Browse content similar to Valentine's Day. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour. | 0:00:00 | 0:00:04 | |
Oh, Alfred, this arrived in the post for you. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:09 | |
Happy Valentine's, pal. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:11 | |
It's not from her, is it? | 0:00:14 | 0:00:15 | |
No. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:18 | |
Though I'm sure Mum's thinking about us, | 0:00:18 | 0:00:21 | |
over in Spain with Javier... and their children. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:24 | |
Forest Fruit? | 0:00:27 | 0:00:28 | |
So, are you bringing anyone to dinner tonight? | 0:00:31 | 0:00:35 | |
Ah, 'fraid not. Women aren't interested in an old saddo like me. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:39 | |
Do you know, the other day I was trying to remember | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
the last time I touched a woman's breast. | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
It was your grandmother's - she'd asked me to check for a lump. | 0:00:46 | 0:00:50 | |
Oh, Dad, TMI. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
You don't have to cook for me tonight. We could go out, lads on the town! Have a few Jaguar bombs. | 0:00:53 | 0:00:58 | |
It's pronounced Jaeger bomb. | 0:00:58 | 0:00:59 | |
And anyway, how many times do I have to tell you? | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
It's Valentine's Day - people assume we're a couple. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
Well, it's not going to happen this year, is it? | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
Not with your girlfriend in tow! | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
I cannot wait to meet the famous Rosie Gullivard. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
-Gulliver. -She is still coming, isn't she? | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
Um, yeah. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:16 | |
BELL RINGS Well, shouldn't you be going in? | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
I might just stay a little bit longer. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
Look, trooper. I was a teacher for over 25 years | 0:01:27 | 0:01:31 | |
and do you know the most important lesson I learnt? | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
Respect is earned, not given. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:37 | |
Dad, just give it a rest. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
And for your information, I have the pupils' respect. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:43 | |
Dr Alfinstein! Stop playing God and meet our new deputy head. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:24 | |
Hi. Alfie. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
Professor Green. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:27 | |
What, seriously? As in Professor Green? | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
Yes, my ex-husband is the feted gastroenterologist Professor Herman Green. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:38 | |
No, Pro Green? The best British rapper since Brian Harvey, | 0:02:38 | 0:02:41 | |
or maybe J from 5ive. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
I'm afraid I'm not very au fait with the rap-hop. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
I have, however, just been told all about Abbey Grove's..."wunderkind". | 0:02:45 | 0:02:51 | |
Smoocher! A-ha, Smoocher! | 0:02:51 | 0:02:53 | |
You forgot your lunch box. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
I popped an extra Yakult in there, help settle your tummy. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
He's got the... | 0:03:00 | 0:03:02 | |
..squits. Celia! | 0:03:03 | 0:03:06 | |
-Martin? -You know each other? | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
Know each other? We did our teacher training together. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
Must be, what, 25 years? | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
-But what are you doing here? -I pined for a challenge! | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
To salvage a struggling school, get it shipshape, hence Abbey Grove. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:22 | |
Aye, aye, Cap'n! | 0:03:22 | 0:03:23 | |
-Classic! -Well, it wasn't. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
How's...Herman, isn't it? | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
Ah. Herman and I are no longer... | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
Herman never understood that my career came first. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:37 | |
Perhaps that's what drove the little naughty man into the arms of a young...er lady! | 0:03:37 | 0:03:41 | |
It's, um, ham and... | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
Coleslaw. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:52 | |
-Coleslaw. -Yes. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:53 | |
-BELL RINGS -Ah, the call to arms. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:58 | |
Well, I mustn't keep you. After all "Punctuality is... | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
BOTH: "The politeness of kings." | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
Go! | 0:04:05 | 0:04:06 | |
Well, well, well. Martin Stool. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:12 | |
Wickers. He took my mum's name, unsurprisingly. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:17 | |
I can see you've got a whiff of the Stool about you. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
Probably the squits! | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
Well, off to teach my first class. Au revoir. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
Ferrero Roche. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
You seem disappointed. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:34 | |
You thought it was going to be the real Pro Green, didn't you? | 0:04:35 | 0:04:38 | |
MUSIC: "Monster" by Professor Green | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
Hey, 'sup, guys. Sweet threads. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
Sir, why are we wearing our home clothes? | 0:04:51 | 0:04:54 | |
Cos Pickwell's dead! From now on, it's ice cream for breakfast, bitches! | 0:04:54 | 0:04:59 | |
Joe, you're worse than my dad. Why are you so chipper? | 0:05:00 | 0:05:03 | |
He's in lovvvvee. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
ALL: Oooh! | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
Gay! | 0:05:07 | 0:05:08 | |
So, that's why you've come as Olly Murs? | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
Erm, Joseph, what's his name? | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
HER name is Alison Dear and she's beautiful. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
Alison Dear? | 0:05:17 | 0:05:18 | |
Oh, Ally Dear! | 0:05:19 | 0:05:20 | |
# Why do birds suddenly appear every time she is near? # | 0:05:22 | 0:05:29 | |
Cos her breath smells like a trawler. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
Alfie, do you think I should send her a card? | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
That'd be a first. Someone sending a card TO Moonpig. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
You're just jealous cos you haven't got anyone to send a card TO. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
Ooh, Father's Day all over again. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
I got this card from Mitchell's mum. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
"Dear Rem-Dogg, here's your £20 back. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
"I can't charge you cos you were so good!" | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
And I got a card from YOUR mum. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:50 | |
Giving me back the Wotsits that I paid HER with! | 0:05:50 | 0:05:53 | |
-"PS, you banged me so hard now -I'm -in a wheelchair." | 0:05:53 | 0:05:57 | |
Guys, I realise it's Valentine's Day, | 0:05:57 | 0:05:58 | |
but could you please stop flirting? | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
Speaking of which, where's Chantelle? | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
-She's seeing the school nurse. -Is she ill? | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
Sorry, sir, she made me make a BFF personal padlock pinky promise. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:08 | |
KNOCK AT DOOR | 0:06:08 | 0:06:09 | |
Ah, Mr Wickers. Could we have a tete-a-tete in the corridor? | 0:06:09 | 0:06:13 | |
Rem-Dogg, by the way, if you have been sleeping with Mitchell's mum | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
I suggest you go and give your cock a thorough clean. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
Mr Wickers, is it my little betise, | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
or does the school have a uniform? | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
Yeah, a really stupid one. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
Hence I told my kids they can wear what they like now. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
You'll think me a grumpy old sourpuss, | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
but I do think it lends Abbey Grove a certain sartorial elegance. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:40 | |
I don't know what that means, so shall we just agree to disagree? | 0:06:40 | 0:06:44 | |
Shouldn't one agree to agree with one's deputy head? | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
I don't really go in for that whole teacher, naggy shit. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:50 | |
Me and the kids are mates. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:51 | |
"I", Mr Wickers, not "me". | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
I and the kids are mates. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
But just, go with the flow. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:57 | |
And, hey, remember, respect is a dish best served earned, | 0:06:57 | 0:07:03 | |
not served...given. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
So, are we still on for tonight? | 0:07:12 | 0:07:14 | |
-Tonight? -Yeah, you know how ages and ages ago | 0:07:14 | 0:07:17 | |
we arranged for you to come to dinner because for some weird reason | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
my dad thinks we're going out? | 0:07:20 | 0:07:21 | |
What?! Why does your dad think that we're going out? | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
-Long story, don't want to bore you with it. -Try me. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
I told him. Please do this for me? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:30 | |
I'm seeing Alex. | 0:07:30 | 0:07:31 | |
But he's really depressed. If he finds out that I'm unhappy too | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
-Are you saying your father's life is in my hands? -Er, no, | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
but literary analogy, you're Ted Hughes, my dad's Sylvia Plath. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
I don't want to find him putting his head into a gas oven. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
He's not going to put his head in an oven if I don't come for dinner. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
Yeah, well, obviously not, cos I don't have an oven in my flat. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
He could use the microwave. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
Actually, you couldn't use a microwave | 0:07:52 | 0:07:55 | |
cos when you tried to shut it your head would stop the door. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
He could take it into the bath. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
Shower! My flat only has a shower! | 0:08:00 | 0:08:03 | |
Sorry, read that essay title again? | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
"Who first popularised the 'Awooga' mantra? Discuss." | 0:08:06 | 0:08:10 | |
And how is this relevant? | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Look, Jing, now that Pickwell's not around to tell me | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
what I can and can't teach, | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
you're going to notice quite a few changes round here. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
Now, scholars are divided into three schools of thought. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:22 | |
Charles, Akabusi, "Fash the Bash" Fashanu. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:26 | |
Oi, Dickers, what you doing tonight? Fash-the-bashing one out to ten-minute free-view? | 0:08:26 | 0:08:30 | |
No, Mitchell. If you must know | 0:08:30 | 0:08:32 | |
I'm going on a Valentine's Day dinner...with my dad. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
I can't work out whether that's really sweet or incredibly sad. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
The problem is, right, I told him Miss Gulliver's my girlfriend | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
and he wants to meet her tonight but she won't come with me, | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
-so I need a surrogate. -OK, so mainly sad. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
-My sister might be up for helping you out, sir. She ain't got a date tonight. -Really? | 0:08:47 | 0:08:51 | |
Oh, wait - do I have to, like, grab her | 0:08:51 | 0:08:53 | |
or fight someone in a car park to win her hand? | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
Nah, just get her a Bargain Bucket. I'll text her now. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
Oh, thanks, mate. Really appreciate that. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
Murs, are you all right? | 0:09:03 | 0:09:05 | |
It's Ally. I was going to ask her out, but she totally blanked me. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:10 | |
She probably doesn't even realise you like her, mate! | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
I just feel so empty. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
-Don't look it. -Sir, I've got something for you to look at. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:19 | |
If you've put undergarments in my Valentine's card again, | 0:09:19 | 0:09:22 | |
-I'm not accepting them. -No, sir. Look! | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
I'm pregnant! | 0:09:25 | 0:09:27 | |
Are you sure? | 0:09:31 | 0:09:32 | |
Yep, she showed me the test and everything. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
Maybe all that flirting was just a cry for help. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
Why didn't I do something earlier? | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
Talk to her - you're a good listener. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
-Sorry, what? -I said you're a good listener. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
Yeah, you're right, I shouldn't blame myself. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
If anything, I've fulfilled my role as a guardian. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
If the finger's going to be pointed at anyone it's her peer groups, | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
whether that's her friends at school or her parents. Bang on. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
A teenage pregnancy foisted upon me already! | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
Abbey Grove does not disappoint. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
God. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
I'm sorry, Rosie, I've failed her. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
Alfie, calm down. Just call Chantelle's mum. | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
No way! She's so flirty. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
Plus, I think her number's a premium line. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
Still, no doubt the whole school can learn a lesson from her predicament. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:20 | |
The school isn't learning anything. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
That, I do not dispute. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
I meant from Chantelle. She's not going public with it. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:29 | |
She's made us all make a BFF personal padlock pinky promise. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
Do we know who sired the infant? | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
Who's the father? | 0:10:35 | 0:10:36 | |
Oh. We don't know, but I guess we'll find out soon. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:40 | |
She's going to name the baby after its dad. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:10:42 | 0:10:43 | |
Sorry, what do you know about Chantelle? | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
Well, I know that letting pupils...how did you put it? | 0:10:46 | 0:10:50 | |
"Go with the flow"? | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
..Always damages the reputation of a school. Full stop. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
Yeah, well, I let my pupils "go with the flow" | 0:10:55 | 0:10:59 | |
because I'm not here to bully them, am I? Full stop. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:03 | |
That's not a full stop, that's a question mark. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
You asked me a question. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
Whatever. Comma. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
Semi-colon. Square brackets. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
That stupid "and". | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
He's just upset, Celia. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
I think I prefer Professor Green. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
I think I prefer Miss Pickwell. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:22 | |
Alfie, look, just talk to Chantelle, OK? | 0:11:23 | 0:11:26 | |
And I suggest you do so with greater didacticism. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
Oooh! I'll be piling on the didackanism by the shedload. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:34 | |
Just as soon as I've googled it to find out what it means. | 0:11:34 | 0:11:38 | |
Help! Help! | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
Thanks, Alf. I got stuck - bloody Love Lift! | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
-What is this? -This bad boy is for Abbey Grove's very own Take Me Out. | 0:11:55 | 0:12:00 | |
I'm getting the shy kids off Virgin Rail and onto the Pum-Tang Express. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:04 | |
A dating show for the kids? Well, that's going to be pants. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:08 | |
Actually, wait, can we pick who goes on it? | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
-Of course. -You know Alison Dear? | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
Oh, Ally Dear? We can put her down. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
I didn't know you were a chubby chaser. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
No, not for me. I'm trying to set her up with Joe Poulter. | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
Consider it done. See, now you likey? | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
I don't like-li... It's a shit idea | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
but at least it's better than your tragic online dating. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:30 | |
There's nothing tragic about my date tonight. The itinerary - | 0:12:30 | 0:12:33 | |
ice skating, Pizza-Sex-press, then apres, | 0:12:33 | 0:12:36 | |
see if we can't find the willy-wagon somewhere warm to park... | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:44 | |
MUSIC: "Only For Tonight" by Zinc feat. Sasha Keable | 0:12:44 | 0:12:49 | |
Chantelle, I think at some point we should, er, you know, um, talk... | 0:12:58 | 0:13:02 | |
About the baby? Have you told anyone else? | 0:13:02 | 0:13:06 | |
No! BFF personal padlock pinky promise. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
Thanks, sir. Oh, I've changed my mind. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
I'm naming him after my favourite teacher. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
Baby Alfie. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:17 | |
Oh, right...good. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
Sir, do you think pregnancy's made my breasts bigger? | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT -I'm just going to...go over there. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:27 | |
Alfie, I feel like there's something I need to make really clear. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:32 | |
I honestly can't come tonight. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
Oh. One of those Royal Mail missed delivery things. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:38 | |
It's handwritten. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:39 | |
So it is. Royal Mail - the personal touch. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:43 | |
-It's your address. -I must...live above a depot. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:48 | |
Look, please come. I know it's a weird situation, but I'm desperate. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:54 | |
I'm sorry, Alf, I'm seeing Alex tonight. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
And if you must know, we're having some problems. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:59 | |
Turns out I do have some issues with my... | 0:13:59 | 0:14:01 | |
# I'm sexy and I know it... | 0:14:01 | 0:14:04 | |
CHEERING | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
# I'm sexy and I know it... # | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
Come on! | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
Calm down, calm down! | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
Hello and welcome to Take Me Out! | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
We've got six lovely ladies gagging for a fella | 0:14:26 | 0:14:30 | |
-and the date of a lifetime on the Isle of... -ALL: Fernandoze! | 0:14:30 | 0:14:34 | |
That's it, girls, zhuzh up your hair, pout your lips | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
and hitch up your skir... | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
Hair again. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:40 | |
Let the Abbey see the Grove. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
Single men, reveal yourselves! | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
It's Reggie Blinker! | 0:14:49 | 0:14:50 | |
GROANING | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
# I'm sexy and I know it... # | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
-You know how it works, girls, no likey... -No lighty! | 0:14:54 | 0:14:58 | |
Oh, God. This is going to be a car crash. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:05 | |
No likey, no light...aaaah! | 0:15:12 | 0:15:16 | |
CHANTING: Off! Off! Off! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
Let Mr Popplecock | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
see the redundancy package! | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
Probably not the time for this announcement, but, seriously - | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
we will all miss you. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:44 | |
Single man, reveal yourself! | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
THUMPING | 0:15:48 | 0:15:52 | |
Help! Help! | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
-The door's a bit sticky... -Help! | 0:15:55 | 0:15:58 | |
Just needs a bit of force. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:01 | |
Come on, big guy, work with me here. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
ALL: Oh! | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
Oh, my God, he looks like a Smurf. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
-So, no likey... -No lighty. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:22 | |
Yes! Get in there! | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
Round two! So, what sets you apart from the crowd? | 0:16:28 | 0:16:32 | |
Um. Asthma? | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
And a big willy - woooo! | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
So, why do you want to be on the show? | 0:16:37 | 0:16:40 | |
Um, I just wanted to ask, um... | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
Ally... | 0:16:43 | 0:16:44 | |
..um, would you...? | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
What are you doing? | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
I know it's awfully jolly, trivialising sexual promiscuity... | 0:16:55 | 0:16:59 | |
Are you from the past? I mean, who even talks like that? | 0:16:59 | 0:17:03 | |
..but given the current situation... | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
What situation? | 0:17:05 | 0:17:07 | |
Chantelle Parsons. She's pregnant. | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
Oops! What a slippy goose! | 0:17:09 | 0:17:12 | |
Right! You have no right to talk about that! | 0:17:12 | 0:17:15 | |
Sir! You broke the BFF personal padlock pinky promise! | 0:17:15 | 0:17:18 | |
I'm sorry. I was asking Miss Gulliver for advice. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
And YOU! I told you this was a secret. | 0:17:21 | 0:17:24 | |
God, you can be so didactism - noun, intending to teach, | 0:17:24 | 0:17:27 | |
with an emphasis on moral instruction. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
I can be so didactic, Alfred. The adjective. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
Look, it's not Chantelle's fault. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
If anyone's to blame for this pregnancy, it's me. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
Sir, will you look after me and Baby Alfie? | 0:17:39 | 0:17:43 | |
Baby Alfie? Mr Wickers! | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
No, I forgot to tell you... | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
Dickers is the dad. What a nonce! | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
-At least you're not firing blanks. -It's not mine, you idiot. | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
I just meant that I'd help look after the child. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
Yeah. Sir's trying to be nice, like Jean Valjean in Les Mis. | 0:17:55 | 0:17:58 | |
Yes, exactly, like Stephen says, like the man in Les Miserables. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:02 | |
-Prove it, sir. Sing! -I'm not going to sing. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
Explain yourself, Mr Wickers. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
I... It's not... | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
Dream a dream. Sing! | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
-Yeah, go on, sir. -Don't. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
# Chantelle, I shall be the child's guardian | 0:18:21 | 0:18:27 | |
# Even though I did not shag you | 0:18:27 | 0:18:32 | |
# I have done no wrong Just like Jean Valjean. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:38 | |
# He stole a loaf of bread | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
# I stand accused of putting a bun in the oven insteeeaaaad. # | 0:18:40 | 0:18:48 | |
That was so beautiful! | 0:18:55 | 0:18:56 | |
-Why did you do that? -(I don't know.) | 0:18:56 | 0:18:59 | |
Mr Wickers, if you have impregnated this young lady, | 0:18:59 | 0:19:02 | |
I shall be calling the constabulary. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
The police. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:06 | |
No! Not the police! No, Professor Green. Please! | 0:19:06 | 0:19:10 | |
Wait! I'm not pregnant. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
What?! | 0:19:12 | 0:19:13 | |
I lied. | 0:19:13 | 0:19:14 | |
I just wanted it to look like someone loves me. | 0:19:16 | 0:19:18 | |
And I wanted you to notice me, sir. | 0:19:20 | 0:19:22 | |
Chantelle, you don't need to lie to get my attention. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:25 | |
I'm always here for you. | 0:19:25 | 0:19:27 | |
Yeah, so back off, Javert. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
-Alfie, Ally's going on a date with me! -Really? | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
Yeah. On Saturday, we're going to World of Waffles in Watford! | 0:19:37 | 0:19:41 | |
Amazing, mate. Well done. Ooh, and you know what that means? | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
Cos I kinda made it happen, you are indebted to me | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
for the rest of your life, so... you can cook, right? | 0:19:47 | 0:19:52 | |
Yeah, I know my way around a George Foreman grill. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:54 | |
-Will you help me with my dinner party tonight? -OK. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:57 | |
Sweet! I knew I could count on you. Cheers, mate. | 0:19:57 | 0:20:00 | |
Oi, Vagitarian, get your sister round mine for about 7, 7:30. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:04 | |
I'm afraid she ain't coming nowhere near you, mate. | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
-What? Why? -Well, she Facebooked you. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
-We had a deal. -Well, I didn't make your profile picture | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
-some nerd dressed as Gandalf. -Me and the lads were on a pub crawl. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
Don't worry. I got a back-up plan. One of my brother's girlfriends said she'll do it. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:17 | |
-You promise me this time? -Yes, Bilbo Bell-End. Just text me your address and she'll be there. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:21 | |
OK, deal! And FYI, I wasn't dressed as Gandalf. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
I was dressed as Sauron, in his guise as the first Chief Lieutenant | 0:20:24 | 0:20:27 | |
to the first Dark Lord, Morgoth, around the time he overran Eregion, | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
killed Celebrimbor, leader of the Elven-smiths, and sealed seven of the nine Rings of Power. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:34 | |
So who's the dickhead now? | 0:20:34 | 0:20:35 | |
Sweet - Mitchell's brother's girlfriend's on her way. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
Here are your ingredients. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:52 | |
Mitchell got it for me. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:57 | |
Alfie, I can cook spag bol but I can't cook bunny rabbits. | 0:20:57 | 0:21:00 | |
Oh, come on, it's easy! Just shave it, stick an onion up its bum | 0:21:00 | 0:21:04 | |
and then put it in the microwave. | 0:21:04 | 0:21:06 | |
Hey, Smooch, groovy news. I've got a hot date. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:08 | |
That's brilliant, Dad. Who is she? | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
Oh, sorry, there must be some kind of a mix-up. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
Halloween's not till October, | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
and even then, it's only really the children who dress up as monsters, | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
so how about you "fuck off" and stop trying to "ruin my life"? | 0:21:23 | 0:21:29 | |
Good evening, Alfred. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:31 | |
Celia! Aloha! | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
Let me take your coat. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
Shut. Up. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
-So lovely to see you, Martin. -Oh, likewise. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
What are you doing here? | 0:21:53 | 0:21:54 | |
Your father invited me for dinner on the Facebook. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:57 | |
Oh! I don't know what is more sickening, | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
the fact that YOU'RE here or that my dad's on Facebook. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:03 | |
Poke! | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
Poke! | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
Poke! Glass of vinegar, my luvver? | 0:22:07 | 0:22:10 | |
Oh! | 0:22:10 | 0:22:12 | |
So did you meet Alfred's bit of skirt today? | 0:22:12 | 0:22:15 | |
Oh! I thought Alfie was single! | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
Hands off! Alfie is dating the famous Rosie Gulliver. | 0:22:17 | 0:22:21 | |
She's coming tonight - it's a double date. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:24 | |
Is she now? | 0:22:24 | 0:22:26 | |
Professor Green, could I have a word with you in the kitchen | 0:22:29 | 0:22:32 | |
about your dietary requirements? | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
Look, the Rosie Gulliver coming for dinner tonight | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
isn't the real Rosie Gulliver. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
My dad's got confused and now it's too far down the line. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:45 | |
I'm begging you, when you see this girl, can you just... | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
Go with the flow? | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
My kids'll be back in school uniforms tomorrow. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:54 | |
-And you'll stop setting them essays on catchphrases from the '90s? -(Yes.) | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
And you'll stop teaching us topless whenever it's hot? | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
Shut up, Joe. This has nothing to do with you. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:23:03 | 0:23:04 | |
That'll be "Rosie". | 0:23:04 | 0:23:06 | |
You Mitchell's mate? | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
His brother sent me. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:15 | |
Oh, shit! | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
No, Mitchell, your brother is not a playa, he's a payer. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:24 | |
She is 100% a prostitute! | 0:23:24 | 0:23:27 | |
Hi. I can offer you £20, some cod liver oil and a rabbit... | 0:23:27 | 0:23:33 | |
to make you go away. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
How d'you cook that? | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
Onion up the bum. Bye! | 0:23:37 | 0:23:39 | |
You know, now you've paid, | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
you can put your onion up my rabbit-hole! | 0:23:42 | 0:23:45 | |
MUSIC: "A Little Party Never Killed Nobody" by Fergie | 0:23:45 | 0:23:48 | |
I wanted the car cleaned on the outside AND the inside, | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
but they thought I only wanted the outside done. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
In the end, I had to vacuum the inside myself! | 0:24:04 | 0:24:08 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:24:08 | 0:24:09 | |
Oh, Martin, that is such a funny story! | 0:24:09 | 0:24:13 | |
Funny?! I think you need to check your dictionary app. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:17 | |
God! This is the most middle-aged dinner party ever. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:21 | |
Martin, do you like the television programme Mad Men? | 0:24:21 | 0:24:26 | |
I love it. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:27 | |
Mmm, I think you're a bit of a Don Draper. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
OK, toots. Care for another Scotch? | 0:24:30 | 0:24:33 | |
Oh, sorry, that was an American accent? | 0:24:33 | 0:24:36 | |
Dad, you sounded like a Jamaican having a stroke. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
My wife went to the West Indies. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
-(Oh, God.) -Jamaica? | 0:24:41 | 0:24:42 | |
No, she went of her own acc... | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:24:44 | 0:24:45 | |
Joe! Can you please bring in some bleach so I can kill myself? | 0:24:45 | 0:24:49 | |
Oops, someone's a bit T-I-R-DE. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:53 | |
Cheer up, Grumpo. Rosie'll pull through, it's only a touch of flu. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:57 | |
Yes. So sad she's not feeling herself. | 0:24:57 | 0:25:01 | |
Look...Dad, I might as well just be honest with you. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:06 | |
The thing is, Rosie... | 0:25:06 | 0:25:09 | |
DOORBELL RINGS | 0:25:09 | 0:25:10 | |
Rosie! | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
I thought... | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
What about Alex? | 0:25:18 | 0:25:19 | |
We've broken up. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:22 | |
Anyway, I just thought that you might cheer me up. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
You could tell your face to look a little less happy. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
I can't believe you came! | 0:25:36 | 0:25:37 | |
Well, you were there for Chantelle so I thought I'd be here for you. | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
Thanks. Oh, and you don't need to pretend to be my girlfriend. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:44 | |
I'm just going to tell my dad the truth. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
No, I don't mind being your girlfriend for one night. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
-Does that mean you'll be sleeping over? -No. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
Oh, sorry, it's just, I have this Postman Pat bed linen | 0:25:50 | 0:25:53 | |
-so I would've change... -Shall I come in? | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
Yeah. Pro Green won't know what's hit her! | 0:25:55 | 0:25:58 | |
-Pro Green?! -Don't ask. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
Dad, Celia, guess who's here? | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
Hey, Miss Gulliver. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
Where are they? | 0:26:07 | 0:26:08 | |
Oh, um, Pro Green wanted to take a look at your bedroom | 0:26:08 | 0:26:11 | |
so your dad took her in there. He's very drunk. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
My bedroom?! | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
Oh, Celia! Not in Alfie's room! | 0:26:23 | 0:26:26 | |
I've made blancmange. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:28 | |
GROANING AND THUMPING | 0:26:30 | 0:26:34 | |
GROANING AND THUMPING CONTINUE | 0:26:37 | 0:26:42 | |
Did you know that apart from us, | 0:26:42 | 0:26:46 | |
the only other animal to get sunburnt is the pig? | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
GRUNTING AND MOANING | 0:26:50 | 0:26:53 | |
God. Imagine if this got round the school. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
We won't tell anyone. | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
TEXT ALERT | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
It's Mitchell. | 0:27:02 | 0:27:03 | |
"What's long and hard and covered in Green? Your dad's cock". | 0:27:03 | 0:27:07 | |
Joe! | 0:27:09 | 0:27:10 | |
I might have tweeted, like, once. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
THUMPING AND GRUNTING INTENSIFIES | 0:27:16 | 0:27:20 | |
MOANING CLIMAXES | 0:27:22 | 0:27:25 | |
-Oh! -Oh, yeah. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
Alfred. | 0:27:35 | 0:27:36 | |
Rosie! | 0:27:36 | 0:27:37 | |
"Go with the flow"! | 0:27:38 | 0:27:41 | |
Well, jolly good. Bravo. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
-Goodnight. -Bye, Martin. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
Alfred. Rosemary. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
-Goodnight. -Night. -Night. | 0:27:56 | 0:27:58 | |
Dad, this is... | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
Hi, I'm Rosie. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:04 | |
Oh, er, probably best not shake my... | 0:28:04 | 0:28:08 | |
I'm just going to put these sheets in the wash. | 0:28:08 | 0:28:11 | |
I tried to keep a lid on it but...it's been a while. | 0:28:11 | 0:28:15 | |
Postman Pat's fine. | 0:28:16 | 0:28:18 | |
(Mrs Goggins took the brunt of it.) | 0:28:18 | 0:28:20 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:33 | 0:28:36 |