After School Clubs Bad Education


After School Clubs

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This programme contains some strong language.

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I photographed this text message on Miss Gulliver's

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phone so she couldn't delete it before I confronted her.

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It's to some guy called Orlando.

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"Can't wait for BDSM tonight. I love my bondage and my freedom."

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What does BDSM even mean?

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-Bondage domination and sadomasochism.

-Shut up, Mitchell!

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Trust me Sir, I've watched a lot of porn.

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I'm sure there's a logical explanation why she's texting

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some random guy about bondage.

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Why don't you just ask her?

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Sit her down and have an honest conversation with her?

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-Grow up, mate!

-Look it up, BDSM.

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"My bondage and my freedom," I recognise that.

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What the hell!

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Cor, Rem Dogg, your mum's putting a lot of strain on that harness.

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THEY LAUGH

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Maybe she thinks I'm a prude. Have I driven her to this?

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Calm down, Sir. Here's what you need to do.

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Alfie, I don't remember inviting you.

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So, before we plunge in, maybe the newest

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member of our clandestine cabal could introduce himself.

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We'll be gentle.

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THEY LAUGH

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Phew!

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Hi, I'm Alfie.

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I am into fetish play, er, light spanking and threesomes.

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If another dude's involved,

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then preferably Rosie would be holding my hand.

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I brought a paddle and er, remember, guys,

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dorm rules, it's not gay if there's no eye contact.

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Well, this fortnight we read My Bondage and My Freedom,

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a heart-wrenching account of slavery by Frederick Douglass.

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BDSM?

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Book Discussion Society, Magdalene.

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I'll go.

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(Oh, my God!)

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THEY LAUGH

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So, it turns out My Bondage and My Freedom is a book.

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By Frederick Douglass! I knew I recognised it.

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In the nick of time(!)

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Now Miss Gulliver's staying with a friend

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and I know it's that douche bag Orlando.

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Listen, Sam Cam, whining like a bitch ain't going to make it better.

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But revenge might. Where's Mitchell?

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I'm going to mess him up.

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With your spanking paddle?

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Oi, everyone, listen up, I've got some news. I'm leaving Abbey Grove.

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-What?

-Did UKIP set fire to your caravan?

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No. Why does everyone think I'm a gypo?

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I'm leaving cos my dad's fairground's been

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shut down by the council.

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TBH, your fair is a bit shit.

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None of your dad's air rifles shoot straight.

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Tell that to the cashier at HSBC.

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Going to pretend I didn't hear that.

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You could still come to school. Not that I give a shit.

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What if Abbey Grove became a boarding school,

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you could stay in a dormitory like I did at my school?

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Cheers, Spanky, but I'd rather not be gangbanged by the quidditch team.

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THEY LAUGH

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This is bullshit! There must be a way of keeping you here.

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Fraser, we need to turn the playground into a paddock.

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Well, we do need dollar, dollar is what we need.

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But fear not, I have a new initiative.

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I'm renting out rooms after school.

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The library is being used by Miss Gulliver's book group.

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-Oh.

-I told her it might be double booked, but she-cracked the whip.

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-"Wpssh"!

-Please stop.

-The safe word's, "Banter."

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-Banter.

-Consider me gagged and bound.

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A Mr Hitchell Marper is renting out the school

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-hall for a retirement party.

-Right.

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And I bagsied the gym for my larping crew.

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-Larping?

-Live action role play.

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Picture a ragtag gang of shaggers

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and legends doing battle dressed as dwarfs, orcs, elves and wizards.

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Legends? Shaggers?

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Do you want in?

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I think I'll give it a miss.

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Larping came in on my bucket list just below drinking

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a gallon of urine or dying of leprosy.

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But I've told the lads all about you,

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they're desperate to meet my best friend.

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Er, best friend?

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OK.

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You know all that paperwork winging its way down from Tory HQ?

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The 25-page document I need to complete on making the kids'

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handwriting look more British?

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(I will make that form and all the others disappear

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(if you get your larp on.)

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Why are you whispering?

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(I think Gove had the room bugged.)

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Sneaky!

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Love in the Time of Cholera.

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Sounds like our mini break in Morocco.

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One mouthful of shower water, then boom! Remember?

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Fondly.

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Can we talk?

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BELL RINGS

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-I've got to read this.

-For your "book club"?

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Ugh, don't do inverted commas, it IS a book club.

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Why is it being held in the library?

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Because I wanted to support Fraser's new scheme.

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And I didn't want to have it at ours.

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What, because you're ashamed of me?

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Look, I don't normally care what people think about us, but I

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just had to convince my ex-boyfriend I'm not going out with a gimp.

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Orlando! "Ooh, look at me, I'm so vintage, I've got a pager."

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-He's a doctor.

-He's a dick!

-And, anyway, Orlando isn't even...

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What kind of a name is Orlando?

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I mean, where was he conceived, the log flume at Disneyworld?

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He was named after a book by Virginia Woolf.

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-'Course he was.

-Don't be intimidated.

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Um, who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?

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Sorry, I can't work out if you're joking.

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I am joking. Look, please, please give me a second chance.

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I'll come to the book group tonight.

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But you hate reading and it's in six hours,

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it took you a year to finish Charlotte's Web.

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Oh, you watch me, I am going to prove that I am

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just as good as any of those smug, judgmental, dweeby, Oxbridge shits...

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..who are your good friends.

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Right, change of plan - I won't be teaching you today.

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You guys can get on with these personal statements whilst

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I speed-read this dumb book.

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Love in the Time of Cholera, is it like Slumdog?

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No, it's South American, I think.

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Oh, sweet, is there a cartel?

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I hope so, cos thus far this book has been about as dry as a camel's fanny.

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"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

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How are we meant to answer that?

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Easy - treading the boards, crunching the numbers, on the dole,

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in the clink and...

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Up the duff!

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No. Working as a qualified beautician.

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Who may or may not be pregnant.

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Don't worry, Sir, we'll be careful.

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Just remember, kids, in five years' time,

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when you leave university, there will nothing holding you back.

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Except for a mountain of unpayable lifelong crippling debt.

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So be ambitious, children! Remember, the sky's the limit.

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How do you spell celebrity?

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Ah, gosh!

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-Oi, Stephen, can I borrow a gel pen?

-What scent, cherry or lime?

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Whatever.

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Oh, oh, it's a mouse!

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HE LAUGHS

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Somebody kill it. Somebody get it for me!

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-Mitchell?

-Well, it's me last day, Sir, so I did a few pranks.

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Ah, you scamp!

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Calm down, Stephen.

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Remember, it's more afraid of you than you are of it.

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Why do you even have a mouse?

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I feed 'em to my snake.

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Oh, shit!

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THEY LAUGH

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It's a snake!

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Calm down, Sir. It's more afraid of you than you are of it.

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Pizza?

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I like this Mitchell prank. He ordered 200 on the school account.

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How far have you got?

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Page five!

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I'll look like an idiot tonight at the book group

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and Miss Gulliver's going to end up

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shagging Orlando in his...sex library.

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Can I help?

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I can read a chapter for you, if you like.

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I wish you could, but I'd need, like,

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15 yous to read the whole bloody thing.

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Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

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Yes, I am! Cloning!

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Book pool!

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Yeah, you're right, book pool is a much better idea.

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Everyone in the class can read one chapter each. Gather the team!

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Where are you going?

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To tell the librarian to get her sweet little 70-year-old

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ass down to Waterstones pronto cos Love in the Time of Cholera

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has just been put on the goddamn syllabus.

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What you doing tonight? It's just my leaving party.

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Can you come?

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I don't know, innit. Maybe.

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Look, I just wondered if you fancied, no, if you had a type...

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..of pizza what you go for?

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Yeah. Every girl's got their type.

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See, I like my pizzas well hot..

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Yeah.

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-..With lots of dough.

-All right.

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Minimum, 12 inches.

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-Oh.

-What have their own car

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and don't live in a shitty caravan with their fam...fam.

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I don't think Dominos do that one.

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What about our personal statements?

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Park those, this is way more important!

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Right, Jing, you'll take chapter two. Stephen, chapter three.

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Mitchell, chapter four. Chantelle, chapter five.

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And Joe's going to bring it on home with the anchor leg.

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Only if you help me out first.

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Fine, but I won't lie in court and I refuse to handle stolen goods.

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Cleo's Peng and this party's the last opportunity I'll

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have to pull her, but she thinks I'm as sexy as a shit in a lift.

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With a turn of phrase like that, I'm amazed she can resist you (!)

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I'll help you, babe! We all will.

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I've seen this a million times - boy wants girl way

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out of his league, it's got Super Sweet 16 written all over it.

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Stephen's right, you have to look your best tonight.

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Don't take this wrong , but does your dad have a court suit?

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-Yeah, used to be his lucky suit.

-What happened?

-Got found guilty.

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Perfect, so he won't be needing it.

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If you're going for the suit, you might as well go the whole hog.

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As the toilet attendants do say, no spray, no lay.

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Where am I going to find pepper spray?

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What? No! Aftershave.

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To stand a chance with Cleo, this party has to be fierce,

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-I'm talking hot tub!

-Not going to happen.

-Strippers!

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-No way!

-Vodka Luge?

-It's a school.

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-Lap dancers.

-You're obsessed.

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You better be there tonight, Dickers, bring the ball and chain.

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And the gag and the whip, oi, oi!

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HE LAUGHS

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Oh, Jesus! Are you wearing anything underneath that?

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Does talcum powder count?

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Definitely not.

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Then no, I am as naked as the day I was

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arrested in Bensons for Beds trying out a double divan.

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I sleep nude, I'm not going to make an ill-informed purchase.

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Look, Fraser, about the larping...

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The look on my friends' faces when they found out you're real.

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I can't come. I really have to go to this book group.

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-But Malcolm and Philip, they're expecting you.

-I'm sorry.

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Ugh, very well then.

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The last of Gove's initiatives.

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He wants the pupils to write with quills.

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Oh, all those boxes to tick and look,

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a 30-page guide on how to pluck a goose.

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HE SIGHS

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I'll come for five minutes.

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Thanks, Alf, you won't regret it.

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Your bin's there.

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It used to be there.

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Philip, Malcolm, meet my best friend.

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Salutations, Alfred! Nice costume.

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THEY LAUGH

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Thanks. Fraser picked it out for me.

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I was busy being a fully functioning member of society.

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The hobbit possesses a tongue forged of fire. You jest nimbly.

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If only he'd lavished similar care on his costume.

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THEY LAUGH

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Indeed, Philip, a very sloppy Hobbit.

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Right, I mean I am here.

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I spotted the mistake as soon as he walked through yon portal.

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-Pray tell, Philip.

-Tell thee I shall, fair Malcolm.

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Are you two like medieval Chuckle Brothers?

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The ears, Sirrah. In real life, the Halfling does not have a

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pointed helix.

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Did he just say "in real life"?

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It's like Comic-Con all over again.

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Mm.

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Come brother, let us high to the mead.

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They may be the biggest twats I've ever met in my entire life.

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HE WHISPERS IN ELVISH

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What happened at Comic-Con?

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Oh, nothing much. I bought us all tickets and we went as Sylvian

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elf archers and I stupidly turned up with a longbow of Lothorian.

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They were well within their rights to send me home, to England.

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To England? Where was Comic-Con?

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San Diego.

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Hark!

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We must journey to the Dark Mountain

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and there do battle with Lord Gorath's dragon legion.

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Cool! I'm going to nip for a shit.

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Poor Fraser. Abandoned at the battlefield by his only ally.

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I'm coming back and when I do I'm going to make it rain, bitches!

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Hobbits can't cast weather spells.

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Dick!

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Joe, where the hell are those summaries?

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I needed to be in that book group five minutes ago.

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I'm collecting them right now.

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That's your dad's suit? What was he found guilty of,

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crimes against fashion?

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Could say that, he robbed a River Island.

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I need to give these to Alfie.

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Nah, doing a crate escape, mate, you got to drink your way out.

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I can't let him down.

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HE SIGHS

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Pass me a beer.

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I mean, the plot is so elegant.

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Fermina marries the wrong man,

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so Florentino has to wait 50 years to be with her.

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Sorry, um, retarde to the bibliotheque. I bought hummus.

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Well, that's better than last week's offering.

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Bit uncalled for.

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So, do we all have our books?

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(I thought I'd take a back-seat to start with, you know,

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(just get my bearings.)

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Yeah, that's a good idea. Just, just take your time.

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Were we all satisfied by the narrative's denouement?

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Well, I thought it was beautifully bittersweet.

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If there's one thing I know about Rosie,

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she abhors a Hollywood ending.

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SHE LAUGHS

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I do!

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Yeah, well she enjoyed Frozen.

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Maybe you don't know Rosie as well as you think you do.

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People change, mate.

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Or maybe they don't, as Marquez posits.

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Would you care to expand on that hypothesis?

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Um, yes. Yeah. Watch me expand.

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The author, old Gabriella Garcia Marquezeria.

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Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

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Whatever! You say potato, I say frittata.

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THEY LAUGH

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You know what, why don't we start at the beginning of the book

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rather than the end, wouldn't that be more logical?

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-Yeah, yeah, that's fine with me, yeah.

-Wise old dude's with me.

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What's that old saying people have?

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"Don't judge a book by its cover,

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"but do judge a book by the first seven pages."

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No, er, one more thing...

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..why aren't more books printed in Comic Sans?

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OK, I think we've covered the first seven pages of the book

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pretty thoroughly.

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Why don't we, we move on? Let's discuss the novel's message.

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Ah, well, the text's thematic paradigm is a simple one.

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Love never dies.

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Unless it catches cholera, burn!

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And two lovers may part, but their hearts will always beat as one.

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Yeah, well, that's weird, because I read the exact opposite in the text.

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I read that, you know, she made a mistake, so move on, mate.

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Well isn't that completely contradictory?

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Literature's subjective, Orlando, there is no right and wrong.

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Yeah, thanks old friend. It's a Catch-24.

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Alfie, you have read the end of the book?

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Yeah. Yeah, read the end, and the beginning, and the middle.

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So, what specifically did you think about the end?

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Um, well, well, well, well, well, very good question.

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Um, the main guy is called Fernando and it's a love story,

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so do we all think that's why, on Take Me Out,

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they called it the Isle of Fernandos?

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-He's called Florentino.

-Shit!

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Maybe we should take a comfort break.

0:16:520:16:54

Great idea. Someone's bladder's not up to it!

0:16:540:16:57

I'm going to go and er, smoke a Gauloises.

0:16:570:17:00

Oh, and Orlando, BT dubs, if you're going to go drop the kids

0:17:000:17:05

off at the pool, just remember that's your arse, that's your elbow.

0:17:050:17:09

Alfie, you're on fire.

0:17:090:17:11

Thanks, babe!

0:17:110:17:13

No, no, you're on fire.

0:17:130:17:15

What? Oh, shit!

0:17:150:17:17

Didn't like that scarf anyway, so...

0:17:180:17:20

Joe, where have you been? Have you been drinking?

0:17:260:17:30

Ah, just give me the chapter summaries.

0:17:340:17:36

Relax, Sir, have a beer.

0:17:380:17:39

No, I've got to get back to this book group.

0:17:390:17:42

-But, Sir, it's my leaving party!

-OK, one, but it's got to be quick.

0:17:420:17:46

HE LAUGHS

0:17:460:17:47

Alf? Alf? Alf, there you are.

0:17:500:17:53

Where's your costume?

0:17:530:17:55

Fraser, the book club...

0:17:550:17:56

Malcolm and Philip said you'd bailed on me. I didn't believe them.

0:17:560:17:59

-I'm not bailing, it's just...

-No, don't worry. I understand.

0:17:590:18:02

Malcolm and Philip got to you, I know, they're right,

0:18:020:18:05

you're not my friend and you think I'm a loser, too.

0:18:050:18:09

THEY GROAN

0:18:110:18:13

Calm down, mate, it's non-contact!

0:18:170:18:19

Yah!

0:18:200:18:22

Isn't this amazing?

0:18:220:18:24

Yeah, it's all right I suppose.

0:18:240:18:26

Oh, that hobgoblin you nailed think he's going to be blinded for life.

0:18:260:18:29

You might want to go easy on the gouging!

0:18:290:18:31

Whoop, whoop, it's the bellend patrol!

0:18:330:18:36

PHONE BEEPS

0:18:360:18:37

Whoa, put your phone away, it's historically inaccurate.

0:18:370:18:40

Last month, Phil and Malc caught me wearing a digital wristwatch.

0:18:400:18:43

They quite rightly punished my blooper by making me

0:18:430:18:45

sit in a barrel for five hours.

0:18:450:18:47

My doctor thinks I'm going to have back problems for life.

0:18:470:18:49

I'm sorry, Fraser, I've got to get back.

0:18:490:18:52

-But Alf, I'm outnumbered!

-I'm sorry.

0:18:520:18:55

HE GROANS

0:18:570:19:00

My notes, no peeking!

0:19:070:19:09

Yes, I thought the plot might prove too complex for some readers.

0:19:090:19:13

Complex! A child could read it.

0:19:130:19:16

But would a child understand it?

0:19:160:19:18

Hopefully.

0:19:180:19:19

Go and talk to Cleo.

0:19:240:19:26

I'm going, I'm going. I just need to be a bit more drunker.

0:19:260:19:29

It's not as much fun without Mr Wickers.

0:19:290:19:31

Hope the book club's going well.

0:19:310:19:33

I think I gave him some good ammo.

0:19:330:19:35

Marquez views love not as a sickness,

0:19:350:19:39

but as an ontological phenomenon.

0:19:390:19:42

The lovers exist within their own relationship and,

0:19:420:19:47

as we all know, the course of true love never did run smooth.

0:19:470:19:52

-Oh!

-(Wow!)

0:19:520:19:54

THEY CLAP

0:19:540:19:56

That was beautifully put.

0:19:560:19:58

Well, that was kind of what I was saying.

0:19:580:20:00

Quote time!

0:20:000:20:02

"The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love."

0:20:020:20:05

Florentino.

0:20:050:20:07

Thank you.

0:20:070:20:09

While we're on that theme, er, er,

0:20:090:20:11

what did we all make of Florentino's character?

0:20:110:20:13

Well...

0:20:130:20:15

I've got this one as well. Ssh!

0:20:150:20:17

-Well I thought the book was totes obvious.

-Really?

0:20:170:20:20

Er, hello! Come on, babe, a tale as old as time.

0:20:200:20:22

The lead character, Florentino, is definitely gay.

0:20:220:20:27

But he's in love with a woman.

0:20:270:20:31

So was Ricky Martin.

0:20:310:20:34

So what did you make of it?

0:20:350:20:37

Well, I didn't have time to read it, so I just took an educated guess.

0:20:370:20:40

You made it up.

0:20:400:20:41

He said it was set in South America,

0:20:410:20:43

so I just thought two plus two equals...

0:20:430:20:45

A massive pile coke now covered in the brains

0:20:450:20:48

and blood of the cartel boss, El Cajones Grandes,

0:20:480:20:54

who'd just been shot in the back of the head by Ross Kemp.

0:20:540:20:59

(Oh, you dick!)

0:21:010:21:03

What are you guys talking about?

0:21:030:21:05

The book report.

0:21:050:21:07

Oh, yeah, when do you have to hand them in by?

0:21:070:21:09

Joe already took them, babes.

0:21:090:21:11

What? But they were our personal statements, weren't they?

0:21:110:21:14

Hang on, hang on, let me get this straight - you think Fermina's

0:21:140:21:18

motivation was not to be reunited with her true love,

0:21:180:21:20

but to open a nail salon in Chigwell and save up for breast implants

0:21:200:21:25

and then marry her teacher.

0:21:250:21:28

Ye...yeah.

0:21:280:21:31

Right.

0:21:310:21:32

-Well, shall we call it a night?

-Yes.

0:21:320:21:35

Alfie, it's Fraser. I've cornered Philip and Malcolm in the gents.

0:21:390:21:43

Come and help me slay them.

0:21:430:21:45

Thus the trap is set.

0:21:470:21:49

We shall slay your deformed Hobbit right here, in the stoolery.

0:21:490:21:55

And what shall we do with this one?

0:21:550:21:59

Fetch me the barrel.

0:21:590:22:00

-Huh!

-Good idea.

0:22:000:22:02

THEY LAUGH

0:22:020:22:04

THEY SIGH

0:22:060:22:08

-Right, I'll fetch the barrel.

-Yeah, yeah, cool.

0:22:080:22:11

If it's any consolation, I thought your version,

0:22:110:22:14

with the strippers and the drug dealers sounded pretty good.

0:22:140:22:18

I've forced her into the arms of her ex.

0:22:180:22:20

Oh, er, listen, Rosie, she just needs space.

0:22:200:22:25

I want you to know that nothing's happened.

0:22:250:22:29

We don't know that, Richard.

0:22:290:22:33

Alfie, let's have coffee tomorrow and just talk everything through.

0:22:340:22:37

-Are you still OK to drive me home, Richard?

-Yeah.

0:22:370:22:41

Hey, Rich, make sure that snaky ex doesn't follow her home.

0:22:410:22:43

Er, Alfie, Richard is my ex.

0:22:430:22:46

What? (But he's a little old man.)

0:22:460:22:51

He was my lecturer at Oxford.

0:22:510:22:53

Yeah, we used to walk together through the woods,

0:22:530:22:55

reciting poetry by heart.

0:22:550:22:58

"A thing of beauty is a joy for ever, its loveliness increases,

0:22:580:23:02

"It will never pass into nothingness,

0:23:020:23:04

"But still will keep a bower quiet for us."

0:23:040:23:08

-Mm.

-"My friend Billy had a ten-foot willy

0:23:080:23:10

"and showed it to the girl next door. She thought it was a snake,

0:23:100:23:13

"so she hit it with a rake and now it's only six-foot-four."

0:23:130:23:16

I've got rhymes too, what of it, Brucey?

0:23:160:23:18

-Alfie, come on. Look, I just need time.

-You want time?

-Mm-hm.

0:23:180:23:21

And you're picking the ticking clock over here?

0:23:210:23:23

I'm not picking anything.

0:23:230:23:25

I'm just saying that I need some space to...to think!

0:23:250:23:28

The course of true love never did run smooth.

0:23:330:23:36

Fuck off, Orlando.

0:23:360:23:38

THEY CHEER

0:23:380:23:40

MUSIC: "Rude" by MAGIC!

0:23:400:23:43

HE BURPS

0:23:480:23:49

Right, now I'm ready.

0:23:490:23:51

Oi, Cleo, look, I just wanted to say that, right,

0:23:550:23:58

I may not have a car or 12 inches,

0:23:580:24:02

I'm probably about an eight minimum. Wait, no, can I start again?

0:24:020:24:07

If I kiss you, will you shut up?

0:24:070:24:11

For ever.

0:24:120:24:13

Fraser!

0:24:190:24:21

BOTH: Yah!

0:24:210:24:24

Ah, trusting Hobbit, prepare to taste orc and steel.

0:24:240:24:30

KNOCKING ON DOOR

0:24:300:24:32

It's a trap. Run, Alfie, run!

0:24:320:24:34

THEY LAUGH

0:24:340:24:35

I send thee to the spirit world.

0:24:350:24:39

You're, you're meant to fall down.

0:24:440:24:46

HE GROANS

0:24:460:24:47

HE GROANS

0:24:470:24:49

Hold your head back.

0:24:530:24:55

We're going to report this, Fraser!

0:24:550:24:57

Yes, you should report it,

0:24:570:24:59

that two frost blood orc warriors were slain by a sloppy Hobbit.

0:24:590:25:04

Come on, Malc, Mum's waiting to pick us up.

0:25:040:25:07

She's staying at her ex's tonight.

0:25:090:25:11

Miss Gulliver loves you, Alfie.

0:25:110:25:13

Maybe she just needs some time to realise why that is.

0:25:130:25:15

Right nut sacks, I'm off.

0:25:150:25:18

How did it go with Cleo?

0:25:180:25:19

Amazing.

0:25:190:25:21

She said I was the worst kisser she's ever had and I got a lob on.

0:25:210:25:24

-TMI.

-But if I promised not to brag about on Facebook,

0:25:240:25:26

she said she'll go Nandos with me.

0:25:260:25:28

Well done, mate, I'm happy for you. We all are.

0:25:280:25:31

Babe, we're going to miss you so much.

0:25:310:25:33

God, I hate goodbyes.

0:25:330:25:35

Joe, mate, if I ever said mean things to ya, it was just banter.

0:25:380:25:42

The best thing you can do is grow up, make loads of bunts,

0:25:420:25:45

get a proper fit bird and make me look like a Muppet.

0:25:450:25:47

Dickers, I used to think there were two types of teachers,

0:25:490:25:53

the arseholes and the tragedies.

0:25:530:25:55

You're an exception.

0:25:550:25:57

If I saw you on the street, I wouldn't shout obscenities at ya,

0:25:570:25:59

I'd go for a pint with ya, and tell you you was a twat to your face.

0:25:590:26:03

Thank you, Mitchell.

0:26:030:26:05

That's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.

0:26:050:26:08

I heard that posh people are emotionally undernourished,

0:26:080:26:11

but you are something else.

0:26:110:26:13

Rem Dogg, this could be hard seeing as you don't talk anymore,

0:26:130:26:17

and I know you've become a bit of a weirdo this term,

0:26:170:26:20

but you'll always be me best mate.

0:26:200:26:21

And when you're out of this phase, you give me a bell, we'll go to

0:26:240:26:27

Maccy D's, throw tampons at traffic wardens, just like old times.

0:26:270:26:30

Bye, guys.

0:26:380:26:40

Mitchell?

0:26:480:26:49

I love you!

0:26:520:26:53

Ha-ha, gay!

0:26:570:26:58

Oi, oi!

0:27:020:27:04

Mr Wickers, we've received some noise complaints.

0:27:060:27:08

One last prank is it, Mitchell?

0:27:080:27:11

Have I been a naughty boy, officer?

0:27:110:27:13

Are you going to punish me with your truncheon?

0:27:130:27:16

Sir?

0:27:160:27:17

Let's get this over and done with.

0:27:170:27:19

Strippers don't wear Kevlar!

0:27:210:27:23

You have the right to remain silent.

0:27:230:27:25

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