Neighbours Badults

This programme contains some strong language.

# Always fooling around when we were young

# Time flies fast when you're having fun

# Don't want to get old, never want to grow up. #

Look at this, the top ten things to do this weekend.

Who wants to come with me to a flea market?

Not me, I've already got loads.

Tom? Cheese and wine tasting?

Er, I already know how cheese and wine tastes.

Besides, my weekend is sorted.

The new Jack Bourned movie opens in 48 hours. Before I go...

I'm rewatching all of his films.

I've already done The Bourned Condominium,

The Bourned Vasectomy, The Bourned Repetition...

37 films in two days?

I won't sleep until the job's done.

Not my words, the words of Jack Bourned,

just before he made a Russian warlord swallow his own fork.

Well, at least it's not as big as your last box set.

I should never have bought a complete box set of The News.

Ben? How about you come with me to a craft fair!

Sorry, mate, I'm pretty busy.

Busy? Ever since you got that new phone,

-you've done absolutely nothing.

-Nothing?

I spent all of Monday socialising.

Tuesday, I went bowling...

And I spent the rest of the week battling with

the leader of an alien race.

If you're just going to sit there on your phone all day,

I'm going to fuck off.

Don't you feel like you could expand your horizons?

I don't need to expand my horizons.

I've got all the world's knowledge right here.

What are you looking at right now?

China's fattest dogs.

I'm going to work.

Incredible! He just killed a man using only a pair of gloves.

He strangled him.

Wow. That is one massive shih-tzu.

There has to be a better way of living than this.

Well, off to work, housemates.

We're all walking the same way, I think.

Time for a coffee and a crossword?

Only if we complete it as a team!

And don't forget, my turn to cook tonight.

Well then, I'm washing up.

This weekend, do you fancy the craft fair or the flea market?

Can't we do both?

So long as we're back in time for scrabble!

Morning.

Wow.

Ben?

Oi! I'm nearly at level 8 on Temple Strut.

Temple Strut?

It's a bit like Temple Run but with more attitude.

# She call me Mr Boombastic

# Say me fantastic

# Touch me in my back she says I'm Mr Romantic...#

They shouldn't give smartphones to people who aren't.

-Did you get my messages?

-Yes. All 20 of them.

You think the new neighbours are incredible and you want us

to arrange a nice surprise.

Where's Tom?

Where indeed?

Surprise!

Concealment is the first element of surprise. Jack Bourned said that.

You Russky bastards! I'm already ahead of you.

I'm the fucking wall!

That is extremely xenophobic. All Russians aren't evil.

Not all. Just most.

I really think those films are a bad influence.

A bad influence?

Only this morning, I was inspired by Jack Bourned to create

a gadget that's going to benefit the whole flat.

Behold, the remote control toilet flush.

-Needs a slight adjustment.

-I want to make a good impression.

We should pay more attention to our neighbours.

Hey, I pay plenty of attention to that girl from Flat 17.

I'm not talking about watching someone

through a makeshift periscope.

I suppose you've been dicking around on your phone all day.

Actually, I googled welcoming new neighbours

and it suggested I make a gift basket.

Oh, that's a nice idea.

Gift them some simple essentials.

The kind of stuff you can't live without.

Hang on. A microwave door and a chair leg?

Where did these come from?

They're ours!

And let me tell you, you really can't live without them.

I microwaved a soup earlier and now my gums will not stop bleeding.

Matthew, why are you so keen to impress the neighbours?

They're cultured, intelligent, impressive.

I'd be a perfect addition for their group.

-You're none of those things.

-But they don't know that.

This is my chance for a fresh start.

I mean, yes, I queued overnight for One Direction tickets

and, yes, I thought Life of Pi was a cookbook.

And yes, I had sex with my cousin and...

Yes, they're stood right behind me and heard every word I said.

-Hi!

-Sorry, the door was open.

Have we come at a bad time?

Not at all. We were just workshopping a new play.

I call that character the worst man alive. And scene!

Well, we won't disturb you.

-We just thought we should say an official hello.

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Well, nice to meet you.

Wait, wait, you can't leave. We should hang out.

It's our first night, we'd rather be in our new place.

I completely understand. We'll be round in 20 minutes.

I can't believe we're late.

Be nice.

Nice? Jack Bourned always says, "Nice guys finish last.

"Tough guys finish first."

-Who finishes second?

-Women?

-Those films are a bad influence.

Frankly, I can't wait to see their enchanting home.

Thank you, Ben. That's more like it.

I downloaded an app, "How to talk to neighbours".

It tells you exactly what to say.

Listen.

I love what you've done with the front garden.

I bet their flat's incredible.

Matthew, it's going to be exactly the same as ours.

Hello!

This flat is unbelievable. It's so much better than ours.

No, it isn't. I mean, it's bigger, brighter and nicer than ours.

But it's not better.

Look, they've even got a fourth wall.

-Make yourselves at home.

-All right.

I'm going to have a look around.

-You look lovely tonight.

-Oh, thank you.

And, if she's a woman,

perhaps you could compliment her on how she smells.

Yep. Pretty good.

This is broken.

I love the whole uncluttered, minimalist vibe you've gone for.

-Oh, we've not unpacked yet.

-Cool.

David, could you fetch a spoon for the home-made hummus?

I'll get it. I'm really good at finding the cutlery drawer.

These, insert name of food, are delicious.

-You'll have to give me the recipe!

-I'd be delighted.

And you'll have to give me the recipe for these.

-They're crisps.

-Yes, but in a bowl.

I couldn't find the cutlery drawer.

-Is that my T-shirt?

-Mm-hmm.

I love what you've done with the place.

Error 414, reset application.

You just you wait until David gets his hands on it.

He's quite the decorator.

-I want this space to have an autumnal theme.

-So?

I did the decorating in our flat and every room has its own theme.

-Really?

-Yes, David. The kitchen is themed around food.

The bathroom is themed around... shitting?

Oh, my God! Is that a cleaning rota?

-Guilty as charged!

-Harry is a classic Leo.

Says the archetypal Capricorn!

That's why Juliet insists on captaining our pub quiz team.

I love you.

-Pardon?

-Why are all the Rs backwards on these books?

Oh. They're mine. I'm studying for a PhD in Russian.

Russian? So you're in cahoots with those Russky bastards?

Tom's been watching a lot of spy films.

Listen, guys, this has been...

but I really think we should all be getting to bed.

Really? Wow, you guys don't mess around.

Our own beds. On our own.

Oh.

You'll have to come over to ours. How about tomorrow?

I absolutely insist. Wait for response.

I really don't think that's going to...

Tomorrow it is then,

we'll see you at 6 or whatever time is convenient for them.

Great! Tom, we're leaving.

-I'm borrowing this.

-Polite farewell.

That was a disaster.

There's something very suspicious about those new neighbours of ours.

Tom, you can't be suspicious of someone

because they don't like you. Right now, I don't like you.

There's something very suspicious about you, Matthew.

At this rate, they're not going to want to be friends with any of us.

Hey, I've just had three new friend requests.

Who are Harry, David and Juliet?

They're our new neighbours. You literally just met them.

They haven't friended me. I don't get it.

I'm the nice one of the group. You're a fucking cretin.

He doesn't sound like the nice one.

Well, time for another Bourned movie.

You're both fucking cretins.

-Ow!

-Matthew, what are you doing?

The neighbours are coming over.

I want to make a good second first impression.

I don't believe in fairy lights.

Hey, every time you say that, a fairy light somewhere dies.

-Can you help?

-Nope.

-Ben?

-Nope.

Hey, I've just downloaded Furious Fruit.

-Fruit, of course.

-Melon.

-'You bastard!'

-Kumquat.

'Piss off, prick.'

Bloody hell, they are furious.

-Whoa, what is that?

-Fruit.

-We don't eat fruit.

We don't have to eat it. We just have to show we've got it.

We're on our way to being just like them.

You're not going to want to be like them

when you see the information that I've intercepted.

-Is that their post?

-Yeah. Access codes, satellites, passwords.

It doesn't take Jack Bourned to tell you something's awry!

These are Wi-Fi codes and a satellite TV contract.

This spy movie marathon is making you paranoid.

You were suspicious enough before it started.

Hello? I'd like to report a suspicious package, please.

Yeah, in fact...

I'd like to report loads of suspicious packages.

Every year.

It'd be nice to have at least one birthday that doesn't end

with a controlled explosion.

Look, Harry, David and Juliet have just invited me

to that premiere of the new Bourned film tomorrow.

-What?

-Really?

-Oh, this is awful.

-I know, I wanted to stay at home

and nail the next final level of Furious Fruit.

Berry Angry.

A film premiere? I knew it.

It's time to start doing things the Jack Bourned way.

-I'll take that!

-'Motherfucker!'

Please don't embarrass me.

Oh, don't you worry, I'll be extremely covert.

Hey! I was about to join the tang-marines.

That's them. Act...normal.

My phone. I can't socialise without my app.

-Neighbours, come in, come in.

-Evening!

-Sorry we're late!

-We were baking.

It's spelt bread.

Oh, I know how it's spelt. B-R-E-A-D.

-I see you've made an effort.

-Help yourself to bowl crisps.

Such a fantastic idea of yours.

By the way, who wants a beer?

You know, in a bowl. Like the crisps.

No? Fair enough. Cheers!

Hey, Ben!

'They're talking to you. Better say something.

'If only I had my app. This is awkward.

'All right, if you can't say something at least do an emoticon.'

We hope you don't mind but...

We thought you might need something smart for tomorrow night.

Maybe you'd like to borrow something of mine?

Wow.

I love this really big zip, but where do my arms go?

Now, I know how you guys love quizzes,

so I've prepared a quiz that'll help you get to know us a bit better.

Question number one.

Which one of your neighbours has a grade 7 in clarinet?

And I'll give you a clue.

Hello neighbours.

So, you're off to the Bourned premiere tomorrow, are you?

Yeah, sorry, we've only got one spare ticket.

Oh, don't you worry. I don't want to come with you.

No, because I know what you're up to. Yeah.

In the Bourned Podiatry, three secret agents meet with

an ambassador to sell confidential documents.

Where do they meet him? At a film premiere.

-So, we're secret agents?

-Oh, a confession!

Question two. Thinking we installed a heated, outdoor toilet,

Ben once shat in a barbecue.

Is that true or true?

You see, what you haven't realised, is that I've been filming

-this whole conversation.

-We realised.

Sorry, but by your logic, anyone at the premiere tomorrow

could be a secret agent.

Your words, not mine. You Russky bastards.

I'm really struggling with question two. Can you repeat the options?

Can you stop doing that, please?

Oh, you'd like me to stop doing that, wouldn't you?

Yes. That's why I asked.

-Please take off that fake arm!

-Fake arm?

Fake arm?

What fake arm?

Tom, please apologise to our new friends and make it clear I'm in

no way involved and I'm still open to joining their friendship group.

Oh, I'm not going to apologise because I've read these.

I know all about the satellites, the passwords, his rash.

Sorry, I shouldn't have read the last one.

You opened our mail? That is illegal.

Come on. We're leaving.

I don't think we can hang around with you guys any more.

Apart from Ben. Pick you up at seven.

Question number three, can I come too? Oh, well done!

That was my chance to make some brand-new friends.

What about us, your brand old friends?

Yeah, and why do you want to be friends with terrorists?

Because they're better than you!

Those neighbours are tearing us apart.

It's just you and me now, Ben.

Ben? Ben?

-Have you seen my phone?

-Hang on, it's gone.

What? How am I supposed to play Furious Fruit 2,

The Grapes of Wrath?

They must have stolen it.

My surveillance footage was too close to the truth!

We need to sneak in there and find it.

If it means getting my phone back, I'll do it.

Brilliant. The only question is, how do we get in?

That was five hours well spent and all it cost us

was your chest of drawers, your wardrobe and your bed frame.

Now, we climb inside and give it to them as a house-warming gift!

Oh, I thought we were going to ride it all the way to the locksmith

and then get a copy of this spare key they've given me?

You've had a spare key all along?

-What's going on?

-We're going to break into the neighbours' flat!

-What?

-Yeah, we're going to prove to you, once and for all,

that they're up to no good.

You can't just break into their flat in the middle of the night,

go rifling through all their stuff and then use that information

to infiltrate their social group. I'm in too. Let's go.

Right, let's see...

Shoes on a rack. Bowl of pebbles. Billy book shelf.

-Where do they get their style?

-Yes. The phone!

Brilliant. Furious Fruit 2, here I come. Time to join the Banana-army.

I told you! I knew they were up to no good.

-Oh, my God!

-Matthew, it's just a cleaning rota?

No, it's not a rota. Look!

They are sending information to the Russians.

-It's worse than that.

-We are Russians!

So, you have discovered our secret evil plan.

Yes! To steal state secrets from our government, you Russky bastards.

-That is not our plan, idiot.

-No.

We intend to put an end to constant stereotyping of Russians

as evil super villains...

By blowing up The Bourned film premiere!

That seems counter-productive.

There's one thing you haven't factored in - our comrade Ben.

He's going to realise what's going on and rescue us.

Ben? A man so stupid and distracted that he'll carry

a bomb into cinema without even realising he's doing it?

He's become vital part of our plan.

So you're only pretending to like Ben cos he's stupid enough

-to carry your bomb?

-Of course!

Yes! That, at least, puts me in the top two.

-No, we still think you are a

-BLEEP.

You guys are underestimating Ben.

Underneath that dumb exterior lies a keen mind.

He'll figure out what's going on,

and when he does, it's you that's in for the surprise.

You won't even see it coming!

Er, Tom?

Concealment is the first element of surprise!

Finally, the mastermind awakes.

Look what those Russians have done.

The heat from those candles will burn through the rope,

which will cause that glycerine nitrate to drop, starting an

exothermic chemical reaction that'll burn down the whole building.

Wouldn't it be easier just to use petrol and matches?

They're Russian super villains, Matthew, that's not how they roll.

We've got three minutes, tops. Come on, Tom, think.

What would Jack Bourned do?

Kitchen knife left on the table, coat hanger two metres away,

light fitting directly above.

I've got it. It's crazy, but it might just work.

HUYAR!

Ow! Oh, that did not work. Has anybody else got any ideas?

These are our last few minutes on earth. What shall we do?

Shall we pray? Reminisce? Sing?

# Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya

# Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya... #

Shut up! I'm trying to play the final level on Furious Fruit.

Pineapple Spunks.

You've got your phone! You can use it to get us out of here.

Right!

Use the broken shards of glass to cut the rope.

No, use the phone to call the police!

Oh, Ben, you've never done anything right in your entire life.

-It worked!

-I knew it would.

-Untie me.

I'm the only one with the skills to disable that device.

Right.

Now. Do I blow out the red candle or the green candle?

Red or green? Red or green?

Red or green?

Oh, yeah. Right. Come on, team.

It's time that we stopped...

Those Russky bastards?

Going somewhere Mr... Matthew, Tom and Ben?

We were just on our way to foil your fiendish plan.

Ha! You three could never defeat us.

-We're everything you're not.

-An efficient, focused team.

But you?

You're biggest losers we have seen since Moldova's entry

in the 1984 Eurovision Song Contest, Bing Bang Bing.

Well, you're in for a surprise, Russians,

cos we're about to pull the rug from under your feet.

That was a terrible pun.

Oh, I don't know, I got a kick out of it!

A friend in need is a friend indeed.

Thought that's funny? Wait till you hear the punch line.

Well, it looks like I'm about to hit a woman in the face.

-No, no, that's not acceptable.

-Sorry.

Nice try, English. But it's like we said.

You're losers. Ridiculous, pathetic, stupid losers.

But we're still a team. Yes, Tom's ridiculous.

So ridiculous that he invented a remote control flushing toilet.

And Matthew is so pathetic that he can't even put up fairy

lights without leaving loosely wired electrics all over the flat.

And Ben is so stupid, he's spent 24 hours playing a game that

makes him an expert in throwing fruit.

This may surprise you...

But when our powers combine...

The results can be electrifying!

Bastards!

Talk about a shock to the cistern!

Oh, the bulb's gone.

Hey, it's pretty cool that we got to keep those

tickets for tonight's Bourned premiere.

Too right. Vodka Martini?

-Shaken not stirred.

-Really?

Tom, Ben, I owe you both an apology.

I was wrong to say the neighbours were better than you.

I should have realised they were pure evil.

Well, you'll know better for next time.

I'll get that.

Hi, I just moved in next door. Could I borrow some binbags?

Looking good, Ben.

Well, the Russians won't be needing their suit back,

not now they're electrocuted to death.

New neighbour's moved in. He seems adorable.

He says he wants to have us for dinner.

Well, that is my marathon completed.

37 films in 48 hours.

I never want to see another Bourned film again.

Let's go to the premiere.

You know, it's incredible to think that if the Russians' plan

had worked, Ben would be delivering their bomb for them right now.

Oh, just going to grab my jacket.

You know, you can say what you like about those Russians

but they really do have great fashion sense.

Oh, this suit is the bomb.

It's dynamite.

It's to die for. Tonight's really going to go with a bang.