Mummy Returns Young Dracula

Now fly into my arms.

Come on fly! Fly like a bat.

Dad, this is stupid.

It's not stupid, it's fun! Now, come on,

every young vampire must learn how to fly.

-Why haven't you taught me?

-Ingrid, it's because you're a girl.

Look,

-I've got to get to school.

-You did it! You flew!

From the table to the ground.

Oh, my son and heir!

Where's my money bag?

Dad, for the last time, I can't... believe it!

I can fly!

You're not seriously giving him £10 for that?! That's so unfair!

Oh, Ingrid, darling,

I shall never understand this irrational jealousy

of my favourite child.

Vlad, let's see you flying from up there.

What?!

-Erm...

-Yeah, come on. Let's see you in action.

I'd love to, but... I'd better not be late for school.

-Bye.

-I wouldn't be treated like this if Mum was here.

Well, she isn't, is she?

So tough peasants!

-Dad, what are you doing?

-Sssh!

Vampire surveillance.

Can't we give slaying a rest?

No, we can't. I know Vlad's a vampire! I just need to prove it!

-No, what you need is help!

-Ow!

Thank you, boys. Just down here will be fine.

Not YOU,

the bag! Go on, scram!

Ooh. Someone got out of their coffin the wrong side!

Ingrid's sulking cos I can fly, and she can't.

You'll be flying through the window if you carry on!

Oh, and by the way...

Mum says hello.

Mum?! You've spoken to Mum?

-I've asked her to stay for a couple of days.

-You did what?!

Don't you want to see her?

Which mum are we talking about?

I'm thinking of the back-stabbing witch from hell!

Cool! She sounds like a proper vampire.

You two haven't got a fang between you.

Just you wait till I'm 16, Branagh.

-Are you OK, Vlad?

-Yeah. Why shouldn't I be?

Gotcha!

THUD!

Ow.

So, I carry the one, and add up the columns, which makes...

3,921?

-Correct!

-Wow. I never realised doing homework could be so much fun!

You're joking. I'd rather have my tongue pulled out.

Don't say that when Mum gets here. Wouldn't want to give her ideas.

You think she'll turn up after letting us down?

Mum doesn't care about us.

-She ran off with a werewolf, get over it!

-Werewolf?

This gets better and better! Is he coming too?

Ignore her. My mum is NOT coming to stay!

Hello, darlings.

Oh, is that the time? Come on, Robin.

Oh, Mum, I've missed you. I hate living with Dad!

There, there, don't cry. No, really, don't.

It's Versace.

And how's my little Vladdy?

Goodness, haven't you changed?

-Not that much, I haven't.

-Oh, Vlad,

I didn't recognise you.

SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS

Who let the skunks out? Oh, it's you, Mistress Magda.

You're still around, are you?

Take my case up to the spare coffin, serf.

I'll see you all at dinner. Or for dinner, even.

Your mum's awesome!

Yeah, isn't she?

Dad'll be so pleased to see her.

-Out!

-But Bun-Buns...?

-And don't call me Bun-Buns!

Now go on, back to that manky dog you left me for!

Patrick and I have been having some problems.

-And you came crawling back to me, eh?

-I thought I'd pop in

for a drink and a chat. I brought our favourite tipple.

"French Aristocrat 1792"!

There's a spare towel in the airing cupboard.

But if I catch hide or hair of that werewolf,

you're straight out the door, psycho!

Wow! That's beautiful!

Just seeing the two of you back together.

I am so over her.

Did you think there was a bit of chemistry then?

ORGAN PLAYS

Is this your idea of a sick joke?

-They're Mum's favourite.

-You know what I mean. Dad'll get hurt again.

Dad, the cold-hearted Prince of Darkness?

Ow. These trousers are pinching a bit.

What are you wearing?

Hot stuff, eh? If Patrick can pull it off, then so can I.

-Ow!

-Dad, you don't need to dress up, just be yourself.

-You and Mum were meant to be together.

-Yeah, until she left us.

Stop being so NEGATIVE!

-Don't you want us to be a family?

-Not if she leaves. And she will.

We don't need another vampire trying to bite people's heads off.

How many people have I attacked since we got here?

-Dad, we've had 11 different postmen.

-Master Vlad has a point.

Hey! Let's get rid of her. I can put garlic in her soup.

Renfield.

Do you want these worms in your face?

I'd rather eat them.

RENFIELD SCREAMS

DOG BARKS

You hear that, Jonno?

Another innocent victim of the evil Count Dracula.

-You actually saw him bite someone?

-Yes.

Sort of.

No.

Well, sharpen the wooden stakes. The guy's clearly a vampire!

They're vampires. There's even a mother vampire. I heard it.

Dad, trust me. I spend all day with Vlad.

-I think I'd know if...

-That's it!

-What is?

Here's me doing all this secret surveillance

when you're in his class.

Jonno, you will be my mole!

Mole? I'm not being anyone's "mole".

I'll be your special agent.

Hey, that's my boy. Special agent. Code name...

Mole.

So, how do I look, Vladdy?

Desperate?

Fantastic!

Mum's never going to come back and live here.

And why would we want the world's worst mum back anyway?

She's selfish, manipulative and totally evil.

-Hi, Mum.

-Vlad, darling,

why do you hate me?

I don't...hate you.

I just don't want us all to get hurt again.

I mean, how long are you gonna stay this time?

Well, that's down to your father, isn't it?

THUMP! ORGAN PLAYS

I know I've been a bad mother, but we all make mistakes.

I just wish we could be a family again.

Well, Dad's not falling for it this time. Are you, Dad?

-Oh, Magda.

-Oof!

-Oh, Bun-Buns.

-Welcome home.

THUMP! ORGAN STOPS

-Now Mum's back, I want Vlad's room.

-That sounds fair.

Hang on, Dad gave ME that room. Didn't you, Dad?

-Vlad, just do as your mother says.

-But, Dad!

It's me, your son and heir.

Vladdy. You're not going to let them take away my room, are you?

I'm going on a chat show

called Mum's A Two-Timing, Blood-Sucking Vampire,

-My Dumb-Wit Sister Asked Her To Live With Us!

-Get over it. Mum's back.

Until full moon when she runs off with another werewolf.

OK, firstly, that's not going to happen.

And, secondly...

I've got your room now.

Sucker!

BANG!

-That's it, I must get rid of her.

-Are you serious?

-She'll ruin it all. Dad's thrown me out of my room.

-Worse things happen.

It's not just that. She's done this ever since we were little -

turns up, promises the world, then leaves.

I can't go through it again.

OK, it's a bit radical but there is one way to get rid of her.

Remember what your dad was saying?

If he found hide or hair of that werewolf, she'd be out the door.

Mmm, nice idea, Chloe, but where are we going to find werewolf hair?

Eh? Uh, I'm just going for a...

Um...

No-o-o-o-o!

And, of course, we'll need a bigger coffin.

Magda, please, I'm trying to sleep.

ZOLTAN HOWLS

What was that?

-Sounded like a...

-Werewolf hair! All over the upstairs bathroom.

What?

Mum, you can sneak your boyfriend in

but tell him to clean round the plughole.

Out!

-But, Bun-Buns...?

-Go on, out, witch!

Dad, please, just give her one more chance.

-You can give that room back to Vlad.

-What? Just because Mum...

..Betrayed us all?

I warned you this might happen.

Aargh!

Ooh!

Ah... Bun-Buns, it's still daylight out there.

I mean, where am I supposed to go?

It won't work.

-You say we should help the homeless.

-Robin, it's a nice idea,

-but we can't just have any old tramp...

-Ahem.

..homeless person staying in the...

Hi. I'm Graham.

Please allow me.

No, I've got it!

I've got it!

Let go.

THEY SQUABBLE

-So, Vlad, now we know the truth.

-What truth?

-The werewolf hair.

I'm sorry you had to find out about your mother.

-Yeah.

-You defended the family honour, you know what that means.

-Dad, I'm leaving.

-Right, cheerio.

I'm not joking. Let Mum back or I'm walking.

OK. Oh, and Ingrid...

close the door when you leave.

You've asked for it. I'm going to the Branaghs',

I'll get attention round there.

Oh, there must be something in this house I can eat!

-Sorry you didn't like the carbonara.

-Ah!

Who's this then?

Oh, that's us at our wedding.

I bet you broke a few hearts when you got married.

Actually, we never got married. I couldn't see what was in it for me.

-It's a celebration of love and commitment.

-If Dad dies,

-Mum gets everything.

-Robin!

-Robin!

-Excuse me.

-Really?

So if I was to marry Countie, for example,

and he happened to meet with a... violent accident,

I'd get the castle?

Yes, but it doesn't look like he'll marry you now, does it?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, don't all rush at once(!)

Chin up, Magda.

-Lots of people would give their right arm to marry you.

-Yeah.

Well...

..it's the NECK I'm after.

Mum!

Ingrid! What are you doing here?

I've left Dad. From now, I'll be living with you.

Oh, wonderful(!)

ZOLTAN SNORES

-Dad? It's the middle of the night!

-Exactly.

-Time for your next flying lesson.

-What?

-Go on, out boy! Fly!

-Fly like the wind!

-But, Dad, I can't fly!

-But I gave you £10.

All right, I lied.

Oh... Oh, well, never mind.

-Night, Vladdy.

-Is that it?

-Aren't you at least going to say you're disappointed?

-How could I?

I mean, if it wasn't for you finding that werewolf hair,

that cheating mother of yours would still be here,

running her ice-cool fingers through my hair.

You really love her, don't you?

Love her?!

Whatever gave you that idea?

Night, Vlad.

-Ingrid?

-Yes, you can carry my bag.

-Why would I want to carry your bag?

What's your mum's favourite music? I'm doing a compilation CD.

-What, for my mum?

-Sad, isn't it?

Do you think she'll like this?

Argh!

Argh! Argh!

-All right, Ingrid?

-YES!

How's Mum?

What do you care?

I hope she wasn't feeling too guilty,

you know, about the werewolf hair.

-Mum's FINE. Sends her love.

-Really?

What do YOU think?!

So there's your target, Agent Mole.

Go over there and get them talking.

Find out if the mother's arrived.

And, remember...

-act normal.

-Huh, look who's talking(!)

What's up with you?

Nothing's up. Apart from ketchup sandwiches, AGAIN!

So no twinges of guilt about the werewolf hair?

No! I definitely did the right thing.

It's just... Dad does seem really upset.

I mean, what if him and Mum were meant to be together?

Hey, dudes, mind if I join you?

BOTH: Yes!

Thanks. So I hear your mum's visiting?

-You heard wrong.

-Hey, Vlad, does your mum like slugs at all?

-Robin!

Oh, right, yeah, mum's the word, absolutely.

But it's so cool having her living at ours.

-BOTH:

-Robin!

-Really?

No!

You sup with the devil and you'll become one!

-Have you any idea what was in that sandwich?!

-Tomato ketchup.

And half a beetle... Eurgh!

ROBIN: Come on. Let's go.

-So it wasn't blood?

-Of course it wasn't blood.

Maybe you're not cut out for this. What have we learned? Nothing.

So you knew Vlad's mum was living round the Branaghs', did you?

So it's true then? The Countess herself has come to town.

I think it's time we paid her a visit.

-"Vermin Busters"?!

-Clever, eh?

-And you reckon we won't get recognised?

-No.

Bye, Mr Van Helsing.

Right, that's it, I'm going home.

-Jonno!

-No, Dad. You're just so embarrassing!

From now on you're on your own. Goodbye.

DOORBELL RINGS

Good afternoon, Madam. Vermin Busters here.

I believe you may have some unwanted guests in your house.

-I beg your pardon?

-I'm here to exterminate vermin.

-Vermin?

-Yes, vermin!

-Pests! Parasites!

-I think you may have got the wrong house.

Behind you. Vamp... I mean, vermin! Vermin.

What?! Magda, you mean? How dare you!

She may come from a different cultural heritage

-but that's no excuse for bigotry!

-But...

I'm sorry about that, Magda.

Call me for a free extermination!

Good day, Mr Vermin Buster! I'll put this rubbish straight in the bin.

Actually, no, I'll take that, thank you.

I may have some "vermin" of my own to attend to.

So, are the twins not falling at your feet any more?

-I thought they went for the whole vampire look?

-They do.

-So what's the problem?

-Mum is the problem.

I wish I'd never asked her to stay.

-I did warn you she might be trouble.

-Trouble?!

She's a selfish old witch! You know what?

-I'm glad Dad chucked her out.

-Really?

She deserves everything she gets.

So...if, for example, it turned out that I hadn't

-actually found werewolf hair in the plughole.

-Vlad...

did you or did you not find werewolf hair in the plughole?

-Not as such, no.

-You little maggot!

As you said, it's a good thing it happened. She was bound to leave us.

But what if it had worked out? We could have been happy together.

I know, I messed up. I'm sorry.

Well, maybe there's a way we can fix it.

Your father sent me this?!

You know, Mum, I think he still loves you.

Your mother sent me this?!

Yikes, she must really hate me.

No, Dad, it's a token of affection.

Well, if she thinks she can win me over with some cheap bit of fluff.

DOOR RATTLES

Darling, I'm sorry!

No, I'm sorry!

-Marry me.

-Marry you?

Well, we don't want to rush things

but how are you fixed for tomorrow night?

I can't believe this. Mum's going to stay forever!

-It's like a fantastic dream.

-A nightmare.

Vlad, wake up! Your mum's up to something, I'm sure of it.

Chloe, don't interfere. This is my big day. I mean, Vlad's big day.

Now... How do I look?

Cool!

Darling, your phone, it's... "Vermin Busters".

Ah, yes, the DJ.

HE SNIFFS Mwah!

Vladdy! Let me check you.

Vermin Busters?!

Mm-hm. Mmm?

You're late!

The bag's heavy.

Well, let's get on with it.

ORGAN STRIKES UP It's seven o'clock, where is she?

Dad, relax, it's going to be fine.

Grrf! Gnrrrf!

Robin! Listen, we have to stop the wedding.

-Oh, give it a rest, Chloe.

-Magda is in league with Mr Van Helsing!

-She'll marry the Count and then bump him off.

-Wow, that's really evil.

And wrong, of course.

So, after the ceremony, I will lure him upstairs.

You spring out, slay him and the castle shall be mine.

And what's to stop me from slaying you as well, mm?

I'm joking, obviously.

I'll be upstairs.

What are we going to do?

There's only one thing to do. Tell Vlad.

ORGAN PLAYS THE WEDDING MARCH

Vlad, hold my phone.

We are gathered here today, to witness

the joyless union between two vampires.

-Get off!

-BOTH: Van Helsing!

FLAPPING AND BAT SQUEAKS

Is that you...

..Dracula?

Skulking around in the dark,

like the dead rat you are.

Well...

..prepare to meet Van Helsing.

HE SCREAMS

Vlad, I'd get that old sewage chute blocked up if I were you.

Yeah, someone could have a really bad accident.

Hey, Vlad, high five!

Sorry. I don't see what's to celebrate.

We've beaten Van Helsing.

-Your dad's safe.

-Safe to marry the woman who tried to slay him?

What if she tries again?

This is what I've been saying all day. You must stop the wedding.

How? I can't tell Dad about Van Helsing, can I?

-He'll move us all back to Transylvania.

-What are you gonna do?

I don't know, Robin.

I just wish I'd never trusted my mum again.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

And so, before we move on to the vows, I must ask

if any person knows any reason...

any reason whatsoever,

why these two should not be joined together in matrimony?

No-one?

Are you sure?

Stop the wedding! She doesn't love you.

-Of course she does. She sent me that animal to prove it.

-No, she didn't.

It was me and Ingrid.

Shut it, Vlad.

So the kids got us back together, who cares?

I still love you, darling.

-ZOLTAN:

-Ah!

-That's good enough for me.

Renfield, carry on.

All right, fine. But if she loves you,

how come she's still getting calls from Patrick?

VOICEMAIL: 'Wolfie here. Good luck with getting your hands on

'the castle. Just having my back waxed.'

RIP! 'Ow!

'I'll see you tonight for a celebration.'

PATRICK HOWLS

What?

Some people have no sense of humour.

Come on, Ingrid, let's go to Monte Carlo.

What? to live with you and Patrick? No way!

Dad might be a pain in the neck, but at least he doesn't moult!

Bye, Mum.

Bye, darlings. I'll see you soon.

TV BLARES

QUIET GAME SOUND EFFECTS

How d'you get on? Slay any vampires?

NOISY ZAPS AND SHOUTS

-GAME SWITCHED OFF

-What happened to you?

I nearly had him, Jonno. I nearly slayed a vampire.

-Course you did.

-I did! I swear!

And the next time,

I will triumph. Believe me, the name Van Helsing will be spread

far and wide.

Yeah, it's the smell of Van Helsing that's spreading right now.

GAME CONTINUES

Well, Vladdy, if it wasn't for you,

I'd be off on honeymoon

with that vile, cold-hearted, treacherous woman.

-Why did you have to ruin it for me?

-Because, Dad, she doesn't love you.

Of course she doesn't - she's a vampire, stupid!

It would have been so nice to have her back. Oh, Magda!

Magda?

No...

Renfield.

ALL SCREAM