Hold the Dressing Wingin' It

Don't be tricked by these colours like Glen was,

he's been chewing the gum for about 12 hours now.

As you can see...

ALL: Eurgh!

..this gum no longer tastes like spearmint.

Flavour that lasts for infinity? More like flavour that runs out...

Hey, Porter, have you heard about that new Failed State

that opened at the mall?

That store's full of crud

that fashion zombies think they need in order to live.

Must... have... scarves!

Whatevs, Jane, the point is that store is the coolest!

Working there would be like working in a coolness factory.

You know who would know? Carl.

Since when have you worked at Failed State?

-Who said what now?

-What?

Why didn't you tell me?

-Can I use your employee discount on a sweater? Please?

-What?

Yeah! Sure thing, Brittany, I think I'm working this weekend.

Awesome, you're the best!

That's our presentation, Mr Nakamura.

Thank you, Serge and Glen, for that... tasteless presentation.

CLASS GROANS

BELL RINGS

Carl, Jane, Alex, don't forget you're presenting on Monday!

Everyone else have a great weekend.

Remember...

think business, act business, be business,

no monkey business!

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we've got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will surely conquer the world

# Hey! I've got my wings

# From an angel

# Now we're wingin' it all the time

# I'm giving wings to an angel

# Always an angel

# Now we've got to learn to fly. #

We should have started working on our presentation weeks ago.

I hate leaving things to the last minute.

Word of advice - don't leave feeding a goldfish to the last minute.

They get grumpy and, man, they can guilt you out.

So, meet at the mall tomorrow, 10am. Be there or be square.

Fish, guilt, mall. Got it.

Porter!

You made me lie to everybody about working in that store.

What part of being an angel says you can do that?

It's more like a forecast.

With this job you'll have a 90% chance of being cooler by Monday.

Failed State only hires cool kids -

kids who wear scarves with t-shirts in summer.

I'll help you prepare for the interview.

Since when were you an expert on jobs?

-Got the job working with you.

-Dr Cassabi made you take it.

I say jalapeno, you say jala-peno.

I don't say jala-peno, I say jalapeno, everyone says...

Oh, he's gone.

DR CASSABI LAUGHS

I love the funnies!

That family is a circus.

I don't get it.

What's not to get? The kid is kissing his cat!

Ah, Porter, what brings you to my office this fine morning?

I'm hooking Carl up with a job. He's going to learn responsibility

-and to be cool.

-Double whammy!

I'll be there tomorrow morning,

-you should come along.

-I'll put on my walking shoes.

Those are like 5,000-year-old walking shoes.

I'll have you know these are Air Julius... as in Caesar!

Come on! It's a joke, do me the courtesy of laughing!

At least you have something to buy at the mall.

-New shoes?

-Better jokes!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, man, look at these kids!

They're on a whole different level of cool than me.

That guy's wearing a poncho and making it work.

-We don't even know if they're hiring, Porter.

-They are now.

The interview's in five. Make lots of eye contact.

They're going to think it's a staring contest.

Hi, I'd like to speak to the manager.

You're speaking to her. Is this a complaint? Because those are vests,

not defective sweaters -

you buy the sleeves separately.

Actually I'm here for my interview, here's my resume.

Interview? Those suits at head office never tell me anything.

We are under-staffed on account of today's mall fashion show,

we need someone in the stock room ASAP.

-Stock room?

-I know, it'll be a step down given your previous job

in information logistics...

Yeah, I had to get out of that game.

The logistics part was burning me out.

Tell me more.

-Well, there was logistics...

-And information.

-..And information...

I can't believe Carl didn't show up. Typical Carl!

Actually, this is anti-typical Carl.

I think you mean atypical Carl.

Where could he be anyway?

He could be stuck on those robot stairs like I was.

I was supposed to be home four hours ago!

-You got the fake money?

-Yeah.

-Wow, looks so real!

-Pretty good, huh?

That's a lot of pencil crayons and a whole lot of time.

You got the fake ID?

Yep. This one belongs to Mr Wally Fluffleburger.

Check out the picture!

-Hey, it's Shaq!

-That's why the height is 2.28 metres!

Let's see how honest people really are.

Is there something on my face?

No.

Why are you looking at me like that?

To show you how confident I am.

Point taken, you're a confident guy. You can blink now.

Thank you, my eyes were getting dry.

Can you tell me what your biggest weakness is?

Uh, biggest weakness, uh...

Boy, that's a tough question.

Bet a lot of people give you the stock answer. Ha!

Get it? Stock... Cos I'm applying for...

-So your biggest weakness is your sense of humour?

-Correctamundo.

Let's say a customer tells you a competitor has a similar product

at a lower price. What do you do?

I tell them that you can't put a dollar value on quality and service.

Usually I say the other store uses sweat-shop labour,

but I don't mind your answer.

I'm going to take a chance on you, Carl,

only because I don't have another choice.

Then I have no other choice but to say thank you.

There's only one rule here at Failed State - there is no, no.

There is no-no?

No. There is no, no.

Oh, I see, there is no, no, so only say yes.

Exactly. If you survive today, I'll hire you part time. How does that sound?

Amazing, thanks, Mum.

HE COUGHS

Did you just call me Mum?

No, I... I said thanks...

Ma'am. Ma'am. Yeah.

Just put me in the stock room.

You're standing in it.

Carl, you're dripping all over the sweaters.

Your resume didn't say that you sweat that much.

I didn't know whether to put it under special skills.

I need to you go to the fashion show - see if Franz needs anything.

Which one's Franz again?

Oh, you'll know.

Look like you got the job.

I didn't get the job yet,

but if I impress the manager today she'll hire me.

It's a good start.

Yeah. Just so you know, if I was taller I'd be leaning on you.

Young man, I'm looking for a dress for my granddaughter.

Oh well, I actually work in stock...

Mrs Crunes, it's so nice to see you again.

Mrs Crunes is one of our most loyal customers.

How can I help you today?

Well, I want this fine young man to help me find a dress.

I'd be happy to help you instead, Carl here is a little busy.

No, I want him!

He looks like such a nice well-mannered young man.

Why...

He looks like he just stepped out of the society page!

Well, Carl, you better give Mrs Crunes some help here then.

Um... Maybe you should help her instead.

When it comes to dresses I don't know...

I thought I told you - no, nos.

I mean K-N-O-W.

I'd be happy to help you.

-Thank you, dear.

-Right this way.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Right that way.

See? He took it!

Don't even touch it, it's pleather. It'll make your skin blotchy.

# Operator, operator

# Don't call me I'll call you later

# Operator, operator

# I'm just fine I'll call you later

# Why would I wanna be

# Anybody else but me?

# I'm never gonna make it

# Why would I ever be anybody else but me?

# I know I'm gonna make it

# Without a doubt I know it all about

# I'm everything I ever wanna be... #

HE BREAKS WIND

# A girl like me

# A girl like me

# A girl like me... #

OK, this is it - the only dresses you haven't looked at yet.

Oh, now, this dress is nice.

But I'm not sure about the size.

Carl, how do I look in this scarf?

Be honest. Can't you see I'm helping Mrs Crunes at the moment, sir?

My granddaughter isn't here and I'm not sure this dress would fit her.

You never know something fits until you see it on someone.

That's very true.

Young man, would you be a dear and put this dress on?

I don't...

It would be his pleasure.

-But...

-But what?

We've been waiting for ten minutes, Carl.

Yeah, hold on a moment, just zipping up.

Carl, what's taking so long in there?

How do girls do this?

Ahh!

Everything OK in there?

Yeah, I'm just excited to see how good the dress looks.

Porter, you're supposed to make me popular,

how is me looking like an idiot going to help that?

You don't look like an idiot. It suits you.

Come on, beam me home, please! Or at least give me a pair of pants.

Or swim trunks, or lederhosen!

Carl, come out here NOW, please.

Go.

Easy for you to say.

Oh, and...

That dress looks darling! Absolutely divine!

Yes, it's very now, very fresh. It just screams freshness.

Screams?

In a very quiet tasteful way. Right, Carl?

Oh, yeah, quiet screaming. It's what all the kids are doing these days.

(Ahhh!)

It's so hard to tell in this light.

We can go out into the store,

-the lighting is much brighter out there.

-What!?

Yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea.

-I really don't feel comfortable...

-Ah!

Am I hearing a no?

No.

I mean yes.

I mean... Let's go.

Time to hit the food court and score some vinegar packets.

Hold on, buddy, what you got there?

Just my wallet, sir.

Really?

What's your name, Buddy?

Alex Horatio P. Rodriguez.

I don't know what the P stands for. My mum won't tell me.

Gee! What's with this leather?

Whoever smelt it dealt it.

That's not always true.

Oh, bad news for you, this ID says Wally Fluffleburger. Thief!

No, we were just...

Are you Wally Fluffleburger?

I'm just an innocent redhead.

All right. Come on, chuckle-heads. Move it!

Hey! Hey!

I feel like I'm in the army!

Yes, this is a much better light.

Could you twirl around, dear?

You want me to twirl?

Twirl around, please.

Just tell me when to stop.

Oh yes, I love it! I'll take it.

Wonderful. You've made your first commission, Carl.

I don't want a commission, I just want my pants.

All this excitement has tired me, would you hold my purse, dear?

Sure, why not? Of course, I love it(!)

Goes perfectly with my dress...

Stop right on that moment!

Franz, hello!

Back up. Back, back, back. And again back!

I don't know whether to run in terror or jump with joy.

I feel the same way.

You have vision.

You have wonderment on my eyes, my little fashion boy.

What? Fashion boy? No, no, no, fashion victim, fashion VICTIM!

You are silly. You will close at my fashion show as my muse.

I'd be a useless muse. I'm not amusing at all!

It's not open for discussions.

Oh, I love fashion shows!

And I love you for loving them, lady of the pink frock.

I'm just a stock boy...

-But Mr Franz...

-It's just Franz, little one.

No Mr, no last name, just Franz.

OK, Franz, I don't know what you want me to do.

I don't want you to DO, I want you to BE.

You will come out at the end of my fashion show

like a lion prowling the stage.

Lion? I'm more like a lamb.

As my grand finale you will destroy all ideas of trendyness.

-Lozenge?

-Better not, I'm trying to watch my figure.

Look out, fashion boy coming through.

Hey, Mum, Carl's dressed like a girl!

-How did the job interview go, Carl?

-How do you think it went!?

Great, see you at dinner.

Hurry or all the good seats will be gone!

You didn't see that one coming, Mum, did you?

No, but with the economy the way it is,

it's best to try to hold on to your job.

Is this your office?

Yeah. I could have shared an office with the other employees,

but maybe I'd get too close to them - let my guard down.

In this business you can never trust anyone.

Never feel for anyone.

Never love anyone.

Don't you love your mum?

Yeah, what's that got to do with anything.

-You said you can never love anyone.

-Anyone who works here.

What would happen if your mum got a job at the mall?

He always like this?

-Yep! My mum's middle name is Pocahontas.

-Stop distracting me!

Let's get down to business. What kind of scam are you kids working?

Beating the switch?

Three-eyed goose?

A goose can't have three eyes!

It's a school project for business and marketing, about honesty.

What does a wallet full of fake money have to do with honesty?

It was last minute, we were scrambling.

You can watch it on the camera.

I hate that.

Little picture!

CAMERA BEEPS

Oh, fine.

Oh! So what you were doing was an assignment for school,

-videotaping everyone here at the mall.

-Exactly.

Shooting at the mall without permission...

That's violating our customers' privacy

-I'm confiscating this tape.

-But our assignment is due Monday!

Well, it's evidence now, sister.

Perhaps you should have stuck to the Bristol board and smelly markers.

I like smelly markers.

Hit the road, Pocahontas.

Move it!

How fantastic is this? This is such a coup for Failed State.

Are you excited to be Franz's finale?

Yes, I'm excited to be closing the show and wearing a dress on stage.

-Good, I'll be cheering for you in the crowd!

-Crowd?

I thought this show was just an excuse for mums to sit down!

There you are, my little catwalk butterfly.

Franz, I know you see something special in me,

-but I'm not cut out to be a model.

-You have no choice, Carl.

This is your fate.

Ooh!

It's a once-in-a-lifetime chance,

sometimes a never-in-a-lifetime chance.

Think of it this way - by making you my grand finale

I'm putting you in the spotlight.

Do you realise how popular I'll make you?

You sound like someone I know.

Claudia, you've got that dress on upside down, silly fraulein!

What are we going to do for our presentation now?

Take our camera to the dollar store

and get video proof of false advertising?

Once I got a bag of green army men from there for a dollar.

It would have been a good deal but they were all in the same pose.

Who am I kidding, Mr Nakamura wants a presentation on consumer ethics,

not lame discount toys.

You're so funny, we'll have so many laughs in Milan.

Ah! Stop doing that, man.

Just saw you talking to that model. That was cool.

She thinks I'm a goofball.

And in two minutes when I go on stage and model this dress,

-everyone will.

-When will you learn to trust me?

Be cool with the dress and everyone will be cool with you.

I don't know how to be a model, I don't know what to do!

This is an earpiece.

You'll be able to hear me on stage. Do exactly as I say.

Fashion boy! I need you on stage. Now! Come! Hither, hither.

First it was chop, chop, now it's hither, hither.

Either way, snap, snap!

Hey! You guys don't look too happy?

We were doing an experiment on honesty

and we lost our material. Carl was supposed to help.

Yeah, and he didn't even show up.

He is seriously going to drop a rung on my friendship ladder.

-How many rungs are there?

-Seven.

I only have three rungs on mine.

Friends, non-friends and aliens from outer space.

You guys don't have to worry, Carl's been working on the project all day.

-He has?

-Yeah.

He's going to be at the top of your ladder for sure.

Go check out the fashion show.

OK, let's go.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Take flight, catwalk butterfly, take flight.

LAUGHTER

-Look at Carl, he's on stage!

-In a dress!

Talk about a way to make a living...

Hey, Mum.

You're doing great, keep that up, keep that up.

You've got to work it. Loosen up.

There you go, you got it.

All right, just a little more...

Whoa!

You shouldn't sneak up on me like that!

What are you doing to Carl?

He's doing great, he's having the time of his life.

Carl is not having the time of his life!

I can't help it, Dr Cassabi.

I'm always in this positive mindset. Positive Porter.

You should call me PP for short.

Let's see how you stay positive in Carl's shoes, PP.

Ah...

No problem. In fact I'll do you one better.

Watch this.

Rarr!

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

Is that Porter?

This dress thing is catching on!

Oh, yeah!

Woo!

Whoa, whoa, Carl, take it easy! Carl!

-Carl!

-Whoa!

CRASH

Perfect! Fashion will never be the same!

Ever!

All right, all right!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

-All right, man!

-Yeah, bro!

And that's why it's not the product you want to sell,

but how you market it.

You really saved us on this one, it was way better than my idea.

That's what I do.

Great presentation, you three.

I have half a mind to go and buy a dress myself!

BELL RINGS

Love the colours, man.

Yeah, all right!

Everything turned out OK.

Yeah, and it looks like the school got a new dress code.

THEY LAUGH

Brrrr!

La-la-la!

I hear reindeer are very punctual.

Oh boy!

Oh!

That's karma for not doing what I was meant to do.

It is ridonculous.

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