Pie and Prejudice Being Human


Pie and Prejudice

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Transcript


LineFromTo

And whoever impresses me most

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will be named Employee of the Month.

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Imagine having a CV. I just wanted to better myself,

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broaden me horizons, and this was going to be it.

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You need to freshen up, my love.

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Why don't you go take a dip in the sea?

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My name is Dominic Rook.

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My job is to maintain the illusion that man is alone.

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Your department will be dissolved,

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its responsibilities handed to Special Branch.

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Then God help us all.

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Still feeling the benefits

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of that lovely little ridge of high pressure.

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And, oh, do my eyes deceive me?

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Sunshine? 37 degrees?

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I'll take it.

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Time to dust off that bikini and hit the beach

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And Larry Chrysler will see you there.

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This programme contains violent scenes, strong language and scenes of a sexual nature.

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'And we're out.'

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Sorry, what the galloping balls was that?

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I'm not stupid. I know exactly what's going on here.

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You only have so many "poor performances"

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before it starts to look a lot like sabotage.

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-'It was fine, Larry.'

-No, Trevor, that was a shambles.

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The only thing that saved that sorry sack of shit was my bikini line.

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The line I said, not...

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Look, I'm watching.

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Don't you worry. I'm watching.

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'That's the point.'

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No, love, that is very much the point.

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Nicholas Cage does not use that particular model of Jacuzzi.

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'Mr Cage has purchased several hot tubs...'

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Yes, he may well use your brand of Jacuzzis,

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but that's not an after-dinner anecdote I can use.

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I bought your product for one purpose and one purpose only,

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to point at and say, "That is the exact Jacuzzi

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"owned by Hollywood film star, Nicholas Cage."

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Look, love, no offence, but is there a man there I can talk to?

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-'Um, unfortunately...'

-Shit, hang on. Hang on.

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'..there's nobody else available.'

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'Mr Chrysler?'

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'Hello?'

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SNARLING

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'Mr Chrysler, are you still there?'

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'Hello?'

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'Are you OK?''

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-'Mr Chrysler?'

-I'll call you back.

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SNARLING

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I've been here just as long as you.

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-I don't know why they made you manager and not me.

-It's acting manager,

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and I have no idea, Tom. I wasn't privy to the deliberations.

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There, it's because you say "privy" and you don't mean the bogs.

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It's just a title, Tom. It doesn't change a thing.

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-Will you please stop that? It's unsanitary.

-I know.

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What happened to that Patsy bird anyway? Did she just walk out?

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She was always highly strung,

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clearly the pressure got too much for her.

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But I'm sure she'll be back soon

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and we can return to our original roles and responsibilities.

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Until then, it will be, "Tom, can you help out on reception?"

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"Tom, Mrs Smith left her key in her room, can you let her in?"

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You know that's your job anyway?

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Because I won't put up with it, Hal!

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For starters, it's a full moon tonight, I'm having the night off.

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I'm just going to walk out, go home.

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And what are you going to do about it, eh?

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-You can't.

-Unbelievable.

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No, I mean I knew that, so I scheduled you the night off.

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Did you hear that then? Did you hear it? And so it begins.

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MUSIC

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Werewolf.

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Testes one, two. Testes one, two.

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Little bit bassy, but we can live with it.

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So, what are the lighting choices? What have we got to play with?

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Me?

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On.

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OK.

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And off.

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OK. Let's go with on.

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The hotel door closed behind me, didn't have a key.

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Locked out in the corridors of The Dorchester, London.

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Not quite full monty. Calm down, ladies.

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Still had on my dressing gown over a pair of pants.

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But it took me 25 minutes to get another key.

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-LAUGHS

-Hilarious.

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I'm reminded of the time I met my wonderful wife,

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winner of Miss Avon and Somerset 1992, '94. All the same person.

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Don't worry, I'm not a Mormon.

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Double the nagging. Who needs it?

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We met at a wild party after Children In Need. Erm...

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when we met there were certainly sparks,

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because I reversed my BMW six series into her Renault Clio.

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Our bumpers kissed and then our mouths...

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kissed.

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DISTANT COUGHING

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That was great.

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I spotted you soon as you walked in. Did you spot me?

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I can't say that I did, but I can certainly see you now.

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So where do you change?

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Er, in the dressing room. Sorry, I'm a little bit busy right now.

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That's a lovely jacket.

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-My name's Tom. Your name's Larry, seen it on your sign.

-Well done.

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So, what do you want? Money, a date, an autograph? What?

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I'll have the last one if it's OK.

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And there it is. Who do I make it out to?

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Tom McNair. M, small C. Big N. And then air. Like, 'air.'

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There you go. So, what next?

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I'm guessing straight on EBay.

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Because I check.

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I always check.

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I think it's great you're famous.

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I didn't know we could be famous. I can't get over it.

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'A response from the Secretary of State.'

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'Placing Value Uppermost does exactly what it says on the tin.

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'This isn't about cuts.

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'This is about identifying those departments

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'that simply aren't pulling their weight and reallocating...

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'..departments within the civil service.

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'The Placing...'

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Hal's got a girlfriend.

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I have not "got a girlfriend".

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He's visiting a girl.

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And judging from that get up, she's got a very good sense of humour.

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Lady Mary is simply an acquaintance, nothing more.

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Wow.

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An acquaintance with the Lady Mary? Ha, that's prison slang, surely?

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No hanging out with fangs, Hal. Them's the rules.

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Please don't call us that. Lady Mary is not a vampire.

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She is a ghost, who died, some years ago.

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Wait a minute. You know a ghost?

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Another female ghost and you didn't tell me?

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Because I knew there was no point. You really wouldn't get on.

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I think that's for me and my new best mate Mary to decide, don't you?

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Absolutely not.

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Lady Mary is a shy, fragile creature,

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with an innocence I am determined to protect.

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What, you think I would corrupt her?

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I think you'd corrupt Keith Richards. So, if you don't mind?

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Told you. Girlfriend.

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It is a pleasure to receive you as always, Lord Harry.

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Since your last visit we have gained several invigorating new exhibits,

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including an enchanting selection of pottery from the colonies.

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Wonderful. I shall look forward to perusing them in due course.

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-Boo!

-SHE LAUGHS

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His face. Shat you right up.

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Alex. How's it going?

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Ooh, hold that thought!

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I thought we decided you were staying at home?

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YOU decided I'd be staying at home, but I decided to ignore you.

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Oh, come on, Hal, stop being all Hal about this.

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I've got no-one to talk to about ghost stuff.

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And I swear, I won't swear.

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Lady Mary, allow me to introduce Alex,

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a new ghost of my acquaintance.

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I see. And I take it you two are, um...

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..I'm not sure what the modern parlance is...

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What?

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-Shagging?

-THEY LAUGH

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-God, no. No way...

-Nothing of the sort.

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Friends and nothing more,

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in fact, we share our abode with a lycanthrope.

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That is one crazy big dress, isn't it?

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Still, I suppose it saves you shaving your legs, right?

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Have you got any guillotines or stuff?

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Oh, is there a dungeon in here?

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My God, this place is so cool.

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Lady Mary, I offer my sincerest apologies.

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Not at all. No. She has a...

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a boisterous charm that has awoken the teacher in me.

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I almost wish my finishing school were still open.

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I fear she is beyond the help of even your prodigious talents.

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-Then I accept your wager.

-My what?

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The carving really is quite exquisite.

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In addition, we have gained a new ivory comb and a Moroccan footstool.

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-No, seriously, what?

-Mistress Alex.

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I feel we have so much to learn from one another,

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-though we have hardly conversed.

-Yes, totally.

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And as it seems that Lord Harry has other

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urgent business to attend to, it appears we shall have that chance.

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What?

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Yes.

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I have business, urgent business...

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to go and do.

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But, it is my fervent hope that you will both become better acquainted.

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A sentiment I echo.

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Lord Harry.

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Lady Mary.

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God.

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Haunting a stately home.

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Shit, that must be brilliant.

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I mean, sorry, not "shit". Um...

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"Bums?" You all right?

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Yes. I am curious, Lord Harry, has he...?

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Oh yeah, yeah. He's gone.

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Oh, thank fuck for that.

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-What?

-God, it's just such hard work keeping it up, you know?

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All that 'thee and thou' bollocks.

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-It gets on my tits.

-You're not...

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You're not posh?

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-SHE YAWNS

-Oh, let's get out of here.

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The place bored me to frigging tears even when I was alive.

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But now I have a playmate.

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Come on, let's go, have some fun.

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DISTANT TELEPHONE RINGING

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-Mr Chrysler.

-I missed the fried breakfast,

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so technically, I'm just taking what's due to me.

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I was under the impression that you were leaving us today. However...

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Don't know where you got that idea from.

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My management company specifically stated

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there was one week's full stay included in the rider.

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Well, whoever's error it is, it's very unfortunate.

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Going out tonight, Mr Chrysler?

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Maybe.

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Be sure to vacate your room by tomorrow morning.

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Well, that's fine.

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Be good to get back on the road. Get some miles on the clock.

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Hotel living can be a little bit soulless.

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You know what I mean?

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Thanks again.

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CLUB MUSIC

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So you put it all on, just for Hal?

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It wasn't always an act.

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When he first started visiting me,

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I actually was that curtseying fuckwit.

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So, you and Hal, what's the deal?

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I told you, we're just mates.

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I mean, we kind of had a date once, but...

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it didn't go too well.

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I laddered my tights on the way there,

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then I had to run back and get changed and...

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then I got killed by a vampire.

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Shit the bed.

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So, you kind of had a thing,

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you got killed and now you and Hal live together?

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Yeah.

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-Mm-hm.

-Oh, fuck off!

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"Had a kind of a thing."

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"Mates". What is he like?! Ooh.

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Shit.

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SHE LAUGHS

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OK, so, apparently, she is secretly shagging him,

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but he's the boyfriend of her.

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You can read their minds?

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Isn't that a bit like reading someone's diary?

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It's brilliant, isn't it?

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So it's fair to say you've changed over the years?

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Mmm. Doesn't everyone?

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I mean, I read. I watch TV. I keep up with the world.

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It just looks a bit bloody weird,

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because I'm dressed like a cake decoration.

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-She knows!

-LAUGHS

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And she's one Bacardi Breezer away from twatting her.

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Oops!

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GIRL GASPS

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Fucking bitch!

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THEY SHOUT OVER EACH OTHER

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Go for her! Fight, fight, fight! Fight, fight, fight!

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Woo, woo, woo, woo!

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-Mr Chrysler.

-What?

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It's you, again. All right?

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-You off to go and drag your chicken round in a circle?

-Excuse me?

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I've got a cellar.

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Awesome.

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SHE RETCHES

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Well, she's faking it

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and he's thinking about his ex, but he's almost there.

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Come on, you're going to miss it,

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he's not exactly a long-distance runner.

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Do you know what? I think I'm just going to pass.

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Suit yourself. Oh, God, here we go.

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LOUD MUSIC AND MOANING

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WOLF HOWLS

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I've got my own cellar now. A lot less faff.

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Yes, the cellar. You're very pleased with your cellar, aren't you?

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Look at the state of you.

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No offence, but I know the signs.

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Woke up in the woods then, yes?

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Yes, bit of a crazy night last night, actually. Um...

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some of the people from the show dragged me out to a club and...

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absolute carnage, had about four pints.

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Then a casino, fell in with a stag do...

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Nice lads, but I lost a bet, so here we are.

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I think I can hear my pager.

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It's all right, you know.

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What do you mean?

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I'm a werewolf too.

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Suppose it's understandable -

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if you've never met any other werewolves, how would you know

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how to spot them - us? I can't stop thinking about your talk.

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All the things that you've done... and bought.

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I was just wondering if you had any like, you know,

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like, pointers for me?

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I'm a werewolf too, but I've never lived anywhere posh like you.

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I live in a house now, but I ain't got it all to myself.

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I have to share it with a couple of friends.

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I used to live in a van in the woods with me dad.

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We'd move about, keep a low profile

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and, well, just live off the land, really.

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-What did you say?

-I used to live in a van in the woods with me dad.

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Before that.

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Erm, I'm a werewolf but I've never lived anywhere posh like you?

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-After that. You said something about living in a house with people.

-Yeah.

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-Do they know what you are?

-Yeah. Totally.

-And they don't mind?

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-Well, they've got their own things going on.

-So...

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-You want to know about the secret of my success?

-Yeah.

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Half of me thinks it's impossible.

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Half of me thinks it would be selfish not to pass on my wisdom.

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And yet, the other half just wants to throw caution to the wind.

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-That's three halves.

-Oh, you're good. Ha-ha! Real good.

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So, this house of yours, how big is it, exactly?

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-We need to talk about Mary.

-I did say you'd find her a little dull.

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"Dull" is not the word I would use.

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Erm, "Crazy sordid batshit shocking" is more the flavour.

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I'm sorry, is this some new youth slang for "boring"?

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-I do try to keep up...

-Mary is not who you think she is, Hal.

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The whole posh totty thing - it's just an act.

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-Why on earth would she do that?

-I don't know and I don't care.

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But what I'm worried about is the fact that she's been stuck here

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for 200 years and it's turned her into a total frothing loon.

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Is that what's going to happen to me?

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Look, even if you don't pass over for...

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..a while, I'm sure you'd cope with it admirably.

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You and Mary are completely different people after all.

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Had a thing with you.

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Got killed. Stuck here as a ghost. But mates now.

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Does that ring any bells?

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-You all right, Tom?

-I'm fine. Are you? Ooh.

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Is that somebody at the door?

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BUZZER RINGS

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Tom. My young apprentice.

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Larry, come on in, mate.

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Alex, Hal, this is Larry - the werewolf who did the talk.

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-Greetings. Larry Chrysler.

-Hi.

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Very nice. The room. Love the place.

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Buffet monitor. Good to see you again.

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Larry's going to teach me how to become a successful werewolf.

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-How d'you feel about that, Hal?

-Good for you, Tom.

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Yeah, it is good for me, Tom.

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-So, am I to take it you're both werewolves as well?

-No.

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-I'm a vampire.

-And I'm a ghost.

-Very good.

0:18:180:18:20

I can see what you're doing there. Using humour to break to the ice.

0:18:200:18:24

-Great stuff.

-So, I see you've brought a suitcase.

0:18:240:18:28

Yeah, well, my tutoring can be quite time intensive.

0:18:280:18:30

We thought rather than a lot of coming and going,

0:18:300:18:32

I'd just stay here for a while.

0:18:320:18:35

-Er, yeah. Larry's going to stay here for a while to train me.

-Great.

0:18:350:18:40

-The more the merrier!

-You're not the boss of me here, Hal.

0:18:400:18:43

-I can do what I like.

-Yes, I know, I said it was great.

0:18:430:18:47

So?

0:18:490:18:50

-Oh.

-Great to meet you both.

0:18:540:18:56

I didn't know you wanted to stay.

0:18:580:19:00

I thought we'd discussed it, hadn't we? I'm sure we did.

0:19:000:19:03

-We were thinking it, anyway.

-Because of the training?

-Yeah. Yeah.

0:19:030:19:07

-The training. Lots of it.

-Great stuff. When do we start?

0:19:070:19:11

-Like, is there a manual or something?

-Yes. Of course there is.

0:19:110:19:15

A vital component of the programme.

0:19:150:19:18

Now, er, this is the most important book you'll ever own.

0:19:180:19:21

Er, truly got me where I am today. This book is now your bible.

0:19:210:19:28

I want you to live it, breathe it, sleep with it under your pillow...

0:19:280:19:32

-I'm just saying it's a good book.

-Oh. Wow. Thanks, Larry.

0:19:320:19:38

-You say your dad taught you a few things?

-Yeah, um...

0:19:380:19:42

only steal from big shops, there's good eating on rabbit,

0:19:420:19:45

and underpants inside out buys you an extra week.

0:19:450:19:49

Essential life lessons. Anything about becoming a success?

0:19:490:19:52

-Making something of yourself?

-Nah, not really.

0:19:520:19:55

It were more about whittling and not starving to death.

0:19:550:20:00

He were amazing though, me dad.

0:20:000:20:02

We were hardly ever out of each other's sight.

0:20:020:20:04

He protected me from the world. A bit too much, maybe.

0:20:040:20:07

I don't know, I just want to make him proud.

0:20:070:20:10

And I get dead frustrated when I can't,

0:20:100:20:12

and I get things wrong and that.

0:20:120:20:14

Tom. Open that door.

0:20:160:20:18

Did you see him go?

0:20:230:20:24

-Old Tom, failure Tom - he's left the building.

-Oh, right. See ya!

0:20:240:20:31

No, no, Tom. Shun him. Shun him.

0:20:310:20:34

Shun him.

0:20:340:20:36

Now, let's get down to basics. Clothes maketh the man.

0:20:380:20:43

-How would you like this suit, Tom?

-To keep?

0:20:430:20:46

You just give me your suit?

0:20:460:20:48

It's important, vitally important, to make a good first impression.

0:20:490:20:54

-And this little baby has done wonders for me.

-Oh, cheers, Larry.

0:20:540:20:57

Giving me all this stuff.

0:20:570:20:59

-I feel like I should give you something in return.

-Ha-ha. No.

0:20:590:21:02

Not necessary. Seriously.

0:21:020:21:04

Having said that, there is one thing you could help me with.

0:21:040:21:07

-Yeah, anything.

-Well, obviously, I need to buy a new suit now.

0:21:070:21:10

And I've got a bit of a cash flow issue over the next few days.

0:21:100:21:13

So...I'm transferring money between banks. You know how it is.

0:21:130:21:17

But if you could maybe lend me, say... £150?

0:21:170:21:20

I've got some savings...

0:21:200:21:23

Actually, forget it. I'm embarrassed for even asking.

0:21:230:21:26

I'll think of something, don't worry.

0:21:260:21:28

I don't know what, exactly, but something will turn up.

0:21:280:21:32

I'll help you out, Larry.

0:21:320:21:33

-But it's just a loan though, yeah? For a few days?

-Absolutely.

0:21:330:21:37

Absol-Larry-lutely.

0:21:370:21:38

-Yeah.

-Tom?

-Hello, Hal.

0:21:530:21:54

I've just come to congratulate you on your new position of manager.

0:21:540:21:58

Thank you, Tom. Is that Larry's suit?

0:22:030:22:06

You're not the only one who can wear a suit, Hally.

0:22:060:22:09

I got this printed off at the library.

0:22:090:22:13

-"Tom McNair Incorporated"?

-Yep.

0:22:130:22:15

I think you're supposed to put something else on there

0:22:170:22:20

like a phone number or an e-mail.

0:22:200:22:21

I'll call you. Yeah, there's a new player in town.

0:22:210:22:25

And he's got the skills

0:22:250:22:26

and the looks and the motivation and the skills.

0:22:260:22:29

-He's got the whole package.

-Quite.

0:22:290:22:32

Everything OK with your breakfast?

0:22:360:22:38

How's things, all right? Ange, Ange!

0:22:380:22:41

Yeah, he were really impressed.

0:22:440:22:46

I did the power handshake, gave him me card, erm, interrupted him.

0:22:460:22:50

I mean, that's three ingredients for success pie right there, innit?

0:22:500:22:54

-Success pie?

-Yeah, the book. Chapter Four: Success Pie.

0:22:540:22:59

Ah, the book. Of course. Now, your next life lesson.

0:22:590:23:02

Take this and go and put the windscreen through that BMW

0:23:020:23:05

-over there.

-Whose car is it?

0:23:050:23:07

Let's say it's your competitor, who has stolen your assets

0:23:070:23:11

and voted you off the board.

0:23:110:23:13

Yeah, but whose car is it really?

0:23:130:23:15

Mine.

0:23:150:23:17

Stolen by my bitch of an ex-wife.

0:23:170:23:19

Who is currently spending my money tanning herself in that spa

0:23:190:23:22

so she can look even more like the leather handbag, which I bought. Ha!

0:23:220:23:26

-The irony makes me want to puke.

-Your ex-wife?

0:23:260:23:29

Miss Thingy '92 and '94?

0:23:290:23:32

One and the same. Although 1992 was a long time ago,

0:23:320:23:35

-as one look at her will plainly tell you.

-I don't think I can do this.

0:23:350:23:38

I thought you wanted to learn how to climb the mountain of success?

0:23:380:23:41

I don't think smashing the windscreen is going to help me

0:23:410:23:43

-climb the mountain of success or eat success pie, is it?

-Tom.

0:23:430:23:46

Sometimes you have to do regrettable things to get to the top.

0:23:460:23:49

And when you do, your old dad will be looking down and smiling.

0:23:490:23:52

Not if I do this he won't.

0:23:520:23:54

Maybe you're right. I'm pushing you too quickly.

0:23:540:23:56

Just go and let her tyres down, and we'll say no more about it.

0:23:560:23:59

Go on.

0:24:010:24:03

All of them.

0:24:060:24:07

It's simple, really.

0:24:110:24:12

I go off and have adventures and just make sure I'm back here

0:24:120:24:16

in time for all the "Prithee Lord Harry" bullshit.

0:24:160:24:19

But why? That's what I don't understand...

0:24:190:24:21

-And what about your unfinished business?

-Oh, that's all sorted.

0:24:210:24:25

Something about library books. No, I've had loads of doors appear.

0:24:250:24:28

-I just turn them down.

-What? Why?

0:24:280:24:32

Hal. He needs me.

0:24:320:24:34

I know he's got you and there's been Pearl and Annie, and those

0:24:340:24:38

are just the ones I can remember,

0:24:380:24:40

but me and Hal have something special.

0:24:400:24:43

-Something no-one else could ever understand.

-Which is?

0:24:430:24:47

I keep him clean! Seeing me once a year stops him from killing.

0:24:470:24:52

And has kept him from killing for more than two centuries.

0:24:520:24:56

-What do you mean?

-I was his last victim.

-Is that what he told you?

0:24:560:25:02

Yes.

0:25:020:25:04

You know what? It's not my business.

0:25:080:25:10

But I...just really don't think that all these lies are that healthy.

0:25:110:25:16

Just tell him who you really are.

0:25:170:25:20

But what if he doesn't want the new me?

0:25:200:25:22

Oh.

0:25:230:25:25

Sometimes, when he looks at me, it's like...

0:25:250:25:28

..it's just on the tip of his tongue.

0:25:310:25:34

Yeah, you two really need to have a talk.

0:25:350:25:38

No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not ready.

0:25:380:25:43

OK, listen. You've shown me your world. How about I show you mine?

0:25:430:25:48

-Y'know, come see my gaff?

-OK.

0:25:490:25:53

SHRIEKING

0:25:580:25:59

Cheers.

0:26:050:26:06

-Larry. Might I have a quick word?

-Shoot.

0:26:070:26:13

I was just wondering how Tom's lessons were progressing?

0:26:150:26:20

Yeah, very... We're at a delicate stage. We're breaking down barriers.

0:26:200:26:25

-To replace them with?

-Bridges. Castles. Affordable housing.

0:26:250:26:30

Actually, there's something I've been meaning to ask you -

0:26:300:26:33

-did you ever meet Tom's father?

-No, I never had that pleasure.

0:26:330:26:36

But I'm right in thinking they kept him away from people?

0:26:360:26:39

-And that Tom was home schooled?

-That was my understanding.

0:26:390:26:42

Although I don't think McNair's lessons were exactly conventional.

0:26:420:26:45

You must take some of the credit, of course,

0:26:450:26:48

for helping Tom adjust to society.

0:26:480:26:49

Tom's been very resourceful in that area.

0:26:490:26:52

Sorry, are you saying you haven't taught him anything?

0:26:520:26:55

I mean, you're obviously a man of breeding and intelligence,

0:26:550:26:57

whereas Tom was almost literally raised by wolves.

0:26:570:26:59

That's something of a sweeping statement.

0:26:590:27:01

And yet you felt no compulsion to pass on any of your... No, fine.

0:27:010:27:07

Not really my place. Unbelievable.

0:27:070:27:09

I suppose the greatest test of a teacher's work is

0:27:090:27:12

whether the student thrives without them.

0:27:120:27:15

It'll be interesting to see Tom implement all the things

0:27:160:27:18

you've taught him...

0:27:180:27:20

..once you've gone.

0:27:210:27:22

Once all of this is over.

0:27:250:27:27

It's a big house.

0:27:300:27:31

But not that big.

0:27:330:27:35

How odd you must find our little set up here?

0:27:350:27:38

How domesticated.

0:27:390:27:41

Perhaps we are a little rigid but that structure seems to work for us.

0:27:410:27:45

-And we'll do all we can to protect it.

-I'll bear that in mind.

0:27:450:27:51

My situation is not unique and I appreciate that.

0:27:530:27:57

People lose their jobs every day.

0:27:570:27:59

And when that happens,

0:27:590:28:01

no doubt other aspects of their life expand to fill the void.

0:28:010:28:05

The problem with my life is, there's nothing else there to expand.

0:28:050:28:12

I don't have a family. I don't have any hobbies. The job was my life.

0:28:120:28:18

But now that's gone. So I find myself at something of a loose end.

0:28:200:28:25

'What was it that you did? Your job?'

0:28:250:28:29

Oh. Civil service. Very dull...

0:28:290:28:32

Well, that's what I always said. But it's something of a lie.

0:28:350:28:39

My job was covert and dangerous, and required me

0:28:410:28:46

to commit acts that will haunt me until the day I die.

0:28:460:28:49

All in the name of holding back the tide.

0:28:510:28:54

And if we simply step aside now,

0:28:550:28:57

and allow that tide to wash over the world,

0:28:570:29:00

then all my sacrifice has been for nothing.

0:29:000:29:03

All those deaths have been for nothing.

0:29:030:29:07

Do you understand?

0:29:090:29:10

'Would you like me to tell you what I'm wearing?'

0:29:120:29:15

Why not? Why not?

0:29:200:29:22

You don't have to keep the suit on all the time.

0:29:280:29:31

What happens if an exciting business opportunity arose

0:29:310:29:33

and I'd taken it off?

0:29:330:29:34

-Look a bit stupid then, wouldn't I?

-Tom...

0:29:340:29:37

..I need to talk to you about Larry.

0:29:410:29:43

I don't think he's quite the success he's led us to believe.

0:29:510:29:54

I wanted to know why we hadn't seen him on the television,

0:29:540:29:58

so I did a search, a Google, and it turns out

0:29:580:30:03

he was sacked, six months ago.

0:30:030:30:05

You really can't stand it, can you?

0:30:050:30:09

-Can't stand to see me winning.

-Tom, this isn't winning.

0:30:090:30:12

I've been thinking. What if I made you assistant manager?

0:30:170:30:20

I don't want to be just your assistant. I want your job!

0:30:200:30:23

Something tells me now that Larry's given me

0:30:250:30:27

the skills that I need, you're worried I might just get it.

0:30:270:30:30

Larry is a charlatan and a failure.

0:30:300:30:32

He's not, he's a business guru and a motivated speaker.

0:30:320:30:35

He's been filling your head with utter nonsense. Tom, these...

0:30:350:30:39

attitudes he's encouraging - they're shallow,

0:30:390:30:42

-they're aggressive.

-All right, OK, all right!

0:30:420:30:45

Maybe he's not a very nice guy. Maybe that's the truth.

0:30:450:30:49

But d'you know what? I don't care. Because nice guys finish last, Hal.

0:30:490:30:54

And I'm tired of finishing last.

0:30:540:30:56

Because when you're there, you get to the finishing line,

0:30:560:30:59

you find the pie's already gone.

0:30:590:31:01

Because some bugger like you has already ate it.

0:31:010:31:03

The success pie.

0:31:030:31:05

Which is where they keep it. At the finishing line...

0:31:060:31:09

on top of success mountain. I don't know really know how it works.

0:31:090:31:12

-You don't have to stoop to his level.

-Well, maybe I do, Hal.

0:31:160:31:19

Because I'm sure of one thing -

0:31:190:31:20

McNair would've wanted more for me than this.

0:31:200:31:23

And I'm letting him down. Every day I'm letting him down.

0:31:230:31:27

And maybe this is a way I can make him proud of me.

0:31:290:31:31

Welcome to our humble abode.

0:31:440:31:46

It used to be a cheesy B&B but I swear you would never know.

0:31:470:31:50

Oh, don't sweat it, over the years I've seen some right sh...

0:31:500:31:54

shining examples of Edwardian architecture.

0:31:540:31:58

Oh, Tom's here. I thought you'd be at work.

0:31:580:32:02

I didn't know we were expecting company. You should have said.

0:32:020:32:05

Mary, this is Tom.

0:32:050:32:07

And Larry, Tom's werewolf friend/lifestyle coach.

0:32:070:32:14

Guilty as charged.

0:32:150:32:17

You must've died a long time ago, dressed like that.

0:32:170:32:20

I believe that questions as to a lady's age are considered

0:32:200:32:23

inappropriate even in this barbaric age.

0:32:230:32:26

I'm loving that whole Downton Abbey thing you've got going on there.

0:32:260:32:30

Pretty sexy. Say something else.

0:32:300:32:32

So might I take it you're Thomas's father?

0:32:320:32:35

-I'm not that bloody old!

-I apologise for any offence caused.

0:32:360:32:40

-Lady Mary?

-Lord Harry.

0:32:470:32:50

-You are no longer in your home, you are outside?

-Indeed.

0:32:570:33:00

Mistress Alexandra persuaded me to take a quiet constitutional.

0:33:000:33:04

We were just about to have some dinner. Would you like to join us?

0:33:040:33:08

So. 250 years.

0:33:120:33:15

Man, that's a long time to stay on the straight and narrow.

0:33:150:33:21

-What's your secret, Hal?

-Are my ears burning?

-So ghosts really can't eat?

0:33:210:33:26

No. We can't. It's tragic. Anyway, Hal, 250 years without blood.

0:33:260:33:31

-That's quite an achievement.

-So what else can't you do?

0:33:310:33:34

I'm right in saying you can't take your clothes off, aren't I?

0:33:340:33:37

-So does that also mean you can't, you know, have a bath?

-No.

0:33:370:33:42

It's a real shame. Anyway, Hal, Mary, blood - discuss.

0:33:420:33:45

It is unfortunately very true.

0:33:450:33:47

Yet, even though I've been dead for over 200 years,

0:33:470:33:52

I am sure that I bathe more regularly

0:33:520:33:55

than some people I could think of.

0:33:550:33:57

I prefer showers! You're just sitting in your own muck in a bath.

0:33:570:34:00

Oh, forget the baths, it's the shagging I miss.

0:34:000:34:02

I think I need to go.

0:34:020:34:04

-So I see the FTSE's gone up. Crazy!

-Real pity.

0:34:120:34:15

Real waste. Pretty girl like you...

0:34:150:34:18

..that you'll never again know the love of a man.

0:34:190:34:22

Do you want to stay a man?

0:34:240:34:26

-Do you? Just nod.

-Alex?

0:34:260:34:29

OK. Then you don't talk to me. You don't look at me.

0:34:310:34:34

You don't even think of me again.

0:34:340:34:36

Because if you do, I will cut your nut sack off in the night.

0:34:360:34:40

Oh, and mention one word of this to Hal...

0:34:400:34:42

I've just got to catch up on some work.

0:34:500:34:52

What have you done?

0:35:030:35:04

-You've broken Mary!

-I told you!

0:35:060:35:08

-She only puts it on because she thinks you need it!

-That's insane!

0:35:080:35:11

Why would I need her to do such a thing?!

0:35:110:35:13

Because somehow she has this crazy idea

0:35:130:35:16

that she was your last ever victim!

0:35:160:35:18

-You haven't told her, have you?

-No, I haven't.

0:35:200:35:22

But how the hell could you let her think that for so long?

0:35:220:35:25

It's not exactly an easy topic to raise.

0:35:250:35:27

Hal, she is turning down doors

0:35:270:35:28

because she thinks it's keeping you clean. You have to tell her.

0:35:280:35:32

I can't. It would destroy her. She's far too fragile.

0:35:320:35:35

Hal, does she look fragile?!

0:35:350:35:37

Your mate's a nutter.

0:35:440:35:45

Yeah, well, yours is an arsehole. And a letch. And a bullshitter.

0:35:450:35:49

-He's got a Jacuzzi.

-Oh, stuff his Jacuzzi. Seriously, Tom,

0:35:490:35:52

what are you even doing with that guy?

0:35:520:35:55

Learning how to be like him.

0:35:580:35:59

-Larry? You all right, mate?

-Absolutely fine.

0:36:080:36:10

What's on your mind there, Tom-Tom?

0:36:100:36:12

-Bit weird down there with Mary, wasn't it?

-Oh, that.

0:36:120:36:15

To be honest, I'd forgotten all about that.

0:36:150:36:17

It's all part of the game, Tom. All part of the game.

0:36:170:36:20

-Your hand's bleeding.

-Anything else?

0:36:200:36:22

When are you going to be back on the telly?

0:36:220:36:25

I'd really like Hal to see you in action.

0:36:250:36:27

Well, if you must know,

0:36:270:36:29

I'm taking some leave to pursue other opportunities.

0:36:290:36:31

But I'll be back on again in a couple of weeks.

0:36:310:36:34

Straight after the six o'clock news.

0:36:340:36:35

Erm, I was thinking that...

0:36:350:36:37

maybe tomorrow we could go round to your house

0:36:370:36:40

and do some training, or go for a swim in the Jacuzzi or something.

0:36:400:36:44

Ah. Sorry, but the old pile now belongs to my charming ex-wife.

0:36:440:36:47

We can certainly go round there and put some windows through,

0:36:470:36:50

-if you're up for it?

-No, thanks.

0:36:500:36:52

So you ain't got a house no more, no?

0:36:520:36:55

Come on, Tom. "House", "job", "wife". Shackles by any other name.

0:36:550:36:58

Who needs them really, huh?

0:36:580:37:01

Hal was right, wasn't he?

0:37:020:37:04

-It's all just made up. All just stories.

-What?

0:37:040:37:07

I wouldn't go listening to Hal.

0:37:070:37:09

Look up "loser" in the dictionary, there's a picture of him.

0:37:090:37:12

Or a drawing. I don't quite know how it works, but...

0:37:120:37:16

You've been sleeping in your car, ain't ya?

0:37:160:37:18

I've done enough dossing to know the signs.

0:37:180:37:21

He's really got to you, hasn't he? I've gotta say, I'm disappointed.

0:37:210:37:24

Stop it now, Larry.

0:37:240:37:26

It ain't working no more, mate. Were you ever a success?

0:37:260:37:29

Was it all just lies?

0:37:290:37:31

If I ever lied to you it was only to protect you.

0:37:310:37:33

I did have it all, once upon a time.

0:37:330:37:35

Then the werewolf came and gobbled it all up.

0:37:350:37:38

How? How did it gobble it all up?

0:37:380:37:41

-What does that even mean?

-You were turned as a baby, weren't you?

0:37:410:37:44

You've never known anything else.

0:37:440:37:46

You don't know how the wolf changes you.

0:37:460:37:48

You see, it's not just one night a month. It's every day, every hour.

0:37:480:37:52

-No, it's not. Most of the time we're normal.

-How would you know?

0:37:520:37:55

You've never seen yourself without it. I know it changed me.

0:37:550:37:59

I've got instincts now which I never had before.

0:37:590:38:02

New drives. Aggression.

0:38:020:38:04

Lust. That's how it started - I cheated on my wife.

0:38:040:38:08

Piece by piece, the wolf took it all away.

0:38:080:38:11

The houses, the job, the money.

0:38:110:38:14

-Well, I ain't like that. I'm nothing like that.

-What? No aggression?

0:38:140:38:17

How many vampires have you killed?

0:38:170:38:19

Or maybe the wolf is holding you back in other ways.

0:38:190:38:22

How would you know?

0:38:220:38:23

Maybe there's a smart, successful Tom inside that has all the answers.

0:38:230:38:28

Who, sadly, we'll never meet.

0:38:280:38:29

Yeah, but, you gave me that book. You said if I learnt it...

0:38:290:38:33

I've never even read that book.

0:38:330:38:35

I don't think any of us stands a chance against the wolf.

0:38:350:38:37

Because it always wins. For us, this is as good as it gets.

0:38:370:38:42

You shouldn't have come back.

0:38:470:38:50

-You and Hal need to talk about this.

-He doesn't even know me any more.

0:38:510:38:55

So introduce yourself.

0:38:570:38:58

And I like action films - erm, John Woo, Jackie Chan...

0:39:000:39:07

..and the music of Metallica.

0:39:080:39:11

I watch cage fighting.

0:39:110:39:14

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

0:39:140:39:15

I shoplift...

0:39:150:39:17

quite a lot.

0:39:170:39:18

And I push people over sometimes if I don't like their shoes...

0:39:180:39:24

or their faces.

0:39:240:39:26

Suppose this must all be a bit of a head-fuck.

0:39:280:39:31

That's certainly... one way of putting it.

0:39:320:39:36

Well, actually, Mary,

0:39:360:39:38

Hal has a little secret that he wants to tell you.

0:39:380:39:42

Really?

0:39:430:39:45

What's that then, Hal?

0:39:470:39:49

Alex has been telling me that you have been turning down doors,

0:39:520:39:56

thinking that your presence here has been keeping me from killing.

0:39:560:40:01

I'm sorry to break this to you, Mary, but that simply isn't true.

0:40:010:40:04

You have been a loyal and close friend.

0:40:040:40:06

But you weren't my last victim.

0:40:060:40:08

You...are...

0:40:130:40:16

..shitting me.

0:40:170:40:19

Many times, I tried to raise the courage to tell you...

0:40:190:40:22

You had CENTURIES of lying.

0:40:220:40:25

Centuries of bowing and fawning and babbling about the fucking weather.

0:40:250:40:31

Centuries of knowing how I felt about you.

0:40:310:40:34

-Centuries of letting me think you felt the same.

-And I did!

0:40:340:40:39

Perhaps not in that way. But I'm totally clean now.

0:40:390:40:44

It must be over 50 years since I last killed a human for blood.

0:40:440:40:48

Oh, that's OK then(!)

0:40:480:40:49

Because that only makes me an idiot for, what, 200 years?

0:40:490:40:54

And you knew? Wow.

0:40:540:40:56

You covered for this tosser?

0:40:560:40:58

But now, you're...you're free.

0:40:580:41:02

-You're free to pass over.

-Well, thank you.

0:41:020:41:06

Thank you very much(!)

0:41:060:41:08

You've really solved my life.

0:41:080:41:11

You utter wanker.

0:41:150:41:17

I'm not going to lie, that could have gone better.

0:41:230:41:26

250 years I've been visiting her!

0:41:260:41:29

Five minutes with you and she's threatening to castrate people

0:41:290:41:32

and accusing me of onanism.

0:41:320:41:34

Accusing you of what?

0:41:340:41:37

Masturbation.

0:41:370:41:39

This whole business really makes me doubt you.

0:41:390:41:42

Am I just the latest in a long line of dead girls who,

0:41:420:41:46

who you lean on and who trust you and who you lie to?

0:41:460:41:50

CLATTERING

0:41:500:41:52

Sorry, couldn't help overhearing.

0:41:540:41:55

I was just down there looking for something for...ten minutes.

0:41:550:41:59

-Why are you dressed like that?

-I'm only saving the day!

0:41:590:42:03

Covering Tom's shift.

0:42:030:42:05

-I used to do bar work back in the old student days.

-Where is Tom?

0:42:050:42:09

Yeah, a little bit awkward, that. Erm, I think he's left.

0:42:090:42:13

Left what? The job?

0:42:130:42:15

No. The house.

0:42:150:42:16

He said something about it not working out, trying to be human.

0:42:160:42:20

And then he packed a bag and left. Maybe it's for the best.

0:42:200:42:22

Like you said yourself, Hal, it was getting a little bit cramped.

0:42:220:42:26

Oh, yeah, it's all coming back to me now.

0:42:280:42:30

SMASH!

0:42:320:42:33

I will pay for that, obviously.

0:42:330:42:36

-Tom? Are you in there?

-No.

0:43:020:43:04

-How did you know I was 'ere?

-We know how much McNair meant to you, Tom.

0:43:070:43:11

-His grave seemed a good bet.

-How are the funds going, Tom?

0:43:110:43:15

-For his gravestone?

-I've changed me mind. I don't want a gravestone.

0:43:160:43:19

-I've spent the money. It's gone.

-Tom, did Larry take all the money?

0:43:190:43:22

He were a surveyor. McNair. Did you know that? Before he got bit.

0:43:220:43:27

He never told me. I had to find it out. He was a success.

0:43:280:43:32

And then he turned into a werewolf.

0:43:340:43:35

And he ended up living in the woods in a van.

0:43:350:43:38

-And raising a son who was courageous and motivated and generous.

-No.

0:43:380:43:43

Larry was right.

0:43:430:43:44

It's a waste of time wolves trying to better themselves and fit in.

0:43:440:43:48

This is where we always end up. In the woods, poaching rabbits.

0:43:480:43:51

This is as good as it gets for us.

0:43:510:43:53

Tom, you have one night a month to worry about.

0:43:530:43:56

-You're the closest to human of all of us.

-Yeah, I used to think that too.

0:43:560:44:00

Then Larry put me straight. The wolf never sleeps.

0:44:000:44:03

-He's always there, inside me, making me dumb.

-Tom!

0:44:030:44:06

That is utter nonsense.

0:44:080:44:09

And if that's what Larry's been telling you, then he is despicable.

0:44:090:44:12

No, it's good. All this time I thought I was the problem.

0:44:120:44:15

But it's not my fault, it's the wolf. So it's OK, innit?

0:44:150:44:18

-Let's say that's true.

-Hal! What are you..?

-No!

0:44:230:44:26

Let's say you have a monster inside you. All the time.

0:44:260:44:30

Pulling at your strings. Tormenting you. Itching to see you fail...

0:44:300:44:35

Well, join the club! Come on in!

0:44:360:44:39

Because if you do, if all of that is true,

0:44:390:44:41

then this is where you prove your worth.

0:44:410:44:44

By fighting it. By defying it. By proving it wrong.

0:44:440:44:48

By standing toe to toe with it every day and spitting in its face.

0:44:480:44:53

Did Larry tell you he lost his wife and his job because of the wolf?

0:44:530:44:56

Tom, whatever Larry's problems are,

0:44:560:44:57

you can be damn sure they're nothing to do with him being a werewolf

0:44:570:45:00

and everything to do with him being a failure.

0:45:000:45:03

You are nothing like him.

0:45:030:45:05

You are stronger in every way.

0:45:050:45:08

You are a good man. The best I've ever known.

0:45:080:45:11

Not a success though, am I?

0:45:110:45:13

Yes, you are. By all the measures that matter.

0:45:140:45:19

That's just a wishy-washy way of saying "failure", isn't it?

0:45:190:45:21

Look, I know both of you mean well. But this is for the best.

0:45:210:45:24

Really, it is. I know where I am in the woods. It's like coming home.

0:45:240:45:27

I don't have to dress up or learn stupid rules.

0:45:270:45:30

I can stop pretending I'm normal.

0:45:300:45:33

I don't have to try for anything more. This is enough for me.

0:45:330:45:37

It's enough.

0:45:390:45:40

-Out!

-I'm sorry?

0:46:010:46:02

I'll spell it out: You. Gone. Now!

0:46:020:46:05

I'm guessing this is something to do with Tom, right?

0:46:050:46:08

Look, whatever he's chosen to believe has nothing to do with me.

0:46:080:46:12

We both know he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

0:46:120:46:15

-You've got five minutes to pack your case.

-But this is my home, Hal.

0:46:150:46:18

Do you think if you say something enough times it makes it true?

0:46:180:46:22

"This is my home"? "It wasn't me, it was the wolf"?

0:46:220:46:25

-You know nothing of the wolf.

-But I know people.

0:46:250:46:28

I know the lies they tell themselves to cover up their own failings.

0:46:280:46:31

There's only one person to blame for what's happened to you.

0:46:310:46:34

-And he's standing right in front of me.

-Shut your mouth,

0:46:340:46:38

you arrogant little shit. You don't know me. You don't scare me either.

0:46:380:46:42

I should.

0:46:420:46:43

Because there is something within me that I've been holding back.

0:46:430:46:47

And it so wants to be free.

0:46:470:46:49

-And what you did to Tom has given it the perfect excuse.

-Woooooo(!)

0:46:490:46:54

This is your chance, Larry, your only chance to be the wise man

0:46:540:46:59

who walks away and lives to see another day.

0:46:590:47:02

-You know how this ends?

-What?

-You. Here. In a tent.

0:47:380:47:44

You know how this ends? Mary.

0:47:460:47:48

She gave up the fight, she let it overwhelm her.

0:47:500:47:53

-Now she's all alone and mad as a badger.

-I'm nothing like her.

-Yeah.

0:47:530:47:58

Neither am I - yet. I bet she didn't plan on ending up like that, either.

0:47:580:48:03

You've got to stay part of something, y'know?

0:48:070:48:10

You've got to stay...anchored.

0:48:110:48:13

And it's OK for you because, well, you can be seen and do stuff.

0:48:150:48:20

Whereas the only thing I can be part of is the "Tom, Hal and Alex" gang.

0:48:200:48:23

-So I'd be coming home for you?

-Yeah.

0:48:230:48:27

Yeah, I'm just going to put it out there.

0:48:280:48:32

I want you to come back because...

0:48:320:48:34

..well, because Mary's scared the shit out of me.

0:48:360:48:39

And I'm scared that without you two that...

0:48:400:48:43

Well, that's going to be me

0:48:430:48:45

crouched over a bog watching other people shag.

0:48:450:48:49

Long story. And it's about you as well.

0:48:490:48:53

You're the best out of all of us, Tom. You just don't realise it.

0:48:540:48:58

-I've got a surprise for you.

-Well, there's a...coincidence.

0:49:020:49:07

Hello, Alex.

0:49:090:49:11

Hal was just telling me how truly sorry he is for this whole business.

0:49:110:49:15

It was really quite moving.

0:49:150:49:17

Mary...

0:49:170:49:18

..you don't want to do this.

0:49:200:49:21

Why do people always say that?

0:49:210:49:24

-This is exactly what I want to do, which is why I'm doing it.

-Mary.

0:49:240:49:29

I am eternally grateful to you

0:49:290:49:31

for the years you've dedicated to my wellbeing.

0:49:310:49:33

Oh, my God, do you ever listen to yourself?

0:49:330:49:36

It's like the shipping forecast took a shit in your ear.

0:49:360:49:39

You were my rock. You helped me stay clean for so many years.

0:49:390:49:42

That is worth more to me than I can say!

0:49:420:49:45

Yeah, but it didn't last for ever, did it?

0:49:450:49:47

So then you drink again and then you're clean again,

0:49:470:49:50

and then you drink again.

0:49:500:49:52

On and on and on and on. How long until you kill again, Hal?

0:49:520:49:56

How many lives will I be saving when I kill you today?

0:49:570:50:00

Oh.

0:50:330:50:35

My little girl's all grown up.

0:50:350:50:37

But I've been doing this for a very long time.

0:50:380:50:41

It's all right, I've got it, I think!

0:50:490:50:52

You can just run off, you know.

0:50:520:50:54

-We've got this.

-What?

0:50:540:50:57

I said, "We have got this."

0:50:570:51:00

He's our responsibility now.

0:51:000:51:02

We'll make sure he doesn't kill again. Won't we, Tom?

0:51:020:51:06

Absolutely. Can we just wrap this up now, please?

0:51:060:51:08

Oh, no. He needs to suffer.

0:51:080:51:10

Every day he fights with the monster he might become.

0:51:100:51:13

You think that isn't suffering?

0:51:130:51:15

You've had centuries of making him your problem. I know it hurts.

0:51:150:51:20

And I know that your heart is breaking. But it's time to let go.

0:51:200:51:25

He's our problem now.

0:51:260:51:28

It's OK. I'm fine. Don't worry about me!

0:51:370:51:40

Don't worry.

0:51:400:51:41

So. What now?

0:51:550:51:56

-I guess you don't have to keep coming back here

-any more. No.

0:51:570:52:00

I think it's high time for a new country.

0:52:020:52:05

And maybe a whole new personality.

0:52:050:52:08

Yeah, I could be a ditsy tourist.

0:52:080:52:11

Or a crazy eco-warrior.

0:52:110:52:13

Go scare the shit out of some loggers in the Amazon.

0:52:130:52:16

He's not a bad man. Not any more.

0:52:180:52:22

Where have I heard that before? Oh, yes.

0:52:220:52:25

It was me for 250 years.

0:52:250:52:28

Right. Why don't we just try and leave this on a civil note, hmm?

0:52:280:52:32

How's that sound?

0:52:320:52:33

Goodbye, Lady Mary. It's certainly been an experience.

0:52:390:52:44

I hope you know what you're taking on.

0:52:440:52:47

Cos the man that killed me isn't gone. He's just sleeping.

0:52:470:52:50

And he's a very good liar.

0:52:500:52:51

How long until you're the one holding the stake?

0:52:530:52:56

So he just upped and left?

0:53:070:53:09

-I'll be honest, Tom. I didn't leave him a lot of choice.

-Good riddance.

0:53:090:53:14

He was a bit of a wrong un, wasn't he? I've been a bit of an idiot.

0:53:140:53:18

-Sorry, Hal.

-You've nothing to apologise for.

-No, I have.

0:53:180:53:21

I let him get to me. The wolf ain't holding me back.

0:53:210:53:23

Nothing's holding me back. I've just got to try harder, that's all.

0:53:230:53:27

-I can be anything I want to be. We all can.

-That's quite an insight.

0:53:270:53:30

-Maybe I should spend some time in the woods.

-No, you don't want to do that.

0:53:300:53:33

It's crap, damp and itchy. That's why I came home, really.

0:53:330:53:36

-I needed a shower.

-Of course it is.

-Hal, while I've got you, mate.

0:53:360:53:40

-That job opportunity. Is it still open?

-Assistant manager?

0:53:400:53:43

-That's the bunny.

-It's yours if you want it, Tom.

0:53:430:53:47

Well, I'll have my people call your people and set something up.

0:53:470:53:51

-You do that.

-Mary didn't know you like we know you, Hal.

0:53:510:53:55

You're a good bloke.

0:53:550:53:57

Thank you.

0:53:570:53:58

'This is your chance, Larry, your only chance to be the wise man...'

0:54:020:54:06

who walks away and lives to see another day.

0:54:060:54:10

-So. We're more alike than I thought.

-We are nothing alike.

0:54:150:54:19

When you look at me you see the monster you hide.

0:54:190:54:21

You believe whatever you want. Just go.

0:54:210:54:23

I'm a little too wild for your liking, aren't I?

0:54:230:54:25

A little too unpredictable, a little too...complete.

0:54:250:54:28

It's clearly helped you make such a success of your life(!)

0:54:280:54:30

Didn't you tell Tom all that stuff was unimportant?

0:54:300:54:33

Instead I've got no struggle, no tug of war. Just one voice. One life.

0:54:330:54:36

One me. Seeing that's got to hurt.

0:54:360:54:39

-I strongly suggest you take a step backwards.

-You know what?

0:54:390:54:43

I think you're just one big PR exercise. You think I'm a fraud?

0:54:430:54:47

Well, I guess you'd know the signs. "I'll huff and I'll puff!" Wooo(!)

0:54:470:54:51

Come on, let's see this Big Bad Hal that's got everyone so scared.

0:54:510:54:54

-You don't know what you're doing.

-Maybe I do. Maybe I want this.

0:54:540:54:56

Maybe I want to see the monster. Come on. Let him out. Let's play.

0:54:560:55:00

If he's even real! You've got the others fooled.

0:55:000:55:02

It's not exactly hard, is it? A slag and a retard.

0:55:020:55:05

You want to talk to the real me?

0:55:070:55:08

Hello, Larry. Here I am. Did you want to speak to me?

0:55:150:55:18

Hello? Hello!

0:55:200:55:21

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

0:55:370:55:41

Hello?

0:55:510:55:53

I believe I have some work for you.

0:55:530:55:55

I'll be right over.

0:56:020:56:04

MARY: 'How long until you kill again, Hal?'

0:56:200:56:22

Bobby. Excellent.

0:56:290:56:31

Mr Rook always says that I'm a savage and deadly predator.

0:56:330:56:37

There is no Ian. There is only Crumb.

0:56:370:56:40

CACKLING

0:56:400:56:42

Let's do this.

0:56:420:56:43

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0:57:070:57:10

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