Sports Day Bad Education


Sports Day

School-based sitcom. It is Abbey Grove's sports day and Fraser has hired the most inappropriate new sports teacher to oversee events - Preet.


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Transcript


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This programme contains adult humour.

0:00:020:00:07

So, I sacked the PE teacher again.

0:00:070:00:09

After last year's dead heat at the sports day, I told him

0:00:090:00:12

to install camera technology.

0:00:120:00:14

Sadly he misunderstood the phrase "photo finish". A line was crossed.

0:00:140:00:18

Anyhoos, this year's sports day is but upon us and...

0:00:180:00:22

No way, never going to happen, not doing it.

0:00:220:00:24

Calm down, dear, it's not you.

0:00:240:00:27

Now, don't overreact but it's time to meet Abbey Grove's new PE

0:00:270:00:30

teacher, Mr Preet van der Plessis.

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HE GULPS

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Hush, hush, moffie,

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Daddy's bought you some white chocolate from his trip to prison.

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HE SNIGGERS

0:00:490:00:51

You can't employ him, he's a psychopath!

0:01:200:01:22

Here, chummy, I hold my hand up, yah, I make mistakes but I've changed.

0:01:220:01:28

He attacked me with a riot baton.

0:01:280:01:30

That's Preet's way of saying, "I love you,"

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and I've got a couple of broken ribs to prove it.

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Plus he's very cheap.

0:01:350:01:36

There!

0:01:360:01:38

TIA. Oh, I've missed this stumpy pecker.

0:01:380:01:40

You still smoking the bars, yeah? No, I'm messing, scappy.

0:01:400:01:43

-Urgh!

-Ow!

0:01:430:01:44

Classic Preet!

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Look, Alf, yes, he may have assaulted you and, yes, that may have

0:01:460:01:50

resulted in a teeny prison stretch, but he's had extensive anger

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management, art therapy. You couldn't meet a more stable guy.

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Boo!

0:01:570:01:59

That therapy's worked a treat.

0:01:590:02:00

Yeah, I watched that movie, Mandela. I only laughed once.

0:02:000:02:03

Well, maybe.

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Oh, when he gets sentenced, his face.

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HE LAUGHS

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Priceless.

0:02:080:02:09

Look, Alfie, Preet's lost his job,

0:02:090:02:11

it turns out my gym doesn't employ anyone with a criminal record.

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Neither do schools!

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Not this school. I believe everyone deserves a second chance.

0:02:150:02:19

Who wants to celebrate with some khat?

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It's like bay leaf, only it's also an amphetamine.

0:02:210:02:24

Everyone deserves a third chance.

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Right, sports day, you know the drill.

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Sir draws our events out of a hat. That way

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the humiliation's at random.

0:02:410:02:43

OK. Andre, egg-and-spoon race. Raj, 800 metres.

0:02:430:02:47

Rem Dogg...

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..wheelbarrow race.

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Boom! Third year in a row.

0:02:520:02:55

What a convenient coincidence. Stephen...sack race.

0:02:550:02:58

I am not wearing a sack in public. Please let me customise it, sir.

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Fine, whatever. Er, Chantelle, three-legged race.

0:03:020:03:05

You know all about that, tripod.

0:03:050:03:07

Cleo.

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-I ain't doing no bait sports day.

-100-metre dash.

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What, cos I'm black you think I can sprint?

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What? No, it's all random.

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-Why don't you just make me run with a boom box or put a bargain bucket on the finishing line?

-Oh, God!

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Oh, sorry, ain't there a bobsleigh team(?)

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-You can sit this one out.

-Correct!

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I'm out, too. I'm covering sports day for the school's newspaper.

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Did you guys read my latest edition?

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It's just a bit dry, babe.

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Dry but very absorbent.

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You need to give the readers what they want - sex, scandal and Kimye.

0:03:330:03:37

You want a scandal. I heard Melanie Chubb, right,

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went to the toilet and accidentally wiped her fanny with her dress!

0:03:390:03:42

-OMG, drams give me dates!

-God help me.

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We're all in the gutter, Jing, but some of us

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are looking up the miniskirts of the stars!

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Alfie, can I have a quick word?

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Look, I just wanted to tell you something

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because I didn't want you to hear it from anyone else.

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You're sleeping with Richard, aren't you? You're in love with him, you're going to get married!

0:04:000:04:04

I just wanted to tell you that Richard's coming to sports day.

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Why? What event's he doing? The race to get his affairs in order(?)

0:04:070:04:10

St Mark's Ambulance do our first aid and Richard volunteers for them.

0:04:100:04:13

Are you sure? Maybe he just keeps being brought home in an ambulance(!)

0:04:130:04:16

He's saying your boyfriend's a scrotum-faced old buttfucker!

0:04:160:04:19

Would you please stop doing that?

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For the last time, Richard is not my boyfriend!

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That man is a coiled serpent waiting to spring.

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The little prawn prince doesn't want this cock-frocking junkie

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at sports day.

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But never fear, for I'm trained in first aid, too.

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Stand Richard down, Preet's got it covered.

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Yeah, in prison I sucked the shank out of a warden's neck.

0:04:350:04:39

Maybe let's keep Richard as Plan A.

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Hey, I thought you were sticking it to stick it in the bokkie.

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We're on a break.

0:04:500:04:51

Oh. Fuck the fuck. Uh, mongrels off the leash, eh?

0:04:510:04:55

Maybe tonight we should hit up a few Stellenbraus.

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Lock and load, go on the hunt for cooch.

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Yeah, never going to happen.

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Oh!

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Why are you wet?

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I don't fit in my locker anymore so Grayson lubed me.

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Lube helps, sir, if you're trying to squeeze into something small.

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-Yes, thank you, Chantelle, I know what lubricant is.

-I was in there

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for an hour. Thank God I keep it well stocked with snacks.

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That may be why you don't fit.

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-Grayson will keep giving you shit till you slap him down.

-Girlfriend's got a point.

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-Don't ever call me "girlfriend" again.

-Noted!

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You should use sports day to put him in his place. This is your chance to

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take Grayson down in front of the whole school. Everyone loves

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an underdog. I can picture the headlines.

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Jing's right.

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This is your perfect chance to beat Grayson at...the hurdles!

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Maybe not.

0:05:400:05:41

Kill me.

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Hash-tag light bulb.

0:05:430:05:44

That old guy that tried to attach on to Miss G is going to sports day, right?

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Why don't you challenge him? Show Miss G what she's missing.

0:05:470:05:50

That is a brilliant idea.

0:05:500:05:52

Challenge him at what? You're even slower and weaker than me.

0:05:520:05:54

Isn't it obvious? Good old-fashioned dance-off.

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I can bust a few moves out of my hip-hop locker.

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Your hip-hop moves are about this far from a race crime.

0:05:590:06:02

What you talking about?

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# I ain't saying she a gold digger

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# but I ain't messing with no bro... #

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Man of Afro-Caribbean origin.

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-What about a teacher and parent race?

-Perfect!

0:06:110:06:16

Well, I guess we'll have to hit the gym.

0:06:160:06:18

-We?

-Well, I can't do this on my own.

0:06:180:06:20

Look, guys, I know historically we've never done well at sports day but this is the last one ever.

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Wouldn't it be great, just once, to taste the sweet nectar of glory?

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You know how this plays out.

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OK, I'll buy you a Nando's.

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THEY WHOOP

0:06:350:06:37

Three, two...

0:06:370:06:39

Preet!

0:06:390:06:41

Hello, moffie. My first PE lesson.

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I'm breaking these little bokkie tots in gently.

0:06:440:06:46

-What are you playing? It, stuck in the mud?

-Hunger Games.

0:06:460:06:49

Cool! Um, look, you used to be a personal trainer, right?

0:06:510:06:55

Yeah, until the gym fired me.

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They didn't like me trying to segregate customers.

0:06:570:07:00

Actually, I'm with you on that.

0:07:000:07:01

I way prefer gyms where the men's and women's bits separate,

0:07:010:07:04

less intimidating, eh?

0:07:040:07:05

I didn't divide them by gender.

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Right.

0:07:070:07:08

Um, look, I need you to put me

0:07:080:07:11

and my class on a crash course before sports day.

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Ha!

0:07:130:07:15

But you're just a child.

0:07:150:07:16

I could smell your mother's milk on your breath.

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You're not ready to spar with Preet van der Plessis.

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I don't want to fight you, I just want some training.

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If you place yourself in my hands, I will push you to the

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limits of human endurance.

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I will take you to a world of pain that can change a man for ever.

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Put the fire of Africa in your yum-yums!

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So ask yourself one question, moffie, are you ready

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for the Preet heat?

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Yeah. Could you, er, un-cup me now?

0:07:440:07:50

Ah!

0:07:520:07:53

Body's a temple, time to sacrifice some carbs to the Bud-god.

0:07:590:08:04

Bird's got to keep that cracking little toosh in trim, eh?

0:08:040:08:07

Bit much. Protein shake, anyone?

0:08:070:08:10

What flavour?

0:08:100:08:11

Banana!

0:08:110:08:13

Hey, try mine, it's got shavings of real ivory,

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gives you purchase balls.

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No, thank you.

0:08:180:08:20

Why are you drinking a protein shake?

0:08:200:08:22

Getting ready for the parents and teachers race at sports day.

0:08:220:08:26

-Er, one question - can I do it in my fun-run fancy dress?

-OK.

-Yes!

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Anyone can enter - parents, teachers, medics, young, old, basically dead.

0:08:290:08:35

Oh! I can invite Richard. How do I get in contact with someone like him?

0:08:350:08:39

Morse code, pigeon...seance?

0:08:390:08:41

You know what, I'm sure he'll jump at the opportunity.

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Please, probably hasn't jumped since Hammer Time.

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Hey, can't touch this.

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Skeletal.

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Oh, and just so you know, Richard used to sprint for his university.

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Babe, you have no idea how quick I am over the finish line.

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Oh, I think I do.

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Alf, could you really beat Richard?

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Well, she said that he was a sprinter,

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so let's make it an endurance event.

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You got it, Wikus, I'll design it myself.

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I'll call it "the Master Race".

0:09:100:09:12

We probably won't.

0:09:120:09:14

The old gang back together, eh?

0:09:140:09:16

The boys, the lads, the lady-killers.

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Never proven. Come, moffie, I wish to make you sweat.

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Right, I've found a brown leather

0:09:270:09:29

Moby clutch on net-a-porter.com. At a push it works with the sackcloth.

0:09:290:09:32

Have you read the newspaper yet? I can't believe it!

0:09:320:09:35

Steroids. Jing, is this for real?

0:09:350:09:38

Yep, someone at the school's been taking steroids.

0:09:380:09:40

We'll be publishing exclusives all week.

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Maybe I should get some steroids.

0:09:430:09:45

Joe, you don't need steroids, Preet's training us.

0:09:450:09:47

Uh! I can't believe they let that psycho back in 'ere.

0:09:470:09:50

He's not a psycho.

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Preet's had something called "art therapy", it's really mellowed him.

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Listen up, you scrawny, pimple-necked,

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cat-wracking pieces of shit!

0:09:590:10:01

Preet?

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Sorry.

0:10:030:10:06

# Hi-de-hi, kinderbok, I'm Uncle Preet. #

0:10:060:10:09

He's scary when he's being nice.

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On your feet.

0:10:110:10:13

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Non-regulation socks.

0:10:220:10:26

So, I don't have white socks, big deal!

0:10:260:10:28

Do you know what happens when you mix whites and coloureds?

0:10:280:10:31

It ruins your wash?

0:10:310:10:33

Society crumbles!

0:10:330:10:35

-Er, this is all I had.

-You have broken the ancient code of physical education, you know the punishment!

0:10:350:10:39

Can I remind you I am a teacher?

0:10:390:10:41

Do you want me to train you or not?

0:10:410:10:43

Yes.

0:10:460:10:47

Let's dance.

0:10:470:10:49

MUSIC: Bang Bang by Jessie J, Ariana and Nicky Minaj

0:10:540:10:57

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

0:11:030:11:05

Whoa!

0:11:100:11:11

Yah!

0:11:130:11:15

Whoa!

0:11:160:11:18

Whoa!

0:11:240:11:25

Urgh! Oh!

0:11:300:11:34

I'll never beat Grayson, he hurdles for the school team.

0:11:340:11:37

Joe, you've got an Olympic record.

0:11:370:11:40

I'm the fastest under-18 to finish the Little Chef Olympic Breakfast.

0:11:400:11:43

That's part of the problem, not the solution.

0:11:430:11:46

Bullshit.

0:11:460:11:48

Joe, you have got the hunger.

0:11:480:11:50

When you see a barrier, you don't stop, you power on through.

0:11:500:11:53

Great, but aren't I supposed to be jumping over the barriers?

0:11:530:11:56

What are you doing?

0:11:560:11:58

Oh, just er, fixing up this

0:11:580:11:59

bad boy so I can teach and burn at the same time.

0:11:590:12:02

Alfie, I know you're hurting, but losing to

0:12:020:12:05

Richard in front of everyone is only going to make things worse.

0:12:050:12:08

Huh, me lose to Richard? Please.

0:12:080:12:10

Name one thing he's got that I haven't?

0:12:100:12:13

Sensitivity, maturity, charm.

0:12:130:12:16

Yeah, but I said one thing, not three.

0:12:160:12:18

And, anyway, at least I'm biodegradable.

0:12:180:12:21

Yeah, his plastic hips ain't going to be decomposing any time soon.

0:12:210:12:24

Now, if you'd kindly vamoose from the artist's studio,

0:12:240:12:29

I have got a body to sculpt.

0:12:290:12:32

Ow!

0:12:320:12:34

See you later, Michelangelo.

0:12:350:12:37

I think I've broken me coccyx.

0:12:370:12:40

If you have a thirst for the crease, you can always

0:13:020:13:05

play for my village team. I bet you can still trouble a boundary, eh, eh?

0:13:050:13:08

Have you been talking to my ex-wife?

0:13:080:13:11

Which one?

0:13:110:13:12

THEY LAUGH

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Ah, smoocher, come perch.

0:13:140:13:15

We were just chin-wagging about the pick and pock of leather on willow.

0:13:150:13:20

Sorry, I don't speak Last Of The Summer Wine.

0:13:200:13:22

We share a love of cricket.

0:13:220:13:23

Rosie informs me that my presence is requested at the adults' race.

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Yeah, Richard and you better bring your A-game, mate.

0:13:270:13:30

Absolutely, but in the words of the Greek philosopher,

0:13:300:13:33

Epictetus, it is not the winning but the taking part which counts.

0:13:330:13:36

Well, in the words of Alfie Wickers, I hope your silly little ambulance

0:13:360:13:40

has got room for both your assholes, cos I'm going to tear you a new one.

0:13:400:13:44

THEY LAUGH

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Brilliant. A new asshole, I, must remember that one for bridge club.

0:13:450:13:49

-You play bridge as well? Which discipline?

-Rubber.

0:13:490:13:52

THEY LAUGH

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Next you'll be telling me you go to Bang Bang's Massage Parlour

0:13:540:13:57

in Tring with the nice Thai ladies.

0:13:570:13:59

-No, no, I...

-Right, you, here.

0:13:590:14:01

What the hell was all that about?

0:14:010:14:03

Why are you being so friendly with Richard?

0:14:030:14:06

Richard, what's wrong with him?

0:14:060:14:07

-What, you mean other than the fact that he's trying to shag my girlfriend?

-Yes.

0:14:070:14:12

# What's that coming over the hill, is it a monster?

0:14:120:14:14

# Is it a monster? #

0:14:140:14:16

THEY LAUGH

0:14:160:14:17

Jesus Christ!

0:14:170:14:19

Great costume, chap.

0:14:190:14:20

And I like yours, too, weird, old, random bus conductor man.

0:14:200:14:24

Oh, God, sorry, I haven't introduced you.

0:14:240:14:27

-Fraser, this is my...

-A privilege to finally meet your father.

0:14:270:14:30

Rosie talks about her old man non-stop.

0:14:300:14:33

No, Fraser, this...

0:14:330:14:34

But where's Mrs Gulliver? Preet!

0:14:340:14:36

Come and meet Rosie's dad!

0:14:360:14:38

Hello there, you old fat fecker. Stukkie's a very confident lady.

0:14:380:14:42

We were a little...belt-shy, bro?

0:14:420:14:44

Er, actually, I'm not Rosie's pater.

0:14:440:14:47

This is Richard, my...friend!

0:14:470:14:52

HE SIGHS

0:14:560:14:57

Did I tell you I'm entering the mothers' sack race?

0:14:590:15:03

Oh, not this joke. Every year.

0:15:030:15:05

Got to get one of those hot mammas into the sack.

0:15:050:15:07

THEY LAUGH

0:15:070:15:09

Come, I have a surprise for you.

0:15:090:15:12

Right, Preet, when I said obstacles I meant, like, a few hurdles.

0:15:180:15:22

The most brutal obstacle course known to man.

0:15:220:15:24

And I've got a truckload of attack dogs coming, too.

0:15:240:15:27

Attack dogs?

0:15:270:15:28

And how do you plan to control a pack of attack dogs with children?

0:15:280:15:33

You've got a tranquiliser gun. Of course you do.

0:15:330:15:36

-Um, is, is that legal?

-It's a grey area.

0:15:360:15:40

Decapaccini, that cat guzzling old goat will faint just

0:15:400:15:43

looking at this.

0:15:430:15:45

Or my name's not Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit,

0:15:450:15:48

Goosenhousen, Tabactablanche, Vestavesen, Voota van der Plessis.

0:15:480:15:52

Yeah, I mean I, I wanted to test his endurance

0:15:520:15:54

but this could actually kill me.

0:15:540:15:56

As I told my cell mate the night I tattooed his back with biro ink

0:15:560:15:59

and a red hot needle, pain is temporary, glory is for ever.

0:15:590:16:03

TIA, bro. This is Africa!

0:16:030:16:06

TIT, this is Tring.

0:16:060:16:09

On your marks!

0:16:130:16:14

Go on, Chantelle!

0:16:140:16:16

-Get set!

-Right, if you help me win this I'll let you touch me tit.

0:16:160:16:19

Go!

0:16:190:16:20

On your marks, get set...

0:16:330:16:36

Go!

0:16:360:16:37

THEY CHEER

0:16:370:16:39

MUSIC: "Sexy Boy" by Air

0:16:410:16:44

Go, Stephen!

0:16:570:16:58

Shit, that boy can work it.

0:17:020:17:05

Yeah, I suspect he may be disqualified.

0:17:050:17:07

Shamazing!

0:17:110:17:12

Joe!

0:17:120:17:15

There you are, buddy.

0:17:150:17:18

-Come on, it's time for the hurdles.

-I don't want to do it.

0:17:180:17:21

I'll never beat Grayson, this was a stupid idea.

0:17:210:17:24

-But the Olympic breakfast.

-Forget the breakfast, Alfie.

0:17:240:17:28

Joe, remember what I said? When you hit a barrier, you don't stop,

0:17:280:17:31

you power on through.

0:17:310:17:33

That's how you're going to beat Grayson. That...

0:17:330:17:36

(and by making sure you run in lane three.)

0:17:360:17:38

I don't get it.

0:17:380:17:39

Just trust me.

0:17:390:17:40

Shut your eyes and run like the time you got the shits on the Cutty Sark.

0:17:400:17:44

"To Joe, good luck, Grayson."

0:17:490:17:53

Get down!

0:17:560:17:57

All right, Shrek?

0:18:050:18:08

Smile for the camera, this shit's going on Roo Tube.

0:18:080:18:11

He looks...angry.

0:18:140:18:18

On your marks, get set, go!

0:18:180:18:21

CROWD CHEER

0:18:210:18:23

I think I know who's been taking them steroids in.

0:18:320:18:35

Joe's not on steroids. I weakened his hurdles.

0:18:350:18:38

THEY CHEER

0:18:480:18:50

Joe! You can stop now!

0:18:500:18:54

He'll tire himself out.

0:18:540:18:56

Eventually.

0:18:560:18:58

Joe!

0:19:000:19:01

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:19:050:19:07

the parent-and-teacher race will commence in ten minutes.

0:19:070:19:10

Thanky-doodle-do.

0:19:100:19:11

Good luck, mate, going to need it.

0:19:110:19:13

Oh, don't be too cocky, young swain.

0:19:130:19:15

Remember I have a secret weapon, consilium.

0:19:150:19:19

What the hell is that?

0:19:190:19:20

You'll find out.

0:19:200:19:22

He said it to my face, Jing.

0:19:270:19:29

He's got a secret weapon that's going to help him win.

0:19:290:19:32

Yeah, but what's consilium?

0:19:320:19:34

Um, what does it sound like? A drug.

0:19:340:19:36

Now where's his bag?

0:19:360:19:38

I'm not sure about this, sir.

0:19:380:19:40

Your steroid story, he's the cheat!

0:19:400:19:42

It all makes sense, a medic with access to drugs.

0:19:420:19:45

That's why Rosie's so confident he's going to win,

0:19:450:19:48

she knows he's on this consilium.

0:19:480:19:50

Ah!

0:19:500:19:53

Talcum powder, Wisden, Y-fronts the colour of weak tea,

0:19:530:19:55

this is Richard's bag.

0:19:550:19:57

Sir, the steroid story's not entirely true.

0:19:570:20:00

Bingo! The roidy bastard!

0:20:000:20:03

But how? I made the story up.

0:20:030:20:06

You lied in print and you want to become a journalist. Jing.

0:20:060:20:10

Well.

0:20:100:20:12

Now you've got all the evidence you need, take him down.

0:20:120:20:15

But what about you?

0:20:150:20:17

You won't beat him if he's on steroids.

0:20:170:20:19

If you can't beat 'em...

0:20:190:20:20

Now, go, Jing, and remember, the truth and nothing but the truth.

0:20:240:20:29

Although, obviously, don't mention that I took the steroids as well.

0:20:290:20:33

Naughty moffie, caught with your hand in the Biltong jar!

0:20:460:20:52

Preet, what the hell?

0:20:520:20:53

If Pistorius taught me one thing, it's shit with the door open.

0:20:530:20:57

Right, I'm just... Oh, God.

0:20:570:21:00

Don't worry, moffie, your secret's safe with me.

0:21:000:21:03

Yeah, well, there's no secret, cos I wasn't actually doing anything.

0:21:030:21:06

Two men share a secret, it binds them together,

0:21:060:21:09

entwining them into one beating heart.

0:21:090:21:11

You going to have a wipe of that?

0:21:140:21:16

First month in prison, I hated you for what you did to me.

0:21:160:21:20

To be fair, you attacked me.

0:21:200:21:22

Every night I dreamt of turning your jib-jabs into drills.

0:21:220:21:25

A bit close.

0:21:250:21:27

But then I began my course of art therapy.

0:21:270:21:29

Would you like to see my sketches?

0:21:320:21:34

Not really.

0:21:340:21:35

Oh, look, it's me.

0:21:400:21:43

Oh, Jesus Christ!

0:21:450:21:47

Oh, you have been busy.

0:21:490:21:51

Feel free to stop at any...

0:21:510:21:54

Ooh! So much detail.

0:21:540:21:57

Oh, my God, don't know where I end and you begin.

0:21:590:22:03

Slowly I discovered there is only one thing stronger than hate.

0:22:030:22:07

Please don't say "love".

0:22:070:22:09

Tattoos.

0:22:090:22:11

Me again!

0:22:110:22:12

My cell-mate, Hilary, chewed through an entire khat bush to numb the pain.

0:22:120:22:15

Yeah, why has your cell-mate got my face tattooed onto his back?

0:22:150:22:19

OK, I've just worked that one out for myself.

0:22:190:22:24

Preet, um, I like you but I don't "like you" like you.

0:22:240:22:30

Do you know what happens when you break a lion's heart?

0:22:300:22:34

Does it go to live with a warthog and a meerkat?

0:22:340:22:38

I will devour you, moffie, as sure as my name is

0:22:390:22:42

Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig, Hoitetoit, Goosen...

0:22:420:22:45

Er, got it.

0:22:450:22:47

Alfie, it's time.

0:22:470:22:49

I'll just tiptoe out.

0:22:510:22:53

No, wait for me!

0:22:530:22:56

Moffie!

0:22:560:22:57

Good luck.

0:23:000:23:01

Carpe diem.

0:23:010:23:03

Pfft, you're going to need more than luck, mate,

0:23:030:23:05

now I've got my hands on some of your precious consilium.

0:23:050:23:09

Yeah, that's right sucker.

0:23:090:23:10

So you are a classicist?

0:23:100:23:12

What are you talking about?

0:23:120:23:14

Consilium, Latin for wisdom. My secret weapon, old boy.

0:23:140:23:17

Yeah, pull the other one, Farage.

0:23:170:23:19

I'm talking about these.

0:23:190:23:21

And don't you worry.

0:23:210:23:23

I've levelled the playing field.

0:23:230:23:24

Oh, crikey, yes, er...

0:23:240:23:26

It's all very embarrassing.

0:23:260:23:28

Yes, well, you see, at my age, er, one, one sometimes, er,

0:23:280:23:31

not always, but sometimes one, one feels the need for, er,

0:23:310:23:34

a little help in, in the, in the bedroom department.

0:23:340:23:38

What are you banging on about?

0:23:380:23:40

-HE MUMBLES:

-Viagra.

0:23:400:23:42

What?

0:23:420:23:43

-HE MUMBLES:

-Viagra.

-Viagra?!

0:23:430:23:45

Sh! Yes.

0:23:450:23:47

Wait, sorry, why would you need Viagra?

0:23:470:23:49

Well, Rosie and I are...

0:23:490:23:52

Friends!

0:23:520:23:54

Yes, but plan for success, prepare for failure.

0:23:540:23:56

Rosie and I might become friends with benefits.

0:23:560:23:59

Ugh!

0:23:590:24:00

Ugh, for using the phrase "friends with benefits".

0:24:000:24:03

Ugh, for betraying Rosie's trust and trying to shag my girlfriend,

0:24:030:24:06

you...shit.

0:24:060:24:08

Come on, Richard, you can do it!

0:24:080:24:12

Shut up, Dad!

0:24:120:24:14

Wait, how long do those things take to kick in?

0:24:140:24:16

Well, it depends how many you took.

0:24:160:24:18

Round it down to about five.

0:24:180:24:20

Yeah, you've got er, six, maybe seven minutes before things

0:24:200:24:23

start bursting through your shorts like the Kraken.

0:24:230:24:26

Shit!

0:24:260:24:27

Preet, start the race!

0:24:270:24:29

I have got to give a quick health and safety check.

0:24:290:24:31

-Preet, start the race!

-I love it when you're brusque with me, moffie.

0:24:310:24:35

Mr Wickers ain't moved that fast since he found me

0:24:400:24:43

lying on his desk wearing nothing but a sushi platter.

0:24:430:24:45

Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts.

0:24:450:24:48

Granny in a thong.

0:24:500:24:52

Adrian Chiles' banter.

0:24:540:24:56

Eric Pickles on the shitter.

0:25:000:25:01

Ian Beale crying.

0:25:050:25:08

Come on, Alfie!

0:25:140:25:16

Please not on the monkey bars.

0:25:160:25:19

God, no, not on the monkey bars.

0:25:190:25:21

Come on, Richard!

0:25:280:25:30

Feel blood heading south.

0:25:320:25:35

Come on, Alfie!

0:25:360:25:38

What's he doing?

0:25:410:25:42

Maybe you've got to commando crawl the last bit.

0:25:450:25:48

Is he wearing a little plough?

0:25:480:25:51

I can't watch, Richard's going to catch him.

0:25:540:25:56

Oh, no, you don't, old goat.

0:25:580:26:00

Moffie shall go to the ball.

0:26:000:26:03

Steady.

0:26:090:26:11

He's got a gun, get down!

0:26:110:26:12

Ooh!

0:26:120:26:14

Oh!

0:26:160:26:19

He's not breathing. I'll have to give him mouth-to-mouth.

0:26:240:26:27

Oh!

0:26:270:26:29

I can't feel my legs.

0:26:330:26:35

Uh!

0:26:350:26:37

Teach me everything you know.

0:26:370:26:40

Alfie, why have you...?

0:26:400:26:42

Before everyone thinks I'm a massive weirdo.

0:26:420:26:45

A bit late for that, bro.

0:26:450:26:46

I cheated, OK? Or at least I tried to cheat.

0:26:460:26:49

I thought Richard was on steroids cos I found these blue

0:26:490:26:52

pills in his bag but they weren't steroids, they were Viagra.

0:26:520:26:55

Don't stress.

0:26:550:26:56

Viagra? Why, why does Richard have...?

0:26:560:26:59

Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, it's not what you...

0:26:590:27:01

I would hate for you to presume that er, that, but, but, but...

0:27:010:27:05

but, well, plan to succeed.

0:27:050:27:07

Rosie, I did...

0:27:100:27:11

If you say, "I told you so," you'll get one of those as well.

0:27:110:27:14

-Excuse me, please.

-Rosie, no, no, no, Rosie, wait, please.

0:27:140:27:18

Yeah, I win!

0:27:180:27:19

Do you, though? Really?

0:27:190:27:21

Could someone maybe cover that up?

0:27:210:27:24

Moffie, I'll write!

0:27:240:27:27

I won't reply!

0:27:270:27:28

Ugh, yeah, ugh!

0:27:280:27:31

Suppose we better get a new PE teacher, then.

0:27:310:27:33

Good news, sir, I got the photo finish of the race, you won!

0:27:410:27:45

Yes! I rule!

0:27:450:27:48

You won by a head.

0:27:480:27:50

It's the most popular edition in the school's history.

0:27:500:27:53

You saved the paper, sir! Everyone's reading it.

0:27:530:27:56

Oh, great(!)

0:27:560:27:58

It's Abbey Grove's sports day and Fraser has hired the most inappropriate new sports teacher to oversee events - Preet. Alfie sees this as the perfect opportunity to challenge Miss Gulliver's ex-boyfriend to an endurance event, which Preet offers to design. But with a steroid scandal rocking the school and Alfie desperate to win by any means possible, will he make it over the finish line with his dignity intact?


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