Reality Bites Wingin' It


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Transcript


LineFromTo

You know the expression "feeling under the weather"?

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Who feels OVER the weather? It's in the sky. We're under it.

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Attention, everybody. As you know, I've beaten many of my goals -

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girl band, music videos, being the girl you love to hate.

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But there's one goal that I have yet to beat, and I am going to beat it -

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TV host. Hold for applause.

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To be a host, don't you need something to host?

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We are going to put on an online news show.

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There's your answer.

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So sign here - below my name, so you're all beneath me.

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-A news show? That's a lofty goal, Brittany.

-"Lofty" -

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I like your use of language, Porter. You'll be co-host.

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-But I...

-Serge - sports.

-Oh, two words that go great together!

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-Jane, need you to...

-Provide investigative journalism? You got it.

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Can I be cue-card boy? I love jobs that end with "boy". Paper boy,

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-dentist boy...

-Carl, what can I put you down for, besides that haircut?

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Because it is heinous!

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Meteorologist?

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No-one cares about meteors, Carl.

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-It means weatherman, Brittany.

-Carl would be a great weatherman.

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Good idea, Porter. Carl, you're the weatherman.

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It'll bring some...illegimidacy to the show.

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My forecast - sunny with the chance of COOL!

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Yeah, small chance. Less than 15%.

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# Let's give it one more shot

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# Let's give it everything we've got

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# Cos if we get it right

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# We will surely conquer the world

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# Hey! I've got my wings from an angel

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# Now we're wingin' it all the time

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# I'm giving wings to an angel

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# Always an angel

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# Now we gotta learn to fly. #

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And you're on. >

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Welcome back. I'm Brittany Hansen.

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Gnarly! Barf me out! Primo!

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These 1980s slang words and more coming up in our top story,

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entitled "What were old people saying?".

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Now a word from my co-host.

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I'm Porter Jackson, and coming up, I am a big goof.

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-Erm, I mean...

-Let's go to Jane Casey, with Bennett High gossip.

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I'm here with exclusive breaking news on Bennett High's serial smoocher.

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This week, somebody has been kissing the mirrors in the girls' washroom,

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leaving ugly, caked-on lip-gloss marks.

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With me now is Janitor Jenkins.

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Hi. I'm Janitor Jenkins of no fixed address.

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Tell our viewers, how have you been cleaning up this lip feedie?

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-Toilet brush.

-And what kind of toilet brush are you using?

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-The one I put in the toilet.

-There you have it. Brittany?

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A toilet brush?

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SHE GAGS

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Go to Serge!

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Now an interview with Bennett High's Athlete of the Week.

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How many touchdowns have you got today?

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19.

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Wow, 19. That's a record. Congratulations, athlete Serge.

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Oh, thanks, sportscaster Serge.

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And now let's go to the weather.

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What have we got, Carl Montclaire, local asteroid...ololologist?

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That's "meteorologist".

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Whatevs. It looks like we're in

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for some rad tanning weather this weekend.

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-Carl?

-What?

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Oh, right.

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Um, the, uh, north-east is going to be having, um,

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a subtropical low-pressure system coming in from, um, the south.

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Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

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Just give us the short version. What kind of SPF are we looking at?

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50!

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Which is also the number of minutes it took Carl to tie that tie today!

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Couldn't be more wrong! Who's laughing now?

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Everyone, at you.

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That's it. I'm Brittany Hansen,

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-reminding you that I'm better than you.

-At being annoying.

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-So stay pretty.

-Pretty annoying.

-See you next time.

-Annoying!

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Well, I'm never doing that again.

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You've got to give it one more try.

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Why? If that broadcast was a weather event,

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-it would have been a class four hurricane.

-No way!

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-Class three.

-Brittany was making fun of me, and I was sweating so much

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people thought it was raining in the studio. The show was terrible.

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Great job, guys.

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-What?

-Yeah, they're loving it.

-We're a hit? Not that there was any doubt.

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-Everyone's talking about you and Carl.

-But mostly me, right?

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-Carl, you're a star.

-I am the only star here.

-Yeah, the Big Dipper.

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-You're a weatherman. You can be replaced by a window.

-You're right.

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Oh, this just in - I'm out.

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Whatevs.

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Ooh, just got chilly in here.

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See, Carl, take a look.

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You have been replaced by people who don't even talk!

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How?

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Sunny.

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Rain.

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Snow.

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Well, the best of luck to all of you.

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So, when you're being weathergirls, it is always sunny in your minds.

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-Even when it's rainy outside. OK?

-Brittany Hansen!

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Steve. Steve McTeigh.

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-You sound famous.

-Yeah, because I am.

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My show online has a ton of hits. It is way bigger than Bennett High, OK?

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Now, here's what I'm playing with, OK?

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We take it to the next level. You in a reality show.

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AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

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-Are you OK here?

-Yes.

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That is my way of saying YES!

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-Coolio. All right, you get your partner on board, it's a go.

-Porter?

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-He'll do it.

-No, no, no, the little weather kid. Cale? Caleb? Carl! Carl.

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AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

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Is that another yes here?

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No! That is also my way of saying NO!

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-I would never work with that little goblin.

-Look, no Carl, no show.

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By "never" I meant

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"I would LOVE to work with that little goblin"!

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OK. Slammin'. We start shooting this tomorrow.

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HE LAUGHS

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YES! HA!

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Good news, Carl. I have had a change of heart. You are back on the air.

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I just used my influence to get us on a reality-TV show!

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That's great, but I have no interest in doing a TV show with you.

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-A-huh?

-And off of Brittany's shocked look, we...fade out.

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Ooh, Carl, weatherman, superstar, BFF.

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Yeah, two out of four, right?

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Ooh, math! You're so smart, Carl.

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Did you order a personality change?

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As Carl's friend, you're smart, but Carl is smarter,

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-and that's why he's going to do my reality show.

-I already told you no.

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Then you've left me no choice.

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Please, Carl! Please!

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Pleeeeease!

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Please!

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Carl Montclaire! My favourite weather system. Steve McTeigh, producer.

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Why are you wearing a cowboy hat?

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I got that on my last show, Ponies Across the Nation.

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We took a bunch of inner-city kids,

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plopped them down on horses and just started riding.

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Yeah, it went great, until we got to the Mississippi. Yeah...

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Still a couple of horses and a bunch of kids out there.

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I understand you've got some concerns about starring in your reality show.

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Well, maybe this fruit basket will help change your mind.

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No? Plan B.

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-Look, good luck with your show.

-Uh, gentlemen?

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Carl, I'm so glad this reality show's coming to Bennett High.

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They're giving us a new science lab!

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Perhaps now I can finally find the cure for spiky hair.

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I haven't really said yes yet.

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STEVE: Carl, this show needs you.

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No-one else is as hilarious.

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I'm hilarious?

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THEY LAUGH

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And your banter is off the charts. It's where banter is heading.

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People are going to love to see you on your own show. >

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Say yes for your public.

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-Do it for Bennett High. Do it for science!

-Do it for me.

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Well...

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Being on a reality show would be cool.

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I just have to be myself, so there'd be no pressure.

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I'm only holding back because how often do four people beg you?

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And they all have fruit baskets! I think I saw a guava on one of them.

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-I'll do it.

-YES!

-Yes!

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Let's check the beaker catalogue.

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You should see the new Bunsen burners!

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Oh!

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-Fruit?

-Yeah! Thanks.

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Hey, he took the guava!

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-So, look, Mr McTeigh...

-Hey, hold that thought.

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I wonder if he's calling Hollywood.

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And...done! Just downloaded a hot new ringtone. OK, Carl, go.

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-What's the show going to be about?

-You're just two crazy kids!

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-Crazy. Check.

-Trying to make it through high school.

-Seems accurate.

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And you're brother and sister.

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-What?

-Done!

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You got each other's backs and you get on each other's nerves.

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It's going to be sensational! I call it "Sibs City!"

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Brother and sister?! How is that reality TV?

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You're focusing too much on the reality, not enough on the TV.

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-Yeah, Carl, not enough on the TV.

-And the show starts...

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now! Thank you so much for letting me be involved. Big fan.

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Here we go. Action!

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Who's my bro?

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I am....

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Real. Be real! Be more real. >

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I can't be seen. I'm under an exclusive contract

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as a spokesman for Gobsmack juice, Japan.

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Courage. Conviction pants. Gobsmack.

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Hey, little Bro! Oh, Mr Dolby is such a bore.

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Kinda reminds me of that 12-hour car trip we took to see Aunt...Mark.

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What car ride? Who the heck is Aunt Mark?

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Carl, don't you remember any interesting stories for the camera?

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Never mind. Let's dance.

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-What?

-Come on, join me, Brother, like we always do!

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Kids love dancing! >

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Looks like you got bitten by a snake.

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Brittany, snappy retort!

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Snappy retort!

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That doesn't make sense.

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Cut! I love it. That was amaz'. I wouldn't change a thing.

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Question. Can we do it one more time?

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This time, make more fun of each other. Get in there.

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That is what the fans want. Fact.

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Jane! I need someone to host my "Sibs City!" aftershow.

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You'd be commenting on the show.

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I loved your Bennett Beat report on the sloppy joe crisis.

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You think I'd make a good after-show host?

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-Of course I do!

-And I can be Jane's co-host.

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Of course you could. My people will call your people.

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We don't have any people.

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OK, my people will call you.

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Wait, who are your people?

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Actually, I don't have people. I'll, um...

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Let's just assume that we're good like Gorgonzola, OK?

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# Sibs, sibs, sibs... # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Welcome to the Sibs aftershow. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'm Jane. This is my co-host Denise. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thanks, guys. Now, let the mockery begin. How about that Brittany?

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A little intense.

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And Carl, he's cute, huh?

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-But what a close call today.

-Classic Brittany.

-Let's go there now.

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Oh. Hey, Brittany, what's up?

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Goodbye. I'm running away from this place.

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-Don't get everybody's hopes up.

-That hurts! I'm leaving immediately.

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But we have an English test after lunch.

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I don't care me nothing about no English.

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I'm going where they only speak my language

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and where I don't have a despicable brother to deal with.

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AUDIENCE: Awww!

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She was almost lost to us forever, but then, luckily,

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a certain someone was able to change her mind.

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# Got two sibs Watched by all the kids

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# Rapidly rising Hilarious vids

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# Oh-oh, here they are The stars of the show

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# The snarky sis And the lovable bro. #

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-Ha, "snarky sis and the lovable bro"! I like it!

-"Lovable bro"?!

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-I'm staying, just to prove that you're snarky and I'm lovable.

-Ooh!

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OK, Bro?

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# Sibs City! #

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"To Sidney, keep reaching for the stars.

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"You're only a stepladder away."

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"Dear...random fan,

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"amazing that you're not trembling in my presence."

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To make this go faster, how about you guys write your own wishes

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and then Carl and I will just sign them?

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I don't want your autograph! Even if you're famous,

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I'll remember you not brushing your teeth for a month.

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I was using mouthwash! It's the same thing.

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You had poppy seeds in your teeth for 30 days.

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-Last chance.

-Pass. I hope you're not too carried away with the show.

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-For a reality show, it's not very real.

-I'm just having fun. Fun!

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The cameras are only in my face at school.

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Then they disappear and I go home and relax.

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And I said I was looking for canned peaches, and he said, "Aisle 7".

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And I went to aisle 17, so it was all cat food and squeaky toys!

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We don't even have a cat! It was a crazy day. Funny when that happens.

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Hey! Hey, Bro! You were almost late for family dinner.

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-And you're sitting in my chair.

-Don't worry,

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we didn't start without you.

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There's just enough time to dance!

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Get up, get up, get up!

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Come on, Carl, all the kids are vibing this dance!

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Still having fun?

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Not so much.

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-You're cool with this?

-Yeah, sure.

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The show's sponsor is giving me a lifetime supply of paper towels.

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At last I can spill to my heart's content!

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OK, people, we want to see one big, dynamic family, right?

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I'm going to go spill something!

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Becky, you didn't score well with the focus testing.

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Would you mind staying more in the background? I mean go to your room.

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Don't worry about it. While you're down here making reality television,

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I'll be upstairs watching real TV.

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Can we do this? OK, keep it real, do y'all thing, right?

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It ain't nothing but a chicken wing on a string.

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And here we go, actione Jacksione!

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-I can hardly wait for dinner.

-Dinner is my favourite meal.

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-Next to supper.

-Cut!

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That was awesome, awesome, awesome.

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-Except it was horrible. Brittany, don't look into the camera.

-Got it.

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OK. All right, let's just get back on the train, right? It's all gravy.

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And action!

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-Look, kids, I made candied yams!

-Oh, great, Mom, love your candied yams.

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Me too, I love your candied yams.

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No, I don't. They make me break out.

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Cut! Brittany, don't look into the camera!

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I need a moment.

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All right, I've had it.

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I am hungry, Brittany. Stop looking into the camera so we can eat.

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But I'm trying to connect with my fans!

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Yeah, and I love that about you, all right? But looking into the camera...

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Well, it...it can break it.

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-Really?

-Fact. This high-def lens,

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it can't take your intense stare. True story.

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I didn't know that. And it's really helpful.

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OK! Here we go again, all right? Let's not mess this up! And action!

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Pass the yams, please.

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-Cut!

-I didn't look into the camera!

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-I thought you looked into the camera.

-I didn't!

-How are you doing, pal?

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-You look a little peevish.

-Yeah! I just want to eat my dinner,

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but I can't, because Brittany won't stop looking into the camera.

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Oh, Carl, you are not the director. You are barely a prop.

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So zip it.

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And you're just jealous, because you can't break a camera with your eyes.

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You're breaking my spirit with your face.

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How dare you insult my face to my face!

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Should I do it behind your back, like everybody does?

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Do you want me to throw a yam at you?

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-Because I will throw a yam at you.

-Hey, I yam what I yam!

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-You know what you are, Carl?

-What am I, Brittany?

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Covered in yams.

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Hey, Brittany?

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How about some yam-me-downs?

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-How'd that one taste, princess?

-Ugh!

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-You... Take it like a yam!

-Stop yammering!

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It's yammer time!

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You kids, stop playing with your food!

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This is cool! This is cool!

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Silence of the Yams!

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At first, I was a little iffy. I liked Carl and Brittany's repartee.

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But now it seems to be getting out of control.

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-Let's take another look.

-Let's.

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Here's that yam fight again, in slow motion.

0:17:230:17:26

Wow, Carl is really taking a beating.

0:17:270:17:30

According to our viewer poll, people think Carl's blood is boiling.

0:17:300:17:33

Yes, 75% of them want to see him explode by the end of the day.

0:17:330:17:37

Emotionally, not physically. Messy.

0:17:370:17:39

WHOOSHING Oh, you know what that means!

0:17:390:17:42

That's right. Time to dance!

0:17:420:17:43

The show keeps portraying me as this out-of-control guy.

0:17:510:17:54

If the cameras weren't around, I could talk to Brittany properly.

0:17:540:17:58

All right, one break from the cameras coming up.

0:17:580:18:01

Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

0:18:020:18:04

We need to change the batteries on the cameras, guys. Hold for five.

0:18:040:18:08

Come on, chop chop.

0:18:080:18:09

Brittany, can we talk? I don't want to do this show.

0:18:100:18:13

It's a completely fake version of me and my family.

0:18:130:18:15

I want to be your real friend, not your fake enemy on a stupid TV show.

0:18:150:18:19

I don't think I've ever had a real friend. Not a REAL real friend.

0:18:190:18:24

I'll be your friend, and I'll be a great friend.

0:18:240:18:27

OK. Friends.

0:18:270:18:29

But I'm not quitting the TV show. You are such a dumb little brother!

0:18:310:18:37

Hey, how do you leave the house with that ridiculous-looking thing?

0:18:440:18:48

-It's not so bad.

-I was talking to the shirt.

0:18:480:18:50

-Cut!

-What? I didn't look in the camera.

0:18:500:18:53

Someone posted a video of you guys being nice to each other.

0:18:530:18:56

Listen to this.

0:18:560:18:57

'I want to be your real friend, not your fake enemy on a stupid TV show.'

0:18:570:19:00

This kills the premise of the show.

0:19:000:19:02

-Viewers want conflict, not this touchy-feely, sappy stuff.

-Ohhh!

0:19:020:19:06

Your ratings are tanking. Your 15 minutes of fame are up. Show's over.

0:19:060:19:10

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

0:19:100:19:16

That's show biz, kid. You're the next big thing until the next big thing.

0:19:160:19:20

Here's me, going to green-light my next hit series.

0:19:200:19:23

Oh, no!

0:19:240:19:27

-Brittany...

-Oh, no!

-Brittany, can you get off the ground?

0:19:290:19:32

No! Just leave me here in my heap of shame!

0:19:320:19:36

Ohhh!

0:19:360:19:37

Come on.

0:19:370:19:39

SHE WAILS

0:19:390:19:40

Better a cancelled show with a real friend than a hit with no friends.

0:19:400:19:45

Ever since you have been my real friend, my show got cancelled.

0:19:450:19:48

Real friendships are for real losers!

0:19:480:19:50

Agh! You loser!

0:19:500:19:53

And she's back.

0:19:530:19:55

Am I glad that's over! Lucky somebody released that footage.

0:19:560:20:00

Would this be the footage?

0:20:000:20:02

'I don't think I've ever had a real friend.'

0:20:020:20:05

-I think I got excellent framing on those close-ups.

-It was you?

0:20:050:20:08

-Thanks, Porter!

-You said you wanted out, and that's what I'm here for.

0:20:080:20:13

Hey, Steve, we heard "Sib City!" got cancelled. What gives?

0:20:130:20:17

Shows are boring. They live, they die fast, horrible, low-rated deaths.

0:20:170:20:20

So our aftershow is cancelled, too?

0:20:200:20:23

Oh, no, no, no, it's got barfo ratings. You're still on.

0:20:230:20:26

But there's no more "Sib City!" What are we supposed to talk about?

0:20:260:20:30

It wasn't about the talking. It's about the dancing.

0:20:300:20:33

Later.

0:20:340:20:36

-Well, looks like I'm back to being a nobody.

-Happy?

0:20:390:20:42

I'm so happy I could dance.

0:20:420:20:45

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:20:500:20:52

E-mail [email protected]

0:20:520:20:56

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