Slaytime TV Young Dracula

Master, no! No, no, no! Sorry, Master!

How many times have I told you, Renfield?

You feed me one more cup of tomato juice...

-But, Master, I...

-I don't want excuses!

I want fresh blood!

I am trying, Master! But the paperboy got wise to my traps!

Dad, you promised to be careful! Do I need to spell it out for you?

-M-O-B?

-I am Count Dracula, not Spell Dracula.

M-O-B spells angry peasant mob howling for your dust.

I know that! But I'm bored.

Vladdy, tomorrow you'll stay home and entertain me!

Invite your friends, mmm, we can play Murder In The Dark.

For the last time, no!

If you need entertaining...

-get a TV.

-You want me to stare at a glass box all day?

I'd rather be dead!

-And I am.

-METAL CLANGS

And I love it. No TV and that's final!

-If we get to do evil stuff, I'll stay home.

-It's settled...

I shall buy a television!

You, go barter with the peasants for their finest television. And you,

clear up this mess.

Why can't Vlad do it? It's because he's a boy, isn't it?

No! It's cos he's my son, he's my future, my dreams, he is...

Going round to Robin's.

Then I'm going too.

And you can't stop me!

Fine! Fine, just remember to polish my coffin when you get home.

Ugh!

BIRDS SCREECH

I can't believe you talked me into a stakeout.

We're slayers! It's our duty to fight the forces of darkness...

Sssh! They're coming out!

Off to commit evil deeds, no doubt.

Or maybe going to hang out with mates?

-What a great idea.

-Oh, no!

-You're in Vlad's class.

You must befriend him. Gain his trust.

The mask will slip, and then it's out with the stakes.

Invite him for dinner?

Sometimes I think your heart just isn't in slaying.

Of course it is, Dad. It's just...

What if I was to try to get close to Ingrid instead?

You're a chip off the old stake!

-Robin, wanna smell my flower? Do I look stupid?

-Just play along!

We're trying to win You've Been Shamed! Be on TV!

I'm gagging to embarrass myself in front of my friends(!)

How many times? You haven't got any friends.

Robin, your friends are here!

Ingrid, knew you couldn't keep away!

-We're gonna make you a star!

-What do you mean, "make"?

-You know, You've Been Shamed?

-No.

-People make funny movies to send in.

For a prize of £1,000!

We'll win with you as our leading lady!

Have you clowns ever made a movie before?

-We've been doing it for years.

-Yeah?

They film our holidays on Dad's clapped-out camcorder.

-Our masterpieces.

-Ten years' of holidays!

Merthyr Tydfil?

-Pontypridd?

-I'd forgotten about this - Transylvania!

-BOTH:

-What?!

-1994...holiday in Transylvania.

That's just a few miles from our old castle!

I don't remember going.

It was years ago.

Put it on.

Put it on!

-'I can play with this, not you!

-Yes, I can!

'Steady, it's not a toy.

'Give me the camera, smelly.

-'Come on.

-I can play, not you!'

Spielberg'll be panicking so much(!)

I've been to Transylvania and never knew!

You're lucky to have lived there.

-I'd give anything to switch lives with you.

-What?!

You don't fit into your family...

I don't fit into mine. I was in your village when I was a baby...

What if we were accidentally swapped round?

I know you don't fit in, but that's cos

you're individual, not because you're a vam...

-a Vlad.

-It would explain a lot, though.

-Well, I'm convinced.

-When are you moving out?

Master, why don't you let me entertain you?

Cos I don't think I can survive another hour of

-Transylvanian Twist.

-Are you sure?

I've made a new sparkly leotard.

Now, let's see what mindless trash passes for entertainment these days.

Up a bit...

-left a bit...just right.

-MUSIC PLAYS ON TV

-Master, I think you should know that I'm in agonising pain.

-Perfect.

Hold it there!

Fantastic. You got the TV!

We're finally normal!

No son of mine is normal. You're banned from watching this thing!

It'll turn you into a sheep-like native!

Ingrid, you can watch it if you like.

I hope you get hooked on that breather box.

It will have no affect on me. I am incorruptible! Watch this!

Boring...

boring...boring...

A TV THEME TUNE PLAYS

Morning, Dad.

Dad?

Good old blood-free toast. The perfect breakfast!

Has he been watching TV all night?

Looks like it. OK, Dad, I'm off to school.

Bye, Dad. Bye, Vlad. See ya.

'Sheila, you're here! My wife and I have waited a long time...'

-(I thought you were incorruptible?)

-Shhh, quiet.

Sheila is about to find out if Edna is really her daughter!

-Doesn't she know?

-Of course not, foolish girl.

She has amnesia!

'Here are the results of your DNA test.

'I'm sorry to tell you, Edna is not your daughter!

-'However,

-I

-am your son!'

-Huh?

-Oh!

Well, I didn't see that one coming!

Of course not, it's really far-fetched and stupid.

Oh, just go to school, Ingrid!

I don't believe this! You love TV more than your children.

I don't. I just love TV more than my daughter.

Huh!

-Have you eaten garlic?

-Yes, Dad.

What if she asks you to see her coffin?

-I'm not that sort of boy. Can I go now?

-Wait.

I, er...

I got you these.

You're a slayer now, my son.

Yeah, uh...thanks.

OK, how about this?

Bistritz Beer Festival, 1994.

My parents drink ale and push the wrong pram.

-That's possible?

-Um.

-Think about it, that's all.

OK...

Can I stop now? I'm starting to worry about you.

Worry about yourself, zombie snot.

What have I done now?

You made Dad buy that TV. I'm now his third favourite.

Come on, you know that's not true.

You forgot Renfield - you're fourth favourite!

-Hey, Ingrid!

-What?!

-Um, don't you want your homework?

-Oh, yeah...thanks.

I'm sorry I snapped.

-It's my brother, he really bugs me.

-Don't worry about it.

Yeah, we understand.

-You do?

-Yeah.

You have met Robin?! He's delusional.

-He goes on about being swapped at birth.

-Shame he wasn't.

That'd solve all our problems.

Yes...

yes, it would, wouldn't it?

It really would!

Thank you. I owe you.

-In that case...

-Will you be in our movie?

-Yeah, whatever!

-Safe!

We'll see you later then?

Ingrid, I couldn't help over-hearing you let the twins do your homework.

-Tell the headmistress. See if I care.

-That's not what I meant.

If you want something doing properly...ask.

As if!

Actually...there is something you can do for me.

Meet me in the library later.

You could've written Lord Of The Rings by now!

What's the rush? It's only homework...isn't it?

It's kind of more like an evil plot to destroy my brother.

Oh, OK, um, why?

Well, you see, with Vlad gone, I get the lot.

The castle, the coffins, my father's love...

You're not evil. You just want your dad to understand you.

How did you know?

Believe me, I know what it's like.

You know, I'm sensing a real connection here.

-So it's a shame I've got to kill you.

-What... kill me? Why?

-It's a vampire thing - what we do.

-A vampire?

Yep, now this is going to hurt a lot.

I'll hypnotise you so you don't scream.

Can't you hypnotise me so I forget

we ever had this conversation?

Oh, right. Nice plan, blood-spattered

clothes are so 1600s.

Ingrid is not a vampire.

Everything is perfectly normal.

And sort your hair out!

-What?

-Hello, Mr Count. Is Ingrid in?

-Who knows? Who cares?

-I am missing important TV.

-But she promised to star in our film!

Your film? How can YOU make a film?

-It's for You've Been Shamed.

-The winners get shown on national TV!

You mean, you can make your own television,

and win fame and glory, and all the peasants will worship and fear you?

-Uh, sort of.

-Do you want to help us?

-No, I'm going to steal your idea

and enter the competition myself.

Why do I have to do this stupid job?

Because we have cameramen and make-up girls! Now get dabbing!

Script editing lackey, come here!

Let's run through the script.

So, Renfield enters with a big bowl of blood.

-A big cream cake.

-He trips on a carelessly abandoned coffin lid.

-A skateboard.

-With hilarious results. I think we're ready for a take.

Make-up girl!

Ingrid!

RENFIELD SCREAMS

Ingrid!

Yes, Daddy?

We're going to have a long, frank discussion about job satisfaction -

-after you've cleaned up this mess.

-OK, Dad.

What's this?

"Top Secret. This diary belongs to Magda Westenra..."

That's your mother's private diary! Give it to me. Give it to me!

"Private.

"This means you, Countie!

"If I ever find out you've read this, I will twist your...

"until you... What?!".

I think maybe we should honour your mother's privacy?

ALL: Nah.

Let me read it, Dad. I'll find a good bit.

"July 7th, 1994.

"The Count is driving me mad, he is so sexist! He ignores our

"brilliant daughter and spends his time with Vladimir.

"He says, "Women don't have what it takes to be vampires.

"But I will show him."

-MAGDA:

-I'll swap Vlad with the baby from the boring British family.

They'll take him away and the Count will bring their baby up as his own!

Then we will see who's "Got what it takes"! Ha, ha, ha!

"Ha, ha, ha."

Mistress Magda always enjoyed a good laugh.

Vlad, my boy...

-you're not my boy!

-I knew it! I knew it!

I was on holiday in Transylvania 12 years ago!

I must be your son... Father!

Listen to yourselves! You sound like a soap plot!

-It sounds like a good soap plot.

-Yeah, right...

..Dad, you don't believe him,

do you?

Tell me more about this holiday in Transylvania.

Ah, if I might make a suggestion?

We should settle this as they do on TV...

with a DNA test!

What's a D and A test?

It's a scientific way of finding out relations.

Related?! I'm your son, Dad!

Proceed with the test.

THUNDER CLAPS

So, first I'll need a skin sample.

Um, you could just use a spatula?

Spoilsport!

RENFIELD CACKLES

Are we all ready to spin the Wheel of DNA?

If this is science, I'm a banana.

I'll peel you, clever clogs.

This is Transylvanian science - more accurate than British science.

Spin the wheel!

ELECTRICITY SPARKS

ALARM SOUNDS

Robin was your son all along. What a revelation(!)

-Can I have Vlad's room?

-No, you can't, I'm having Vlad's room...

-right, Dad?

-I thought you were supposed to be Vlad's friend?

Real vampires don't have friends.

I like this boy already.

Vlad, are you OK?

I can't believe it...

-I don't know what to do.

-You can start

-by clearing out my room.

-My room!

Children, children, this is no time to argue.

Just get this impostor out of my castle!

Dad!

Apparently not!

I thought this would please you, Master Vladimir.

Haven't you always wanted to be normal?

It's not that. It's Dad, I mean, Count Dracula.

I never thought he could be so horrible.

The name might have given you a clue. Are you ready to pack me now?

Wait. I want you to stay

and look after my so-called friend, Robin for me.

Really look after him, if you know what I mean.

I'm surprised, I thought you'd want me to make his life hell!

I was being ironic, Zoltan. It's a breather thing.

It's a breather thing...

-How did it go with Ingrid today?

-Ingrid is not a vampire.

-Everything is perfectly normal.

-What did she say to you? Exactly?

Ingrid is not a vampire.

Everything is perfectly normal.

Good garlic, the lad's been hypnotised! Look at me!

Hey, Dad. What's with the fingers?

-You've been hypnotised.

-I would've remembered!

No, you wouldn't! Now, concentrate.

Can you remember talking to Ingrid?

-No.

-I knew it.

Hypnotism's an old vampire trick.

Only trained slayers like me can resist.

But no vampire hypnotises my son and gets away with it.

-This'll involve wooden pointy things, isn't it?

-You betcha!

Tomorrow, we're going slaying! Again.

Like the new hairstyle.

-We'll call it Robin's First Flight.

-He doesn't stay in the air long.

So we'll run it in slow motion. You're doing well, my boy.

Look at that...

He's losing his reflection already.

Master, this "son" is no improvement on the last one!

Ignore him, Father, he's just jealous!

I'm a better vampire than Vlad. I'll prove it!

-How?

-Master...

there was one thing that Master Vlad would never do...

He would never let you bite the local peasants!

Mmmm. An excellent idea!

You'll catch me a nice juicy local for my dinner!

You can't sit there. People will think you're homeless.

-That's right, you are!

-Don't you think you've upset him enough?

It's a good start, but I can do better.

Very convenient, the way you "found"

-that diary.

-I thought so.

The good news is, Dad loves Robin.

How does it feel to be fifth favourite?

I'm sorry Ingrid.

What?

I didn't realise how bad it felt when Dad ignored you.

-Feeling guilty, Cruella?

-Of course not.

I'm a vampire, I've no conscience!

And no taste in lipstick!

-What do I do, Zoltan?

-You have two choices, Robin.

You can kidnap a peasant and go to prison for a long time.

Or you can disobey the Count, and be sent away like poor Vlad.

Poor, rejected, lonely Vlad...

All right, Zoltan! Enough. I'm going to do the right thing.

You're going to admit that you're not a vampire

and let Vlad come home?

No. I'm gonna play along and hope something turns up in time.

Don't know what you're grinning about.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Mum wants to know if you're staying tonight.

-And the rest of my life.

-Vlad, I just know Ingrid faked that diary.

-It wasn't her writing.

But was it your mum's?

You know, I've never seen my mum's writing.

-She was away all those years.

-Well, she must have written once?

Right! We're going up to the castle.

There must be a letter from Magda somewhere.

DRAMATIC TUNE PLAYS

Renfield!

Well done, Robin!

It's nice to see someone making an effort.

All we need now is your victim, Master Robin.

Give it up Dad, they're out! Can we go home now?

I suppose so.

It was unlocked! Typical vampire arrogance!

-Or they don't expect slayers to barge in with stakes and mallets?

-Maybe.

Grab your stake and mallet and barge in!

Dad, can we check they're vampires before we embarrass ourselves?

What do you suggest?

I'll go in first. If I see any vampires, I'll give you a shout.

Your first solo slaying!

I'm proud of you son.

I am so looking forward to this.

-About me being your son...

-Yes, you're doing very well.

Now, this juicy peasant, will it be here soon?

Um...

-how about an aperitif?

-Mmm.

How many times do I have to say it?

I hate

this stuff.

You are vampires!

And you...

are dinner.

No! Leave him alone!

Agh!

Dad! Help! Help!

COUNT GROWLS

Eh?

Cut! OK, people, that's a wrap!

What's going on?

Just our entry for You've Been Shamed.

Yeah, we're making a vampire movie.

-A comedy vampire movie.

-What rubbish!

-Dad, look...

they were making a movie.

We'll be off then, too, won't we, Dad?

-Yes.

-Ah, not so fast!

Who are you, anyway?

I'm Vlad's woodwork teacher. I, um,

came to do a

woodwork...inspection.

Everything seems to be in order.

Good day.

DOOR BANGS SHUT

They're vampires, Jonathan, and one day I'll prove it.

It's make-up! Did you see that guy playing the servant?

Nobody's really that ugly.

My dear boy! Your clever excuse saved me from that very small mob!

-Can I be your son again?

-If you love a boy

-like a son, then he is your son.

-Thanks, Dad!

But I only love Robin, because he is my real son.

Erm, actually, he isn't.

What?!

But the diary?

I faked it. It's been bugging me. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I knew you had a conscience!

No. It's just that he was so glad to be a vampire...

I couldn't stand the thought I'd made someone so...happy.

Vladdy, my boy!

You are my boy!

-So, I'm not a vampire after all? But I was so sure...

-I know.

You betrayed your friends, you were inhuman.

-You mean?

-Just cos you aren't a vampire,

doesn't mean you can't be evil!

-You're my best mate, you know that, don't you?

-I'm your only mate.

Exactly.

So, after all our adventures, everything is back to normal...

-just like on TV!

-Wait a minute, what about that DNA test?

What can I say?

I just don't like you.

Such drama! Such timing! I'm a cinematic genius!

I can't believe they actually showed it!

Master, I've had enough now.

Just one more zap, son?

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