.

Yes, you've done it! Well done, you Greens.

What a fantastic round, and that was just the warm up.

What's the rest of the show going to be like?

I can't wait! It's too exciting!

Greens are in the lead, but Blues and Yellows aren't far behind.

Welcome to my laboratory.

Now then, Dr Jamie,

I was just thinking, if you guys had a dog,

-do you know what it would be called?

-What?

Awkward PAWS!

Awkward...

CHURCH BELL TOLLS

Sorry, a bit awkward that, wasn't it?

Anyway, here we are. What do you think I've got in this flask here?

Dry ice or liquid nitrogen.

Oh, that's right. Liquid nitrogen. That's exactly what it is.

What do we know about liquid nitrogen?

-It's really, really cold.

-It's really, really, really cold.

-Do you know how cold it is?

-No.

Roughly round about minus 200 degrees.

HE SHIVERS Boy, is that cold.

Let's see what happens when I pour a little bit into the tray like this.

Look at that. Oooh! It sort of evaporates.

HE LAUGHS EVILY

What I'm going to do is I'm going to pour some

into that little bottle there.

I'm going to put the lid on.

I'm going to put it into that metal bin down there

and then I'm going to cover that metal bin with some colourful balls

and I want you to tell me what you think is going to happen.

But I'm not just going to ask you,

I'm going to give you four options from which to decide.

Your options are...

Popping in the balls fly popcorn.

Something perhaps only you have thought of

and not even the great Dr Brain.

What about you? Have you got an answer? What do you think?

Well, teams, your thinking time starts now.

-HOOTER SOUNDS

-It's B. It's definitely B.

C was the loud noise with the rattle.

So, what will happen?

The metal cracking and I don't think that would happen to metal.

THEY CONFER

-Because it's going to put it in a bottle.

-Do you have your answer?

I think B's our best option.

ALARM SOUNDS That's it.

Your thinking time is up, folks. No more thinking, no more talking.

Let's see your answers...now!

B, C and a C.

So, let's go for Greens first.

We thought, like, cos it's really cold,

when stuff gets cold, sometimes they break, so it might crumble.

Oh, I see.

Because the liquid nitrogen is so cold,

-it might even freeze the plastic on the balls?

-Yeah.

And you think that's going to have an effect on the plastic

-and make them crumble?

-Yeah.

-I see.

I'm going to ask you Yellows first. Why have you gone for C?

We think that the nitrogen will make the balls start shuffling

because...when it touches it enough, it'll make a noise.

I see. So it's going to make them sort of vibrate in some kind of way?

-Yeah.

-Let's see. Now, Blues, you've gone for the same answer.

It was more possible I thought than the metal crumbling in on itself.

I was going to go for D, but then we just decided on C in the end.

Ah. What would your D have been?

-Maybe the balls...

-Spill out on the floor.

Time to see what happens.

HE LAUGHS EXCITEDLY

Here we go then. I've asked the teams to maintain a safe distance.

Safety first, folks.

And whatever you do, please don't try this at home.

Right, are you ready? Here we go.

So, in it goes, the liquid nitrogen here.

Here it comes. Oh, it's cold. It's very, very cold.

Right, lid going on. I've got to be quick about this.

There it goes. That's going in there.

Picking up the balls.

Geronimo!

Pop!

HE LAUGHS

That's what you call an Ultimate Brain BOOM moment.

I love science! HE LAUGHS

Amazing!

The very cold liquid nitrogen started to evaporate in the bottle,

building up pressure inside it, until it burst,

creating a mini explosion, not unlike when GP has had too much gas

building up inside him,

although this explosion was a lot less hazardous.

HE TRUMPS

So, teams, you can remove your ear defenders.

SHOUTS: I said you can remove your ear defend...

Ah, that's better, yes. And your goggles, you can take them all off.

So, there we go, folks.

You couldn't call that anti-climactic could you?

If it had been D, explodes, do you think you might have gone for that?

-Probably.

-Possibly. Shame it wasn't on the list, ey?

-Greens and Yellows, did you enjoy that?

-Yes.

So, you weren't quite right.

Unlucky. Nobody gets any points, but we all had a blast.

Ha! Oh...

Oh, well, come on, let's clear up.

Come on, everyone. One, two...

I'm in a little bit of trouble.

What happened was I phoned up my old mucker, David Attenborough,

and he said, "Oh, I'm sorry, Dr Brain,

"I'm currently in the middle of a very important interview.

"What do you want?" I said, "Well, the thing is, I want to make a film

"of my guinea pig flying, you see, and I just wondered

"what's the best camera angles to use,

"best lenses, all that kind of thing?"

He said, "I'm sorry, Dr Brain. I'm going to have to stop you there.

"Guinea pigs can't actually fly."

I said, "I think you'll find they can."

He said, "I think you'll find they can't." I said, "They can."

He said, "They can't." I said, "They can." He said, "No, they can't."

I said, "All right, I'll prove it to you.

"I'll film him flying and I'll send it to you."

What am I going to do?

So, I've asked my contestants to come up with some plans

some contraptions, some devices to help the guinea pig fly.

I gave them two days and a massive budget of £50

to come up with their plans.

Teams must think of a way to help Guinea Pig take flight

and leap as far as possible across the foam-filled pit.

Their designs must consider the best way to propel GP through the air,

and the team that manages to help GP fly the furthest

will win ten Honour Points.

It's my good friend Mr Guinea Pig!

DR BRAIN LAUGHS

Here he is.

What's all that about, then?

I'm preparing to take flight like a real bird. I'm in penguin mode.

Guinea Pig, penguins can't fly.

Oh.

Safety warning - Guinea Pig is a trained stunt guinea pig.

Do not try flying at home.

Oh, you humans, you just don't get it, do you? You can't fly.

You got no chance, don't even try it. Let's see the first plan.

Oh, this is a bit awkward.

I'm having to hold on to Guinea Pig

cos I'm a bit worried about the Yellow plan, you see.

Whoa!

Talk us through the plan, Yellows. What's it called?

-ALL:

-The Glazing Glider.

Snappy! What's the plan?

The balloons are to make him lighter. They're filled with helium.

And the springs are to make him bounce and launch.

Ah, so they're going to spring him forward

and these are going to help him float across.

-Exactly.

-A double-pronged attack.

-How do you feel, GP?

-I'm terrified, Dr Brain.

Oh, don't be frightened. What can possibly go wrong?

Astrorats are hoping to send GP up into the stratosphere

with their Glazing Glider plan.

They have attached balloons filled with lighter-than-air helium,

which makes them - and they hope, GP - float upwards.

For added height in his flight, he also has springs on his feet

to lift and aid propulsion.

Will we see the Yellows glide into first place,

or will this plan leave them deflated?

Three, two, one...

Blast off! HORN SOUNDS

Arghh!

# Up, up and... Up, up and away in my... #

MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY Look at that.

-Do you think it went well?

-Yeah.

It was certainly very springy, wasn't it?

What do you think you could have done better?

-Maybe we put too much balloons on.

-Too many balloons, do you think?

Was it good enough? We'll soon find out, I guess.

Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. It's the Green plan.

So, what's it called?

-ALL:

-Super Skating Super Fairy.

So, Guinea Pig has on some roller skates.

It's so he can go down the platform with some speed and go across.

-And what's he holding?

-Some spring poles

so he can push himself to go higher.

-And what's he wearing?

-A Superman outfit cos he flies,

fairy wings cos fairies fly and a pilot hat cos pilots fly planes.

Very good. So you're hoping to channel the energies

of superheroes, fairies and pilots to give him more flight?

The Pollyjuicers have come up with the Super-duper Skating Fairy plan.

Launching GP down a ramp wearing roller skates,

he'll have speed and momentum on his side

as he also uses a pair of sprung sticks to propel him across the pit.

Dressed as a Superman-cum-fairy-cum-pilot,

how could he fail to take flight?

I've never been more terrified in my life, Dr Brain.

You'll be fine. Here we go.

Three, two, one...blast-off!

HORN SOUNDS Go on, Guinea Pig.

Go on! Go on! Go on!

-Yeah!

-Look at that!

MUSIC: Superman Theme

Well done, Guinea Pig.

He certainly flew, he certainly came off the ramp.

-How do you think you did, Greens?

-I think he did well.

-Pretty well?

But did you do well enough to win?

So, this is the Blue plan.

-What's it called? ALL:

-Project Cyclops.

-Subtitle...

-ALL:

-Chair.

-What's going on? What have you got?

The chair is the main feature.

-Yes?

-It will descend using the bungee ropes

and then Guinea Pig must evacuate the chair.

-So it's like a human slingshot.

-I see.

So, we're going to let go of this with him sitting on it.

This is going to fly down here and, when it hits the bar,

he's going to be thrown into the ball pit.

And what's this for?

-We had some money left, so...

-Oh, I see.

-So you bought a whoopee cushion?

-Yeah.

-I see.

Well, I think we should place that under your bottom there, Guinea Pig.

I'm glad you had all this money to spend on safety

and you had some left over for your own humour.

The Awkward Sugababes. Project Cyclops, Subtitle - Chair

will see GP catapulted into the pit.

The tension in the bungee ropes pulls the chair forward

and gravitational potential is turned into extra speed.

When the chair is stopped by a buffer, GP isn't.

His speed will continue to throw him forward across the pit.

This is why when standing on a bus that brakes suddenly,

you still find that you move forward

and why you must always wear a seatbelt in the car.

Here we go. Three, two, one...

lift off! HORN SOUNDS

Go on, Guinea Pig. Oh, look at that!

# I whip my hair back and forth I whip my hair back and forth

# I whip my hair back and forth

# I whip my hair back and forth # I whip my hair back and forth

# I whip my hair back and forth I whip my... #

You seem pretty pleased with that.

-Definitely. That was really good.

-Do you think your plan worked?

-Very much so, yes.

-What was so good about it?

Well, it got him pretty far

and he timed it perfectly and jumped off just in time.

In the last one, he was dressed like Superman.

I think, in this one, he was actually Superman.

And there was a whoopee cushion used. What's not to like?

TRUMPS LOUDLY Brilliant. Nice one, Blues.

That was pretty good. But will it be good enough?

Dave, you know you said guinea pigs can't fly?

"Yes." We've proved you wrong, mate.

He can, and he did.

Now then, Yellows.

Your plan didn't quite go as well as you'd hoped, did it?

-No.

-What do you think went wrong with it?

I think the springs didn't work. They were a bit weak, maybe.

Not boingy enough.

Unlucky, it didn't quite come off,

so I'm afraid you don't get any points.

Now, Greens and Blues,

I can reveal that between you there was only 20cm.

So, one of you is going to get ten points

and the other team is going to get five points.

And the team that's going to get ten points is...

-the Blues!

-Yes!

Well done, you Blues.

# I'm flying without wings. #

So, Greens, even though you didn't win, you still get five points!

Well done! The Blues flying high after that round with 12 points.

IN FRENCH ACCENT: Ah, hello. Welcome to Dr Brain's painting class.

You know, we scientists love fascinating discoveries,

and back in the late '40s and early '50s,

there was a man called Jackson Pollock

who made a fascinating discovery that instead of painting paintings,

if you just threw paint at a canvas,

everybody called you a genius and gave you 50 million quid.

CASH REGISTER RINGS

So, we're going to try something like that ourselves.

Now then, teams.

RESUMES FRENCH ACCENT: You've got your artistic berets on,

you have an apron and you have some paint.

And what you are going to do is you are going to squeeze

the paint bottle, Jackson Pollock-style.

RESUMES NORMAL VOICE: When you hear the signal,

which is the Guinea Pig squeal,

and the one who's paint hits the screen first will be the winner.

OK, are you ready, teams?

-Yes!

-Stand by.

GUINEA PIG SQUEALS

DR BRAIN LAUGHS

Tres artistique.

But who was the fastest?

Let's have a look at the replay.

C'est magnifique.

It's a masterpiece.

It belongs in a gallery or a museum,

or actually, it'd look really nice hanging up in my downstairs toilet.

It's too close to call.

We're going to have to have a look in slow mooo-tion.

Ah, they are all budding artists,

but it seems Blue is top of the class.

The fastest paint to hit the easel was that of the Blues.

Well done, you Blues. Very, very pleased there.

He's pretty happy about that

and I look forward to seeing this particular painting

on Antiques Roadshow in about 50 years.

It's time for the next round.

The round of inspiration.

The Blues remain ahead of the pack,

but there's still time to catch them.

So, GP, what do you know about bottles?

I love fizzy cola bottle sweeties.

Oh, no, no, no, GP. You're supposed to give them up, remember?

You know what it's like when you have sugar.

Everything in moderation, GP.

But have a look at this. See these bottles?

Some of them are empty-ish and some of them are fuller.

It depends on your outlook on life.

Now, do you know what happens if you tap one of these?

It makes a little sound like this. GLASS PINGS

The higher the level, the lower the note.

See, that one's higher cos it's got less water in it.

HE HUMS A JAZZ TUNE

Jazz and science, what a combination.

So, what our teams have got to do,

they have got to rearrange the bottles into the right order

so that, when tapped down the line from my left to my right,

will play a famous tune.

MUSIC: Ten Green Bottles

Think you could do that, GP?

-I could totally play a famous tune.

-Come on then, let's hear it.

TAPS BOTTLE MONOTONOUSLY Oh, sounds like Sam Smith.

MUSIC: Money On My Mind by Sam Smith

Let's hope our teams are a little bit more inspired, eh?

# Money on my mind. #

This is the tune you're trying to get.

MUSIC: Ten Green Bottles

Your time starts now. HORN SOUNDS

Greens are straight into the science.

It will be lower, so it will be small.

Testing testing.

Let's take them out.

Oh, there you go. There's your starter.

-Which...? Which...?

-Wait...

What's going on here?

It starts with that one.

All change.

No, two of those notes, so that one will be second.

You can't play it all on the same bottle.

-Less water is the higher sound.

-OK, yeah.

Blues finally twigging it.

I think those front two are OK.

-Do we swap these?

-No, no, that's right.

-It should be...

Oh, nearly.

No.

Or not.

# Ten green...green... #

No points for singing, I'm afraid, Jamie.

Or spilling.

-Those two, swap over.

-Not long left, Greens.

JAMIE WHISTLES Oh, now whistling. So awkward.

Just freestyle.

Just put it in any order.

Final testing.

END OF ROUND SIREN That's it, time up.

That's your time up. Leave the bottles there.

I think we got it right.

IMITATES JOOLS HOLLAND: And so, ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome, fresh back from their tour of Australia,

Darth Pickle and The Cucumbers, otherwise known as the Yellows.

Let's hear your tune, please.

Oh, an interesting take. How do you think you've done?

-All right. OK.

-I think we got half of them.

Yeah, we got the first part right.

Welcome to BBC Radio Three and our Proms concert.

Tonight, we'll be hearing from Le Bleu Symphonique

and their new wonderful piece D With Diva.

You have to hit them in order, please. Take it away, please.

# Der-er...standing on a wall. #

What a wonderful, wonderful tune.

-I think we got it right.

-No, we didn't.

Let's hear Ten Green Bottles played on nine green bottles

by the Greens. Ladies and gentlemen, the Greens.

SHE PLAYS CLOSE APPROXIMATION

Ah!

So, the team who got it right and get ten points is...

-the Greens!

-Yeah!

Scientific, artistic and musical.

They've got the whole package, this lot.

But one team failed rather miserably.

-Which...

-Wait, what are you doing?

HE WHISTLES TUNE

Just freestyle. # Ten green...green... #

# But if one green bottle should accidently fall. #

Now, what you would have noticed was the more water in the bottle,

the heavier it is, and therefore it vibrates more slowly

and makes a lower noise.

It's the opposite if you blow in

cos the more the air, the deeper the noise.

Now then, it's time for the final round.

Wow! What a show we've had so far.

Teams have shown their talents in art, they've shown them in music,

creativity, but how is their knowledge?

Let's find out. It's time for the quick-fire round.

-Hands on your brains, teams. Are you ready?

-Yeah!

Let's do this. Tibia, fibula, and metatarsal are all types of what?

Pollyjuicers!

-Bones.

-Is right.

True or false? Arteries carry blood to the heart.

Astrorats!

-False.

-False. That's right. They carry it away.

Which sticky substance builds up if you don't brush your teeth?

Astrorats!

-Plaque.

-Is the right answer.

What fruit fell on Sir Isaac Newton's head?

Pollyjuicers!

-Apple.

-Yes, that's right.

Actually, it helped him to develop the theory of gravity.

What are the attractive colourful leaves of a flower called?

The Awkward Sugababes.

-Petals.

-Yes. Aren't they lovely?

What are the feelers on an insect's head called?

Pollyjuicers!

-Antennae.

-Well done.

Which part of a cell contains genetic information?

-Astrorats!

-Brain cells.

Not right. It's the nucleus.

What do fish breathe through?

Astrorats!

Their cheeks. Their skin.

It's the gills.

When was the last time Guinea Pig washed his feet?

Pollyjuicers!

-Never.

-It's not bad.

It was a week last Wednesday.

True or false? Jupiter has a ring.

Pollyjuicers!

-True.

-True, yes.

Actually, it's got quite a few.

Which mirrored devices beginning with P are used in submarines?

The Awkward Sugababes!

-Periscopes.

-Is right.

Which is bigger - a violin or a viola?

-Astrorats!

-The viola.

-END OF ROUND SIREN

Is right. That's the end of the show.

It's time to find out who has won the ultimate honour.

So, in third place with eight points it is...

the Yellows!

-Yeah!

-Well done there, Yellows.

In second place, with only one point less than our winners, it is...

the Blues!

Which means our winners are the Greens!

THEY CHEER

Haven't they done wonderfully? Haven't they done brilliantly?

With 27 points there, Greens.

Look how happy they are.

You're happy, aren't you, Guinea Pig?

I'm over the moon.

I hope you're happy. Did you get the questions right?

See you next time for more Ultimate Brain.

What a great show, Dr Brain. It flew by.

Oh, that reminds me, my joke.

What's the hardest thing about learning to fly?

The ground.

-Do you get it?

-But you don't fly on the ground.

-The ground is on the floor.

-Ground's hard, isn't it?

You see... Oh, don't try and work it out.