Episode 5 Walk on the Wild Side

Hiya. I'm famous tortoise world record-breaker, Helen Shellton,

and I am today's host for Walk On The Wild Side.

In the next half-hour, I am going to attempt to break not one,

but three, tortoise world records.

In fact, I've just been told that I'm very close to breaking

another world record for saying "world record" the most times

before a show starts.

I only have to say it three more times, so here we go.

World-record, world-record, world-rec...

MUSIC: "Theme from Jaws" by John Williams

All reet?

THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY

Shhh! There's Josh now. Oh!

Hi, girls.

THEY GIGGLE

Hi, Josh.

THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY

-Which is why I catch the bus.

-Mmm.

Hello, excuse me. >

-Hello, what's that?

-I'm a worm. >

I am stuck in my hole. Can you help me out, please?

My, don't worry, here we go.

You grab hold of me, that's it. Now, pull.

-Pull on it, pull on, pull on.

-That's not working. Let me give this a go.

-I'll try twisting.

-That's it, that's it.

HE HEAVES

No, no, I might have to ask Geoffrey.

Oh! Good mornin'!

MUSIC: "Mr Boombastic" by Shaggy

# What you want is a boombastic Romantic, fantastic lover

# Shaggy!

# You call me Mr... Boombastic

# Tele... Fantastic

# Rooo-ooo

# Mantic

# Fantastic

# Roo-oo-oo-mantic... #

-Geoffrey?

-Yes.

-Could you perhaps have a crack at this?

-Yes.

-Step aside. There we go. A simple procedure.

-Thank you.

-Well, bye now.

-Geoffrey?

-Noooooo!

Brains! Brains!

Brains, somebody must give me their brains!

Yes, all right, beans on toast would be fine, I suppose,

but be quick, I am starving!

Oy-oy! Got a trick for you.

I, one frog, will magically make myself into two frogs. Here we go.

Abracadabra, hocus-pocus etc.

-BOTH:

-Ra-ta!

SLOWLY: There were two...

..little...

..children called Hansel and...

..Gretel.

SHE SINGS OFF-KEY

# .. You and me should be alone tonight

# Yeah, baby tonight, yeah, baby

# I got a reason that you're who should take me home tonight... #

I love this song!

# It's hard to feel the rush

# To push the dangerous

# I'm going to run right to To the edge with you

# Cos we can both fall over in love

# I'm on the edge of glory

# And I'm hanging on a moment of truth

# Out on the edge of glory

# And I'm hanging on a moment with you

# I'm on the edge, the edge

# The edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge

# I'm on the edge of glory

# And I'm hanging on a moment with you

# With you. #

"Your breath absolutely stinks of fish", she said.

I mean, I don't know where she got that idea from.

I am as clean as anyone else.

I mean, I'm in the water all day, for crying out loud.

Uhhh, I don't know why she thinks I have got stinky fish breath.

What is she on about? I mean, huh-huh, it's just not fair.

Oi, Rudolph! Where's the big man, where's Santa?

-Yeah, where's Santa?

-I am not Rudolph, I am Blitzen.

-Whatever.

I asked for a Bob The Builder playset last Christmas. Where is it?

-Yeah, where is it?

-It's not up to me. I am just in charge of transport.

-I want to speak to the big man.

-Yeah, the big man.

-He's on holiday.

-He's always on 'oliday. Tell us where he is, now!

-Yeah, now.

-I am not at liberty to reveal his whereabouts.

-This ain't over.

Right, let's find the Easter Bunny. She owes me some cream eggs.

Yeah, cream eggs.

SHE GRUNTS

Here I am! Time Square, New York.

Broadway, how ya doin'? Ohh! Oh...

maybe I should've turned left when I went...hmmm...

SLOWLY: So, the moral...

..is...

..don't go eating houses!

Ha-ha! Glad you could join me for the third and final part

of the Underwater Burping Clampionships.

It's the group round now and we have The Gas Street Boys in,

settled and ready to belch. Go for it, lads.

THEY BURP

Simply wonderful.

And what a way to end our Underwater Burping Clampionships.

-Don't you think?

-That's it. I am moving out for good this time.

-The water is all cloudy.

-Who is that guy, anyway?

-Never you mind.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Mum!

-Hello, little ones.

-Do some of your impressions for us.

-Yeah, do some impressions, Mum.

-Mum, do impressions!

-Shucks, you little tinkers.

All right, here's one for you.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

-Elephant!

-Elephant!

-Do another one.

-Do another one.

-That's very good.

OK, here's another one.

DOG BARKS

-It's a dog.

-It's a dog.

-More, more.

-Do some more.

-Do another one.

-OK, OK, one last one.

TOUCH TONE PHONE BEEPS

Um...oh, erm...oh...

-Manatee? Yeah, manatee?

-No, I think I need to work on that one.

It was the touch tone of a generic telephone. Oh, well!

# Baby I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time

# Tamba-tamba-tu-tu-tu... #

Maybe you are amazed that my imaginary piano sounds so fine. Eh?

You are, aren't you? Ha-ha! Yes, you are.

Nighttime! Daytime!

Nighttimes! Daytime!

Nighttimes! Daytime!

-What are you doing?

-I am having a game of Nighttimes, Daytime!

-How do you play that then?

-Nighttimes, daytime! Like this!

-Want to play?

-No, you're all right. I'll stick to my Xbox.

My girlfriends often say to me,

"Jessica, despite all those long hours of flying

"and difficult landings, how come you never get injured?"

I reply, "Two words, ladies - cycling shorts."

My cycling shorts provide comfort during flights,

reduce air resistance,

allow a full range of motion in the air and on the ground,

offering just the right amount of support, breathability

and wind block. I really didn't know where I'd be without them.

Yes girls, I cannot recommend them highly enough.

They really are something. Ow, ahh...

I think I've pulled something.

Oww! Oh, that really hurts! Let me test it!

Oh! No, I can't put any weight on it.

I need to go to physio. Feels like my hamstring.

These cycling shorts are useless!

Honestly, Peter, there are no talking seal tails here.

Stop being so ridiculous.

Honestly, Polly, I have seen this one talk before.

-I swear on my yellow eyebrows.

-Just stop it, Peter.

You're wasting everyone's time.

Hello, Peter. I'm a talking seal tail. How are you today?

Did you hear that? Did you hear... Polly, you must have heard that.

-That seal tail just whispered at me.

-Oh, grow up, Pete.

Come on, girls. There's no talking seal tails here. Uh!

Oh, come on, guys. Talking seal tails exist, I promise.

-This is worse than that singing seaweed you showed us.

-Oh!

Ohhhh! Santaaa!

Have some of that!

I thought you said he was on holiday.

Ow!

Welcome back. I am well world record breaking tortoise, Helen Shellton.

And I am about to attempt to break the first

of hopefully, three tortoise world records during this show.

First of all, I am going to attempt to prove that

I have the longest tortoise neck in the world.

Are you ready to measuring me? Go!

-Wow, what a neck!

-Thanks, thanks very much.

-No, not YOUR neck, HIS neck.

-Oh,! Oh, well...

still two records up for grabs, I suppose.

Anyway, your neck's not as long as this guy's.

You'd better not stand so close to me. Apparently,

this rubber neck disease can be quite contagious.

-Rubber neck disease. There's no such thing. Ow!

-Oh!

-What's going on?

-Sorry.

-Oh, ah! Sorry about that. Oh-ho!

Right, it seems to have passed.

-Was that it then?

-I don't know. It sort of comes and goes.

-Oh, ah! Sorry about that!

-Sorry! Apologies.

You know, we really should stop standing so close to each other.

Janine! Janine!

Janine!

Janine! Janine, Janine, Janine, Janine!

Janine! Janine! Janine, Janine, Janine, Janine!

Janine! Janine! Janine, Janine, Janine, Janine!

Janine! Janine! Janine, Janine, Janine, Janine!

-What?

-Pull my winger.

-How about no?

-Oh!

Ohh!

HE STRAINS

HE PARPS

Oh, that's gone wrong!

Oh!

Afternoon!

'It's the Bruce Forsyth Monkeys.'

Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu...

-Oh, go on, you do it.

-No, you do it.

-Go on!

-No, you do it.

-You do it.

-No, you do it.

-All right.

-Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu... All right, my loves.

-Didn't he do well?

Give us a twirl. Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu...

-Nice to see you...

-To see you, nice!

-Good game, good game, good game!

-Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu...

-All right, my loves?

-Nice to see you...

-To see you, nice!

-Nice!

Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu...

Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu...

-Over to you, Tess.

-Keep dancing!

-Nice to see you...

-To see you...

Was that supposed to be Bruce Forsyth? That was well rubbish.

Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu...

Oi, bunny.

Oi, bunny!

-I'm sorry, are you trying to get my attention?

-Yeah, you want some?

You want some of this? You want some, do you? You want it?

You want it? Want some, want some, want some, want some?

-Erm...

-Want some, do you?

Want some, want some, you... want... SOME?

Not especially, no. I am just getting a snack.

That's what I thought. This is my manor.

MUSIC: "Ladies' Night" by Kool And The Gang

Yeah!

All right!

Yeah, twas a ladies' night, all right.

Yeah. Doin' the funky dance.

Bobbin' of my head.

Mm-hmm. You heard me. That's right.

Aye-aye, captain!

Yeah.

Super-fly!

Got to fly.

Oh, this is the life. You cannot beat a spot of fishing.

Especially in my own secret, secluded spot.

There's just me, the fish, the tranquillity and the solitude.

Safe in the knowledge that there's not another living soul

for miles and miles around.

-All right, Charlie?

-Oh, hello, Harry. Didn't see you there.

-What are you doing?

-Diane told me this was a great spot for fishing.

-Oh, hello, Charlie.

-Oh, Diane. How did you know about this place?

Oh, Andre swears by it. Don't you, Andre?

Oh, absolutely. It's salmon central. Isn't it, lads?

-It's perfect.

-Great.

-I've been coming here for years.

THE BEARS ALL CHATTER

Ohhh.

Woo-hoo! Here I am. The Champs Elysees. The Eiffel Tower.

Vive la France! Ho-ho. Oh!

No. Maybe I should've turned right at that last bit.

# I kissed a girl and I like fish

# The taste of her herring Chapstick. #

-Dad, stop it. You're being embarrassing.

-Don't be silly.

-You know I like Katy Barry.

-Katy Perry, Dad.

-Whatsoevers.

It's whatevs, Dad.

-Right, you are grounded.

-What?

Oh, that was quite interesting. I wonder what's going on over there.

ROARING

I don't want to know what's going on over there!

You look familiar. Are you sure you haven't been on before?

No, my name is definitely not Kian The Bear

and I am definitely not from King's Lynn.

OK, then. And where do you see yourself in five years' time?

I'd like to be the biggest recording bear artist of all time.

All right, off you go then.

CLEARS THROAT

Mic's still a bit too high. Never mind.

# Keurae neo hey

# Keurae baro neo hey

# Chigeumbu... (COUGHS) #

Oh, no! Oh, that's done it.

I really liked that. See you at boot camp.

# Oppan Gangnam Style! #

LICKS NOISILY

-Mmm.

-You taste of something.

But I can't quite put my finger on what it is.

LICKS MORE

Ah! So do you! It's, eh...it's, um...

A bit like chicken?

No. It's a bit more gamey.

Gamey?

Yeah, you know, not quite beefy but not quite chickeny either.

I've got it! It's gazelle.

Ha-ha. Of course! Gazelle. Top spot. Well done.

Mmmmm.

Well, here we are, on holiday at the Bermuda Triangle.

And not a thing's going wrong.

-Well, it's a load of rubbish, isn't it?

-It certainly is.

HE HUMS

Ohhh! Ooops!

Eh? What, Steve?

Steve? Oooh! Ooops!

What's going...oh! Oof! Oooh!

Oh, blimey. Oh, blimey, blimey...oooh!

SHE BURPS

Oh, pardon me!

SHE BURPS

That's embarrassing.

SHE BURPS

Oh! That's better.

SHE BURPS

SHE BURPS

SHE BURPS

Oooh! Don't know where that came from.

SHE BURPS

Oh! That's cleared the gills out.

SHE BURPS

SHE BURPS

Oh, don't remember eating that.

Oh! Ha-ha. Pardon me, vicar!

SHE BURPS

SHE BURPS LOUDLY

TOILET FLUSHES

OK. That's that. And I'm off to the party.

I really hope Glen's going to be there. He's gorgeous. Oh, no.

There's loo roll stuck to my foot.

Oh, classy, Claire, really classy. Get off! Go on! Oh.

# Just one look at you... #

Stay calm, Matthew. Wait for it. Wait for it.

# And I know it's going to be... #

Wait for it.

# A lovely...

# Dayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

# A lovely...

# Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyy! #

Excellent!

Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

Lift off!

Wheeeee!

ENGINE FALTERS

Oh.

Ohhhhhhhhh!

Oof!

Hmm. Well, that didn't go to plan.

Hiya! I'm record-breaking tortoise Helen Shellton

and you join me as I'm about

to become the first ever tortoise to summit Turtleneck Mountain.

This has never ever been done or filmed before.

It's a truly historical...

-Hi, Helen.

-All right, Helen?

-Lovely to see you, Hels.

-Good to see you.

-Helen Shellton.

-What are you lot doing here?

We've all just been up Turtleneck Mountain.

Yeah. It's great. Not as good as last year, though. Bit too touristy.

-Hold on, are you that tortoise with the long neck?

-Yeah. That's me.

-Urgh!

Right! Well, I can still get one.

And no-one's ever going to beat my world record for tree-tapping, ever.

And Siegfried is about to attempt the tree-tapping record.

TAPPING

Looking good!

TIMER BEEPS

Did I do it?

Yes!

Yay!

# It's Maurice, Maurice the miserable fish. #

I'm so miserable.

Oh, hello, Maurice. I heard you won the lottery.

That must have put a smile on your face.

It's a well-known fact that money doesn't buy you happiness.

Come on, Maurice, you know,

always look on the bright side of life and all that.

Clear off!

I'm still miserable.

# It's Maurice, Maurice the miserable fish. #

I hate that theme tune.

MUSIC: "Call On Me" by Eric Prydz

# Call on me, call on me

# Call on me, call on me... #

Oh, come on! It's 5.00 am.

Oh, no. Not again.

Someone needs to have a word!

HE YAWNS

Derek, can't you go and tell them to stop, I need my beauty sleep.

I'm sure they'll stop soon, love.

Come on, everyone. Morning exercises. And jump. And jump.

-And jump. And jump.

-And jump.

-And jump.

-And jump.

-And jump.

-And jump.

You are jumping on my last nerve!

-Did you hear something?

-And jump. No.

Do you think the music was too loud? And jump.

-Nah, someone would tell us.

-And jump.

-And jump.

-And jump.

Ooh. Uh. Oh!

Here I am! Sydney Harbour. Australia!

G'day, mates! Put another shrimp on the barbie. Ha-ha!

Oh, no. Maybe I should've gone back the other way. I'm not sure.

Welcome, Barnaby.

We are just looking to see what can range you have,

-so just relax and be yourself.

-OK.

First off, can you give us surprise?

HE CLEARS THROAT

Oh!

Wow!

Ohhhh!

Lovely. And now, can we see sleepy?

Sure.

HE YAWNS

Wonderful. And happy? Give us happy. Let's see that twinkling smile.

He-he-he.

Happy. Happy.

Well, that was marvellous, Barnaby.

We'd love you to be in Madagascar 4:

Surprise Invasion Of The Sleepy, Happy Buffalo.

I'm desperate! I'm desperate! I'm desperate!

I can hold it. I can hold it. I can hold it.

I can hold it. I can, I can. I can hold it. I can...

Oh, no. I can't.

MUSIC: "Wipeout" by The Ventures

I...

really...

really...

love...

drumming to...

this...particular...

song...

in...the...snow.

I...hope...

you...like...

it...

too.

Sorry...about these gaps...

but...

I...

forget...the...

tune...

sometimes.

Oh, Deadly 60 is on later. But sometimes it's a bit scary.

I wonder if Pete will watch it with me.

Erm, Pete, would you watch Deadly 60 with me later?

No! I will not watch Deadly 60 with you, Calum!

I like Steve Backshal and dangerous creatures

but I promised I'd help my mum wash up tonight!

I won't let my mum down, Calum! I'm not going to do it! So, no!

I will not watch Deadly 60 with you later!

Oooh! Touchy!

That's the problem, you see.

Every time I go for dinner in the Pacific Ocean, I always end up

with a hair in my mouth.

From now on, I'm only eating in the Atlantic Ocean. So there.

# And I know it's going to be... #

OK, now it's the big one. You can do it, Matthew.

Concentrate.

# A lovely

# Dayyyyyyyyyyy

-CROAKILY:

-# Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyy... #

Excellent.

Oh!

Good evening!

It's my birthday and, you know, we all like a prank. You know?

I'm not someone who doesn't like a prank,

but they buried me halfway up my body and you lot are just standing there,

watching me, laughing. I just feel like an idiot.

It was just a joke, mate. It was just...you know.

We were just...joking. Messing around, having a laugh.

I just, it's not a laugh, is it?

-It's not a laugh because you're not my friend anymore.

-Oh, come on, mate.

I mean, we just thought it would be funny like, to bury you.

How long am I going to stay out here? All night?

I'm going to sit out here in the cold all night?

-I got family coming round. This is ridiculous.

-I'm sorry, mate.

It's just...we didn't think you'd take it like this.

What do you...what? I didn't...you didn't think I'd take it like this?

-No. We just thought you'd find it funny.

-I-I...funny, is it?

Being buried. Almost being buried alive.

Is that funny, being buried alive?

I don't know what's got into you, mate.

What do you think I should do on your birthday?

Push you off a cliff? Would that be funny, would it? No, it wouldn't.

No. No it wouldn't, would it?

Burying someone alive is not funny.

-Not on their birthday, or any other day.

-Sorry, mate.

Can you just get me out of here, please?

Well, no.

No. Cos...take it away, guys.

# For he's a jolly good penguin

# For he's a jolly good penguin

# For he's a jolly good penguin

# And so say all of us. #

Aw! Thanks, guys.

Hello. World record-breaking tortoise Helen Shellton here.

One last chance for a new world record.

This is my strongest event, though. The giant tortoise treasure hunt.

OK, are you both ready? Go!

-I am so going to smash this.

-Found it!

CROWD CHEER

What?! I don't believe it!

And the world record goes to the tortoise with a long neck.

CROWD CHEER

Uff! I've tried my best. No world records. Not one.

That's it, I'm going home.

-Helen! Helen! Wait!

-What now?

You've just broken the world record for the most

failed record attempts in one show.

Woo-hoo! That's the one I really wanted!

CROWD: Well done, Helen!

Thanks for watching, everyone.

Oof! Urgh! Here I am! A quiet meadow somewhere in southern Wales. Oh.

Yes, I am, actually.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd