A Matter of Life and Chess Young Dracula

Vlad, the idea is I make a move, you make a move.

Not I make a move, wait half an hour and then drop dead of boredom.

If you do,

do I win?

Just make a move!

OK, my horse takes your king.

How do you figure that out?

My horse canters up to your pawn, gallops round your bishop,

jumps over your queen and lands on your king, squishing him to a pulp.

Yes! You know, one day they might invent a computer that can beat me.

-Great, then we can hang out with it instead of you.

-Ha! Ha!

You don't have to be here. You don't even like chess.

I like chess. And you know why?

It's got absolutely nothing to do with vampires. No bats, no blood.

-All right, listen up!

-No slayers?

Miss Clelland's had an "unfortunate" accident on the way here,

so you'll be delighted to hear I'm taking the chess club this evening.

-ALL SIGH

-Very funny, now settle down.

And I suggest you concentrate.

But that's checkmate!

Only then will you become a grand chess master like the Great Chandu.

-Chan-who?

-Chan-du!

Chandu was a Hungarian Count from the 18th century

and remains the greatest chess player who ever lived.

I've never heard of him.

That's hardly surprising.

But I'm sure your father will know who he is.

Which reminds me, this is from the headmistress.

Oh, please. Not parents' evening?!

It's a reminder that ALL parents must attend.

If Dad sees this, it'll be a disaster.

I've got to get rid of it.

But Master Vlad, won't you get in terrible trouble?

-It's from your headmistress!

-I know.

And it'd be great for Dad take an interest in my school work,

but no, there's just no way,

it's too dangerous.

There, now that will be the end of it.

Parents' evening?!

What a marvellous idea!

Where did you get that letter?

Ingrid gave it to me. I have to say parents' evening sounds great fun.

You don't even know what it is.

Parents feasting on the blood of their least favourite offspring?

Not quite. It's where you come and talk to our teachers

-about how we're doing at school.

-Uh.

Sounds ghastly. In that case, I'm not going.

Oh, really, Vladimir, tell them you're not losing to a stuffed dog?

-He's a wolf!

-Either way, you're going to have to practise

if you want to be as good as me,

the greatest chess player to stalk the earth.

I thought that was The Great Chandu.

What did you say?!

The Great Chandu?

Mr Van Helsing said he was the best chess player in the world.

What did I say?!

I am the greatest chess player ever!

And I can prove it!

OK, as nice as it is to be involved in "family business" for once,

I was painting my nails.

Be quiet, Ingrid, this is important.

What I am about to tell you

is the story of how you and your brother came to be.

You're not going to tell us about the birds and the bees, are you?

Now listen,

300 years ago,

Chandu and I were in love with the same girl.

Your mother, Magda.

So to decide who should win her affections, we played chess.

Romantic.

For centuries chess has settled all manner of gentlemanly disputes.

And destiny decided that she and I should be together forever.

Until she ran off with a werewolf.

While Chandu suffered the fate of all losers...

..death by mummification!

So, you see, here lies proof that I am indeed the best chess player ever.

Is that it? You dragged us down here

just to tell us that you beat some stinking mummy at chess?

Next time Mr Van Helsing tells me something, I'll keep it to myself.

Vladimir, no-one slurs the name of a Dracula!

Now go.

Leave me with my memories.

I want to be alone.

CHEERFUL WHISTLING

Just dusting your blood collection, Master.

Curse that teacher saying Chandu was better than me!

Surely you won't let him get away with it, Master?

Renfield, I think the time has finally come

to venture into the world of breathers.

Er, Vladimir,

about this...this parents' evening.

You'd rather "cut off your arms and feed them to a giant dung beast".

They were Ingrid's arms actually.

But the point is, look, all this talk of your mother,

it's made me realise you deserve one parent there at least.

-Don't worry about it.

-No, no.

-It's no problem.

-I really don't mind.

I'm coming.

You can't! It's not safe for you to go out in daylight.

Well, it'll be a challenge.

A challenge?! You'll melt!

And what if you bite someone?

The place will be full of breathers!

-Yes, I know.

-Dad!

Oh, really, Vladimir, you should have more faith in me!

I'm going to parents' evening tomorrow and that is final!

Now what do I do?

If Dad bites someone at school

we'll be on the first ship back to Transylvania!

Bagsie a cabin by the window?

I can't believe you gave Dad the letter.

Have you any idea how dangerous that is?

What if he runs into Mr Van Helsing?!

That loser? He's no match for Dad.

You're just worried he'll hear what a goody two fangs you are,

whereas when he hears how wicked and evil I am,

he'll have to be proud of me.

I can't wait to leave the castle, it'll do me good to stretch my wings.

Dad, you can't turn into a bat at school!

Too showy?

-Too "Vlad's dad's a vampire"!

-Breather-lover's got a point.

Maybe you shouldn't wear the cape either.

-Ah. Not even if I wear this with it?

-Especially not if you wear that.

Right. You know, really, you two, relax!

What's the worst that can happen?

-Parents' evening?!

-Don't!

The words "parents' evening" sounds like someone yelling inside my head.

Your dad is coming to parents' evening?

What if Van Helsing finds out? He'll denounce him in front of everybody!

-That's if he doesn't ram a big stake through your dad's...!

-Shush!

Yes, I know! I tried talking him out of it, but you know what he's like!

What am I going to do?

'Look, don't panic.

'Robin and I will make sure

'that Van Helsing keeps well away from your dad.'

Yes!

Arghhh!

Jonathan, you know I can't stand skeletons! They give me the creeps.

Sorry, but he can't exactly walk to the biology display.

Well, get rid of it, we've got work to do.

Count Dracula is coming to parents' evening, and do you know why?

-He's a parent?

-No, because of my careful research!

I knew I'd lure him out of the castle sooner or later.

Jonno, prepare yourself for a showdown.

They'll never guess you're a vampire wearing this, Master,

and it's a hundred percent sun-proof.

You've done well, Renfield.

Now for the final touch...

..sunglasses.

The other ones!

Perfect! That Van Helsing won't know what bit him.

Now, Robin, it doesn't matter what your teachers say tonight,

so long as you've gotten over this morbid obsession with vampires.

-Yes, Mam.

-And if not, we've decided to send you to Happy Camp.

-Happy Camp?

-It's where 'troubled' children go to learn how to be happy.

Through happy music and happy dance.

Just kill me now.

Right, it won't take me long to deal with that woodwork teacher.

In fact, go fetch a bottle of my finest blood.

I can drink it on his demise.

-Yes, Master.

-Mr and Mrs Branagh, it's nice to meet you.

I'm Mr Perkins, Robin's art teacher.

Oh, it's lovely to meet you.

Art is Robin's favourite subject, as a toddler he was always drawing.

-What was it you used to paint, Robin?

-Dad, I don't think we...

Oh, yes, that's right. Big, pink bunny rabbits.

-Dad!

-Rabbits? Interesting... WHOOSH!

Hang on, did you feel that?

Must be a draught. The back of my neck's just gone cold.

-Cooee! Mr Count!

-Oh, no, it's that interminable Branagh woman.

Just ignore her.

-Dad!

-Right!

Cooee. ..There, happy now?

Right, from now on, we're keeping on high alert!

If Van Helsing finds out that The Count's here, he'll...

They threatened to send me to Happy Camp if tonight doesn't go well.

I've got problems too!

OK, fine. I'll go and protect our best friend's entire existence

on my own, then!

CHEERFUL WHISTLING

HE SNIFFS

WHOOSH!

Agh, ya, hay! Hay.

Great. Looks like we're seeing the headmistress first.

She really doesn't like me.

Oh, really, Vladimir, Draculas don't queue.

Mr Count, please! These people are, were, in a queue.

I say,

-what a delicious looking neck you have.

-Pardon?

-Neck-lace!

-He meant to say necklace.

-And you smell so...

so fresh!

Well, well, I suppose I could see you now.

I have a whole list of Ingrid's offences to discuss with you.

Mmm. Really?

As I was saying, when did Robin stop drawing rabbits, and start drawing...

this kind of thing?

I have to ask,

is Robin happy at home?

Oh, Dad! Everyone's wondering where you are.

You're a teacher, you've got responsibilities.

My responsibility

is to rid the world of vampires,

using this.

The Transylvanian Torch!

Why am I not going to like this?

This torch has harnessed sunlight itself!

It took years to find.

Now, when The Count comes in here,

I'll jump up and shine the torch in his face.

It'll vaporise him into a big, gloopy heap of steaming remains!

Cleaners will be happy.

Here, give this to Vlad.

It'll make sure The Count's next appointment is in here with me.

And this little beauty!

-Hi.

-Hi.

HE SNIFFS

Do you hear all this, Vlad?

Ingrid is causing misery and mayhem wherever she goes.

Now that is how a true Dracula should behave.

I am very disappointed in you.

Oh, hold on.

Don't I know him?

Hi, Ingrid. My dad asked me to give you this.

"If my son keeps staring at you,

"feel free to dangle his head down the toilet."

Really?

No. Get lost!

-Looks like we're seeing Mr Van Helsing next.

-Are you crazy?

He can't see Mr Van Helsing!

Vladimir?

What's that behind your back?

Nothing.

Vampire reflexes.

Don't mess with the master.

Ah, at last, that slanderous woodwork teacher!

This is going to be a disaster.

Vlad! Van Helsing is up to something.

Your dad is in real danger.

Chill out, Dad's right here with...

Dad?

Dad?

So, Mr Van Helsing,

Chandu's better at chess than me, is he?

Well, I've got two fangs says he isn't.

Excuse me,

are you a famous rock star?

What? Go away, I'm busy!

-Actually, come closer and say that.

-Can we have your autograph?

HE SNIFFS

You two, scram. Go!

Aggh! Chandu, I thought I recognised that foul stench.

You're looking well.

You've lost some weight. Calm down, Chandu. I can explain!

Ha-ha! Gotcha, vampire scum!

Arghh, Dad!

Where's the Count?!

I don't know. But thanks for the concern. You nearly blinded me!

If you want a job doing...!

Well, come on. We've got a vampire to catch.

I can't believe Robin. Dad's about to have a one-on-one

with a vampire slayer and where is he?

Don't worry, he'll have plenty of time to regret it in Happy Camp.

Great, now what do we do?

GROWLING

-What was that?

-I don't know.

Give it to me!

I'm guessing this is where one of us goes in and finds out.

Give it over, bone-head!

-Dad?!

-Chandu?!

Ah, children, um...

Chandu and I were just catching up on old times. Weren't we, Chanders?

What's that behind your back?

Er, nothing, nothing.

How dare you?!

Teenage reflexes. Don't mess with the master.

A chess rule book?

Dad, what's going on?

Robin is certainly a very creative child

and has written some very "interesting" essays.

Great. He may not need to go to Happy Camp after all!

Yes, there's "Why I Love Vampires", "My Best Friend's A Vampire",

"Why I Want To Be A Vampire",

"Harry Vampire and The Goblet of Bats".

So, this is the greatest chess player who ever lived?

Second greatest!

Chandu was the best, yes, then I beat him and won Magda's affections!

But you said all losers shall suffer death by mummification.

And Chandu's alive...

sort of.

"Losers of the great game shall suffer death by mummification,

"unless a player doth cheat,

"in which case the loser shalt walk the earth

"until justice has been passed."

You cheated?!

Well, I may have moved one piece when he wasn't looking.

Go Dad!

I can't believe you cheated!

It means you and Mum should never have got together,

which means I should never have been born.

No wonder I've never felt like a real vampire.

I feel like a real vampire.

Vladimir, it thaws my frozen heart to hear you say such a thing.

I mean, how can I prove our family was meant to be?

You could challenge Chandu to a rematch...

..or not.

HE SNIFFS Smell that?

Like rotting flesh.

Evening.

Mr Perkins always smells like that.

No. The undead have walked this way.

Come on! Follow your nose.

A rematch?

Good idea, Chloe, unless of course Dad loses and has to be mummified!

Haven't you got any faith in him?

How does the little horsey move again?

OK, I've got a plan.

Who do we know that's really good at chess,

who's a really good friend of yours,

who's related to me?!

How your family's lasted this long I'll never know.

Although I have to say,

when Robin is talking about vampires at least he's paying attention.

In some classes it's as if he's not even there.

-Robin, is this true?

-Robin?!

Vlad, let me go! Mum's already threatening to send me to Happy Camp!

Ugly zombie dude is about to whip Vlad's cheating dad at chess.

If he does, guess who gets mummified?!

Wow, this guy's good.

His opening is genius! Have you asked him if he wants to join chess club?

All right, all right, don't rush me!

Ah.

There. What do you think about that?!

CHANDU LAUGHS Laughing? Why is he laughing?

That's checkmate.

What?!

Well, it can't be!

Surely we can talk about this. After all, you're a reasonable...

-..stake-wielding zombie?!

-Stake her, not me.

-Dad?!

Robin, there must be something we can do!

It's checkmate! There is no way out!

-Chandu, please. Think of the mess!

-No!

Wait! Look!

-How many black knights are on the board?

-One...

two...

-three.

-Quick! Vlad, check his pockets!

Spare pieces. No wonder you couldn't beat him.

Of all the scheming, conniv...!

-Actually, why didn't I think of that?

-But this means you've won.

And Chandu faces death by mummification...

-again.

-I don't know.

Seems a bit unfair.

Especially when your dad cheated in the first place.

And kept him locked in a coffin for 300 years.

All right, all right! Enough with the guilt-trip!

-Chandu, let's, let's not, let's just call it quits.

-Nice one, Dad.

Besides, I have bigger fish to fry.

We've got him, son. You remember the plan?

I open the door, you shine the torch in The Count's face.

Then we watch him melt or vaporise.

I wonder what he'll do?

Ask why you're shining a torch in his face?

Now can we please see Mr Van Helsing?!

-I've waited all night to bite some sense into him!

-What?!

Quick! Dad!

Argghhhh!

Arghhhh!

Get off of me!

Honestly, it's pathetic to be afraid of the dark at your age.

Hi, guys.

Bye, guys.

-What? What?

-I thought you came here to support ME.

But all the time you were planning to bite Mr Van Helsing?!

-Vladimir, he insulted the family name.

-You don't care about us at all.

That is not true!

-Robin Branagh!

->

You can run but you can't hide! >

Oh, great, guess who's spending all summer at Happy Camp?

OK, Dad, now's the time to prove you really care.

Robin!

A masterly move, Robin, we must play again sometime.

Ah, Mr and Mrs Branagh, what a pleasure to lose at chess

to such a charming, radiant young man.

-Hmm?

-(Happy.)

Oh, happy. Happy, happy young man.

TOGETHER: Really?

And, er, what do you say about Happy Camp, Dad?

Oh, it sounds like the cruellest, most barbaric place on Earth.

Does it?

Oh, dear, I don't want my Robin going anywhere barbaric.

Maybe we can sort out his morbid fascination some other way.

Come on, sunshine!

Quick, Master! I tried to stop them, but they're a relentless mob!

There he is. He's famous!

-No pictures! No pictures! Renfield, start the hearse!

-Yes, Master.

Still can't believe Dad only came to parents' evening

to get his revenge on Mr Van Helsing.

Stop whinging. At least he didn't find out he was a slayer.

I suppose I've got to accept it,

our family's just not normal.

Who'd want to be normal?

I mean, look at him!

Checkmate!

# Who's the loser?! Who's the loser?!

# Go loser, go loser, go loser! #

Fair point.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.