Holiday Badults

This programme contains some strong language.

# I'm hoping for sun and lots of sand so I've packed some just in case!

# We won't work, just laze around

# I'll be pissed by half past three

# That's what I do most every day So no real change for me

# Our bags are packed Our flights are booked

# Fantastic time we get

# There's just one thing I ought to say, I think you've overslept! #

ALARM CLOCK RINGS

Shit!

# Always fooling around When were young

# Time flies so fast When you're having fun

# Don't want to get old Never want to grow up. #

Ben, wake up, we're off on our holidays!

Relax, we've got hours. We're not leaving till eight, right?

Eight in the morning.

There's an eight in the morning?

Tom, are you ready?

Buenos dias, Senorita! Donde es la playa?

Tom, we're going to a Greek island.

Yeah, I know. Let me just say goodbye to my Spanish cousin.

Adios, Fernando. Gracias for coming to stay.

Me gusta el futbol y el tenis.

Ah, Fernando. For a Spaniard he speaks such limited Spanish.

-The taxi will be here at 8am.

-Shotgun!

-You can't call shotgun.

-No, Ben's holding a shotgun.

Take it off him.

What have I told you about that?

And I'm sitting in the front.

You know I get carsick if I don't...get my own way.

Now, we need to walk out that door at 8am.

Yes! Unless my new mattress hasn't arrived.

You ordered a new mattress?

Yeah, my old one kept getting wet in the night.

But don't worry, it'll delivered by 8am.

We can't wait for your new mattress to be delivered.

Yeah, neither can I! It's a Super Spring 3,000!

Can't you just go and pick it up from the depot next week?

Matthew, I'm a postman.

I know what happens to things left in the depot.

I don't want anyone sullying that mattress until I get the chance to.

Well, mattress or no mattress, we need to walk out that door

in 26 minutes exactly.

That's lucky. This show finishes in 26 minutes.

Look.

What's on next?

Jeepers! They've really kicked it up a notch on Snog, Marry, Avoid.

Series record!

Right, just a few more things to do, then we're all set.

First item, find passports.

While we're away, have you thought what you're going to do with your new pet?

Don't worry, Squinky. I've got a plan.

Yeah, why did you buy a squid?

The pet shop was selling him off cheap because he's poorly.

Six quid.

Oh, that is cheap.

No, he's a sick squid.

Six quid?! Oh, dear.

Seriously, though, I do feel rotten.

He's the last thing I have to pack.

Come on then, Squinky, in you get.

Ben, you can't take animals.

People are always saying that.

Seriously?!

They make one film and everyone goes berserk.

It's political correctness gone mad.

I was as mad as a box of frogs which, by the way,

they won't let you take on a cross-channel ferry.

Guys, have you seen our passports?

Leave that with me. I put them with all our important papers.

-Brilliant! Next item, has everybody packed?

-Yes.

-Ben?

-You said to pack all the clothes I'll need for a week, right?

Right.

Yeah. I'm packed.

What about your hand luggage?

-Gloves?

-No, the stuff you take on the plane.

Oh! Gimme a sec.

And I'm packed!

Whoa, Tom. You're going to be too heavy.

Oh, that's a bit harsh. I'm on the 5:2 diet.

I eat five breakfasts, and two dinners.

And I thought that sick squid joke was bad.

I'm talking about your luggage. You need to go through this

and take out anything that isn't essential.

Whoa. It's all essential.

-This isn't.

-It's called the Essential Michael Buble.

Find a smaller suitcase and finish packing. And get those passports.

Right, next item, take out the recycling.

Tom, I've just remembered, we need an international adapter plug.

OK!

Folks.

We'd like to take a minute to plug this international adapter,

suitable for 2-pin, 3-pin and 10-pin.

Call now.

Is it going to be like this all the way through?

Right, next item, call the bank and tell them I'm going away on holiday.

It's always such a bitter-sweet experience,

I hate waiting on hold but I love the music of Sigur Ros.

Their lyrics really speak to me.

SIGUR ROS HOLD MUSIC PLAYS

MATTHEW SINGS TERRIBLY

So true. In the meantime, clean out the fridge.

Oh, did that yesterday. Check.

You cleaned out the fridge? You threw out my vintage ham.

And my retro yoghurt.

In a couple of years they were going to be worth millions.

That is an episode of Antiques Roadshow I do not want to see.

Right, defrost the freezer.

So there's snow.

Yeah, actually, I can only think of one word for it.

Christmas sprinkles? God's dandruff?

No, no-one calls it that.

Snow?

I said that one.

BOTH: Aaah!

Better forget the freezer.

Look what I've found!

That's perfect! It's exactly the right size for the plane.

Oh, it's perfect all right.

-Ta-da!

-Wow.

-The old magic show. Let's see if I've still got it.

Oh, I've still got it.

Tom, we do not have time for magic.

I've not used this since that talent show on our first ever

holiday together - Torquay, 1995.

And we certainly haven't got time for a flashback!

Too late!

Boppin's Holiday Camp had everything.

Arcades, go-karts, a ball pool,

until that kid drowned and they replaced it with a whack-a-mole.

But the main attraction was that talent show.

OK, I can see you guys are going to need something a little bit

more impressive.

How about some escapology?

Take one strait jacket, one straight guy and chuck in a tank of nine piranhas!

And I woke up in A&E to find out I hadn't won.

It was a travesty.

The real travesty was...me not winning.

Good evening, ladies and gentleman.

Tonight, I am going to be reading some of my very own...poetry.

BOOING AND HISSING

And I woke up in A&E to find out I hadn't won.

But the greatest travesty of all was...

I won, with my gravity-defying acrobatics display.

MUSIC: "Ace of Spades" by Motorhead

That should have been me.

It should have been me. You messed up your trick.

I didn't even get a chance.

Your poems were crap, mate.

"I sat on a spoon, I went to the moon"?

They were a little bit better than that.

And face it, you're crap at magic.

It took you 52 tries to guess my card.

In a way, that's actually more impressive.

You were awful.

He is called the Amazing Tom.

He gave himself that name.

Right, I propose a rematch, right here, right now. Poems versus magic.

-What?!

-Winner gets shotgun.

The taxi driver is minutes away. We're supposed to going on holiday.

-Was that your first poem?

-No!

Thank God for that, that was really good.

I'm not having this rematch, now get packing.

Tumble dryer has finished, that means we've got 15 minutes left!

Oh, I was worried they'd shrink.

Check!

Well, Squinky, if I can't take you with me,

I can at least make sure you've got plenty of food.

Squid food, one small scoop per day. Warning: Do not overfeed. Hm.

Best be careful, then.

There you go.

That's for today.

And that's for Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, that's for the weekend.

Now don't eat it all at once, or it'll go straight to your eight hips.

Jesus Christ.

Still on hold.

"You are currently in a queue."

It's like my call isn't important to them.

"Your call IS important to us."

What a relief.

OK. Quick question about beachwear, is it wrong to wear a thong?

It's like someone's garrotted a sausage roll.

I mean, come on, is it really that bad?

It looks like gift-wrapped giblets.

Besides, you don't need to worry about beachwear. There's no beach.

What? There's no beach?

No, but this holiday has plenty more to offer.

For example, you should definitely pack for a visit to a fully operational quarry.

Why do we always have to go on such shitty holidays?

Hang on. You've only booked two rooms?

Don't worry, I've worked it out, I'm in the single, you two are in the twin.

No, no, no, I've got a better idea, I'm in the single,

you and Tom are in the twin.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I've worked out you and I share the twin, Tom's in the single.

-Yes!

-Perfect!

-Brilliant!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on, why does no-one want to share with me?

Allow me to explain using the following allegory.

A farmer wants to cross a river, he has a chicken, a bag of grain and a fox.

Now, the chicken and the bag of grain both think the fox is a dick.

-Whoa!

-I'm sorry, am I the chicken or the farmer?

I tell you what, I'll be selfless.

I'll take one for the team. I'll allow you to share with Ben.

Yes!

And I'll be in the single room, with its en-suite and air conditioning...

-Hang on.

-Don't worry, Ben, you still get to be the farmer.

Yes!

Worked like a charm.

Right, Tom, where are those passports?

I keep telling you, Matthew, I put them with our important papers.

What important papers?

The Times, The Mirror, The Telegraph.

That big pile of important papers in the hallway.

That's the recycling.

You put our passports in the recycling?

But I took the recycling out this morning because today is...

Bin Day!

Fucking cretins.

-I'd better finish packing.

-Well, I've done my hand luggage.

-What's in there?

-Just a few of my favourite things.

My massive scissors, a firework banger, this starter pistol,

a rusty coat hanger, throwing knives, acid, a glass jar of pills,

a bottle of liquid over 100ml.

-You can't take any of that on.

-You're kidding me? Why?

Because of all the security threats.

When was the last time you watched the news?

Let me see. Ah, September the 10th, 2001. What have I missed?

Google it.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Delivery for Tom?

Ah, my mattress has arrived and with time to spare.

Do you know, for some reason, I thought this delivery would turn out to be humorously problematic.

Sign here, please, mate.

Whoa, wait a minute. This isn't my mattress.

Are you sure?

Yeah. This one's made out of memory foam. Listen!

I remember the good old days.

There used to be four posts on a bed.

Go and get me a Super Spring 3,000 and deliver it immediately.

But it's a 12 minute round trip!

There's still time.

All right, I'll go and pick it up from the depot.

Hey, don't even think about interfering with my mattress!

I grabbed as many bags as I could.

They've got to be in one of these!

See, I told you no good would come of this recycling fad.

Oh, retro yoghurt.

DOOR BELL RINGS

Well, that hasn't been 12 minutes.

Ah, you must be the taxi driver.

You talking to me? You talking to me?

Seriously, are you talking to me?

I can't hear that well, I'm... Wait a second, I'll turn this up.

That's better, right.

You better come in.

So, are you ready to go?

I tried to call but your phone's been engaged all morning.

-Has it?

-Don't hang up!

You're through to Bankwell.

If you have a problem with your current account, type one.

If you have diabetes, type two.

If you'd like to hear more Sigur Ros, type three.

Matthew, we haven't got time for this. Look, the taxi driver's here.

Just give me two minutes. I need to find the passports. Don't touch that.

-Well, make yourself at home.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

So, going on your holidays, eh?

What, what are you doing?

Sorry, force of habit.

This is why I never read the news! Terrorists. Hijackers.

Bombs in shoes? There is no way I'm going to an airport.

Ben, calm down. The odds on a terrorist attack are tiny.

-Really?

-Really.

I mean, statistically,

most plane crashes are due to mechanical failure.

Google it.

-You guys are going to be late.

-Ah, yes.

I need to finish packing.

Hey, is that some sort of magic show?

-I love a bit of magic.

-Really?

Yeah, yeah, before I got the cab I was the bar manager at the Magic Circle.

Oh. Well in that case, prepare to be amazed.

Hey, give me that back!

Right, only one more bag to check.

Probably should have started with this one.

Jackpot! Here they are.

We nearly got recycled.

At least we're doing our bit for the environment.

Come on, mate, cheer up.

We're passport photos. We're not allowed to smile.

Almost ready to go on holiday.

To check your bank balance, type three, seven.

To check your physical balance, stand on one leg.

Where's Tom?

MUSIC: "A Kind of Magic" by Queen.

Tom, we haven't got time for this!

Time? When you witness The Amazing Tom, time stands still!

Well, it certainly seems to slow down.

What's the matter, Matthew? Scared you're not going to get shotgun?

No, I'm scared we're going to miss our plane. Now, I've printed the boarding passes...

-Ah-ha!

-No, no, no, we need them to fly!

Oh, do we need them to fly, Matthew?

Or do we need them...

to fly!

You've torn up our boarding passes.

Yeah, they were supposed to turn into doves.

Has anyone got any Sellotape so I can magic them back together?

For the final time, Tom, you cannot do magic!

Now go to your room and finish packing!

Oh, now I'm going to have to print off these boarding passes again.

I ain't getting on no plane! I just Googled it.

Engine failure, broken landing gear,

faulty wings - not to mention the prices.

Seven quid for a tiny beer. We're all going to die.

Sober.

Ach, don't be scared of air travel.

Who are you?

Statistically, it's one of the safest modes of transportation.

-Really?

-Really. Nah, it's the roads that are dangerous.

I should know. I'm a taxi driver.

You're much more likely to crash in my car on the way to the airport.

Google it.

"I sat on a spoon and went to the moon..."

Whoa, no. No, don't read that.

-That's just some rubbish poetry someone wrote ages ago.

-I don't know. I think it's rather good.

I love a bit of poetry.

Really? Because I wrote it.

Ah, well, you see, before I had the cab I was,

in fact, Editor in Chief of the Times Literary Supplement.

Oh, just, just out of interest,

would you say that my poems were better than Tom's magic show?

Eh... I think we should be leaving now.

Just answer the question. Quick yes or no, then we're out the door.

Yeah, well, I mean, it's pretty verse, yes, em,

but Tom, he's a real showman, isn't he?

Wait right there!

One more packing decision left to make - Ellis-Bextor or Dahl?

It's a real Sophie's Choice

I hate living here.

I'll pack them both.

My mind will unwind, to find a kind of bind.

Unwind. Then rewind. Bacon rind.

Very good.

Whoa. What the hell's going on here?

Oh, the taxi driver was just saying how much he enjoyed my poetry.

-I thought I'd treat him to a quick recital.

-Yeah?

Well, he didn't enjoy it as much as he enjoys my magic.

Abracada-bra.

Actually, I think he preferred it.

Yeah, it does rhyme really well.

Thank you! No-one ever picks up on that.

There is no way his poems are better.

And I can prove it.

If you want to make your flight, we have to leave in five minutes.

We know, we know. The clock is ticking.

So is my meter.

I'm not going. It's too dangerous.

If it's not terrorists, it's the plane.

If it's not the plane, it's the taxi.

Oh, no, Ben, have you been Googling things?

I'm staying here at home, safe as can be.

But you've got to come on the holiday.

It's all booked and paid for.

And, besides, when you think about it, nowhere's really safe.

I mean, the house isn't safe. Germs. Bacteria.

Statistically, the house is the least safe place you can be.

Google it.

No, don't Google it! Oh!

Time for something a bit more impressive.

How about some escapology?

I love escapology.

Oh, ho, well, prepare to be impressed. Ta da!

No, Tom! We've got to go on holiday!

-He's not getting out of there, is he?

-Nope.

Oh, God, what's wrong with the printer now?

Oh, no. Oh, God. We're out of ink. What are we going to do?

Ink. Think. Ink. Think. Ink. Think.

Ice rink.

Oh, why does poetic inspiration always strike in a crisis?

All right, young lad, where's the key?

MUFFLED SPEECH

-You swallowed it.

-Mm-hmm.

-Why?

-MUFFLED SPEECH

Yeah, of course, good magicians never explain their tricks, do they?

That's all right.

We need to find a way to get some ink.

You can just print new ones at the airport.

Who doesn't know that? Idiot!

Squinky.

Sorry, mate. I've got no other option.

No, no, man. At the airport. No, no, print them at the airport!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Ink.

Right, you sort your mate in the box, I'll sort the printer, OK?

I'm a dab hand.

Before I got the cab, I used to work at News International.

Can't really talk about it.

Tom, come on, we've got to go on holiday.

MUFFLED SPEECH

No, we can't put you through as excess baggage.

Right. I'm ready. Ready to face the house. There are germs everywhere.

I'm going to quarantine myself in my room.

All I need now is Squinky.

Squinky?

The germs must have got to him.

The house IS contaminated.

I've made a mess but I've done it.

Your hands. You're infected.

Calm down, Ben.

It's spread to Matthew!

You've got the black plague.

Get back! Both of you!

The whole house is contaminated.

It's not safe to stay.

But then it's not save to leave!

Come back in here, Ben.

Leave me alone! I'm staying out here.

It's the only place where I can be certain I'm safe.

-Ben!

-I'm OK.

Tom's mattress has arrived

Oh, that's lucky.

There's more. The shock of the fall has restarted Squinky's heart.

-He's alive.

-Very lucky.

To speak to a real person, type 492.

Finally.

-You're through to Bankwell.

-Hello, it's Matthew.

-I'm off on holiday today.

-Yeah. Tell someone who cares.

Boarding passes are printed.

One Super Spring 3,000!

Ben, are you OK?

I feel great. I'm not scared any more.

If I can survive that, I'm pretty sure I can survive anything.

And with Squinky back, we're squids in!

He's ink-redible.

You know what? I wish I was dead.

Let's go on holiday.

Forget it. We can't.

There's still one massive problem and he's stuck in that trunk.

Why couldn't you just admit you can't do magic?

Because, Matthew, I can do magic.

Ta-da!

Wow! That was almost as good as my poetry.

Can I just say something?

I've seen some wonderful things in your flat this morning.

Matthew, I loved your poetry, son.

And, Tom, that was one of the most amazing,

and unrealistic magic tricks I've ever seen.

But the best thing I saw by a country mile was the way that

Ben leapt off the balcony onto the mattress and bounced back up.

It was a gravity-defying display of acrobatics par excellence.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Well, you see, before I had the cab I was a committee member for the Commonwealth Games.

So, Ben, I bestow on you the greatest honour it is

possible for a taxi driver to bestow.

You can sit in the front seat.

But I can't drive.

Tom, that trick was incredible.

-How did you do it?

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

A good magician never explains his tricks.

Yeah, but you must have had some sort of body double or something, right?

A body double? How would that have worked?

Forgive me, my cousin.

Right. Let's go on holiday!

# Our bags are packed Our flights are booked

-# I did a magic show

-I read my poems

-# I bounced around

-So on holiday we go. #

RINGING

Aw, for fuck's sake.