Big Hairy Deal Wingin' It

Man, I love chocolate milk.

You got some on your...

Did I get it, Porter?

Not even close, Carl. Right here.

It's just making it worse.

Where exactly do you think your mouth is?

Nice 'stache, Carl.

You're supposed to drink it, not wear it.

I think I look good with a moustache.

Well, it would help cover some of your face.

Check one for Becky!

-Do you think I could pull off a beard?

-Yeah. But it'd hurt.

Why don't we throw milk on your face and see?

Becky, you'll have hair on your face before me.

Don't believe me? Look at Aunt Lily. You take after her.

Mum! Carl said I take after Aunt Lily.

What's wrong with that?

You do have her cheeks. Carl, there are two objects in the garage

-that look like garbage bags.

-Sorry, I forgot to take them out.

You tell me you're old enough for an 11pm bedtime

but you can't even handle garbage bags.

How about I take out the garbage for two weeks

and you give me an 11pm bedtime?

Or how about you take them out and I keep your bedtime the same?

Come on. I'm the only kid in my grade

that hasn't learned the 10pm news is boring.

-Get your stuff, we're leaving in five minutes.

-Tough break.

If I had a 5 o'clock shadow, I'd have an 11 o'clock bedtime.

Half the guys at Bennett High can grow facial hair.

They still sleep with teddies.

You're missing my point. Facial hair equals maturity.

All right. Let's see how you look with a beard.

Huh! Wow! This is so cool!

See, there's certain things you don't say around an angel.

You don't say, "Hmm. I'd look good with a beard."

Because nine times out of ten, you're getting a beard.

Wait. I'm not supposed to have a beard! Get rid of it!

You're going to be late, and I don't see any progress on the garbage...

What are you doing?

Uh...nothing. Just, the garbage stinks.

Yeah. That's it. I'm sure by now it totally reeks.

So, you know, just getting ready for it. Just steeling myself.

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will shine, conquer the world

# Hey!

# I got my wings from an angel

# Now we're in it all the time

# I'm giving wings to an angel

# On the wings of an angel

# Now we gotta learn to fly. #

Porter, I'm begging you. Take this thing away, please.

I shaved four times and it sprouted right back.

-You don't own a razor.

-I had to use Mum's.

Boy! I really need to start waxing.

Please get rid of this. You have no idea how itchy it is.

All right.

That's weird.

The index. Flying bagels, barkless beagles...

ah, insta-beards.

-I didn't know that.

-What? What didn't you know?

Magic beards last for a week.

You're lucky I didn't give you sideburns, they last a year.

-Sorry about that.

-You're sorry?! I'm 15!

-I wanted stubble, not the face of a biker!

-More like a lumberjack.

Or a sea captain. Or a hockey player during the play-offs.

I look like a wizard!

I am going to be the laughing stock of Bennett High.

I can see my nickname now.

Hey, look, it's a bite-sized Sasquatch.

At least you'll have a nickname.

-Stop worrying. Have I steered you wrong before?

-Well, let's see.

Uh, yes!

OK, other than this?

I said I wanted to be at the MALL!

Don't worry. I'll get you out of this.

Don't worry. I'll get you out of this.

Don't worry. I'll get you out of this.

Hey, I'm just an angel in training. I'm still working stuff out.

-BELL RINGS

-Well, looks like I'll be

living inside my hoodie for a week.

You can feed me sandwiches through the hole.

And no tuna fish, please.

Sometimes I have to get Carl out of his safety zone.

You throw him in the water, he thinks he'll sink,

but he can doggy-paddle with the best of them.

And that, my friends, is fun to watch!

It's time for Bennett High to meet the new Carl Montclaire.

What do I do now? Tell people I glued my hands to my face?

-Relax. You look cooler than you think.

-Sorry, sir. Sorry.

Sir? What was that?

-You said facial hair equals maturity.

-Maturity? This is not maturity!

Now that's maturity.

Ah, just the man I've been looking for.

-Thank you for coming at short notice, Mr Becker.

-What?!

-Let me show you the math class you'll sub.

-Good luck, "Mr Becker"!

Morning, class. I'm Mr Becker.

Your substitute teacher.

-COUGHS DEEPER VOICE:

-Substitute teacher.

The beard probably tipped you off

-and the "Mr" part.

-BOYS CHUCKLE

So what were you guys working on?

-You.

-That question on the board.

Ah, right.

Right, um, well...well...

I can...I can tell you

how solve this problem thingy on the board

because I, being a maths teacher, know this...stuff.

But that would be too easy, so, er, you there - smart kid,

-show us how it's done.

-How do you know I'm the smart kid?

Er, well...

well, who else would sit in the front row?

-They're sitting in the front row.

-She's right, sir.

Again, very smart!

SHE SIGHS The three angles in a triangle

always add up to 180 degrees

so angle alpha... BOYS LAUGHS

If you have something to say, why don't you share it with the class?

All right.

If I order Hawaiian pizza, I get cream soda.

If I get Meat Lovers, then it's a root beer.

Sounds to me like you're studying for a pop quiz.

ALL GROAN

If you guys want to do well here, start laughing at those.

Why are we studying this stuff?

My cellphone has a calculator.

Good point.

How many of you are going to be eating that Meat Lovers?

There's Benny and Jerome and Carter and...

-Just need to know how many.

-Five.

-And how do you divide up that pizza?

-With that circle knife thing.

-No, I mean between the five people.

-Oh, er, I don't know.

We always get fight about that and Jerome gets quiet.

Well, think of the pizza slices like triangles.

-Er...done!

-So, if you know how to measure a circle and a triangle

-you'd know how to split your pizza equally, wouldn't you?

-Oh, yeah!

I never knew that maths could relate to junk food.

Thanks, Mr B.

Mr B.

I like that.

Now, moving on, square pizzas...

-So Mr B caught Alex...

-Mr B?

-Mr Becker, the new sub, but we call him Mr B.

-Gotcha.

Anyway, Mr B caught Alex chewing gum.

But instead of asking him to spit it out

he made him blow a bubble, then we measured the circumference.

-Isn't that cool?

-As a popsicle.

When Mr B talks, everything makes sense.

Before maths was just a bunch of numbers.

Now it all adds up.

Porter, is he wearing my blazer?

No, I wanted him to look cool!

-Sorry.

-You're supposed to make Carl a popular student,

not a popular teacher.

It maybe a bit off-ramp, but it's still on the road to popularity.

You're not the one who has to live with a beard for a week

-so I'm removing it.

-Don't do that! It'll be fine.

How am I supposed to learn if you're always bailing me out?

OK. But it's against my better judgment.

-That's what I love about you.

-If only there were a few things

-I could love about you.

-HE CHUCKLES

Man, look at Mr Becker teach trig!

# Hey, Mr Becker He's got all the angles

# He's got all degrees of complexities

# Kids call him Mr B

# But he's the king of trig identities

# Mr B, hmm. #

Porter needs to think things through before he doles out those miracles.

Keep an eye on the situation, make sure it doesn't get too hairy.

-As you trusty sidekick...

-Minion!

-As your minion,

I'll stay on top of him like a wig.

But don't get involved.

Porter says he wants to do it on his own, we'll let him.

Ha-ha, also I would...

-I wasn't finished.

-I'm sorry, I thought you were.

-No.

-What else?

-Nothing, nothing.

-Come on, I'm your minion.

-No, never mind.

-Please?

-No.

-Please?

-No.

-Please?

-All right.

I finally got that bow tie that I was looking at.

-Ah! Well, it looks very nice.

-No, this isn't it.

Well, I look forward to seeing you when you do decide to wear it.

Now I'm done.

..And read chapter six for tomorrow, OK?

Remember, doing homework in front of the TV is multi-tasking!

So you're the hit substitute teacher - Mr B!

That's what they call me.

-B is for Becker.

-I gathered.

Mr B, as in "the best", as in the "bearded one".

-As in...

-"Bogus" or "boring" or both!

Being a substitute teacher is different than you'd think.

-Need to rap with the kids on their level.

-Rap?

The grown-up word for "talk".

What happened to the real Mr Becker?

I sent him to the wrong address.

He needed a vacation anyway.

Hey, not so fast, Mr B.

Teachers don't eat in the cafeteria.

They eat in there.

In the teachers' lounge.

I can't go in there. I'll eat my lunch in the car

like a science teacher.

-Talkin' the talk, but not walkin' the walk.

-You want to play it like that.

Oh, I'm talkin' AND walkin'. I'm going in there.

-You are?

-Yeah.

Mr B's hungry. Gots to feed the beard!

I'm teaching income tax today. My way to get the kids to do my taxes!

-THEY LAUGH

-Had my history class

landscaping my back yard.

I told them we were doing an archaeological dig!

TEACHERS LAUGH

I've got my maths class dividing by zero just to freak them out.

Dividing by zero?

That's impossible!

Oh, don't I know it!

THEY LAUGH

Carl Montclaire...

-HE COUGHS

-Yes, sir.

-..is skipping classes.

-Becker, have you seen him?

-Um...

Montclaire, Montclaire...?

Er, yeah. Great student. Handsome.

-Real hope for the future of our nation.

-Right.

-The skipping thing's not like him.

-No, it's not like him at all.

I'll be sure to have a rap session with him.

I appreciate that.

Oh, are those scones?

Jam! I need some jam!

Eh, Nakamura, is that coffee fresh?

Like it matters.

THEY LAUGH

-Like it matters!

-LAUGHTER CONTINUES

It doesn't matter! He does not...

He just said it!

He just said IT!

-Mr B is great.

-Yeah, most teachers make us raise our hands.

He makes us raise the roof!

That was smooth that you convinced Becky and your mum

that you joined all the school clubs.

CLUNK!

SLURPING

Ha!

We don't even have a Mexican wrestling team!

Don't you think this is getting out of hand?

I do have tests to grade

-and they want me on the safety committee.

-I've created a monster!

Thank goodness there's only two days of this then back to normal.

So long beard, so long Mr B.

Too bad. I was beginning to make a difference with these kids,

-and I get the summers off.

-You always get the summers off,

you're still a kid. You should be going to class.

I'm teaching five classes a day!

As Carl. You haven't handed in any homework in a week.

I'm about to fix that - this is all my homework for the whole week.

Thanks to Jane.

Jane, there's been a rash of plagiarism in the school.

-I have to copy your work.

-That's the definition of plagiarism.

You might just be a suspect.

Hmm.

Hey! Jane worked really hard on that.

You can't cheat - against angel policy.

It's not cheating if I'm too busy teaching to do homework.

-No, actually, it's still cheating.

-Fine.

I'm Mr B.

See you in fifth period.

Oh, and heads up - multiple-choice test today.

-All the answers are C.

-Thanks a lot.

-Can anyone see you?

-Oh, don't worry.

I'm in stealth mode.

Raccoon minions, well not just raccoon minions,

all angel minions have the ability to be invisible.

We can pop in and out any time we want.

Especially cool if you have to let off a real stink bomb.

-PFRRT!

-You should see people's faces

as they try to figure out who did it.

You look worried.

Look again - I'm not worried at all.

-It's smooth sailing for Captain Porter on the SS No Problemo.

-Ah.

Oh, look. It's Carl's mum.

How's the sailing now?

-I think I'm sunk.

-Yeah, man overboard!

Or should I say man overbeard! Ha-ha!

Formula for the volume of a sphere?

4/3 (pi r cubed).

Swish!

Area of a triangle?

-½ base x height.

-Correct.

Volume of a pyramid?

Oh, man!

I couldn't do this the first time I failed this grade.

-Or the second.

-You can do it.

Er... 1/3 area of the base x height?

And the height is?

The distance from the base...

to the apex?

Sorry, Serge, but...

-touchdown!

-CHEERING

Dawson, do the maths till I get back.

I'm in the middle of a class!

-We're in big trouble. You mum's in the Principal's office.

-Ah!

Probably didn't buy I was taking up bee keeping,

with my rational fear of bees.

Having a fear of bees is pretty rational. They sting.

-TANNOY:

-'Mr Becker, please come to the Principal's office

'and watch your step at Reception, we have a spill.'

This is when we separate the boys from the...

boys with beards.

From what you tell me, Porter's in over his head this time.

You have to help, boss.

Has Porter learnt his lesson yet?

It's Porter, what do you think?

Well, we'll twist in the wind a little longer.

-Sometimes the best teacher is failure.

-Then I must be a genius!

-Hey, can I have that banana peel?

Mm-hm. There you go.

Thanks.

-Dennis? Dennis?

-Uh-oh!

-Ahhhh!

-CRASH!

The genius just landed on his head(!)

Ah, Mr Becker, come in.

This is Angela Montclaire, Carl Montclaire's mother.

-Um, hello. Nice to meet you.

-Have we met before?

You look strangely familiar.

Oh, I get that a lot, Mum... Mum of Carl.

Mr Becker, you are the only teacher who has a connection

with Carl. He's not skipping your class.

This is unbelievable. It's not like Carl.

Hey, I get that all the time.

But we might just find it is like him.

Well this is definitely unacceptable. I'll look into it.

-Right now.

-Mr Becker, please stay.

Mrs Montclaire, have you noticed anything odd at home?

Hmm...yeah.

There have been some weird things happening.

What specifically?

The only thing I can think of is Carl's joined a lot of school clubs.

Oh, well that could definitely distract him.

Some are so much fun. Couldn't get me out of astronomy.

Called ourselves the lunar-tics.

Attention, please. Carl Montclaire to the office.

What? Oh, so you want us both in here at the same time!

Well, I'm going to go and get some coffee for our rap session.

Um, would you like any coffee?

I take mine black.

I don't suggest the cream. I'll be back. Just a moment.

Port! Port!

Mum and the Principal are in the office.

-They want to meet with Mr Becker and Carl! What do I do?

-Don't know -

-Carl's on a day trip?

-No, we have to fix it now.

I just gave you my best and only idea.

If I could get out of this I'd never complain about being a kid again.

-Can I get that in writing?

-Er, hey, Dr Cassabi.

So, Porter, what kind of trouble have you got into?

No trouble. Well, um, maybe a minor adjustment to the, er...

HE SIGHS All right, I'm in trouble.

Well do something! I have to be back in that office right now.

Don't you think you need to clean up your own mess?

-The mess you're talking about is me.

-Me, too. It's my mess as well.

I can't fix this on my own.

Fine.

I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but... OK, back up a bit.

Back up, this is big.

OK...

Wow! I haven't seen the beard from this angle.

Looks good.

I look so young and innocent, yet so panicky.

Don't expect me to bail you both out again.

-This is a limited two-for-one offer.

-OK, Mr Becker,

let's go and bail ourselves out.

Wait, wait, wait!

Wait a minute, young man.

Now, what's the lesson here?

Um...I guess I'm a lot like Carl?

And maybe I was rushing things a little fast.

I just want my angel wings.

Hm, looks like you did a little growing this week, too.

Ah, who am I fooling, I'm just glad there's not two of you.

-Now get out of here before I give you a 100-year detention.

-Thanks.

-BOTH:

-I just want to say that...

-Sorry.

-Sorry, you go.

-OK.

I know that Carl's been off his A-game but I want to remind you

how difficult it is to be a teenager. Isn't it, Carl?

Oh, yeah. It sure is, Mr B.

He's a good kid.

That's still up for discussion.

He's close to failing all his classes.

The issue here isn't how Carl is failing school

but how school is failing Carl.

-Exactly!

-Hey!

Let's not go nuts here. This is a good school.

We just bought five new tubas. And a piccolo.

Maybe it's me. I should take some responsibility here.

-I've been so busy at work.

-No, it's not you, Mom.

-Well, it could be.

-True.

-You should leave no stone unturned.

-Obviously, it's my fault!

Maybe she's right.

Now we can all move on, forgive and forget.

-Just not been around enough for you, Carl.

-No. No, no, no.

Wait, it's not your fault, it's mine.

The truth is...it was me who skipped all those classes.

And it was up to me to complete all those assignments.

I promise I'll catch up on my studies and I owe you all an apology.

Now that's what I call maturity.

You sort of remind me of myself.

Before I had this beard.

Oh, honey. I'm so glad you're finally taking some responsibility!

This is also probably a good time to announce that I've been hired

for a full-time teaching position elsewhere.

Have you heard of Te... Tetengamunda High School?

No.

-Then that's where I'm going. Goodbye.

-You'll be missed.

Not just because you brought fresh muffins to the staff lounge

-but because you care for these kids.

-Yes. Thank you you did for Carl.

That's what Mr B does, right?

Oh, if I can make one final suggestion -

Carl's been showing a lot of grown-up behaviour.

-I think he's ready to have a later bedtime.

-Mr Becker's right, Mum.

As long as he remembers to take out the garbage.

-BOTH:

-So never.

-Pretty much.

One, two, three...

One, two, three...

-One, two, three...

-Ha! Rock beats scissors. In your face.

That's such a complicated game, isn't it?

That settles it.

-The kids loved you, Mr Becker.

-Here's looking at me, kid.

Dr Cassabi, did you make the right one disappear? Which one am I?

Wasn't he me or I him? Or are we both ourselves?

-Well the best way to look at it is...

-Hey...

who's going to pay the bill?

ALL: Mr Becker.

HE SINGS IN GERMAN

# Herr B, hmm. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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