Reality Bites Wingin' It

You know the expression "feeling under the weather"?

Who feels OVER the weather? It's in the sky. We're under it.

Attention, everybody. As you know, I've beaten many of my goals -

girl band, music videos, being the girl you love to hate.

But there's one goal that I have yet to beat, and I am going to beat it -

TV host. Hold for applause.

To be a host, don't you need something to host?

We are going to put on an online news show.

There's your answer.

So sign here - below my name, so you're all beneath me.

-A news show? That's a lofty goal, Brittany.

-"Lofty" -

I like your use of language, Porter. You'll be co-host.

-But I...

-Serge - sports.

-Oh, two words that go great together!

-Jane, need you to...

-Provide investigative journalism? You got it.

Can I be cue-card boy? I love jobs that end with "boy". Paper boy,

-dentist boy...

-Carl, what can I put you down for, besides that haircut?

Because it is heinous!

Meteorologist?

No-one cares about meteors, Carl.

-It means weatherman, Brittany.

-Carl would be a great weatherman.

Good idea, Porter. Carl, you're the weatherman.

It'll bring some...illegimidacy to the show.

My forecast - sunny with the chance of COOL!

Yeah, small chance. Less than 15%.

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we've got

# Cos if we get it right

# We will surely conquer the world

# Hey! I've got my wings from an angel

# Now we're wingin' it all the time

# I'm giving wings to an angel

# Always an angel

# Now we gotta learn to fly. #

And you're on. >

Welcome back. I'm Brittany Hansen.

Gnarly! Barf me out! Primo!

These 1980s slang words and more coming up in our top story,

entitled "What were old people saying?".

Now a word from my co-host.

I'm Porter Jackson, and coming up, I am a big goof.

-Erm, I mean...

-Let's go to Jane Casey, with Bennett High gossip.

I'm here with exclusive breaking news on Bennett High's serial smoocher.

This week, somebody has been kissing the mirrors in the girls' washroom,

leaving ugly, caked-on lip-gloss marks.

With me now is Janitor Jenkins.

Hi. I'm Janitor Jenkins of no fixed address.

Tell our viewers, how have you been cleaning up this lip feedie?

-Toilet brush.

-And what kind of toilet brush are you using?

-The one I put in the toilet.

-There you have it. Brittany?

A toilet brush?

SHE GAGS

Go to Serge!

Now an interview with Bennett High's Athlete of the Week.

How many touchdowns have you got today?

19.

Wow, 19. That's a record. Congratulations, athlete Serge.

Oh, thanks, sportscaster Serge.

And now let's go to the weather.

What have we got, Carl Montclaire, local asteroid...ololologist?

That's "meteorologist".

Whatevs. It looks like we're in

for some rad tanning weather this weekend.

-Carl?

-What?

Oh, right.

Um, the, uh, north-east is going to be having, um,

a subtropical low-pressure system coming in from, um, the south.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Just give us the short version. What kind of SPF are we looking at?

50!

Which is also the number of minutes it took Carl to tie that tie today!

Couldn't be more wrong! Who's laughing now?

Everyone, at you.

That's it. I'm Brittany Hansen,

-reminding you that I'm better than you.

-At being annoying.

-So stay pretty.

-Pretty annoying.

-See you next time.

-Annoying!

Well, I'm never doing that again.

You've got to give it one more try.

Why? If that broadcast was a weather event,

-it would have been a class four hurricane.

-No way!

-Class three.

-Brittany was making fun of me, and I was sweating so much

people thought it was raining in the studio. The show was terrible.

Great job, guys.

-What?

-Yeah, they're loving it.

-We're a hit? Not that there was any doubt.

-Everyone's talking about you and Carl.

-But mostly me, right?

-Carl, you're a star.

-I am the only star here.

-Yeah, the Big Dipper.

-You're a weatherman. You can be replaced by a window.

-You're right.

Oh, this just in - I'm out.

Whatevs.

Ooh, just got chilly in here.

See, Carl, take a look.

You have been replaced by people who don't even talk!

How?

Sunny.

Rain.

Snow.

Well, the best of luck to all of you.

So, when you're being weathergirls, it is always sunny in your minds.

-Even when it's rainy outside. OK?

-Brittany Hansen!

Steve. Steve McTeigh.

-You sound famous.

-Yeah, because I am.

My show online has a ton of hits. It is way bigger than Bennett High, OK?

Now, here's what I'm playing with, OK?

We take it to the next level. You in a reality show.

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

-Are you OK here?

-Yes.

That is my way of saying YES!

-Coolio. All right, you get your partner on board, it's a go.

-Porter?

-He'll do it.

-No, no, no, the little weather kid. Cale? Caleb? Carl! Carl.

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

Is that another yes here?

No! That is also my way of saying NO!

-I would never work with that little goblin.

-Look, no Carl, no show.

By "never" I meant

"I would LOVE to work with that little goblin"!

OK. Slammin'. We start shooting this tomorrow.

HE LAUGHS

YES! HA!

Good news, Carl. I have had a change of heart. You are back on the air.

I just used my influence to get us on a reality-TV show!

That's great, but I have no interest in doing a TV show with you.

-A-huh?

-And off of Brittany's shocked look, we...fade out.

Ooh, Carl, weatherman, superstar, BFF.

Yeah, two out of four, right?

Ooh, math! You're so smart, Carl.

Did you order a personality change?

As Carl's friend, you're smart, but Carl is smarter,

-and that's why he's going to do my reality show.

-I already told you no.

Then you've left me no choice.

Please, Carl! Please!

Pleeeeease!

Please!

Carl Montclaire! My favourite weather system. Steve McTeigh, producer.

Why are you wearing a cowboy hat?

I got that on my last show, Ponies Across the Nation.

We took a bunch of inner-city kids,

plopped them down on horses and just started riding.

Yeah, it went great, until we got to the Mississippi. Yeah...

Still a couple of horses and a bunch of kids out there.

I understand you've got some concerns about starring in your reality show.

Well, maybe this fruit basket will help change your mind.

No? Plan B.

-Look, good luck with your show.

-Uh, gentlemen?

Carl, I'm so glad this reality show's coming to Bennett High.

They're giving us a new science lab!

Perhaps now I can finally find the cure for spiky hair.

I haven't really said yes yet.

STEVE: Carl, this show needs you.

No-one else is as hilarious.

I'm hilarious?

THEY LAUGH

And your banter is off the charts. It's where banter is heading.

People are going to love to see you on your own show. >

Say yes for your public.

-Do it for Bennett High. Do it for science!

-Do it for me.

Well...

Being on a reality show would be cool.

I just have to be myself, so there'd be no pressure.

I'm only holding back because how often do four people beg you?

And they all have fruit baskets! I think I saw a guava on one of them.

-I'll do it.

-YES!

-Yes!

Let's check the beaker catalogue.

You should see the new Bunsen burners!

Oh!

-Fruit?

-Yeah! Thanks.

Hey, he took the guava!

-So, look, Mr McTeigh...

-Hey, hold that thought.

I wonder if he's calling Hollywood.

And...done! Just downloaded a hot new ringtone. OK, Carl, go.

-What's the show going to be about?

-You're just two crazy kids!

-Crazy. Check.

-Trying to make it through high school.

-Seems accurate.

And you're brother and sister.

-What?

-Done!

You got each other's backs and you get on each other's nerves.

It's going to be sensational! I call it "Sibs City!"

Brother and sister?! How is that reality TV?

You're focusing too much on the reality, not enough on the TV.

-Yeah, Carl, not enough on the TV.

-And the show starts...

now! Thank you so much for letting me be involved. Big fan.

Here we go. Action!

Who's my bro?

I am....

Real. Be real! Be more real. >

I can't be seen. I'm under an exclusive contract

as a spokesman for Gobsmack juice, Japan.

Courage. Conviction pants. Gobsmack.

Hey, little Bro! Oh, Mr Dolby is such a bore.

Kinda reminds me of that 12-hour car trip we took to see Aunt...Mark.

What car ride? Who the heck is Aunt Mark?

Carl, don't you remember any interesting stories for the camera?

Never mind. Let's dance.

-What?

-Come on, join me, Brother, like we always do!

Kids love dancing! >

Looks like you got bitten by a snake.

Brittany, snappy retort!

Snappy retort!

That doesn't make sense.

Cut! I love it. That was amaz'. I wouldn't change a thing.

Question. Can we do it one more time?

This time, make more fun of each other. Get in there.

That is what the fans want. Fact.

Jane! I need someone to host my "Sibs City!" aftershow.

You'd be commenting on the show.

I loved your Bennett Beat report on the sloppy joe crisis.

You think I'd make a good after-show host?

-Of course I do!

-And I can be Jane's co-host.

Of course you could. My people will call your people.

We don't have any people.

OK, my people will call you.

Wait, who are your people?

Actually, I don't have people. I'll, um...

Let's just assume that we're good like Gorgonzola, OK?

# Sibs, sibs, sibs... # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome to the Sibs aftershow. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm Jane. This is my co-host Denise. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks, guys. Now, let the mockery begin. How about that Brittany?

A little intense.

And Carl, he's cute, huh?

-But what a close call today.

-Classic Brittany.

-Let's go there now.

Oh. Hey, Brittany, what's up?

Goodbye. I'm running away from this place.

-Don't get everybody's hopes up.

-That hurts! I'm leaving immediately.

But we have an English test after lunch.

I don't care me nothing about no English.

I'm going where they only speak my language

and where I don't have a despicable brother to deal with.

AUDIENCE: Awww!

She was almost lost to us forever, but then, luckily,

a certain someone was able to change her mind.

# Got two sibs Watched by all the kids

# Rapidly rising Hilarious vids

# Oh-oh, here they are The stars of the show

# The snarky sis And the lovable bro. #

-Ha, "snarky sis and the lovable bro"! I like it!

-"Lovable bro"?!

-I'm staying, just to prove that you're snarky and I'm lovable.

-Ooh!

OK, Bro?

# Sibs City! #

"To Sidney, keep reaching for the stars.

"You're only a stepladder away."

"Dear...random fan,

"amazing that you're not trembling in my presence."

To make this go faster, how about you guys write your own wishes

and then Carl and I will just sign them?

I don't want your autograph! Even if you're famous,

I'll remember you not brushing your teeth for a month.

I was using mouthwash! It's the same thing.

You had poppy seeds in your teeth for 30 days.

-Last chance.

-Pass. I hope you're not too carried away with the show.

-For a reality show, it's not very real.

-I'm just having fun. Fun!

The cameras are only in my face at school.

Then they disappear and I go home and relax.

And I said I was looking for canned peaches, and he said, "Aisle 7".

And I went to aisle 17, so it was all cat food and squeaky toys!

We don't even have a cat! It was a crazy day. Funny when that happens.

Hey! Hey, Bro! You were almost late for family dinner.

-And you're sitting in my chair.

-Don't worry,

we didn't start without you.

There's just enough time to dance!

Get up, get up, get up!

Come on, Carl, all the kids are vibing this dance!

Still having fun?

Not so much.

-You're cool with this?

-Yeah, sure.

The show's sponsor is giving me a lifetime supply of paper towels.

At last I can spill to my heart's content!

OK, people, we want to see one big, dynamic family, right?

I'm going to go spill something!

Becky, you didn't score well with the focus testing.

Would you mind staying more in the background? I mean go to your room.

Don't worry about it. While you're down here making reality television,

I'll be upstairs watching real TV.

Can we do this? OK, keep it real, do y'all thing, right?

It ain't nothing but a chicken wing on a string.

And here we go, actione Jacksione!

-I can hardly wait for dinner.

-Dinner is my favourite meal.

-Next to supper.

-Cut!

That was awesome, awesome, awesome.

-Except it was horrible. Brittany, don't look into the camera.

-Got it.

OK. All right, let's just get back on the train, right? It's all gravy.

And action!

-Look, kids, I made candied yams!

-Oh, great, Mom, love your candied yams.

Me too, I love your candied yams.

No, I don't. They make me break out.

Cut! Brittany, don't look into the camera!

I need a moment.

All right, I've had it.

I am hungry, Brittany. Stop looking into the camera so we can eat.

But I'm trying to connect with my fans!

Yeah, and I love that about you, all right? But looking into the camera...

Well, it...it can break it.

-Really?

-Fact. This high-def lens,

it can't take your intense stare. True story.

I didn't know that. And it's really helpful.

OK! Here we go again, all right? Let's not mess this up! And action!

Pass the yams, please.

-Cut!

-I didn't look into the camera!

-I thought you looked into the camera.

-I didn't!

-How are you doing, pal?

-You look a little peevish.

-Yeah! I just want to eat my dinner,

but I can't, because Brittany won't stop looking into the camera.

Oh, Carl, you are not the director. You are barely a prop.

So zip it.

And you're just jealous, because you can't break a camera with your eyes.

You're breaking my spirit with your face.

How dare you insult my face to my face!

Should I do it behind your back, like everybody does?

Do you want me to throw a yam at you?

-Because I will throw a yam at you.

-Hey, I yam what I yam!

-You know what you are, Carl?

-What am I, Brittany?

Covered in yams.

Hey, Brittany?

How about some yam-me-downs?

-How'd that one taste, princess?

-Ugh!

-You... Take it like a yam!

-Stop yammering!

It's yammer time!

You kids, stop playing with your food!

This is cool! This is cool!

Silence of the Yams!

At first, I was a little iffy. I liked Carl and Brittany's repartee.

But now it seems to be getting out of control.

-Let's take another look.

-Let's.

Here's that yam fight again, in slow motion.

Wow, Carl is really taking a beating.

According to our viewer poll, people think Carl's blood is boiling.

Yes, 75% of them want to see him explode by the end of the day.

Emotionally, not physically. Messy.

WHOOSHING Oh, you know what that means!

That's right. Time to dance!

The show keeps portraying me as this out-of-control guy.

If the cameras weren't around, I could talk to Brittany properly.

All right, one break from the cameras coming up.

Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

We need to change the batteries on the cameras, guys. Hold for five.

Come on, chop chop.

Brittany, can we talk? I don't want to do this show.

It's a completely fake version of me and my family.

I want to be your real friend, not your fake enemy on a stupid TV show.

I don't think I've ever had a real friend. Not a REAL real friend.

I'll be your friend, and I'll be a great friend.

OK. Friends.

But I'm not quitting the TV show. You are such a dumb little brother!

Hey, how do you leave the house with that ridiculous-looking thing?

-It's not so bad.

-I was talking to the shirt.

-Cut!

-What? I didn't look in the camera.

Someone posted a video of you guys being nice to each other.

Listen to this.

'I want to be your real friend, not your fake enemy on a stupid TV show.'

This kills the premise of the show.

-Viewers want conflict, not this touchy-feely, sappy stuff.

-Ohhh!

Your ratings are tanking. Your 15 minutes of fame are up. Show's over.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

That's show biz, kid. You're the next big thing until the next big thing.

Here's me, going to green-light my next hit series.

Oh, no!

-Brittany...

-Oh, no!

-Brittany, can you get off the ground?

No! Just leave me here in my heap of shame!

Ohhh!

Come on.

SHE WAILS

Better a cancelled show with a real friend than a hit with no friends.

Ever since you have been my real friend, my show got cancelled.

Real friendships are for real losers!

Agh! You loser!

And she's back.

Am I glad that's over! Lucky somebody released that footage.

Would this be the footage?

'I don't think I've ever had a real friend.'

-I think I got excellent framing on those close-ups.

-It was you?

-Thanks, Porter!

-You said you wanted out, and that's what I'm here for.

Hey, Steve, we heard "Sib City!" got cancelled. What gives?

Shows are boring. They live, they die fast, horrible, low-rated deaths.

So our aftershow is cancelled, too?

Oh, no, no, no, it's got barfo ratings. You're still on.

But there's no more "Sib City!" What are we supposed to talk about?

It wasn't about the talking. It's about the dancing.

Later.

-Well, looks like I'm back to being a nobody.

-Happy?

I'm so happy I could dance.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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