Cuckoo in the Nest Young Dracula

Morning, Renfield.

Your breakfast, Master Vlad... And the post.

This screen shows the position of every person in this school.

-Even you.

-Even me?!

So, who's this?

Bertrand was right. There is a shape-shifter in this house...

..and it's with Malik.

That's me!

The fun's nearly over.

Just two more deaths and you will sit on the Dracula throne.

-I'm well aware of that, Mother.

-Don't take that tone with me!

-We've got her.

-Who?

-You can't back out now.

-We came here to destroy the Draculas.

You did. I've finally found my father.

Have you any idea what a big deal this is?

Your father's the cheating rat who abandoned us.

If you hurt my dad, I will dust you.

You'll regret this.

Who was that?

My mum.

That...thing was Elizabeta? Well, she really hasn't aged well.

She's a shape-shifter, he's been working with her -

trying to dust us all.

It's true, but I changed my mind.

You can't trust him.

He's a ruthless killer with no morals.

That is why you need me on your side.

With Mum after your blood,

you're going to need all the help you can get.

BELL RINGS

-Bertrand knew about dark forces.

-Mmm. Shame somebody staked him.

Actually, that was me. Well, me and Mum.

Bertrand was on to us so we tricked Vlad into staking him.

-What? It's a classic wind-up.

-He's completely psychotic.

He's a chip off the old stake, all right.

So, what's your plan?

Bertrand had books on shape-shifting.

Right. We need to find the most boring tome.

Oh! Fantastic At 500.

An Illustrated Guide To Transylvanian Bong Maggots. Oh! Ha-ha!

Doing The Bite Thing: Morals And Ethics For Vampires.

-This is impossible to decipher.

-Put it down.

"On the dark of shape-shifting." Vladdy, you're a genius!

It was written by an ancient slayer who fought a shape-shifter and won

by developing an alchemical formula which trapped it in one body.

What's the formula? Crystallised porphyrium.

-These are very rare ingredients.

-Just do it.

You and you, help him. Do exactly as he tells you.

Not him. I'm not having him anywhere near it.

This is no time for bickering. We need that formula

before she strikes again.

-I'll help you.

-No. You stay with me.

-But I can protect you.

-At times like these, I need Vlad by my side.

Keep going. Another few hours till it's reduced. Coming along nicely.

I think the Master will be pleased with my progress report.

Uh-uh-uh-uh!

You keep stirring. Whatever you do, don't allow it to boil.

Vlad's still the Count's right-hand man and you're just the kitchen boy.

Not for long.

You may be the eldest son, but you'll never be Count Dracula.

Not until you take down Vlad.

And I know something that would crush him, like that!

Do we have to play this game?

Yes, because I only play on the winning team.

As soon as the anti-shift's ready, we wait for her to show herself

then I go out and trap her.

-All you need to do is stay here and tell me where she is.

-Yes.

We could be waiting here for hours.

How's the anti-shift coming along?

Well, it needs to be stirred on a very low heat...

Would you just tell us when it'll be ready!

Everyone's so touchy this morning.

-What's this?

-Your post. I did mention it.

-Renfield, this is marked urgent!

-Yeah, well, I was...

"Dear Vlad, by mind-wiping the Slayers,

"you failed me and our friendship. Why should I trust you again?"

I need to go out. I won't be long.

Oh, yes, don't worry about me(!)

I'm only under attack from a murderous nemesis who's been

plotting revenge for the last 400 years.

We can't do anything till the anti-shift is ready.

You'll be safe here.

You'll know as soon as she makes a move.

Just sit tight and don't trust Malik.

Miss McCauley! Hmm!

What are you doing here at this hour?

Hi, Mr Count. Preparing for the practical Year 11 chemistry exam.

Oh, practical chemistry - my favourite subject.

Well, it's not mine,

but I've got to cover until Mr Bertolini gets back.

Mr Bertolini? Well, didn't he tell you? He's gone home...to Italy.

-Italy?

-Mmm.

-Well, he didn't say anything.

-No.

No letter of resignation.

I expect he blames me for his accident.

These Mediterranean types are so...passionate.

-He might have called, or...

-Yes.

I'm sure we'll find another science teacher and if there's anything...

'Come in, come in. Over, over. Master!'

-That start-of-the-art...

-'Come in. Over. Master!'

-..photocopying thing.'

-Master! Come in! Master! Master!'

-Excuse me.

-'Come in. Master.'

-'Master!'

-What?!

The shapey-shifty thingy.

It's...it's coming after me.

'All right. All right. Stay where you are.'

Oh!

It's in the room.

Save yourself, Renfield. I'll take care of it. Go, go, go!

-Over and out.

-Go!

EVIL CACKLING

I don't know how to use this thing. I've never used it...

I told you... I told you to stay put.

No, you told me to go out, save myself and you'd take care of it.

-What are you doing here?

-What?! Talk sense, you dribbling flunky.

-No, no, no. You were in there... and now you're here.

-Yes.

CRACKLING

What? What? What part of the word "shape-shifter" don't you understand?

She could be anyone or anything and now, thanks to you,

we have no way to track her down!

What do we do now?

What Draculas do best.

Run away?

Well, second best. We hide.

Master! Master!

Master!

Stay where you are.

I got your letter.

I've come to help, if you'll let me.

I know what I did was wrong. But we were on the verge of total war

and I was desperate to save the peace.

-You're trying to defend what you did?

-I made a monumental mistake.

In a world without slayers, vampires are too dangerous.

We need you.

Please, let me reverse the mind-wipe.

I trusted you once. I don't like making the same mistake twice.

You're not.

Let me start with your mum.

All right.

Mum.

Mina. Look into my eyes.

Balance must be restored. Light to darkness.

I like watching you fail.

Life to death. Slayers to vampires.

I can even feel your suffering.

Light to darkness.

Brought down by a girl.

HISSING

This is your fault. You linked us for eternity.

Get out of my mind.

Awaken

and know the truth.

Jonno? What's he doing here?

It's all right, Mum. Thank you.

Don't thank me. The balance is restored.

Dad?

The anti-shift's ready.

Is that all we've got?

I did say the recipe can reduce considerably.

I'll reduce you considerably...

Master! The shape-shifter grabbed me!

Well, I think we've found our shape-shifter.

She threw me in the slime pit!

She's the shape-shifter, Master.

Let's kill them both, just to be on the safe side.

-Yes, Master.

-Yes, Master.

There's not enough potion to waste on them both!

No need we can just do a simple test.

Renfields - clean your master's boots.

Where's the boot polish?

ALL: Shape-shifter!

Thank you!

Father, quick! In here.

Where did she go? Where did she go?

-Ah! Renfield...

-Hmm?

-how many fish do you have?

Just Kirsty.

Well, now you've got two.

Oooh, hello! Look at you, then. What are we going to call you?

Bubbles!

Keith!

-Aargh! Shape-shifter! Shape-shifter.

-Give me the anti-shift.

Trapped for ever. Well done, my son.

I think you should leave.

It's not up to you.

Why would you want to stay anyway?

I told you. I love to watch you suffer and fail.

It's over. The mind link is broken.

You have no power over me any more.

You think?

JUDDERING

Yes. We managed very well without you...

I told you not to go after her until I came back.

..thanks to Malik.

Luckily I've got one son who sticks around when I'm in immortal danger.

It wasn't Master Vlad's fault. He had a very urgent summons.

What? You think little things like that are more important than me?

I don't think so.

Miss McCauley...

Mr Count? What's this?

Dried-leaf infusions. I believe that's what you like to drink?

Should I be Mother?

Thank you.

How is it?

Thank you.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Mr Bertolini?! I thought you were in Italy?

-Really? Why would you think that?

-Well...

I'll, er, I'll just...

Agh! ..freshen the pot. Hot pot, hot pot! Come through.

Renfield!

Do you mind if I...? Yeah. So...

-..I, I, um...came to ask you a question...

-Oh.

..possibly the most important question

of my life, in fact, Miss McCauley. Do you mind if I call you Alex?

Whatever you like.

Alex.

Alex...

..would you do the great favour...

..and allow me to go on a six-month sabbatical?

What? Why?

The video I did of Desmodus Rotundus.

I sent it to the Royal Bat Society.

Well, they thought it was really exciting.

Well, you must seize the opportunity of course.

Alex, you're quite a woman. I'll never forget you.

Do you want to know a secret?

Always. What's the price?

Just promise me you'll use it to destroy Vlad.

All the slayers?!

They remember nothing. What, nothing at all?

Every last one.

We've been living in a slayer-free world for weeks now.

-Why? Why didn't he tell me?

-Maybe he wanted to keep

all those juicy breathers to himself. I don't know.

Right.

What's this about mind-wiping the slayers?

-I removed it.

-No-no-no-no-no!

You removed the mind-wipe?

We need slayers. Without them...

..the most powerful would prevail - as it should be.

If it ain't broke...

How can you deny your own heritage?

I'm not, but we need to evolve beyond endless cycles of biting,

war and revenge.

Oh-h!

Right.

Look...if you'll just reinstate the mind-wipe,

we'll forget this whole thing.

I'm not doing that.

If you don't, Vladimir...

..I will never, ever forgive you.

HE GROWLS

I see.

Renfield...

..make preparation for the Rite of Investiture.

It's time I formally recognised the heir to the Throne of Dracula.

Oh, congratulations, Master Vlad.

Not that one, the other one.

He...is no son of mine.

Aggh!

PLAYS BUGLE VERY BADLY

Would you please stop?!

Haven't you got a floor to lick clean or something?

The writing was on the wall

from the moment you brought that cuckoo into the nest.

Do you think I don't know that?

We are gathered here today to reward loyalty and punish treachery.

-You're making a mistake.

-Yes, it hurts, doesn't it?

To be betrayed by your own flesh and blood.

If you make Malik your heir, you're signing your own death warrant.

-Do you swear eternal loyalty to your Liege Lord?

-I do.

Will you guard and protect me from all enemies whomsoever they may be?

I will.

Yes, it's about time someone did.

Do you pledge to uphold the dishonour...of the Dracula name?

By all that is evil, I promise

and swear to fight the forces of goodness.

Never shall I yield to the temptation to do right.

That milk toddy, Master Vlad?

Yeah, yeah. Why not?

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

Mmm!

HE BELCHES

Are you all right?

HE BELCHES AGAIN

-Kirsty?

-How could it happen?

It must have jumped from the tank to the pot?

I'll save you, Kirsty!

I don't think CPR works on fish.

I'll give her the kiss of life!

It's too late. She's gone.

Kirsty, my Kirsty!

Are you sure this is Kirsty?

-Course I'm sure.

-OK.

-I'd recognise her anywhere...

with that cute little brown spot on her belly...

Hold on...that isn't Kirsty!

Ah, well, waste not want not!

No, stop. Well, it can't be the shape-shifter, either.

If it was a vampire, when it died it would have turned to dust.

What is it, then?

A decoy. Planted by Malik, to protect his mother.

We've got him.

Let it be witnessed by these all here present that

Malik Hellfire Vaccaria Dracula is my one and only anointed

successor, and true heir to the throne and title of Count Dracula...

Stop!

Too late.

Malik lied to you. Look...

Eugh! Dead fish.

-Exactly.

-Exactly.

-So what is this supposed to prove?

It's not a shape-shifter. If it was,

it would have turned to dust already.

Desperate. Tragic even.

I know your mum's still about. I will find her.

Do what you want. I'll be having a drink with my son...

..and heir.

To my new heir apparent.

To the best dad in the world.

BOTH: Noroc!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Enter.

Mr Count, can I talk to you, please?

-About Mr Battabini... No, no, Bertolini.

-Yes.

I'll, er, I'll leave you two to it.

No, no, stay, stay! All right, all right.

Look, it was all a silly mix-up - all I can do is apologise.

I am so, so sorry.

-But I know why you did it.

-You do?

You were trying to stop me making a fool of myself.

As if you ever could.

You're too kind. I've been such an idiot.

-I read the signs wrong.

-Well, we've all done that.

I can't believe I wasted my time on him.

Mr Bertolini was only ever interested in himself and bats.

Yes. He was too blind to see what a special person you are.

-Well, I think that's something we can all be guilty of.

-We can.

After all, I've only just realised what a kind

and sensitive man has been standing before me all along.

Oh. Well, as they always say, there's plenty more fish in the sea.

The trouble is this one's proving hard to catch.

Hmm?

Me?

No, no, no, no. You mean...

You mean...

..you actually like me?

-I can't do this.

-What's wrong?

Everything. Look, I love you, but it would never work between us.

-I'm a... I'm...too old.

-Of course you're not.

-And then there's my family...

-Whom I'm extremely fond of.

I know, I know.

Look, we're not like everyone else.

A bit eccentric, perhaps. Dysfunctional even.

We're...vampires.

Miss McCauley, I...am a vampire.

Nobody's perfect.

We'll run away together - buy a little castle somewhere.

I'll pretend to be a breather. I'll even give up biting.

I... I don't feel very well.

Da-na! It's a bit botched.

The heat sensor is our only hope to catch Elizabeta.

-Elizabeta.

-Did you miss me?

-What?

-Poisoned lipstick...

..the paralysing venom of the Moroccan fire-spider...

..an agonising death,

but a very, very slow one.

Why? Why?

Because I want you to watch while I destroy everyone you care about.

First your precious Miss Alex McCauley...

..and then your entire family.

Ah, still playing with your toys, little bro?

I'd speak with a bit more respect if I were you.

Soon, Dad will be baying for your dust.

If he gets the chance.

What've you done to him?

A fitting end to our master plan. I think his game might be over.

Good luck.

Dad!

Right on cue. I'll leave you to break the good news. Ciao!

What happened?

Poison, poison.

No, no. No, no, no. Wake up. Don't do this to me. Dad! Dad!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd