Strike Bad Education


Strike

School-based sitcom. Alfie must stand by his girlfriend Miss Gulliver when she leads the teachers on strike or sacrifice himself to save his class from failing their exams.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language

0:00:020:00:08

It's summer term, bitches!

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THEY WHOOP

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-Rem Dogg, are you in drag?

-He's gone emo.

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Oh, God!

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Now, how did the holiday reading go, guys?

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What? I gave you Game Of Thrones.

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Why would we read a book and ruin the fiercest TV show ever?

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And it's not on the history syllabus.

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Well, it should be. It's basically the Tudors with dragons and tits.

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Ooh!

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Ying, it would appear that you've forgotten to do the register.

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"Once you enable me, you negate me." Kierkegaard.

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Oh, wait a sec.

0:00:390:00:41

Hollow eyes, black polo neck -

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I believe Ying is having a little teenage existential crisis!

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-You don't understand.

-Oh, I do.

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My friend Atticus Hoy did this on our leavers' trip to Normandy -

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read a book by a Frenchman,

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ended up head-butting a horse just for the feeling.

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-Which book?

-SHE LISTS FRENCH TITLES

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Asterix.

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Right, enough with the doom and gloom.

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Krispy Kremes for one and all.

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Chantelle, I have prepared ripostes for cream fillings,

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sticky rings and glazed muffin tops.

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I'm busy.

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Good! Well, that's the spirit. Exam term, guys.

0:01:130:01:17

Oh, God! He's in a hat. Let's get this over with.

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-HE GASPS

-He's doing a Britney!

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Are you ill or racist?

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I kept getting nits.

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Mum said this was the only way. It's awful.

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It's not awful. I prefer it shaved.

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-I'll take note of that.

-I thought you were working.

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-Couldn't resist.

-It's all right, babe. Have a doughnut.

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I can't. I'm on a vegan diet.

0:01:400:01:43

Guys, have you been kidnapped by puberty?

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You've all...changed.

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W-W-Willy wanker.

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Right, my dad's just nicked an iPad

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so he's chucking out all his old porn. Who wants what?

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Sweet Mitchell.

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My rock.

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What's this lame-ass meeting about?

0:02:280:02:30

Fraser wants us to meet the new deputy head.

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Hey, for our flat, why don't we get a foosball table?

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Because we're not a student union.

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It'll be romantic.

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As an idea, I'm ranking this alongside the hot tub

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or that Michael Buble doorbell.

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Fine. We won't buy a foosball table!

0:02:450:02:47

I haven't bought a foosball table!

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Oh, I don't want to be a killjoy, Alfie, but we've got bigger priorities.

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The flat is a complete mess.

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Talking of a complete mess, you know my dad?

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-Yes!

-You know the way that he married a witch called Pro Green

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who ran off with all of his money and now he's sleeping in his car?

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-How do you feel about him living with us?

-No!

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I mean... I mean, no.

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No, because your dad should pick himself up

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and dust himself down,

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definitely change his clothes,

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and then find himself a new job.

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A job? My dad?

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He spends his days drinking alone in Wetherspoons

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and his nights moving from lay-by to lay-by trying not to get wanked on.

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He's a train wreck - totally unemployable.

0:03:240:03:28

Meet our new deputy head.

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Dad! Fraser, are you mad?

0:03:300:03:32

Insania. You like the Andre?

0:03:320:03:34

Roomies! How about movie night tonight?

0:03:340:03:36

-You, me, Octopussy and a keg of Bishops Finger.

-Oh!

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Did you already tell him he could live with us?

0:03:400:03:42

Um, no. He's probably been...

0:03:420:03:44

Alf, what's the US Military motto?

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Don't ask, don't tell?

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No, that was the BBC's in the 1970s.

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It's, "Never leave a man behind," and Pro Green left this man for dead.

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What? No, sorry. He can't be my boss - he's my dad!

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In here I'm your colleague, not your dad.

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Trust me, Mr Wickers, our relationship won't affect

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the work environment one iota.

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This is SO cringe!

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Smoocher can't handle stress.

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-Hm?

-One birthday, at Studham Adventure Playground

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he lost his nerve on the zip wire.

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Wet himself above some picnickers.

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Ruined his 18th.

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How is this happening?

0:04:160:04:18

Thank you, Mr Fraser!

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And thank you, everyone who's here. Fornication as magical as today.

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Cool, budge up - there's a new banterlope at the watering hole.

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This school is in financial dire straits.

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It's in need of money for nothing.

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Oh! That's good!

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What about the fundraiser - the teachers' auction?

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Yeah, I've raised 20 grand.

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I'm afraid it was poorly invested.

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I may have launched a clothing range.

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Dodgy and Gebanter.

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We've taken on extra pupils to secure more funding

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but it's not enough.

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Regretfully, we're going have to lose a member of staff.

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-MUTTERS OF PROTEST

-Everyone is on redundancy review,

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-from Mr Fraser downwards.

-Yes. Sorry, what?

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The school can't just sack a member of staff.

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I'll handle this, compadre. Rosie...

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..er, I'm sure, as a woman, you were a huge fan of Mrs Thatcher.

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-Oh, God.

-Martin did everything he could, Miss G.

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I even looked into pawning my car.

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Don't sell the car!

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Then I'm afraid the worst-performing teacher is for the chop.

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You won't get away with this.

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We are teachers.

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United we stand, divided we fall!

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-Yes!

-Hear, hear!

-Yeah. What she said.

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Ooh, just a quick one.

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Would the school be able to by a foosball table off me?

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A foosball table?

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No.

0:05:450:05:47

Feel it, Chantelle. So smooth! Did you Veet it?

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Love, you can't just pitch up and dump your shit on me property.

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-Gypsy king's changed his tune.

-Shut up your noise.

0:05:580:06:01

Whoa! Let's just calm down.

0:06:010:06:03

Sir, she's disrupting the class.

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Well, that's the pot calling the kettle bla...

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Go on, then, I dare you.

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Bl...

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A similar colour to itself. Huh, oh.

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And you are?

0:06:170:06:18

-Cleopatra.

-Ooh, Cleopatra, coming atcha.

0:06:180:06:21

Fuck off, Burglar Bill!

0:06:210:06:24

Good, we'll put that one down to first-day nerves.

0:06:240:06:26

-She's got a tongue on her.

-What you say, Little Miss Gel Pen?

0:06:260:06:29

-Which skip did you find that weave in?

-Bitch!

-Bin dipper!

0:06:290:06:32

Guys! Please be quiet.

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- Don't touch my shit, yeah? - What are you going to do about it?

0:06:330:06:35

OK. Can we just sit down and be quiet, please?

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-Touch my shit, I will end you!

-Split end you.

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-THEY CHANT: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

-Guys!

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Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

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OK, unless you sit down and shut up immediately,

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I will write down on the board the name of a character

0:06:490:06:52

who dies in Game Of Thrones season five.

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-THEY GASP

-Wouldn't dare.

-Wouldn't I?

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- Give that back to me! - Oi, get off!

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Right, R...

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Aargh!

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Oh, you silly prick!

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-A...

-Ah! Oh, my God!

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Martin Wickers, stop right there.

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What the Charlie Dickens is that?

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The solution to all our money problems. Behold the SegDesk.

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It's pending patent approval but trust me -

0:07:190:07:21

I'm standing on the next Dyson.

0:07:210:07:23

Wonders never cease. Maybe you should give up this teaching lark

0:07:230:07:26

and become a full-time bona-fide inventor.

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You know what? Maybe I sh...

0:07:280:07:30

Hang on, I know what you're trying to do you, sly old shit.

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Guilty as charged, m'lud.

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Anyway, sadly there's only one very obvious candidate for redundancy.

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And he came from in your balls!

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He gosh-darn did.

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Yep, the school governors want me to saddle up my ass

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and sacrifice my only son.

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I just pray Alfie can keep that class under control.

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-CLEOPATRA:

-Man, what's wrong with you? Hold him still.

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Fraser. Father.

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Ready for your appraisal, Smoocher?

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Yep, just as soon as I've washed the word "twat" off my forehead.

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Yep, that should do it.

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Dad, you do realise, if you fire me I won't be able to pay my rent.

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You'll be homeless and back in that smelly car.

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Which is why it's important that you stay focused.

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Right, um, Mr Wickers, what's your biggest weakness?

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Honestly?

0:08:280:08:30

This is a safe space. Please, truthfully, your biggest weakness?

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Truthfully?

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Probably poppers.

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-HE SNIFFS AND MIMICS EXPLOSION

-Every time.

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Miss Gulliver, your biggest weakness?

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Nothing?

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What's unique about you?

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I'm completely blind in one eye.

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Yep, absolutely no depth of vision.

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GLASS SMASHES The answer is, of course, my unique sense of humour

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-and with that, my work here is done.

-Mr Fraser, can you sit back down?

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Yes, siree-bob.

0:08:590:09:01

What's your greatest achievement?

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Nearly had a threesome on holiday.

0:09:030:09:05

Oh, yes, you've rather lost touch with Atticus Hoy and his brother.

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No! I meant on my gap year.

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My biggest regret? Mm.

0:09:130:09:15

I used to say the N word at least a hundred times a day.

0:09:150:09:18

"N-word this, N-word that." It was a real buzz-kill.

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And then one day, I vowed never again to say the word N-O.

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-The N word is "no"?

-Yep!

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Since then, everyone at Abbey Grove has been forbidden from ever

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saying the word "no" to anything.

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Except all of the girls.

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Oh, come on, Rosie.

0:09:360:09:37

What's been your proudest moment as a teacher?

0:09:370:09:39

This!

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-Describe yourself in one word.

-Succeedophile.

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-Sorry?

-You heard me right, madame.

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I am a massive, unrepentant succeedophile.

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You'd better put me on the goddamn register, sister, cos I will reoffend.

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At succeeding.

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What's your greatest ambition?

0:09:580:10:00

Pfft!

0:10:000:10:02

Probably another threesome.

0:10:020:10:03

Let's rein in the honesty a tad, shall we?

0:10:030:10:06

Maybe your ambition is to get some of your pupils into Oxbridge.

0:10:060:10:09

Ha! Oxbridge!

0:10:090:10:11

Never going to happen.

0:10:110:10:12

Very good, Alf, but, er, there's actually nothing wrong with Form K.

0:10:120:10:17

I believe there have been tests.

0:10:170:10:18

Many, many tests.

0:10:180:10:20

And there may be some people who believe the problem lies elsewhere

0:10:200:10:24

and they're saying that you're feckless, childish and incompetent.

0:10:240:10:28

I'm not feckless! I've got loads of feck!

0:10:280:10:32

I'm a fecking motherfecker!

0:10:320:10:34

So why don't you three just back the feck off!

0:10:340:10:37

You're not helping yourself.

0:10:370:10:38

Wait! You WANT to fire me!

0:10:380:10:41

Of course I don't want to fire you

0:10:410:10:42

-but you're leaving me with no choice.

-I'm your son!

0:10:420:10:45

Not at school, Mr Wickers. We're colleagues.

0:10:450:10:48

For now.

0:10:480:10:50

Et tu, Father!

0:10:500:10:51

The teachers of Abbey Grove are on strike.

0:10:540:10:56

We will not return to work until you promise job security

0:10:560:11:00

for every single member of staff!

0:11:000:11:02

Alfie, don't go with her - stay and fight for your job.

0:11:020:11:05

Whose side are you on, Alfie?

0:11:050:11:08

He's always been confused about which side he's on.

0:11:080:11:10

One minute he's holding hands with Alice Plemons,

0:11:100:11:13

the next I catch him ramming Pogs up Atticus Hoy's...

0:11:130:11:16

Right! To the barricades!

0:11:160:11:17

# Do you hear the people sing

0:11:170:11:20

# Singing a song of angry men?

0:11:200:11:22

# It is the music of a people who will not be slaves again

0:11:220:11:28

# When the... # MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

0:11:280:11:31

Just a quick one.

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Teachers still get paid on strike, right?

0:11:320:11:34

# When the beating of your heart

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# Echoes the beating of the drums

0:11:380:11:41

# There is a life about to start when tomorrow comes. #

0:11:410:11:46

Teachers united!

0:11:460:11:50

This strike is not about individuals.

0:11:520:11:55

This strike is for every teacher that has ever been sacked

0:11:550:11:59

by their own father.

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This strike is about drawing a line in the sand,

0:12:010:12:05

standing up to the man and saying "no"!

0:12:050:12:07

Yes, sir. THEY CHEER

0:12:070:12:09

You sure this is all right, mate?

0:12:120:12:14

-HE SIGHS

-God!

0:12:160:12:18

I haven't held a placard in my hand since I ran for student president.

0:12:180:12:22

-Really? You?

-Yeah, I guess you could say back at school

0:12:220:12:24

I had something of the politician in me.

0:12:240:12:27

-Did you get bummed by George Osborne?

-Dah!

0:12:270:12:29

Served another zinger.

0:12:290:12:30

What? Cos all black people work at KFC?

0:12:300:12:32

Is that what you're saying, Clarkson?

0:12:320:12:35

No, er, not at all,

0:12:350:12:37

a lot of my best friends are...

0:12:370:12:39

work in KFC.

0:12:390:12:42

Look, sir!

0:12:420:12:43

Come on!

0:12:430:12:44

It's my one-man Les Mis all over again.

0:12:460:12:48

Er, Joe, maybe lose the flag -

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it makes you look a little bit National Fronty.

0:12:500:12:52

I'm already sorting out the press. Joe's my PA.

0:12:520:12:55

I've spoken to a man from the Watford Guardian.

0:12:550:12:57

I want the nationals, babe.

0:12:570:12:58

I'm offering the Mail Online photos of Chantelle in a bikini.

0:12:580:13:01

Stephen, she's 16.

0:13:010:13:02

No, you're right, she's probably a bit old for the Sidebar of Shame.

0:13:020:13:05

You know what would really grab their attention? A hunger strike.

0:13:050:13:09

Joe, you know the way you're on this vegan diet, which...

0:13:090:13:12

Isn't working. I miss bacon so much.

0:13:120:13:15

Cheer up, Uncle Fester. Soon you'll be skinny enough to buy your clothes from Jacamo.

0:13:150:13:19

At least he don't get his threads from ASDA.

0:13:190:13:21

-Your mum get staff discount?

-She don't work at ASDA.

0:13:210:13:23

How she get a staff discount? Sucked off George?

0:13:230:13:25

-Guys!

-Don't worry! Not YOUR George!

0:13:250:13:29

Thanks. Er, look, Joe, my dad says that I'm a bad teacher

0:13:290:13:32

but who's going to look bad when doctors are force-feeding you

0:13:320:13:35

through a tube because you love me so much?

0:13:350:13:37

Alfie, is this strike just about getting revenge on your dad?

0:13:370:13:41

-HE TUTS

-No. A hunger strike's win-win, mate.

0:13:410:13:43

The governors will cave the minute you start losing weight.

0:13:430:13:46

-How long will that be? I'm going Tenerife next Christmas.

-Listen, guys.

0:13:460:13:49

Actions speak louder than words, Joe!

0:13:490:13:52

Rosa Parks, Tiananmen Square.

0:13:520:13:54

Protesting the war in Vietnam, a monk set himself on fire.

0:13:540:13:58

Oh, good idea. I'll get the petrol - we've already got a monk.

0:13:580:14:01

Idiot!

0:14:020:14:03

Ah, thank God for Ying. Always thinking.

0:14:040:14:07

What if we light a real fire under my dad's ass?

0:14:070:14:09

Old health and safety's here to save the day.

0:14:090:14:11

-I was thinking of throwing them off the roof.

-You've changed.

0:14:110:14:14

"I rebel, therefore I exist." Camus.

0:14:140:14:17

-Anyone else finding that a bit annoying?

-Yep.

0:14:170:14:20

I've got to go find Miss Gulliver - we're drawing up a list of demands.

0:14:200:14:23

-Beer at lunch!

-Unbelievable!

0:14:230:14:25

The reporter's here!

0:14:270:14:28

Tits and teeth.

0:14:280:14:29

So, er, why'd you get expelled from your last school?

0:14:320:14:35

-I kidnapped a teacher.

-Really?

0:14:350:14:37

No, you salad! I'm not a psycho.

0:14:370:14:40

Called in a bomb threat to get out of some long division.

0:14:400:14:43

Amazing.

0:14:430:14:45

Pick up your lip.

0:14:450:14:46

Someone's in love!

0:14:510:14:53

Oh, shit, maybe I am.

0:14:530:14:55

Bollocks!

0:14:550:14:56

You've taken a vow of silence?

0:14:580:15:00

OK, just let me know, by the way, if you don't want that foosball table.

0:15:020:15:06

Seriously, just say the word.

0:15:060:15:08

We're drawing up a list of demands.

0:15:090:15:11

We demand safe pensions.

0:15:110:15:14

Job security.

0:15:140:15:15

No more homework.

0:15:150:15:16

I'm a lover, not a fighter, babe.

0:15:180:15:20

Like Ghandi.

0:15:200:15:21

Oh, totes. David Gandy's always been an inspiration.

0:15:210:15:24

Those abs - like a cobbled street. Wouldn't want to walk down them in a wedged heel.

0:15:240:15:28

That man with the nappy? Eww!

0:15:310:15:33

Oi, Dickers.

0:15:400:15:41

I need your advice. I think I like Cleo - she's an absolute weldy.

0:15:410:15:45

Really? I thought you and her had beef.

0:15:450:15:47

Yeah, I... instantly regret using that word.

0:15:490:15:52

No, I think I, like, LIKE-HER like her.

0:15:520:15:54

She thinks I'm a tool.

0:15:540:15:55

Well, I mean, you kind of are.

0:15:550:15:57

Look, mate, men like me and you -

0:15:570:15:58

we're never going to be able to get girls with our looks.

0:15:580:16:00

What do you mean, men like me and you?

0:16:000:16:02

I'm an absolute baller, mate, a nine out of ten.

0:16:020:16:04

You look like a Topshop Peter Sutcliffe.

0:16:040:16:06

Right. I mean, do you want my help?

0:16:060:16:09

Our only option is to make girls laugh. Women love a sense of humour.

0:16:090:16:12

Oh, I get it, I've got to laugh her into...

0:16:120:16:14

A corner, yeah.

0:16:140:16:15

Laugh her straight into an impulsive flat-share

0:16:150:16:18

that binds her to you financially.

0:16:180:16:20

CAR HORN HONKS

0:16:200:16:21

Code red! They're sending in supply teachers!

0:16:240:16:26

THEY CHANT ANGRILY

0:16:260:16:29

Look at them - it's like the army of the unsullied invaded M&S.

0:16:290:16:33

What's wrong with supply teachers?

0:16:330:16:35

Well, put it this way -

0:16:350:16:36

even I can get a permanent placement.

0:16:360:16:38

-TEACHERS SHOUT

-Scab!

0:16:380:16:41

Oh, my God! All we need is Julie Walters and it's Billy Elliott! Scab!

0:16:410:16:44

Right, that's it, I'm taking this to the next level!

0:16:460:16:50

Dirty protest.

0:16:500:16:51

What? No!

0:16:510:16:52

I'm going to hit my dad where it hurts.

0:16:520:16:55

-His car.

-Shit on his car!

0:16:550:16:57

-No, there's no shit.

-Oh.

0:16:570:16:59

MUSIC: Children Of The Revolution by T-Rex

0:16:590:17:03

# Well, you can bump and grind

0:17:130:17:16

# And it's good for your mind

0:17:170:17:19

# Well, you can twist and shout

0:17:210:17:23

# Let it all hang out

0:17:240:17:26

# But you won't fool the children of the revolution

0:17:260:17:31

# No, you won't fool the children of the revolution

0:17:310:17:36

# Na-na, no

0:17:360:17:39

# Wow! #

0:17:450:17:46

Dickers, you been sniffing glue?

0:17:480:17:50

Shut up! What is all of this?

0:17:500:17:52

It's meant to be a strike, not a festival.

0:17:520:17:55

If we're here for the long haul, might as well have a laugh.

0:17:550:17:57

Tomato? I'm going to pelt the supply teachers.

0:17:570:17:59

Old school, slapstick! Cleo might like it.

0:17:590:18:02

-CLEO SCOFFS

-Salad for the salad.

0:18:020:18:04

Oi, Kelly Osbourne,

0:18:050:18:07

want to see a couple of turnips that look like your mum's bollocks?

0:18:070:18:10

Can I have a tomato?

0:18:120:18:13

No, Joe, you're on hunger strike.

0:18:130:18:15

-I'm so hungry.

-You're doing great, mate.

0:18:150:18:17

And remember, when everyone else is tucking into that delicious hog roast,

0:18:170:18:21

you, my friend, are going to be occupying the moral high ground.

0:18:210:18:24

Hog roast?

0:18:240:18:25

-Why, God?

-HE SIGHS

0:18:270:18:29

Joe!

0:18:290:18:30

Look what those journo bastards did, sir!

0:18:320:18:34

I told them not to print my left side.

0:18:350:18:37

I said, "Front on or three-quarter profile."

0:18:370:18:40

They've given me fat neck!

0:18:400:18:42

Sorry... did you say all of these things?

0:18:420:18:44

I thought it was an interview, not a bloody quiz.

0:18:440:18:47

Mein Kampf was the name of John Barrowman's autobiography.

0:18:470:18:51

You thought that Hitler's first name was Heil.

0:18:510:18:53

Heil Hitler.

0:18:530:18:54

That Hezbollah and Hamas were chips and dips.

0:18:540:18:57

Well, they sound yummy.

0:18:570:18:59

When asked who said, "I have a dream," you responded...

0:18:590:19:02

Westlife.

0:19:020:19:04

I know, I know, that one was dumb.

0:19:040:19:06

Originally, it was ABBA.

0:19:060:19:07

-Maybe we ARE stupid, sir.

-No, don't worry, Chantelle.

0:19:070:19:10

It's just some stupid journalist trying to spin a story out of nothing.

0:19:100:19:13

Is it? Miss Gulliver's class are revising. We're just pissing around.

0:19:130:19:18

Oi, who's nicked my porn?

0:19:180:19:19

I'm going to fail my exams.

0:19:210:19:22

Who cares, babes? I'm going to become a dancer and you'll be my make-up artist.

0:19:220:19:26

Not any more. I found out I need GCSEs to get into my beauty school.

0:19:260:19:29

I'm screwed!

0:19:290:19:31

So that's why you've been working so hard?

0:19:310:19:33

If I fail my GCSEs, I'll never get a job.

0:19:330:19:35

What have I got to put in my CV?

0:19:350:19:37

I haven't achieved anything!

0:19:370:19:39

Not true, babes. You got to snog Science from Big Brother Six.

0:19:390:19:43

-I don't want to be a failure!

-It's my fault.

0:19:430:19:45

You're not a failure, Chantelle, and you never will be.

0:19:450:19:48

My dad's right - I'm letting you guys down.

0:19:480:19:51

Don't worry. I'm going to get into our classroom,

0:19:510:19:54

I'll get some textbooks, start teaching you al-fresco style.

0:19:540:19:57

Who's Al Fresco? Wait, is it one of the Jersey Boys?

0:19:570:20:00

No, babe, "al fresco" is French for "patio"!

0:20:000:20:03

Oh, God, I really need to start teaching you again.

0:20:030:20:06

But you'll be breaking the strike.

0:20:060:20:07

I'm going to get you those GCSEs, I promise.

0:20:070:20:11

As Britain's youngest headmaster,

0:20:160:20:18

I have to be everywhere at once -

0:20:180:20:20

in lessons, in the staffroom,

0:20:200:20:22

occasionally in court,

0:20:220:20:23

but always in high spirits.

0:20:230:20:26

How do I do this, I hear you ask.

0:20:260:20:28

I give you...

0:20:280:20:30

the future!

0:20:300:20:32

FUTURISTIC WAILING

0:20:320:20:33

Versat... HE SPLUTTERS

0:20:380:20:40

Versatile.

0:20:400:20:41

PHONE RINGS

0:20:420:20:44

I want those reports on my desk by end of play today.

0:20:460:20:49

TRICKLING

0:20:500:20:53

Still working.

0:20:560:20:57

SPLASHING

0:20:580:21:00

Fast, quiet and efficient, the SegDesk has all the attributes

0:21:020:21:05

of a Victorian lover.

0:21:050:21:06

So hop on one today!

0:21:070:21:09

Rosie, what I'm about to do doesn't mean that I don't support you

0:21:170:21:22

and I still think that my dad's being a dick.

0:21:220:21:25

But I need to think about my kids.

0:21:250:21:27

I'm putting an end to this strike.

0:21:300:21:32

I'm crossing the picket line and I'm negotiating.

0:21:320:21:34

I'm sorry.

0:21:360:21:37

Stop! Alfie! You can't let them win!

0:21:390:21:42

Come back!

0:21:420:21:44

Ah, you've finally come to your senses.

0:21:440:21:47

Traitor!

0:21:510:21:53

-SHE CHANTS:

-Judas, Judas!

0:21:530:21:55

CROWD JOINS IN: Judas, Judas, Judas!

0:21:550:21:57

Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas!

0:21:570:21:59

Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas!

0:21:590:22:03

CHANTING CONTINUES

0:22:050:22:07

Oi, Ying, come and give us a hand with something.

0:22:070:22:10

I quit! I quit!

0:22:120:22:15

I quit!

0:22:150:22:16

-What?!

-I quit!

0:22:170:22:19

If that's the only way that I can get everyone back into school,

0:22:190:22:23

then...that's the way it's got to be.

0:22:230:22:26

You don't have to. We can break them!

0:22:260:22:29

But how long's that going to take? Days, weeks?

0:22:290:22:32

I can't risk that. My kids need to be learning

0:22:320:22:34

and that's not going to happen out here.

0:22:340:22:36

No, sir, you can't quit.

0:22:360:22:37

No, Chantelle, you deserve a better teacher.

0:22:370:22:40

Maybe this is for the best.

0:22:400:22:42

So, Dad, reluctantly,

0:22:420:22:45

I take this redundancy. The strike's over!

0:22:450:22:48

What you just did showed real courage.

0:22:570:23:01

I hope I proved a point.

0:23:010:23:03

This whole thing was getting completely out of hand.

0:23:030:23:06

Thankfully, now we can all go back to normal.

0:23:060:23:08

Good old Alfie, joking to the last. We're going to miss you, son.

0:23:120:23:16

Miss me?

0:23:160:23:18

Well, you did just resign.

0:23:180:23:20

Yeah, but I mean, I was kind of only doing the whole "I quit" thing

0:23:200:23:24

to show everyone how ludicrous the whole situation was.

0:23:240:23:27

I don't actually have to lose my job, do I?

0:23:270:23:30

I've still got to find the money from somewhere

0:23:300:23:32

and I did plead with the governors

0:23:320:23:34

but they were going to insist I sack you anyway.

0:23:340:23:36

If only you'd shown this pluck during your review,

0:23:360:23:39

instead of all that guff about threesomes.

0:23:390:23:42

If it's any consolation, you saved me a lot of soul searching.

0:23:420:23:45

Yeah, it's no consolation whatsoever.

0:23:470:23:50

Oi, Cleo, watch this.

0:23:500:23:51

"Commitment is an act, not a word." Sartre.

0:23:510:23:54

"Eat pig, bitch!" Mitchell.

0:23:540:23:57

-Alfie!

-THEY GASP

0:23:570:24:00

That is bang out of order, man.

0:24:050:24:07

Oh! How could she not find that funny?

0:24:070:24:09

We've just squashed a vegan with a pig!

0:24:090:24:11

You took a pig for me, brother.

0:24:130:24:14

I'm so hungry.

0:24:150:24:17

A hundred grand? That's unbelievable.

0:24:200:24:24

Er, yes, I accept. I can't wait to tell the troops.

0:24:240:24:28

Stop! Nobody's getting fired...

0:24:280:24:31

as I have just sold a patent to the Japanese guy who brought you

0:24:310:24:34

such hits as the She-wee and He-boob.

0:24:340:24:36

That's right, Japan is about to say konichiwa to the SegDesk.

0:24:360:24:39

That's not true, is it?

0:24:390:24:41

I sold my flat. I knew the governors wanted Alf's head

0:24:410:24:44

and I couldn't stay on at Abbey Grove without my best bud.

0:24:440:24:46

Thanks, Fraser.

0:24:460:24:48

Where will you live?

0:24:480:24:49

Ah...my office.

0:24:490:24:51

Either that or, Martin, can your car fit two?

0:24:510:24:54

It can. Post-divorce, I had a rebound fling

0:24:540:24:57

with a 16-stone lady trucker called Fat Pat.

0:24:570:25:00

Romancing a woman of that size in the back of the flame-red Tigo

0:25:000:25:04

could prove taxing.

0:25:040:25:05

Getting her bra and truss off alone was a three-man job.

0:25:050:25:08

Luckily she had a friend - Mick, her husband.

0:25:080:25:11

Dark days!

0:25:120:25:14

I'll probably just rent.

0:25:150:25:17

Dad! About your car...

0:25:170:25:19

Before you see it, can you just remember

0:25:200:25:23

that I was really, really angry.

0:25:230:25:27

STUDENTS CHUCKLE

0:25:330:25:36

Oh, my days! That is jokes!

0:25:390:25:43

The gashmobile.

0:25:430:25:44

Man's car got porned!

0:25:440:25:47

-Half the credit must go to Mr Mitchell.

-What?

0:25:470:25:50

CLEO CHUCKLES

0:25:500:25:52

Er, yeah, it was me. I did it.

0:25:520:25:54

Ah, quite funny, bruv.

0:25:540:25:56

Don't touch me.

0:26:000:26:01

Come on.

0:26:010:26:03

-Cheers for that, sir.

-That's all right.

0:26:060:26:09

HE SIGHS

0:26:090:26:11

OK, guess I'd better go and get cleaned up, then.

0:26:110:26:13

Yep, that should do it.

0:26:170:26:19

THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY

0:26:240:26:27

Yeah, I rule!

0:26:290:26:30

One more game, then back to work?

0:26:300:26:32

I'm glad you didn't leave, sir.

0:26:320:26:34

Oh, so am I, Chantelle.

0:26:340:26:36

You guys are like a family to me.

0:26:360:26:39

Mitchell, Joey Boy, even Cleo.

0:26:390:26:42

Little Rem Dogg.

0:26:420:26:44

Where is Rem Dogg?

0:26:450:26:46

Oh, shit! Rem Dogg!

0:26:490:26:51

Hey!

0:26:540:26:56

Ooh, someone had a wee-wee in the night.

0:27:000:27:03

It's the summer term and Alfie Wickers is back as the self-styled maverick of Abbey Grove. He's in high spirits trying to get his class through their exams. But there is a shock for Alfie with the revelation his dad Martin has been appointed as the new deputy head, whose first jobs are to increase class sizes and fire a member of staff after Fraser has badly invested the school's money in his own clothing range, Dolce and GaBanter.

For Alfie this means a new class member, Cleopatra, and a tough decision to make - stand by his girlfriend Miss Gulliver when she leads the teachers on strike or sacrifice himself to save his class from failing their exams.


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