All Lizards Go to Heaven, Part 1 Wingin' It

Please eat some lettuce, Mr Phibian.

A lizard can't live on crickets alone.

-Amy's a carnivore, Becky.

-No, he's just upset I'm leaving him.

Becky, we'll be late for tap class.

But Mom, Mr Phibian's on a hunger strike.

Don't worry, I'll make sure he eats.

Should I write out instructions for you?

Duh, da food goes in da mouth, right?

OK. Just make sure you burp him after you feed him,

or else he gets hiccups.

Talk to him about anything -

he likes to hear voices, so he knows he's not alone.

Yeah, yeah, sure, dinner and a chit-chat.

Mr Phibian, you should see the epic beat-down I'm laying on Porter now.

You're going down, Jackson.

-Montclaire...

-Oh!

-Total Pwnage - you just got beat!

-Oh, no!

-Uh-oh.

-What? Oh, Mr Phibian.

-No, no, no, no!

Becky left his cage open. Is he dead?

Not breathing, head on the wrong way. Smart money's on dead.

Man, I killed Becky's lizard! She will never, ever forgive me.

We'll fix this, we'll find a pet shop and...

-BECKY:

-I forgot my tap shoes. >

-Tap shoes?

-Mr Phibian, is Carl taking good care of you?

-Oh, yeah, you betcha.

He was just feeling, um, a little gassy, so I burped him.

CARL SIGHS

You are a life saver, Porter, both reptile and human.

THUNDER CRASHES

Angels, you all heard that measurable transgression alarm.

I've already triangulated the source of the regeneration magic.

The exact location remains elusive. As does the culprit.

But not for long.

I'm going down to Earth to investigate.

I'm feeling a little investigatey.

Investigatey, the desire to investigate.

-It's a word, trust me, it's a word!

-THUNDER CRASHES

Are we expecting rain?

# Let's give it one more shot

# Let's give it everything we've got

# Cos if we get it right

# Then we will surely conquer the world

-# Hey!

-I've got my wings from an angel

# Now we're wingin' it all the time

# I'm giving the wings to an angel

# Oh the wings of an angel

# Now we gotta learn to fly. #

-Suffering Seraphims! This is terrible!

-What's popping, Dr Kasabi?

What's popping is, I just got this memo from upstairs.

-Agent 45 will be arriving momentarily.

-Who's agent 45?

I'm Agent 45. Agent One, too wimpy. Agent Two, too slow.

Agent Three, he's OK but lacks initiative.

Agent Four, I think you get the point.

It took 45 tries to get it right. Meet Mr Right.

He's the top man (at the ABI.)

Angel Bureau of Investigations.

So, it's like the FBI, but with the word "Angel"?

Why don't you guys ever come up with your own ideas?

The ABI's been around longer.

If he's coming here to investigate, something really big and bad has happened.

Is there anything you two want to tell me? Anything at all?

I brought the lizard back to life for Becky, for Carl,

for the lizard. I mean, he was just being a lizard, it's not his fault.

Because Carl over-celebrates when he wins doesn't mean everyone has to suffer.

That vest is quite becoming, Dr Kasabi.

Oh, thank you, you know, I got this when I... Besides that. Carl?

A vest is a vest. No sleeves. It's like half a shirt. It's a very nice vest.

You two need to take this seriously.

What the...? Agent 45, welcome to Bennett High.

-Dr Kasabi, I have no time for pleasantries.

-Of course not.

This is Porter Jackson, the AIT I supervise, and his assignment Carl Montclaire.

-What did you miss when I said I had no time for pleasantries?

-Eh, all of it, I guess.

Porter and his human may go.

And while I'm conducting my investigation

I think I'll be using your office here as my HQ.

-Certainly, you may.

-I wasn't asking for your permission.

-Well, no, and I wasn't giving it!

-HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

May I ask the nature of your visit?

My prime suspect for the illegal use of regeneration magic is Porter Jackson.

Preposterous. If you think it's Porter, why didn't you ask him?

You know no AIT can lie to you.

Let me give you three reasons why not.

One, a good investigator only asks questions he already knows the answers to.

Two, here at the ABI, we do things our own way.

I don't tell you how to hand out pamphlets here

in your little Guidance Counsellor office.

What's the third reason you're not asking Porter?

It's just not as much fun that way.

I'll start building my case against Porter Jackson

-by interviewing all of his friends.

-About?

Get out.

And take this with you, it's hideous.

Already gone.

Killer 48, hut, hut, hut!

Delvecchio, you got game.

-Serge has game for weeks!

-Yeah.

I'm scouting for the University of Nothing But Sports.

-Nice! UNBS! I've heard of you guys.

-Yeah. Well, we're looking at another kid, Porter Jackson?

Is Porter a team player or does he play by his own rules?

-Depends what sport we're talking about.

-Whatever you want, you pick.

-I pick rugby.

-Then rugby it is.

-Porter doesn't play rugby.

-Let's start from the top.

-I can do a Frahnch accent like dis!

-Magnifique!

-I can do a Rrrussian accent like zis!

-Wunderbar!

-I can do a Scottish...

-I've heard enough, I really have.

-Have you ever thought about becoming a famous actress?

-Oh! Every minute of my life.

Well, as the top talent scout for the Hollywood agency Nothing But Stars, I can make that happen.

Is there anyone else around here who has your kind of acting talent?

You know, someone that can make a lie sound like the truth?

Porter Jackson perhaps?

There are no other students like me.

Let me prove it to you. Here's my Hollywood smile.

Like your stuff, it's good, real good.

I'm staffing a new paper, Nothing But The Truth?

-I'll need a reporter who's good around an adverb. Interested?

-I might be.

-Test question.

-Go.

-If I were to write an expose on Porter Jackson, what would the headline be?

Really Nice Guy, colon, Really Nice All The Time?

-Or would it be Not Nice Guy, colon, Not Nice, Not Even One Time.

-Wow!

-Catchy headlines, I can see why you need reporters.

-Answer the question!

I already did.

-Strawberry.

-Yes.

-Chocolate.

-Good.

-Chocolate-chocolate-chip.

-Very good.

-Pralines and cream.

-Terrific.

-Milly Vanilla!

-Fantastic!

-Berry fudge.

-Wow!

-Pumpkin.

-Unbelievable!

Your level of ice-cream flavour recognition is unsurpassed.

-I can taste with my eyes.

-I can see that.

Now, as a recruiter for the Nothing But Scoops ice-cream chain

you would be a perfect fit as our new flavour taster.

Now, I'm looking at another possible flavour taster, Porter Jackson?

Does he enjoy ice-cream, or does he prefer tampering with the immutable laws of the universe?

Porter likes pralines and cream. I'm not a fan but I could fake it.

-Me too!

-So did I get the job yet?

We'll call you.

Would you say Porter Jackson is good at magic?

Well! Well, Porter's no Houdini, that's for sure.

I'd say he's more like a street magician.

Is Porter Jackson capable of regeneration magic?

Um, well, um...you know, I'm not even sure what regeneration magic is.

Ohh...

Oh!

Don't play dumb with me. That's when something dies and magic brings it back to life.

And Porter Jackson is the only person in this immediate vicinity capable of such magic. Isn't he?

Um, well, there's this guy in the library who does card tricks.

Very quietly, he always finishes with ta-da!

I'm talking about angels, ta-da!

Come on, there's got to be some angels around here other than Porter.

Of course! I'm forgetting about that special AIT, what's her name again?

-Dorothy...Denver...Digby...

-Denise?

-Bingo!

-No, no, no, Denise was probably busy magically changing people's hairstyles

or makings zombie doubles, or impersonating somebody's parents.

-There's always something going on with her.

-Thank you.

-But not this!

That's why I couldn't get any evidence on Porter Jackson,

even with all my interviews. Denise is the culprit.

Wait! That's not what I meant!

-What's going on? Who are you?

-Agent 45 of the ABI. You're under arrest.

-But I didn't do anything. ..Carl, help!

-No, no, no!

Wait, wait, no! What have I done?

BELL RINGS

Carl! Want to go grab a pizza slice? I've got a coupon.

Of course, but there's something I've got to tell you about Denise.

Denise has been arrested for using regeneration magic.

-Denise has been arrested for... what he said.

-I have to go sort this mess out.

What did you say to Agent 45?

I was trying to get his attention off you and I accidentally put it on her.

He snapped handcuffs on her and took her away.

I can't let Denise go down for something I did. Even if she is annoying.

-Well, we've got to come up with a plan, then.

-You got it.

NO SPEECH

-Hello?

-Hi, hi, now I can hear you.

Dr C, they say I illegally used regeneration magic, but I didn't!

Is there anything you might have done wrong?

That's a long list, but nothing that warrants landing in here.

I believe you, Denise, and I'll do everything I can to clear your name.

Well, hurry up, the only thing I'm guilty of is being bored.

And my magic doesn't even work. Look.

There should be a chocolate cake in front of me with a file in it so I can break out of here.

This jail is surrounded by a magic suppression field.

Don't worry, Denise, just try to make the best of it. Everything's going to be fine.

PHONE RINGS

Hello? No, I do not want to change my long-distance provider!

Here's the plan. We'll tell them the lizard died of a heart attack

or food-poisoning, and you were trying to revive it.

-I'm with you.

-And I magicked up a light so you could see better.

-Of course, why wouldn't you?

-But the magic bounced off the lizard...

-Ding, right off.

-That set off the alarm upstairs.

-Yep.

While you were giving him mouth-to-mouth.

-Wait, what was the last part?

-While you were giving mou...

Mouth to mouth?! Agent 45's going to want proof that I can do it.

No, no, no, no... Yeah, he will.

You are so going to jail.

So, I assume you guys heard that I got picked up by a talent scout?

Me too, but for sports.

Me three, but for ice-cream!

Well then, I'll write a story on all three of you when I'm the editor of a big newspaper.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bennett High Film Festival.

CROWD CHEERS

Our first star is Brittany Hanson.

Can I've your autograph?

And now, Serge Delvecchio!

Woo!

And it's the ice-cream man!

Hey, it's quite a coincidence that we were all discovered on the same day.

-Does anyone else find that suspicious?

-No.

-Just you.

-Not really.

-Mm, we should look into it.

OK, I'll a look into it.

And while you're at it, can you look into why they call it a red carpet?

And why is the carpet outside?

# Nobody knows the trouble I've seen Nobody knows my sorrow... #

What is this place? Where are you taking me? I didn't do anything, I didn't!

Marsha, I haven't seen you since the Middle Ages. What happened?

I was trimming my feathers on one side

and then I started trimming them on the other side to even it out,

and then before I knew it I had one wing and one nub.

Isn't it an offence to destroy an angel wing?

I tried to get away but all I could do was fly in circles.

-They finally caught me over Egypt.

-SHE SOBS

-What are you in for?

-Regeneration magic.

-That's the worst!

-I know!

But I guess...you got to bend the rules sometimes, right?

I didn't do it, half-wing!

I understand, I understand. They might be listening.

I hope they are!

I'm innocent, you hear me? Innocent!

I think I actually believe you, which is rare for me.

Shocking, the guy whose speciality is deception has trust issues.

You know, that's quite often the case but either way, we will get to the truth, won't we?

-I don't think I can do this.

-Don't worry, I've got a bottle of mouthwash on standby.

-No, I mean I think my lips are too big.

-Try blowing on it.

-I did, it just made it mad.

-Come on, Carl, do it for me.

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

I really hope that's my hair!

Who am I kidding? This plan won't work.

-Now you decide that?!

-I decided a few minutes ago.

I just needed to see you kissing a lizard.

We weren't kissing, it was clinical. So what do we do now?

Well, I can't let Denise take the fall for me, so I'm going to confess, even if it means getting expelled.

-From school?

-No, from being an angel.

Great, having you as a human won't be so bad.

-We can hang out all the time.

-No, Carl, you'll never see me again.

Then don't confess.

I'm sorry, but I have to.

OK, look, I'll kiss the lizard again!

That's why I used magic on the lizard.

He was only doing it to help me and Becky and the lizard. He helped so many.

Porter, why didn't you tell me this in the first place?

-I didn't want to drag you into it.

-Your days as an AIT are numbered.

I'm calling a special tribunal and with your confession, you should be a slam dunk.

Porter Jackson, you're under arrest for the illegal use of regeneration magic.

-No!

-Oh, this is the worst thing that could have happened.

Second worst. I'd to kiss a lizard.

-In you go.

-I should have known you had something to do with this!

Sorry, Denise, I didn't know they'd arrest you.

-I'll never get an AIT assignment after this.

-Don't worry, I told them

-it was me and that they'd the wrong AIT.

-Was it you?

No, I'm just in jail chilling with my nemesis! Of course it was me.

You realise they're going to expel you? You'll never see Carl again.

No biggy.

Living with Carl is no picnic.

He takes forever in the bathroom and I've never seen someone go through more body spray.

Am I going to miss Porter?

Not a chance! Hey, I don't have to share my room any more.

I mean, for an angel, that guy snores like a freight train.

He always asks me to beam him places, like I'm his chauffeur.

He chews with his mouth open.

-And he always eat the whole apple. I'm talking stem and core.

-His magic is always messing up.

Although we did have some pretty good times.

He was always there for me.

BOTH: OK, I'm going to miss him.

What's the matter, Carl? Are you going to eat your dinner or push your peas around the plate?

I'm not hungry, but it's good.

-Yeah, the peas aren't frozen this time.

-I like to them that way, crunchy.

-I made dessert!

-Oh...

Imagine I have a friend who's in trouble.

OK, so I'll imagine you have a friend.

OK, so let's say something I did got him or her in trouble.

-Sounds like you.

-But I can't do anything about it because they're far, far away from here.

-Where?

-Iceland.

-Well, it's already midnight in Iceland, so this can wait until tomorrow.

Voila!

-Apple pie!

-Mum, you left the plastic wrap on again.

I don't want this to go to trial, Porter.

Why don't you just co-operate and make it easy on yourself?

-I prefer the hard way, thanks.

-I don't like your attitude.

-We don't like your breath.

-What?!

-Suck a breath mint.

-Or an egg.

Dude, now your hands are going to smell.

Oh, no, no, no! Both my kids are in jail.

Yeah, right where they belong.

You can't charge them both for the same offence.

You're right. Why don't we just charge you. After all, they are your kids.

-Bring it on!

-Oh, I will!

-Ugh!

I had a tuna sandwich, OK?!

Look, Porter confessed, so let Denise go.

-Fine!

-Finally!

It was nice knowing you, Porter. Later, Agent tuna-mouth.

I'll see you two at the tribunal.

Oh...bring it on.

You already said that.

I couldn't think of another thing to say. I do not like that guy.

# The wind in my hair I haven't a care

# Because I have a new car... #

THEY GASP AND GRUNT

One at a time.

What's the problem?

ALL TALK AT ONCE

One. At. A time.

-We...

-Want...

-To...

-Know...

-Oh, for Pete's sakes!

Will one of you speak all at once, and let that one be Jane.

-So, we're all psyched about all of these talent scouts who've offered us all jobs.

-Talent scouts?

I didn't authorise talent scouts.

You've got to know the sports scout? He's the one with eyes and the hair.

And the ice-cream scout.

He has a neck and skin.

I took a picture of my talent scout.

-That's the newspaper editor!

-And the coach!

And your battery's low. You should find an outlet.

-I'm afraid you've been duped.

-Duped?!

You kids are young, you have your whole lives ahead of you.

But you might want to work at being a little more savvy.

-It means smart, Serge.

-OK, sure thing.

Thank you for answering my questions about Porter, Principal Malone. Pick a car.

A convertible, can I have a convertible?

Any car you want. Call the number there and we'll deliver it fully loaded and free.

I can already feel the wind in my hair...

HE SOBS

We're still here, sir.

Just feeling your pain.

This place looks a lot different than Angel Court.

Angel Court is a sideshow compared to this.

The Angel Tribunal only convenes once every few thousand years.

I guess I'd better bring my A-game.

I think you'd better bring your A through Z game!

I got you. HAMMER RAPS

This tribunal has come to order.

Porter Jackson, you have confessed to illegal use of regeneration magic.

The tribunal will hear your case and discuss an appropriate punishment.

Call your first witness.

First witness? Er...

My first witness is...

Carl Montclaire.

-CARL MUMBLES

-What did he say?

Oh! Ugh!

I said I need to spit.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

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