The American Bad Education


The American

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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

0:00:020:00:07

Lock and load, it's Class Wars! Mitchell, Rem Dogg, corridor.

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You're the advancing German army. Right, it's 27th May 1940.

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Thousands of British troops have been stranded

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on the beaches of Dunkirk.

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French beach? Is it one of those topless ones?

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No, Chantelle. Keep your clothes on, and prepare for battle!

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Hey, gang, I'm Mr Schwimer.

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Er, where did YOU come from?

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All the way from Harvard University, sunshine state of California,

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reporting for duty, sir!

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Yeah, we're doing the Battle of Dunkirk,

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which means you're about four years too early, mate.

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You're doing humour. I love British humour.

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-IN COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Corgies with me majesty, m'lud?

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Please can I have another crumpet!

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All right, settle down, everybody. Take a seat.

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(Is he fucking mental?)

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Oi, Dick Van Dyke. What the hell are you doing here?

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This is my class.

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Didn't Miss Pickwell tell you? I'm here to take over Form K.

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Er, no, you're not, these are my pupils.

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Sorry, hombre. Not any more.

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Well, actually, yes, any more... hombre. I'm in charge around here.

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I've got their respect. I'm like a god to them.

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Sieg hiel, Bastian Schweinsteiger!

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What?

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Dunkirk was at sea.

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'Welcome to Radio Frase.

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'The chat quota of LBC,'

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but with a host who was loved as a child. Avengers, Assemble-y!

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Last one there gets a detention, unless it's Rem Dogg.

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First announcement on the new Tannoy, check.

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Felt weird without any trousers on.

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Note to self - fake tan and white slacks don't mix...

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The Tannoy's still on, isn't it?

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FEEDBACK OVER TANNOY

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'Just to clarify, I am wearing underpants.'

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(Oh, God!)

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Have you seen Pickwell?

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God, when I see her I'm gonna give it to her with both barrels.

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Dick.

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Maybe a change will do you good?

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Yeah, you would say that, cradle snatcher.

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Alex is three years younger than you. We're happy.

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Get over it.

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Did you have a fun weekend?

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We went for a lovely, romantic meal.

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A Happy Meal, was it? What toy did she get?

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-If anyone's a child here, it's you.

-Great.

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Well, that means you can set me and Alex up on play dates.

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Well, she does have some very fun toys.

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Oh!

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Hello, willkommen and awooga!

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Item one. The school's got a couple of new furry friends.

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And I'm not talking about the pair of puppies

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Erica Tinkler's recently acquired.

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Woof woof! # Who let the dogs out? #

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Um, puberty...let the dogs out.

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It's normal for your bodies to change and grow.

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In fact, the other day I thought I found a lump.

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Don't worry, nothing cancerous -

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turns out it was just a knot of dead skin in the old pork purse.

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Rats. We've got rats.

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Rats are really just big black mice, like Rastamouse.

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So, don't be scared of them,

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and please, please, please don't tell your parents.

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Item two. The PE teacher has quit to become a tree surgeon. I know!

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E-mail from his lawyer saying

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something about operations on a yew tree.

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Good luck to the guy.

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Luckily, we've got a new signing, who's going to be taking over

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the school's worst-performing class, Special K...

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um, Form K.

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As the Archbishop of Banterbury,

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I hereby ordain thee, Brother Schwimer.

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Explosion, shrapnel.

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That handshake is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

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So, a little about me.

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I just got back from Malawi, Africa,

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where I was helping the victims of a savage civil war.

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But I am sure as heck pretty darn excited to be here now

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in Watford, United Kingdom.

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OK, so I'm going to be teaching history,

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and helping out with the gym class.

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So I guess you're wondering what qualifies this guy to teach gym?

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Yes.

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Well, I did make a brief appearance at the Olympics

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here in London, England, on Team USA.

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Whoo!

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What do you want? A medal?

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I won gold with the coxless four.

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CHEERING

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Now I want to give you guys a taste of the good old US of A.

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But I will leave the school food to you.

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I'm not saying my students back home were chunky or anything,

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but I could catch them skipping class on Google Earth.

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LAUGHTER

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Let's hope they keep the gun culture at home as well, mate.

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We all know why they keep their kids so fat. Bigger targets.

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IMITATES GUNFIRE

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High school massacres?

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Am I right?

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Yeah?

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Come on - he's yanking your chain.

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-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-Gallows humour.

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Throw him in the bloody Tower with Saint Arthur of the Round Lake.

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Classic!

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Someone lock this guy up in Bant-anamo Bay! Hey. Timberlake?

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-Oh!

-Who's with me? I love Justin Timberlake.

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Mr Wickers not with you?

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Why, do you want him?

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I don't WANT him.

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I just thought he'd be yapping around your cankles

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like some over-excited puppy that needs a good spade to the genitals.

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Just to clarify, because I don't want you misreading any signals,

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it may shock you to learn that a sexual carnivore like myself

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was, for a spell...

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herbivorous.

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Well, I don't understand a word of what you just said

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but I'm guessing it's something to do with the fact

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-I've got a girlfriend?

-I understand your surprise now,

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but this velociraptor couldn't wolf down the caper bush for ever.

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Are you trying to flirt with me?

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No! No, no, no. Women cannot live on pitta alone.

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I need a little kofte in my kebab.

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Well, I'm sure that comes as a relief to many, many men.

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I want you to know that I am...

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(back on solids.)

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Phew.

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We need to talk about Kevin.

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You can talk to me about anything you want.

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My door is so open, it's off its hinges.

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Yeah, I get it. Very clever.

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Why didn't you tell me I was losing my class?

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After that fire at the swimming gala,

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Pickwell has got my jolly pink giant by the scruff of its neck.

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She said either I hire Kevin

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or she reports me to various child welfare agencies,

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none of which are mahusive fans of Super-F.

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Well, I don't care where I have to take this fight -

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I'm getting my kids back.

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Oh, BT-dubs, if you're planning a Fathers for Justice-style protest,

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I've got wide a variety of superhero costumes you could borrow.

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The only one I can't lend you is the Superman one.

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Why not?

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How long have you been wearing that?

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Every day for four years.

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In case I need to save the school bus.

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Buttons, buttons... Buttons.

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Right, look, you can't just give my class away.

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-Can too.

-Can not.

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Can can, can can. I can do the can can.

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Yeah, well, I've spoken to them and my class want me back.

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-They would take a bullet for me.

-Ha! I find that hard to believe.

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What the hell is that?

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OK. Right, you're aware this isn't Hogwarts?

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Mr Wickers, meet Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld, meet Mr Wickers.

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Why is there an owl on your arm?

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Well, Mr Fraser's attempts to eradicate the vermin have been, thus far, unsuccessful, so...

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An owl is the solution?

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Well, I wanted to use mustard gas, but some precious Red Tape Susan

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said that sulphur-based cytotoxins and children are incompatible.

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Hence, Rumsfeld and I are hunting rats - oh, and there's one in particular that's so grubby,

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even turds retch as they glide past HIM in the sewer.

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OK, well, I assume I'm the rat in that little pooey analogy of yours.

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But let me tell you this, there is

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absolutely no way on Earth that I'm going to stand by and watch you...

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Cheep, cheep, cheep. Would you like to meet your new form now?

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Fine.

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I'm teaching 2J? Putting me in there is like

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putting Justin Bieber on the main stage at Reading.

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They'll murder me.

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Remember - don't look them in the eye.

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Oh, and the smell of urine? They're just marking their territory.

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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

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I take a look at my life and realise there's nothing left

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Cos I've been laughin' and blastin'

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So long that even Momma thinks that my mind is gone.

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I didn't know you were a Coolio fan!

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It's the Bible. Psalm 23.

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Whatever. It's definitely Coolio.

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It's a tune, though, I'll give you that.

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Oh, I forgot to mention, they're studying this.

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Right.

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Listen up, you little bastards.

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Before we begin, I want to make one thing crystal clear.

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I could kick the shit out of you in a fight.

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And don't think that I wouldn't just because you're smaller than me

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and some of you are little girls.

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Any questions?

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No. Thought not.

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Beowulf, chapter one.

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In hildy-fildy pildy harque-wun pur-pon diddly dee di

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diddle-um dee didly dom...

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SCREAMING

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Six minutes, 17 seconds.

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-They're monsters!

-They're 11. Just think of it as babysitting.

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-I'm not a babysitter.

-No, of course you're not.

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They are babysitting you.

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-I see visions of me dead. Lord, are you there?

-The Bible?

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-Tupac.

-No, please!

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A little orphan looked up at me and said...

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Nicola Berti's been stabbed!

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Don't worry, I know first aid.

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She's bleeding out by the school gates. Go, quick!

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Go. Go.

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Okey-dokey, time for a little chat.

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Is Nicola going to die?

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Nicola? Oh, no, that was just something I said

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to get rid of Kevin of Nazareth.

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-Gullible!

-So not LOL, sir.

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What's that?

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Mr Schwimer ran the New York Marathon for Protect The Rhino.

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Protect The Rhino? They're basically dinosaurs!

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I think they can look after themselves.

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I have been thinking long and hard about how I'm going to get you back.

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I have considered every possible option -

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and I'm going to need one of you to say that Kevin touched you.

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A little fiddle. Anyone?

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Oh, God, you guys are so square!

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Joe? Your new haircut's given you a kind of choirboy vibe.

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They tend to dig that look.

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No way.

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I just want my class back. What am I going to do?

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Cut and run? Take me to France, sir.

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Overnight ferry, shack up in Bordeaux, let the man-hunt begin.

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Come and get us, Interpol.

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-I've got a plan to get rid of him, sir.

-Shoot.

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Right, we're going to need a van, some cable ties and an alibi.

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Oh! Mitchell, we're not re-enacting your parents' honeymoon.

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We have to get rid of Kevin somehow. He's such a dick.

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Isn't he?

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Well, the thing is, sir, Mr Schwimer's actually pretty rad.

0:13:050:13:09

Rad? Who are you?

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Look, what has this guy got that I haven't?

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-Timetables.

-Abs.

-Dress sense.

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-A penis.

-Mr Schwimer went to college with Ashton Kutcher.

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So what? Give a shit? I've got celebrity friends, too.

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My friend Atticus Hoye was on Total Wipeout.

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Mr Schwimer's a pro skater, sir. He invented his own trick.

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What else has he done? Turned water into wine?

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He's teetotal.

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Jesus! As if he couldn't get any creepier!

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Kids, if I can teach you one thing about life,

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never trust a man that doesn't drink.

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Has Kevin just been peacocking all morning?

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I mean, has he actually taught you anything?

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The English kings and queens.

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All of them? That's impossible.

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Five, six, seven, eight...

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Willie, Willie, Harry, Ste, Harry, Dick, John, Harry three,

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one-two-three Neds, Richard two, Harrys four-five-six, then who?

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Edwards four-five, Dick the bad, Harrys seven-eight, Ned the Lad,

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Mary, Bessie, James the Vain, Charlie, Charlie, James again,

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William, Mary, Anna Gloria, four Georges, William, Victoria,

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Edward seven next, and then George the fifth in 1910,

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Ned the eighth soon abdicated then George the sixth was coronated,

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and if you've not lost your breath, give a cheer for Elizabeth.

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THEY CHEER

0:14:220:14:24

Meh?

0:14:280:14:29

When would you actually use that?

0:14:290:14:32

I teach you transferable life skills,

0:14:320:14:35

like the rap from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!

0:14:350:14:38

In West Philadelphia, born and raised...

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Please, not again.

0:14:400:14:43

Stop it.

0:14:430:14:44

Oh!

0:14:450:14:48

Please help me! I hate 2J!

0:14:480:14:51

One of them made me... fellate a Pritt Stick.

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My mouth's still gluey.

0:14:560:14:57

LAUGHTER

0:14:570:14:59

Why don't you seduce Miss Pickwell? Flirt your way out of it.

0:14:590:15:02

You can practise on me, if you like.

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Please, Chantelle!

0:15:040:15:05

I would have to try literally everything

0:15:050:15:08

before I resorted to flirting with Pickwell.

0:15:080:15:11

Hey, Izz. You're looking pretty fit today.

0:15:160:15:19

How do you get that lovely natural glow to your skin?

0:15:210:15:24

Pumice and bleach. What do you want?

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Just wanted to ask you a question.

0:15:290:15:32

Are you from Tennessee?

0:15:330:15:35

Cos you're the only TEN AH SEE.

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Plans tonight? Me, you, my crib,

0:15:400:15:45

turn my onesie into a twosie?

0:15:450:15:47

Hey, was your dad a thief?

0:15:490:15:53

No, he was a butcher in East Kilbride.

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Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.

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Was your father a surgeon,

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because he stole the brain of an ape

0:16:010:16:03

and put it into the body

0:16:030:16:06

of a hairy little girl?

0:16:060:16:08

Come, come, Iso-bel, there's no need to be like that.

0:16:080:16:13

(Oh, silly me.)

0:16:150:16:17

HE GROANS

0:16:220:16:23

30 minutes. Me on top.

0:16:280:16:31

Penetrative.

0:16:330:16:34

Those are my terms, Mr Wickers,

0:16:340:16:37

should you wish to screw your way out of this.

0:16:370:16:40

Oh, and biting.

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Lots and lots of biting.

0:16:410:16:46

# Look at me, I just can't believe

0:16:540:16:57

# What they've done to me

0:16:570:16:59

# We could never get free

0:16:590:17:01

# I just wanna be I just wanna be

0:17:010:17:05

# Look at me, I just can't believe

0:17:050:17:08

# What they've done to me

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# We could never get free I just wanna be

0:17:100:17:14

# Look at me

0:17:150:17:17

# I just can't believe

0:17:190:17:21

# I just wanna dream, dream... #

0:17:240:17:28

Yo, alpha male!

0:17:280:17:30

Hey, you know Kevin DJs? He's coming round mine later.

0:17:300:17:33

I'm gonna play my mashup of Chaka Khan and Chaka Demus and Pliers.

0:17:330:17:36

It's called Chaka Chaka Demus and Khan. Are you in?

0:17:360:17:38

Oh, God, no, I can't.

0:17:380:17:40

I've got to go home tonight and run a bath to slit my wrists in

0:17:400:17:43

because someone gave my class away to some stupid American that

0:17:430:17:45

they've all fallen in love with, and I'm stuck with shitty, horrible 2J.

0:17:450:17:49

-Why have you got a recorder?

-Well, I read this article

0:17:490:17:52

written by a freelance pest control expert in Germany.

0:17:520:17:54

From what I could gather,

0:17:540:17:55

his method for drawing the rats away from the villagers was this...

0:17:550:17:59

The Pied Piper?

0:18:020:18:04

Yeah, the Pied Piper! You know him? Hm!

0:18:040:18:06

Mitchell, what are you guys doing?

0:18:080:18:10

I'm going to get Emo Elliot to lend Mr Schwimer his skateboard.

0:18:100:18:13

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-Oi, catch the rugger ball, Jonathan Wilkinson.

0:18:140:18:19

Here, surprise, sir. Do us a trick?

0:18:220:18:25

Er, I can't. No, I mean, with my knees!

0:18:250:18:28

I mean, they're just in super-real bad shape, you know,

0:18:280:18:31

after the marathon.

0:18:310:18:32

-Don't be a pussy, sir!

-Yeah, go on, sir!

0:18:320:18:35

-I bet you're amazing at it.

-I'll do a trick.

0:18:350:18:37

Well, yeah! Yeah, Mr Wickers will do the trick!

0:18:370:18:39

-Can you skate?

-Tony Hawk's, intermediate.

0:18:390:18:41

Gaming don't make you a skater, you melt.

0:18:410:18:44

Rooney plays FIFA, so eat a bag of shit for breakfast, Mitchell.

0:18:440:18:47

Just give me the board, dickhead.

0:18:470:18:49

And stand back, kids -

0:18:520:18:54

this school's insurance policy doesn't cover blown minds.

0:18:540:18:57

Hash-tag "this shit gonna be cray".

0:18:570:19:00

This shit gonna be 50 shades of cray.

0:19:000:19:03

Wick-ers, Wick-ers, Wick-ers, Wick-ers!

0:19:030:19:06

-Oh!

-Oh, shit!

0:19:110:19:14

You OK, buddy?

0:19:200:19:23

Am I dead?

0:19:240:19:26

Oh, Mother Teresa, where did it all go wrong?

0:19:410:19:45

Sir?

0:19:530:19:54

Oh, hey, Jing, where are the others?

0:19:540:19:58

Mr Schwimer's friend from the British Museum

0:19:580:20:00

lent him some weapons and armour.

0:20:000:20:02

They're all outside doing a Civil War re-enactment.

0:20:020:20:05

Class Wars? Is nothing sacred?

0:20:050:20:09

I need to talk to you about something.

0:20:090:20:11

Jenga. Remember when we used this

0:20:110:20:13

to run through 9/11 conspiracy theories?

0:20:130:20:16

See? Still got the FBI dynamite on it.

0:20:160:20:19

And look!

0:20:190:20:21

It's all the Jews that didn't go into work that day.

0:20:210:20:24

Take it.

0:20:240:20:25

Something to remember me by.

0:20:250:20:27

-You're not dying.

-Inside I am, Jing.

0:20:270:20:31

But it's all right. I understand.

0:20:310:20:34

I have to let you go. Just promise me this.

0:20:340:20:36

Don't ever let that man patronise you.

0:20:360:20:40

Look! My suffragette glove puppets! Please give me the vote.

0:20:400:20:44

Watch out for the horsey!

0:20:440:20:46

Listen. Mr Schwimer isn't who he says he is.

0:20:480:20:51

Jing, I get it. I'm shitty old Alfie,

0:20:510:20:54

he's Mr Perfect Good-Teeth Junior the Third.

0:20:540:20:58

But he isn't perfect!

0:20:580:21:00

Look at this photo. Something's not right.

0:21:020:21:05

Look.

0:21:050:21:07

Oh, my God. The jogger behind him has a semi.

0:21:070:21:11

No, Mr Schwimer.

0:21:110:21:13

Mr Schwimer's got a semi?

0:21:130:21:14

The hand!

0:21:140:21:15

That's a wedding ring - and it's a ladies arm.

0:21:150:21:19

Mr Schwimer isn't married...

0:21:190:21:22

or a lady.

0:21:220:21:23

I knew there was something wrong with him from the start.

0:21:230:21:25

It's his eyes, right? Too close together.

0:21:250:21:27

No! He said he went to Harvard, California,

0:21:270:21:30

but Harvard's in Massachusetts.

0:21:300:21:32

And did you see how reluctant the pro skater was in doing a trick?

0:21:320:21:35

Why are you helping me, Jing?

0:21:350:21:37

Because I love this class. It's just not the same without you.

0:21:370:21:42

You're an idiot, but you're also a nice, kind man.

0:21:420:21:46

Let's destroy this bastard's life.

0:21:480:21:51

It's mashup time, dedicated to my new best buddy,

0:21:510:21:53

two time Super Bowl winner, Mr Schwimer.

0:21:530:21:57

MUSIC PLAYS OVER MONTAGE: Mashup of Chaka Khan and Chaka Demus and Pliers

0:21:570:22:03

And one of my ancestors actually fought in the Battle of Agincourt.

0:22:190:22:23

Oi! Kevin.

0:22:230:22:25

Yo, G.

0:22:250:22:26

-Mr Wickers to you, mate.

-It's time you confessed.

0:22:260:22:29

Let me see your arms.

0:22:290:22:30

My arms? Oh, mi lud, stick a shilling up me chuffer!

0:22:300:22:36

This is another one of your dry, British irony jokes, right?

0:22:360:22:39

Stop trying to rape Mr Schwimer, sir.

0:22:390:22:41

Shut up, Mitchell!

0:22:410:22:42

Are those your arms?

0:22:440:22:45

Yes.

0:22:450:22:47

They look pretty feminine to me.

0:22:470:22:49

I have slim arms.

0:22:490:22:50

Slim, hairless, married ladies' arms?

0:22:500:22:54

-Yes.

-Oh, funny that,

0:22:540:22:56

cos didn't you win a gold medal in the Olympic rowing, right?

0:22:560:23:00

Um...

0:23:000:23:01

The US team won bronze, and you weren't in it.

0:23:010:23:04

I don't even remember saying that.

0:23:040:23:06

You're not a pro skater, or a DJ.

0:23:060:23:09

Oh, and that horrible war in Malawi.

0:23:090:23:12

Don't bring the war into this! You weren't there, man.

0:23:120:23:14

No, I wasn't. No-one was. Because there wasn't a civil war in Malawi.

0:23:140:23:19

You're a pathological liar.

0:23:190:23:20

So, come on, Kevin, what have you got to say for yourself?

0:23:200:23:23

Spit it out. We're all ears.

0:23:230:23:26

Sure, I exaggerate a bit. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

0:23:290:23:35

I just wanted you to like me.

0:23:350:23:37

Oh, God, a teacher craving his pupils' approval?

0:23:370:23:42

Pathetic. Go on, piss off.

0:23:420:23:46

So it was all lies?

0:23:460:23:47

You never won the Super Bowl?

0:23:470:23:48

You don't know Ashton?

0:23:480:23:50

I'll never meet Demi.

0:23:500:23:52

It's all fake.

0:23:520:23:53

The stories, the Harvard education, this stupid plastic armour.

0:23:530:23:59

-What?

-Yeah, these shitty little toy guns.

0:24:000:24:03

Please be careful! Those are actually antique.

0:24:030:24:05

Ooh, my name's Kevin and I've got a buddy at the British Museum!

0:24:050:24:09

-GUNSHOT, SCREAMING

-Oh, dear.

0:24:090:24:10

Argh!

0:24:100:24:12

SHOUTING

0:24:120:24:14

They were loaded! Are you insane?

0:24:140:24:16

They weren't supposed to be fired!

0:24:160:24:17

You shot him in the arse! Brilliant!

0:24:170:24:20

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

0:24:200:24:21

Don't worry, Joe, it's just a little flesh wound.

0:24:210:24:25

HELP! HELP!

0:24:250:24:26

Someone go and get help. Does anyone know first aid?

0:24:260:24:30

-I do.

-Really?

0:24:300:24:31

-No.

-Oh, Jesus!

0:24:310:24:33

Sir, you're meant to suck the bullet out.

0:24:330:24:35

No, you idiot, you're meant to piss on it.

0:24:350:24:37

That's jellyfish, you tit! Wait - that is jellyfish, right?

0:24:370:24:40

Lie on your front.

0:24:400:24:41

-No. No, Jing, it's fine. I'll do it, I'm desperate, anyway.

-No, sir!

0:24:410:24:46

Joe, just a quick one.

0:24:460:24:48

You know the way your mum's not a massive fan of mine,

0:24:480:24:51

if she asks about this - she might not -

0:24:510:24:53

-could you maybe tell her that you sat on the bullet?

-Argh!

0:24:530:24:56

Wrong moment.

0:24:560:24:58

-Help! HELP!

-Sir literally gave him a new arsehole.

0:24:580:25:01

Why is no-one coming? Pass me the other gun!

0:25:010:25:03

-Gonna put him out of his misery, sir?

-No, distress signal. Give it here.

0:25:030:25:08

GUNSHOT

0:25:090:25:11

SCREECH

0:25:110:25:12

Oh, shit. Rumsfeld!

0:25:140:25:17

Shit, shit, shit! Please don't be dead, please don't be dead.

0:25:170:25:20

One, two, one, two.

0:25:200:25:23

-Come on, Rumsfeld.

-Don't fly towards the light.

0:25:230:25:25

-Pickwell's coming.

-Oh, no!

0:25:250:25:27

SHE MOUTHS

0:25:310:25:33

Right, if anyone asks, Kevin fired the guns.

0:25:330:25:37

-Yup.

-Sure.

-Definitely.

-That's a lie!

0:25:370:25:38

Is it a lie? Or am I just exaggerating?

0:25:380:25:41

My baby!

0:25:420:25:43

I heard gunshots!

0:25:430:25:45

The man of steel is here to save the day.

0:25:450:25:48

Are you OK, sweetheart?

0:25:510:25:52

My bum hurts.

0:25:520:25:54

Not for the first time.

0:25:540:25:55

Keep pressure on the wound. What have you done?

0:25:550:25:59

It wasn't him, Miss Gulliver. I fired the gun by mistake.

0:26:000:26:05

See, you told me my kids wouldn't take a bullet for me, but...

0:26:050:26:09

-Joe's a hero, miss.

-He threw his arse in front of the bullet!

0:26:090:26:12

Yeah, his bottom was like Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard.

0:26:120:26:15

Forget about the boy! Rumsfeld!

0:26:150:26:18

This man has lied about everything!

0:26:180:26:21

-Except for the bit about shooting Joe.

-I'm a fraud.

0:26:210:26:24

But what about my mash-ups? You said you liked them?

0:26:240:26:26

I didn't really.

0:26:260:26:27

You're dead to me.

0:26:270:26:29

When we confronted him, he freaked out and turned the gun on Joe.

0:26:290:26:32

And then he reloaded to shoot your pigeon.

0:26:320:26:34

I have a problem. I can't help lying.

0:26:340:26:37

I say one thing and then it just spirals.

0:26:370:26:40

-BIRMINGHAM ACCENT:

-I'm not even from America. I'm from Birmingham.

0:26:400:26:44

Not even Birmingham, actually.

0:26:440:26:46

Dudley, near Tipton, you know, off the A4123.

0:26:460:26:51

Sorry, everyone.

0:26:510:26:52

Now I've been honest, can we be buddies? I've got a jetpack.

0:26:520:26:56

I flew to France on it, all the way... Brrrrrr!

0:26:560:26:59

Do you want to have a go?

0:26:590:27:00

I'll have a go.

0:27:000:27:01

He's lying again, isn't he?

0:27:040:27:06

If you ever set foot on these premises again,

0:27:060:27:08

I will personally send you back to Dudley piece by piece.

0:27:080:27:12

Starting with these.

0:27:120:27:13

Does this mean we get Mr Wickers back?

0:27:190:27:22

I think it does.

0:27:220:27:23

Yes!

0:27:230:27:25

That's right, kids, Daddy's back for good.

0:27:250:27:28

And I will never, ever let you get put in danger again

0:27:280:27:33

because I am here to protect you, children.

0:27:330:27:36

23rd October 1942. The tank battle of El-Alamein.

0:27:360:27:40

Rommel, ready?

0:27:400:27:43

Monty, ready?

0:27:430:27:45

Three, two, one!

0:27:450:27:49

Oh, fuck!

0:27:560:27:57

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