Browse content similar to The American. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:07 | |
Lock and load, it's Class Wars! Mitchell, Rem Dogg, corridor. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
You're the advancing German army. Right, it's 27th May 1940. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:13 | |
Thousands of British troops have been stranded | 0:00:13 | 0:00:15 | |
on the beaches of Dunkirk. | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
French beach? Is it one of those topless ones? | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
No, Chantelle. Keep your clothes on, and prepare for battle! | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
Hey, gang, I'm Mr Schwimer. | 0:00:32 | 0:00:35 | |
Er, where did YOU come from? | 0:00:35 | 0:00:37 | |
All the way from Harvard University, sunshine state of California, | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
reporting for duty, sir! | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
Yeah, we're doing the Battle of Dunkirk, | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
which means you're about four years too early, mate. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
You're doing humour. I love British humour. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
-IN COCKNEY ACCENT: -Corgies with me majesty, m'lud? | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
Please can I have another crumpet! | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
All right, settle down, everybody. Take a seat. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
(Is he fucking mental?) | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
Oi, Dick Van Dyke. What the hell are you doing here? | 0:00:58 | 0:01:01 | |
This is my class. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:03 | |
Didn't Miss Pickwell tell you? I'm here to take over Form K. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
Er, no, you're not, these are my pupils. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:10 | |
Sorry, hombre. Not any more. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:11 | |
Well, actually, yes, any more... hombre. I'm in charge around here. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:17 | |
I've got their respect. I'm like a god to them. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:20 | |
Sieg hiel, Bastian Schweinsteiger! | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
What? | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
Dunkirk was at sea. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:29 | |
'Welcome to Radio Frase. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
'The chat quota of LBC,' | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
but with a host who was loved as a child. Avengers, Assemble-y! | 0:02:04 | 0:02:10 | |
Last one there gets a detention, unless it's Rem Dogg. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
First announcement on the new Tannoy, check. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:18 | |
Felt weird without any trousers on. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
Note to self - fake tan and white slacks don't mix... | 0:02:20 | 0:02:24 | |
The Tannoy's still on, isn't it? | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
FEEDBACK OVER TANNOY | 0:02:26 | 0:02:27 | |
'Just to clarify, I am wearing underpants.' | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
(Oh, God!) | 0:02:31 | 0:02:32 | |
Have you seen Pickwell? | 0:02:40 | 0:02:41 | |
God, when I see her I'm gonna give it to her with both barrels. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:45 | |
Dick. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:49 | |
Maybe a change will do you good? | 0:02:49 | 0:02:50 | |
Yeah, you would say that, cradle snatcher. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Alex is three years younger than you. We're happy. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
Get over it. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:58 | |
Did you have a fun weekend? | 0:02:58 | 0:02:59 | |
We went for a lovely, romantic meal. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
A Happy Meal, was it? What toy did she get? | 0:03:01 | 0:03:04 | |
-If anyone's a child here, it's you. -Great. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
Well, that means you can set me and Alex up on play dates. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
Well, she does have some very fun toys. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
Oh! | 0:03:12 | 0:03:13 | |
Hello, willkommen and awooga! | 0:03:15 | 0:03:20 | |
Item one. The school's got a couple of new furry friends. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:24 | |
And I'm not talking about the pair of puppies | 0:03:24 | 0:03:26 | |
Erica Tinkler's recently acquired. | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
Woof woof! # Who let the dogs out? # | 0:03:28 | 0:03:32 | |
Um, puberty...let the dogs out. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
It's normal for your bodies to change and grow. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
In fact, the other day I thought I found a lump. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
Don't worry, nothing cancerous - | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
turns out it was just a knot of dead skin in the old pork purse. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
Rats. We've got rats. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
Rats are really just big black mice, like Rastamouse. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
So, don't be scared of them, | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
and please, please, please don't tell your parents. | 0:03:57 | 0:04:01 | |
Item two. The PE teacher has quit to become a tree surgeon. I know! | 0:04:01 | 0:04:06 | |
E-mail from his lawyer saying | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
something about operations on a yew tree. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
Good luck to the guy. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:11 | |
Luckily, we've got a new signing, who's going to be taking over | 0:04:11 | 0:04:15 | |
the school's worst-performing class, Special K... | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
um, Form K. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
As the Archbishop of Banterbury, | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
I hereby ordain thee, Brother Schwimer. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:26 | |
Explosion, shrapnel. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
That handshake is the best thing that's ever happened to me. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:39 | |
So, a little about me. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
I just got back from Malawi, Africa, | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
where I was helping the victims of a savage civil war. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:49 | |
But I am sure as heck pretty darn excited to be here now | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
in Watford, United Kingdom. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
OK, so I'm going to be teaching history, | 0:04:56 | 0:04:59 | |
and helping out with the gym class. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
So I guess you're wondering what qualifies this guy to teach gym? | 0:05:01 | 0:05:05 | |
Yes. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:06 | |
Well, I did make a brief appearance at the Olympics | 0:05:06 | 0:05:10 | |
here in London, England, on Team USA. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
Whoo! | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
What do you want? A medal? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:16 | |
I won gold with the coxless four. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
CHEERING | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
Now I want to give you guys a taste of the good old US of A. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:24 | |
But I will leave the school food to you. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:28 | |
I'm not saying my students back home were chunky or anything, | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
but I could catch them skipping class on Google Earth. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
Let's hope they keep the gun culture at home as well, mate. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:38 | |
We all know why they keep their kids so fat. Bigger targets. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:42 | |
IMITATES GUNFIRE | 0:05:42 | 0:05:45 | |
High school massacres? | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
Am I right? | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
Yeah? | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
Come on - he's yanking your chain. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
-ENGLISH ACCENT: -Gallows humour. | 0:05:57 | 0:05:58 | |
Throw him in the bloody Tower with Saint Arthur of the Round Lake. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:02 | |
Classic! | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
Someone lock this guy up in Bant-anamo Bay! Hey. Timberlake? | 0:06:06 | 0:06:10 | |
-Oh! -Who's with me? I love Justin Timberlake. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:14 | |
Mr Wickers not with you? | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
Why, do you want him? | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
I don't WANT him. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:25 | |
I just thought he'd be yapping around your cankles | 0:06:25 | 0:06:27 | |
like some over-excited puppy that needs a good spade to the genitals. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:32 | |
Just to clarify, because I don't want you misreading any signals, | 0:06:32 | 0:06:38 | |
it may shock you to learn that a sexual carnivore like myself | 0:06:38 | 0:06:44 | |
was, for a spell... | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
herbivorous. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:48 | |
Well, I don't understand a word of what you just said | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
but I'm guessing it's something to do with the fact | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
-I've got a girlfriend? -I understand your surprise now, | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
but this velociraptor couldn't wolf down the caper bush for ever. | 0:06:56 | 0:07:01 | |
Are you trying to flirt with me? | 0:07:01 | 0:07:03 | |
No! No, no, no. Women cannot live on pitta alone. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:07 | |
I need a little kofte in my kebab. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
Well, I'm sure that comes as a relief to many, many men. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:13 | |
I want you to know that I am... | 0:07:13 | 0:07:17 | |
(back on solids.) | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
Phew. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
We need to talk about Kevin. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
You can talk to me about anything you want. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
My door is so open, it's off its hinges. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
Yeah, I get it. Very clever. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
Why didn't you tell me I was losing my class? | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
After that fire at the swimming gala, | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
Pickwell has got my jolly pink giant by the scruff of its neck. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:51 | |
She said either I hire Kevin | 0:07:51 | 0:07:52 | |
or she reports me to various child welfare agencies, | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
none of which are mahusive fans of Super-F. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
Well, I don't care where I have to take this fight - | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
I'm getting my kids back. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
Oh, BT-dubs, if you're planning a Fathers for Justice-style protest, | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
I've got wide a variety of superhero costumes you could borrow. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
The only one I can't lend you is the Superman one. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
Why not? | 0:08:11 | 0:08:12 | |
How long have you been wearing that? | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
Every day for four years. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:18 | |
In case I need to save the school bus. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
Buttons, buttons... Buttons. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:26 | |
Right, look, you can't just give my class away. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:38 | |
-Can too. -Can not. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
Can can, can can. I can do the can can. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
Yeah, well, I've spoken to them and my class want me back. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
-They would take a bullet for me. -Ha! I find that hard to believe. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:49 | |
What the hell is that? | 0:08:49 | 0:08:51 | |
OK. Right, you're aware this isn't Hogwarts? | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
Mr Wickers, meet Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld, meet Mr Wickers. | 0:08:57 | 0:09:01 | |
Why is there an owl on your arm? | 0:09:01 | 0:09:03 | |
Well, Mr Fraser's attempts to eradicate the vermin have been, thus far, unsuccessful, so... | 0:09:03 | 0:09:07 | |
An owl is the solution? | 0:09:07 | 0:09:09 | |
Well, I wanted to use mustard gas, but some precious Red Tape Susan | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
said that sulphur-based cytotoxins and children are incompatible. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
Hence, Rumsfeld and I are hunting rats - oh, and there's one in particular that's so grubby, | 0:09:15 | 0:09:20 | |
even turds retch as they glide past HIM in the sewer. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:24 | |
OK, well, I assume I'm the rat in that little pooey analogy of yours. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:28 | |
But let me tell you this, there is | 0:09:28 | 0:09:29 | |
absolutely no way on Earth that I'm going to stand by and watch you... | 0:09:29 | 0:09:33 | |
Cheep, cheep, cheep. Would you like to meet your new form now? | 0:09:33 | 0:09:36 | |
Fine. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:37 | |
I'm teaching 2J? Putting me in there is like | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
putting Justin Bieber on the main stage at Reading. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:47 | |
They'll murder me. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
Remember - don't look them in the eye. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
Oh, and the smell of urine? They're just marking their territory. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:55 | |
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... | 0:09:55 | 0:09:58 | |
I take a look at my life and realise there's nothing left | 0:09:58 | 0:10:01 | |
Cos I've been laughin' and blastin' | 0:10:01 | 0:10:02 | |
So long that even Momma thinks that my mind is gone. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
I didn't know you were a Coolio fan! | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
It's the Bible. Psalm 23. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
Whatever. It's definitely Coolio. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:10 | |
It's a tune, though, I'll give you that. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:13 | |
Oh, I forgot to mention, they're studying this. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
Right. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:24 | |
Listen up, you little bastards. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
Before we begin, I want to make one thing crystal clear. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:32 | |
I could kick the shit out of you in a fight. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:41 | |
And don't think that I wouldn't just because you're smaller than me | 0:10:41 | 0:10:45 | |
and some of you are little girls. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:47 | |
Any questions? | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
No. Thought not. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:52 | |
Beowulf, chapter one. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:56 | |
In hildy-fildy pildy harque-wun pur-pon diddly dee di | 0:10:56 | 0:11:00 | |
diddle-um dee didly dom... | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
SCREAMING | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
Six minutes, 17 seconds. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
-They're monsters! -They're 11. Just think of it as babysitting. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
-I'm not a babysitter. -No, of course you're not. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
They are babysitting you. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:16 | |
-I see visions of me dead. Lord, are you there? -The Bible? | 0:11:16 | 0:11:20 | |
-Tupac. -No, please! | 0:11:20 | 0:11:22 | |
A little orphan looked up at me and said... | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
Nicola Berti's been stabbed! | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
Don't worry, I know first aid. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:39 | |
She's bleeding out by the school gates. Go, quick! | 0:11:39 | 0:11:42 | |
Go. Go. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:43 | |
Okey-dokey, time for a little chat. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:48 | |
Is Nicola going to die? | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
Nicola? Oh, no, that was just something I said | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
to get rid of Kevin of Nazareth. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
-Gullible! -So not LOL, sir. | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
What's that? | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
Mr Schwimer ran the New York Marathon for Protect The Rhino. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:03 | |
Protect The Rhino? They're basically dinosaurs! | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
I think they can look after themselves. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
I have been thinking long and hard about how I'm going to get you back. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:12 | |
I have considered every possible option - | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
and I'm going to need one of you to say that Kevin touched you. | 0:12:15 | 0:12:19 | |
A little fiddle. Anyone? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:23 | |
Oh, God, you guys are so square! | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
Joe? Your new haircut's given you a kind of choirboy vibe. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:33 | |
They tend to dig that look. | 0:12:33 | 0:12:34 | |
No way. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:35 | |
I just want my class back. What am I going to do? | 0:12:35 | 0:12:41 | |
Cut and run? Take me to France, sir. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
Overnight ferry, shack up in Bordeaux, let the man-hunt begin. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:47 | |
Come and get us, Interpol. | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
-I've got a plan to get rid of him, sir. -Shoot. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
Right, we're going to need a van, some cable ties and an alibi. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:54 | |
Oh! Mitchell, we're not re-enacting your parents' honeymoon. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:57 | |
We have to get rid of Kevin somehow. He's such a dick. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:01 | |
Isn't he? | 0:13:01 | 0:13:02 | |
Well, the thing is, sir, Mr Schwimer's actually pretty rad. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:09 | |
Rad? Who are you? | 0:13:09 | 0:13:12 | |
Look, what has this guy got that I haven't? | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
-Timetables. -Abs. -Dress sense. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
-A penis. -Mr Schwimer went to college with Ashton Kutcher. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:21 | |
So what? Give a shit? I've got celebrity friends, too. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
My friend Atticus Hoye was on Total Wipeout. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
Mr Schwimer's a pro skater, sir. He invented his own trick. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:31 | |
What else has he done? Turned water into wine? | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
He's teetotal. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
Jesus! As if he couldn't get any creepier! | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
Kids, if I can teach you one thing about life, | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
never trust a man that doesn't drink. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
Has Kevin just been peacocking all morning? | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
I mean, has he actually taught you anything? | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
The English kings and queens. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
All of them? That's impossible. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
Five, six, seven, eight... | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
Willie, Willie, Harry, Ste, Harry, Dick, John, Harry three, | 0:13:54 | 0:13:58 | |
one-two-three Neds, Richard two, Harrys four-five-six, then who? | 0:13:58 | 0:14:01 | |
Edwards four-five, Dick the bad, Harrys seven-eight, Ned the Lad, | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
Mary, Bessie, James the Vain, Charlie, Charlie, James again, | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
William, Mary, Anna Gloria, four Georges, William, Victoria, | 0:14:07 | 0:14:11 | |
Edward seven next, and then George the fifth in 1910, | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
Ned the eighth soon abdicated then George the sixth was coronated, | 0:14:14 | 0:14:18 | |
and if you've not lost your breath, give a cheer for Elizabeth. | 0:14:18 | 0:14:22 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
Meh? | 0:14:28 | 0:14:29 | |
When would you actually use that? | 0:14:29 | 0:14:32 | |
I teach you transferable life skills, | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
like the rap from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! | 0:14:35 | 0:14:38 | |
In West Philadelphia, born and raised... | 0:14:38 | 0:14:40 | |
Please, not again. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
Stop it. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:44 | |
Oh! | 0:14:45 | 0:14:48 | |
Please help me! I hate 2J! | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
One of them made me... fellate a Pritt Stick. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:56 | |
My mouth's still gluey. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:57 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
Why don't you seduce Miss Pickwell? Flirt your way out of it. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:02 | |
You can practise on me, if you like. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
Please, Chantelle! | 0:15:04 | 0:15:05 | |
I would have to try literally everything | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
before I resorted to flirting with Pickwell. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
Hey, Izz. You're looking pretty fit today. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
How do you get that lovely natural glow to your skin? | 0:15:21 | 0:15:24 | |
Pumice and bleach. What do you want? | 0:15:24 | 0:15:28 | |
Just wanted to ask you a question. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:32 | |
Are you from Tennessee? | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
Cos you're the only TEN AH SEE. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
Plans tonight? Me, you, my crib, | 0:15:40 | 0:15:45 | |
turn my onesie into a twosie? | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
Hey, was your dad a thief? | 0:15:49 | 0:15:53 | |
No, he was a butcher in East Kilbride. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:55 | |
Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes. | 0:15:55 | 0:16:00 | |
Was your father a surgeon, | 0:16:00 | 0:16:01 | |
because he stole the brain of an ape | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
and put it into the body | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
of a hairy little girl? | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
Come, come, Iso-bel, there's no need to be like that. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:13 | |
(Oh, silly me.) | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
HE GROANS | 0:16:22 | 0:16:23 | |
30 minutes. Me on top. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:31 | |
Penetrative. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:34 | |
Those are my terms, Mr Wickers, | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
should you wish to screw your way out of this. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:40 | |
Oh, and biting. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:41 | |
Lots and lots of biting. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:46 | |
# Look at me, I just can't believe | 0:16:54 | 0:16:57 | |
# What they've done to me | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
# We could never get free | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
# I just wanna be I just wanna be | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
# Look at me, I just can't believe | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
# What they've done to me | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
# We could never get free I just wanna be | 0:17:10 | 0:17:14 | |
# Look at me | 0:17:15 | 0:17:17 | |
# I just can't believe | 0:17:19 | 0:17:21 | |
# I just wanna dream, dream... # | 0:17:24 | 0:17:28 | |
Yo, alpha male! | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
Hey, you know Kevin DJs? He's coming round mine later. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
I'm gonna play my mashup of Chaka Khan and Chaka Demus and Pliers. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
It's called Chaka Chaka Demus and Khan. Are you in? | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
Oh, God, no, I can't. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:40 | |
I've got to go home tonight and run a bath to slit my wrists in | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
because someone gave my class away to some stupid American that | 0:17:43 | 0:17:45 | |
they've all fallen in love with, and I'm stuck with shitty, horrible 2J. | 0:17:45 | 0:17:49 | |
-Why have you got a recorder? -Well, I read this article | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
written by a freelance pest control expert in Germany. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
From what I could gather, | 0:17:54 | 0:17:55 | |
his method for drawing the rats away from the villagers was this... | 0:17:55 | 0:17:59 | |
The Pied Piper? | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
Yeah, the Pied Piper! You know him? Hm! | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
Mitchell, what are you guys doing? | 0:18:08 | 0:18:10 | |
I'm going to get Emo Elliot to lend Mr Schwimer his skateboard. | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
-ENGLISH ACCENT: -Oi, catch the rugger ball, Jonathan Wilkinson. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:19 | |
Here, surprise, sir. Do us a trick? | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
Er, I can't. No, I mean, with my knees! | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
I mean, they're just in super-real bad shape, you know, | 0:18:28 | 0:18:31 | |
after the marathon. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:32 | |
-Don't be a pussy, sir! -Yeah, go on, sir! | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
-I bet you're amazing at it. -I'll do a trick. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
Well, yeah! Yeah, Mr Wickers will do the trick! | 0:18:37 | 0:18:39 | |
-Can you skate? -Tony Hawk's, intermediate. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
Gaming don't make you a skater, you melt. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:44 | |
Rooney plays FIFA, so eat a bag of shit for breakfast, Mitchell. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
Just give me the board, dickhead. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
And stand back, kids - | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
this school's insurance policy doesn't cover blown minds. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
Hash-tag "this shit gonna be cray". | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
This shit gonna be 50 shades of cray. | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
Wick-ers, Wick-ers, Wick-ers, Wick-ers! | 0:19:03 | 0:19:06 | |
-Oh! -Oh, shit! | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
You OK, buddy? | 0:19:20 | 0:19:23 | |
Am I dead? | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
Oh, Mother Teresa, where did it all go wrong? | 0:19:41 | 0:19:45 | |
Sir? | 0:19:53 | 0:19:54 | |
Oh, hey, Jing, where are the others? | 0:19:54 | 0:19:58 | |
Mr Schwimer's friend from the British Museum | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
lent him some weapons and armour. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:02 | |
They're all outside doing a Civil War re-enactment. | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
Class Wars? Is nothing sacred? | 0:20:05 | 0:20:09 | |
I need to talk to you about something. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
Jenga. Remember when we used this | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
to run through 9/11 conspiracy theories? | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
See? Still got the FBI dynamite on it. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
And look! | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
It's all the Jews that didn't go into work that day. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
Take it. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:25 | |
Something to remember me by. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
-You're not dying. -Inside I am, Jing. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:31 | |
But it's all right. I understand. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
I have to let you go. Just promise me this. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
Don't ever let that man patronise you. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:40 | |
Look! My suffragette glove puppets! Please give me the vote. | 0:20:40 | 0:20:44 | |
Watch out for the horsey! | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
Listen. Mr Schwimer isn't who he says he is. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
Jing, I get it. I'm shitty old Alfie, | 0:20:51 | 0:20:54 | |
he's Mr Perfect Good-Teeth Junior the Third. | 0:20:54 | 0:20:58 | |
But he isn't perfect! | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
Look at this photo. Something's not right. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
Look. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
Oh, my God. The jogger behind him has a semi. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:11 | |
No, Mr Schwimer. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
Mr Schwimer's got a semi? | 0:21:13 | 0:21:14 | |
The hand! | 0:21:14 | 0:21:15 | |
That's a wedding ring - and it's a ladies arm. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:19 | |
Mr Schwimer isn't married... | 0:21:19 | 0:21:22 | |
or a lady. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:23 | |
I knew there was something wrong with him from the start. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
It's his eyes, right? Too close together. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
No! He said he went to Harvard, California, | 0:21:27 | 0:21:30 | |
but Harvard's in Massachusetts. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
And did you see how reluctant the pro skater was in doing a trick? | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
Why are you helping me, Jing? | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
Because I love this class. It's just not the same without you. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:42 | |
You're an idiot, but you're also a nice, kind man. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:46 | |
Let's destroy this bastard's life. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:51 | |
It's mashup time, dedicated to my new best buddy, | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
two time Super Bowl winner, Mr Schwimer. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:57 | |
MUSIC PLAYS OVER MONTAGE: Mashup of Chaka Khan and Chaka Demus and Pliers | 0:21:57 | 0:22:03 | |
And one of my ancestors actually fought in the Battle of Agincourt. | 0:22:19 | 0:22:23 | |
Oi! Kevin. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
Yo, G. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:26 | |
-Mr Wickers to you, mate. -It's time you confessed. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
Let me see your arms. | 0:22:29 | 0:22:30 | |
My arms? Oh, mi lud, stick a shilling up me chuffer! | 0:22:30 | 0:22:36 | |
This is another one of your dry, British irony jokes, right? | 0:22:36 | 0:22:39 | |
Stop trying to rape Mr Schwimer, sir. | 0:22:39 | 0:22:41 | |
Shut up, Mitchell! | 0:22:41 | 0:22:42 | |
Are those your arms? | 0:22:44 | 0:22:45 | |
Yes. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
They look pretty feminine to me. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
I have slim arms. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:50 | |
Slim, hairless, married ladies' arms? | 0:22:50 | 0:22:54 | |
-Yes. -Oh, funny that, | 0:22:54 | 0:22:56 | |
cos didn't you win a gold medal in the Olympic rowing, right? | 0:22:56 | 0:23:00 | |
Um... | 0:23:00 | 0:23:01 | |
The US team won bronze, and you weren't in it. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
I don't even remember saying that. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
You're not a pro skater, or a DJ. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
Oh, and that horrible war in Malawi. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:12 | |
Don't bring the war into this! You weren't there, man. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
No, I wasn't. No-one was. Because there wasn't a civil war in Malawi. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:19 | |
You're a pathological liar. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:20 | |
So, come on, Kevin, what have you got to say for yourself? | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
Spit it out. We're all ears. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:26 | |
Sure, I exaggerate a bit. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:35 | |
I just wanted you to like me. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
Oh, God, a teacher craving his pupils' approval? | 0:23:37 | 0:23:42 | |
Pathetic. Go on, piss off. | 0:23:42 | 0:23:46 | |
So it was all lies? | 0:23:46 | 0:23:47 | |
You never won the Super Bowl? | 0:23:47 | 0:23:48 | |
You don't know Ashton? | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
I'll never meet Demi. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
It's all fake. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:53 | |
The stories, the Harvard education, this stupid plastic armour. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:59 | |
-What? -Yeah, these shitty little toy guns. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:03 | |
Please be careful! Those are actually antique. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:05 | |
Ooh, my name's Kevin and I've got a buddy at the British Museum! | 0:24:05 | 0:24:09 | |
-GUNSHOT, SCREAMING -Oh, dear. | 0:24:09 | 0:24:10 | |
Argh! | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
SHOUTING | 0:24:12 | 0:24:14 | |
They were loaded! Are you insane? | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
They weren't supposed to be fired! | 0:24:16 | 0:24:17 | |
You shot him in the arse! Brilliant! | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! | 0:24:20 | 0:24:21 | |
Don't worry, Joe, it's just a little flesh wound. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:25 | |
HELP! HELP! | 0:24:25 | 0:24:26 | |
Someone go and get help. Does anyone know first aid? | 0:24:26 | 0:24:30 | |
-I do. -Really? | 0:24:30 | 0:24:31 | |
-No. -Oh, Jesus! | 0:24:31 | 0:24:33 | |
Sir, you're meant to suck the bullet out. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:35 | |
No, you idiot, you're meant to piss on it. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
That's jellyfish, you tit! Wait - that is jellyfish, right? | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
Lie on your front. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:41 | |
-No. No, Jing, it's fine. I'll do it, I'm desperate, anyway. -No, sir! | 0:24:41 | 0:24:46 | |
Joe, just a quick one. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:48 | |
You know the way your mum's not a massive fan of mine, | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
if she asks about this - she might not - | 0:24:51 | 0:24:53 | |
-could you maybe tell her that you sat on the bullet? -Argh! | 0:24:53 | 0:24:56 | |
Wrong moment. | 0:24:56 | 0:24:58 | |
-Help! HELP! -Sir literally gave him a new arsehole. | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
Why is no-one coming? Pass me the other gun! | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
-Gonna put him out of his misery, sir? -No, distress signal. Give it here. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:08 | |
GUNSHOT | 0:25:09 | 0:25:11 | |
SCREECH | 0:25:11 | 0:25:12 | |
Oh, shit. Rumsfeld! | 0:25:14 | 0:25:17 | |
Shit, shit, shit! Please don't be dead, please don't be dead. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
One, two, one, two. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
-Come on, Rumsfeld. -Don't fly towards the light. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
-Pickwell's coming. -Oh, no! | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
SHE MOUTHS | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
Right, if anyone asks, Kevin fired the guns. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:37 | |
-Yup. -Sure. -Definitely. -That's a lie! | 0:25:37 | 0:25:38 | |
Is it a lie? Or am I just exaggerating? | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
My baby! | 0:25:42 | 0:25:43 | |
I heard gunshots! | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
The man of steel is here to save the day. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
Are you OK, sweetheart? | 0:25:51 | 0:25:52 | |
My bum hurts. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
Not for the first time. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:55 | |
Keep pressure on the wound. What have you done? | 0:25:55 | 0:25:59 | |
It wasn't him, Miss Gulliver. I fired the gun by mistake. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:05 | |
See, you told me my kids wouldn't take a bullet for me, but... | 0:26:05 | 0:26:09 | |
-Joe's a hero, miss. -He threw his arse in front of the bullet! | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
Yeah, his bottom was like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
Forget about the boy! Rumsfeld! | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
This man has lied about everything! | 0:26:18 | 0:26:21 | |
-Except for the bit about shooting Joe. -I'm a fraud. | 0:26:21 | 0:26:24 | |
But what about my mash-ups? You said you liked them? | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
I didn't really. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:27 | |
You're dead to me. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
When we confronted him, he freaked out and turned the gun on Joe. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:32 | |
And then he reloaded to shoot your pigeon. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
I have a problem. I can't help lying. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
I say one thing and then it just spirals. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
-BIRMINGHAM ACCENT: -I'm not even from America. I'm from Birmingham. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:44 | |
Not even Birmingham, actually. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
Dudley, near Tipton, you know, off the A4123. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:51 | |
Sorry, everyone. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:52 | |
Now I've been honest, can we be buddies? I've got a jetpack. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:56 | |
I flew to France on it, all the way... Brrrrrr! | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
Do you want to have a go? | 0:26:59 | 0:27:00 | |
I'll have a go. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:01 | |
He's lying again, isn't he? | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
If you ever set foot on these premises again, | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
I will personally send you back to Dudley piece by piece. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:12 | |
Starting with these. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:13 | |
Does this mean we get Mr Wickers back? | 0:27:19 | 0:27:22 | |
I think it does. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:23 | |
Yes! | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
That's right, kids, Daddy's back for good. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
And I will never, ever let you get put in danger again | 0:27:28 | 0:27:33 | |
because I am here to protect you, children. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
23rd October 1942. The tank battle of El-Alamein. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:40 | |
Rommel, ready? | 0:27:40 | 0:27:43 | |
Monty, ready? | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
Three, two, one! | 0:27:45 | 0:27:49 | |
Oh, fuck! | 0:27:56 | 0:27:57 |