Basket Case Wingin' It

-And then what happened?

-And then I asked Mrs Lennox

-if I could read my essay in class.

-You asked?

Yeah. It went well. How come I didn't see you there, Carl?

I got lost in the hallways and ended up in the boiler room again.

Rough first month. Anyways, what'd I miss?

The usual Mrs Lennox kookiness.

She brought her cats in dressed as historical figures.

Cleo-catra was cute.

She must be the weirdest history teacher in history.

-SQUELCH Ugh.

-That's really gross.

Why does this always happens to you?

-I think you're going to have to use a hose again.

-Come on!

At least you didn't fall in it like last time.

-This has to be a mistake, Dr Cassabi.

-It's not, Porter.

As an angel in training, you've been assigned Carl Montclaire.

Case Number 4450842.

You're only giving this to me as my first assignment

because the boss is still mad at me.

Yeah, the whole infamous mohawk while he was sleeping prank thing!

Everybody thought it was funny. I even saw you laughing.

As I was saying, if you want your angel wings,

you have to make Carl the most popular kid at his high school.

You'll never pull it off.

This kid is totally unlucky. There's no way you can make him popular.

I can make any kid popular. It'll be a cakewalk.

OK. Carl Montclaire is all yours.

-What happens if I need your help?

-Easy.

I'll be the school's new guidance counsellor.

-Great.

-Good luck, Porter.

Blast.

-Did you guys just see that?

-See what?

-That kid just appeared out of nowhere right on the street.

Come on, Carl. You want me to believe he teleported?

There was nothing there and then he was here. Who is he?

He's going into my house! Why is he going into my house?

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything you've got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will surely conquer the world

# I got my wings from an angel

# Now we're wingin' it all the time

# I'm giving wings to an angel

# Oh, the wings of an angel

# Now we've got to learn to glide. #

Who wants something to drink?

-Yes! Gobsmack juice.

-Turn the page.

-Is that Carl sunburned or is that red paint?

-Sunburned.

Nah!

Argh!

-What about that one?

-That's where Carl got stuck inside his parka.

We're still not sure how that happened.

Can I get a hand here?

Carl is such a dweeb.

Hello, I am in the room.

Oh, Carl, you're not a dweeb.

You're just a little unlucky.

Why does everyone tell me that?

So you don't think you're such a dweeb.

-Becky, apologise to your brother.

-Sorry.

I have to make fun of Carl, it's a little sister's job.

And you've been putting in a little too much overtime.

What can I say, I love my work.

-Hey, Carl. Nice to see you again.

-Again? Who are you?

-This is your cousin Porter from Vancouver. You met him last summer.

-I've never met this guy.

Of course you have. He's your cousin!

-You know, the son of Uncle Watchamahoosit.

-Yeah, our uncle.

-The one who always did that...

-..Car thing.

-And he had that big...

-..Factory thing with the outdoor...

..Thing that went...

ALL: Bwap!

THEY LAUGH

That thing sure was funny.

You know what's funny?

I just saw this guy fall out of the sky.

And right into our laps, and until his dad's job transfer goes through,

he'll be staying with us.

-So, why don't you show Porter your room?

-Why?

You are so full of questions today.

Because that's where he'll be staying, silly.

I've been training angels for as long as I can remember

and I've never met one as reckless as Porter Jackson.

Remember when he replaced your halo with that honey glazed donut?

Now that was a delicious prank.

It took me a week to get the icing out of my hair.

OK. You'll have to take

the top bunk because I tend to fall out.

-You slept with a helmet until you were nine?

-I wore that helmet cos I was just really into hockey.

All right. Why don't we take the top bunk

down and just rearrange the room?

Nah. No.

This is my room, it's fine.

-It took me years to get it like this.

-OK, Carl.

-Where should I hang my stuff?

-What stuff?

Where did that come from?

Look, whatever. You can have half my closet space. All the sudden

I'm sharing a room? That's not right. How does that happen?

You like it?

Yeah. Yeah, I like what you've done with the place. No!

No, I don't! What is going on? How did you trick my mum and my sister?

I don't have an uncle from Vancouver with the car thing and the funny thing that goes "bwah"!

-What is going on here?

-You should sit down.

No, thank you. I'll stand.

Surprise!

No, I haven't told him yet!

Fine, if you need me, I'll be checking out their garbage.

-That raccoon was talking!

-Hey, I'm a raccoon minion,

kind of like an angel's helper.

-Not exactly 100% raccoon, but I'm pretty close.

-Who are you?

I'm your guardian angel.

Actually, I'm an AIT.

-An AIT?

-Angel In Training.

I've been sent to help you become the most popular kid at Bennett High.

HE LAUGHS

Well, I hope you're not offended, but maybe you wouldn't mind proving

it because you'll have to admit that's nutso!

All right.

-Halo and angel wings.

-Yeah, I don't get real wings until I'm a full angel.

I've seen that so many times before.

It never gets old.

Bet you haven't seen that before.

-Hey, Principal Malone.

-Hey, Carl.

You've got five minutes to get to class.

-Thanks for the heads up.

-No problem.

# Hey, Tara, don't be late, off you go to matriculate

# Hey you, no running in the halls unless you're being chased by a monster. #

Just kidding, there are no monsters!

# No, no, no, no cellphones in the hallway, let's put those away. #

Seriously, let's say goodbye. Thank you.

See you, guys.

-Watch it, Sardine.

-Sorry about that.

I call Carl Sardine. It just came to my head.

Pretty good, huh? Just like that.

Last week in gym class, Carl was looking kind of wiggly.

An hour later, I was like, check out the Carl-amander.

But it was too late because he was home by then.

Carl Montclaire, did you know you share your name with a famous monk?

Ichabob H Montclaire.

-Do you ever think about getting into monking?

-No, but I will now.

-Good.

-Isn't it called monkery?

-No, it's monking.

-OK.

Hey, Jane. I've got to talk to you.

-Make it fast, I'm late.

-You're not going to believe this.

-Take a look over there.

-What? The new guy?

-Isn't he your cousin?

-Did he trick you?

He's pretending to be my cousin.

-He's not, though. He's actually a mango-lia-karia-lesso.

-What?

No. A jara-kia-fol-ay-aya.

Ahem. He's a pia-koya-say-vaya. I can't say it!

I am sharing a room with a plop-plop-sleepy-plop.

I don't have time for this, Carl.

I have to come up with an article for the school newspaper.

I thought you were doing it on the basketball shoot-out.

No. My editor said it's a foregone conclusion, Surge will win. Again.

Mainly because no one is willing to play against him.

I'm thinking of having my name legally changed to Swish.

My editor says I have to write about Britney's party.

-Slow news day, huh?

-She says gossip's the only thing

keeping newspapers in business these days. It's a waste of my talent.

I hear Britney's parties are pretty sweet.

Give me a break. I'm a legitimate high school reporter.

I don't do fluff pieces on airheads.

I do hard-hitting exposes on crisis in the cafeteria.

I liked how you peeled back the bun on the contents of the sloppy Joes.

Who'd want to go to her party anyway?

Yep. Who'd want to go to her party?

Britney thinks she's all that

just because she's really pretty, popular and all the boys adore her.

OK, maybe she is all that.

Maybe I'm a little bit jealous,

but I have one thing she doesn't have.

This thermos. Britney may be hot but so is my soup.

Who is that cute guy?

He must be new. I've got to invite him to my party.

Two more minutes till the bell.

-Hi, Principal Malone.

-Hello, Britney.

If you need any help taking this new student

to his class, I'd be happy to help.

Oh, that's Porter Jackson.

He just transferred here. You can take to Mr Nakamura's class.

Sure thing.

-So you're the new guy? Porter, right?

-That's right.

Well, it's your lucky day because I'm - wait for it - Britney.

And I'm inviting you to my party tomorrow night.

Just think of it as the welcome wagon, making you feel...welcome.

Sounds like a lot of fun.

-I just need a second.

-Walk with me, Porter.

Fantastic. You spend one day here and you got an invitation.

-Awesome. I can't say the word "angel" any more.

-You just did.

You know what I mean. You put some kind of spell on me!

I can't have you running around telling people I'm an angel.

-That's just not cool!

-I wasn't running,

I was walking at a brisk pace.

You're the only who's supposed to know about me.

If my secret got out, this just wouldn't work.

-Ahem.

-I gotta go.

Talk to you later, Carl.

-Who was that guy?

-That's Carl Montclair.

-He's my cousin.

-BELL RINGS

-Nice office, Dr Cassabi.

-It gets a lovely breeze.

So you like being the guidance counsellor so far?

Yeah. It's not my dream job...

Maybe one day you'll get to drive a subway train!

Until then, I have my fantasies.

Ee-er-ee-er. Clear the doors, please!

Toot-toot!

So how are things going with Carl Montclair?

He seems to be settling into the whole guardian angel thing.

Great. That's what I like to hear.

What are you planning to do about his popularity problems?

-First I'll try to give Carl a confidence boost.

-Don't forget this.

Ah, the angel textbook.

A light read, huh?

Like I haven't heard that before! This book will tell you how to,

and how not to, use your angel magic.

It's a complete manual for angels in training.

Great. Thanks.

DR CASSABI WHISTLES

You know people say something is the best thing since sliced bread?

What did they say before that?

Just, "That's the best thing since bread?"

Cos your life would be boring if bread was special.

Alex is sort of... Well, I guess you can say

he marches to the beat of his own drum.

Although he does know the name of every capital city in the world.

True. And he can speak Swahili.

-I guess it's best to just say...

-He's Alex!

Got to go.

Hey, Montclair! Are you one of those people who hate sports? Or athletes?

-Or do you just hate basketball?

-I don't hate basketball.

-No?

-Then why mock everything I hold sacred?

-What are you talking about?

I hear you signed up for the basketball shoot-out.

I didn't sign up for that.

Sure you did, Carl. I saw you do it!

Don't listen to him - he's a fra-ma-la-sheek-ahala-halas.

Hello, friend. You're welcome here. Ni hao!

I've devoted a major part of my life to honing and perfecting

my b-ball skills and now it's lesson time.

You and me, basketball court, mano-a-mano, 4 o'clock.

I've got, er, origami club at four.

We were meant to make paper cranes...

OK, 5 o'clock. Mano-a-mano...

Yeah, I got it. Mano-a-mano.

I know you got it, a-mano!

If I'm going to make you popular, you need to be quiet

about this whole origami thing.

Forget the origami thing. I need to practise basketball.

Ready when you are.

I have been practising for two hours and I haven't gotten any better.

You said you were my guardian angel. Why would you sign me up

for a competition I've no chance of winning?

Now I see why they sent me to help you.

You need to have confidence in yourself and in me.

Yeah, well, that's easy for you to say. You're an angel!

Angel in training.

You know what you need? A pep-talk.

Where am I? What just happened?

-Hey! How's it going?

-Porter, I should have known it was you.

-Is this the new guy?

-Carl, meet...

-Randy Foye! You're in the NBA!

-This is incredible!

-He needs some help with his basketball skills.

You want to learn how to do this?

It's easy, Carl.

There's one little secret. You have to believe in yourself.

Have you seen the size of my freakishly small hands?

Enough negative talk. Just go out there and do your best.

-I'll try. Thanks, Randy.

-Serge is going to be here soon.

OK, Porter. You'd better get me back.

-I was right in the middle of practice.

-Thanks, Randy.

Believe in yourself.

Let there be b-balling begin!

-I don't know if I can do this. Any advice?

-Sure, Carl.

You bounce the ball while you're walking around.

-That's called dribbling.

-I know you're joking but, honestly,

thank you for the reminder.

Would you mind losing so bad

-that it's worth a story?

-Now THAT I can do!

Hey, Alex. Did you come to see me totally humiliate myself?

Yes. And I brought carrot snacks!

Hey, Carl, get over here!

How d'you think Carl's going to do?

I'm an expert in losing and he's gonna lose - bad!

-Hey, hey - can anyone see you?

-Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?

That's a separate question, but you know what I mean.

Don't worry about it, no one can see or hear me. I'm in stealth mode.

Ha-ha! I don't have a single angel power, but I can make

myself invisible any time I want.

I also have racoon powers, like an incredible sense of smell, and I can

eat anything I want - except jalapenos, they make me gassy.

PHRRRT!

-Oh! Excuse me.

-Look at Porter, huh?

Gotta give him credit for jumping in as fast as he did.

Most AITs take a few weeks before

they really get the lay of the land, not Porter.

Hey, Montclair, let's do this.

You are going down.

-I think this means, "I'm watching you."

-You're going down, Carl.

First to 21 wins.

I'm so dead.

Hi.

# I built my soul on rock and roll

# Then someone told me kids don't rock no more... #

THEY CHEER

-That's not good.

-That is not good.

Want the ball? Want the ball? Want the ball?

# ..I'm just a bad little mutt showing off

# And if you love me let me see your hands up

# If you hate me why the hell you show up?

# I'm just a bad little mutt showing off

# I'm just a bad little mutt showing off... #

How does he deal with the humiliation?

He's been practising his whole life.

All right! High-fives for Serge!

Whoo!

CHEERING

Oh, this is so boring.

I could be at the mall right now, shopping or trying on clothes.

-Hey, you know what you could do?

-What?

Shall I do a cheer? That always gets everyone going.

Or how about this - whoever wins,

you invite to your party. That will get things going.

That is so cool, it would be like giving back to the little people.

-Exactly.

-Listen up, everybody!

Quiet in the back.

I just had the best idea since bread.

Whoever wins the shoot-out gets to come to my party.

ALL: Ooh!

# And you can't stop me now

# Cos life is much too fast

# And I won't come in last... #

CHEERING

Come on! What you got, sardine? What you got?

Yay!

CHEERING

This better not be steroids!

-What's the score?

-20 to 20, next shot wins.

What are you doing, Porter?

-Helping Carl.

-Not like this. Will you follow him his whole life

making everything easy for him?

I'm supposed to make him the most popular kid in school.

You're supposed to encourage and give him direction. This is unacceptable.

-All right, after this one last shot.

-No. You're not helping

-Carl's confidence by letting him win. Your powers stop now.

-But...

No, you are cut off until tomorrow.

Come on, Carl, you can do it!

You got it, Carl!

-Go for it!

-Come on, Carl!

Yes! I actually won! That's a first.

I actually lost. At a sport. It's not possible!

You won it, man!

Way to go, Carl!

I guess I'll see you at my party, then, Calvin.

-Calvin, Carl, whatever, man. I'll be there.

-Obvi.

Good game, Monclair.

Thanks, man. Good one.

CHEERING

So you didn't use any of your angel magic to help my last shot?

Not even a little. That last shot was all you.

Well, I must say, I'm a little impressed with myself.

You're a good influence, Porter.

Before you came, I am not sure if Carl would

-have entered a basketball shoot-out or gone to a party.

-Thanks, Mrs M.

I still don't understand how you could have won that shoot-out

with your tiny, tiny hands.

Yeah, well, having my cousin around isn't half as bad as

-I thought it would be.

-Thanks, Carl.

Have a good time, guys.

And don't do anything I wouldn't do.

What? You mean like don't show up to the party without my blankie?

-Ooh! Don't wait up for me.

-Gotcha.

What's the hold-up? We've got a party to go to.

-I thought you weren't gonna go.

-I'm working on an article

-on modern youth, demonstrating the propensity to...

-Yeah, right.

Who am I kidding? It's gonna be an awesome party!

Oh, dude, do you think there'll be a pinata?

-There'll be one now.

-Oh, boy.

You are going to make things interesting for me, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

# Ai ai ai ai

# Arriba arriba arriba! #

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