Cheer Me Up Wingin' It

Mr Dalby's bringing in his ant farm to science class today.

He's probably trying to show off. You know, impress the kids.

Ant farm impresses you, Alex?

I'm impressionable but I don't know why they call it an ant farm.

-It's not like it grows anything.

-It grows tiny corn.

Out of the way! Twisted ankle coming through!

OK, listen up, everybody!

Because Julie can't stick a landing without twisting her ankle,

a spot has opened up on the cheer squad. Try-outs are at lunch,

if you're not serious, don't waste my time.

A spot on the cheer squad? That's an instant shortcut to popularity.

Tell me about it. They're the taste-makers of cool.

I'm so done with this juice.

-So, I take it you want to be on the cheer squad?

-No way, no how, no way.

-Did I mention no way?

-You've got the cheer bug.

# No way, no how No way, no how, no way! #

Yeah, you're like the Cheer-inator.

You've convinced me I don't want to be on the cheer squad.

Besides, I'm not interested in getting mixed up

in cheerleading backroom politics and in-fighting.

I've got to get to class now.

Wait up! I was following you cos I don't know where I'm going.

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we've got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will surely conquer the world...

# Hey!

# I got my wings from an angel

# Now we're winging it all the time

# I'm giving wings to an angel

# Wings of an angel...

# Now we've gotta learn to fly. #

Hey, Carl, great audition today.

Giving us a DVD on account of having a dentist appointment,

-that's commitment.

-Audition? DVD?!

Look at him go! He MUST be double-jointed.

Maybe it will say on the bonus features.

-Porter!

-You're on the squad, Montclaire.

Practice is at 6.30am. Maintain a B average to stay on the squad

-and you're good to go.

-I'm flattered that you want me but...

I don't know what's in store this year but I'm scared.

Basketball semi-finals are coming up and between me and you,

the squad is a mess.

So, what do you say?

No problem.

Hey, Jane. Are you OK? You look like you haven't slept in days.

-That's because I haven't!

-Easy on the surround sound!

Sorry, it's just that I'm dealing with a major crisis here.

-Oh, I get it, overdue book report.

-No!

-Good book?

-The best I ever read.

Only someone ripped the final chapter out.

I've gone to every library, bookstore and website I can,

looking for a copy. Seems I have the only copy in existence!

-You took the book out the library?

-Right.

So use the book's checkout card to see who took it out last.

Of course! I'll use the loan history

to see who ripped out the final chapter.

Plus you'll get a juicy mystery to solve.

And what's life without mystery... or juice?

Alex, your name is on the loan card.

Did you rip the final chapter out of Cosmonaut Claire?

Because you can go to jail for defacing a book.

I wouldn't rip a book - I might get a paper cut.

Well, then, I guess my search continues.

Know how I think the book ends?

Cosmonaut Claire defeats the Martians

but gets double-crossed by Bruce the space pirate.

Oh, the Stern sisters - they're next on my list.

Porter! Why would you use your angel magic

to conjure up that cheer audition DVD? I can't do those moves!

You can now...

Ow-oo wa!

I don't want to be able to do those moves, Porter.

I don't want any of this.

My job is to make you popular. I'm just trying to earn my wings.

Carl! Come say hi to the gang.

So you swear you didn't rip the final chapter out?

Is that a no, you didn't rip out the chapter,

or a no, you won't swear you didn't?

I'm going to say that's a yes on the rip and a no on the swear.

This is where you sit now, Carl.

-Whoa. Corner table. Hi.

-Cheer squad, meet Carl.

Oh, my gosh, we're so excited to have you.

Ah, I could get used to this.

Wa-oooh!

Are you excited? You MUST be excited.

My cartwheels feel a little wobbly today.

Your cartwheels are your strength.

Your handsprings are what you need to work on. Right?

Oh, yes, my cheerleaders.

They make me the Magic Man, pulling jump shots out of the hat.

Five, six, seven, eight...

ALL: Magic Man, he's our man, if he can't score, no-one can!

You're like having six singing rabbit's feet. That's a compliment.

Oh, Britney, there was an idea for a cheer I had

that I wanted to run by you.

Carl, that sounds so awesome and super-fun(!)

But I am the captain of the squad, OK? I come up with the cheers.

Oh, I just thought...

Let me do the thinking around here, OK? I'm the big cheese.

That's fine, I got no problem being the small cheese, or...

no cheese at all. I could be like an olive or a garnish...

I'm just happy to be on the platter.

Don't forget that and everything will be fine.

I'm sorry, that last chapter was missing when I read it,

but I think that Cosmonaut Claire

ends up on the complex on Mars

in the arms of space pirate Bruce.

At least, that's how I dream of it ending.

Do you want to see my space pirate tattoo?

That's OK!

-OK.

-Thanks for the hypothesis, Mrs Lennox.

-Oh, sure!

Dr Cassabi!

You're my last hope.

Sounds serious.

Remember, I'm a guidance counsellor, my powers are limited.

The best I could do is get you a helpful pamphlet.

-You signed this book out, didn't you?

-Cosmonaut Claire.

Oh, why, indeed I did.

Dr Cassabi, the boss is ready for you.

Oh. You go ahead.

Cosmonaut Claire has to get out of the caverns of Sidonia.

HE GASPS

To think someone would rip up a book and ruin the enjoyment for everyone!

We'll never find out the ending!

You know how I'd like it to have ended?

Cosmonaut Claire transcends her body

and becomes a space butterfly made of pure light and sound.

I hear they travel on solar winds...

Outside of tracking down the author, PH Whitelaw, we'll never know.

That's going to be impossible - she's supposedly terribly mysterious.

Another dead end! I've run out of dead ends!

Oh, no, you haven't.

That's it, all right.

Come on, hustle back.

Ready? OK!

CHEERING

What are you doing?

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

Awesome cheering, Carl, you put Serge over the top.

We're going to the finals!

Hey, thanks for the assistance on the cheers.

Hey, good moves out there, Montclaire.

Totally put the Magic Man in the zone.

You went nine for 11, which is 82% better than usual.

What you just said sounds number-y. Like a sports-caster doing stats!

Carl! My cheer squad juggernaut.

A good leader makes everyone better, that's what you did.

Next year you could be captain.

Captain?

OK, boys, let's go!

Good gravy, is that a portable telephoning device?

Yes. Lose the cellphone.

It's like in my first novel, of course,

I didn't call it a cellphone, but a short-wave vocalator...

Oh, what a wondrous future world this is.

-Where are the jet-packs?

-Shhh!

You've got to keep it down, Mrs Whitelaw.

I know being here is strange,

but you can't let on that you've been...upstairs for a long time.

Understood. I shall act as a woman of the year 2055.

You might want to dial it back a few decades.

Come this way, I'd like you to meet someone.

Mrs Carter, I don't have a test.

Alex...?

Also, I lost my pencil.

It's behind your ear, Alex.

And my eraser?

Try your other ear.

OK, begin.

Dr Cassabi, I'd rather be left alone, so can...

You're...PH Whitelaw!

You look just like you do in the photo.

-I certainly hope so!

-Oh, Mrs Whitelaw!

It's such an honour! I'm a huge fan.

Your book Cosmonaut Claire changed my life.

Oh, why, thank you, my dear...

Jane, Jane Casey. Dr Cassabi, how did you find Mrs Whitelaw?

Uh... Well, we game online together.

-So, Mrs Whitelaw, how does Cosmonaut Claire end?

-About that...

Actually, hold that ending.

I've got about 20 other people who want to know as badly as me.

I'm going to host a reading

of the final chapter of Cosmonaut Claire. Is that OK?

-I suppose, but...

-Great!

-Got to go!

-No, Jane, wait a minute...

What's wrong, PH? Afraid of a little public speaking?

What's wrong, Dr Cassabi, is the ending of Cosmonaut Claire.

In that there isn't one.

All right, class, pencils down.

Please make sure your names are on your tests

and hand them in on your way out.

Hey, Alex, Mrs Carter was telling me

they found this allosaurus fossil in Iceland, that sounds cool.

What? That's completely non-factual.

You'd better go set her straight.

Mrs Carter, the allosaurus was indigenous to western North America

during the late Jurassic period.

Your statement is factually wrong. They're not found there.

Not Iceland, never Iceland.

I'm disappointed in your professionalism.

Alex...I'm a maths teacher.

Mrs Whitelaw, are you as excited as I am about the reading?

About that, Jane, Mrs Whitelaw has something to tell you.

Yes, I do. Cosmonaut Claire has no final chapter.

No true ending, anyway.

Come again?

I didn't know how to end Cosmonaut Claire,

so when the publisher asked for the manuscript

I stuck a slap-dash conclusion on and mailed it away.

What sort of conclusion?

There's a big explosion, bright light, another explosion,

not quite so bright a light,

the end.

Later, I was so ashamed I tracked down every single copy

and ripped out the last chapter.

Guess you could call that a book tear. Get it?!

Like a book tour but a book tear! Rip!

-Told you she wouldn't laugh at it.

-But I wanted to try.

What about your fans? We're going to let them down.

You're a bright, imaginative girl.

Why don't you make up your own ending and read it?

-But it's PH Whitelaw's story.

-No, it's everybody's story.

It's the world's story. Give the fans the ending they want.

The ending I couldn't write. You have my blessing.

OK, cosmonauts, prepare to take off! OK?

Jane, you can...take the bridge.

Montclaire, I just heard from Mrs Carter, you got a D on the math test.

If you needed help studying, you should have asked. I tutor hard.

That's impossible, that test was on averages. I'm the best at averages.

It's possible, in fact, it's actual.

You no longer have a B average, you are suspended from the cheer squad.

No way, no how.

-Yes way, yes how. You have cheered your last cheer.

-Oh...

Don't cry, hopes and dreams get crushed all the time.

-It's not that, you're standing on my foot.

-Oh! I'm sorry.

Get your hands up, come on!

Who rules?

ALL: Britney rules.

Get back, get back, close it up!

Pass the ball, come on.

Fellas, let's go!

Serge, warm up. You're going back in the game.

But Coach, I've lost my touch. The Magic Man is now the Tragic Man.

Serge, the true test of an athlete

is not how they play when they're having a good day,

it's how they play when they're having a bad day.

Coach, if they're having a bad day then they're playing badly.

Get, just get.

Porter, can't you... You know?

It's not every day I get to lose. No tricks, no magic, just skills.

Well, you'll feel really guilty when they lose.

I know! I've never felt guilt before!

Hello, everyone. Thanks for coming.

-So, I have some news...

-Where's that Whitelaw woman?

Uh, OK, OK, about that...

She couldn't make this afternoon.

You know how reclusive she is.

But I did talk to her and she told me what the ending was,

and, believe me, it is just as good as we were all hoping.

So, here we go.

The final chapter.

The winds of Mars gust violently.

Cosmonaut Claire and the space pirate Bruce push their way

towards the Sidonian complex, step by step.

SHE IMITATES FOOTSTEPS

Serge is missing his odds to win.

Numbers like this put him at 25% on his daily shooting percentage.

His mean average will teeter at 37%.

Amazing, Carl.

What puzzles me is how someone so good at sport statistics

can fail a test on averages.

I'm puzzled. I thought I aced your test.

Look at this.

Wrong! Wrong! Not even close.

Apple? How do you manage to answer a maths question - apple?

No, no, this isn't my test. I don't dot the I with a little heart.

Britney!

Right, that question's 45%, the mean average here is 77.

The bonus question's (first carry the five). Two slices of pie.

-Type doesn't matter but I like rhubarb.

-Me too. Amazing!

Someone must've switched your test. I'll fix this.

Thank you, Mrs Carter.

Montclaire, you're reinstated.

You can't do that, coach, it's not fair.

-Why, would it be cheating(?)

-What is that supposed to mean, Carl?

Who cares, we're getting creamed. Montclaire, make me proud.

I'll give it 110%, coach.

That is 110%!

All right, Carl, we got the time out, let's bring the magic back.

Carl?

-GASPS

-It's Montclaire.

Time to put Carl over the top.

Five, six, seven, eight...

When I say go you say fight!

When I say win you say tonight!

Go - fight,

Go - fight! Win - tonight!

Ha! Now let's do the bear claw.

-Raaa-aar!

-Let's go, Bears!

CHEERING

Yeah! Whoo!

COACH: One more, one more!

CHEERING Yes!

Magic Man is alive again!

Oh, yeah.

-On defence, on defence!

-That's right.

CHEERING

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING

COACH: Way to hustle!

That's what I'm talking about! Serge!

Woo!

Kerpow! Get to the spaceship!

-Stankovic, we need reinforcements!

-'Get down.'

Me get down? You get down.

ZAPPING NOISES

I can see you walking down that launching pad, Claire...

Ah! Darn it, Claire!

Don't you die on me.

Don't you die on me!

SOBS

And if you're ever in Sector 2A14,

you've got a futon to crash on. Kerpow.

The end...

I knew Claire would get double-crossed by the space pirate.

I knew she'd survive her death by turning into a space butterfly.

-Why didn't I think of that?

-Great job, Jane.

Thanks, Dr Cassabi, I couldn't have done it without you.

Bang up job, Jane. It's amazing how it satisfied all our wishes!

I guess PH Whitelaw knows her readers.

I always hoped for a sequel to Cosmonaut Claire,

it's such a pity PH Whitelaw died 25 years ago.

ZAP!

Wha...? Where did she go?!

Ah... She had to catch her bus.

She only travels by bus and it was that time!

Dr Cassabi, what was she?

-Excuse me?

-PH Whitelaw.

I know she's dead - was she an actor, some guidance counsellor?

Oh, no, that was PH Whitelaw... ah... Junior. Her daughter.

She looked an awful lot like the picture on the back of the book.

Yeah, she did, didn't she? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

-HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-Ahem.

Well, the idea was to inspire you. Whether it was her or her daughter.

I think you're capable of great things, Jane.

All you needed was the opportunity to see it for yourself.

-Gee, thanks, Dr Cassabi.

-Good job.

What do you want now, Carl, to upstage how I sulk on a bench?

-I know it was you that switched my test.

-It was a horrible thing to do!

-If you want to turn me in, I'll understand.

-I'm not going to.

OMG, thanks, girl. How about you as my new co-captain?

-We could rule the cheer squad for ever.

-I have to say no.

I'm just not cut out for the world of cheerleading.

The deception, the politics, the constant social battles...

No! I can help you with that...

Oh...you don't like it.

I guess you're not the type to fight up the social ladder.

-I like to think of it more as a pyramid.

-I make the jokes!

Sorry, captain.

-So that's that, huh?

-That's that, Porter.

Whoa! Did you see that?!

No magic!

Are you sure? I saw a little nod.

-Oh, come on, you saw, that was perfect.

-Lies!

-It was like an NBA shot.

-You wish!

-I could get money dollars for that.

-Whatever.

-Come on...

THEY LAUGH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

Not so quite... bright a light...

Boom... Brvoooo...

Oh, but if you ask me, I think the ending...

Whoa! Did you see that?! No magic.

So long!