After School Clubs Bad Education

This programme contains some strong language.

I photographed this text message on Miss Gulliver's

phone so she couldn't delete it before I confronted her.

It's to some guy called Orlando.

"Can't wait for BDSM tonight. I love my bondage and my freedom."

What does BDSM even mean?

-Bondage domination and sadomasochism.

-Shut up, Mitchell!

Trust me Sir, I've watched a lot of porn.

I'm sure there's a logical explanation why she's texting

some random guy about bondage.

Why don't you just ask her?

Sit her down and have an honest conversation with her?

-Grow up, mate!

-Look it up, BDSM.

"My bondage and my freedom," I recognise that.

What the hell!

Cor, Rem Dogg, your mum's putting a lot of strain on that harness.

THEY LAUGH

Maybe she thinks I'm a prude. Have I driven her to this?

Calm down, Sir. Here's what you need to do.

Alfie, I don't remember inviting you.

So, before we plunge in, maybe the newest

member of our clandestine cabal could introduce himself.

We'll be gentle.

THEY LAUGH

Phew!

Hi, I'm Alfie.

I am into fetish play, er, light spanking and threesomes.

If another dude's involved,

then preferably Rosie would be holding my hand.

I brought a paddle and er, remember, guys,

dorm rules, it's not gay if there's no eye contact.

Well, this fortnight we read My Bondage and My Freedom,

a heart-wrenching account of slavery by Frederick Douglass.

BDSM?

Book Discussion Society, Magdalene.

I'll go.

(Oh, my God!)

THEY LAUGH

So, it turns out My Bondage and My Freedom is a book.

By Frederick Douglass! I knew I recognised it.

In the nick of time(!)

Now Miss Gulliver's staying with a friend

and I know it's that douche bag Orlando.

Listen, Sam Cam, whining like a bitch ain't going to make it better.

But revenge might. Where's Mitchell?

I'm going to mess him up.

With your spanking paddle?

Oi, everyone, listen up, I've got some news. I'm leaving Abbey Grove.

-What?

-Did UKIP set fire to your caravan?

No. Why does everyone think I'm a gypo?

I'm leaving cos my dad's fairground's been

shut down by the council.

TBH, your fair is a bit shit.

None of your dad's air rifles shoot straight.

Tell that to the cashier at HSBC.

Going to pretend I didn't hear that.

You could still come to school. Not that I give a shit.

What if Abbey Grove became a boarding school,

you could stay in a dormitory like I did at my school?

Cheers, Spanky, but I'd rather not be gangbanged by the quidditch team.

THEY LAUGH

This is bullshit! There must be a way of keeping you here.

Fraser, we need to turn the playground into a paddock.

Well, we do need dollar, dollar is what we need.

But fear not, I have a new initiative.

I'm renting out rooms after school.

The library is being used by Miss Gulliver's book group.

-Oh.

-I told her it might be double booked, but she-cracked the whip.

-"Wpssh"!

-Please stop.

-The safe word's, "Banter."

-Banter.

-Consider me gagged and bound.

A Mr Hitchell Marper is renting out the school

-hall for a retirement party.

-Right.

And I bagsied the gym for my larping crew.

-Larping?

-Live action role play.

Picture a ragtag gang of shaggers

and legends doing battle dressed as dwarfs, orcs, elves and wizards.

Legends? Shaggers?

Do you want in?

I think I'll give it a miss.

Larping came in on my bucket list just below drinking

a gallon of urine or dying of leprosy.

But I've told the lads all about you,

they're desperate to meet my best friend.

Er, best friend?

OK.

You know all that paperwork winging its way down from Tory HQ?

The 25-page document I need to complete on making the kids'

handwriting look more British?

(I will make that form and all the others disappear

(if you get your larp on.)

Why are you whispering?

(I think Gove had the room bugged.)

Sneaky!

Love in the Time of Cholera.

Sounds like our mini break in Morocco.

One mouthful of shower water, then boom! Remember?

Fondly.

Can we talk?

BELL RINGS

-I've got to read this.

-For your "book club"?

Ugh, don't do inverted commas, it IS a book club.

Why is it being held in the library?

Because I wanted to support Fraser's new scheme.

And I didn't want to have it at ours.

What, because you're ashamed of me?

Look, I don't normally care what people think about us, but I

just had to convince my ex-boyfriend I'm not going out with a gimp.

Orlando! "Ooh, look at me, I'm so vintage, I've got a pager."

-He's a doctor.

-He's a dick!

-And, anyway, Orlando isn't even...

What kind of a name is Orlando?

I mean, where was he conceived, the log flume at Disneyworld?

He was named after a book by Virginia Woolf.

-'Course he was.

-Don't be intimidated.

Um, who's afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Sorry, I can't work out if you're joking.

I am joking. Look, please, please give me a second chance.

I'll come to the book group tonight.

But you hate reading and it's in six hours,

it took you a year to finish Charlotte's Web.

Oh, you watch me, I am going to prove that I am

just as good as any of those smug, judgmental, dweeby, Oxbridge shits...

..who are your good friends.

Right, change of plan - I won't be teaching you today.

You guys can get on with these personal statements whilst

I speed-read this dumb book.

Love in the Time of Cholera, is it like Slumdog?

No, it's South American, I think.

Oh, sweet, is there a cartel?

I hope so, cos thus far this book has been about as dry as a camel's fanny.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

How are we meant to answer that?

Easy - treading the boards, crunching the numbers, on the dole,

in the clink and...

Up the duff!

No. Working as a qualified beautician.

Who may or may not be pregnant.

Don't worry, Sir, we'll be careful.

Just remember, kids, in five years' time,

when you leave university, there will nothing holding you back.

Except for a mountain of unpayable lifelong crippling debt.

So be ambitious, children! Remember, the sky's the limit.

How do you spell celebrity?

Ah, gosh!

-Oi, Stephen, can I borrow a gel pen?

-What scent, cherry or lime?

Whatever.

Oh, oh, it's a mouse!

HE LAUGHS

Somebody kill it. Somebody get it for me!

-Mitchell?

-Well, it's me last day, Sir, so I did a few pranks.

Ah, you scamp!

Calm down, Stephen.

Remember, it's more afraid of you than you are of it.

Why do you even have a mouse?

I feed 'em to my snake.

Oh, shit!

THEY LAUGH

It's a snake!

Calm down, Sir. It's more afraid of you than you are of it.

Pizza?

I like this Mitchell prank. He ordered 200 on the school account.

How far have you got?

Page five!

I'll look like an idiot tonight at the book group

and Miss Gulliver's going to end up

shagging Orlando in his...sex library.

Can I help?

I can read a chapter for you, if you like.

I wish you could, but I'd need, like,

15 yous to read the whole bloody thing.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yes, I am! Cloning!

Book pool!

Yeah, you're right, book pool is a much better idea.

Everyone in the class can read one chapter each. Gather the team!

Where are you going?

To tell the librarian to get her sweet little 70-year-old

ass down to Waterstones pronto cos Love in the Time of Cholera

has just been put on the goddamn syllabus.

What you doing tonight? It's just my leaving party.

Can you come?

I don't know, innit. Maybe.

Look, I just wondered if you fancied, no, if you had a type...

..of pizza what you go for?

Yeah. Every girl's got their type.

See, I like my pizzas well hot..

Yeah.

-..With lots of dough.

-All right.

Minimum, 12 inches.

-Oh.

-What have their own car

and don't live in a shitty caravan with their fam...fam.

I don't think Dominos do that one.

What about our personal statements?

Park those, this is way more important!

Right, Jing, you'll take chapter two. Stephen, chapter three.

Mitchell, chapter four. Chantelle, chapter five.

And Joe's going to bring it on home with the anchor leg.

Only if you help me out first.

Fine, but I won't lie in court and I refuse to handle stolen goods.

Cleo's Peng and this party's the last opportunity I'll

have to pull her, but she thinks I'm as sexy as a shit in a lift.

With a turn of phrase like that, I'm amazed she can resist you (!)

I'll help you, babe! We all will.

I've seen this a million times - boy wants girl way

out of his league, it's got Super Sweet 16 written all over it.

Stephen's right, you have to look your best tonight.

Don't take this wrong , but does your dad have a court suit?

-Yeah, used to be his lucky suit.

-What happened?

-Got found guilty.

Perfect, so he won't be needing it.

If you're going for the suit, you might as well go the whole hog.

As the toilet attendants do say, no spray, no lay.

Where am I going to find pepper spray?

What? No! Aftershave.

To stand a chance with Cleo, this party has to be fierce,

-I'm talking hot tub!

-Not going to happen.

-Strippers!

-No way!

-Vodka Luge?

-It's a school.

-Lap dancers.

-You're obsessed.

You better be there tonight, Dickers, bring the ball and chain.

And the gag and the whip, oi, oi!

HE LAUGHS

Oh, Jesus! Are you wearing anything underneath that?

Does talcum powder count?

Definitely not.

Then no, I am as naked as the day I was

arrested in Bensons for Beds trying out a double divan.

I sleep nude, I'm not going to make an ill-informed purchase.

Look, Fraser, about the larping...

The look on my friends' faces when they found out you're real.

I can't come. I really have to go to this book group.

-But Malcolm and Philip, they're expecting you.

-I'm sorry.

Ugh, very well then.

The last of Gove's initiatives.

He wants the pupils to write with quills.

Oh, all those boxes to tick and look,

a 30-page guide on how to pluck a goose.

HE SIGHS

I'll come for five minutes.

Thanks, Alf, you won't regret it.

Your bin's there.

It used to be there.

Philip, Malcolm, meet my best friend.

Salutations, Alfred! Nice costume.

THEY LAUGH

Thanks. Fraser picked it out for me.

I was busy being a fully functioning member of society.

The hobbit possesses a tongue forged of fire. You jest nimbly.

If only he'd lavished similar care on his costume.

THEY LAUGH

Indeed, Philip, a very sloppy Hobbit.

Right, I mean I am here.

I spotted the mistake as soon as he walked through yon portal.

-Pray tell, Philip.

-Tell thee I shall, fair Malcolm.

Are you two like medieval Chuckle Brothers?

The ears, Sirrah. In real life, the Halfling does not have a

pointed helix.

Did he just say "in real life"?

It's like Comic-Con all over again.

Mm.

Come brother, let us high to the mead.

They may be the biggest twats I've ever met in my entire life.

HE WHISPERS IN ELVISH

What happened at Comic-Con?

Oh, nothing much. I bought us all tickets and we went as Sylvian

elf archers and I stupidly turned up with a longbow of Lothorian.

They were well within their rights to send me home, to England.

To England? Where was Comic-Con?

San Diego.

Hark!

We must journey to the Dark Mountain

and there do battle with Lord Gorath's dragon legion.

Cool! I'm going to nip for a shit.

Poor Fraser. Abandoned at the battlefield by his only ally.

I'm coming back and when I do I'm going to make it rain, bitches!

Hobbits can't cast weather spells.

Dick!

Joe, where the hell are those summaries?

I needed to be in that book group five minutes ago.

I'm collecting them right now.

That's your dad's suit? What was he found guilty of,

crimes against fashion?

Could say that, he robbed a River Island.

I need to give these to Alfie.

Nah, doing a crate escape, mate, you got to drink your way out.

I can't let him down.

HE SIGHS

Pass me a beer.

I mean, the plot is so elegant.

Fermina marries the wrong man,

so Florentino has to wait 50 years to be with her.

Sorry, um, retarde to the bibliotheque. I bought hummus.

Well, that's better than last week's offering.

Bit uncalled for.

So, do we all have our books?

(I thought I'd take a back-seat to start with, you know,

(just get my bearings.)

Yeah, that's a good idea. Just, just take your time.

Were we all satisfied by the narrative's denouement?

Well, I thought it was beautifully bittersweet.

If there's one thing I know about Rosie,

she abhors a Hollywood ending.

SHE LAUGHS

I do!

Yeah, well she enjoyed Frozen.

Maybe you don't know Rosie as well as you think you do.

People change, mate.

Or maybe they don't, as Marquez posits.

Would you care to expand on that hypothesis?

Um, yes. Yeah. Watch me expand.

The author, old Gabriella Garcia Marquezeria.

Gabriel Garcia Marquez.

Whatever! You say potato, I say frittata.

THEY LAUGH

You know what, why don't we start at the beginning of the book

rather than the end, wouldn't that be more logical?

-Yeah, yeah, that's fine with me, yeah.

-Wise old dude's with me.

What's that old saying people have?

"Don't judge a book by its cover,

"but do judge a book by the first seven pages."

No, er, one more thing...

..why aren't more books printed in Comic Sans?

OK, I think we've covered the first seven pages of the book

pretty thoroughly.

Why don't we, we move on? Let's discuss the novel's message.

Ah, well, the text's thematic paradigm is a simple one.

Love never dies.

Unless it catches cholera, burn!

And two lovers may part, but their hearts will always beat as one.

Yeah, well, that's weird, because I read the exact opposite in the text.

I read that, you know, she made a mistake, so move on, mate.

Well isn't that completely contradictory?

Literature's subjective, Orlando, there is no right and wrong.

Yeah, thanks old friend. It's a Catch-24.

Alfie, you have read the end of the book?

Yeah. Yeah, read the end, and the beginning, and the middle.

So, what specifically did you think about the end?

Um, well, well, well, well, well, very good question.

Um, the main guy is called Fernando and it's a love story,

so do we all think that's why, on Take Me Out,

they called it the Isle of Fernandos?

-He's called Florentino.

-Shit!

Maybe we should take a comfort break.

Great idea. Someone's bladder's not up to it!

I'm going to go and er, smoke a Gauloises.

Oh, and Orlando, BT dubs, if you're going to go drop the kids

off at the pool, just remember that's your arse, that's your elbow.

Alfie, you're on fire.

Thanks, babe!

No, no, you're on fire.

What? Oh, shit!

Didn't like that scarf anyway, so...

Joe, where have you been? Have you been drinking?

Ah, just give me the chapter summaries.

Relax, Sir, have a beer.

No, I've got to get back to this book group.

-But, Sir, it's my leaving party!

-OK, one, but it's got to be quick.

HE LAUGHS

Alf? Alf? Alf, there you are.

Where's your costume?

Fraser, the book club...

Malcolm and Philip said you'd bailed on me. I didn't believe them.

-I'm not bailing, it's just...

-No, don't worry. I understand.

Malcolm and Philip got to you, I know, they're right,

you're not my friend and you think I'm a loser, too.

THEY GROAN

Calm down, mate, it's non-contact!

Yah!

Isn't this amazing?

Yeah, it's all right I suppose.

Oh, that hobgoblin you nailed think he's going to be blinded for life.

You might want to go easy on the gouging!

Whoop, whoop, it's the bellend patrol!

PHONE BEEPS

Whoa, put your phone away, it's historically inaccurate.

Last month, Phil and Malc caught me wearing a digital wristwatch.

They quite rightly punished my blooper by making me

sit in a barrel for five hours.

My doctor thinks I'm going to have back problems for life.

I'm sorry, Fraser, I've got to get back.

-But Alf, I'm outnumbered!

-I'm sorry.

HE GROANS

My notes, no peeking!

Yes, I thought the plot might prove too complex for some readers.

Complex! A child could read it.

But would a child understand it?

Hopefully.

Go and talk to Cleo.

I'm going, I'm going. I just need to be a bit more drunker.

It's not as much fun without Mr Wickers.

Hope the book club's going well.

I think I gave him some good ammo.

Marquez views love not as a sickness,

but as an ontological phenomenon.

The lovers exist within their own relationship and,

as we all know, the course of true love never did run smooth.

-Oh!

-(Wow!)

THEY CLAP

That was beautifully put.

Well, that was kind of what I was saying.

Quote time!

"The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love."

Florentino.

Thank you.

While we're on that theme, er, er,

what did we all make of Florentino's character?

Well...

I've got this one as well. Ssh!

-Well I thought the book was totes obvious.

-Really?

Er, hello! Come on, babe, a tale as old as time.

The lead character, Florentino, is definitely gay.

But he's in love with a woman.

So was Ricky Martin.

So what did you make of it?

Well, I didn't have time to read it, so I just took an educated guess.

You made it up.

He said it was set in South America,

so I just thought two plus two equals...

A massive pile coke now covered in the brains

and blood of the cartel boss, El Cajones Grandes,

who'd just been shot in the back of the head by Ross Kemp.

(Oh, you dick!)

What are you guys talking about?

The book report.

Oh, yeah, when do you have to hand them in by?

Joe already took them, babes.

What? But they were our personal statements, weren't they?

Hang on, hang on, let me get this straight - you think Fermina's

motivation was not to be reunited with her true love,

but to open a nail salon in Chigwell and save up for breast implants

and then marry her teacher.

Ye...yeah.

Right.

-Well, shall we call it a night?

-Yes.

Alfie, it's Fraser. I've cornered Philip and Malcolm in the gents.

Come and help me slay them.

Thus the trap is set.

We shall slay your deformed Hobbit right here, in the stoolery.

And what shall we do with this one?

Fetch me the barrel.

-Huh!

-Good idea.

THEY LAUGH

THEY SIGH

-Right, I'll fetch the barrel.

-Yeah, yeah, cool.

If it's any consolation, I thought your version,

with the strippers and the drug dealers sounded pretty good.

I've forced her into the arms of her ex.

Oh, er, listen, Rosie, she just needs space.

I want you to know that nothing's happened.

We don't know that, Richard.

Alfie, let's have coffee tomorrow and just talk everything through.

-Are you still OK to drive me home, Richard?

-Yeah.

Hey, Rich, make sure that snaky ex doesn't follow her home.

Er, Alfie, Richard is my ex.

What? (But he's a little old man.)

He was my lecturer at Oxford.

Yeah, we used to walk together through the woods,

reciting poetry by heart.

"A thing of beauty is a joy for ever, its loveliness increases,

"It will never pass into nothingness,

"But still will keep a bower quiet for us."

-Mm.

-"My friend Billy had a ten-foot willy

"and showed it to the girl next door. She thought it was a snake,

"so she hit it with a rake and now it's only six-foot-four."

I've got rhymes too, what of it, Brucey?

-Alfie, come on. Look, I just need time.

-You want time?

-Mm-hm.

And you're picking the ticking clock over here?

I'm not picking anything.

I'm just saying that I need some space to...to think!

The course of true love never did run smooth.

Fuck off, Orlando.

THEY CHEER

MUSIC: "Rude" by MAGIC!

HE BURPS

Right, now I'm ready.

Oi, Cleo, look, I just wanted to say that, right,

I may not have a car or 12 inches,

I'm probably about an eight minimum. Wait, no, can I start again?

If I kiss you, will you shut up?

For ever.

Fraser!

BOTH: Yah!

Ah, trusting Hobbit, prepare to taste orc and steel.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

It's a trap. Run, Alfie, run!

THEY LAUGH

I send thee to the spirit world.

You're, you're meant to fall down.

HE GROANS

HE GROANS

Hold your head back.

We're going to report this, Fraser!

Yes, you should report it,

that two frost blood orc warriors were slain by a sloppy Hobbit.

Come on, Malc, Mum's waiting to pick us up.

She's staying at her ex's tonight.

Miss Gulliver loves you, Alfie.

Maybe she just needs some time to realise why that is.

Right nut sacks, I'm off.

How did it go with Cleo?

Amazing.

She said I was the worst kisser she's ever had and I got a lob on.

-TMI.

-But if I promised not to brag about on Facebook,

she said she'll go Nandos with me.

Well done, mate, I'm happy for you. We all are.

Babe, we're going to miss you so much.

God, I hate goodbyes.

Joe, mate, if I ever said mean things to ya, it was just banter.

The best thing you can do is grow up, make loads of bunts,

get a proper fit bird and make me look like a Muppet.

Dickers, I used to think there were two types of teachers,

the arseholes and the tragedies.

You're an exception.

If I saw you on the street, I wouldn't shout obscenities at ya,

I'd go for a pint with ya, and tell you you was a twat to your face.

Thank you, Mitchell.

That's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me.

I heard that posh people are emotionally undernourished,

but you are something else.

Rem Dogg, this could be hard seeing as you don't talk anymore,

and I know you've become a bit of a weirdo this term,

but you'll always be me best mate.

And when you're out of this phase, you give me a bell, we'll go to

Maccy D's, throw tampons at traffic wardens, just like old times.

Bye, guys.

Mitchell?

I love you!

Ha-ha, gay!

Oi, oi!

Mr Wickers, we've received some noise complaints.

One last prank is it, Mitchell?

Have I been a naughty boy, officer?

Are you going to punish me with your truncheon?

Sir?

Let's get this over and done with.

Strippers don't wear Kevlar!

You have the right to remain silent.