Champ Badults

# Always fooling around when we were young

# Time flies fast when you're having fun

# Don't want to get old, never want to grow...

# Up. #

This programme contains some strong language.

Oh, Matthew.

This is a momentous day in history.

Oh, the day you finally gave yourself type 2 diabetes.

No. I am about to complete an around the world journey...

in food.

I had a brainwave this morning.

I finished my full English and thought,

"Why stop there?

"I'm going to eat myself across the globe."

China. Spain.

India. Still to come...

Arctic Roll.

And then...

it's G'Day Australia.

Just as soon as I've conquered Italy. Ciao.

What is that? The trophy for world's grossest man?

Oh, no, I've run out of bowls.

So, you mugged Usain Bolt?

Hang on a sec.

These are yours?

Yeah, of course they're mine.

You used to be a champion athlete?

Why do you look so surprised?

HE FARTS

Mm...

that was Morocco.

You haven't maintained the athlete's lifestyle.

You're the only man I know whose New Year's resolution

was to spend the whole of January blackout drunk.

I don't remember that!

Oh. That'll be Ben.

For my trip to the deep American south,

I sent him to the local chicken shop.

Terrible news.

-They've shut down Ken's Lucky Fried Chicken.

-What?

Yeah. Under the Trades Description Act.

I always wondered why Ken did that

when he said the word "chicken".

Ken'll bounce back. He always does.

He opened that chicken shop within days

of his dog food factory being shut down.

Don't worry.

I got chatting to a bloke at the farmers' market

and he sold me...

this!

Apparently, this is what an actual chicken looks like.

All we need to do now is kill it.

Whoa! Count me out.

Say what you like about Ken's "chicken",

but at least it doesn't look like a real chicken.

Or taste like real chicken.

Or, from the hygiene report,

contain any actual chicken.

I can't eat something once I've seen its face.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm off to my room to eat a plate of live witchetty grubs.

Count me out too.

I feel guilty enough eating Percy Pigs.

And his poor pals.

They might be right, Mr Chicken,

but I guess we'll never know.

Come on, let's get you killed.

Hey, Matthew.

Oh, hi, Lucy.

Erm, do you want to go to the cinema with me this weekend?

Yeah.

Thought so,

but I don't want to go with you.

Right.

Listen up, worker bees.

This is an important announcement from me,

your Queen.

That sounded so much better in my head.

This Saturday, Carabine Promotions is hosting a charity fundraiser

"Fun-Run Run For Charity".

As with all of my fun events,

participation is mandatory.

"Fun run"?

How can something involve running and also be fun?

It's like saying "enjoyable endoscopy".

I think it sounds wonderful.

An endoscopy?

The race.

It's the perfect combination of my twin interests -

people seeing me doing stuff for charity

and looking good in Lycra.

Obviously, all proceeds go to the "Food for the Homeless" charity,

so it's not about who wins or loses.

Having said that, whoever does win

will be featured prominently on the front page of the local Gazette

posing with the coveted Carabine Selfless Charity Shield.

Sir, just checking, when Matthew comes last,

I mean, when someone comes last,

does their picture go on the Wall of Shame?

Oh, of course.

Such an excellent idea of yours, Lucy.

I've never had one that wasn't.

-Here's your post, sir.

-Thank you.

Ah! The results of my endoscopy!

Ah. Good Lord...

that was an enjoyable day.

This is going to taste brilliant.

CHICKEN SQUAWKS

Come on, Ben.

It was worth it.

CHICKEN SQUAWKS

I had to do it.

BEN SCREAMS

No, I can't.

I've committed a murder.

Taken an innocent life.

An animal shouldn't have to die, so that I can eat.

From now on, I'm going to treat all animals

with the same respect I would a human being!

Good night, sweet prince.

Where have you been? Why weren't you at lunch?

I thought I'd fit in a quick training session.

Nothing major.

Just the five miles.

-Show off.

-I am not.

Guys, listen,

just because I used to represent my district at cross country,

can bench-press 250

and have been described by at least two exes

as "intimidatingly athletic",

doesn't mean I'm going to win.

God. This race is anyone's.

Well, not yours, Matthew.

Actually, Lucy, that's where you're wrong.

I'm not going to come last,

and do you know why?

I've got a friend who's going to train me up.

A friend who used to be a champion athlete.

Oh.

Jackpot!

Bin meat.

Tom, I need to ask you something.

Are you eating out of the bin?

I saw it first.

And anyway, isn't that Ben's chicken?

Not any more.

I don't want anything to do with meat.

I've decided to become a vegetarian.

Ha. So, you won't be needing this.

That's quite a big lifestyle change, Ben.

No, it isn't. It's easy.

I'll just eat stuff that isn't meat.

Think I'll start with some of that leftover shepherd's pie.

Oh, no, but Ben...Ben, that's meat.

It's made of real shepherds?

All right, I'll just have some bacon.

That's meat.

-Sausages?

-That's meat!

Meat feast pizza?

-Sorry, Ben.

-Oh, God.

What am I going to do?

Tom, I need your help.

I'm being forced to run a race this weekend.

Will you train me up?

You don't need me. Didn't you used to run at school?

I used to run the chess club.

And even that aggravated my asthma.

But you...you used to be a champion athlete.

That was a long time ago.

I don't want to talk about it.

OK, fine.

HE YELLS: I said I don't want to talk about it.

I was the fastest five-year-old in the county.

"How?" I hear you ask.

One reason...

me father.

He was a good-looking man.

Stylish, debonair,

a hit with the ladies.

But as a coach he was merciless.

From a very early age,

my dad was always pushing me to succeed.

Move it.

Move it! Faster, come on!

BABY CRIES

It's no use crying. That was too slow.

Back to the start.

On your marks, get set, go!

BABY COOS

What is so difficult about trying to run

before you can walk?

But in time it began to pay off.

Soon, I was an undefeated toddler athlete.

I won the five-metre sprint,

the 100-metre marathon,

even the hurdles

or, as we called them, the gurgles.

And then it got to the day of the big race.

The preschool Olympics.

Big win today, son.

You've got this, my boy.

Oh, you're not going to let me down.

Ho-ho, not today!

On your marks, get set...

STARTING PISTOL FIRES

-'I tried to run.'

-Run!

-'I just couldn't move.'

-Move!

'The pressure had got to me. I froze.'

You're a failure.

You're no son of mine!

MUSIC: "The Boss" by James Brown

# Paid the cost to be the boss #

# I paid the cost to be the boss. #

Three years later, my dad left my mum and ran off with a barmaid

and all because I didn't win that race.

I don't think that bit's your fault.

Either way, that was the day

that I turned my back on athletics for good

and promised never to return.

I'm sorry, Matthew.

I can't coach you.

Try not to cry.

I'm not crying. Can you smell barbecue?

Ben, I thought you were vegetarian.

-I am.

-But you're cooking burgers.

Yeah, but I'm not eating them.

Oh...

That's the shit!

Matthew, do me a favour,

-eat this in front of me.

-No.

Come on. Please, man. I just want to watch.

You're going insane from meat withdrawal.

I think you need to go cold turkey.

Cold turkey isn't meat?

It's the loophole I've been looking for.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Come on, guys, come on.

I'm aching for some bacon.

I'm itching for a pork scratching.

I've got the steak bake shakes!

Sorry, buddy. We're doing this for your own good.

He's in for a long night.

BEN GROANS IN PAIN

BEN SCREAMS

Well, off to work.

Where I guess, I'm going to have to tell everyone

that my personal trainer

-just didn't come through for me.

-Shh, Matthew.

Today, I'm going to eat the seven wonders of the world.

Behold.

The Great Wall of Tuna.

It's a shame.

I really believe you'd have been a brilliant coach.

But I guess I was wrong.

ANGELIC CHOIR MUSIC PLAYS

Ben, you look like a new man.

I feel incredible.

I'm cured.

No more meat for me.

Not even cured meat.

From now on, I'm 100% vegetable.

You've always been 100% vegetable.

I've overcome my meat dependency.

I don't even need this patch anymore.

What have I become?

-IN A WOMAN'S VOICE:

-Hello, Mr Carabine?

Yes, this is Matthew's mother.

I'm afraid he can't take part

in your little running race this weekend,

cos of a terrible medical condition.

Yes, he's got a weak...

body.

Ah, Matthew's mother.

How nice to hear from you again!

Again?

Yes, it's been a year,

but I haven't forgotten.

That was a hell of a night.

Tell me, do you still have

those Agent Provocateur crotchless panties?

Yes. Yes, I do.

What am I wearing right now?

I'm naked.

-AS MATTHEW:

-You want to do what with what?

-AS WOMAN:

-Yes, of course.

-I...I won't tell Matthew.

-Matthew!

-Sir!

-Ah, nice try, lover-boy!

He was trying to get out of the fun run. Well, it's going to take more

than impersonating your mother

and having phone sex with your boss.

That was your plan?

And I thought you just LOOKED like a pervert.

Anyway, weren't you going to train?

Didn't you say you had a friend

who was a champion athlete?

I thought I did.

But I was wrong.

Or were you?

-Tom?

-Call me Coach.

Sorry, who are you?

I can tell you who I was.

I was a man who'd lost all self-respect

until a friend told me he believed in me.

What are you doing in my office?

I'm repaying that belief.

I'm going to train my boy up here,

to win your little race.

I don't think so.

I've already had Lucy's name engraved on the shield.

Well, you better un-engrave it

because we're going to win that shield.

A) You cannot un-engrave something

and B) The only thing Matthew is going to get tomorrow is a stitch.

Yeah, well, a stitch in time saves nine.

Leave the trash talking to me.

What do you say we make this fun run interesting?

It is interesting.

It's in fancy dress.

I mean, really interesting.

Matthew can beat this Lucy character.

-And I'm prepared to put money on it.

-What?!

Now, you're talking my language.

Shall we say...

two?

Ha! What, A fat quid?

How about five?

Five grand it is!

Oh, five grand? Hang on a minute.

Not backing out, are we?

I've never backed out of anything in my life.

My car's still stuck in that garage.

May the best coach win!

Lucy!

Five grand?

That's nearly six grand.

That's how much I believe in you, buddy.

Let's get training.

I love being a veggie.

I get to have a clear conscience and eat healthily.

'Please don't, Ben! Think about where I came from?'

Switzerland?

'No, I came from a cow.

'Both me and the milk came out of a cow's tits.

'Think about our mother, so cruelly treated.'

Oh, come on, there's no use crying over...

yourself.

I guess I'll just have an...

'I wanted to grow up to be a chicken!'

Alright. I won't eat you.

I can't believe I'm going to say this,

but I'm going to become a vegan.

All right, fruit and veg.

I guess it's just you and me now.

FRUIT PROTEST: No! Have mercy! Don't do it!

For fuck's sake.

You said we'd be training.

Why are we hiding in the stationery cupboard?

My Dad taught me that the first step of any training regime

is to sabotage the opposition.

Phase One - we need to get Lucy out of shape.

Gift her these 12 doughnuts.

She's bound to munch the lot.

Who could resist such a delicious sugar-coated treat?

Oh, what's this?

Little present from me to you.

Half a doughnut?

Phase One didn't work.

It's time for Phase Two -

injury.

Gift her these 12-inch heel stilettos.

She's bound to twist her ankle.

Who could resist such a glamorous, height-increasing gift?

Why do you look taller?

Now that would be telling.

OK.

Phase Three -

bribery.

Who could resist £100 in cash?

-New hat?

-Yes, it is.

It cost £100,

paid in cash.

Phase Four - we buy an Acme anvil

and suspend it off the edge of a cliff.

Lucy runs past... "meep, meep,"

-we cut the rope.

-You've run out of ideas, haven't you?

Right! That's enough.

You two have been crouching in that cupboard all afternoon.

I was just showing my boy some stationery

because that's what he's not going to be in tomorrow's race.

Sir, they've been trying to sabotage me, I think.

Eating doughnuts, wearing high heels, buying hats.

Every dirty trick in the book.

You disgust me.

I disgust myself.

Get out.

You better bring it tomorrow.

Oh, I'll bring it.

-Well, make sure you bring it.

-Oh, I'll bring it.

Sorry. Just to clarify, what exactly do I need to bring?

Well, that's the next step of my dad's training regime complete.

Buy tracksuit from charity shop.

I don't see how this is going to help me beat Lucy.

Hey, my dad's system never fails.

I'm training you to win.

All I wanted was to not come last.

Do you know what you sound like?

A loser.

Now drop and give me 20.

Push-ups!

Urggh...

-Ben?

-You OK?

I've had a terrible day.

I gave up meat and became a vegetarian.

Fish - I was a pescetarian.

I gave up the rest, I was a vegan.

I gave up cheese.

I was a brie-gan.

And now I've given up everything.

What does that make you?

Fucking hungry.

So, you're only allowed to eat fruit?

No. Fruit and vegetables are living things, too.

Tell them, Mr Apple.

You see? He makes a compelling argument.

No, you sit there.

Rest your pips.

Ben, it's just an apple. It can't talk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He did not mean that.

OK, OK, calm down.

No, they're not fucking knob-heads.

I'm sorry, he's not normally like this.

And what are you wearing?

Nothing that harmed a living creature.

I know.

You were untimely ripped from the back of a screaming animal.

Now we both feel sheepish.

By your logic, you're not able to eat anything.

What's that, Mr Apple?

I could always forage for food?

Food that's fallen naturally to the earth won't mind being eaten?

Yes!

-We should go after him.

-No, no, no!

We need to win this race,

and winning is more important than friendship.

My dad taught me that!

It's also more important than health, happiness and Christmas.

But the race is tomorrow. I don't stand a chance.

Let's see how you feel after our...

training montage.

MUSIC: "You're The Best Around" by Joe Esposito

# Try to be best cos you're only a man

# And a man's gotta learn to take it

# Try to believe though the going gets rough

# That you gotta hang tough to make it

# History repeats itself

# Try and you'll succeed

# Never doubt that you're the one

# And you can have your dreams!

# You're the best!

# Around!

# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down

# You're the best!

# Around!

# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down

# You're the best!

# Around!

# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down

# You're the best! Around!

# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down

# You're the best!

# Around!

# Nothing's gonna ever keep you down

# You're the best! Around... #

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Ah.

I think we're ready.

Tom, this montage is supposed to be for me.

Yeah, but you weren't making any progress.

Kyle, here, is really good at montages.

Besides, you don't need any training

because you've got something better than training.

A coach who believes in you.

That isn't better than training.

You can't stay here.

Here he is.

The champ who's going to win the race

and make me proud.

(You better not make me look stupid out there.)

And you need to look smart

when you're on the front of the Gazette!

Oh, isn't that just adorable.

Tom, you're embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Right, there's just the small matter

of the mandatory fancy dress costumes

that I have selected for you.

Now, because the charity is "Food for the Homeless",

I thought food-related costumes would be...

Massively inappropriate?

Fun.

-Ha.

-Fancy dress costumes aren't going to make any difference.

(How am I going to run in this?)

(I'm going to look ridiculous...)

on the front page of the Gazette.

There's no way I can run in this.

Nice try, Carabine,

but that massive, heavy chicken outfit

is only going to make him faster.

Erm, no, it isn't.

Nervous?

Because you look chicken.

Yeah, well, you look...

sandwich hat.

Give it up, Chicken Little.

You can't beat me.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a race to win

and some New Radicals to listen to while I'm winning it.

So hungry.

'Don't mess with me.

'My dad's an oak tree.'

Why is there no food that actually wants to be eaten?

'What are you doing?'

I'm sorry,

I'm just so hungry!

Well, of course, you're hungry, my little trampy friend.

But, don't worry, all your homeless pals are over here.

Come along.

That's it.

Right, let's get this tax avoidance scheme...

I mean, charity fundraiser underway.

Ok, good morning.

Erm, welcome, ladies and gentlemen

and homeless people.

Welcome to the "Charity Fun-Run Run For Charity."

Now, obviously, today is all about fun.

My Mr Smiley tie is testament to that.

Please, but it's also about charity.

So, why doesn't one of you come up here,

tell us your story? What about you?

Hobo Joe, everybody.

Hobo Joe.

Here he is.

Hobo Joe.

Why don't you tell us,

where did it all go wrong?

I bought an organic chicken.

Well, a powerful reminder, ladies and gentlemen,

of how close the poverty line really is.

Right, let's get this race started.

All right, Matthew.

I thought I'd just give you a few words of encouragement

before the big race.

Now, no pressure,

but the stakes are absolutely massive

and you have to win.

'I've already had Lucy's name engraved on the shield.'

'Give it up, Chicken Little. You can't beat me.'

'You'd better not make me look stupid out there.'

On your marks,

get set,

go.

Oh, come on, run, Matthew! Run!

I can't move.

The pressure's got to me! I'm sorry, Coach.

Matthew!

You failure.

You're no son of mine.

Wait a minute. What am I saying?

What have I become?

I'm not going to end up like you, Dad.

HE SCREAMS

Oh. Matthew, listen. I was wrong.

Winning isn't important,

neither's making me proud.

What's important is...

-Self-belief?

-No, no, not that.

Friendship?

Not friendship, you dick.

That five grand bet you made?

Oh, shit! That's what's important...

money!

Run, Matthew.

Run like all my cash depends on it.

MUSIC: "You're The Best Around" by Joe Esposito

I'm doing it. I'm running.

Maybe Tom was right. Maybe I can win this race.

I'm doing it!

I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it.

I can't do it.

A chicken.

Just kill me now.

What's that, Mr Chicken?

Kill you now?

This is my chance!

I'll eat you, Mr Chicken. I'll eat you, Mr Chicken.

I'll eat you!

Five grand.

I can almost taste it.

Mm. Papery.

MUSIC: "Casta Diva" from "Norma" by Bellini

MUSIC: "We Are The Champions" by Queen