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This programme contains adult humour | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
Look, I know how much you hate the idea of Celia and I being an item. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:10 | |
It was moment of madness. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:12 | |
One too many glasses of rose, the red mist descends and, | 0:00:12 | 0:00:16 | |
before you know it, you're giving an old friend a...knee-trembler. | 0:00:16 | 0:00:20 | |
Right, stop the car. | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
Pull over. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
I miss the touch of a woman, Alf. Celia made me feel so alive. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:29 | |
Her eyes, her touch, her musk. | 0:00:29 | 0:00:33 | |
If it's any consolation, it didn't last long. | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
She gave my prostate the once over. Apparently, it's tip-top. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:39 | |
Hey, Rosie! I, er, got you a little present. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
Oh, friendship bracelet? | 0:01:14 | 0:01:16 | |
It's just a silly little thing, | 0:01:16 | 0:01:17 | |
to remind you that I'll always be here for you, | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
no matter what, for ever more. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
It's no biggie. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:23 | |
You cut it off, I die. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
Thanks. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:28 | |
Oh, erm, Celia, Fraser's giving the drugs counsellor a lift, | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
and they're stuck on the M25, so we might need a back-up plan. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:35 | |
It's drugs awareness day? AKA doss day! | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
Show the kids a couple of pictures of a dead junkie, and then chill out. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:42 | |
Well, I've actually prepared a proper presentation on drugs... | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
Oh, no, Rosie. It's a chore. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:46 | |
Leave it to the most senior member of staff. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
No, it's fine, Celia. I'm going to talk about drug mules, | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
and the Taliban, and the US government... | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
Woo, yeah! You go, sister! | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
-I blame Starbucks. -Mmm. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
No, Israel. | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
Lizards? | 0:02:00 | 0:02:01 | |
Really, Rosie, take a well-earned break. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:05 | |
Read a fashion magazine. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
Flesh tones can be so brutally honest. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
I am fully equipped to give this talk. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
Well, maybe you'd like to borrow a pair of these... | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
It's a talk, Celia, not Customs. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:20 | |
Well, it seems a shame for them to go to waste. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
Alfred, I've already given your father's a once-over, | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
would you like me to test your prostate? | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
GLOVES SNAP | 0:02:29 | 0:02:30 | |
What's happened? | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
It's his parents. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:41 | |
They're taking me away from Abbey Grove. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
They say it's not academical enough. | 0:02:43 | 0:02:45 | |
What? You...you can't leave! | 0:02:45 | 0:02:48 | |
Have your parents even seen the league tables? | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
What, the league tables in which we're ranked | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
below two orphanages and a kennels? | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
They want me to become some boring lawyer. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
Sir, are you and Miss Gulliver cool at the mo? | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
Yeah. I mean, she's split up with Alex, and I reckon I've got | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
just about enough time to seduce her before she remembers her self-worth. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:06 | |
-Going to give her a knob to cry on, sir? -Oh, no, sorry Mitchell. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
I think your mum's consoling herself on it tonight. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
Sir, can you ask Miss Gulliver | 0:03:11 | 0:03:13 | |
to persuade my parents to let me stay here? | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
Er, why can't I persuade them? | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
-Cos you'll mess it up, Sir. -But I'm great with parents! | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
Every time you see my parents, you insist on taking your shoes off. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:22 | |
Yeah. And I bow. Respectful. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:25 | |
SHE SPEAKS MANDARIN | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
Oh, xie xie. Ni hao. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
When my mum came in to talk about me bunking off school, | 0:03:29 | 0:03:32 | |
you asked her if you could use a clamp. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:34 | |
Yeah, well it's either that or putting the whole school on stilts. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:37 | |
But Miss Gulliver's really persuasive. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
Persuasive? | 0:03:40 | 0:03:41 | |
Look, I'm sorry, if you want to be inspired to be a lawyer, | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
look no further, my friend. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
Last year I took on BP, only one of the world's largest corporations, | 0:03:45 | 0:03:49 | |
and I thrashed them, on my own, in a court of law. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:52 | |
-How much did you win? -Well, I didn't win any actual money, | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
but you know the Wild Bean Cafe in Tring? | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
They now have to have a sign on their coffee machine which reads, | 0:03:58 | 0:04:01 | |
"Please do not drink directly from the nozzle." | 0:04:01 | 0:04:04 | |
So, my place tonight, hang out, listen to a bit of reggae music? | 0:04:07 | 0:04:12 | |
You don't like reggae. | 0:04:12 | 0:04:13 | |
Er, Ollie Murs? | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
Alfie, I'm sorry. I'm just not ready to see anyone yet. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:18 | |
I wasn't asking you out! | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
Hey, if you need any help with your presentation, | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
don't be afraid to ask, | 0:04:23 | 0:04:25 | |
cos, obviously, I know quite a lot about drugs. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
You took one anti-depressant when you heard that 5ive had broken up. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:33 | |
5ive'll make you get down. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:34 | |
-Yeah, well, you're still not that qualified. -Oh, really? | 0:04:34 | 0:04:37 | |
My friend Atticus Hoye once took me to a poppers den. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:41 | |
-You don't get a den for poppers. -Well, that shows how much you know. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:45 | |
All these naked guys injecting themselves with poppers | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
by sitting on these big rubber needles. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:50 | |
Atticus, he couldn't get enough of it. | 0:04:50 | 0:04:52 | |
You know what they say, once you pop you just can't stop. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
So if you, er, change your mind about tonight...? | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
-I won't. -Well, you might. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
-I absolutely won't. -Absolutely might. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
OK, guys, so there's going to be no history class today. | 0:05:09 | 0:05:11 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:05:11 | 0:05:12 | |
I'm going to do my drugs presentation, | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
-followed by a question and answer. -I got a question, Miss. -Yep? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
Is it true police dogs can't smell skunk | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
if you put it in a bottle of Femfresh? | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
-Yep. -I sincerely doubt it. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
Oh, man! | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
Does anyone want some Femfresh? | 0:05:25 | 0:05:26 | |
Oh, yeah. I'll take it. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:27 | |
My flat gets really smelly. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
Do you even know what Femfresh is? | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
It's...like Febreze, right? | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
Yeah, it makes your curtains smell nice! | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
RAUCOUS LAUGHTER | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
OK, guys. OK, calm down. That's enough. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:41 | |
Now, can anyone ima... | 0:05:47 | 0:05:51 | |
imagine how hard life must be for Maria, | 0:05:51 | 0:05:56 | |
a drug mule from Mexico? | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
Whoa, yeah! | 0:05:59 | 0:06:00 | |
If I was eating Mexican food every day, | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
I don't think I'd be able to keep ANYTHING in my ass. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
What do people like Maria need? | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
Hair straighteners? Look at the split ends on that! | 0:06:08 | 0:06:11 | |
True dat. And maybe some make-up to sort out this car crash. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
No, no. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:15 | |
What people like Maria need is our respect. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:18 | |
Gs, Hustlers, crisis averted. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
Your drugs counsellor...has arrived! | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
Oh, no, no, no, no, cos I'm in the middle of my drugs talk. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
Oh, that's very sweet, Miss G, | 0:06:27 | 0:06:28 | |
but I have a professional up my wizard's sleeve! | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
Guys, meet India. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
HE MOUTHS | 0:06:36 | 0:06:37 | |
Namaste. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:41 | |
I'm India. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
Hi. Alfie. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
Teacher, leader... | 0:06:46 | 0:06:49 | |
legend. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
India, you say? | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
Land of the pyramids. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
I'm something of a sphinx-er myself. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
Sorry, did you just say 'sphinx-er'? | 0:06:57 | 0:06:59 | |
OK, so I cotch for the drugs counselling service | 0:06:59 | 0:07:03 | |
called Vibesline. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:04 | |
We're an advice pipeline | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
you can use to freebase non-judgmental advice... | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
-I'm sorry, can we lose the fat girl? -ROSIE SCOFFS | 0:07:09 | 0:07:12 | |
Cartel got her. Buried in the ditch. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
Basically, if it's vibesing, | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
chillax and ride the wave. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
SHE SPEAKS MANDARIN | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
She calls me that, too. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
It's Chinese for "leader of the blind, | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
"up the great mountain of wisdom." | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
Sort of...roughly. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:34 | |
Thanks, babe. I'm here to talk to you about the dark side of drugs. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:39 | |
SHE CLICKS FINGERS | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS | 0:07:43 | 0:07:47 | |
OK, yah! You're having a massive night! | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
The sun is coming up! You are totally chunged. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:56 | |
MUSIC CONTINUES | 0:07:56 | 0:08:02 | |
INHALER HISSES | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
SHE CLICKS FINGERS | 0:08:04 | 0:08:05 | |
MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY | 0:08:07 | 0:08:08 | |
But the good times are over. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:12 | |
Now we have to deal with the terrible consequences | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
of substance abuse. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
You can't find your Oyster card. It's a long walk back to Chiswick. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:21 | |
(Where's Chiswick?) | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
You, you lost an earring your grandmother left you in her will. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:26 | |
That is 45 minutes looking for it on your hands and knees, | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
using your phone as a torch. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
And you... | 0:08:31 | 0:08:32 | |
you kissed the guy who runs the deli you go into every day. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:35 | |
Fraser, this is nonsense. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
Nonsense? | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
-Mmm. -FYI, you're a real NEGATUDE. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
Sorry, "negatude"? | 0:08:42 | 0:08:44 | |
"Negative attitude." It's a mashup. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
Yeah, it's a mashup. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
Get with the times, Marple. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
That was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
I actually thought India was kinda good. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
I'm talking about you. "Teacher, leader, legend." | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
Oh, yeah, I forgot "visionary". Look, I just...got into her vibe. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:08 | |
I know exactly what you want to get into. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
-Are you jealous? -Why would I be jealous of "Ind-jah"? | 0:09:11 | 0:09:14 | |
You sound JELICULOUS. | 0:09:14 | 0:09:16 | |
"Jealous" and "ridiculous". Mashup. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:19 | |
You should stop doing that. You're beginning to sound like a bit of a TWUNT. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:24 | |
Oh, that is so uncalled-for! | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
Hey! | 0:09:29 | 0:09:30 | |
Oh, soz, bit of a domestic? | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
A domestic? No, we're not a couple. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
No, don't worry, I'm single. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
I'm young, dumb and full of com... | 0:09:36 | 0:09:40 | |
..fortable silences. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
Do you want to hit the canteen, maybe? | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
Oh, it's pathetic. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
Come on, let's go and have a "lovely lunch", | 0:09:46 | 0:09:50 | |
a LUNCH... | 0:09:50 | 0:09:52 | |
It...it was meant to be a mashup... | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
-It's OK. -OK. | 0:09:56 | 0:09:59 | |
Yeah, I used to cane it pretty hard. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:03 | |
-Things got pretty messy in Ibiza. -Which club? | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
Club Med. I went on the water slides straight after lunch. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
My dad went ballistic. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
That was one frosty pedalo home. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
SHE LAUGHS | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
My parents don't want to talk to Miss Gulliver, sir, | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
-they only want to talk to you. -Very sensible. | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
Why are you dressed as a Scottish widow? | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
Because this is my last day at Abbey Grove! | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
Oh, 'scuse me. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
I am bothered, but I think this girl actually likes me! | 0:10:36 | 0:10:39 | |
What a slut. | 0:10:39 | 0:10:41 | |
Everything that I love is being torn away from me. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
And I appreciate that. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:45 | |
It's just that you're also being a little bit of a cock-block. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:49 | |
Look, I'll call your dad as soon as lunch is over. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
I promise you, I won't let him take you away. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
Come on, babes. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
Yep. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:58 | |
OK, so that was my mate, Savannah. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:02 | |
Her, me, Uggie and Quinoa are going to this totally exclusive warehouse rave tonight. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:06 | |
This guy called Ben Grayson runs it... | 0:11:06 | 0:11:08 | |
Ben Grayson? Yeah, his brother Frank's at this school. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
Could he get us on the guest list? | 0:11:11 | 0:11:12 | |
Us? | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
What, like we're on a date? | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
Well...why not? | 0:11:16 | 0:11:19 | |
Well, yeah! I'll give him a call now. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:23 | |
Oh, answerphone. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:27 | |
Yo, Frankenstein! | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
Yeah, it's Mr Wickers here, Wicky-wicky-wickers... | 0:11:30 | 0:11:34 | |
Um, I was just wondering, bro, whether there was any chance | 0:11:34 | 0:11:37 | |
I could just bum a couple of ticky-boos to the old rave-age? | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
-(Guest list.) -Guest list-age? | 0:11:40 | 0:11:42 | |
Anyway, give me a bell back, bro. | 0:11:42 | 0:11:44 | |
Laters. Love you. I don't love you. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
Bye. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:48 | |
So, if...if we go to this rave tonight, | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
are you going to take anything, to like, you know, help you through? | 0:11:51 | 0:11:56 | |
Yeah. Well, I mean, if we're going to be dancing until the break of dawn, | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
I will probably need to take my supportive insoles. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
No, no. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
(Drugs.) | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
But I thought you were clean? | 0:12:08 | 0:12:10 | |
Only 9-5. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:13 | |
If you get me on the guest list, things could get messy. | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
Oh, they're going to get messy. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
I'll probably cover myself in...shit. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:23 | |
My sister, Mortadella, took this legal high, right, | 0:12:25 | 0:12:30 | |
which made her think she could freeze time | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
and lick it like a lolly. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
Sure, that's, erm... | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
..Dirty... | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
Viennetta. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
It's like getting a hand-job off Aslan. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
-Can you get some for tonight? -Hell, yeah. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:51 | |
Me, you, Havana, | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
Ugly and Cous Cous are going to get absolutely mashed. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:57 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
Is that Frank? Amazing! | 0:13:00 | 0:13:01 | |
Yo! What's up, motherlover? | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
I cannot wait to get into yo' club, | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
bang some drugs, shake my... | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
jugs. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
Oh... | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
Mr Carmichael. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
Er, no, Stephen did not mention that you were going to call me directly. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
(I'll be a sec.) I'm so sorry about that... | 0:13:17 | 0:13:20 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
Yo, what's happening? | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
Did you, er, get my message about the guest list? | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
20 quid a bloke. Women go free. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:36 | |
Well, it's, er, me and my sexy date, so... | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
Well, that's 40 quid, then. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
Yep. My date's a woman. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
If I give you 40 quid, it's in no way a confession. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:48 | |
Also, er, my date wants to try a certain thing tonight... | 0:13:50 | 0:13:56 | |
Well, make sure he knows the safe word. | 0:13:56 | 0:13:58 | |
And I've heard you don't want to pull it out too quickly. | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
I'm talking about drugs. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
Apparently, this drug makes you think that time is an ice cream? | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
Yeah. 50 quid a scoop. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
Done. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:08 | |
HE GASPS | 0:14:11 | 0:14:13 | |
Did you just ask me to buy you drugs? | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
Yeah, well, obviously. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:18 | |
Oh, God. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:21 | |
-You're blackmailing me, aren't you? -Mmm. Yeah. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:24 | |
What do you mean, none of you sell drugs? | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
All I can say is that I am very, very disappointed in you. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:32 | |
Why do you need drugs, anyway? | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
-Because I'm going on a date with India. -Why can't you just buy 'em yourself? | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
Er, because, A, I'm a teacher, | 0:14:37 | 0:14:39 | |
B, Grayson stole all of my money, | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
and, C, I made the drug up in the first place, | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
so have you got any idea how ridiculous you sound? | 0:14:44 | 0:14:47 | |
Sir, apparently you spoke to my dad...? | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
Yeah, look, um, I'm sorry. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
I'll apologise for that just as soon as I've sorted out this one very important thing. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:56 | |
-Sir, Stephen's dad is really just going to.. -Chantelle, please. I must insist. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:59 | |
This is my thinking face. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
That's why she didn't recognise it. | 0:15:01 | 0:15:03 | |
HE SNIFFS | 0:15:03 | 0:15:04 | |
Oh, boom squared! | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
Do you know what face this is Chantelle? | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
-Is it your come... -Don't even say that. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
This is my "had a brilliant idea" face. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:15 | |
If I can't buy the drug, I'm going to make the drug. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:20 | |
Are you mad? | 0:15:20 | 0:15:21 | |
Come on. Drugs must be easy to invent. Look at meow meow. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:25 | |
That's fertiliser. It's just someone getting peckish in a garden centre. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:29 | |
Mitchell, you must know something about drugs? | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
Course I do. My brother spent so long in a Thai prison, | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
he come back speaking fluent Scouse. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:35 | |
All right. Well, you can be my head chef, my LS-Delia. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
Now, we need someone to help with the science aspect... | 0:15:39 | 0:15:42 | |
-Jing? -No way. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:44 | |
What if I told you that this counted towards the community service element | 0:15:44 | 0:15:49 | |
of your Duke of Edinburgh Award? | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
It's either this or wiping an old guy's ass. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:55 | |
-Fine. -Yes! | 0:15:58 | 0:15:59 | |
Sir, Professor Green wants to see you. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
Oh, could you tell Professor Green to go swivel on that. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:05 | |
No, I didn't mean that. No, don't tell her that! | 0:16:05 | 0:16:08 | |
I'll meet you in the science lab in ten minutes. Can you come back, please?! | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
Is anything troubling you at the moment, Alfred? | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
Hmm... No. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:18 | |
I saw you talking to Mr Grayson earlier. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
Money exchanging hands. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
-I may look like a girl of 16... -COUGHING: 60. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:27 | |
-But I'm not a fool. -I was buying tickets to a rave. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
Big deal. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
Alfred, I, too, have an addictive personality. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:35 | |
Your father... | 0:16:35 | 0:16:37 | |
I crave Martin Wickers. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:40 | |
I want to... | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
inhale him, snort him, | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
feel him racing through my veins and exploding inside me. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:49 | |
I'll help you with your problem. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:51 | |
You help me with your father. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
There is absolutely no way on earth | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
I would ever let my dad go out with you. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
And who's Martin more likely to believe, dear? | 0:16:59 | 0:17:02 | |
A deceitful, drug-addled son, | 0:17:02 | 0:17:05 | |
or the woman who's trying so hard to help? | 0:17:05 | 0:17:10 | |
Look, you better get this into your stupid, bunny boiling, | 0:17:10 | 0:17:13 | |
hobbity little head - I don't do drugs, OK? | 0:17:13 | 0:17:17 | |
You're either with me, or against me. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:21 | |
# We live life on the back of this melody | 0:17:21 | 0:17:23 | |
# Me and my friends spent life in plastic | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
# Brand new times and brand new happenings | 0:17:26 | 0:17:28 | |
# We get up to all kind of antics | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
# There's another one That's classic | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
# That's classic That's classic | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
# There's another one That's classic | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
# We get up to all kind of antics | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
# There's another one That's classic | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
# What you saying? Check That's classic. # | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
Oh, it smells disgusting! | 0:17:49 | 0:17:51 | |
She's never going to swallow that. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
I could lower the pH down by neutralising the carbon substrate. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:56 | |
I've got a better idea. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
Behold! | 0:17:59 | 0:18:00 | |
Dirty Viennetta! | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
Why do I bother? | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
Alfie, it stinks in here. What is that? | 0:18:05 | 0:18:08 | |
This, my old friend, is the new legal high, | 0:18:08 | 0:18:12 | |
that all the kids are talking about. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
Please tell me you are not cooking drugs with children? | 0:18:14 | 0:18:17 | |
Oh, God, here we go again. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:18 | |
Throwing the rule book at me. What is it this time? | 0:18:18 | 0:18:21 | |
Page 20,000, rule 3 million, subsection B, | 0:18:21 | 0:18:25 | |
"Do not involve the children in the production of narcotics"? | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
Do you realise how irresponsible you're being? | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
Babe, you really need to chill out. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
Maybe you should take a leaf out of India's book. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
OK, and what book is that? Fifty Shades Of Bitch? | 0:18:35 | 0:18:37 | |
The Great Twatsby? | 0:18:37 | 0:18:39 | |
The...The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A... | 0:18:39 | 0:18:42 | |
Cod-Bohemian Dipshit? | 0:18:42 | 0:18:44 | |
OK, obviously the last of those is not a real book. | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
Is it? | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
Alfie, you, you have done some crazy stuff in your time.. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
Yeah, like falling in... | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
fond with you. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:56 | |
SHE SIGHS | 0:18:56 | 0:18:57 | |
Alfie, in the classroom just be a teacher, yeah? | 0:18:57 | 0:19:01 | |
And with women, just...just be yourself. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:04 | |
-Be myself? -Yeah. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:05 | |
Great, so you're so jealous that you want me to die a virgin? | 0:19:05 | 0:19:09 | |
Right, Mitchell, I can sense you sniggering. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
Room for a little one, Mr Fraser? | 0:19:13 | 0:19:15 | |
Ah! No Mr Fraser here. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
I'm Kurt Co-bear, the anti-drugs bear! | 0:19:17 | 0:19:20 | |
-Bear? -They didn't have any more bear costumes. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
-So you're... -I'm...Kurt Co-bear, the anti-drugs prawn! | 0:19:24 | 0:19:29 | |
Conducting a drugs amnesty. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
# Under the sea... # | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
I'm here on rather pressing business. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
There's a young teacher at Abbey Grove who has become the victim | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
of a craven drug addiction. | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
If you're talking about me, I've only taken drugs once | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
and the ending was not a happy one. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:44 | |
I was weather-guarding some suede slacks | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
when I took in a lung-full of fumes. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
I was completely off my head and thought I could fly. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
It was an absolute disaster. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:52 | |
I forgot my passport, then I freaked out on the Gatwick Express. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
I wish I'd weather-guarded the inside of those slacks. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
I see I must act alone. | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
Goodbye, Mr Fraser. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
I'll be seein' ya. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
Alfie, this drug stuff has gone too far. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:08 | |
Oh, are you going to tell me this is the most stupid thing I've ever done? | 0:20:08 | 0:20:11 | |
Well, apart from when you bet your laptop that Jason Statham would win that Oscar. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:15 | |
Have you SEEN Transporter 3? | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
Look, Alfie, Miss Gulliver's right. | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
OK, you've got a lot of great qualities, | 0:20:19 | 0:20:22 | |
and if someone can't see that, then they probably don't deserve you. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
Yeah, I guess you're right. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:28 | |
What great qualities? | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
Well, you can speak Elvish. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:33 | |
Just "Where's the toilet?" "Can I have some tap water?" | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
It's barely restaurant Elf. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
Well, I'm impressed. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
So, what, you mean India might like me for who I actually am? | 0:20:41 | 0:20:45 | |
That I don't need to do this? | 0:20:45 | 0:20:47 | |
Hey, Albert, you want to hit up some chamomile tea? | 0:20:47 | 0:20:51 | |
-Do I? -You're teaching us history. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
Yeah, that's right. We're learning about the build-up of hostilities prior to the First World War. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:58 | |
Downton Abbey Series One's on my desk. | 0:20:58 | 0:20:59 | |
Shall we? | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
One Shitty Cornetto. | 0:21:07 | 0:21:09 | |
Dirty Viennetta? | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
Damn straight. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
Jesus! That honks, man. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:16 | |
Yeah, I'm not sure. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:18 | |
How do we know if it's safe...? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:19 | |
Safe? Babe, I've been scooping this shit all day long. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:25 | |
HE GAGS | 0:21:25 | 0:21:27 | |
Oh, get in my face. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:29 | |
-Right. Look, Albert... -Alfie. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:32 | |
..I'm not sure about this shit. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:34 | |
Babe, we're going to have such a sick night. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:37 | |
Just got to ride the wave, man. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
You're just too wild, bro. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
Let's just drop it like it's hot. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
HE RETCHES | 0:21:47 | 0:21:50 | |
-HE VOMITS -Oh, shit, man! | 0:21:50 | 0:21:53 | |
-I'm sorry. -You chundered on my vintage. Not cool. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:59 | |
"Sick" and "vintage", | 0:21:59 | 0:22:01 | |
SINTAGE. It's a mashup. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
Am I wearing a really tight little hat? | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
MUSIC: "I Feel Free" by Cream | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
# Feel when I dance with you | 0:22:16 | 0:22:21 | |
# We move like the sea | 0:22:21 | 0:22:25 | |
# You | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
# You're all I want to know | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
# I feel free... # | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
# Under the sea Under the sea | 0:22:37 | 0:22:41 | |
# Darling it's better | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
# Down where it's wetter | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
# Under the sea... # | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
Oh, my God... | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
I'm a mermaid! | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
-Alfie! -There's a giant prawn... | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
I spoke to him in his own fishy language. | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
Alfie, you might want to come from under there... | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
Who's Alfie? My name is Ariel. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
GIGGLING | 0:23:07 | 0:23:09 | |
DOG BARKS | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
Officers, this is Mr Wickers. | 0:23:14 | 0:23:17 | |
I'd begun to wonder where you'd got to. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
Thank you for covering for me. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:21 | |
OK, kids, who can tell me why Lady Sibyl defied her father | 0:23:21 | 0:23:26 | |
and eloped with an Irishman? | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
"Begorrah, to be sure, | 0:23:28 | 0:23:29 | |
"I used to be a chauffeur but now I am a class traitor." | 0:23:29 | 0:23:32 | |
# Diddly dee dee dee dee dee # | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
Who trained this dog to walk underwater? | 0:23:34 | 0:23:37 | |
DOG GROWLS | 0:23:37 | 0:23:38 | |
It must be the work of this hag, Ursula, the sea witch! | 0:23:40 | 0:23:44 | |
-Alfie, put the scissors down. -Ow! | 0:23:46 | 0:23:49 | |
I need to look sexy for Prince Eric. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:52 | |
-Alfie... -Shush, Flounder. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
-Please, Sir, not the bra. My parents are coming. -Is he OK? | 0:23:54 | 0:23:57 | |
No, I don't think he is. I think he's on drugs! | 0:23:57 | 0:24:00 | |
I've got to get Miss Gulliver! | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
Stephen, you need to help me with my hair. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:06 | |
Prince Eric prefers me when I'm auburn. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
Sir, stop it! | 0:24:08 | 0:24:10 | |
And after Maria slew the Cordoba brothers, | 0:24:10 | 0:24:14 | |
she vowed never again to use her anus | 0:24:14 | 0:24:18 | |
as a receptacle. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
Miss Gulliver, you've got to help! | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
Joe, I'm teaching a class here. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
Mr Wickers is going mad, Miss. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
I think he's eaten a Dirty Viennetta. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:27 | |
Well, Mr Wickers needs to learn how to look after himself. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
But Pro Green's in there, Miss, and the police! | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
He'll lose his job. He could go to prison. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
You know what, Joe? Maybe prison's the best place for him. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
This whole thing with India, it's not about her. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:39 | |
It's about proving that he's over you, when he obviously isn't. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
You know, after you two kissed last term | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
he told us that he had an erection that lasted for six hours and 23 minutes. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:49 | |
And do you know what? He didn't even... | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
deal with it, cos he thought it would cheapen the moment. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
Plus, he refused to tell us what your boobs felt like | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
-even though you were right up on him... -All right, that's enough! Come on, let's go. | 0:24:57 | 0:25:01 | |
# Under the sea Under the sea | 0:25:01 | 0:25:03 | |
# Under the sea. # | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
Come on, Alfie. Smile for Daddy. | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
Why are you photographing him? | 0:25:08 | 0:25:10 | |
To prove this lost little boy needs a mother. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
Now, I think we should take a urine sample. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:16 | |
Officers? I want a full toxicology report. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
No, Ursula! I don't want your potion. | 0:25:18 | 0:25:21 | |
Uh-oh. | 0:25:21 | 0:25:23 | |
Prince Eric! You've come to save me from my captors. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:28 | |
Lord Trident forbids our union, but it feels so right. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:32 | |
-What on earth's going on?! -Mum, Dad, this isn't what it looks like. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:36 | |
HE GASPS My bra! | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
Nobody peek at my mer-bosoms! | 0:25:38 | 0:25:40 | |
-We're leaving, Stephen. -No, Stephen! Please, sir! | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
-I don't want to leave my friends! -Calm down, Princess Ariel! | 0:25:42 | 0:25:46 | |
But how can I be calm | 0:25:46 | 0:25:47 | |
when I'm going out with such a sexy little starfish? | 0:25:47 | 0:25:52 | |
We will conquer your demons | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
and restore peace to your watery kingdom, | 0:25:55 | 0:25:58 | |
if you just sit down on that bit of coral and stop what you're doing. | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY | 0:26:01 | 0:26:03 | |
APPLAUSE | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
Mr and Mrs Carmichael, officers, Professor Green, | 0:26:12 | 0:26:16 | |
erm, I hope you've enjoyed this role-play, | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
a radical educational tool pioneered by drug charity Vibesline. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:23 | |
-Role-play? -Mmm. -The man's mad! | 0:26:23 | 0:26:26 | |
Yes, yes, Mr Wickers is ACTING like a pathetic, grotesque, | 0:26:26 | 0:26:31 | |
utterly irresponsible little man. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
But those are the consequences of drug abuse. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
Well, it's very realistic. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
Mmm, and who in this class would ever touch a drug | 0:26:37 | 0:26:40 | |
after this performance? | 0:26:40 | 0:26:41 | |
I mean, obviously, if, if Alfie WAS high, | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
then the deputy head would have to fire him, and call the police | 0:26:48 | 0:26:53 | |
and explain to his father how she ruined his son's life for ever. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:57 | |
So it's a good thing that Alfie's acting. Right, Celia? | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
The wonderful thing about Mr Wickers is his commitment. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:07 | |
Whatever it takes to engage these pupils. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
I'm so happy here, Dad. Please, let me stay? | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
Oh, come on, Richard, please? | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
OK, I'll think about it. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
THEY CHEER | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
P-A-R-T-Y without me? | 0:27:28 | 0:27:31 | |
How very SHELLFISH of you. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
DOG BARKS | 0:27:33 | 0:27:36 | |
Ooh, prawns and pigs, eh? | 0:27:36 | 0:27:37 | |
It's a good job you're not Jewish, Officer... | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
Finklestein. | 0:27:40 | 0:27:43 | |
Ursula, call off your sea dogs and let my prawn swim free! | 0:27:43 | 0:27:47 | |
Argh! | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
Show's over, Alfie. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
Why didn't you want to come and swim with me? | 0:27:52 | 0:27:55 | |
The water's so lovely and warm. | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:01 | |
Sir pissed himself! | 0:28:01 | 0:28:04 | |
Dad? What are you doing in here? | 0:28:09 | 0:28:10 | |
-STRAINED: -Oh... Hello, Alfie. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
Just having a little sit down. | 0:28:13 | 0:28:15 | |
Can I see you in the car? | 0:28:15 | 0:28:17 | |
Oh, God! Dad! | 0:28:20 | 0:28:22 | |
Oh! | 0:28:23 | 0:28:25 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:50 | 0:28:53 |