Episode 8 Worst Year of My Life... Again

# I'm amazed at the things that you say

# I'd heard it all before

# Just another day

# January, February all the same

# March, April, May's coming back again

# Oh, why?

# Cos it's the worst year of my life again

# It's looped around and pulled me back in

# Now yesterday has come again

# Oh, no

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Worst year of my life again. #

ALARM CLOCK SOUNDS

HE GROANS

Too slow, chinface!

You all pumped for your big cross-country race today, Slug?

Cross-country?

That's my boy!

It's really not a big deal.

It's just a couple of guys jogging.

I want to save my energy for soccer.

Rubbish! Think of it as training.

A win at cross-country will prep you for a great soccer game.

It's not about winning, it's about having a go.

Having a go and winning. Winners are grinners.

What are you up to this afternoon, love?

Going to the tip

with that box of waste.

Toxic waste?

Box of waste.

From the garden clean-up.

I'm taking it to the tip.

Go for gold, son.

You know what to do.

Win, win, win!

Who's too slow now, slug?

Ow! My filling! I lost my filling!

You got to watch those nut bars!

-You want a lift?

-No, thanks.

Walking's good.

It's a good warm-up for the race.

Ah. It's a fine line.

You don't want to waste any of that vital energy.

Cross-country's all about stamina.

Energy stores.

What's that?

It's an ankle brace.

-You're not injured, are you?

-No, not yet...

but you can never be too careful,

especially when you want to win, win, win!

(That's my boy!)

Brilliant. What did you do?

Nothing. It's pretend. It's a pretend injury.

Oh, no, what happened?

I, um... I jumped over a wall.

Poor Alex.

Pretend injuries are the worst.

Cross-country running is the pits.

It's just jogging, and lots of it.

Yay! You can hang with me.

The girls' cross-country was yesterday.

And you're right, Alex, it was a lot of jogging.

Who won?

Nicola Grey.

She is deceptively streamlined.

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to go congratulate her.

No, you shouldn't.

-Come on, Toby!

-Chuck it over here.

-Bag!

Toby. Bag.

Come on.

King!

-You can't hit me. I've got an accident.

-Bag!

-Juice!

-Don't have...

-Bag.

Nice one, mate.

Oh, hey,

Nicola.

-Congrats on the race.

-Loser.

Um, yeah.

Congrats on getting juiced.

Ugh.

Smooth, Alex.

Real smooth.

What's this?

It's the new trophy for cross-country.

And the winner of the boy's race goes here

with his photo right next to Nicola's.

I suppose so.

Side by side.

Immortalised together for all of eternity.

You know, I love cross-country.

It'll prep me for a good soccer match.

Lost property?

Oh, this is disgusting.

Why didn't you bring your own gym stuff?

Because I wasn't going to run.

Anything in there?

Why don't you run in your school uniform?

Cos Norris'll never let me. Keep looking!

All of this to get a silly, sweaty-faced photo

next to some girl?

Why else would you want to win stupid cross-country?

Have you trained?

Of course he hasn't.

Don't worry, Alex, I'll be your coach.

I'll ride my bike alongside you, shouting helpful things.

-Like what?

-"Keep running".

Why would he stop running?

He won't. He'll have me motivating him.

I don't need motivation.

Oh! Score!

No! No, there has to be something else.

-Oh, my God. What a loser.

-Are you serious?

That's so embarrassing.

Right! Shut up!

You all know the course, same as always.

But because so many of you are lazy cheats,

I'll cheat-proof the race.

I've set up three checkpoints,

here, here and here.

You must get a token at each of these checkpoints.

You cannot win the race unless you have all three tokens.

Right.

Turning left out of the school gates,

you run past the car park and on towards St Ray.

It goes all the way up to the park.

Do not go through the park.

Go around the park and then...

He's the one to beat.

-Norris?

-Troy!

No way I'm letting his sweaty face go up next to Nicola. No way!

Watch it!

..service station, and on to the right.

Four more blocks until you reach checkpoint one.

Don't, I repeat, do not...

OK, on your marks...

Get set!

HOOTER MAKES A FAINT SQUEAK

-HE SHOUTS:

-Er, go, go!

HE GROANS

-Short cut?

-Cheat cut.

So much for Norris's cheatproofing.

Keep running!

See, he's stopped already. He does need me.

I've stopped because there's no point even racing.

No matter what I do, they're still going to win.

Unless you cheat as well.

Fight fire with fire.

Strike while the iron's hot.

-What's good for the goose is good for the gander...

-No!

Look, Alex, you could not cheat,

and that would mean the meatheads would end up in the trophy cabinet

with Nicola for all eternity. So...

I can't let that happen...

to Nicola.

You're cheating to save Nicola?

Yeah. Yeah! Yeah, absolutely.

So, I figure that if we catch the number 605,

that will drop us off just before the first checkpoint.

You were planning to cheat all along?

-No.

-Then why do you have the bus timetable in your gym shorts?

Do you really want to get started on my gym shorts?

Right, let's go.

Stop running!

-OVER LOUDSPEAKER:

-Stop getting on the bus!

-OVER LOUDSPEAKER:

-Stop sitting on the bus!

-OVER LOUDSPEAKER:

-Stop travelling on the bus!

Oh, look!

HE LAUGHS

Get down, idiot! Don't let them see us!

Only two more stops and we'll be at the first checkpoint.

Might even be ahead of Parker and Howe.

What? What is it?

Shh.

But why can't I see Dr Chadwick?

He's on leave. But Dr Gillick is really nice.

Looks a bit like George Clooney.

Well, you know, sort of a dentistry George Clooney.

Dr Gillick looks nothing like Clooney.

He's got a great big parrot nose!

Shhh!

I look like Clooney.

You know what, I'll sort this out. Use my charm.

No, don't!

Then they'll know I was cheating.

Dad'll blow his top.

We just have to wait here until they get off.

Oh, no, it's the first checkpoint!

Nice work. Really great.

How is this my fault? You're the one that wanted to take the bus.

Look!

Lousy cheats!

Are they ever getting off?

Where is this stupid Clooney dentist, Mongolia?

Four stops past our checkpoint!

I can count!

But if we sprint back to the checkpoint, then grab a bus,

we're still in this. We can still win the race.

Tickets, please.

We did have tickets, but they were only for three stops.

Then we had to stay on for four because my sister got on

-and she had a filling and then...

-Fare evading is no laughing matter.

You will be fined in accordance with clause 27, 10.C,

subsection 3, paragraph 8

of the Public Transport Act.

Can't we just pay you now?

Are you attempting to bribe an officer

at the Public Transport Authority?

-No.

-Good.

So you two fare dodgers

won't mind accompanying me back to the depot, then.

We're in a cross-country race.

On a bus?

-Come on.

-He would have been one of the first through.

I'm telling you, Alex hasn't been past my checkpoint.

Everyone else has.

Well...

Keep running!

You never went to the first checkpoint.

You two aren't very good at cheating.

We've blown the stupid race.

All I want is for Nicola to notice me in a way

that doesn't involve public humiliation.

One lousy little photo could have changed everything.

She might have seen it, and ...

But what do I get?

I get to be dressed like the human scab.

I get to come in last and see some other sweaty face photo

-next to Nicola.

-What's he doing here?

-We've ended up right near school.

-Ahead of Troy and all the others.

This is excellent!

We don't have the stupid checkpoint tokens.

They're not stupid. They're very practical and beautiful.

What are you talking about?

-Are they...?

-I got them when I ran yesterday.

Aren't they pretty?

I saw them first.

Stop running. They're mine!

Give them to me. They're mine.

It's more realistic if I win!

They're mine. Give 'em back!

Let go.

Yes!

Right!

Two boys, and only one set of tokens.

Detention for the both of you

from now until the end of term.

Short cuts are supposed to be short, idiot. Less running, less work.

Parker! Howe! Detention for the rest of the term.

Thank you.

You did so great.

Too slow, Slug.

You know what, chinface? Have it,

because you need all the brain food you can get.

Hey, Dad, you should wish Alex luck.

He's got his big cross-country race today.

I sure have.

Alex doesn't need luck.

We've been out training every morning this month.

-You're going to win, aren't you, champ?

-That's the plan.

Don't take it too seriously, Alex. It's not just about winning,

-it's about having a go.

-Winners are grinners.

That's my boy.

-You know what to do.

-BOTH:

-Win, win, win!

Oi! Whoa!

-Yo!

-Yep.

-You want a lift?

-Love one. Got to save my vital energy for the race.

Cross-country's all about stamina.

And energy stores.

That's my boy! Hop in.

Let's do this.

Keys.

Now, remember, no running before the race.

Win, win, win!

-Oooh!

-Oh, oh!

Oh, I am so sorry, Sir! I didn't see you there.

Don't touch me, King! You've done more than enough already.

You should go see the school nurse, sir.

You should probably go to detention, for the rest of the term!

HE SCREAMS

Hang on, so you're telling me that I didn't win last time round?

-Troy won.

-No way.

For the rest of last year,

every time I walked past this stupid cabinet

I had to look at him and Nicola,

immortalised together for all of eternity.

It's not exactly eternity, is it? I mean, it's not there now.

Sometimes, you got to love the loop year thing.

So, how are you going to cheat this time round?

I'm not. I've been training on the actual course and I'm sticking to it.

I'm going to win it for real, on my own.

No, really, what's the plan?

That is the plan.

Last time I cheated, and the universe punished me.

Keep running!

-Helmet?

-I'm his coach. That's what I do.

She's really good at it.

-Keep running!

-Yeah, thanks.

That is some really handy advice.

Thanks to her, we've got my time down to 42 minutes.

That's two minutes under what Troy did last time.

-Thank you.

-Better congratulate Nicola.

Oi, Nicola!

What are you doing?

You don't call for Nicola to come to you, you go to her!

Everybody...everybody knows that.

Oh, please.

In a few hours, we're going to be trophy buddies.

Practically equals.

-You do this to me every day.

-Parker!

Nicola!

Sorry, it wasn't my fault...

Loren.

-Bag.

-Do I have to?

-Bag!

Juice.

Did you beckon me?

I, um, yeah. I just...

I wanted to say congratulations for the race.

Thanks.

Great photo, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, no, it looks just like you.

"Looks just like you."

-Just... Seriously?

-Yep.

Real smooth, Alex. Real smooth.

Just started training?

You wish. Been training all week.

Only a week?

Oh, well, it's not all about winning, it's about having fun,

right, mate?

Right, shut up!

If you want to know why we're starting 30 minutes late

it's because some of us had to get our noses fixed,

after being assaulted by bag-wielding hooligans...

No naming names, King.

Now, you all know the course.

But because so many of you are lazy cheats,

I've cheat-proofed the race.

So I've set up three checkpoints.

Here, here and here.

Watch it!

You must get a token at each one of these checkpoints.

You cannot win the race unless you have all three tokens.

Turning left outside the school gates,

and then you go all the way down. Just find the course.

OK, on your marks...

Get set...

-HORN BLOWS

-Go go go go go!

-Short cut!

-Cheat cut.

-But the meatheads will win.

Nuh-uh. Troy's the one to beat.

Keep running! You can do it, Alex. Keep going!

-Simon?

-Yeah, you go on, all right?

I think I might just have a bit of a...bit of a cheeky stretch.

-All right, then.

-Yeah.

Token?

Yeah.

Ah, you've got a little something...

Just something there. Just...

Detour? There was no detour last time.

The race started 30 minutes late, Alex.

-You changed the timeline.

-I hate it when I do that.

Excuse me! Excuse me. Excuse me, what's happened here?

The road's closed. You can't come through.

A broken water main.

Can I please just go through?

I don't care if my feet get wet.

I require you to follow the detour signage

in accordance with clause 27-3,

paragraph 10CC-U2

of the Public Safety Act.

Now, what part of "detour" don't you understand?

I have to stick to this course. It's what I was meant to do last time.

And Troy's getting ahead. Way ahead.

All right, rehydrate, reenergise, regroup.

We'll think of something.

CAR BEEPS

Keep up your energy.

Win, win!

Whoa.

Ah!

My filling!

What's all that?

It's a box of waste.

Toxic waste?

No, this is all just a big misunderstanding.

This is all just garden clippings and worm wee, you know?

I'm in a race, surely you can let me go.

Can't I pay a fine or something?

-Are you attempting to bribe an officer of the fire brigade?

-No!

Back!

OK, let him have it.

Missed a bit.

You've got the all-clear.

Looks like it was indeed worm urine.

Another pretend emergency.

Pretend emergencies are the worst.

Go on, get out of here.

It's been an hour.

Troy will have finished by now. Everyone will have finished by now.

Sorry you didn't win, Alex.

But at least you didn't cheat,

or steal my ribbons...yet.

I'm not going to steal your ribbons.

What's the point?

Troy's the winner, again.

Troy's trophy buddies with Nicola, again.

-Troy's going to end up dating Nicola...

-Alex,

Troy won a race, not a girl.

Yeah, but this is how it started last time.

They got all close over this and then by the end of the holidays...

What?

You were cheating.

Even though you ran fair and square,

you were still trying to cheat at winning Nicola.

You can't use the loop year like that. It's wrong.

You know what?

You're right.

I was being a cheater, but not now.

I trained for this.

Keep running!

Oh, keep cycling! Go!

The magic word?

Please!

-OVER LOUDSPEAKER:

-Keep running, Alex.

HE SCREAMS: Yes! Yes!

Well done, King.

-You've come second.

-What?

Don't get cocky.

At 1 hour and 53 minutes, it's the slowest second in school history.

And it's certainly not getting you out of detention.

But...everyone else?

Nobody else got more than a single ribbon.

Came in babbling on about detours and leaky pipes.

They're all a bunch of cheaters if you ask me.

-HE SHOUTS OVER LOUDSPEAKER:

-A bunch...of...cheaters!

Go home!

Go on, get...

Everyone got lost?

Bunch of lemmings, they were.

-Cute and furry?

-No, stupid and lost.

And who won the race?

It was Troy, wasn't it?

Then who?

He was so slow that the detour was gone.

What are you so happy about? You didn't win.

But I didn't lose either.

You're right, Alex. Runner-up takes talent.

It's winning once removed.

So, you lost.

Oh, man, I've got to go see Dr Gillick.

Who?

You know, the dentist that looks like George Clooney?

Oh, him, I think he looks more like a parrot.

Thank you!

And you look more like George Clooney.

-BOTH:

-Thanks!