One Flu Over the Talent Show Wingin' It

Being followed around by an angel all day

makes me pretty self-conscious.

I don't cramp your style, Carl.

I appreciate you think I have a style, but you shadowing me,

it's like I'm being watched by...you know.

Don't worry. It's bowling time right now.

CRASHING

Don't forget we're practising after school. Bring your best band name.

I'm still pushing for The Cheese Sandwiches.

The sandwich is named after John Montagu, fourth Earl of Sandwich.

Even I think that's a dumb name for a band.

So, er, when's your band going to play in public?

When we get a name, a singer and the ability to play our instruments.

I'm thinking by the end of college.

I just found out the most horrible news.

-Oh, no, Jane(!) Is it fish burger day in the cafeteria?

-Worse!

The school cancelled the volleyball team's trip to Nutwood High!

You won't be able to defend your Championship title!

I know! We haven't lost in 20 years.

-What happened?

-Apparently, the team's sponsor pulled out.

Mama B's pizza?! I love that place.

If I had a dollar for every slice of pizza I bought there,

-I would use that money and buy more slices.

-Great!

Why don't you come down there with me

and convince Mrs Botticelli to change her mind?

-Nah...I don't know, I'm not exactly Mr Convincing.

-Look.

Aw, look at Serge.

He's like a lonely monkey at the zoo.

Let's go cheer that monkey up.

I don't know, guys, we might end up poking a gorilla with a stick.

Volleyball means almost as much to me as basketball, football,

rugby, wrestling, soccer, baseball, soccer-baseball,

ball hockey, field hockey and badminton do.

Serge, I thought I'd let you know we're going to Mama B's.

Don't eat there. Mrs Botticelli is NOT a nice lady.

We're going to change her mind about sponsoring the volleyball team.

Are you guys serious? If you can do that, Carl,

I promise I won't be mean to you for a month.

I just can't handle losing the Co-ed Championship on my watch.

-You got it, buddy.

-Carl will take care of it.

-Wicked!

I don't know if having Serge as my friend

is going to be any better than having him as my...

Acquaintance?

BFF?

I was going to say tormentor.

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we've got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will surely conquer the world

# Hey! I've got my wings

# From an angel

# Now we're wingin' it all the time

# I'm giving wings to an angel

# Always an angel

# Now we've got to learn to fly. #

You wanted to see me, Dr Cassabi?

Ah, yes. Porter, we need to have a chat.

I don't know how to say this other than to come right out with it.

You're a double agent working for the guy downstairs?

No. Stop with the jocularity. Though his dental plan is quite tempting.

No. Last week, when you wrote your angel-in-training midterms,

you might have been exposed to the angel flu.

The angel flew over what?

No, the angel flu. F-L-U.

-Oh.

-I think it was that AIT from Greenland.

Oh! The goody-goody, with their holier-than-thous.

She's always sitting at the front.

-You know me - I'm at the back.

-That's good to know.

-Have you felt strange recently?

-Totally healthy, Dr Cassabi.

Well, if you do feel unusual, tell me right away.

Angel flu is no laughing matter.

In fact, it's a frowning matter.

Well, I feel fine, so turn that frown upside down.

I didn't know angels could get sick. Is it contagious? Can humans get it?

I better look it up.

Nope, only angels, and it's no big deal.

Just like a bad cold. Nothing a lozenge can't fix.

But a bad cough to you, an angel, could be hellatious.

See what I said there? Hellatious!

-Is that even a word?

-Either way, it's funny.

Normally, you laugh at something like that. You sure

-you don't feel sick?

-Yeah.

OK, so who's talking to Mrs Botticelli?

-BOTH:

-You.

You guys decided this before we got here.

-Old ladies like you.

-Not just old ladies.

-Thank you.

-Babies and animals too.

-Especially baby animals. Entire litters.

-Herds.

-And flocks.

-OK. I get it. Thank you. Can you guys soften her up at least?

-You got it. Let's go.

-Ooh! Just one second.

OK, listen. No angel hocus pocus, all right?

Why not? You want to be a hero, right? Here's your chance.

I want to do it without your help,

because from my experience, your help is anything but.

By anything but, I mean a big pain in the butt,

but that butt's with two Ts. I'm saying butt way too much.

Yeah, a little.

But hey, if that's how you want it, I will not interfere.

Thank you.

Jane, come on, let's do this.

Can I help you guys?

-Oh, they're not with me.

-Yeah, we're on our own.

-And we'd like to order some pizza.

-That's what we sell here.

-Can we get a slice of pepperoni?

-Two slices coming up.

-Just one.

-We're going to split it.

-Beverage?

-No.

-No drink?

-Some garlic bread?

-One slice is all we can afford.

Let's see the cash, make sure you big spenders are good for it.

Ahem...ah, excuse me, can I talk to Mrs Botticelli, please?

-Sure. You just have to take a trip. To Florida.

-Huh?

Mrs Botticelli is retired. She sold this place to me.

So you're in charge?

No, I hired that kid over there to boss me around.

You hired Spencer? That's a bizarre thing to do.

He was being sarcastic, Jane.

-I wouldn't dream of it!

-Sarcasm again, right?

You catch on quick.

-You spilled something on your shirt.

-More sarcasm.

-No, it's terrible.

Uh! I love this shirt!

Listen, Mrs Botticelli used to sponsor

the Bennett High School volleyball team,

-and it would be great if...

-Don't care.

What?

I don't care about some lame high-school volleyball team.

As far as I'm concerned, you kids are a bunch of cheapskates.

This place is going to cater to a more upscale clientele,

the kind who order toppings like artichoke and goat cheese.

Um...

That suits me and my school perfectly.

We are going upscale too, as you can see...

You were just wearing a...

Porter! Huh!

-What the...?

-So, what do you say, partner?

This is not right.

Mama B's could really score big by sponsoring us.

I got to stop working these double shifts.

I think I'm losing it!

Way to go, man(!)

It's about time! You just scared off the sponsor too.

Sorry. This has never happened with my magic before.

So, fellas, did he change his mind?

We changed a lot of things, but his mind was not one of them.

How are we going to get enough money

to send the volleyball team to the Championships? This is terrible.

Yeah, for me. Serge said he'd ignore me for a month

if we raised some funds.

We'll raise some funds. We just do a fundrasier.

Great idea, Porter.

What kind of fundraiser?

-Uh...maybe we could do a bake sale?

-How about a car wash?

A magazine drive?

No. No, no, no. I've got it.

A talent show! It's perfect when you think about it.

-You don't even have to think about it.

-Exactly.

Every parent will pay money to watch their kids perform,

-no matter how much the kid stinks.

-Talent show it is.

A...a...atchoo!

-Carl's organising a talent show.

-That's great, honey.

You can count on us being there. Right, Becky?

I'll check my planner. I'm washing my dolls' hair then.

We're hoping to send the volleyball team to the championships.

Aren't they sponsored by Mama B's Pizza?

-Used to be. How did you know?

-Every time I leave a game, I crave pizza.

Then I realised - pizza logo on the uniforms.

I hope you're not thinking of entering your band in the show.

Course not. We don't have a singer and we're not that good.

I heard you practising and you weren't half bad.

We're a garage band - we're good in the garage.

-Everywhere else, we should be banned.

-You're a good guitarist

and I think your band totally rocks.

-We settled on a name.

-Not The Cheese Sandwiches?

No. That got voted down.

-We're called the Casadias.

-So Spanish cheese sandwiches?

You know what? It got voted in three to one.

-A...

-No!

Er...trying to avoid the spread of germs.

We learned it in health class.

OK...

Well, I think it's safe to say they're in the show.

BURPING: A, B, C, D,

E, F, G...

# I've got a job now I make my mom proud

# I'm going to make her think I'm doing it

# Full of myself I'm in good health

# I make it up as I'm going down

# La la la la-ah

# La la la la-ah

# Got to see this through

# And live a life of modern

# So I go far down

# I've got a job now I make my mom proud

# I'm going to make her think I'm doing it

# Full of myself I'm in good health

# I make it up as I'm going down

THEY CHEER

BURPING: H, I, J, K, L, M, N...

Kenneth, you should have seen my harp audition. Oh, man!

Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom!

Vro-o-o-o-om

Oh, man, I blew them away!

I am a shoe-in for sure.

I don't understand why I can't audition. My harmonica playing

-would blow you all out of the water.

-Why is this always about you?

-I don't know.

-We've been over this a thousand times.

You are a racoon minion

and racoon minions don't enter high school talent shows.

Just like I didn't let you help build the pyramids,

model for Leonardo da Vinci,

-or enter Marco Polo's hot-dog-eating contest.

-I'd have won that

had I not been allergic to mustard!

-Can I do that stuff when I get my promotion?

-What promotion?

You've been my minion since the dawn of time.

Sure, there's no room for advancement but you've got job security

and all the garbage you could eat.

Where did you get the idea you were getting a promotion?

I thought you mentioned it on that boat with the Vikings.

No, I said, "You're making a commotion".

Oh. Well at least I still have my music.

HE PLAYS HARMONICA

Yeah. Yes, you have that.

Here it is, everyone. The official line-up of the talent show.

Excuse me. Coming through, pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me.

Hallelujah!

For celebrating talent in such a fine way.

I can't believe I didn't get in.

Hey, dweebus, why isn't my name on the list?

Is it because I only got to N?

No, no, Serge. Your burping of the alphabet was truly masterful,

but we...need to keep you nice and rested for the championship.

Oh, good thinking, squirt. Can't afford to have these playing tired.

Oh, hey. Congrats on getting into the talent show. We loved your song.

-Cool. Yeah. It's too bad we can't do it.

-What?

-What do you mean?

-Our band just got asked to go on tour.

Cross country. Sorry, it's a big opportunity we can't pass up.

It's high school volleyball, man - important stuff!

We'll send you a postcard.

(A postcard.)

What are we going to do? They were supposed to close the show.

-SUPPOSED to?

-The rock band cancelled.

-Cancelled?! They were our headliner!

-What about the juggler?

-One ball isn't juggling - it's throwing.

You know what? Don't worry. I've got a better band.

Great! Oh, man, I'm relieved. I was really stressing out there.

Yeah. Your band. Carl.

What?! No. Porter, come here.

Look, the Casadias cannot play in a talent show.

What do you mean? Last night you said they were really good.

I was talking about my dinner! We don't have a singer.

-No problem, I can do it.

-You can sing?

I'm an angel, we're all in a choir.

-This is rock'n'roll.

-That choir is full of rock legends.

All right. But if we're to pull this off, we need to practise!

A lot! I totally rule out sleep from now till then.

Don't worry. It'll all be fine.

I hope so.

Atchoo!

Bless you. Ha - I just blessed you. That's funny.

-Sit further back, Mom. What are you thinking?

-Sorry, honey.

We were just so excited.

SHE MOUTHS

-Hey, how's it going?

-Meh.

-What does that mean?

We're doing OK. Not horrible, not great, could be better, just OK.

-And that sound you made means all that?

-Mm.

You know what I say to that?

Hm...

Hm... Ha... I don't know.

# I'm going to run so far, so far

# I'm going to run so far, so far

# That you're going to need your car to find me

# And when you get there

# You're going to run out of gasoline

# Gaso, gaso, gaso. #

APPLAUSE

-Man, she's good.

-No, she's not. She can barely carry a tune.

She sure is pretty, though.

Let's go out front, in case anyone wants my autograph.

# I'm going to build you a house out of words

# And furnish it with lots of pretty words

# You'll see that you're my only and, watch, never lonely

# I promise you the nicest things you've heard

# And you'll say ooh, don't promise me a thing... #

ROUGHLY: Hey, guys. Let's do this.

What happened to your voice? It's fine.

Let's hear you sing something.

ROUGHLY: # This little light of mine

# I'm going to let it shine

-It sounds like the cats in my neighbourhood.

-All right, Alex.

-Go get the rest of the band.

-Are we making a run for it?

-Just do it. I'll figure something out.

-Porter, there you are.

-Hey, Dr Cassabi.

-Oh, my goodness. You've got the angel flu.

My, my, my, your temperature must be above 160.

How is that possible?

-Angels run a little warmer than humans.

-Will he be OK?

If we get him help right away. I'm getting a doctor.

-I thought you WERE a doctor.

-It's more of an honorary degree.

I know. Dr Norman Bathoon is on call.

-Why does this stuff always happen to me?

-I'm the one with the flu!

Yeah? And I'm the one without a singer!

Don't worry about it. This is what we'll do. You're going to sing.

How is that a "this is what WE'RE going to do"?

It's a "this is what I'M going to do",

But I'm not going to because I can't sing -

-my voice is worse than yours is now!

-It'll be fine.

I'll help you with my angel magic.

Then why not just zap yourself?

Angels can't use their powers on themselves.

..my pleasure to introduce to you

the final act of the night. So let's give a big Bennett High welcome to

The Casadias!

APPLAUSE

Hey, Carl. Rock'n'roll!

I'll come up with you.

Come on. You know the song as well as I do.

OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Er...hi.

Psst.

-Can't you see that I'm on stage?

-We haven't raised enough money.

So I'm going on stage to humiliate myself for nothing.

Not for nothing, just a lot less money that we needed.

I know most of you were expecting Porter to sing tonight...

-Yeah!

-All right!

-Go, Porter!

..but Porter is feeling a little bit underwear. I mean under the weather.

So I'm going to be singing instead.

-Mom, he can't sing!

-I know. Maybe he'll...talk/sing.

Er... OK. Right. Here goes everything.

One, two, one, two three.

-LOW-PITCHED VOICE:

-# This little light of mine

# I'm going to let it shine

# This little light of mine

# Oh, I'm going to let it shine

-HIGHER-PITCHED VOICE:

-# This little light of mine

-# I'm going to let it shine... #

-Sounds like his voice is changing.

# Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

-RAP:

-Yo, yo, yo, yo.

Yo, this little light, yo, this little light

I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to let it shine. Aye.

HE SINGS IN FRENCH

-That's kind of cool, isn't it?

-Totally.

-COUNTRY-STYLE VOICE:

-# This little light of mine

# I'm a-going to let it shine... #

What's he doing out there?

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-# This little light of mine

# I'm going to let it shine

# Let it shine, let it shine Let it shine, let it shine

# Let it shi-i-i-ine! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You have one surprising brother.

That I do. And you've got one surprising son.

Ladies and Gentleman, Carl Montclaire and The Casadias!

We're a little short on being able

to send the volleyball team to the tournament,

so how about showing your support?

We've got to get him out of here right away.

-His magic's out of control, there's no telling what he might do.

-Yes.

Remember when you go the flu and put those rings round Saturn?

Don't remind me!

Now, let's get you to the Halo Clinic. They'll know what to do.

-You're looking a lot better.

-I feel as good as you say.

Ah, you don't look that good.

Yes, we're number one!

-I'd like to think we ALL deserve to have our names on that trophy.

-Yeah.

You can put my name on the masking tape hanging from the bottom.

Hey, little songbird.

You got one month, Montclaire.

I really hope I don't have to wear this the whole time.

Hey, it might be a collector's item someday.

-Yay, Dylan! I mean... Carter.

-Carl.

-I mean Carl.

-I don't know. I'm not exactly Mrs Convincing.

-Mrs?!

Pzzt! That's comedy! That's comedy.

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