Episode 5 Worst Year of My Life... Again


Episode 5

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Transcript


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# I'm amazed at the things that you say

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# I'd heard it all before, just another day

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# January, February, all the same

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# March, April, May's coming back again

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# Oh, why?

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# Cos it's the worst year of my life again

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# It's looped around and pulled me back in now

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# Yesterday has come again, oh no

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# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

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# The worst year of my life again. #

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ALARM BUZZES

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OK, so we have Aunt Ethel's home phone,

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Aunt Ethel's mobile phone. Mr Peters

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is the next door neighbour -

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Mum, Mum, chill. You'll only be gone one night, OK?

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-OK.

-OK.

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-See ya.

-Bye, guys.

-Send our love to Auntie Ethel.

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-OK. Be good!

-Love you. Have fun.

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-Drive safe.

-See ya, Dad.

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Love you!

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Woo! The house is ours!

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Come on, the party isn't going to organise itself.

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But I invited Simon over for DVDs and pizza.

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Well, as long as that creep doesn't ruin my party,

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I don't care what you do.

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So, we can come too?

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Sure thing. In fact, Slug, it's going

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to be your job to keep things tidy.

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Make sure there are no accidents and nothing gets broken.

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-You should probably carry a cloth at all times.

-You mean like a cleaner?

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Exactly like a cleaner. Oh, you're so much smarter

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-than you look.

-No way! I'd rather play Sudoku than be your party slave.

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-Oh, really?

-Cos if the house doesn't look

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exactly the way Mum and Dad left it, then everyone at school is going

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to see this.

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ALEX SINGING: # Rubber ducky, joy of joy

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# When I squeeze you, you make noise! #

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Right, then.

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Cool.

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Oh!

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You've been in the house for 30 seconds!

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Looks a little bit like Finland.

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No, no, it looks more like Madagascar.

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Sam cannot see this. We have to find the cleaning stuff.

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Why didn't you tell me about the party earlier?

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I would've worn something a little more sophisticated.

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-What?

-This could be my big chance with your sister.

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Oh, as if. You're the last person she wants to see.

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Come on, before she spots it.

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So far, so good.

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And then you know what Norris says,

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he says, "You have to Captain the cricket team, Simon.

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"There's no-one else as talented or as good looking as you."

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-So you know what I said?

-I don't care.

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Exactly. "I don't care. I'm not doing it for you.

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"I am doing it for all of the little people."

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Simon?

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Oh, this is not good!

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Hey. Paula, isn't it?

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-Sam.

-Sam, right. How could I forget?

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Um, do I know you?

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Some people are highly forgettable. Take a walk, buddy.

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Oh, wow, are you rescuing me from toad-head?

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Oh, how sweet.

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-Come on, I'll show you around.

-What about my cricket story?

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-Drop dead, Simon.

-Sorry about that, mate.

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You should be. Your shoulders are really pointy!

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Simon?

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Simon.

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Rug. Cleaning stuff.

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Be careful of the lamp!

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One minute Bugsy was dead in the shoe box,

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the next he's eating a lettuce leaf.

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He had definitely crossed back over from bunny afterlife.

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What are you doing here?

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I just came by to borrow a rolling pin.

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I don't go to many parties, Alex. Was I supposed to bring a lamp?

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Come on.

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Watch it!

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Relax, you're making me clumsy.

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That's Mum's good pecorino!

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Maybe you should drink something!

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HE SPLUTTERS

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That wasn't ginger beer, was it?

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Smells like it.

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Ginger beer always makes Alex puke! Has done since kinder.

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You'd think he would know better now!

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ALEX RETCHES AND COUGHS

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Gross.

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Dance Mania! Oh, wait till Sam sees my smokin' moves!

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-Hi.

-Hi.

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I'm Simon. I'm Sam's boyfriend.

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Are you coming out, Alex?

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Can't.

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There's no door handle on this side. It's dodgy.

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You have to lift and jiggle.

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-Lift.

-I am lifting.

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-Then jiggle it.

-I am!

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-Pull!

-I am!

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Pull harder!

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THEY GROAN

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I think I pulled too hard, Alex.

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I'm deceptively strong, you know.

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Arrrrgggh!

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RINGTONE

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Hi, Mum, we're fine.

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Oh, I was just... I was, er, helping Alex with his homework.

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Got to go. Love you. Bye!

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I'll get some pliers.

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Excuse me!

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Alex, are you in there?

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Um...

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No.

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DRILL WHIRRS

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-Well, aren't you handy!

-I'm pretty capable.

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Aghh!

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I didn't break the door! It just got stuck. It's dodgy.

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You... You know you have to lift and jiggle. I'll fix it.

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I'll fix everything. I'll clean up. I'll mop the floor!

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-Don't....

-Why shouldn't I?

-Because...

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Because you'll lose your waiter and you'll have to clean.

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Who'll host?

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No host, no party, right? And you haven't even gotten

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Mr Handyman's number.

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OK, but you'd better make this place look exactly the way it should

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and I'd better get Mr Handyman's number or it's bath time.

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-Where's the rug?

-I um... I moved it.

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In case of accidents.

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Ohh!

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-Sorry, mate.

-Ahh!

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Watch out!

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No!

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SHATTER!

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What are you doing?

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Dancing, Alex. Want to salsa?

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Just don't break anything, OK?

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What? Like the high score?

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Yeah, cos I'm on fire!

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You know you're right. You ARE on fire.

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SIZZLING

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No!

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Ahh...

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CHATTERING

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MUSIC PLAYS

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Don't break anything, Simon.

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SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

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-Whoa!

-What?

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CRASH!

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ALEX GROANS

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-Where've the lights gone?

-What's with the lights?

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BOY: Supposed to be a party!

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GROANS

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-Ow! Who's that?

-It's me.

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Oh, hello you.

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CHATTER

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I found the fuse box in the cupboard under the stairs.

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Oh, and I found this too.

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Oh, hey, it looks like Finland.

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Alex!

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We should probably have that dance now, before the party's over.

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Oh, this party is so over.

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I can clean it up. There's still time.

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No, you wouldn't.

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Would you?

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-Feel like pizza?

-You bet.

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SENDS MESSAGE ON PHONE

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MULTIPLE MESSAGE ALERTS

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ALEX SINGING: # Rubber ducky, you're the one

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# You make bath time so much fun

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# Rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you... #

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ALARM BUZZES

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-Drive safe!

-See ya, Dad.

-Love you.

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BOTH: Woo!

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Oh, I invited Maddy over for DVDs and fortune cookies.

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Well, as long as you didn't invite creepy Simon.

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-Nope. Definitely, absolutely not.

-Good. Because I'm having a party.

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Yeah, you may want to have it outside.

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-You know, to minimise the damage.

-What damage?

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Oh, you know what parties are like.

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Stained rugs, broken stereos, flooded kitchens, burnt toast.

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Plus outside parties always have a much better vibe.

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Hmm. Good plan, Slug. You're so much smarter than you look.

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-Yeah, don't call me that.

-Actually, it'll be your job to make sure

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the yard looks exactly like it did before the party

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so Mum and Dad have no idea.

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No way, chin face!

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I'm not some waiter who's going

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-to watch drinks and carry a cloth at all times.

-Oh, you'll do it.

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Cos if you don't, then...

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then I'll, um... I'll...

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You'll what?

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Whatever. Just don't embarrass me.

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Locked!

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Thanks for inviting me, Alex. I don't go to many parties.

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Was I meant to bring a fire extinguisher?

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I'm just checking it's in working order.

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You can't be too careful. Last time round at this party,

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we ended up with short circuited electricity and a small fire.

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Plus there was a...a video.

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Wow.

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The worst bit was that Sam met Justin.

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Whatever happens this time,

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we have to make sure that doesn't happen, no matter what.

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Who's Justin?

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Justin's the guy Sam pashed at the party.

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A couple of days later they're going out

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-and it's all gooey and lovey.

-How romantic!

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No. No, it's not romantic at all.

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Because then Justin dumps Sam for Sarah the Snake.

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He dumped your sister for a reptile?

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No, it's a girl. Sarah. Sarah the Snake.

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Keep up.

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After the dumping, Sam is even worse than usual.

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The crying, it was torrential.

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It was like it was never going to stop.

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-You really care about her, huh?

-Yeah, right!

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I just care about how much of a pain she was.

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Three events led to Sam and Justin getting together.

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One - Sam and Justin bonded when he drilled out

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-the pantry door handle.

-Is that a party game?

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No. I fixed the dodgy door but we have to make sure there's no more

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chances for Justin to play handyman.

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-Is that a party game?

-No!

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Justin fixes things.

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Sam's impressed by capable guys.

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She must be really impressed by you then, Alex.

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So, two - Sam and Justin pashed after there was a spilled drink

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made the stereo blow up and the lights go out.

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No Mr Fixit opportunities, no blowing up stereos,

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no romantic darkness. You can rely on me, Alex.

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And three - as long as Simon's not here, it means that he can't

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crack on to Sam, which means that Justin won't be able to rescue her

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and the rest - the blubbering and all that - won't happen.

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MUSIC PLAYS

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He's here.

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-Who, Justin?

-No, Simon.

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-Hey, that stain kind of looks like...

-Finland. Yes, yes, I know.

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No, more like Madagascar.

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Justin alert. Keep him away from Sam.

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Over and out.

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It's detective speak. I know my languages, Alex.

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Just...don't let him out of your sight, OK?

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Ten-four, Oscar Charlie Zulu.

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Surely she must have mentioned me. Simon and Samantha?

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People call us Si-mantha,

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or Sa-mon.

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Actually, no, that's not very nice.

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No-one calls us Sa-mon.

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What are you doing here?

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Didn't I tell you to stay at home so we could game together later?

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No, I was waiting online and the party was all over

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the internet. Bit surprised you didn't invite me, actually.

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But I'm guessing you didn't want any competition?

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Smooth, huh?

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What's with the hair? Is that your dad's suit?

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Sophisticated women like your sister love good tailoring.

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You have to leave now.

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No way. I haven't seen Sam yet.

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Stop it. You're freaking me out.

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-Sam, what's going on?

-Hey, how're you going?

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You're going to have to trust me on this.

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It's a loop year thing.

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So stuffing me in the shed is a loop year thing?

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What are you doing here? You're meant to be watching Justin.

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-I didn't want to miss out.

-On what?

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-The game.

-What game?

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-The "let's all get in the shed" game.

-There is no game!

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-Then why are we in the shed?

-I'm here to keep him away from Sam.

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Oh, I get it. The loop year thing, huh?

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Last time round I ended up pashing her, didn't I?

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You can't stand in the way of true love, Alex.

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Right! Well, I'm going to go find Sam.

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It's a bit stiff.

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-Wait.

-Just need a bit of a lift and a jiggle.

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Oh... Handle's come off.

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I don't believe it!

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This is exactly what happened last time!

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Well, we're going to have to stay in here

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and wait for the party to finish.

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As long as Sam doesn't find us and get Justin

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to start fixing things, everything should be OK.

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Way to party, Alex. What are we supposed to do in here?

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Stand around telling stories?

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Did I ever tell you about the time my rabbit Bugsy came back

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from the dead?

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Help! Help! Help, get me out!

0:16:180:16:22

Alex, is that you in there?

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Um...

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No.

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SHE GROANS

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-By the way, I'm Sam.

-No!

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-Well, aren't you handy!

-I'm pretty capable.

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Hey, Sam. Nice party.

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What were you doing in the shed? And what did you do to the hall rug?

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If Mum and Dad see that, they'll ground us till we're 40.

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Chill, Sam, it's only grape juice.

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Or so I heard.

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Just soak it with white vinegar. It'll come right off.

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-I can give you a hand if you like.

-Like? I'd love that.

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I can do it. I love stains! And Simon'll help.

0:17:130:17:16

It's his fault. Isn't that right, Simon?

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Let's dance, Sam.

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You should see my smoking moves!

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-They've made contact, Alex.

-We can still stop the pash.

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No power cut, no exploding stereos, no romantic darkness.

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Wow... You really are across this.

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Was there ever a doubt?

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-Well...

-I'll watch the stereo. You go stop Sam and Justin.

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Go, go, go, go, go, go.

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-Are you right?

-Me? I'm fine.

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You, not so sure.

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-Alex!

-What are you on about?

-I mean, you're a guest.

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You should go and have fun.

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-What?

-Go on, go party.

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Um, OK, I guess.

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What are you doing?

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Helping you clean the rug.

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Idiot!

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RINGTONE

0:18:110:18:13

(Mum.)

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SMASH!

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Was that my phone? I swear I just heard my phone.

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Yeah. Yeah, I think I heard it coming from upstairs.

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-Yeah, sausages!

-Barbecue, yeah!

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You're not doing any cheese on toast, are you?

0:18:580:19:01

No, mate, just sausages.

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Yeah, good.

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Keep it that way. I'm on to you.

0:19:040:19:07

OK. Whatever you say, mate.

0:19:070:19:09

Still no drink on the stereo, Alex.

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Be very, very careful.

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SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

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I just warned him. Honestly!

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Aagh!

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-Check me out! I'm on fire!

-We all will be in a minute!

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There's still no drink on the stereo, Alex!

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You all right, mate?

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Sorry.

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THEY SHOUT AND SCREAM

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< Turn it off!

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-Sorry!

-Idiot.

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One less than last time. Wonder what happened to the other guy?

0:20:100:20:14

Still no drink, Alex.

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Oh!

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There you are.

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Aaghh!

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SPLASH!

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HE COUGHS

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You OK, buddy?

0:20:440:20:45

-I got the drink off the stereo, Alex.

-Here.

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Oops. Ginger beer.

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HE GAGS

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CHEERING

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CHEERING

0:21:190:21:21

LAUGHTER

0:21:210:21:23

Alex! Alex! Someone broke your stereo!

0:21:250:21:29

Alex!

0:21:290:21:30

Oh!

0:21:300:21:31

What's with the lights?

0:21:330:21:35

-Ow, who's that?

-It's me.

0:21:380:21:40

Oh, hello you.

0:21:400:21:42

ALEX COUGHS

0:21:430:21:45

-Hey!

-Yeah!

0:21:450:21:47

-Oh! Ewww!

-Ooh, sorry about that.

0:21:470:21:51

White vinegar should clean it right up.

0:21:510:21:53

No, that's it. Enough of the freak show.

0:21:530:21:56

-I'm out of here.

-Me too. This party is so over.

0:21:560:22:00

-Feel like pizza?

-You bet.

0:22:000:22:04

-Hi, I'm Sarah.

-I'm Justin.

0:22:040:22:06

Sarah the Snake.

0:22:060:22:08

-Yes, yes, yes!

-He's leaving.

0:22:080:22:10

This is all your fault!

0:22:100:22:12

CHATTER

0:22:150:22:18

Mum and Dad are going to kill us.

0:22:220:22:25

I found the fuse box under the stairs.

0:22:250:22:27

-Oh, and I found this.

-What the ...?

0:22:270:22:30

Alex...

0:22:310:22:32

You are so going to pay for this. All of this!

0:22:320:22:36

-Is she calling for pizza?

-I'm not ordering pizza.

0:22:360:22:38

SHE HUMS ALEX'S BATH SONG

0:22:380:22:40

You wouldn't, would you?

0:22:400:22:42

It's bath time.

0:22:420:22:44

FRONT DOOR OPENS

0:22:450:22:46

MUM GASPS

0:22:460:22:48

What... what are you doing back?

0:22:510:22:53

What do you mean, what are we doing back?

0:22:530:22:55

We've been calling, you haven't been answering your phone.

0:22:550:22:58

-Where is your phone?

-Right here.

0:22:580:23:01

SHE SENDS MESSAGE

0:23:010:23:03

MULTIPLE MESSAGE ALERTS

0:23:030:23:05

# Rubber ducky, you're the one

0:23:050:23:07

# You make bath time so much fun

0:23:070:23:10

# Rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you... #

0:23:100:23:14

You guys are grounded...

0:23:170:23:19

forever!

0:23:190:23:21

It was all Alex. He's the one who should be grounded, not me.

0:23:210:23:25

Mum! Mum, please listen to me.

0:23:260:23:29

-Everybody out.

-Out!

-Party's over. Thank you, good night.

0:23:300:23:34

So did it work? Did we save your sister?

0:23:340:23:38

I guess so.

0:23:380:23:39

Not that she'll ever know anything about it.

0:23:390:23:42

MESSAGE ALERT

0:23:420:23:44

What's this?

0:23:440:23:45

# Rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you

0:23:450:23:49

# Booty booty boo

0:23:490:23:52

# Rubber ducky... #

0:23:520:23:54

Sam, get out of the bathroom! What are you doing here?!

0:23:540:23:58

Why are you wearing a shower cap in the bath, Alex?

0:23:580:24:01

I really don't want to talk about it.

0:24:010:24:03

Ever.

0:24:030:24:05

Man, I hate parties.

0:24:050:24:06

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