Changes Badults

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

Wise old man,

I come seeking something that will change my life.

That or a cure for the Millennium Bug.

SPEAKS CANTONESE

Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't speak Chinese.

SPEAKS CANTONESE

A dice?

Why would you give me a...?

-9:05am, Tom comes back from work...

-I'm home!

..slamming the door too hard and waking up Ben.

BEN YELPS

Tom tries to throw his bag into his room...

and misses. The noise scares Ben.

-Who's there?

-Tom goes to the toilet.

I should not have had those five coffees.

-Ben rushes out of his room brandishing the closest thing to hand.

-Come on, then!

-When he realises there's no threat, he goes to make breakfast.

-Breakfast.

9:05am and...30 seconds,

Tom comes out of the toilet, mispronounces my name

and tries to tell me about his latest incredible idea...

Matthyow!

Let me tell you about my latest incredible idea...

..that is always terrible.

Cat skis.

For too long, now, cats have been

unable to compete at the Winter Olympics.

Tom, that is a terrible idea.

Ben will try and use the cooker which has been broken for two years

and is now a potential death trap.

-GAS FLARES

-Oh!

Every morning I singe my eyebrows off...

then they miraculously grow back.

This is what I'm trying to say, nothing changes round here.

Yeah, every morning, you sit there

and say out loud what we're about to do.

-It's really weird.

-I guess I'm just fed up.

Don't you get tired of the status quo?

The greatest rock band ever? No!

HE PLAYS AIR GUITAR

Besides, it's good to have a routine.

For example, today is the third Thursday of the month,

which means the girl from flat 17 gets her supermarket delivery tonight.

-So?

-So if I can be in the lobby, casually pretending to

be on the phone, I get to see her for a full two minutes.

That sounds a lot like stalking.

I think it's more like a very personal neighbourhood watch scheme.

But you'll never actually talk to her.

-I could talk to her if I wanted to.

-Really?

Because you've struggled in the past.

-Guys! It's bin day!

-Yay!

Just taking out the bins.

I'm just going to go and sell these plungers.

I'm just off to the shop to return this invisibility cloak.

Hello.

That's why you're going back to the shop.

Why don't you just ask her out?

Well, I could ask you the same thing about that girl you fancy at work.

-I do not fancy Lucy.

-Ah, but you knew who I was talking about.

Besides, the girl from flat 17 lives in our building.

As long as I live in the same building as that girl, I won't ask her out.

You cannot shit where you eat.

You can't? Argh.

Next thing you'll be telling me I can't piss where I sleep.

Fine, don't ask her out.

It's just another thing that's never going to change round here.

Matthew, what's wrong with you today?

It's five years to the day since we moved into this flat.

-Five years and nothing has changed.

-Hang on! Five years?

Yes, Ben, you've been doing nothing for five years.

That's where you're wrong. Sure, it's LOOKED like I've been doing nothing -

never leaving the house, not getting a job, shitting where I eat -

but this whole time I've been working on a special project in my room,

a project that reaches completion today.

A special project?

If this is cat skis, he's got a lawsuit on his hands.

I've been home brewing!

Yes, Ben! That's a great plan.

We set up our own company, go into mass production

and finally give Jack Daniels the kicking he deserves.

People will be queuing round the block to taste our...

-Turnip gin!

-Oh.

And this isn't for sale. We're going to drink it.

We're going to get drunk for free

and all it cost me was half a decade of my life.

So, nothing does change. Here's to another five years of wasting time

-and not talking to girls. BOTH:

-Yeah!

Ugh, work. Another place where nothing ever changes.

Oh, my God, Matthew, everything is changing!

Sir, what's going on?

Going on? Oh, no, no, nothing's going on.

No, no, it's, uh, it's business as usual, uh,

here at Carabine Promotions.

-It just seems like everyone is panicking and leaving.

-Nonsense!

-Oh, my God, I'm really panicking!

-Me too! I'm leaving!

Just a little over excited about tomorrow's tax inspection.

The company's been accused of a couple of minor infringements,

and we can expect, maybe, a little slap on the wristy from Mr Taxman.

But don't you worry,

nothing that can't be solved with a little balancing of the books.

Now, you're going to hear a lot of accusations levelled at me.

Carabine is a swindler, Carabine is a fraudster.

Carabine is a massive cu...

-But believe me. It's all lies.

-I believe you, sir.

Lies, damn lies

and some irrefutable eviden...

Sorry, what did you just say?

I believe you, sir. I'm sure whatever's going on between you

and the taxman is just a misunderstanding.

I've always liked you.

In many ways, I see you less as an employee,

more as the son I never had.

-'Mr Carabine, your son's here to see you.'

-Yeah, tell him to fuck off.

I've had my eye on you for some time, Matthew,

Stick with me through tomorrow's little tax inspection

and I'll make sure you're fast-tracked to the very top.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Matthew, what's going on?

I've spoken to Mr Carabine and everything is fine.

Nuh-uh, we are all getting sacked.

Now, come on, let's drink this bottle of vodka

and crawl through the air vents like it's Die Hard.

No-one is losing their jobs.

Tomorrow, me and Mr Carabine are going to save this company.

Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?

OK, Mr Carabine and I are going to save this company.

Oh, you're in denial. That's cute. I actually couldn't be happier.

Losing your job is an amazing opportunity for change.

-That's why, tomorrow, I'm out of here.

-You're leaving?

-Hell yes.

I'm picking up my final paycheck and heading straight to the airport.

-That's incredible. I've always wanted to work at an airport.

-No,

I am getting on a plane and going to Fiji.

I've always dreamed of running a bar on the beach.

I'm pretty awesome at cocktail flaring.

BOTTLE SMASHES

That's just the kind of person I am.

free-spirited, impulsive, carefree.

-I wouldn't expect you to do something like that.

-You're wrong about me.

I can be impulsive. I'm carefree.

You have an asthma attack if someone steals your Post-it Notes.

Hang on, where are my Post-it Notes? You've stolen my Post-it Notes!

I don't know what you're talking about. But it's OK.

-The world needs losers.

-You're wrong about me. I could be impulsive.

-I could go to Fiji.

-If you're so impulsive,

let's go to Fiji together.

I'm leaving for the airport tomorrow at 9am.

If you really are so free-spirited,

I'll see you here with your bags packed.

Ta-ta.

Fiji...

-Guys, I've got some incredible news.

-Matthyow!

You're just in time for our five year ledge-iversary party.

We're going to be drinking the sweet, sweet nectar that is my turnip gin.

-But this is important.

-Yeah, but first, a toast.

To friendship.

To sticking together, no matter what.

To none of us ever moving out of the flat.

Because if one of us would decide to go, then we'd all have to move out.

It's not like that's going to happen.

Now, tell us your news.

After all, we are your best friends in the entire world.

Well, it's not MY news per se.

-I've got this friend...

-And he's called Percy.

Shut up. Listen.

He says he wants change in his life,

but when he's presented with a chance for real change, he panics.

He's torn between a loyalty to his friends and the chance of

new beginnings, a fresh start, maybe even true happiness.

Who is this friend? He sounds like a dick.

-Yeah, let's find this Percy character and beat him up.

-Forget it.

Matthew, look - it's you that needs to make this choice, isn't it?

You're Percy!

I think you should use...

..this.

A wise old man gave me this on my travels through the East,

and told me it should only be used to help make a life-changing decision.

At least, I think that's what he said - I don't speak Chinese.

Well, this is a life-changing decision.

All the more reason to let the Fates decide.

-Give me that dice.

-Matthew, if you're going to do this,

you have to obey the dice, no matter what.

All right.

Watcha. Aggressive Gary here.

Live Betting is now in play.

Will Matthew roll an odd number

and decide to leave for Fiji, or evens and stay here with the boys?

What are the odds? Of course they're 50/50, you muppet!

Bet now, else I'll get one of my boys to come round your house

and start smashing things up.

Betting. It's the absolute guvnor.

Here goes nothing.

Evens.

-I'm staying.

-Yeah!

It's best leaving things exactly as they are.

Well, this calls for a celebration, Turnip gins all round.

No, thanks, Ben, I've got to get up early tomorrow morning.

-I've got a pretty big tax meeting.

-Tom?

-I'm not drinking that.

It smells flammable.

Flammable.

-Lucy.

-Matthew!

Listen, I've made my decision. I'm not coming with you.

I knew I was right about you. Of course you're not coming.

Good luck in life, Matthew. You will need it.

And I got you a present to say goodbye.

-Post-it Notes.

-Oh, awesome!

Here he is!

My new Managing Director!

-Managing Director?

-Yeah, well, I believe that initiative should be rewarded.

-Initiative? All I've done is come into work.

-Already puts you head and

-shoulders above the competition.

-Oh, thank you, sir.

I like the way you're handling yourself as Managing Director.

How about this? Would you like to actually own the company?

Own it? I'm not sure I'm prepared.

Well, I'm not prepared to run it any longer.

So all you've got to do is sign here and here.

You can keep the pen.

You are now the new owner of Carabine Promotions.

I'm home!

BEN YELPS

Who's there?

I should not have had those five pints of prune juice.

Come on, then!

Breakfast.

Matthyow! Listen to my latest incredible idea...

The X-ray anus.

At the moment it's just a phrase,

but there's got to be an idea in it somewhere.

Matthyow?

Well, if he's not here to say it's a bad idea,

then it must be a brilliant idea.

I'd better get this patented.

Hello.

You're the guy that lives at flat number 23, aren't you?

Of course you are. That's why you're coming out of flat 23.

Why don't you say anything?

Because it's like shitting and eating at the same time.

Right.

I'm going to go to work.

This is a lot of responsibility you've given me here, sir.

Don't worry, Matthew.

We're a team, walking side by side...

across the sand.

When you look back on the hard times...

and see only one set of footprints...

..those were the times...

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-..when I was getting the hell out of here.

Good luck in your life, Matthew. You'll need it.

Cheers, mate. Hang on, who was that bloke?

And why is he leaving out the fire escape, Mr Carabine?

This is the tax office, put your hands in the air!

Do you own this company?

No?

"It's like shitting and eating at the same time."

God, that is the sixth worst chat-up line I've ever used.

I am the most unfortunate man in this flat.

Right. Time to cook breakfast.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, my God. Matthew's gone to prison.

GAS IGNITION CLICKS

Ben!

No!

Ben! Ben, speak to me.

-I'm coming home.

-No you're not, mate. You're dying.

What? Oh, no.

WHY?!

Matthew's gone to prison,

Ben's dead and I messed up my chances with a really fit girl.

I can't help but think this could have all turned out differently.

Here goes nothing.

Odds. Wow.

Guys, there's no easy way of saying this,

but I'm going to start a new life in Fiji.

Fiji? But all my stuff's here.

But then I do love wearing grass skirts.

-All right, count me in.

-No, Ben.

You're not coming. I'm going with Lucy.

Lucy? What, so you're breaking up our gang for that girl that you

don't even fancy?

Well, if I can't come with you to Fiji,

you can't have any of my turnip gin.

-I don't want any of your turnip gin.

-No-one wants any of your turnip gin,

and now we're all going to have to move out.

Thanks a lot, Matthew.

Well, if this is the way you're going to behave, I'm glad I'm going.

-I'll be better off without the both of you.

-Yeah?

Well, I'm glad I'm moving out.

-I'll be better off without the both of you.

-Yeah?

Well, I'm really going to struggle,

cos I'm financially dependent on the both of you.

-Lucy.

-Matthew.

-I've made my decision. I'm coming with you!

Maybe I was wrong about you, Matthew. Maybe you are a free spirit.

There's only one thing I need these Post-it Notes for.

I quit.

Wow.

Come on, Lucy, let's get out of here.

Oh, shit!

Oh, well...

..Plan B.

Here boy. Good boy.

Sign here.

I'm home.

BEN YELPS

Who's there?

I should never have attempted an overdose with laxatives.

Come on, then!

Breakfast.

Matthyow! Let me tell you about my latest incredible idea.

We forget everything that was said last night and you don't move to Fiji.

Couldn't even be bothered to say goodbye.

Right.

Well, I'm out of here.

Ben? Can't be bothered.

GAS IGNITION CLICKS

-GAS FLARES

-Oh!

Hello. You're the guy From flat 23, aren't you?

Not any more I'm not, no.

I'm moving out.

Which is why I can say this.

Girl from flat 17, there is nothing that you can do or say

that will ever stop me from thinking you're absolutely perfect.

Well, there's, um, there's something I've got to tell you too.

Look, I pretend to be on the phone in your hallway every day,

just so I can see you.

You've been stalking me?

No, it's, uh, it's more of a very personal neighbourhood watch scheme.

It's always awkward living in the same building as the person that you fancy.

-You can't shit where you eat.

-Perfect.

Well, now I don't live here any more,

maybe I can ask you out.

Yes, you can.

And, well, I suppose I can do this.

Come on, I don't feel like going to work today.

Tom? Matthew?

What am I going to do with this now I've got no-one to drink it with?

I'll probably just give it to that old guy who lives downstairs -

that professor who works in chemical research.

MUSIC: "Changes" by David Bowie

I can't help but think this could have all turned out differently.

Here goes nothing.

It's gone under the cooker. I'll get it.

You know, maybe this is a sign.

Maybe this is too big a decision to use the dice for after all.

I can't find the dice, but I did find a loose pipe.

-I bet that's why the cooker wasn't working.

-Forget the dice.

I'm not going to move away. It'd mean breaking up the gang.

-I can't run off to Fiji just to prove a point to a girl.

-Hang on.

You were going to run off to Fiji? You'd drown!

Wait, with Lucy?

Yeah, but only to prove she was wrong about me.

Dude, you don't think about doing something like that

just to prove someone wrong.

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-It's because you love her.

-What?

Matthew loves Lucy.

Oh, my God - you're right.

Ooh, I'm right.

-Yeah, please stop doing the voice.

-I'm finding it hard to stop.

I can't believe I've been blind to it all this time.

I do love Lucy and I don't want to lose her!

-But I also don't want to lose this.

-Hey, don't worry, mate.

-There's a way to make 'em both work.

-Great. Let's make a plan.

-Yes.

But first...a drink - just the one.

-To love!

-To friendship!

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-To doing this voice!

-ALL:

-Cheers!

Oh, my God. We drank the whole barrel!

What time is it? 9.05?

Ugh...

I'm home.

Aaargh!

TOM VOMITS

Who's there?

Oh, God.

I should not have drunk any of that turnip gin.

Come on, then!

Breakfast.

Matthyow, let me tell you about my latest incredible idea...

To never drink ever again.

Oh, guys - turns out, last night, I fixed the cooker.

-Is that why we got so drunk?

-No.

-We were celebrating something else...

-Yeah, you love Lucy.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, and then we made a plan that, this morning, you were going to get

to work nice and early and stop her from leaving the country.

Oh, yeah.

Shit!

I guess I'll just go to work.

-Lucy!

-Matthew.

There's something I have to tell you.

Oh, oh, I should not have run up those stairs.

Why are your housemates here?

Moral support.

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-My mate fancies you.

Your breath smells like an arsehole.

-You should smell my arsehole.

-Lucy, listen to me.

-I'm not going with you to Fiji.

-OK.

-Wait. There's more.

I don't want you to go either. There's something I need to say.

Lucy, I think I love you.

I'm not really sure what to say.

Look, I know you think I'm a loser and I know I don't deserve you.

I just need you to know that I think you are absolutely amazing.

It's pretty moving, isn't it?

It's not that, I'm going to go to fucking prison.

If Matthew had got here earlier,

I would have signed the company over to him and now it's too late.

This is the tax office, put your hands in the air!

Wait a second.

It's you.

You're the guy from flat 23.

What are you doing here?

This is my job. I'm a tax inspector.

And I thought you were perfect!

-Right, who owns this company?

-I do.

Then you're under arrest.

All right, I admit it all - fraud, theft, indecent exposure.

I'm guilty as charged. But you have to admit that you...

You're guilty as well. You're a thief...

cos your beauty has stolen my heart.

Course you can take me away.

Take me anywhere. You're the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen.

I can't believe that Carabine pulled the girl from flat 17.

It was love at first sight.

Apparently she's got a real thing for bald men.

So she's cancelled the tax investigations.

Carabine's in the clear. What are you doing, Ben?

Tearing up the recipe for turnip gin.

Believe you me, the world is better off without that stuff.

So it's business as usual at Carabine's

and you've all still got your jobs?

-Yeah. Lucy's not going to Fiji.

-That's a good thing, right?

I don't know. I told her I loved her.

I'm worried it's going to change things between us.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Do you know what?

I don't think anything has changed.

And that's all right with me.

9.05.

Tom comes back from...the bingo.

I'm home.

BEN GRUNTS

Who's there?

I should never have had my prostate removed.

Come on, then!

Breakfast.

Matthyow! Let me tell you my latest incredible idea.

What if you could travel back in time

to one particular moment

and change your entire life?

Here goes nothing.

MUSIC: "Changes" by David Bowie