Episode 5 Walk on the Wild Side


Episode 5

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Transcript


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Hiya. I'm famous tortoise world record-breaker, Helen Shellton,

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and I am today's host for Walk On The Wild Side.

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In the next half-hour, I am going to attempt to break not one,

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but three, tortoise world records.

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In fact, I've just been told that I'm very close to breaking

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another world record for saying "world record" the most times

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before a show starts.

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I only have to say it three more times, so here we go.

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World-record, world-record, world-rec...

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MUSIC: "Theme from Jaws" by John Williams

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All reet?

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THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY

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Shhh! There's Josh now. Oh!

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Hi, girls.

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THEY GIGGLE

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Hi, Josh.

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THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY

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-Which is why I catch the bus.

-Mmm.

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Hello, excuse me. >

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-Hello, what's that?

-I'm a worm. >

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I am stuck in my hole. Can you help me out, please?

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My, don't worry, here we go.

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You grab hold of me, that's it. Now, pull.

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-Pull on it, pull on, pull on.

-That's not working. Let me give this a go.

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-I'll try twisting.

-That's it, that's it.

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HE HEAVES

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No, no, I might have to ask Geoffrey.

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Oh! Good mornin'!

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MUSIC: "Mr Boombastic" by Shaggy

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# What you want is a boombastic Romantic, fantastic lover

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# Shaggy!

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# You call me Mr... Boombastic

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# Tele... Fantastic

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# Rooo-ooo

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# Mantic

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# Fantastic

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# Roo-oo-oo-mantic... #

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-Geoffrey?

-Yes.

-Could you perhaps have a crack at this?

-Yes.

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-Step aside. There we go. A simple procedure.

-Thank you.

-Well, bye now.

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-Geoffrey?

-Noooooo!

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Brains! Brains!

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Brains, somebody must give me their brains!

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Yes, all right, beans on toast would be fine, I suppose,

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but be quick, I am starving!

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Oy-oy! Got a trick for you.

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I, one frog, will magically make myself into two frogs. Here we go.

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Abracadabra, hocus-pocus etc.

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-BOTH:

-Ra-ta!

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SLOWLY: There were two...

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..little...

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..children called Hansel and...

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..Gretel.

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SHE SINGS OFF-KEY

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# .. You and me should be alone tonight

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# Yeah, baby tonight, yeah, baby

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# I got a reason that you're who should take me home tonight... #

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I love this song!

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# It's hard to feel the rush

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# To push the dangerous

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# I'm going to run right to To the edge with you

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# Cos we can both fall over in love

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# I'm on the edge of glory

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# And I'm hanging on a moment of truth

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# Out on the edge of glory

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# And I'm hanging on a moment with you

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# I'm on the edge, the edge

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# The edge, the edge, the edge, the edge, the edge

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# I'm on the edge of glory

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# And I'm hanging on a moment with you

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# With you. #

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"Your breath absolutely stinks of fish", she said.

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I mean, I don't know where she got that idea from.

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I am as clean as anyone else.

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I mean, I'm in the water all day, for crying out loud.

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Uhhh, I don't know why she thinks I have got stinky fish breath.

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What is she on about? I mean, huh-huh, it's just not fair.

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Oi, Rudolph! Where's the big man, where's Santa?

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-Yeah, where's Santa?

-I am not Rudolph, I am Blitzen.

-Whatever.

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I asked for a Bob The Builder playset last Christmas. Where is it?

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-Yeah, where is it?

-It's not up to me. I am just in charge of transport.

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-I want to speak to the big man.

-Yeah, the big man.

-He's on holiday.

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-He's always on 'oliday. Tell us where he is, now!

-Yeah, now.

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-I am not at liberty to reveal his whereabouts.

-This ain't over.

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Right, let's find the Easter Bunny. She owes me some cream eggs.

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Yeah, cream eggs.

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SHE GRUNTS

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Here I am! Time Square, New York.

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Broadway, how ya doin'? Ohh! Oh...

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maybe I should've turned left when I went...hmmm...

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SLOWLY: So, the moral...

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..is...

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..don't go eating houses!

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Ha-ha! Glad you could join me for the third and final part

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of the Underwater Burping Clampionships.

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It's the group round now and we have The Gas Street Boys in,

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settled and ready to belch. Go for it, lads.

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THEY BURP

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Simply wonderful.

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And what a way to end our Underwater Burping Clampionships.

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-Don't you think?

-That's it. I am moving out for good this time.

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-The water is all cloudy.

-Who is that guy, anyway?

-Never you mind.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Mum!

-Hello, little ones.

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-Do some of your impressions for us.

-Yeah, do some impressions, Mum.

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-Mum, do impressions!

-Shucks, you little tinkers.

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All right, here's one for you.

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

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-Elephant!

-Elephant!

-Do another one.

-Do another one.

-That's very good.

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OK, here's another one.

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DOG BARKS

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-It's a dog.

-It's a dog.

-More, more.

-Do some more.

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-Do another one.

-OK, OK, one last one.

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TOUCH TONE PHONE BEEPS

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Um...oh, erm...oh...

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-Manatee? Yeah, manatee?

-No, I think I need to work on that one.

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It was the touch tone of a generic telephone. Oh, well!

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# Baby I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time

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# Tamba-tamba-tu-tu-tu... #

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Maybe you are amazed that my imaginary piano sounds so fine. Eh?

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You are, aren't you? Ha-ha! Yes, you are.

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Nighttime! Daytime!

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Nighttimes! Daytime!

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Nighttimes! Daytime!

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-What are you doing?

-I am having a game of Nighttimes, Daytime!

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-How do you play that then?

-Nighttimes, daytime! Like this!

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-Want to play?

-No, you're all right. I'll stick to my Xbox.

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My girlfriends often say to me,

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"Jessica, despite all those long hours of flying

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"and difficult landings, how come you never get injured?"

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I reply, "Two words, ladies - cycling shorts."

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My cycling shorts provide comfort during flights,

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reduce air resistance,

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allow a full range of motion in the air and on the ground,

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offering just the right amount of support, breathability

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and wind block. I really didn't know where I'd be without them.

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Yes girls, I cannot recommend them highly enough.

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They really are something. Ow, ahh...

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I think I've pulled something.

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Oww! Oh, that really hurts! Let me test it!

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Oh! No, I can't put any weight on it.

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I need to go to physio. Feels like my hamstring.

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These cycling shorts are useless!

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Honestly, Peter, there are no talking seal tails here.

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Stop being so ridiculous.

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Honestly, Polly, I have seen this one talk before.

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-I swear on my yellow eyebrows.

-Just stop it, Peter.

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You're wasting everyone's time.

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Hello, Peter. I'm a talking seal tail. How are you today?

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Did you hear that? Did you hear... Polly, you must have heard that.

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-That seal tail just whispered at me.

-Oh, grow up, Pete.

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Come on, girls. There's no talking seal tails here. Uh!

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Oh, come on, guys. Talking seal tails exist, I promise.

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-This is worse than that singing seaweed you showed us.

-Oh!

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Ohhhh! Santaaa!

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Have some of that!

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I thought you said he was on holiday.

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Ow!

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Welcome back. I am well world record breaking tortoise, Helen Shellton.

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And I am about to attempt to break the first

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of hopefully, three tortoise world records during this show.

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First of all, I am going to attempt to prove that

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I have the longest tortoise neck in the world.

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Are you ready to measuring me? Go!

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-Wow, what a neck!

-Thanks, thanks very much.

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-No, not YOUR neck, HIS neck.

-Oh,! Oh, well...

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still two records up for grabs, I suppose.

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Anyway, your neck's not as long as this guy's.

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You'd better not stand so close to me. Apparently,

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this rubber neck disease can be quite contagious.

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-Rubber neck disease. There's no such thing. Ow!

-Oh!

-What's going on?

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-Sorry.

-Oh, ah! Sorry about that. Oh-ho!

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Right, it seems to have passed.

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-Was that it then?

-I don't know. It sort of comes and goes.

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-Oh, ah! Sorry about that!

-Sorry! Apologies.

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You know, we really should stop standing so close to each other.

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Janine! Janine!

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Janine!

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Janine! Janine, Janine, Janine, Janine!

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Janine! Janine! Janine, Janine, Janine, Janine!

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Janine! Janine! Janine, Janine, Janine, Janine!

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Janine! Janine! Janine, Janine, Janine, Janine!

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-What?

-Pull my winger.

-How about no?

-Oh!

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Ohh!

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HE STRAINS

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HE PARPS

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Oh, that's gone wrong!

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Oh!

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Afternoon!

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'It's the Bruce Forsyth Monkeys.'

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Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu...

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-Oh, go on, you do it.

-No, you do it.

-Go on!

-No, you do it.

-You do it.

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-No, you do it.

-All right.

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-Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu... All right, my loves.

-Didn't he do well?

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Give us a twirl. Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu...

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-Nice to see you...

-To see you, nice!

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-Good game, good game, good game!

-Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu...

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-All right, my loves?

-Nice to see you...

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-To see you, nice!

-Nice!

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Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu...

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Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu...

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-Over to you, Tess.

-Keep dancing!

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-Nice to see you...

-To see you...

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Was that supposed to be Bruce Forsyth? That was well rubbish.

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Ay-yu-yu-yu-yu...

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Oi, bunny.

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Oi, bunny!

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-I'm sorry, are you trying to get my attention?

-Yeah, you want some?

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You want some of this? You want some, do you? You want it?

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You want it? Want some, want some, want some, want some?

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-Erm...

-Want some, do you?

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Want some, want some, you... want... SOME?

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Not especially, no. I am just getting a snack.

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That's what I thought. This is my manor.

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MUSIC: "Ladies' Night" by Kool And The Gang

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Yeah!

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All right!

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Yeah, twas a ladies' night, all right.

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Yeah. Doin' the funky dance.

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Bobbin' of my head.

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Mm-hmm. You heard me. That's right.

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Aye-aye, captain!

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Yeah.

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Super-fly!

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Got to fly.

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Oh, this is the life. You cannot beat a spot of fishing.

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Especially in my own secret, secluded spot.

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There's just me, the fish, the tranquillity and the solitude.

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Safe in the knowledge that there's not another living soul

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for miles and miles around.

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-All right, Charlie?

-Oh, hello, Harry. Didn't see you there.

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-What are you doing?

-Diane told me this was a great spot for fishing.

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-Oh, hello, Charlie.

-Oh, Diane. How did you know about this place?

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Oh, Andre swears by it. Don't you, Andre?

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Oh, absolutely. It's salmon central. Isn't it, lads?

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-It's perfect.

-Great.

-I've been coming here for years.

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THE BEARS ALL CHATTER

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Ohhh.

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Woo-hoo! Here I am. The Champs Elysees. The Eiffel Tower.

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Vive la France! Ho-ho. Oh!

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No. Maybe I should've turned right at that last bit.

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# I kissed a girl and I like fish

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# The taste of her herring Chapstick. #

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-Dad, stop it. You're being embarrassing.

-Don't be silly.

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-You know I like Katy Barry.

-Katy Perry, Dad.

-Whatsoevers.

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It's whatevs, Dad.

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-Right, you are grounded.

-What?

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Oh, that was quite interesting. I wonder what's going on over there.

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ROARING

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I don't want to know what's going on over there!

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You look familiar. Are you sure you haven't been on before?

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No, my name is definitely not Kian The Bear

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and I am definitely not from King's Lynn.

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OK, then. And where do you see yourself in five years' time?

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I'd like to be the biggest recording bear artist of all time.

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All right, off you go then.

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CLEARS THROAT

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Mic's still a bit too high. Never mind.

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# Keurae neo hey

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# Keurae baro neo hey

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# Chigeumbu... (COUGHS) #

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Oh, no! Oh, that's done it.

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I really liked that. See you at boot camp.

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# Oppan Gangnam Style! #

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LICKS NOISILY

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-Mmm.

-You taste of something.

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But I can't quite put my finger on what it is.

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LICKS MORE

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Ah! So do you! It's, eh...it's, um...

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A bit like chicken?

0:16:490:16:51

No. It's a bit more gamey.

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Gamey?

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Yeah, you know, not quite beefy but not quite chickeny either.

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I've got it! It's gazelle.

0:17:030:17:06

Ha-ha. Of course! Gazelle. Top spot. Well done.

0:17:060:17:10

Mmmmm.

0:17:100:17:13

Well, here we are, on holiday at the Bermuda Triangle.

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And not a thing's going wrong.

0:17:170:17:19

-Well, it's a load of rubbish, isn't it?

-It certainly is.

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HE HUMS

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Ohhh! Ooops!

0:17:270:17:29

Eh? What, Steve?

0:17:290:17:31

Steve? Oooh! Ooops!

0:17:310:17:33

What's going...oh! Oof! Oooh!

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Oh, blimey. Oh, blimey, blimey...oooh!

0:17:370:17:41

SHE BURPS

0:17:450:17:47

Oh, pardon me!

0:17:470:17:48

SHE BURPS

0:17:480:17:50

That's embarrassing.

0:17:500:17:51

SHE BURPS

0:17:510:17:52

Oh! That's better.

0:17:520:17:54

SHE BURPS

0:17:540:17:56

SHE BURPS

0:17:560:17:58

SHE BURPS

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Oooh! Don't know where that came from.

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SHE BURPS

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Oh! That's cleared the gills out.

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SHE BURPS

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SHE BURPS

0:18:070:18:09

Oh, don't remember eating that.

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Oh! Ha-ha. Pardon me, vicar!

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SHE BURPS

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SHE BURPS LOUDLY

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TOILET FLUSHES

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OK. That's that. And I'm off to the party.

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I really hope Glen's going to be there. He's gorgeous. Oh, no.

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There's loo roll stuck to my foot.

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Oh, classy, Claire, really classy. Get off! Go on! Oh.

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# Just one look at you... #

0:18:410:18:42

Stay calm, Matthew. Wait for it. Wait for it.

0:18:420:18:45

# And I know it's going to be... #

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Wait for it.

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# A lovely...

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# Dayyyyyyyyyyyyy!

0:18:510:18:58

# A lovely...

0:18:590:19:01

# Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyy! #

0:19:010:19:09

Excellent!

0:19:110:19:13

Five.

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Four.

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Three.

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Two.

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One.

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Lift off!

0:19:220:19:23

Wheeeee!

0:19:230:19:26

ENGINE FALTERS

0:19:260:19:29

Oh.

0:19:290:19:30

Ohhhhhhhhh!

0:19:330:19:38

Oof!

0:19:380:19:40

Hmm. Well, that didn't go to plan.

0:19:400:19:42

Hiya! I'm record-breaking tortoise Helen Shellton

0:19:470:19:50

and you join me as I'm about

0:19:500:19:52

to become the first ever tortoise to summit Turtleneck Mountain.

0:19:520:19:56

This has never ever been done or filmed before.

0:19:560:19:59

It's a truly historical...

0:19:590:20:01

-Hi, Helen.

-All right, Helen?

-Lovely to see you, Hels.

0:20:010:20:04

-Good to see you.

-Helen Shellton.

-What are you lot doing here?

0:20:040:20:07

We've all just been up Turtleneck Mountain.

0:20:070:20:09

Yeah. It's great. Not as good as last year, though. Bit too touristy.

0:20:090:20:13

-Hold on, are you that tortoise with the long neck?

-Yeah. That's me.

-Urgh!

0:20:130:20:16

Right! Well, I can still get one.

0:20:160:20:18

And no-one's ever going to beat my world record for tree-tapping, ever.

0:20:180:20:22

And Siegfried is about to attempt the tree-tapping record.

0:20:240:20:28

TAPPING

0:20:280:20:31

Looking good!

0:20:310:20:33

TIMER BEEPS

0:20:330:20:35

Did I do it?

0:20:350:20:36

Yes!

0:20:360:20:38

Yay!

0:20:380:20:39

# It's Maurice, Maurice the miserable fish. #

0:20:390:20:42

I'm so miserable.

0:20:420:20:44

Oh, hello, Maurice. I heard you won the lottery.

0:20:440:20:47

That must have put a smile on your face.

0:20:470:20:50

It's a well-known fact that money doesn't buy you happiness.

0:20:500:20:53

Come on, Maurice, you know,

0:20:530:20:55

always look on the bright side of life and all that.

0:20:550:20:58

Clear off!

0:20:580:21:01

I'm still miserable.

0:21:010:21:04

# It's Maurice, Maurice the miserable fish. #

0:21:040:21:07

I hate that theme tune.

0:21:070:21:09

MUSIC: "Call On Me" by Eric Prydz

0:21:090:21:13

# Call on me, call on me

0:21:150:21:18

# Call on me, call on me... #

0:21:180:21:21

Oh, come on! It's 5.00 am.

0:21:210:21:23

Oh, no. Not again.

0:21:230:21:25

Someone needs to have a word!

0:21:250:21:27

HE YAWNS

0:21:270:21:29

Derek, can't you go and tell them to stop, I need my beauty sleep.

0:21:290:21:33

I'm sure they'll stop soon, love.

0:21:330:21:35

Come on, everyone. Morning exercises. And jump. And jump.

0:21:350:21:39

-And jump. And jump.

-And jump.

-And jump.

0:21:390:21:42

-And jump.

-And jump.

-And jump.

0:21:420:21:44

You are jumping on my last nerve!

0:21:440:21:47

-Did you hear something?

-And jump. No.

0:21:470:21:50

Do you think the music was too loud? And jump.

0:21:500:21:53

-Nah, someone would tell us.

-And jump.

-And jump.

-And jump.

0:21:530:21:57

Ooh. Uh. Oh!

0:21:580:22:02

Here I am! Sydney Harbour. Australia!

0:22:020:22:06

G'day, mates! Put another shrimp on the barbie. Ha-ha!

0:22:060:22:10

Oh, no. Maybe I should've gone back the other way. I'm not sure.

0:22:100:22:13

Welcome, Barnaby.

0:22:190:22:20

We are just looking to see what can range you have,

0:22:200:22:22

-so just relax and be yourself.

-OK.

0:22:220:22:25

First off, can you give us surprise?

0:22:250:22:27

HE CLEARS THROAT

0:22:270:22:29

Oh!

0:22:300:22:32

Wow!

0:22:320:22:34

Ohhhh!

0:22:340:22:37

Lovely. And now, can we see sleepy?

0:22:370:22:40

Sure.

0:22:400:22:42

HE YAWNS

0:22:420:22:46

Wonderful. And happy? Give us happy. Let's see that twinkling smile.

0:22:480:22:53

He-he-he.

0:22:530:22:55

Happy. Happy.

0:22:550:22:58

Well, that was marvellous, Barnaby.

0:22:580:23:00

We'd love you to be in Madagascar 4:

0:23:000:23:02

Surprise Invasion Of The Sleepy, Happy Buffalo.

0:23:020:23:05

I'm desperate! I'm desperate! I'm desperate!

0:23:050:23:08

I can hold it. I can hold it. I can hold it.

0:23:080:23:10

I can hold it. I can, I can. I can hold it. I can...

0:23:100:23:12

Oh, no. I can't.

0:23:120:23:14

MUSIC: "Wipeout" by The Ventures

0:23:140:23:16

I...

0:23:160:23:18

really...

0:23:180:23:20

really...

0:23:200:23:21

love...

0:23:210:23:23

drumming to...

0:23:230:23:25

this...particular...

0:23:250:23:28

song...

0:23:280:23:31

in...the...snow.

0:23:310:23:35

I...hope...

0:23:350:23:38

you...like...

0:23:380:23:41

it...

0:23:410:23:42

too.

0:23:420:23:44

Sorry...about these gaps...

0:23:440:23:47

but...

0:23:470:23:49

I...

0:23:490:23:51

forget...the...

0:23:510:23:54

tune...

0:23:540:23:56

sometimes.

0:23:560:23:57

Oh, Deadly 60 is on later. But sometimes it's a bit scary.

0:23:590:24:04

I wonder if Pete will watch it with me.

0:24:040:24:06

Erm, Pete, would you watch Deadly 60 with me later?

0:24:060:24:10

No! I will not watch Deadly 60 with you, Calum!

0:24:100:24:12

I like Steve Backshal and dangerous creatures

0:24:120:24:15

but I promised I'd help my mum wash up tonight!

0:24:150:24:17

I won't let my mum down, Calum! I'm not going to do it! So, no!

0:24:170:24:21

I will not watch Deadly 60 with you later!

0:24:210:24:25

Oooh! Touchy!

0:24:250:24:28

That's the problem, you see.

0:24:280:24:30

Every time I go for dinner in the Pacific Ocean, I always end up

0:24:300:24:33

with a hair in my mouth.

0:24:330:24:35

From now on, I'm only eating in the Atlantic Ocean. So there.

0:24:350:24:38

# And I know it's going to be... #

0:24:400:24:41

OK, now it's the big one. You can do it, Matthew.

0:24:410:24:44

Concentrate.

0:24:440:24:46

# A lovely

0:24:460:24:48

# Dayyyyyyyyyyy

0:24:480:24:56

-CROAKILY:

-# Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyy... #

0:25:050:25:11

Excellent.

0:25:110:25:13

Oh!

0:25:130:25:14

Good evening!

0:25:140:25:16

It's my birthday and, you know, we all like a prank. You know?

0:25:160:25:19

I'm not someone who doesn't like a prank,

0:25:190:25:21

but they buried me halfway up my body and you lot are just standing there,

0:25:210:25:25

watching me, laughing. I just feel like an idiot.

0:25:250:25:27

It was just a joke, mate. It was just...you know.

0:25:270:25:30

We were just...joking. Messing around, having a laugh.

0:25:300:25:33

I just, it's not a laugh, is it?

0:25:330:25:35

-It's not a laugh because you're not my friend anymore.

-Oh, come on, mate.

0:25:350:25:39

I mean, we just thought it would be funny like, to bury you.

0:25:390:25:43

How long am I going to stay out here? All night?

0:25:430:25:45

I'm going to sit out here in the cold all night?

0:25:450:25:47

-I got family coming round. This is ridiculous.

-I'm sorry, mate.

0:25:470:25:51

It's just...we didn't think you'd take it like this.

0:25:510:25:54

What do you...what? I didn't...you didn't think I'd take it like this?

0:25:540:25:57

-No. We just thought you'd find it funny.

-I-I...funny, is it?

0:25:570:26:01

Being buried. Almost being buried alive.

0:26:010:26:03

Is that funny, being buried alive?

0:26:030:26:05

I don't know what's got into you, mate.

0:26:050:26:07

What do you think I should do on your birthday?

0:26:070:26:09

Push you off a cliff? Would that be funny, would it? No, it wouldn't.

0:26:090:26:13

No. No it wouldn't, would it?

0:26:130:26:15

Burying someone alive is not funny.

0:26:150:26:17

-Not on their birthday, or any other day.

-Sorry, mate.

0:26:170:26:20

Can you just get me out of here, please?

0:26:200:26:22

Well, no.

0:26:220:26:23

No. Cos...take it away, guys.

0:26:230:26:27

# For he's a jolly good penguin

0:26:270:26:30

# For he's a jolly good penguin

0:26:300:26:32

# For he's a jolly good penguin

0:26:320:26:36

# And so say all of us. #

0:26:360:26:39

Aw! Thanks, guys.

0:26:390:26:41

Hello. World record-breaking tortoise Helen Shellton here.

0:26:450:26:49

One last chance for a new world record.

0:26:490:26:51

This is my strongest event, though. The giant tortoise treasure hunt.

0:26:510:26:55

OK, are you both ready? Go!

0:26:550:26:57

-I am so going to smash this.

-Found it!

0:26:570:27:01

CROWD CHEER

0:27:010:27:02

What?! I don't believe it!

0:27:020:27:04

And the world record goes to the tortoise with a long neck.

0:27:040:27:07

CROWD CHEER

0:27:070:27:09

Uff! I've tried my best. No world records. Not one.

0:27:090:27:12

That's it, I'm going home.

0:27:120:27:14

-Helen! Helen! Wait!

-What now?

0:27:140:27:16

You've just broken the world record for the most

0:27:160:27:18

failed record attempts in one show.

0:27:180:27:20

Woo-hoo! That's the one I really wanted!

0:27:200:27:23

CROWD: Well done, Helen!

0:27:230:27:24

Thanks for watching, everyone.

0:27:240:27:26

Oof! Urgh! Here I am! A quiet meadow somewhere in southern Wales. Oh.

0:27:260:27:31

Yes, I am, actually.

0:27:310:27:34

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0:27:460:27:49

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