Fundraising Bad Education

This programme contains some strong language

-Hands at ten to two.

-Leave it, Dad, I've got it nailed.

Talking of "nailing" things, don't hurry back from work tonight.

Hurry home to you in your pants, eating a Fray Bentos pie?

Yeah, I'll try not to.

Good, because I am liaising with a bit of skirt,

a portion of crumpet trumpet, p-p-probably going to hump it.

Please don't rap. And are you sure that's wise, you dating?

Aren't two car crash marriages enough?

Player's got to play.

No, player's got to retire,

get his coaching badges or try his hand at punditry.

Go out with dignity, Dad. Be G Nev, not Rio.

Well, tonight, if the bed's a rocking then don't come a knocking

cos I've p-p-probably got my cock in... The caretaker!

You're shagging the caretaker?

Ooh!

Oh, you meant the caretaker was in the road.

Thank you.

Oi, where you been, man?

We've been stood here since 7.30

and it ain't my fault the caretaker's crocked.

Chugger bibs are not cooshy.

I'm sorry, I got held up.

The caretaker lives on the other side of Tring.

You're still going to his flat every morning?

Chantelle, I have disabled that man for life - it is only fair that

I help him with the things he can no longer do for himself.

Did you break his wanking hand?

Ha-ha. No, I did not, Cleopatra!

I just do the boring domestic chores - cooking, cleaning...

back rubs.

-I thought he'd broken his back.

-No, Joe,

his wife gets the back rubs.

OK, run me past that again.

It's very simple. Because of what I did to poor Pod,

he can no longer give his wife her nightly rubdowns.

It's only fair that I step into the breach.

Pod just, you know...

watches.

Again, this is probably just me being slow,

but he's watching you massage his wife?

It's the least I could do.

I don't believe it! Richard!

Rosie? What are you doing in Richard's toy ambulance?

Have you taken him back?

Richard drove to my mother's house last night.

Oh, you've moved in with your mum. Who knew?

Not me.

I told him he didn't have a future with me.

To be fair, he doesn't have long without you.

So, did you steal his Noddy car out of revenge?

Richard had been drinking very heavily

and he was saying these things, not all of them nice.

Mostly about you.

He's probably intimidated by me.

No, it wasn't that. He called you a pathetic little stalker.

Stalker, me? Please!

Anyway, I made him walk home and now he's going to have to collect this after work.

Why don't you get him to pick it up now?

The sooner the better. Call him.

-No, no, I'll call him later.

-No, do it now.

No. Alfie, give that back.

We need him out of our lives, for good.

RINGING TONE

OPERATIC RINGTONE PLAYS

Oh, he's left the phone in there.

Which reminds me, you left your flask in my mother's garden.

There's literally a million, billion reasons that that could be there,

but if you want I could come pick it up tonight.

This doesn't make me a stalker.

Mm-hmm.

ALARM BEEPS

Wow! We've made over a grand.

Finally, Pod is going to be able to go to Las Vegas for

that life-changing surgery.

Don't people usually go to Florida for that, not Vegas?

Er, Jing, hookers and croupiers need doctors too.

-You don't think he's milking it a little bit?

-Milking it?

-Mm.

-That man is paralysed from the waist down.

None of you have any idea... REM DOGG CLEARS THROAT

Most of you don't have any idea how difficult that must be.

I've ruined the guy's life.

How do you sleep at night?

Oh, yeah, I remember, in a bush in Miss Gulliver's garden.

I'm not stalking her.

It is a vigil for a love that is on life support,

so stop trolling and hashtag pray for Golfie.

Sir, you can lay your head in my bush any night you like.

Even for you, I mean...

-Don't you think you're being a bit paranoid?

-Paranoid?

Joe, Richard is round there every night and now she's driving his car.

It's all just too convenient.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello, Smooch. Gang. I've a reward for all your charitable endeavours.

All right, Dickers, what's the cash for? Kick start for your fanny tuck?

Curtains for his curtains?

Er, no, and that doesn't even work, anyway,

because I'm 100% red-blooded bloke, mate.

Though you did go through a phase.

You couldn't tell Alfie what to wear - skirts, dresses, padded bras.

For a week we had to call him Angelina.

-The final piece of the puzzle.

-Do you ever wish that dads could die in childbirth?

Listen, Smooch, Frank's been held back five years.

No-one else wants him in their class.

No way! There must be another solution.

Either Frank joins Form K or he gets permanently excluded.

There we are, knew you'd crack it.

Take that to Fraser on your way out.

What if your teachers had abandoned little Angelina

just because she wouldn't conform to their rules?

Right, if I take Frank, will you never mention Angelina ever again?

Deal!

No!

Nice one, Ange.

My girlfriend has bought me this smartphone.

She's dragging me kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

If you know what I mean.

She does the screaming, I...

No-one's kicking anyone.

Has anyone seen a brass pole about yay high, heavily lubricated?

Fraser, no-one will think any less of you

if you walk out of this room and start over.

Oh, I've taken up pole dancing.

-Right, well, you had your chance.

-This is exactly the kind of problem that

sportspeople in the pole dancing community face every day.

That and the groping.

Pole dancing is not a sport.

Would you say that to a pole vaulter?

No. For obvious reasons.

Er, what is seedy about poling your butt fabulous?

Do you really want us to answer that?

Six weeks at pole club

and I can pick up a briefcase without using my hands.

Ooh, can I suggest, first rule of pole club,

never talk about pole club or your fabulous ass ever again.

Martin, did you expel Frank Grayson like I told you to?

What? You had the chance to get rid of Frank Grayson

and you dumped him on me?

Dad?

Er, his mother was very keen that we keep him here.

Uh, I'm sorry, that boy is beyond hope.

Look, if no-one else can handle him, Richard's worked with an outreach

programme, mentoring troubled kids. He could help with Frank.

I'd never give up on Frank - he's like a son to me.

And sorry, what's all this Richard bullshit?

-You're still in love with him!

-Oh, not this again.

Domestic! Come on, Martin, let's bust a nut.

Going to go and do some hands-free marking. Tick!

Come on, tell me the truth.

I demand to see your text messages.

Look, promise you there's nothing going on between me and Richard.

I was just saying that, for all his faults,

kids do seem to relate to him.

Please!

Who's more likely to reach out to Frank -

one of the Wonga puppets or a funky, edgy young brother,

who knows all about life on the mother-loving streets?

And who would that be?

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!

'Sup, bitches and G's?

Let's seckle for a parlay.

Oh, my God, what's happening?

Frank, when I was your age...

Well, I mean, actually we're probably a similar age.

When we were the same age, I used to run with a crew.

Shee, them some crazy ass homes.

Something tells me Atticus Hoy is involved.

For real! Me and Hoysie, we once done a burglary together.

What was you stealing - turds?

Nah! Apples.

Scrumping was a risky biz back in the day, once got

cornered by a farmer packing heat. Yeah, horse chestnut branch yay big.

We legged it, but then got cornered by the pigs.

You got arrested?

Nah, actual pigs.

They charged us in their sty, we got covered in mud!

Me and Atticus had to strip off and wash each other down in the stream.

Shee!

This is worse than the time you rubbed noses with my father.

Oi, Biggy, can you shoot Pac?

Frank, life is like a game of chess.

But the game is bullshit, yeah?

So why are we so blind to see that the ones we hurt are you and me?

LAUGHTER

Cheers, Coolio. That was relatively entertaining.

I'm going to go and torch the library.

No, Frank, please!

I promised Miss Gulliver that I would reform you,

so could you just not be a dick for, like, six hours?

What was I thinking?

I can't set fire to the library!

I left my lighter in that car I jacked.

You can enter a locked car, take something from it -

like, say, a mobile phone -

and then lock it back up again so that no-one knows you've been there?

Does your dad stink of shit?

Here's a little curveball. How about we use your powers for good?

Alfie, please tell me you don't want Frank to break into a car.

Obviously not, Joe.

I want him to break into an ambulance.

You're breaking the law, sir.

It's a crime of passion, Chantelle.

Love does not answer to petty laws, rules and regulations.

I knew you'd see the light.

No. No physical contact! Remember, don't break the six-inch rule.

Oh, I won't, sir, you look like an eight or a nine.

-Bingo!

-Yes!

Quick rummage round, then I'll pop you back on the straight and narrow.

This car smells of grandads!

Come on! Ah.

Alfie, you can't go through someone's private messages.

Er, freedom of information. We deserve to know the truth, Joe.

This is WickersLeaks - information belongs to everyone.

Damn! No texts.

Off you go, then. I'm going to take her out for a quick spin.

What? No! You're on the road to redemption, remember.

ENGINE STARTS

ENGINE REVS

Er, sir!

Don't worry, I've got this covered.

There!

Six children are locked into this vehicle,

none of them are wearing seat belts.

What's your point?

Ah, come on, Frank!

You're a tyke, a cheeky chappy,

but there is no way that you would actually put our lives at risk.

Checkmate, my friend. Check-bloody-mate.

Stop right now! Argh!

Oh, Frank, please!

You know the only thing that could possibly make this day any better?

-ALL: Pub!

-McDonald's.

I meant the pub.

No, Frank, take us back.

Oh, just shut up and put this on, in case we get pulled over,

you dipshit.

Sir, why don't you text Miss Gulliver pretending to be Richard?

One immediate problem with that plan, Stephen -

what if my natural wit and charm make her fall in love with him?

-I really wouldn't worry about that.

-I guess you're right, Jing.

If I try really hard, I can probably transform myself into a desperate, repulsive little man.

And as if by magic...

Keep it simple, sir. Start with a straightforward question.

Mm. Did you have a nice time last night?

PHONE CHIMES

"Did you have a nice time last night?" Mm.

PHONE CHIMES OPERATICALLY "It was smashing."

-How many kisses?

-Four.

-Ooh!

-And it's all in capitals.

That's not good.

Maybe she was being sarcastic - it's hard to tell by text.

Make her show her hand.

Try something subtle like,

"Apologies for the state of my balls."

Hardly subtle, Cleo. Hmm. No, I've got it.

PHONE CHIMES

"Last night I feel like we really connected."

Play it cool, Martin, you silver-tongued devil.

"The rumpy-pumpy was tiptop.

"Fancy playing another hand of jiggery-pokery tonight?"

Oh, my God, she lied to me.

I'm so sorry, Alfie.

Maybe we should stop off somewhere and get you a glass of water.

Or a McFlurry.

Why don't you text back some really messed-up shit, sir?

Yeah, I can put Rosie off by texting her all the disgusting things

Richard wants to do in the bedroom.

Sounds like they've already done most of them.

Trust me, Rosie was nearly physically sick when...

another boyfriend asked her to do this.

PHONE CHIMES

Oh, God in heaven! With a squash ball!

Well, where would you...? Oh, that sounds good!

"Tonight, I'm going to ride your hot derriere all the way down to Pound Town."

Mate, your missus is dirt!

She's not my missus any more. I can't believe this!

Come on, let's go.

Pub?

ALL: Pub.

In for a penny.

Thank God you made it.

Quick, I saw him collapse - he can't breathe.

No, no. (Drive! Drive!)

God, that was quick. We only called you five minutes ago.

-Come on!

-Um, the thing is, it's just that we...

He's dying! Please help, please!

OK, right. Er, coming, yep, yep.

I can do this. Stay here.

Alfie. Alfie! Alfie!

This is too good to miss!

THEY EXCLAIM

Coming through! Definitely a paramedic.

Oh, shit, he doesn't look good.

Well, what's wrong with him?

Maybe it's a practical joke. Is he much of a joker?

Never met him before. He just collapsed.

Do something!

Think he's trying to say something.

-Pen.

-Er, Ben? Your name is Ben?

Pen! Pen!

Hello, Ben, I'm Alfie.

We need to get you into the recovery position.

-Pen!

-Yeah, I got that.

I think he's actually saying "pen".

Pen? That's a weird name.

Better do something, mate - he can't breathe.

A pen.

Pen! Yes, of course.

H-He's choking - there's something blocking his windpipe.

-He can't breathe.

-So?

I need to perform an emergency tracheotomy, er,

use a biro to create an airway.

Really? Are you sure about that?

Yes, 100%, I saw it on Grey's Anatomy, or Animal Hospital.

Either way, the llama survived. I-I need a pen.

Quickly. Yeah, OK. Right.

It's very simple - you just take out the inky bit,

find the Adam's apple... Just, just restrain him for me.

Oh, I can't watch.

OK. Ben, stay very calm. This may sting a little bit.

Three, two...

Sir?

SQUELCH, GULP

Do you, er, think he meant his EpiPen?

I found it in his bag.

Ooh! Bad thing.

Oh, God, we're going to be in so much trouble.

Do you know what I do in times of great stress?

If you say McDonald's, I may hit you.

OMG, is that...?

The caretaker! What the hell?

But he's paralysed.

Where's his wheelchair?

I knew it!

Well, the important thing is that everyone's OK.

If you've got any questions about the procedure, er,

feel free to give me a call.

I'll, er, write down my number. Has anyone got a pe...

Inappropriate.

SIREN APPROACHES

Oh, that will be the back-up ambulance that they send

just in case.

We should probably go fill them in.

Keep moving. Keep moving.

Right, come on, let's get out of here.

Sir, you're never going to believe who we just saw -

only your little friend Pod!

And he wasn't in his wheelchair.

Don't be ridiculous.

They're telling the truth. You've been fooled!

Er, sir, we might want to get moving.

Right, come on, let's go. Back to school.

But first, we've got to clean this thing up.

No-one can know that we did this.

Don't worry.

There's a tried and tested industry secret for that.

This isn't quite what I had in mind.

Anyone got a light?

Right, after this, it's straight back to school.

I've got a liar to expose.

Pod!

No, Miss Gulliver.

Come on, Jing. Like you've never torched an ambulance before.

Right, think we're done here.

Let's go find a bus stop.

BELL RINGS

..my worst nightmare.

Alfie, have you seen...

No, haven't seen it all day - where did you leave it parked?

-..Martin?

-He needs the key to the cashbox.

Oh, shit, sorry. Yeah, OK, I'll give it to him.

That's a promise. You, you do know what promises are, right?

Wait - how did you know that Richard's ambulance is missing?

You have no right to question me.

No, seriously, how did you know?

Um, well, er...

-There was a bear.

-Oh, that ambulance.

-We torched it.

Well, I'm sure it'll turn up.

Anyway, Pod is inbound and the Watford Guardian are coming down,

so I better go and lay out some coffee and bisc-uars.

Oh, he likes his coffee milky and a little custard cream on the side.

You may have to dunk it a few times

cos he finds chewing quite painful on his back.

How are you finding your new class, Frank?

Did you have a good day with Mr Wickers?

Mr Wickers has literally saved my life.

Is that a tiny exaggeration?

I was trapped in a self-destructive cycle until

Mr Wickers, well, he, he showed me the light.

Yeah, I've redeemed young Francis,

much like Christ redeemed the wayward...pirates of Bethlehem.

So, so much for Richard's bullshit.

All I needed to change my ways is my new best mate, Alfie.

Oh, wow!

OK.

They can't give that money to a fraud. We need to say something.

He's not a fraud!

And anyway, what are you going to say - that we saw a paralysed man

walking around whilst we were joyriding a stolen ambulance?

-But sir!

-Just drop it! I need to find my dad.

Come on!

Dad? Dad?

Hey. I've got you the key for that moneybox.

Sorry dude, couldn't hear ya. Radio 4.

Getting my Toksvig on.

Good news, Smoocher.

You kept the receipts to this ridiculous outfit?

You're talking about this, old friend?

We can start with that.

100% real pleather.

All the advantages of leather, plus it folds up into this handy pouch.

Pretty snazzy, eh?

Wow!

I presume we have your new girlfriend to blame for this abomination.

Whoa! Do not use the G word. We're just cuddle buddies.

Hump chums, no strings.

Well, one string with beads attached.

-It's actually rather more comfortable than it looks.

-Stop!

I'm just sowing my wild oats.

Your wild oats turned to porridge in 1978.

And we've been sexting. The saucy wench took my digital cherry.

I want you to meet her tonight.

After what you just said? No way.

Well, I can't move in with her until I've got your stamp of approval,

so it looks like I'm bunking at yours.

Actually, changed my mind. She sounds great.

The sexting, the beads, I think she's the one.

-Dinner at eight, then.

-Oh.

Ooh, there's one thing I forgot to tell you about

my new portion of heiny.

Where the hell is that key? Oh, my God. Grayson!

Sorry, Dad.

Frank! You lied to me. You haven't changed.

That hug meant nothing.

Ah, don't cry about it, Downton.

Right, if you don't give me that cashbox right now I'm going to...

You'll what? You touch me and I'll tell everyone you're a paedo.

Oh, Frank, you've been held back so many years I doubt you're even underage. Now, give me that cashbox.

What the hell is going on?

I'm sorry, I don't know what's keeping them.

I can't believe that you did this.

No, Alfie, you mustn't blame yourself.

You couldn't reform Frank, you're out of your depth.

Whoa! Sorry, you think Frank was trying to steal this money?

After all those things he said about me basically being Jesus.

He lied to you, Alfie, he lied to everyone.

There's only one liar in this room, and it's not Frank.

Well, then why was the door crowbarred open?

Because he was so bloody desperate to give that money to poor old Pod.

Alfie, lying on Frank's behalf can make you an accomplice.

Oh, so what, you think I'm just going to sell my pal Frank down the river?

Haven't you heard of honour amongst...non-thieves?

I would have to be the most disloyal, cowardly, treacherous...

-You could go to prison.

-Frank did it.

You're dead, you rat!

Martin?

Oh, the reception's a bit patchy in here.

So you're going to hold it half a foot closer to the satellite?

Oh, you're right, I'm being stupid.

OK, well, you stay here and look after Frank.

We're going to have to deal with this after the presentation, which we're late for.

I just hope Fraser's entertaining them.

MUSIC: Black Velvet by Alannah Myles

Sorry we're late.

Shall we get started?

Did somebody die?

You could say that.

OK. So, we're gathered here today to honour a very special man - Pod.

Thanks to the money that we, as a school, have raised,

Pod is going to be able to travel to Las Vegas

Stop! You can't go on with this.

Right, this isn't Runaway Bride.

Pod's a fraud.

We've been over this, Stephen. He's not a fraud.

We saw him walking near the shopping centre this afternoon. On my life.

But that's on the other side of town - why were you there?

Um... You know the way they found Richard III in a car park?

Well, I had seen a speed bump that looked incredibly like Henry VIII.

-We stole an ambulance and went for a joyride.

-GASPS

Thanks, Joe.

You what? Alfie, you lied to me.

Yeah, well, you're hardly one to talk.

Why do you keep saying that?

Er, sort your drams out later. I wore a chugger bib for this monster.

You hold your tongue, Stephen!

For the hundredth time,

because of me Pod is paralysed from the waist down.

And for the millionth time, no, he's not! He's a fake!

Oh, he's faking it, is he, Jing?

Well, how come, if he's faking it, when I do this,

he doesn't feel a thing?

I'll tell you why - because he is paralysed.

-He winced!

-He didn't wince.

Yes, he did. You lying little bitch!

How dare you call Pod a bitch?!

Ah, for God's sake!

Argh!

Stop it! Stop it!

GASPS

Pod! How could you?

Where there's blame, there's a claim?

I wiped your bottom!

That's the puppy. Send!

DOOR OPENS

Can't believe that you would steal Richard's ambulance!

Yeah, well, at least I didn't lie about it. Much.

What's your problem?

My problem is that you have been texting Richard all day.

What are you talking about?

"I'm going to ride your hot derriere all the way to Pound Town."

Oh, God!

Ring any bells? You're shagging Richard.

I know it, you know it, so don't embarrass yourself.

OPERATIC RINGTONE

That sounds like Richard's phone.

Er, no, it's not. I love opera music.

That's Paul Potts singing the Pink Flute,

by...Mario Balotelli.

Let me see that phone.

Fine! Yeah, you can, then everyone'll know the truth.

Read it and weep.

Oh, please don't!

Oh, God! The ivory trade sickens me.

Look, they've hacked off half its trunk. It's disgusting.

That's not an elephant.

Oh, God, Frank, don't look.

I recognise those from somewhere.

Boarding school?

Oh, my God! Oh, it's a rank old...

Is it that bad? I thought it was rather distinguished.

You can't deny that's not your number. We've been texting all day.

Yes, it's my number, but I lost my phone this morning.

Then who's the pervert that's been sending me

these disgusting text messages?

Just call the number, you spanner.

CLASSICAL RINGTONE

Oh, for fu...

Dad! Pound Town? Really?

You've been sexting your own dad.

I'm sorry, Rosie.

Mm.

Great news, gang. When I threatened to call the police,

Pod tried to leg it, straight into oncoming traffic.

Looks like he will need that wheelchair after all.

Oh, sweet, it's one of those bald cats from Japan.

About those sexts...

Just don't.

Listen, er,

there's something I forgot to mention before they arrive.

They?

-The thing is...

-Hiya, handsome.

Ooh, Catherine. Hello.

Wait - don't I know you?

Well, course you do. My boy goes to your school.

Catherine...?

Grayson!

Meet your new stepbrother.

Oh, my God!

And good news - I managed to wrap my lips round a few

high-ranking proverbials and Frank's not being expelled.

The school run's going to be so much fun.

HE PURRS

Checkmate, mother f...