Episode 13 WHOOPS I MISSED THE BUS

Well, hello there!

I'm Ben Shires, welcome to Whoops I Missed The Bus.

If you want more top-quality telly than you can shake a stick at,

don't go anywhere.

Do you think history is horrible?

-We are facing a great war.

-ALL: War?!

Did you miss any of this?

-Dr Xand.

-Dr Chris.

BOTH: Let battle commence!

And what's Hacker going on about?

Always leave them wanting less, Chris.

Always leave them wanting less.

-More.

-Hmm?

-More, is the...

-Oh.

They say you can have too much of a good thing,

but tell that to our video bloggers, Lauren and Myles.

They've been stuffing their faces with CBBC all week. Mmm!

I'm talking breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I've seen so much CBBC it hurts.

Tickets, please!

It's time to introduce our first vlogger. It's Lauren!

# Welcome to Horrible Histories. #

So, you guys know the deal with these vlogs.

We watch CBBC shows and we tell you what we think about them.

Sometimes we're loving them...

I love Deadly Pole To Pole. It's one of my favourite shows on CBBC.

Sometimes we're not.

The Next Step is the worst thing I've ever seen.

And this week it's the turn of the Horrible Histories

frightful First World War Special.

Come on, then! Let me at it!

Hi, I'm a shouty man, and I'm here to tell you about

the multipurpose liquid revolution.

New World War I Wee Wee!

Oh, yeah. I forgot. Horrible Histories

is actually really good!

-SOLDIERS CHANT: Red Baron!

-That's me.

-Red Baron!

-That's me.

-Red Baron!

-That's me.

-Red Baron!

-Uh-huh.

Guten tag, Red Baron.

-Oh, however did he know it was me?

-ALL LAUGH

Yes, that was quite funny, wasn't it? Someone write that down.

I genuinely think this might be the best sketch show in the world.

I mean, honestly, I cannot find anything wrong with it.

But I tell you who will - Myles. You know what he's like,

he's like that Craig Revel Horwood off of Strictly -

always criticising.

Go on, then, Myles, what did you think

of the Horrible Histories special? Don't be too mean, will you?

HE LAUGHS

Oh! Horrible Histories! It's the funniest show ever!

So, if Horrible Histories anything to go by,

the key to comedy genius is making jokes about stuff that is serious,

stuff that you shouldn't really joke about.

Next to arrive is 16 other housemates -

a squad of German soldiers.

I just feel like I'm not really

getting along with my new housemates.

Mainly because they're German soldiers

and if they catch me, they'll kill me.

Good example. Which got me thinking...

-Knock knock.

-AUDIENCE: Who's there?

Me! I've broken my leg.

SILENCE

BOOING

-MAN:

-You shouldn't joke about broken legs, man.

-It's no Horrible Histories.

-I hate breaking my leg!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, now.

You haven't had my witty anecdote about the Great Fire of London.

BOOING

You know what makes me livid about CBBC?

Dave Lime, Brick and Coogie.

They never say anything, ever!

Anyway, what's been making YOU livid?

What makes me really livid about CBBC is horrible Thistleton.

-I'm going to thoroughly sanitise your bins!

-SHE CACKLES

She's so scary!

Trapped is on at nine o'clock in the morning instead of 7:30.

We can't watch it - we go to school!

I'm so livid because I have to

wait for Friday Download and Bars and Melody.

-# Hopeful, yes, I am

-Yeah!

# Hopeful for today

-# Take this music and use it

-Use it

# Let it take you away. #

The boys are just so cute.

If you fancy a good old rant - and who doesn't? -

then get over to the CBBC website and search "livid".

Now it's time to catch up with Chris and Hacks

who are going to try and have a proper grown-up conversation.

Never going to happen.

To celebrate the brand-new series of Hacker Time

this summer on CBBC, I'm going to conduct an interview

with the canine himself,

right here in the very studio in which the show is made.

So make sure you don't miss this very special CBBC Extra exclusive.

-Hacker the dog, you've met almost 20 people.

-19.

-Really?

-What was it like working with all the different celebrity guests?

-Guests?

I think you mean the people I get on the show to make look good.

I like to think of them as my celebrity pets.

And what do you do with these... celebrity pets?

Well, we might play a little game or sing a little song or something.

But none of that's necessity, you know.

-Deep down...

-GRUFF VOICE:

-I'll do with them as I please!

-I'm not that old!

-Well, you look it.

20p!

-Don't even have nits.

-You do now.

-He's been doing my head in.

-You cannot say that!

I might have plopped onto the Time Capsule.

Oh, no! Stop it! Yes, Madam. No!

Is it true that most of them don't even want to be on the show?

Well, none of their complaints have ever been upheld,

and I always cooperate with the police, let's just leave it there.

Right.

-Did you enjoy the series?

-I loved it, Chris.

I enjoyed most of the guests, I enjoyed most of the sketches,

and I enjoyed most of the catering.

Looking forwards, what's next for Hacker The Dog.

Well, I'll probably get a sandwich,

then I'll get the next bus back to Wigan, and when I get home,

I'll have a nice milky brew

and nip to 't lav-lav to make room

for more meat paste, cocker. Meat produce!

Right.

Well, as a final little treat for all of you watching along at home,

Hacker has chosen his favourite clip from this series.

Your favourite all-time clip of Hacker Time series four.

Oh, this is good, this. You'll love this. Run it!

How do I get out of this place and get a proper career?

-What was that?

-Always leave them wanting less, Chris.

Always leave them wanting less.

-More.

-Hmm?

-More is the...

-Oh.

One last thing. In the Maisie Smith episode of this series there's

a cameo from a very special and very handsome young man.

Don't show a clip. No! No, you are not showing a clip of that mutt.

That was contractual, I had no choice,

he had to be in it cos he was under a CBBC contract.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. You said that I have a cameo in your show

cos I'm your best mate.

No, no, no. I didn't say best mate, I said "mess", man. "A mess".

-Is this what you really think?

-Yep. You sicken me, Chris.

PARTY MUSIC

Hellooooo! It's me! Hey hey!

Hooray! Brilliant!

SILENCE

Fair enough.

I wonder what Myles is doing this week on Whoops I Missed The Bus.

Wonder no more, because this week, what am I doing?

Playing a game. Reviewing a game.

I'm a man of many talents. I can watch CBBC and play CBBC games.

Two things. Are they talents?

I'm going to play a game called Deadly Defenders.

-GAME:

-'Deadly defenders!'

-What he said. A bit loud.

The game is based on Deadly Pole To Pole, and at the minute,

Steve Backshall is trying to sleep and I'm trying to protect him.

I have been put in charge of protecting HIM.

All sorts of creatures run into his tent - spiders, rats.

Now we've got gibbons.

If I'm sleeping there and I now gibbons can just come along,

as they want, "There's a tent, let's go in, we're gibbons,"

not going to get a good sleep.

And it's up to me to make sure Steve gets a good sleep

otherwise he won't be able to wake up and be like,

"Hey, it's Deadly Pole To Pole, I'm Steve Backshall.

"Didn't get any sleep last night

"cos Myles couldn't get rid of the gibbons."

At the minute, it's gone leeches, rats, gibbons.

I'm worried about what stage four will be. A whale?!

"Those leeches want to get in my tent."

I don't know how he's dozing off knowing there's leeches,

and if he's telling me, "Myles, there's leeches out there,"

what are you doing? Are you literally just laying back?

Just - "Myles, can you sort out those leeches?"

About 20 rats trying to get in now.

At this point, I'd be on the plane home.

The rats are in the tent. Steve, I'm sorry.

You shouldn't have trusted me. Steve, I'm sorry.

Level failed. So... It's not...

I can't... It's not my fault.

He doesn't look too happy. Wonder why that is?

Probably cos of the rats I let into the tent. Probably the 20 rats.

Yeah, it's the 20 rats, isn't it?

Am I a good Deadly Defender? No.

It's a special week here on CBBC as we commemorate 100 years

since the First World War, and this is the Operation Ouch! special.

-Dr Xand.

-Dr Chris.

-BOTH: Let battle commence!

In this episode, Dr Chris

and Dr Xand take a look at the vital role of medicine during the war,

from prosthetic limbs to leg splints and even cups of tea.

During the First World War, people did use tea as treatment for shock.

It was sweet, it was liquid, and it was familiar.

I can understand that, you know?

A cup of tea makes you feel a lot better, doesn't it?

Richard, how would you have treated someone during WWI

-with a very badly broken leg?

-Cup of tea?

Trench foot smelled absolutely terrible.

Tea?

-Body lice.

-Nice cup of tea!

OK, squeamish people, look away now.

Argh!

What is that?! Forget the tea - he needs a doctor!

See, what I like about Operation Ouch! is that

they make medical stuff and stuff that's a little bit gross

really interesting,

and you find out stuff that you never would have known before.

The only problem I have is that if I were a patient,

I would hate to go into an operation called Operation Ouch!

OK, Lauren, not looking good, I'm afraid.

You're going to have to have Operation Ouch!

Completely routine.

Sorry, what? Operation...? Ouch.

Operation Ouch!

That doesn't sound too good.

Any other operations I could have?

Operation Grrr! Operation Argh!

And Operation "This Operation Is Definitely Going To Sting A Bit!"

I'll take the last one, please

I wonder if there's a world record for the pet who's watched

the most CBBC.

If there is, then here's some contenders. It's time for...

Alice, have you put me in this bowl just to watch Bear Behaving Badly?

If so, I'm livid.

I hate bears and I hate bowls.

All right? What do you want?

Yeah. Nothing.

What?

Whoops I Missed The Bus?

Whoops I've never heard of it, more like.

I'll turn my back on it.

In fact, I'll walk away from it. Off I go!

Why are you forcing me to watch this nonsense?

I'd rather be in my little house gnawing

or building a little sawdust wall, or summat.

That really is top drawer entertainment.

If you want to know what your pet thinks of CBBC,

then go to the website and search "pet".

OK, if you've been having way too much summer holiday fun this week

and missed your favourite shows,

then the next two minutes are just for you.

That's right, it's the best bits.

TRAIN WHISTLES

Sam!

Get it out!

They think it's all over. It is now!

Unfortunately not the war, but the football game.

-Great game, mate.

-Ja, ja. You want to change the shirts?

Might not be such a good idea, under the circumstances.

-HE LAUGHS

-Yeah. You funny guy!

You're all right, mate. Happy Christmas.

You're OK too, chum. Happy Christmas.

# Place your head on my beating heart

# I'm thinking out loud

# That baby we found love

# Right where we are. #

Let me tell you all about the geography of the "Thems".

-It's the "Thames".

-Thames.

-The River Thames. That's the only thing I know.

-OK.

-If you can't get that right, we're going to lose.

-So it's "Thames"?

-Yeah, the River Thames.

-OK.

That must mean you think Ben Shires is really handsome.

-No! No, no!

-Do you? Do you love him?

-No, I don't!

-You love Ben Shires, don't you?

-No.

-You do, you do, you do!

I don't. Guys, guys - I don't.

# You really love him You love Ben Shires

# You really love him You love him, love him...#

I've been here for one whole week.

Well, apart from the time I popped out for a cheese sandwich.

Then I went to the shop.

Oh, then we went to the cinema one day, actually. That was really good.

And generally I've just been getting on with my life, really.

But I've been here for one whole week.

Remember this?

They tried to keep me quiet, but I just had to tell you guys

something I found out about the new episodes of The Next Step.

This is big news.

Coming up in the new episodes, the big story is that Eldon and...

BLEEPING

And that's it.

Another week of CBBC flashing before your very eyes faster than

Usain Bolt being chased by a cheetah on a moped.

If you want more TV treats, go to the CBBC iPlayer.

Now, has anyone seen a bus?

What's that? Oh, not again!