Football Badults

# Always fooling around when we were young

# Time flies fast when you're having fun

# Don't want to get old, never want to grow...

# Up. #

This programme contains some strong language.

HE SINGS: # Today I'm watching football

# The football's starting soon

# I'm watching it with my mates

# Ben, get out your room

# Today, I'm only talking in football chants

# The only problem is

# I'm not very good at rhyming things... #

Tom, you've been doing this since breakfast.

HE CHANTS: # He wears a frown

# and a dressing gown

# Cheer up, Ben!

# Cheer up, Ben! #

You're giving me a headache.

HE CONTINUES CHANTING: # I'm so sorry, it's unbelievable

# Do you want a Paracetamol? #

Stop talking in football chants.

Come on, mate. You've got to be a bit excited.

It's the big game.

Who's playing?

We are!

I thought we were just watching. I'd better warm up.

No...

England!

England are playing,

hence the flags, the posters and this...

my buffet themed around England footballing greats.

That's a block of Peter Stilton.

Terry Vegetables,

a plate of David Beck-ham sandwiches

and when you can't eat any Bobby Moore,

you throw it all in the Gary Binnicker.

I've also got this owl that looks just like Roy Hodgeson.

All owls look like Roy Hodgeson.

Yeah, that's true.

Ah. You can't beat a bit of footy.

It's pretty much my favourite sport,

since we banned cock fighting.

Three, two, one, go.

Hey!

House rule. This isn't allowed, any more.

He's just upset cos he went out in the first round.

Right. We're almost ready for kick-off.

All we need now is for Matthew to get here.

I came as quick as I could!

Matthew! Matthew.

Calm down. There's no fire!

But you called me out of work. I had to rush out of an important meeting.

It's the big match.

You're always doing this.

I came as quick as I could.

I can't believe the flat's been burgled!

Thank God you're here. You're bass baritone.

THEY SING "Frere Jacques" in canon

# Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques dormez-vous...

# Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques dormez-vous...

# Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques dormez-vous... #

I came as quick as I could.

I can't believe there's a wolf in the flat.

Oh, I get it. There's no wolf, is there?

I can't believe I fell for it.

Do you know, if you keep on making up stories, then people...

ANIMAL GROWLS

MATTHEW SCREAMS

Well, I'm not sure what the moral of this story is.

I suppose it is an important game.

You're absolutely correct, Matthew. Ha, ha, you see?

Finally, you're starting to love football.

Because if I win 30 more points,

I go to the top of the Fantasy Football League.

Like football, love stats.

Isn't the World Cup fun?

Fun?

You arsehole.

It's not fun.

Every World Cup's the same.

You think, this time, it's going to be different.

This time...

we're going to win.

Then you actually start to believe it.

And then you don't win.

And you're devastated.

And the worst thing about it is

you never learn your lesson.

It's true.

But that's all right, because this year, we ARE going to win.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Now, last time England won a game,

we were all watching it together.

Call me superstitious...

That is not what I want to call you.

But if we're going to win today,

we need to follow the ritual.

Yes! I get to kill another goat.

No, Ben. The ritual of the last time we watched the game.

I had you on my right.

You were on my left.

I was wearing this.

Weyhey!

And my lucky pants.

Wo-hoah.

There. Everything's the same.

Wig, pants, Matthew, Ben.

-Yes!

-Tom...

you know, I can't stay for the game.

It's my Nana's 90th birthday party today!

Oh, she didn't invite us!

Not after the way you behaved last year.

What?

I bought her a lovely pack of nappies.

And I spent hours playing that game with her...

-Spin the Bottle.

-I'm off.

I should go, too. Carabine'll kill me if he finds out

I've bunked off work early to watch the game.

He made his feelings about the subject very clear.

Now, some of you may think that,

just because Scotland have failed to qualify

for this particular World Cup,

it will prevent my enjoyment of this feast of football

at a time of great camaraderie and friendship.

And you would be correct.

Any mention of football, pitches,

grass, balls, shin pads,

studs, fantasy football leagues,

anything to do at all with the World Cup, or as I call it

The Carnival of Arseholes,

you'll be fired immediately.

As you were.

I'm going to have to take my Fantasy Football League...

underground.

The first rule of Fantasy Football League

is you do not talk about Fantasy Football League.

The second rule of Fantasy Football League

is no more than three players from any one country.

We have to be very, very strict about this, guys.

You both have to stay. We have to watch the game together.

Sorry, mate. I've got to get to my nana's house.

I tell you what, Ben.

Before you get off to Nana's, how about you have a beer?

I suppose it's five o'clock somewhere.

Yeah, it's five o'clock here, Ben.

I can only have the one, though.

Nana will be heartbroken if I miss...

Did he just bore himself to sleep?

Not quite.

I stuck a load of sleeping tablets in his beer.

He's not going anywhere.

So, you spiked him?

I prefer the phrase

"drug-encouraged rest".

I don't know why, it sounds much worse.

But it'll all be worth it when we win.

I mean, yes, they've got a better manager than us

and yes, they're better looking than us

and yes, they're better at football than us,

but we're definitely going to beat them.

Do you know why?

Bulldog spirit and superstition.

And I am definitely going to win my Fantasy Football League.

Do you know why?

Ball recovery percentages.

How can you find Fantasy Football League

more interesting than the real thing?

You get to name your own team.

That's why I am the proud manager of Matthew's Team.

I ran out of time.

Plus, if you win the national league,

you get five grand.

Five grand?

God, that's nearly six grand.

It's kicking off.

Oh, right. Wig, pants, Matthew, Ben.

Come on, England. Come on, England. Come on, England.

What just happened?

The TV broke.

No, no, no, no.

But it's kicked off.

It will have kicked off. Matthew, quick. Fix the telly.

I can't fix the telly. Ben knows how to fix the telly.

Ben, fix the telly.

Oh, come on, mate. Snap out of it. Snap out of it!

TOM SLAPS BEN

Tom, get a grip on yourself.

You're right.

TOM PUNCHES BEN

You know, I've not seen you this upset

about a football match since we were kids.

The hand of God incident.

MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Luciano Pavarotti

The TV repair man will be round in an hour and a half.

But that's 90 minutes! We're going to miss the whole game!

Don't worry. I'll put the radio on.

This isn't the fucking 1950s, Matthew.

We're just going to have to watch it on your laptop.

Nooooo!!!

Whoa!

I'll find a live stream.

So, that's what you're into, is it?

I made a spelling mistake in the browser.

I was looking for a picture of a canal.

There. We're up and running.

Ah. There you go. We've got the ball.

Hang on a minute. It's buffering.

It's buffering.

It's buffering.

It's not buffered.

Oh. Why don't our neighbours pay for a faster internet connection?

Hang on a minute.

I've got a mate who lives across the way

who owns an absolutely massive telly.

We'll just watch it on his.

-Perfect.

-YES!

This isn't exactly what I had in mind. You sure he's your mate?

Well...mate, guy I saw having a massive telly delivered...

same difference.

Hey, it's lucky you had these.

Yeah, well, you know, I like to come here at night and look at comets.

Just there on the High Street, next to TK Maxx.

And we're definitely going to win. Wig, pants, Matthew, Ben. Yes!

I'm a bit worried about Ben. You're sure he's going to be OK?

Oh, don't worry. He's not going to wake up.

I gave him well over the stated dose.

Just keep a close eye on him.

Someone keeps getting in the way of the screen.

It's a woman. I think she's getting changed.

She's taking her top off.

Do you think she's still there?

Let's check.

She's naked!

Do you think she saw us?

Let's check.

Oh, no. She didn't see us.

Now, she's seen us. We should get out of here.

-Just one more check.

-No.

Right, I've got it.

We'll watch the game down the pub.

The Tattooed Arms? No.

It's way too aggressive.

No, it isn't.

The landlord's called Aggressive Gary.

Ben, wake up. We're going down the pub.

God, that's the first time that hasn't worked.

-We'll have to leave him here.

-No, no, Matthew. You know the rules.

I think so. There has to be a defender between the attacker

and the goal line when the ball gets played.

No, no, no. The ritual.

All three of us have to watch the game together.

Brilliant. It's still 0-0.

Did we have to come here? It's a bit rough.

Oh, it's not that bad. GLASS BREAKS

It'll be all right.

I drink here all the time.

All right, sugar tits?

Who are you?

I'll have a pint of what he's having.

Whisky?

Yeah. A pint of whisky.

I'll just have a shandy.

Hang on, I ain't serving him.

This happens all the time. I've got photo I'D.

Quite frankly, it's flattering.

Not you, you circus freak.

I'm talking about him. He's paralytic.

Course he is!

Aggressive Gary!

We're all getting shitfaced.

It's the big game.

Come on, top lad,

"Here's to alcohol, the rose-coloured glasses of life."

Do you know who said that?

F Scott Fitzgerald.

Put this round on my tab

and don't take the piss.

Better make it half a shandy. In fact, a quarter.

Wig, pants, Matthew...

without Ben, we're not going to win.

We need to get him back from Aggressive Gary's gang.

Maybe we can just go and talk to them.

I'm sure they're lovely blokes.

Leave this to me.

I know how to handle guys like them.

All right, top lad, we going to win today?

Good boy!

All right, geezers, all right?

See it's still Jack and Jill, 0-0.

We'll give them bloody foreigners a right seeing to.

Oi!

That is extremely xenophobic.

It's people like you give people like me a bad name.

"Talk, talk, talk: the utter and heart-breaking stupidity of words."

Do you know who said that?

William Faulkner.

Actually, statistically speaking,

England's midfield do have a higher pass completion ratio.

You...

make a very good point, little boy.

Fantasy Football League. In fact, I feel a bit guilty.

The opposing team's striker's on my team.

If he scores against England, I win 50 points.

Time for another round.

Same again, sweetheart.

Come on, lads, drink up.

Do something useful with that gobble of yours and knock it back.

THEY CHANT: Hey, hey, hey!

Which one of few chancers put a pint of whisky on my tab?

That's the guy from my fantasy team.

Goal!

Goal, gooo-aaalll!

Run!!

Leave 'em go, boys.

Let 'em go.

After all, "If I can show love to those that do me wrong,

"what great love can I show to those that do me right?"

You know who said that?

Aggressive Gary said that.

Right, so, it's half-time. That gives us 15 minutes to find somewhere

to watch the second half.

Oh, shit. It's Bryan from work.

HE SHOUTS: All right, Brian.

If he sees me, he'll tell Carabine I bunked off early to watch the game.

Well, if he's on his way home, that means work's kicking out.

We can watch the game in your empty office.

It is ten minutes' walk.

We're only missing the half-time analysis.

Guys in bad shirts talking bollocks.

Half-time in this episode of Badults.

So, Robbie, highlights?

No! This is my natural colour, Dan.

Any room for improvement?

Absolutely.

I just want to draw your attention to this moment, earlier in the show.

Yeah, well, you know I like to come here at night and look at comets.

-IN SLOW-MO:

-'Just there on the High Street,

'next to TK Maxx.'

Comets?

That is just sloppy comedy.

I suppose you're right, Robbie. It's careless joke writing.

You can't get away with that, this season.

Comets closed down years ago.

Tell you what, let's hope for an improvement in the second half.

Erm, we're hearing that both Matthew and Tom

are just approaching the office, now.

So, let's re-join the action

and find out whatever happened to the Likely Lads.

Brilliant, everybody's gone home.

That means we can watch the game

and Carabine will never even know we've been here.

Now remember this is where I work,

so please try not to touch anything.

Tom!

Matthew, everything has to be perfect for the second half.

It wasn't for the first and we're a goal down.

Right. Wig, pants, Matthew...

BOTH: Ben!

I'm worried!

Me too.

I mean, he's lost, he's outside, he's heavily drugged.

It's like Glastonbury all over again.

No, I'm worried about the game.

If Ben's not here, we're going to lose.

Right, we're going to have to go and get him.

Yeah, but I haven't done my half-time substitutions.

All right. Stay here. I'll be right back.

MUSIC: "The Flower of Scotland" by The Band of the Scots Guards

Mr Carabine, I...

I thought you'd gone. I'm so sorry.

Ten World Cups in my lifetime.

Germany '74, didn't lose a single game, but home we went...

a first round exit.

Then Argentina, Spain, Mexico, France, Italia '90,

"Oh, he won't trouble Leighton from that distance...

"Oh, disaster for Scotland!"

All first round exits. But at least we were there.

By God we were there.

We have the sprained drinking elbows to prove it.

The Tartan Army in full voice, with a full glass,

our...our heads held high.

Oh, you were on the march with Ally's Army.

We're all going to Argentine.

-Are you all right, sir?

-Huh?

And then all the others...

Japan, USA, Germany, South Africa and now...

Brazil?

My life measured out in four year absences.

What are the three saddest words in the British language?

"Friend request denied?"

"Did not qualify".

Look. I'm sorry your country is so shit at football...

erm, sir,

but could you please put the game back on?

There's a bigger game you've got to worry about now.

Get in there.

Welcome to my World Cup.

Rio de Carabinerio!

In my World Cup,

Scotland topped the group,

progressed all the way through the knockout stages

to the final...

where we're playing...

England.

It all rests on a penalty shoot-out.

Win and I let you stay and watch your precious game.

Lose and you're out on your arse with nowhere to watch the match.

Now, I've already selected my penalty takers.

It's the Scottish All-Stars:

Kenny Dalglish,

Robert the Bruce,

Sean Connery,

MacBeth

and Shrek.

Pick yours.

Right...

We always lose on penalties. We're England.

I hate being flicked all the time.

I'm waiting for the transfer window

and moving across to table football.

Ah, you're becoming a foosballer?

Yes, it's great.

Apparently, they're always at the bar.

Game on.

MUSIC: "Samba De Janeiro" by Bellini

MUSIC AND CHATTER

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

CROWD CHEERS

Right, Matthew.

This is your final penalty.

Score this, and it goes to sudden death.

Miss...

and England are out of the World Cup.

And you are out on the streets.

MUSIC: "Nessun Dorma" by Luciano Pavarotti

LP RECORD ABRUPTLY ENDS

What are you doing out here?

I lost a penalty shoot-out with Carabine.

We always lose on penalties!

Now we've got nowhere to watch the football and I can't find Ben!

Cheer up, mate.

Remember the message of our World Cup Song.

# England! Football! Lovely football.

# Football! Football! World Cup!

# I am rapping about football

# Everybody wants to kick the ball

And he's through on goal... Oh, no, he's offside.

# England! Football! Lovely football.

# Football, football. World Cup! #

Actually, it didn't have a message.

This is a disaster.

I'm sorry to say this,

but we might have lost Ben forever.

-There he is.

-Oh, yeah.

I thought he'd woken up and gone to his nan's birthday party.

That's it! Nana's house.

-She only lives round the corner!

-Let's go!

TOM AS BEN: Nana! There you are!

My favourite grandson?

I knew you wouldn't forget about me.

I'm glad you didn't bring your two idiot mates.

Idiot mates?

TOM AS BEN: Happy Birthday, Nana!

I bought you some crisps.

You are thoughtful.

Come in, come in.

Right then.

Five minutes to go.

I can't believe we're still a goal down.

There's still time. We can do it, boys!

Be a dear and pour it, would you?

TOM AS BEN: Yes, of course, Nana.

I'll be mother.

Don't forget the milk and sugar.

TOM AS BEN: Yes, of course.

I see you've put the football on.

Well, you watch that

cos I'll need to take my pills.

Yes. That's the ball, yes.

What with my weak heart.

-Cross it. Cross it!

-Shoot!

The doctor says I should just avoid any sudden shocks.

THEY SCREAM: Goal!

-Not him.

-He's with us.

Don't worry. We'll look after him.

Great! Now we're locked out. We're going to miss extra time.

-Extra time? That means it's been 90 minutes!

-So?

So, the TV repairman will be at our house.

Yes!

So, it seems the horse died underneath him,

but what's incredible is it kept running and they won.

They won the race.

Yeah, yeah, please, but what about the telly?

Right, yeah.

Now, after all that, lads,

it seems there's nothing wrong with the television at all,

so I think the problem is in the fuse box.

Please try and hurry up, please.

We're missing extra time!

Ah, it's the football you're after, is it?

Great, yeah. I, myself, have no interest in that at all.

Never have, never will,

but I'll tell you what I love is the bake-off.

Now, there's a real competition.

-Yes, yes, all right, all right.

-That's a real competition.

Please just get a move on.

Now, football is supposed to be a sort of manly pursuit, you know?

Personally, I believe that the ability to bake

is a very sort of masculine attribute, you know?

Now, if you took one of those Premiership footballers

with their champagne lifestyle, put them in that kitchen there

and gave them 20 minutes to produce a pavlova,

they'd fall to pieces...

as would the pavlova.

I tell you what, they think it's pavlova, it is now.

Right, let's try this.

Yes! That's it. That's it. It's working.

Oh, God, it's gone to penalties.

Penalties?

Oh, we always lose at penalties.

But not this time.

Wig, pants, Matthew, Ben. Yes.

Eh, lads, eh, you know,

I do a bit of the old baking, myself. Yeah.

Yeah, I just live in the block opposite,

over the way from you there, now.

It would surprise me very much

if you haven't already smelled one of my signature flans

baking away in the oven.

If my calculations are correct, if England win on penalties,

I'll go to the top of the national league.

I will win five grand.

Used to be a lovely neighbourhood, this, you know, beautiful area,

but it's really gone downhill of late.

In fact, just this afternoon,

I got a phone call from the wife.

She said she's after being spied on

while she was getting changed

by a great, big, fat hooligan and his little kid.

Come on, England!

Come on, England!

Can you believe it?

I mean, apparently they had a pair of binoculars

and a telescope with them.

I mean, what sort of world are we living in

where a woman can't get...

Wait a minute.

It was ye two, wasn't it? You were spying on my wife!

Can you please keep it down?

The penalties are about to kick off.

Well, we'll see about that!

You perverts.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

You will never, ever, ever get to taste one of my signature flans.

No!

Oh, God, he can't do that.

Calm down, Tom. It's just a flan.

No!

The football, Matthew.

We've been through too much to miss the end.

You're right. We have got to get the power back.

Must have dozed off.

Hope I haven't missed Nana.

For England?

For football!

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

MOANS AND GROANS

What?

MACHINE FLATLINES

Oh, f...

MUSIC: "World In Motion" by Englandneworder