Porter Jackson Can't Lose Wingin' It

-That's why fish bowls are illegal in Italy.

-Oh, you know,

it's so nice having you over for dinner, Jane.

You bring delightful conversation.

And we DON'T bring delightful conversation?!

How is everybody's chicken?

I have to admit I have another reason for coming,

aside from your potatoes.

I'm running for president in the school election

and I've decided who I want to be my vice president.

I think you'd be great, Porter.

Oh, no offence, Porter, but I want Carl. Will you be my running mate?

What?

I can't believe a girl wants to run WITH Carl instead of AWAY from him.

-I think it's a great idea.

-Me too.

Your great-grandfather was a politician. Carl, Becky,

you have man-of-the-people blood in your veins.

Man, he always looks so serious.

Besides, it's just vice president,

I'll be doing all the heavy lifting.

I would vote for you.

So, what do you say? Casey-Montclaire ticket?

Yeah, let's do it.

-Awesome!

-Who wants dessert? It's key lime pie.

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we've got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will surely conquer the world

# Hey! I've got my wings

# From an angel

# Now we're wingin' it all the time

# I'm giving wings to an angel

# Always an angel

# Now we've got to learn to fly. #

-Is it straight?

-Looks good to me.

You guys are running for election?

But you're not popular enough to win.

It's not a popularity contest, Britney.

Please, only the unpopular people say that.

Carl's right, the student body is smart and aware.

They don't care about popularity, they care about the issues.

And what are your issues?

-Not counting that you wear mom jeans.

-Very funny.

For starters, we're going to cut funding to the Ski Club.

What? That's my favourite club.

If there's no club, where will I get my hot chocolate?

You guys spend more than the other clubs -

that virtual-reality ski machine for off season?

Ooh, you're doing level seven again?

Here comes the big jump.

Unh! Oh, ho-ho!

Yes, we 100% need it. Without it our ski muscles would atrophy.

We think that money should go to underfunded clubs -

the Origami Club and High-five Society.

-Good luck with that.

-So how's the campaign going?

I think we just lost the popular vote.

It's fine, we're going to win on the issues.

We beat Terendale High.

Winning's good, but beating Terendale High feels gooder.

We showed that stupid tiger mascot who's boss of the jungle.

Jane for president and Carl for...

what's a vhe-puh?

That's not even a word.

The two of you don't even have a hope.

Hey, Porter, high-five.

-Oh!

-Oh!

Mrs Lennox, I'm so sorry.

My glasses, I'm legally blind without them.

Oh, thank you, Dr Cassabi. What a gentleman.

Think nothing of it. My fault, my head was in the clouds.

These are alphabetised. How did you do it so fast?

Um... Well, it's something of a hobby of mine.

You could call me a man of letters.

Oh! You could call me a lady of the alphabet.

Well, now I know YOUR ABCs.

There's the future VP of Bennett High.

Hiding in the Oval classroom?

I'm folding brochures.

-Shouldn't you be out meeting the voters?

-It's not that easy.

I mean, everyone wants something different -

some want fish burgers in the cafeteria twice a week

and some want fish burgers banned for ever.

Now you can go both ways - it's a psychic campaign button.

Whoever looks at it'll see the promise that gets their vote.

So, the more-fish-burger people

will see that Jane and I are for fish burgers,

and the ban-fish-bigger people

will see that Jane and I are against them?

-Exactamundo.

-Oh, cool. What campaign promise are you seeing?

"I promise to become hugely popular,

"so Porter can finally get his angel wings."

-Anything else to help us win?

-I don't know. How about a...

Booya!

-If Jane asks, you know someone at the copy shop, right?

-Yeah.

Oh, Carl, just the man I was looking for.

You seem to be on good terms with Dr Cassabi,

-do you mind delivering him this note?

-Yeah, sure.

-I do want to represent the people.

-Thank you.

Wow! That's a fancy campaign button you've got there, young man.

"If elected, I promise to make a pin-up calendar

"of Dr Cassabi dressed as a fireman." You've got my vote.

Oh.

Oh!

OH!

-She has the hots for you, doesn't she?

-How can you tell?

Usually when a girl hands you a note it means she likes you.

Not that I'd know from experience,

but it happens to Porter all the time.

# Cassabi and Lennox sitting in a tree

# K-I-S-S-I... #

Dennis!

Get out.

-You heard him.

-You!

-Oh, OK.

Oh, it's even scented.

-Girl for VP!

-Vote for Jane!

"If elected, we're going to beat Terendale High

"back to the Stone Age."

Count me in - their mascot is the worst.

This is bogus, Serge. Those nerds Jane and Carl

are going to ruin the Ski Club if they're elected.

"Fountains of Gobsmack juice?" Count on my vote.

We should run against Jane and Carl in the election.

No, student council is too much work,

but we can't let them destroy the Ski Club.

-Jane for president, vote for us!

-Vote for the issues!

We need to nominate ANOTHER popular kid to run for president.

And I think our candidate just walked by.

Ohh!

Who are we talking about?

-Porter.

-Right, yeah.

I can't believe it. You're running against us, Porter?

I had nothing to do with this, honest.

Did these things magically appear?

(Did they?) Vote for Porter Jackson right here.

RAPS: # Porter Jackson, he's our man

# If he can't do... #

I'm not even finishing because he can do it.

This is your handiwork. You put Porter against us

just because we want to cut funding to the Ski Club.

If you play with fire, you're going to get burned, Jane.

And we're the fireplace. You guys are the logs

and tinder and the pieces of paper you...light it with.

I don't want to run for president.

Hey, I didn't want to be popular.

This is a mockery of the electoral process.

Don't be such a sore loser, losers.

And why does your button say, "Serge Rules?"

It says, "Carl's for the Ski Club."

-This guy is a total flake.

-Let's go.

This isn't a good situation, Porter. Not good.

I'll take care of this, Porter always knows what he's doing.

-Since when?

-That's what I read on your button.

-Principle Malone.

-Hello...

# P-P-Porter. #

I'd like my name withdrawn from the election. People nominated me

because they thought I'd like it...

So, nominated by the people, Porter - the ultimate complement.

You do realise official withdrawal requires written notification.

It does? Oh, yeah, of course it does.

There you go.

-So you except my official withdrawal, right?

-Nope.

A lot of students look up to you, Porter. What will they think?

Winners never quit, quitters never win.

No, I can't let you drop out, sends the wrong message.

So if you can't drop out of the election,

you'll just have to tank it.

I should probably change my cool factor pronto, right?

Ah, yeah. Sure, no problem(!)

BUT that's easier said than done.

# Ta-da! #

How's this for starters?

Now, this is how you throw an election.

Nerd alert! If I wasn't such a nice guy, I'd probably give you a wedgie.

Yeah, I know. I kind of feel like reformatting my hard drive. See?

This outfit is totally not cool.

Get ready for math class!

-Dr Cassabi? Fancy meeting you here.

-Yes, what are the chances?

If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were avoiding me.

-Me?

-Yes, earlier today when I saw you going into your office,

I went in after you and you were gone, poof!

-As if you'd vanished!

-Vanished, me?

What do you say, you and me?

We go out for something to eat after school?

You are married, MRS Lennox.

Oh, the "Mrs", it's just to keep the single teachers from asking me out.

What do you say?

I take your silence as a "yes". It's a date.

It's a date!

MRS LENNOX GIGGLES

OK! How about this? Maybe the best way to stop

Mrs Lennox from liking you is to make sure your date is a disaster.

Are you suggesting I throw the date?

That's brilliant, but I'll need your help, Dennis, after all,

disasters are your stock-in-trade.

You invite her to the pizzeria.

-I'll be there in stealth mode to coach you.

-Perfect, then what?

You start the date from H-E double hockey sticks.

DENNIS CACKLES

Porter, your nerd manoeuvre totally backfired on me

and everyone's talking about your look, they call it "dweeb chic".

I knew I could never make myself un-cool.

They're a bunch of lemmings.

OK, plan C. It's time to put the final nail in the coffin.

Everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make.

I want to present to you my vice-presidential running mate...

..Alex.

What election is this?

CHEERING

Nail in the coffin, huh? More like icing on his victory cake.

-How do I look?

-Like an A1 loser.

Now, let me feed you lines and this date will go down in no time.

Oh, hi, Alice.

Oh! Dr Cassabi, hi.

You look different. And you smell different too, is that a new cologne?

Sniff your armpits.

Um... Nope, that's Cassabi au naturale.

-With a dash of eau de raccoon.

-Ssh!

-Shall we order?

Already have, extra large meat lovers, heavy on the sausage,

anchovy and Armageddon Hot Sauce.

Lots of cottage cheese.

-And jujubes.

-And jujubes.

It's not what I usually order but I'm up for trying new things.

-Jujubes on pizza, I love it! Grr, love it.

-Don't worry, boss,

-I'm warming up.

-You'd better be warming up.

Oh, I am. I'm warming up to you.

No, I...

You're a lot different than at school.

I guess you don't like me as much now?

I like you even more. You're a bad boy.

-Now what?

-I don't know.

-Who are you talking to?

-Nobody, just another one of my annoying habits.

You know I like to bite my nails, I walk in my sleep, I love to yodel.

Oh... # Yodel-a-ee-oo! #

Check, please.

Everything you're doing isn't working, Porter.

-All right, it's time for Plan D.

-D better not stand for Dutch -

-everyone will be eating Gouda and wearing wooden shoes.

-Watch this.

See what the twins have to say about that.

-I wish I could do that face.

-Love the new slogan, Porter,

you're going to be the first slacker president.

It's ironical and ironicalness is cool.

All right, time for Plan Q.

Plan Q, what about the letters in between?

I don't want to bother with those,

especially plan I, which involves a lizard and a sombrero.

All right, free pizza, everybody!

Grab a box! First come, first served!

-Buying votes, how low can you go?

-This is to help you win.

-Voters love free stuff, especially free food.

-Sweet!

We students will not be bought with food.

Or anything else for that matter.

Porter Jackson would never bribe the people.

This pizza is delicious, but it sucks. Vote for Porter Jackson.

I don't care what you say, Carl, Porter's trying to win.

All right, you've got a plan W, right?

Epsilon, Operation Sea Lion...

Should I give you the run-down of plan I?

I've got the sombrero and the lizard's standing by.

How small is the sombrero?

You should ask, "How big is the lizard?"

We're SO doomed.

Smoochies from Mrs Lennox. Oh, boy.

I can smell that fruit basket from two streets over.

If Mrs Lennox pursues me like this,

she'll compromise my cover story at the school.

I'll have to be transferred to a different AIT.

-Well, we'll miss you around here.

-You know you're going with me.

I just figured out where the dumpsters are

and what about Carl and Porter?

You think some other angel is going to bail them out like you do?

You know, you're right.

I have to tell Mrs Lennox I'm just not interested.

I can't spare her feelings and do my job.

You just have to face it, boss, you're too irresistible.

My gift, my curse.

Time to go break her heart.

People of Bennett High. When it comes to the fish-burger issue,

I know you're angry. I'm angry. But we'll form a task force and whether

you're for fish burgers or against fish burgers, we'll have answers

and as for the Ski Club, their funding is going straight downhill.

A little joke there.

Boo! Porter rules!

LAUGHTER

I've given you the answers and now the choice is clear,

Vote Casey-Montclaire for office.

And now the vice to my president, Carl, to say a few words.

OK, well a vote for Casey and Montclaire...

Can't hear you, mumbles!

LAUGHTER

Principal Malone,

teachers, students and friends,

today we stand at the precipice of a new day at Bennett High.

A day where hope of a success of all student clubs doesn't live or die

at the expense of a ski-lift ticket.

Don't think to yourselves, "What at Bennett High do for me?"

but, "What can I do for Bennett High?"

Let our class not be divided by coolness and practicality

but be joined as one,

one union,

united under the proud yellow and the mighty blue.

CHEERING

-That was magical.

-Truly. Thanks for the assist.

Looks like Carl put us back on top WITHOUT your help, Porter.

-Good luck following that.

-At this time, let's hear from our

other vice-president nominee, Alex Rodriguez.

Porter told me to tell you all about myself, so here goes.

I like cheese.

I'm immune to poison ivy, but I haven't tested that theory.

If I put baby clothes on, I look like a giant.

You love it. Yes you do, yes you do.

Hello, Mrs Lennox.

Oh, do you need me to chew that up for you?

Oh, my, you've got a little friend...

This is your new daddy, this is Dr Cassabi, you can call him Daddy.

This is Charlemagne, my cat.

-We have to talk.

-I love talking to you.

DR CASSABI SNEEZES

Bless you. What's the matter, do you have a cold?

No, I don't, but something in this room is making me sneeze.

I certainly hope it's not Charlemagne.

My goodness, I COULD be allergic to Charlemagne.

I wouldn't even know it, I haven't spent time around cats.

Why not? Don't you like cats?

Honestly, I could take or leave them.

-This is never going to work.

-What?

-It's over.

-Don't say it!

I can't share my life with someone

who doesn't want to share it with my cats.

What a shame, I really thought we had something.

I'm breaking your heart.

It's not me, it's you.

Well, we'll always have the pizzeria.

Could you please leave?

Your sneezing is scaring Charlemagne,

and he's already had enough stress today,

and we can't have any more of his fur falling out.

I'll miss you, Mrs Lennox.

Whenever I order jujubes on my pizza, I'll think of you.

And whenever I smell raccoon...

I'll think...of you.

Bless you.

You already have.

My mom's middle name is Pocahontas.

LAUGHTER

Thanks and vote for us.

CHEERING

So, finally, let's hear from the other presidential nominee,

Porter Jackson.

Well, I, Porter Jackson,

don't want to be president.

That's all.

CHEERING

The fact that he doesn't care makes me want him to win so much more.

You know, all you care about is not caring

-so I don't care about winning.

-Don't let her trick you, she cares.

-STUDENTS BOO

-You're SO going to lose.

Boo!

All right. Please...

Well, Porter, I'd say Jane and I

aren't going to be winning this election.

I can't get these people to not like me.

I haven't heard booing like this

since we played Terendale High in soccer.

-What's this?

-The slide presentation to end all slide presentations.

Look, we're not... Oh, um... Once again, Carl.

If I can have everyone's attention for a minute?

I've been brought some disturbing news

that I think you should all hear, or should I say see?

-Give it up, Montclaire, you and Jane have lost already.

-Have we?

STUDENTS GASP

It's Porter and the Terendale Tiger!

As you can see, presidential nominee Porter Jackson

is friends with the mascot of our bitter rival, Terendale High.

Say it isn't so, you're not friends with the mascot?!

Yes, that's right. Serge, everybody, I can't tell a lie.

Terendale Tiger and I are best friends.

We've even got BFF bracelets.

If I were standing up, I would need to sit down.

You can't be the new school president now, Porter, not after this betrayal.

Tiger's not bad once you know him, he has jokes.

Listen up everyone, Porter Jackson is Carl's own cousin.

If Carl is the able to make the tough decision to bring us this

family scandal, how can you doubt that Carl and I are right to run

your student council. Make your vote count.

Let the voting begin.

Carl, I've got to follow this breaking story

before I'm too busy celebrating my presidential victory to do it.

I've got my head line now, Pres Nom BFFs with Terendale mascot.

What a day!

-So, a photo scandal, huh?

-Classic, I'm good.

I wonder who I'm going to vote for.

Oh, oh...

So, what does it say, what does it say?

Nothing.

If I put on baby clothes, I look like a giant.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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