Browse content similar to Swimming Gala. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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Babes, I've missed you so much! Ah! | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
Oi, come here! Give it to me, take it off! | 0:00:04 | 0:00:08 | |
This programme contains adult humour. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
-OMG! -Leave me alone. -You look like Joan of Arc. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:21 | |
Just out of interest, Friar Tuck. How are the merry men? | 0:00:21 | 0:00:24 | |
-My dad did it. -What look was he going for? A young Ann Widdecombe? | 0:00:24 | 0:00:28 | |
Enough about mushroom head. Guess what I come back from Malaga with? | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
Your virginity? HE TUTS | 0:00:31 | 0:00:34 | |
Is it, like, well spiritual and shit? | 0:00:34 | 0:00:36 | |
Nah, it's my Chinese order - spring rolls, prawn toast, duck. | 0:00:36 | 0:00:40 | |
Did your parents go ape? | 0:00:40 | 0:00:41 | |
I can do what I want, cos they're getting divorced. It's the nuts! | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
Which one of them gets to keep the caravan? | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
How many times do I have to tell you, Billy Elliot? | 0:00:46 | 0:00:49 | |
-It's a static home. -It's got wheels on it. It's a caravan. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
-That means you're one. -Do they do Big Fat Gypsy Divorce? | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
-Where's Alfie? -Probably chipping his dick out a sock with a toffee hammer. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:58 | |
Right, if anyone laughs, they're getting expelled. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:03 | |
My dad did it. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:07 | |
What's up, homeboy? | 0:01:46 | 0:01:47 | |
Oi, Little Lord Fondleboy! | 0:01:49 | 0:01:51 | |
Mumford and Sons called. They want their gay one back. | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
Very clever, Grayson, but A, the reason you don't like | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
Mumford and Sons is cos you're too young to appreciate | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
a good dinner party anthem when you hear one | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
and B, I've got a girlfriend - Miss Gulliver. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:07 | |
Did you not get that problem with your arsehole fixed? | 0:02:08 | 0:02:12 | |
I can hear it talking again. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:13 | |
Check her Facebook status, mate. | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
Changed yesterday, to "in a relationship". | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
P-Widdy, you're looking fit and healthy. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
Let me guess - no carbs before Marbs? | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
I went on a moose shoot in British Columbia. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
-What and no-one shot you? -Thankfully, no, | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
which leaves me able to fetch my gun | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
and murder whatever monstrosity's nesting on your head. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:01 | |
Good to see FC Banterlona stayed fit during the off-season. | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
And how did you spend your holidays, Mr Fraser? | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
Trying to master the art of lacing your own shoes? | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
Oh, no, still wearing these bad boys. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
Every morning I wake up and thank God I still have size-five feet. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
Now, first staff meeting of the new term | 0:03:15 | 0:03:18 | |
and it's Abbey Grove's swimming gala this week. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
Which means it is the sweepstake. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
£10 in? Winning form teacher takes the pot. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:27 | |
Why do we have to be so competitive? | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
We should be celebrating each and every child taking part. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
Show me the money, woman. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
No, I won't, because I believe very strongly... | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
Hey, babe. Don't worry, I got this. Listen, Izzy, | 0:03:39 | 0:03:43 | |
if she says it ain't happenin', it ain't happenin'. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
(I've got your back, babe.) | 0:03:46 | 0:03:47 | |
Now, light bulb - ding! | 0:03:47 | 0:03:51 | |
We all know how the UK recently hosted the greatest show on Earth. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
-The Olympics. -Close. -The Paralympics? -The what?! No, Splash! | 0:03:54 | 0:03:59 | |
I thought we could end the gala with a synchronised diving competition. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:03 | |
Synchronised diving? My class would rather take a running jump. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:07 | |
Shame you won't get your grubby little paws on this money. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:10 | |
Legal bills can be oh-so-ruinous. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
Legal bills? | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
Well, I presume you're not letting your hairdresser get away with that? | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
-Cheryl Bowl. -Back off the bob, bitch. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
And anyway, I bet you my class win something. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
Yap, yap, yap, yap yappity, yap, yap. You're on. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
Um, sorry, just to clarify, I didn't mean betting actual money. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
Well, if you win a single event, I'll match the pot. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:33 | |
That's, like, £200. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:35 | |
Well, you could spend it on Pokemons. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
Why would I spend it on Pokemon, when I've already caught them all? | 0:04:38 | 0:04:43 | |
More graceful back and forth - Ballroom Banter with Banton de Beke! | 0:04:44 | 0:04:48 | |
Ten! | 0:04:48 | 0:04:49 | |
Guys, you need to bring your pyjamas in on Friday. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
Are we having a sleep-over? Can I be the little spoon? | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
-Er, no, we are learning swimming safety. -Why? We live in Watford. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 | |
We ain't going to drown in a flood. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
Yeah, well, YOU'RE not. That is the one advantage of living in a caravan. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
If there is a flood, you can just move to higher ground. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
Well, at least I don't look like an Amish rent boy. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
Whatever. Look, we're learning swimming safety | 0:05:15 | 0:05:19 | |
so we can all enter the swimming gala! | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
-But we never do the gala! -Well, we do now! | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
And we are going to wipe that smug look off Pickwell's face | 0:05:23 | 0:05:27 | |
and, in doing so, win me a cash bet. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
And you know what that means - group trip to Nando's on me. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:33 | |
All we have to do is beat Pickwell at one thing. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:36 | |
And I reckon we've got a chance this year, | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
because there is a new event, synchronised diving. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:41 | |
It's someone's opportunity to become the next Tom Daley. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:45 | |
Fierce! Count me in. I'll be like Usher with gills. Hashtag Werk. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:49 | |
I knew I could count on you, Stephen. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
Now, you're going to need to pick a partner. | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
Unless, of course, anyone wants to volunteer themselves? | 0:05:53 | 0:05:58 | |
Jing, maybe? You peeps are notoriously good at the old diving. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:06 | |
You mean Chinese people? | 0:06:06 | 0:06:07 | |
No. I meant people who wear glasses | 0:06:07 | 0:06:11 | |
and are, um, Sagittarius. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
Firstly, I'm Virgo. And secondly, | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
you may think you've disguised your prejudices, but you don't fool me. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:20 | |
Classic Sagittarius. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
-I'll do it for a beer at Nando's. -Done! | 0:06:22 | 0:06:25 | |
Now, on a separate issue, | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
I need to do something rather special for the old ball and chain. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:31 | |
My girlfriend, Miss Gulliver. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
We had a little bit of a lovers' tiff in the staff room | 0:06:34 | 0:06:38 | |
and I want to make things right. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
I've got a brilliant idea. I need your help. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:44 | |
Alfie, are you OK? Joe told me that you'd been to hospital. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
Yeah, doctor said someone had stolen my heart. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
You wouldn't happen to know anything about that now, would you? | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
Alfie, we're not in a relationship. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:03 | |
Then why did you put in on Facebook? | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
I put that I'm in a relationship. Which I am. Just not with you. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:11 | |
I don't understand. What... You... Who is it? | 0:07:11 | 0:07:17 | |
Tell me who he is and I will fight this tag-nut for your hand. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
-Alex Scott. -Alex Scott? He sounds shit. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:25 | |
No, Alex Scott. I used to teach HER. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
Alfie, I really, really didn't want to have to tell you like this. | 0:07:27 | 0:07:31 | |
-You're going out with Alex Scott? She's, like, 20 and...hot. -Yeah. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:37 | |
And a girl! And, sorry, more importantly, she's your pupil! | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
WAS... Years ago. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:44 | |
I don't know what to think! | 0:07:44 | 0:07:45 | |
I am angry and aroused and upset. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:50 | |
And mainly aroused. And confused. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:54 | |
I didn't think the idea of lesbians could make me this miserable. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
-I just... I like her. -I like Joe, I'm not going to bum him. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:02 | |
-This is completely different. -Is it? | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
Sorry, what would you be like if I was like, "Oh, last night, | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
"I was helping Joe with his homework and one thing led to another | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
"and I just ended up tugging him off into his Encore Tricolore"? | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
-I'd say, "Why are you teaching him French?" -You know what I mean. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:18 | |
Look, I love you! | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
See all of this - the petals, the candles, the Michael Buble. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:27 | |
Does anyone really like Michael Buble? | 0:08:27 | 0:08:30 | |
He's just a shit Michael Ball. | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
I realise that this is a strange, highly-emotional time for you, | 0:08:32 | 0:08:39 | |
but how dare you take this out on the Bube-ster? | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
She didn't mean it, Michael. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
Please don't go. I'm sorry. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:50 | |
Fine! Bye, then! | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
I'm off to find one of the boys in my class to see if he fancies a bumming! | 0:08:53 | 0:08:58 | |
Mr Wickers. | 0:08:58 | 0:08:59 | |
These are the Wilsons. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:04 | |
They were thinking about sending their child to Abbey Grove. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:08 | |
Shall I show you back to the car park? | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
Sir, why haven't you dealt with that bowl yet? | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
Right, for the last time it's not a bowl, it's a man bob. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
-Not gigi. -And the reason that I haven't been able to deal with it is | 0:09:32 | 0:09:36 | |
cos I've been busy picking up the pieces of my broken heart. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:38 | |
Ah. Miss Gulliver's no biggie, sir. Every girl has a minge binge. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:42 | |
-Minge! -Maybe the reason they become lesbians after they've got with me | 0:09:42 | 0:09:46 | |
is because they know that it's never going to get any better - | 0:09:46 | 0:09:49 | |
like when Sir Chris Hoy retired after London 2012. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
Want me to be your guinea pig? You could kiss me, to see if I turn, | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
like a lesbo Twilight. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:55 | |
Sir, so what if Gulliver's exploring her boundaries? | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
Sexuality ain't a rigid set of definitions. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
It's a spectrum and we all fluctuate between its many polarities. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
Plus yat on yat is fit, innit? | 0:10:04 | 0:10:06 | |
And he's back. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
Joe's got a choad! | 0:10:08 | 0:10:10 | |
Guys, can you hurry up, please? | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
Piss off, Savile! Sir's perving on us. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:15 | |
I'm ready, sir. Hope the water's warm. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
I'm not looking. Chantelle, I told you to put your pyjamas on. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:22 | |
-I sleep naked. -Go and get some clothes on now! | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
SHE TUTS | 0:10:25 | 0:10:26 | |
-This leisure centre is minging. -Joe, you don't sleep in a duffle coat. | 0:10:26 | 0:10:30 | |
I do when it's cold. Please don't make me swim, Alfie. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:34 | |
Mate, you should be used to having wet pyjamas! | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
-Is that my shirt? -It's all I could find. Do you want some breakfast? | 0:10:41 | 0:10:45 | |
Look! It's my XXL conny! | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
-It's a verruca sock. -Argh! | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
Where's the lifeguard? She better be a sort. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
Don't worry, mate. They always are. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
WHISTLE BLOWS | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
BAYWATCH THEME PLAYS | 0:10:57 | 0:11:01 | |
Oi, Jing. Get your harpoon out. I've spotted a whale. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
Sit down, you grubby little toads! | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
Hi. I'm Mr Wickers. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:20 | |
-You, too. -I'm the form teacher. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
Sit! My name is Joy. Before you begin, a couple of ground rules. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:29 | |
I don't like children, but I do like my kit. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:33 | |
And take extra special care of Thomas. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
-Oh, her dummy's got a name. -Rules. No diving, no bombing | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
and no petting, of the heavy or light persuasion. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:44 | |
-What's petting? -Why don't you show us, love? Give us a kiss! | 0:11:44 | 0:11:48 | |
Do you want a faceful of congenital herpes? Thought not, squirt. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:53 | |
And finally, no running! | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
We had a lad used to run round, ended up cracking his head. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
He can't run any more. Eats through a tube and shits in a bag. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:03 | |
I think what Joy is trying to say is that water can make this surface | 0:12:05 | 0:12:09 | |
very slippery. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:10 | |
Wasn't water. He tripped on a crutch. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
OK, er, back to swimming. Has anyone got any questions for Joy? | 0:12:15 | 0:12:20 | |
Yeah. Is it true the water changes colour if you piss in it? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
Yeah. It goes yellow. Tods turn the milk chocolaty. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:26 | |
-Someone's done a dump in it? -Wasn't my fault, you weasel. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:30 | |
I've got a spastic colon. Speaking of which... | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
-Sorry. Aren't you going to help me with this? -Nature calls. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:40 | |
That Ginsters Scotch Egg bar's tipping the concierge. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
Think it wants to check out. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
SHE GROANS | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
OK. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:48 | |
That was Joy. Charming little thing. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
Right, left, left, left, right. Halt! | 0:12:50 | 0:12:55 | |
Right, resuscitation. | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
Oi, look, sir, shag of life! | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
Mitchell, put that down! | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
Now, Mr Wickers has got it into his septic tank of a head | 0:13:04 | 0:13:09 | |
that he stands a chance of competing this year. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:13 | |
Get off! Mitchell, stop it! | 0:13:13 | 0:13:17 | |
Any hole's a goal. Let's make it airtight. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
-Mitchell! -Thomas! Get off my husband! | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
Right, well, I think we can rest easy. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:28 | |
Stop looking at me. Cheeky wee bastard. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
Ah! Miss G! | 0:13:39 | 0:13:40 | |
I'm very concerned about the swimming gala, Fraser. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:43 | |
Can I interest you in a lager? Or a stout? | 0:13:43 | 0:13:47 | |
-I tend not to drink before 10:30am. -A selection of guest ales? | 0:13:47 | 0:13:53 | |
Look, Miss Pickwell is insisting her children starve themselves, | 0:13:53 | 0:13:57 | |
in order to achieve Olympic-standard body mass. | 0:13:57 | 0:14:00 | |
Darts? | 0:14:01 | 0:14:02 | |
I'm going out with a woman, Fraser. I'm not a man. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:06 | |
Oh, there it is. I had heard you'd kissed a girl and you liked it | 0:14:06 | 0:14:10 | |
and that's totes coolio on so many levels. Kind of explains why | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
you've never really wanted a slice of the Fray Bantos pie. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
Mm-hm... Yup, hit the nail on the head. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
Yup, so now that "us" is off the table, we can let it all hang out. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:23 | |
-Oh, wow. -Oh, new Speedos tend to have very little give. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:27 | |
I'm just breaking in the gusset for later. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
Look, this is a point of principle, Fraser. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
Either you excuse my class from competing | 0:14:31 | 0:14:35 | |
or we will take part in a non-violent protest at the gala. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
-I thought you'd be more into this swimming lark now. -Why? | 0:14:38 | 0:14:41 | |
Clare Balding? | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
Argh. Motherfunkster. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:49 | |
Oi, numb nuts. Why are you wearing goggles? | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
Er, because I have a severe chlorine allergy. | 0:14:55 | 0:14:57 | |
I don't want to get any splash back from this bad boy. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
Wait, you've got webbed feet, but you can't actually swim? | 0:14:59 | 0:15:03 | |
I know, Jing. God can be a cruel mistress. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
It's like giving the Pope a big willy. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
Right, I am going to throw this plastic brick into the pool | 0:15:08 | 0:15:12 | |
and then each of you is going to take turns to dive in, | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
collect it and then swim it back to shore. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
What is this preparing us for? | 0:15:17 | 0:15:19 | |
You know, Jing, learning is a lot easier | 0:15:19 | 0:15:21 | |
if you don't ask any questions. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
OK, so who's going to go first? Joe, want to get it out the way? | 0:15:23 | 0:15:28 | |
-I will. -All right Stephen, you're up. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
-Oi, Oi! -Argh! -Mitchell! | 0:15:31 | 0:15:35 | |
Mitchell, stop splashing me! I'm allergic. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
I need to throw the brick in first. Get out of the pool! | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
Come on, throw it. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:44 | |
-If you aim at me, it ain't going to anywhere near me. -Mitchell, get out! | 0:15:44 | 0:15:47 | |
Or what, you'll come and get me, goggle rash? Throw it, you melt. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:51 | |
Fine! | 0:15:51 | 0:15:52 | |
Oh, shit! | 0:15:56 | 0:15:57 | |
-Sir, help him! -I can't go in, I'm allergic! | 0:15:57 | 0:16:01 | |
-Quick, do something! -Is he going to die? | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
What? | 0:16:08 | 0:16:09 | |
Where's Joy? | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
He's dying! | 0:16:11 | 0:16:12 | |
-JOY! -Sir! -JOY! | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
Come on, you bastard. Work with me. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
SHE STRAINS | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
All right, I will buy a second beer at Nando's | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
-for whoever saves Mitchell! -Right, get in! | 0:16:24 | 0:16:27 | |
Coward. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:34 | |
Stephen, you can stop doing that now. We've lost. | 0:16:35 | 0:16:39 | |
-Can't someone else dive with me? -We've been over this. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
Jordan and Raj are injured. Rem Dogg is, well, Rem Dogg. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:46 | |
Girls? | 0:16:46 | 0:16:47 | |
How can you all be on your periods at the same time? | 0:16:49 | 0:16:52 | |
Women synchronise, too. Me and Chantelle started Monday. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:56 | |
Please don't! We might as well just accept Pickwell's won. | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
Joe's not competing in anything. | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
I'm on my period, too? | 0:17:01 | 0:17:03 | |
-Blobby's on the blob! -I told you he had a fanny! | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
-I thought you were concussed? -Oh, me head. Argh! -Come on, Joe. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:10 | |
All we need to do is win one event. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:12 | |
No way. Everyone's going to laugh at me. | 0:17:12 | 0:17:14 | |
Why would they laugh? | 0:17:14 | 0:17:15 | |
Last year I wasn't even swimming, I was just putting out lane numbers | 0:17:15 | 0:17:19 | |
and Grayson got the whole school to do the Moob-Bot. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
The Moob-Bot? | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
Oh, that's clever. But you can't let Grayson win. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:31 | |
-But I can't dive. -It's not about diving. It's about synchronising. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
You do something, no matter how shit it is, he tries to copy it. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:38 | |
We might get lucky. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:39 | |
But if it's so easy, why can't you do it? | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
Oh, how many times? Chlorine is my Kryptonite. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
One drop of that shit | 0:17:45 | 0:17:46 | |
and I go from Jamie Redknapp to Harry Redknapp, like that. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:50 | |
Now, come on, buddy. I believe in you. We all believe in you. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:54 | |
Inspire a generation. Hashtag YOLO. | 0:17:54 | 0:17:58 | |
YOLO, Joe. YOLO. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:01 | |
ALL: YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO! | 0:18:01 | 0:18:06 | |
-Can you buy me three beers? -Everyone can have three beers! | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
CHEERING | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
Ah, Mr Smith! | 0:18:21 | 0:18:22 | |
It's so great to see you, after the racial insensitivity tribunal. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:26 | |
With hindsight, I can see that word is best left to rappers. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:30 | |
Well, let's just let bygones be bygones. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:33 | |
Yes, bro. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
# Some day-ay-ay-ay | 0:18:36 | 0:18:42 | |
# We walk hand in hand. # | 0:18:42 | 0:18:47 | |
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Abbey Grove swimming gala. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:54 | |
CHEERING | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
Now, to light the Olympic torch. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
Let the Games begin. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
Oh, no. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:16 | |
Don't panic! Everything's fine! | 0:19:22 | 0:19:25 | |
Everything's fine. Everything's cool. Don't panic! | 0:19:25 | 0:19:29 | |
Everything's fine. Do not worry. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
Oh, God. It's really hot. Help! Help! | 0:19:32 | 0:19:37 | |
KLAXON BLARES | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
# We shall We shall not be moved. # | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
-KLAXON BLARES -Argh! Oh, my God! | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
Stuck, is it? | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
Stand back. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:25 | |
Sometimes there's no substitute for a little bit of manpower. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:30 | |
Any minute now, it'll just drop. It's a stubborn one. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:46 | |
Oh, shit! | 0:20:48 | 0:20:50 | |
Erm, I haven't actually put my money in it. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:53 | |
Oh...that'll be why nothing's coming out, then. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:58 | |
FYI, your, er, little minge binge. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:03 | |
Not my fault. I've checked with loads of my ex-girlfriends | 0:21:04 | 0:21:07 | |
and they're all still straight. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
"Checked"? What do you mean, checked? | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
I asked them if they were gay. Not straight out. I'm subtle, like. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:16 | |
What did you ask them? | 0:21:16 | 0:21:17 | |
Timbaland - music producer or formal evening footwear? | 0:21:17 | 0:21:21 | |
You're intimidated. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:24 | |
No, I'm not. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
I just think that, you know... you might be, er, missing out. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:32 | |
I'm not missing out. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:36 | |
No, because sex with Alex | 0:21:36 | 0:21:41 | |
is a sensual awakening. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
Wave upon wave of mind-blowing orgasms. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:50 | |
She's a volcano of pleasure. | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
Very clever. | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
Very clever, indeed. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
Get your own back by giving me an erection | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
-at a children's swimming gala. -God. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:09 | |
I don't care if you're dying of starvation, | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
your bingo wings are not going to mess up this entry. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:24 | |
-Miss, I feel... -You do not feel, you dive. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
Are you all right? | 0:22:30 | 0:22:31 | |
Sir, we need to call security. I've seen a suspicious package. | 0:22:31 | 0:22:35 | |
-Eugh. Pickwell's camel toe? -Toe? That's a whole hoof. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:40 | |
CROWD CHEER | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
Zero? | 0:22:51 | 0:22:52 | |
Are you out of your tiny little minds? | 0:22:52 | 0:22:54 | |
There was no synchronisation. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
Yes! Look, it's easy. Just keep it simple. Keep it synchronised. | 0:22:57 | 0:23:03 | |
I can't! I can't take my top off. Everyone will laugh. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:07 | |
Ignore them, Joe. Look, no-one is happy about their bodies. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:12 | |
You really think that this will ever win Heat's torso of the week? | 0:23:12 | 0:23:17 | |
No, but they might bring back Circle of Shame for those nipples. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
Stephen, could you just go and sort out the music? | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
This dive is happening! | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
Look, mate, beauty is more than skin-deep. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:30 | |
You are like... | 0:23:30 | 0:23:31 | |
..a Ginsters Scotch Egg bar. Yeah. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:38 | |
On the outside, you're not traditionally beautiful, | 0:23:38 | 0:23:42 | |
but inside... inside you're pretty damn special. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:46 | |
Argh! My ankle! This witch tripped me! | 0:23:46 | 0:23:51 | |
I said no running. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
No way. Right, that's it. Shit's getting real. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:03 | |
What about your chlorine allergy? | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
You know what, Joe? Some day... | 0:24:05 | 0:24:08 | |
..we've all got to face up to our fears. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
-You with me? -Oi, chicken dipper! | 0:24:12 | 0:24:15 | |
That's the spirit. Lock and load. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
What happened to not being ashamed of your body? | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
Joe, there are some shortcomings that no man will ever get over. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:27 | |
Put it down. | 0:24:28 | 0:24:30 | |
THEY SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
CROWD: Dive, dive, dive, dive! | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
-Are you sure about this, Alfie? -Yeah. How bad can it be, right? | 0:24:41 | 0:24:46 | |
-Bob bump? -Bob bump. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
# But I promise, girl, I ain't afraid | 0:24:59 | 0:25:03 | |
# It's raining inside your bed No parts are dry | 0:25:03 | 0:25:09 | |
# I knew that I was ready, baby | 0:25:09 | 0:25:14 | |
# To take that dive. # | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
-Yes! -Yes! | 0:25:30 | 0:25:31 | |
CHEERING | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
Yes, we did it! | 0:25:33 | 0:25:34 | |
Oh, oh, my chlorine allergy. It's vanished! I feel fine! | 0:25:38 | 0:25:42 | |
Honestly, guys, how bad is it? | 0:25:48 | 0:25:52 | |
Not bad at all. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:53 | |
Oh, my God, you look minging... but no worse than normal. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:58 | |
You look fine, sir. Really. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
You better get into a hot shower and some dry clothes, sir. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
-I'll help get your trunks off. -Whoa! I think I can cope, | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
thank you, Chantelle. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:07 | |
PAINED GASPS | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
EVIL LAUGHTER | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
Is somebody there? | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
-Where are my clothes? -Nice face, Downton. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
Seriously, Frank, I am not in the mood for this. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:23 | |
-Thunderbirds are GO! -What? | 0:26:23 | 0:26:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
Ow! | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
This isn't funny! | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
-Seriously, guys. -Come on, sir! | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
-This is not funny! -Alfie? | 0:26:40 | 0:26:42 | |
Hello? Rosie? | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
We're in the lobby, aren't we? | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
-Yeah. -Shit! | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
This is my recurring nightmare. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
-Is he OK? -Oh, is this..? | 0:26:55 | 0:26:59 | |
Yes! This must be the famous Alex. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:03 | |
How wonderful to finally meet you. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:11 | |
No? | 0:27:11 | 0:27:12 | |
-It's like that, is it? -You are making a spectacle of yourself. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:16 | |
Go and put some clothes on! | 0:27:16 | 0:27:18 | |
Oh, sorry. You think I'm embarrassed about my body? Pu-lease! | 0:27:18 | 0:27:23 | |
Darling, you just can't handle being reminded of what you could have had. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:29 | |
DELIBERATE COUGH Argh! | 0:27:29 | 0:27:31 | |
GIGGLING | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
Come on, then, take a photo. It'll last longer. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:39 | |
Figure of speech. I didn't mean it! | 0:27:43 | 0:27:44 | |
-Stop it, Mitchell! -Sir? | 0:27:44 | 0:27:47 | |
I promise, it's me. Please?! | 0:27:58 | 0:28:02 | |
I've got to buy those guys 30 beers. | 0:28:02 | 0:28:05 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:37 | 0:28:40 |