Valentine's Day Bad Education

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

Oh, Alfred, this arrived in the post for you.

Happy Valentine's, pal.

It's not from her, is it?

No.

Though I'm sure Mum's thinking about us,

over in Spain with Javier... and their children.

Forest Fruit?

So, are you bringing anyone to dinner tonight?

Ah, 'fraid not. Women aren't interested in an old saddo like me.

Do you know, the other day I was trying to remember

the last time I touched a woman's breast.

It was your grandmother's - she'd asked me to check for a lump.

Oh, Dad, TMI.

You don't have to cook for me tonight. We could go out, lads on the town! Have a few Jaguar bombs.

It's pronounced Jaeger bomb.

And anyway, how many times do I have to tell you?

It's Valentine's Day - people assume we're a couple.

Well, it's not going to happen this year, is it?

Not with your girlfriend in tow!

I cannot wait to meet the famous Rosie Gullivard.

-Gulliver.

-She is still coming, isn't she?

Um, yeah.

BELL RINGS Well, shouldn't you be going in?

I might just stay a little bit longer.

Look, trooper. I was a teacher for over 25 years

and do you know the most important lesson I learnt?

Respect is earned, not given.

Dad, just give it a rest.

And for your information, I have the pupils' respect.

Dr Alfinstein! Stop playing God and meet our new deputy head.

Hi. Alfie.

Professor Green.

What, seriously? As in Professor Green?

Yes, my ex-husband is the feted gastroenterologist Professor Herman Green.

No, Pro Green? The best British rapper since Brian Harvey,

or maybe J from 5ive.

I'm afraid I'm not very au fait with the rap-hop.

I have, however, just been told all about Abbey Grove's..."wunderkind".

Smoocher! A-ha, Smoocher!

You forgot your lunch box.

I popped an extra Yakult in there, help settle your tummy.

He's got the...

..squits. Celia!

-Martin?

-You know each other?

Know each other? We did our teacher training together.

Must be, what, 25 years?

-But what are you doing here?

-I pined for a challenge!

To salvage a struggling school, get it shipshape, hence Abbey Grove.

Aye, aye, Cap'n!

-Classic!

-Well, it wasn't.

How's...Herman, isn't it?

Ah. Herman and I are no longer...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Herman never understood that my career came first.

Perhaps that's what drove the little naughty man into the arms of a young...er lady!

It's, um, ham and...

Coleslaw.

-Coleslaw.

-Yes.

-BELL RINGS

-Ah, the call to arms.

Well, I mustn't keep you. After all "Punctuality is...

BOTH: "The politeness of kings."

Go!

Well, well, well. Martin Stool.

Wickers. He took my mum's name, unsurprisingly.

I can see you've got a whiff of the Stool about you.

Probably the squits!

Well, off to teach my first class. Au revoir.

Ferrero Roche.

You seem disappointed.

You thought it was going to be the real Pro Green, didn't you?

MUSIC: "Monster" by Professor Green

Hey, 'sup, guys. Sweet threads.

Sir, why are we wearing our home clothes?

Cos Pickwell's dead! From now on, it's ice cream for breakfast, bitches!

Joe, you're worse than my dad. Why are you so chipper?

He's in lovvvvee.

ALL: Oooh!

Gay!

So, that's why you've come as Olly Murs?

Erm, Joseph, what's his name?

HER name is Alison Dear and she's beautiful.

Alison Dear?

Oh, Ally Dear!

# Why do birds suddenly appear every time she is near? #

Cos her breath smells like a trawler.

Alfie, do you think I should send her a card?

That'd be a first. Someone sending a card TO Moonpig.

You're just jealous cos you haven't got anyone to send a card TO.

Ooh, Father's Day all over again.

I got this card from Mitchell's mum.

"Dear Rem-Dogg, here's your £20 back.

"I can't charge you cos you were so good!"

And I got a card from YOUR mum.

Giving me back the Wotsits that I paid HER with!

-"PS, you banged me so hard now

-I'm

-in a wheelchair."

Guys, I realise it's Valentine's Day,

but could you please stop flirting?

Speaking of which, where's Chantelle?

-She's seeing the school nurse.

-Is she ill?

Sorry, sir, she made me make a BFF personal padlock pinky promise.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah, Mr Wickers. Could we have a tete-a-tete in the corridor?

Rem-Dogg, by the way, if you have been sleeping with Mitchell's mum

I suggest you go and give your cock a thorough clean.

Mr Wickers, is it my little betise,

or does the school have a uniform?

Yeah, a really stupid one.

Hence I told my kids they can wear what they like now.

You'll think me a grumpy old sourpuss,

but I do think it lends Abbey Grove a certain sartorial elegance.

I don't know what that means, so shall we just agree to disagree?

Shouldn't one agree to agree with one's deputy head?

I don't really go in for that whole teacher, naggy shit.

Me and the kids are mates.

"I", Mr Wickers, not "me".

I and the kids are mates.

But just, go with the flow.

And, hey, remember, respect is a dish best served earned,

not served...given.

So, are we still on for tonight?

-Tonight?

-Yeah, you know how ages and ages ago

we arranged for you to come to dinner because for some weird reason

my dad thinks we're going out?

What?! Why does your dad think that we're going out?

-Long story, don't want to bore you with it.

-Try me.

I told him. Please do this for me?

I'm seeing Alex.

But he's really depressed. If he finds out that I'm unhappy too

this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

-Are you saying your father's life is in my hands?

-Er, no,

but literary analogy, you're Ted Hughes, my dad's Sylvia Plath.

I don't want to find him putting his head into a gas oven.

He's not going to put his head in an oven if I don't come for dinner.

Yeah, well, obviously not, cos I don't have an oven in my flat.

He could use the microwave.

Actually, you couldn't use a microwave

cos when you tried to shut it your head would stop the door.

He could take it into the bath.

Shower! My flat only has a shower!

Sorry, read that essay title again?

"Who first popularised the 'Awooga' mantra? Discuss."

And how is this relevant?

Look, Jing, now that Pickwell's not around to tell me

what I can and can't teach,

you're going to notice quite a few changes round here.

Now, scholars are divided into three schools of thought.

Charles, Akabusi, "Fash the Bash" Fashanu.

Oi, Dickers, what you doing tonight? Fash-the-bashing one out to ten-minute free-view?

No, Mitchell. If you must know

I'm going on a Valentine's Day dinner...with my dad.

I can't work out whether that's really sweet or incredibly sad.

The problem is, right, I told him Miss Gulliver's my girlfriend

and he wants to meet her tonight but she won't come with me,

-so I need a surrogate.

-OK, so mainly sad.

-My sister might be up for helping you out, sir. She ain't got a date tonight.

-Really?

Oh, wait - do I have to, like, grab her

or fight someone in a car park to win her hand?

Nah, just get her a Bargain Bucket. I'll text her now.

Oh, thanks, mate. Really appreciate that.

Murs, are you all right?

It's Ally. I was going to ask her out, but she totally blanked me.

She probably doesn't even realise you like her, mate!

I just feel so empty.

-Don't look it.

-Sir, I've got something for you to look at.

If you've put undergarments in my Valentine's card again,

-I'm not accepting them.

-No, sir. Look!

I'm pregnant!

Are you sure?

Yep, she showed me the test and everything.

Maybe all that flirting was just a cry for help.

Why didn't I do something earlier?

Talk to her - you're a good listener.

-Sorry, what?

-I said you're a good listener.

Yeah, you're right, I shouldn't blame myself.

If anything, I've fulfilled my role as a guardian.

If the finger's going to be pointed at anyone it's her peer groups,

whether that's her friends at school or her parents. Bang on.

A teenage pregnancy foisted upon me already!

Abbey Grove does not disappoint.

God.

I'm sorry, Rosie, I've failed her.

Alfie, calm down. Just call Chantelle's mum.

No way! She's so flirty.

Plus, I think her number's a premium line.

Still, no doubt the whole school can learn a lesson from her predicament.

The school isn't learning anything.

That, I do not dispute.

I meant from Chantelle. She's not going public with it.

She's made us all make a BFF personal padlock pinky promise.

Do we know who sired the infant?

Who's the father?

Oh. We don't know, but I guess we'll find out soon.

She's going to name the baby after its dad.

SHE LAUGHS

Sorry, what do you know about Chantelle?

Well, I know that letting pupils...how did you put it?

"Go with the flow"?

..Always damages the reputation of a school. Full stop.

Yeah, well, I let my pupils "go with the flow"

because I'm not here to bully them, am I? Full stop.

That's not a full stop, that's a question mark.

You asked me a question.

Whatever. Comma.

Semi-colon. Square brackets.

That stupid "and".

He's just upset, Celia.

I think I prefer Professor Green.

I think I prefer Miss Pickwell.

Alfie, look, just talk to Chantelle, OK?

And I suggest you do so with greater didacticism.

Oooh! I'll be piling on the didackanism by the shedload.

Just as soon as I've googled it to find out what it means.

Help! Help!

Thanks, Alf. I got stuck - bloody Love Lift!

-What is this?

-This bad boy is for Abbey Grove's very own Take Me Out.

I'm getting the shy kids off Virgin Rail and onto the Pum-Tang Express.

A dating show for the kids? Well, that's going to be pants.

Actually, wait, can we pick who goes on it?

-Of course.

-You know Alison Dear?

Oh, Ally Dear? We can put her down.

I didn't know you were a chubby chaser.

No, not for me. I'm trying to set her up with Joe Poulter.

Consider it done. See, now you likey?

I don't like-li... It's a shit idea

but at least it's better than your tragic online dating.

There's nothing tragic about my date tonight. The itinerary -

ice skating, Pizza-Sex-press, then apres,

see if we can't find the willy-wagon somewhere warm to park...

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

MUSIC: "Only For Tonight" by Zinc feat. Sasha Keable

Chantelle, I think at some point we should, er, you know, um, talk...

About the baby? Have you told anyone else?

No! BFF personal padlock pinky promise.

Thanks, sir. Oh, I've changed my mind.

I'm naming him after my favourite teacher.

Baby Alfie.

Oh, right...good.

Sir, do you think pregnancy's made my breasts bigger?

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-I'm just going to...go over there.

Alfie, I feel like there's something I need to make really clear.

I honestly can't come tonight.

Oh. One of those Royal Mail missed delivery things.

It's handwritten.

So it is. Royal Mail - the personal touch.

-It's your address.

-I must...live above a depot.

Look, please come. I know it's a weird situation, but I'm desperate.

I'm sorry, Alf, I'm seeing Alex tonight.

And if you must know, we're having some problems.

Turns out I do have some issues with my...

# I'm sexy and I know it...

CHEERING

# I'm sexy and I know it... #

Come on!

Calm down, calm down!

Hello and welcome to Take Me Out!

We've got six lovely ladies gagging for a fella

-and the date of a lifetime on the Isle of...

-ALL: Fernandoze!

That's it, girls, zhuzh up your hair, pout your lips

and hitch up your skir...

Hair again.

Let the Abbey see the Grove.

Single men, reveal yourselves!

It's Reggie Blinker!

GROANING

# I'm sexy and I know it... #

-You know how it works, girls, no likey...

-No lighty!

Oh, God. This is going to be a car crash.

No likey, no light...aaaah!

CHANTING: Off! Off! Off!

Let Mr Popplecock

see the redundancy package!

Probably not the time for this announcement, but, seriously -

we will all miss you.

Single man, reveal yourself!

THUMPING

Help! Help!

-The door's a bit sticky...

-Help!

Just needs a bit of force.

Come on, big guy, work with me here.

ALL: Oh!

Oh, my God, he looks like a Smurf.

-So, no likey...

-No lighty.

Yes! Get in there!

Round two! So, what sets you apart from the crowd?

Um. Asthma?

And a big willy - woooo!

So, why do you want to be on the show?

Um, I just wanted to ask, um...

Ally...

..um, would you...?

What are you doing?

I know it's awfully jolly, trivialising sexual promiscuity...

Are you from the past? I mean, who even talks like that?

..but given the current situation...

What situation?

Chantelle Parsons. She's pregnant.

Oops! What a slippy goose!

Right! You have no right to talk about that!

Sir! You broke the BFF personal padlock pinky promise!

I'm sorry. I was asking Miss Gulliver for advice.

And YOU! I told you this was a secret.

God, you can be so didactism - noun, intending to teach,

with an emphasis on moral instruction.

I can be so didactic, Alfred. The adjective.

Look, it's not Chantelle's fault.

If anyone's to blame for this pregnancy, it's me.

Sir, will you look after me and Baby Alfie?

Baby Alfie? Mr Wickers!

No, I forgot to tell you...

Dickers is the dad. What a nonce!

-At least you're not firing blanks.

-It's not mine, you idiot.

I just meant that I'd help look after the child.

Yeah. Sir's trying to be nice, like Jean Valjean in Les Mis.

Yes, exactly, like Stephen says, like the man in Les Miserables.

-Prove it, sir. Sing!

-I'm not going to sing.

Explain yourself, Mr Wickers.

I... It's not...

Dream a dream. Sing!

-Yeah, go on, sir.

-Don't.

# Chantelle, I shall be the child's guardian

# Even though I did not shag you

# I have done no wrong Just like Jean Valjean.

# He stole a loaf of bread

# I stand accused of putting a bun in the oven insteeeaaaad. #

That was so beautiful!

-Why did you do that?

-(I don't know.)

Mr Wickers, if you have impregnated this young lady,

I shall be calling the constabulary.

The police.

No! Not the police! No, Professor Green. Please!

Wait! I'm not pregnant.

What?!

I lied.

I just wanted it to look like someone loves me.

And I wanted you to notice me, sir.

Chantelle, you don't need to lie to get my attention.

I'm always here for you.

Yeah, so back off, Javert.

-Alfie, Ally's going on a date with me!

-Really?

Yeah. On Saturday, we're going to World of Waffles in Watford!

Amazing, mate. Well done. Ooh, and you know what that means?

Cos I kinda made it happen, you are indebted to me

for the rest of your life, so... you can cook, right?

Yeah, I know my way around a George Foreman grill.

-Will you help me with my dinner party tonight?

-OK.

Sweet! I knew I could count on you. Cheers, mate.

Oi, Vagitarian, get your sister round mine for about 7, 7:30.

I'm afraid she ain't coming nowhere near you, mate.

-What? Why?

-Well, she Facebooked you.

-We had a deal.

-Well, I didn't make your profile picture

-some nerd dressed as Gandalf.

-Me and the lads were on a pub crawl.

Don't worry. I got a back-up plan. One of my brother's girlfriends said she'll do it.

-You promise me this time?

-Yes, Bilbo Bell-End. Just text me your address and she'll be there.

OK, deal! And FYI, I wasn't dressed as Gandalf.

I was dressed as Sauron, in his guise as the first Chief Lieutenant

to the first Dark Lord, Morgoth, around the time he overran Eregion,

killed Celebrimbor, leader of the Elven-smiths, and sealed seven of the nine Rings of Power.

So who's the dickhead now?

Sweet - Mitchell's brother's girlfriend's on her way.

Here are your ingredients.

Mitchell got it for me.

Alfie, I can cook spag bol but I can't cook bunny rabbits.

Oh, come on, it's easy! Just shave it, stick an onion up its bum

and then put it in the microwave.

Hey, Smooch, groovy news. I've got a hot date.

That's brilliant, Dad. Who is she?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, sorry, there must be some kind of a mix-up.

Halloween's not till October,

and even then, it's only really the children who dress up as monsters,

so how about you "fuck off" and stop trying to "ruin my life"?

Good evening, Alfred.

Celia! Aloha!

Let me take your coat.

Shut. Up.

-So lovely to see you, Martin.

-Oh, likewise.

What are you doing here?

Your father invited me for dinner on the Facebook.

Oh! I don't know what is more sickening,

the fact that YOU'RE here or that my dad's on Facebook.

Poke!

Poke!

Poke! Glass of vinegar, my luvver?

Oh!

So did you meet Alfred's bit of skirt today?

Oh! I thought Alfie was single!

Hands off! Alfie is dating the famous Rosie Gulliver.

She's coming tonight - it's a double date.

Is she now?

Professor Green, could I have a word with you in the kitchen

about your dietary requirements?

Look, the Rosie Gulliver coming for dinner tonight

isn't the real Rosie Gulliver.

My dad's got confused and now it's too far down the line.

I'm begging you, when you see this girl, can you just...

Go with the flow?

My kids'll be back in school uniforms tomorrow.

-And you'll stop setting them essays on catchphrases from the '90s?

-(Yes.)

And you'll stop teaching us topless whenever it's hot?

Shut up, Joe. This has nothing to do with you.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be "Rosie".

You Mitchell's mate?

His brother sent me.

Oh, shit!

No, Mitchell, your brother is not a playa, he's a payer.

She is 100% a prostitute!

Hi. I can offer you £20, some cod liver oil and a rabbit...

to make you go away.

How d'you cook that?

Onion up the bum. Bye!

You know, now you've paid,

you can put your onion up my rabbit-hole!

MUSIC: "A Little Party Never Killed Nobody" by Fergie

I wanted the car cleaned on the outside AND the inside,

but they thought I only wanted the outside done.

In the end, I had to vacuum the inside myself!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, Martin, that is such a funny story!

Funny?! I think you need to check your dictionary app.

God! This is the most middle-aged dinner party ever.

Martin, do you like the television programme Mad Men?

I love it.

Mmm, I think you're a bit of a Don Draper.

OK, toots. Care for another Scotch?

Oh, sorry, that was an American accent?

Dad, you sounded like a Jamaican having a stroke.

My wife went to the West Indies.

-(Oh, God.)

-Jamaica?

No, she went of her own acc...

THEY LAUGH

Joe! Can you please bring in some bleach so I can kill myself?

Oops, someone's a bit T-I-R-DE.

Cheer up, Grumpo. Rosie'll pull through, it's only a touch of flu.

Yes. So sad she's not feeling herself.

Look...Dad, I might as well just be honest with you.

The thing is, Rosie...

DOORBELL RINGS

Rosie!

I thought...

What about Alex?

We've broken up.

Anyway, I just thought that you might cheer me up.

You could tell your face to look a little less happy.

I can't believe you came!

Well, you were there for Chantelle so I thought I'd be here for you.

Thanks. Oh, and you don't need to pretend to be my girlfriend.

I'm just going to tell my dad the truth.

No, I don't mind being your girlfriend for one night.

-Does that mean you'll be sleeping over?

-No.

Oh, sorry, it's just, I have this Postman Pat bed linen

-so I would've change...

-Shall I come in?

Yeah. Pro Green won't know what's hit her!

-Pro Green?!

-Don't ask.

Dad, Celia, guess who's here?

Hey, Miss Gulliver.

Where are they?

Oh, um, Pro Green wanted to take a look at your bedroom

so your dad took her in there. He's very drunk.

My bedroom?!

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God.

Oh, Celia! Not in Alfie's room!

I've made blancmange.

GROANING AND THUMPING

GROANING AND THUMPING CONTINUE

Did you know that apart from us,

the only other animal to get sunburnt is the pig?

GRUNTING AND MOANING

God. Imagine if this got round the school.

We won't tell anyone.

TEXT ALERT

It's Mitchell.

"What's long and hard and covered in Green? Your dad's cock".

Joe!

I might have tweeted, like, once.

THUMPING AND GRUNTING INTENSIFIES

MOANING CLIMAXES

-Oh!

-Oh, yeah.

Alfred.

Rosie!

"Go with the flow"!

Well, jolly good. Bravo.

-Goodnight.

-Bye, Martin.

Alfred. Rosemary.

-Goodnight.

-Night.

-Night.

Dad, this is...

Hi, I'm Rosie.

Oh, er, probably best not shake my...

I'm just going to put these sheets in the wash.

I tried to keep a lid on it but...it's been a while.

Postman Pat's fine.

(Mrs Goggins took the brunt of it.)

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd