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# So kiss me and smile for me | 0:00:04 | 0:00:08 | |
# Tell me that you'll wait for me | 0:00:08 | 0:00:11 | |
# Hold me like you'll never let me go... # | 0:00:11 | 0:00:17 | |
Come on, Smoocher, you know this one! | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
# I'm leaving on a jet plane... # | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
Oh, Martin, could you go via Boots? I need to get some clean tights. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
Good idea. | 0:00:25 | 0:00:26 | |
Oh, while you're there, you might like to stock up on C-O-N-D-O-Ms. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:32 | |
O-K! | 0:00:32 | 0:00:33 | |
Dad! I can spell! | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
This programme contains adult humour. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:41 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
Love that guy! | 0:01:11 | 0:01:12 | |
Who was that randomer? | 0:01:15 | 0:01:17 | |
Our fairy godfather. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
You know how we are in uno poquito di serious financial trouble-io? | 0:01:19 | 0:01:23 | |
No. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
Well, I managed to turn our remaining 20 grand | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
-into a cool two million. -Go on? | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
That "randomer" is Dr Goodluck Yultide Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:36 | |
the Nigerian Minister of Finance. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
-Oh, God. -He wanted a short-term cash loan for the purchase of a contested | 0:01:39 | 0:01:43 | |
oil field in rural Nigeria, and some medicines for his mother. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:47 | |
He promised returns of up to 1,000%! | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
Oh. Shit. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
That's Fr-Asda price. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
Yes! | 0:01:55 | 0:01:56 | |
Oh, dear, that's the last of the coffee. | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
I hope no one minds - I was up all night. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:08 | |
Urgh, God. | 0:02:08 | 0:02:09 | |
Look, I don't want to sound like a broken record, but who's to say | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
Dr Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo won't come good? | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
The receipt he gave you was on a Burger King napkin, | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
made out to "the big bank in the town". | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
He said he was in the same class as Howard from the Halifax | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
-at Bank School. -Bank School!? | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
Amazing. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:24 | |
Oh, Betty Swallocks! | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
So what, Fraser's lost us a bit of money. | 0:02:26 | 0:02:28 | |
It's not the end of the world. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
Not so. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:31 | |
We have to prove our solvency by Wednesday, otherwise | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
Abbey Grove faces closure by default. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
Well let's, I don't know, put on a fundraiser? | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
Oh, that is a good idea. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
We're not a charity case yet, Smoocher. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:43 | |
Don't call me that! And have you got any bright ideas? | 0:02:43 | 0:02:46 | |
A spare 20 grand tucked away in that bra of yours? | 0:02:46 | 0:02:50 | |
Oh, I don't appear to be wearing one! | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
Somebody broke the latch with his teeth. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
-For Christ's sake! -Grrr! | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
Papa Wickers not the only animal in the family. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
This one's hung like a horse. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
A sea horse. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:04 | |
Ooh, double act. Bant and Dec. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
-Kill me. -Hey I've got a fun and really funky idea! | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
Why don't all the staff take pay cuts? | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
I'm afraid my salary is non-negotiable. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:15 | |
Martin and I are saving up for... | 0:03:15 | 0:03:17 | |
..something. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:20 | |
Chemical castration, chemical castration. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:23 | |
The solution to the school's problem is austerity. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
To keep the current salary structure in place, | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
we must make swingeing cuts. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:30 | |
You may have noticed Mrs Westurby's absence. | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
Mrs Westurby? | 0:03:32 | 0:03:33 | |
Has she got a mole? | 0:03:37 | 0:03:38 | |
Smells of biscuits? | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
Can't have children? Baron von Westurby! | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
No, that's Mrs Vanderby. Baron Vanderby. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:48 | |
I'll stop saying baron now. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
Alfie, could you cover Mrs Westurby's biology class? | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
I can barely teach history. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
Urgh, fine. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
How are you going to be helping? | 0:04:01 | 0:04:03 | |
I'm going to shut down the library. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:05 | |
I've got it. The art block, they've got a Henry Moore! | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
That must be worth loads. We could sell it? | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
Had. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:12 | |
They had a Henry Moore. I might have swapped it. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:19 | |
You swapped it? | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
What for? | 0:04:21 | 0:04:22 | |
HE MAKES LIGHTSABER NOISES | 0:04:24 | 0:04:27 | |
It was one of only 30 used on the set of Phantom Menace. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:31 | |
It belonged to Senator Palpatine! | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
Why are you all wearing your coats? | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
Cos your mum turned off the heating. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
Professor Green is not my mum. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
She banged your dad. She's your mum. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:48 | |
You must have a lot of dads then. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:50 | |
Sir, I'm freezing. Will you share your body heat with me? | 0:04:50 | 0:04:53 | |
-No. -Why is there no heating? | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
If you must know, the school is having some financial problems. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
Why don't you sell your organs, sir? | 0:04:58 | 0:04:59 | |
I heard the Queen's hamster needs a new cock. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
-LAUGHTER -Guys! Please! | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
You do realise, if Abbey Grove shuts down | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
you'll all have to go to St Edwards! | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
THEY GASP | 0:05:09 | 0:05:10 | |
The only school below us on the league table! | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
If I go to St Edwards, the only theatre I'll end up in | 0:05:12 | 0:05:15 | |
is an operating one. | 0:05:15 | 0:05:16 | |
St Edwards is not that bad, babe. Dean Gaffney went there. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
Dean Gaffney? We need to raise some money! | 0:05:19 | 0:05:21 | |
I could do a kiss-and-tell, sir, on this guy I'm seeing. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:24 | |
Yeah, with the best will in the world, Chantelle, I doubt that | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
Haroun from WH Smith is going to sell that many papers | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
apart from the ones that he literally sells. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
What if you take that condom you've got in your wallet to the Antiques Road Show? | 0:05:32 | 0:05:35 | |
Right, is it too much to ask to have a serious suggestion? | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
-I've got one. -Thank you, Rem Dogg. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
Sperm banks offer 60 quid for a small pot. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
We pump Mitchell's mum's stomach - a grand, easy. | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
Oh, my God, that is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
What about this? HE FARTS | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
ALL: Urgh! | 0:05:51 | 0:05:52 | |
Guys, can you be serious? Do you want to go to another school? | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
Stephen's dad's a banker. He could help us. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:58 | |
Babes, he's a cashier at NatWest. | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
What about two of us going to work in a casino, | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
mapping out their security procedures, | 0:06:02 | 0:06:03 | |
these guys can dress up in disguises and earn the trust of the owner, | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
then Jing can do some crazy circus shit in a room full of lasers. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
We're not going to re-enact the plot of Ocean's Eleven, Mitchell! | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
-Ocean's Twelve? -No. -Ocean's Thirteen? | 0:06:12 | 0:06:14 | |
-You're not really understanding the problem here. -Ocean's Fourteen? | 0:06:14 | 0:06:17 | |
It doesn't even exist! | 0:06:17 | 0:06:18 | |
Hey! Pro Green's got me teaching biology. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:25 | |
Said you had some stuff for me, but then I thought... | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
what does everyone love? Sea-Monkeys! | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
This isn't a primary school. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:32 | |
Alfie, if I tell you something, | 0:06:34 | 0:06:36 | |
do you promise that you won't overreact? | 0:06:36 | 0:06:38 | |
When have I ever overreacted? | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
I've applied for a job at a school in Soweto. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
HE MAKES A LOW SCREECHING SOUND | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
Why are you doing this to me? | 0:06:52 | 0:06:54 | |
HE HYPERVENTILATES | 0:06:54 | 0:06:57 | |
-OK? -Yeah. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:00 | |
Good. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:01 | |
Alf, I love this school, but I need a change in my life. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:07 | |
Grow a fringe! Try zumba! | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
Try heroin! | 0:07:10 | 0:07:11 | |
But I could do some good in Soweto. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:14 | |
Instead of being stuck here in Abbey Grove, | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
lurching from disaster to disaster. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
But what about us? | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
Our will-they-won't-they is the glue that binds this school together. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
Please don't go, Rosie, | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
you're the only person on the staff that I like. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
You can't leave me here with Pro Green and Anakin Skywanker. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:33 | |
The school needs you. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
I need you. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
Well, I mean, I've only just applied, so... | 0:07:39 | 0:07:43 | |
let's see what happens. Yeah? | 0:07:43 | 0:07:44 | |
-Here you go. -Frogs! -Yeah. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
Oh, my God, this one's not moving! | 0:07:50 | 0:07:52 | |
Maybe it's asleep. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
They're all dead. Your class are dissecting them. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
Urgh! Sure I can't just do Sea-Monkeys? | 0:07:57 | 0:08:00 | |
Give that about a day and it'll be the Discovery Channel in a glass. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
Off you go, Alfie. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
Where do you want these, Pro Green? | 0:08:24 | 0:08:25 | |
Next to the other sale items. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
-We're putting them on "the eBay". -It's "eBay". | 0:08:32 | 0:08:35 | |
You can't sell our books! | 0:08:35 | 0:08:37 | |
Yeah - what are the sad, lonely kids going to read | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
whilst everyone else is out in the playground having fun? | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
Desperate times, Mr Wickers. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:43 | |
You could sell that. | 0:08:43 | 0:08:45 | |
Or let me take a hammer to it. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
Why should I suffer for the school's profligacy? | 0:08:47 | 0:08:49 | |
Now, I need you two to prevail upon the kitchen staff to work for free. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:54 | |
-Why do we have to do that? -We're all in this together. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
-I just think that... -Ah-ah! | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
We're all in this together. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:03 | |
That will be all. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:04 | |
All right, whatever. Let's go and give Mrs Patmore her P45. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:09 | |
Mr Wickers, arretez-vous, si'l vous plait. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:12 | |
Stay behind, please? | 0:09:12 | 0:09:13 | |
Now, as you know, your father and I are courting. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:21 | |
-Courting? -Marty-Bear is a wonderful, caring, passionate man. | 0:09:21 | 0:09:27 | |
He, you, and I are a little family now. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
What do you want? | 0:09:31 | 0:09:32 | |
We'd like you to call me "Mummy". | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
Is something the matter? | 0:09:39 | 0:09:40 | |
I am looking at the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. | 0:09:41 | 0:09:46 | |
Oh, no - now I am. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
Trust me, I've got this. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
Are you sure? | 0:09:57 | 0:09:58 | |
Er, yeah, I'm a people person. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
Yo! Kitchen goblins! | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
I'm just here to tell you how much of a vital part | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
of the Abbey Grove machine you guys are. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
Yeah, maybe sometimes you don't get the credit you deserve | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
and you're a bit funny-looking, | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
but you're like Niall from One Direction - without you | 0:10:13 | 0:10:17 | |
there isn't a band! | 0:10:17 | 0:10:18 | |
Ah, and we go back a bit, don't we? | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
This guy, right, has got some of the best banter in the school, hey? | 0:10:22 | 0:10:26 | |
And a dab hand with the ladies! Player! | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
And my mate here, Iggy Pop. This guy, right, is... | 0:10:29 | 0:10:33 | |
One of the nicest WOMEN I've ever worked with. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:37 | |
Oh, yep! | 0:10:37 | 0:10:39 | |
And my brother from another mother, old...Little Chef. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:46 | |
Look, we could reminisce about the old days until the cows come home. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
But I'm here to tell you that Abbey Grove has gone bust, | 0:10:50 | 0:10:53 | |
so we were wondering whether you guys would be willing to do | 0:10:53 | 0:10:57 | |
"yo tang" on a sort of volunteer basis? | 0:10:57 | 0:11:01 | |
Unpaid. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:02 | |
That's cool, take five, have a think about it. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:09 | |
DOOR SLAMS SHUT | 0:11:09 | 0:11:10 | |
I knew it. Didn't I say, | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
if there was one person we could rely on, it's old... | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
-it's.... -Gladys. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
Gladys. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:19 | |
Gladys, with the hearing aids. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:24 | |
I remember now. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
She hasn't heard a word. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:29 | |
It looks like Pro Green's sold all the food. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
What are we going to feed the kids now? | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
-What's this? -We did a whip-round, sir. That's all our pocket money. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
Guys, I've been over this with you. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:51 | |
As much as I'd like to, I can't buy you booze again. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
No, Alfie, the money's for saving Abbey Grove. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:57 | |
-We know it's not much, but... -We don't want to leave, sir. | 0:11:57 | 0:12:00 | |
Even though this school's got shit wheelchair access. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
And fewer GCSEs than a Premier League football team. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
It's a dump, but it's my dump. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
You know what it's like with your own brew, sir. I like the smell. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
Some beautiful words there, Mitchell. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:15 | |
Guys, you've been so generous, | 0:12:17 | 0:12:20 | |
but I can't accept this. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:21 | |
There must be a better way. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
-Ocean's Fifteen? -Really? | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
-What are you doing? -Buttering the corridor. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:39 | |
Look, I really think we need to do a fundraiser. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
Alf, listen, we just simply don't have the time. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:45 | |
Mitchell's dad owns a funfair. He could easily lend us some stalls. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:48 | |
Unless I can pay them off in two days' time, | 0:12:48 | 0:12:50 | |
the bank are gonna pop a cap in the back of my ass. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
I don't really care about your ass, I care about this school. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
Calm down, dear! This is going to send people flying. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:59 | |
All we have to do is sit back, | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
capture the comedy Kerrie Gold, cash said gold, | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
vis-a-vis a £250 cheque from You've Been Framed and we're in Clover. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:09 | |
B-utter genius. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:10 | |
Right, are there any other butter puns you just want to get out of your system now? | 0:13:10 | 0:13:14 | |
I'll Lurpak it in. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
Look, the only problem with your genius plan, there's no-one here! | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
Everyone's in class. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:20 | |
Ah, no - I told Reggie Blinker that his dad's had another heart attack. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:24 | |
Lols! | 0:13:24 | 0:13:25 | |
Any minute now. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
Ha-haa! Woo-hoo! | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
Did you see that? ROFLcopter. | 0:13:35 | 0:13:37 | |
Does anyone care about this school? | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
Ah, I forgot to press record. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
Butter-fingers. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:42 | |
Reggie, do you think you've got another one in you? | 0:13:43 | 0:13:47 | |
What are you doing? | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
Oh, Alfie, hi. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:54 | |
Um, listen, they've offered me the job... | 0:13:54 | 0:13:58 | |
..and I've decided... | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
That, in the cold light of day, your hair-brained idea | 0:14:02 | 0:14:04 | |
to start a new life in Soweto is totally and utterly absurd? | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
To accept. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:08 | |
But you can't! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:11 | |
Why not? | 0:14:11 | 0:14:12 | |
Soweto sounds great. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
But I need you! | 0:14:14 | 0:14:15 | |
Look, there's something I have to tell you. | 0:14:17 | 0:14:20 | |
Something that maybe before I didn't realise. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:27 | |
Yeah, sure, back then I was just a silly little boy... | 0:14:27 | 0:14:32 | |
-Mmm. -But I've changed. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
-Rosie? -Yes. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
I'm... | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
I'm an alcoholic. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:45 | |
There, I said it. I'm drinking a bottle of whisky for breakfast. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:49 | |
I'm a player with a deadly addiction to hooch and cooch. | 0:14:49 | 0:14:53 | |
Stay with me, Rosie! Please don't let me end up like Georgie. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
You're not like George Best, Alfie. You barely drink. | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
-Er, yes I do. -Last year, you got hung over from some cherry liqueurs. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:03 | |
They were extremely potent. Anyway, right now I'm off the bloody rails. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
I only came in here because I'm looking for ethanol. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
I'd drink bloody anything. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
Not the SeaMonkeys! | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:15:19 | 0:15:20 | |
Ooh. (BURPS) | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
I've made my tummy pregnant. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
Whoa! | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
-Where do you think you're going with that? -Cash Converters. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
How the hell am I meant to teach without a television? | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
We need to make swingeing cuts. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
Stop saying swingeing. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:46 | |
It is the most annoying word I have ever heard. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:49 | |
Boys, could you collect Mr Wickers' video library. | 0:15:49 | 0:15:51 | |
You can take our electricity, you can take our television, | 0:15:51 | 0:15:55 | |
but you can never take our... | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
Braveheart, director's cut! Please let me keep this? | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
Everything must go. | 0:16:00 | 0:16:02 | |
Alfie, you must see you're the obvious candidate for redundancy. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:06 | |
I'm trying to protect you. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
Au revoir, les enfants. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:11 | |
Please, boys, it doesn't have to be like this! | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
Bullshit! | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
I'm getting my TV back, I'm getting my DVDs back, | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
and I'm stopping Miss Gulliver from going to Soweto. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
We are doing a fundraiser! | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
And it is going to be like Live Aid and Band Aid all rolled into one, | 0:16:26 | 0:16:30 | |
except this time we are stopping things from going to Africa. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:34 | |
But how are you going to convince Fraser to give you permission? | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
Alf, I've told you it's just not possible. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:41 | |
We simply don't have the time or the resources. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:44 | |
Your band can play at the fundraiser. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
So what time shall we open the doors? | 0:16:47 | 0:16:49 | |
-Here, go on, sir, test it out. -All right. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
Shit. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:10 | |
Sorry, Mr Harper. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
SPEAKS IN INDISTINGUISHABLE IRISH | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
Ha? | 0:17:25 | 0:17:26 | |
So, 50/50 on all profits? | 0:17:26 | 0:17:28 | |
HE SHOUTS | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
Right. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:32 | |
Couldn't agree more. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:34 | |
-You all right, Dad? -Mm. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:35 | |
Alf, I am so impressed that you've got all of this together in time. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:41 | |
Ah, you know, it's not just me. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
Everyone's doing their bit, especially Mitchell's dad here. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
Yes, Fergal. There is no "I" in team. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
Oh, I had quite a silly idea. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
At university, we did a man auction - | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
we bought the rugby team as slaves for a day. | 0:17:56 | 0:17:59 | |
Pinch me! | 0:17:59 | 0:18:00 | |
We could sell the teachers here! | 0:18:02 | 0:18:04 | |
You could put yourself up for sale. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
Who'd want to buy me? | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
I might. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:09 | |
He's not for sale. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:11 | |
I mean, how does she even hear that far? | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
Fundraiser to save our school! | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
What a pickle. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
You know, after my divorce, I travelled to India. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
I saw a beggar boy there. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
His little legs didn't work | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
and he was dragging himself along on a cart, begging. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
Well, don't beat yourself up about it. Everyone regrets their rebound. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
My point is, at least his sob story made him some money. | 0:18:42 | 0:18:46 | |
What is your problem with me? | 0:18:46 | 0:18:48 | |
I remind you that my Dad loved somebody else. | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
You're being ridiculous. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
You are just his beggar boy rebound. | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
Why, howdy partners! | 0:18:56 | 0:18:58 | |
Look at you two, thick as thieves. | 0:18:59 | 0:19:01 | |
Hi, Dad. I love you. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:05 | |
Whoa, what's got into you? | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
Come on, Marty Bear. Win me a teddy. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:10 | |
All righty then. Must dash, Alf pal. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
Bit fanny-whipped! | 0:19:13 | 0:19:14 | |
Sob story! Get me Rem Dogg now! | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
Excuse me, fundraiser to send a little boy to Florida | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
for life-saving surgery. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:29 | |
Please help me, mate. My brain's all shit. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:34 | |
HE PLAYS OUT-OF-TUNE NOTES | 0:20:01 | 0:20:05 | |
Um, talk me through this band. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
Well, we started out as a tribute act, but we were treading water | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
so I decided to Mumford us up a bit, you know, heartfelt summery anthems, | 0:20:10 | 0:20:14 | |
reclaiming the banjo from rapey American farmers. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
So you're a Mumford and Sons tribute act? | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
Well, sort of. The problem is, the lead singer, Donald, | 0:20:19 | 0:20:22 | |
he's quite set in his ways with the whole Slipknot vibe. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
So the band is called? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
Knotslip and Sons. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:27 | |
-Does that mash-up work? -Yes. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:30 | |
HE TWANGS SOME STRINGS | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
Perfecto. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
# I came home, and I saw you | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
# You were waiting, waiting for me | 0:20:41 | 0:20:45 | |
# In the sun, there you were | 0:20:45 | 0:20:49 | |
# Arms were open, wide as the sea | 0:20:49 | 0:20:53 | |
# I fell to my knees, as if to pray | 0:20:53 | 0:20:57 | |
# You opened your sweet mouth This to say | 0:20:57 | 0:21:02 | |
# Crawling in the shit! The devil is your dildo! | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
# Feed me to the worms! I'll burn all you bastard-whores! | 0:21:08 | 0:21:11 | |
# Thank you, Jesus for this glorious day. # | 0:21:17 | 0:21:22 | |
A grand? Is that it? | 0:21:27 | 0:21:28 | |
You tried your best. I'm still proud of you, Alf. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
What good's that? You're still not going to stay at Abbey Grove. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:34 | |
We've still got Gladys's car wash. | 0:21:34 | 0:21:36 | |
# Lick it now, lick it good | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
# Lick it just like you should | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
# Right now, lick it good | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
# Lick it just like you should | 0:21:43 | 0:21:45 | |
# My neck, my back, lick my ah! # | 0:21:45 | 0:21:48 | |
I don't think Gladys's milkshake is bringing too many boys to the yard. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:53 | |
What about the man auction? | 0:21:53 | 0:21:55 | |
We're 19 grand short, dipshit. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
Going once, going twice... | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
sold to Mrs Carmichael! | 0:22:00 | 0:22:02 | |
Now, our next slave for a day is a bit of a catch. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:09 | |
It's Mr Fraser! | 0:22:09 | 0:22:12 | |
Hi, ladies. I'm up for anything. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:14 | |
Cooking, cleaning, foot rubs - giving or receiving. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:17 | |
Actually, not receiving. | 0:22:17 | 0:22:18 | |
I've got a pretty nuclear crop of bunions at the moment. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
Shall we start the bidding at £50? | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
-Yes! -Oh, £50 from Mrs Welsh. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:26 | |
-£60 from Gladys. -(Oh, tits!) | 0:22:27 | 0:22:30 | |
-£70 from Mrs Welsh. -Go on. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
£80, Gladys, with you. Can I get £100? | 0:22:35 | 0:22:39 | |
Oh, £100 from Gladys, going once... | 0:22:40 | 0:22:43 | |
This is ridiculous, she can't even hear. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
-Going twice. -But we're not even paying her! | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
Sold to Gladys for £100! | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
Amazing! | 0:22:52 | 0:22:53 | |
Our next slave for the day is a very, very special man, | 0:22:54 | 0:22:59 | |
um, sorry... | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
He's just done so much to make today happen. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:04 | |
I know we may have not raised enough to keep this school going, | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
but Mr Wickers, he exemplifies everything that I will miss | 0:23:07 | 0:23:12 | |
about Abbey Grove. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
I know it's unconventional, | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
but I'd quite like to start the bidding myself. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
£50 for Alfie. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:21 | |
-£60. -70. | 0:23:21 | 0:23:23 | |
£80! | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
-100. -£200! | 0:23:25 | 0:23:28 | |
Don't worry, girls, you can share me. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
OK, but she's not kissing your mouth. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
This gentleman would like to make a bid on behalf of his employer. | 0:23:32 | 0:23:35 | |
I'll match whatever he bids. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
I don't think you will, Miss Gulliver. The bid is for £25,000. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:43 | |
EVERYONE GASPS What? | 0:23:43 | 0:23:46 | |
That's enough to save the school! | 0:23:46 | 0:23:48 | |
Well, I can't match that. Chantelle? | 0:23:48 | 0:23:52 | |
Wait, is this a wind-up? | 0:23:52 | 0:23:53 | |
Going once, going twice, | 0:23:55 | 0:23:58 | |
sold, to the mystery bidder! | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
CHEERING | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
We did it. We did it! | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
Who'd spend all that money on me? | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
Well, whoever it is, they've saved the school. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
And seeing as Abbey Grove's going to be OK, I think, maybe... | 0:24:20 | 0:24:25 | |
What? | 0:24:25 | 0:24:27 | |
I'm not going to South Africa, Alf. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
You said yourself that the school needs me and you need me, | 0:24:29 | 0:24:33 | |
but I've come to realise that I need the school, and... | 0:24:33 | 0:24:36 | |
I also need... | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
No, no. We made this mistake last term. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
Oh, yeah, you're right. We should just be friends. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:49 | |
No, I meant kissing in front of the kids. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:53 | |
(Come with me.) | 0:24:53 | 0:24:54 | |
Oh, Dad! | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
Jesus! | 0:25:05 | 0:25:07 | |
Alf! | 0:25:07 | 0:25:08 | |
Oh, Christ, er, er... Celia had the hiccups. | 0:25:08 | 0:25:12 | |
I was trying to scare her by giving her the willies. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:15 | |
Stop doing this! | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
Now calm down, Smoocher. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:19 | |
Martin, you must tell him. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
Er, Celia and I, er... | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
She mentioned that you may have seen an invitation? | 0:25:24 | 0:25:28 | |
What invitation? | 0:25:28 | 0:25:29 | |
Oh, God, yes, sorry - how could I forget? | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
Well, it's an invitation to a very special occasion. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:39 | |
We're getting married! | 0:25:39 | 0:25:42 | |
Dad, what the hell? You are marrying this stupid hobbit woman? | 0:25:42 | 0:25:46 | |
Oh, Alf, I love this hobbit woman. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
Could we stop saying hobbit woman? | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
Sorry, darling. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:52 | |
Alf, we're going to be a family again. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:55 | |
Come here, Smoocher. Hug Mummy. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
Alfie, come back! Alfie! | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
I know I should be pretty annoyed | 0:26:12 | 0:26:14 | |
but at least Pro Green makes my dad happy. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:18 | |
I'm happy too. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:20 | |
Ahem! | 0:26:21 | 0:26:22 | |
What, Jing? | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
Sir, the anonymous bidder says that you have to leave immediately, | 0:26:24 | 0:26:28 | |
otherwise the deal is off. | 0:26:28 | 0:26:29 | |
You'll be here when I get back, right? | 0:26:34 | 0:26:36 | |
Of course I will. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:37 | |
Pickwell! | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
You bought me? | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
Oh, yes, Mr Wickers. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:14 | |
But...last time I saw you, you were penniless! | 0:27:14 | 0:27:18 | |
Mm. Well, you remember my German consort, the Beast of Bergandorf? | 0:27:18 | 0:27:24 | |
Sadly the old man died last month, | 0:27:24 | 0:27:26 | |
leaving me all the gold he'd stashed in Switzerland. | 0:27:26 | 0:27:30 | |
Hence, my little splurge on you. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:33 | |
What can you possibly do with me that's worth £25,000? | 0:27:33 | 0:27:37 | |
Oh, you have no idea. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:41 | |
Let the games begin. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:45 | |
A saddle?! | 0:27:47 | 0:27:48 | |
Drive on, Mephisto. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:31 | 0:28:33 |