She Blinded Me with Science Wingin' It

I'm so late. I'm so late! Where are my keys?

Check the front door. Maybe you left them in the lock again.

-They're right here, Mom.

-Oh! How'd they get there?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, I'll get it.

-I know I'm missing something else.

-Your short-term memory.

-No...

My lunch is in the fridge!

MOBILE BEEPS

Did you get my text?

The one you just sent, the one you sent five minutes ago,

-or the 50 others?

-Today we pick science lab partners.

So? What's the big deal?

You've partnered Jane since grade two, I get stuck with weird kids.

Like the kid who was afraid of light!

-And sound.

-Don't worry, you and I can be partners.

-Promise?

-If that's what you need.

-You didn't say it.

-Have a great day, honey.

-Bye, Mom.

You didn't say it.

See you in science, Alex.

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we've got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will surely conquer the world

-# Hey!

-I got my wings from an angel

# Now we're wingin' it all the time

# I'm giving wings to an angel

# On the wings of an angel

# Now we've got to learn to fly. #

This is great. Now Mr Dolby won't stick me with the Listern sisters.

Their last lab partner's hair turned white. He had to move school.

-I heard they breed rats.

-Then feed them to their pet boa constrictor.

Also, rumour has it they live in a shipwreck.

Good thing we're partners then, Alex.

Let's get right into it, class.

I need a student from each lab team

to come up and write down you and your partner's name.

Go ahead.

-Hey, Carl.

-Er...hey, Brittany.

-You're pretty good at science, aren't you?

-I've been known to dissect things.

-Do you want to be my lab partner?

-Is this a joke?

-No, why would I joke about something so boring?

Really, you want me?

My Dolby said that I can't partner up with my friends

because of our "giggle fits". His words, not mine.

So I had to pick a partner that's smart but doesn't look too geeky.

I can't risk looking even slightly less fabulous.

Carl will do.

Er...sure, I'd love to be your lab partner.

Attention, future Nobel Prize winners!

Your lab groups are as follows.

Porter and Natalie.

Douglas E and Douglas O.

Samuel and Sanjay...

Not pronouncing this right, but... Berneep? Berneep? Burnup?

-Barnaby, sir.

-Barnaby. OK, bad penmanship there.

Carl and Brittany.

-That must be a mistake.

-There's no mistake. I'm sorry, Alex.

-Something came over me.

-You were meant to pick me.

And it seems that...Alex is the odd man out this semester.

So why don't you team up with...

-Oh, please, no!

-..the Listern sisters?

Oh.

Oh! It's good, it's good!

No, no good. Try again.

-You moved your paw!

-No, I didn't.

-Yes, you did. I want a replay.

Huh? See? A definite field goal. KNOCK ON DOOR

-I'll see you at six for table cricket.

-You got it!

Come in.

He took my quarter.

-Dr Cassabi?

-Miss Casey, what can I do for you?

-Well, Dr Cassabi , I'm writing this month's Teacher Feature.

-That is?

It's where we feature a...teacher.

-Ah, you didn't say that last part.

-We want to know everything about you.

Where you come from, what inspired you to teach.

I'd be honoured to share my life experiences with the student body.

Thank you.

This is going to be fun.

Please state your full name for the record.

-Dr J Bartholomew Cassabi.

-And what does the J stand for?

-Jimothy.

-Jimothy?

It's not a very common name these days!

OK, first question. Why'd you become a teacher?

Er...

Yes. I first decided to teach

as I was making my final ascent on Mount Kilimanjaro.

The air was thick with promise.

The scent of lavender and monkeys permeated everywhere.

And as I got to the top and looked around, I noticed...

I had absolutely no idea of how to get down.

-So it's that easy to sell out Alex?

-I didn't sell him out.

-It's more of a lease.

-No, you sold him out.

-You only picked Brittany because she's pretty.

-She's more than that.

I ordered pepperoni.

All right. Give me three qualities

that make Brittany a better science partner than Alex.

Ha! Oh, there's just so many to choose from. So hard to narrow down.

-How about you give me one?

-How about you don't rush me?

Oh! I got one. She's organised.

I sort my lipsticks by brand, by hue and then by gloss.

That's weird. My 18-hour double bubble gloss

should be next to my tutti fruity pinktastic.

This is madness.

I can't believe you threw your best friend...

-I like to think that's you, Porter.

-You threw ONE of your best friends

under the prettiest-girl-in-school bus!

All right. I know Alex. It's not a big deal to him. He'll get over it.

What can I get you?

I don't have an appetite.

That's what happens when you get stabbed in the back.

Yeah. He's getting over it.

That's when I began writing my third novel, Paint The Ponderous Valley.

-Now it's in edition 13, which...

-Oh! I'm running out of space.

We'd better stop there.

But we haven't got to my adventures at teachers' college!

Spoiler alert! I graduate!

-The column's only 200 words.

-I could talk to Principal Malone

-about running it in instalments.

-That's OK!

Thanks so much, Dr Cassabi. That was very detailed.

You know what WOULD have sounded ridiculous? My TRUE story!

"Oh, hi, Jane. I'm an angel posing as a guidance counsellor.

"I've been to Earth thousands of times over thousands of years.

"I spend half my time matching wits with a talking racoon."

Sure, print that in your little newspaper.

Hey, Porter.

Well, another student inspired. Soon the whole school will be.

You know, Jane fact-checks all of her stories.

What? But it's a high school newspaper!

That's Jane. When she finds you don't exist, she'll dig

and end up blowing our cover. This could be really bad.

I knew I shouldn't have told her I invented the ice cube!

Do I look OK? Should I keep the part, show more ear?

Why do you care?

You still wear a T-shirt with a wolf howling at the moon!

-My gran gave me that. I just want to look good.

-For Brittany.

No! For science! Why can't a guy look good for science any more?

When Neil Armstrong walked on the moon

-he wore a bowtie instead of a spacesuit.

-I'm disappointed.

I know you only care about Brittany's looks.

I couldn't care less about Brittany's looks! Hey, Brittany.

-Did you do our reading, Carl?

-Of course, I made you some notes.

-They're colour-coded.

-Aw, you even dotted the I's with hearts.

-Just like you like it.

-OK. You get the science thing sorted.

I have to read this article on belts. They might be the new shoe!

Ah!

I mean...OK.

Look at those capris. She looks like a chicken!

Have you come to join our group or eat your words?

Turn her back right now, Porter!

It's not fair to her, it's not fair to me.

It's not fair to anyone with eyes!

-That's what I call a make-under.

-I call it a horror film!

-People are starting to notice!

-The magic only applies to you.

If appearances don't matter, why do you care Brittany's looks

-are a little rough around the edges?

-There are no edges left!

-She looks like something from Middle Earth!

-You must be glad

you didn't choose your good friend Alex.

Oh! Yeah!

You know what? This is a blessing in disguise!

-OK.

-Now I can appreciate her wonderful personality

without being distracted by her amazing looks.

HE WRETCHES

That's not distracting.

SHE LAUGHS

What answer did you get for the section on orbits?

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah. Planets circling the sun. Just hilarious.

Marlene snapped a pic of Serge mooning Janitor Jenkins?

-Gross!

-You want to talk about gross? All right. We should probably...

Shh!

SHE LAUGHS All right. I'm done talking.

Yeah, you were on the phone for, like, half an hour.

We should do some work.

Mm... How about you take care of the work part

and I'll take care of the typos?

Well, I'll get my daddy's secretary to take care of it.

Anybody need some brain food?

Oh, yeah, I'm starving. Thanks, Mrs Montclaire.

SHE BURPS

-Have some, Carl.

-Yeah. I hear carrots help you see clearly.

-I'm trying to quit.

-Hey, Porter.

-You want to see a pic of Serge mooning Janitor Jenkins?

-Why not?

Wow, Carl, she's pretty.

If you say so. I hadn't noticed.

I'm more interested in her for what she brings to the lab table.

Of course.

# My baby's got a cru-ush! #

Mom! No, all right? It's a strictly working relationship.

It's all science and zero chemistry.

On the off chance there is some chemistry, a word of advice.

Nothing impresses a girl more than a funny guy.

When I find a girl, I'll be sure to borrow Becky's knock-knock jokes.

She has some plastic dog poop. Uncle Walter's got a whoopee cushion.

I can hook you up.

-Hi, Alex.

-Hey, Alex.

Hi, Porter, and nobody else.

Alex still seems pretty upset. Maybe you should apologise.

Believe me, I've tried but he refuses to acknowledge me.

And my phone apology didn't exactly work.

'Please leave a message, unless this is Carl Montclaire,

'in which case, hang up after the jerk.

'Je-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-rk.'

I don't know, maybe I'll try and fax him an apology.

Porter! Nothing Dr Cassabi told me about his past checks out.

Not Jimothy, not his years at Harvard,

and definitely not him inventing the ice cube.

Are you sure you spelt his name right?

There's many ways of spelling Cassabi. Some with a silent Q.

Oh, I spelt it right. Dr Cassabi could be anybody!

Maybe he's in the witness protection programme or a criminal or a spy?

Then maybe you shouldn't dig any deeper.

If your theories are correct, Dr Cassabi could be very dangerous.

Exactly! I've got to get to the bottom of this!

If not for the safety of our school,

then for this year's Bennett Newshound Pennant.

I'm honoured!

By using journalism, I saved the school

from the greatest criminal mastermind of our time -

Dr Jimothy Cassabi.

-I can't convince you out of this, can I?

-It's what we reporters do.

Oh, boy. She seems keen on blowing my cover.

More than keen. You better come up with something good.

You're telling me.

Can you imagine if word gets back to head office that my cover was blown

by a high school newspaper?

The shame of it!

Hey, Brittany.

HE WRETCHES Excuse me, Carl.

-I'm trying to talk to my friends.

-Sorry, we should really go to class.

Lots of projects coming up.

I think between my brains and your...

brains...

The point is that if we work together, we'll pull it off.

You sound like my singing coach. He always gives me pep talks.

-Speaking of, do you want to hear my latest single?

-Not really. We have...

# Eyes like groupies

# Lips of gold

# Nose like diamonds

# Or so I'm told

# My name is Brittany

# My name is Bri-hi-hittany

# Brittany. #

Nice job, Brittany! Brittany, we love you.

That lucky jerk. Wow.

# I never knew that I could feel like this

# Yeah, my heart like warm sunshine

# So if you feel like your love ain't strong enough

# I could be the one to steer it up

# Like a beat I'll drop and not get up

# Cos when I saw you I knew

# My heart turned upside down

# It took a spin around

# Cos the girl I found

# She got me off the ground

# And I'm wrapped around her finger Like a diamond ring

# Hey, Cupid, let me get her Cos she makes me sing... #

Where's Brittany?

She had to get a latte. Look at Alex, showing off.

You've got to admit, it's a pretty cool presentation.

He's got nothing on me!

I'll blow the moons off his little solar system...model...thing.

All right, let's take a look at your final projects for this section.

Ooh, very nice, ladies and gentleman.

Feels like I'm floating in space.

Except you missed Neptune.

No, sir. In order to show the correct scale

we put Neptune across the street in the pizzeria.

Who ordered the Neptune pizza?

This work is...astronomical!

Pun intended.

-So, who's next?

-Here, sir.

What have you guys got going on over here?

We'll create the rings of Saturn using common chemical reactions.

-Very exciting.

-Pour the liquid till I tell you to stop, OK, Brittany?

OK. OK, that's enough.

-That's enough, that's enough, OK! Too much!

-Oh.

-Too much!

-Hello?

-Uh-huh.

-Holy planets!

BOOM!

-Hey, Carl.

-I'm not in a talking mood, Porter.

I've been covered in this stuff for three periods, it won't wash off.

-I haven't said anything.

-But I know what you were thinking.

-You're thinking the same. You look like a doofus.

-And I feel gross.

Well, you look gross. Let me fix that.

Never fails to impress me.

I've got to ditch Brittany, don't I? What was I thinking?!

I was totally into her for her looks. She's the worst lab partner.

Who'd ever think we'd hear those words coming out of my mouth?

I did, if you think about it.

All right, cover me. I'm going in.

Brittany, we need to talk.

H...

Talk about what, Carl?

Er...Brittany. Er...

In the interest of us passing Dolby's science class this semester,

-I need to...

-You need to what, Carl?

Find a new way to work harder.

-Oh! You haven't learned a thing!

-Hey!

Don't people deserve second chances? I need to share some of the blame.

Carl, I've been doing some thinking.

Great. Thinking's always good.

Yeah. I've been thinking you're the worst lab partner ever.

I need at least a B or I don't get a car next year.

So I think we should part ways before things get ugly.

Well done.

-Dr Cassabi! I've been doing some investi...gating...

-As you should!

..and none of your stories check out.

-I just want to give you a chance to explain before...

-Before what?

Before I have to go public. There's no monkey species named after you.

I got some Bulgarian money from the bank. Your picture's not on it!

It's all lies, Dr Cassabi! Bold-faced lies! I want the truth!

OK, Jane, you've got me. You're quite the investigative journalist.

I wouldn't be surprised to read one day that you've won the Pulitzer.

Or been silenced by the government for digging too deep.

-"Deeply". Adverb.

-See? Sharp as a tack.

There's a reason why my stories don't add up.

It's because Dr Cassabi is not my real name.

Your... Your name is Dr Bum Bum?

Er, actually it's pronounced "Boom Boom".

I had to change it to become a teacher.

You know how cruel kids can be.

To the students, a name like Bum Bum...

-"Boom Boom."

-.."Boom Boom"...

would be like a red flag to a bull.

Like my geography teacher, poor Mr Dweebus.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, yes. You can see, with this horrible name, that I panicked

and just started making things up.

-I'm sorry, sir.

-I'm sorry I had to keep the truth from you.

I hope I can trust you to keep this horrible thing a secret.

You can count on me, Dr Cassabi.

Thanks. Hey, you can call me "Dr Bum Bum".

Mm. BOTH: Better not.

You're taking this whole Brittany thing pretty well.

Sure, why not? It's win-win.

Hey, Brittany?

-How so?

-All I have to do is rescue Alex from the Listern sisters

and everything's back to normal.

-Cool shirt, man. Love the manatee.

-What do you want?

Me? Want something?

OK, look. I really don't like how I ditched you for Brittany

and if you had done that to me, I'd hate it.

It took me a while to realise how bad that was and...

I apologise.

Apology accepted. I get why you'd want to be with Brittany.

She's pretty.

Most of the time. I just want us to be OK again.

-OK.

-And...there's one more thing.

Be my lab partner again?

Please? Help me, Alex Wan Kenobi, I need you.

-I'd love to...

-Really?

..but I have a new partner.

-Hey, partner.

-Alex!

What are you...?!

She is just using you! Run, you fool, you'll be doing all the work!

So? Science is my best subject and talking to pretty girls is my worst.

I got your lab partner transfer form, Alex and Brittany, and I agree.

It's safe to say the former configuration was a disaster.

This will work out much better.

-Mr Montclaire?

-Yes, sir?

-Why don't you, er, team up with, er... Hm...

..the Listern sisters?

Action.

Subtitles by Zoe Short Red Bee Media Ltd

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