A Local Man Bob Servant

This programme contains some strong language.

Do you know who this place reminds me of? Daley Thompson.

Summer of 1980.

Daley Thompson got a gold medal in Moscow.

-We got an airport in Broughty Ferry.

-LORRY BEEPS

And the boo boys didnae like that.

Och, the boo boys didnae like anything.

They said no-one would use this place, but now...three flights a week to London!

Twice a fortnight to Manchester, and Belfast every other month!

That shut them up.

Well, that's what we're faced with, you see?

When you show ambition in Broughty Ferry, people drag ye down.

I get it all the time because of the extension.

-People call me flashy or...

-Arrogant.

-Too successful or...

-Fantasist.

-Who called me that?

-PLANE PASSES OVERHEAD

-Oh!

-Oh!

Did you see that?

Hey, Georgie!

-I didn't think they'd be so...young.

-Sexy.

Young. No, no, yeah, I meant to say young.

Young's fine. Naive, no experience.

There's a lot of them, though, Bob.

Ah, well, you take care of the backing band, Frank. I'll take care of Elvis.

Is that the Lady Provost?

Oh, aye.

Mm.

Showing off her special necklace.

Let's roll.

LOW CHATTER

Nice and easy.

You're just a man driving a taxi.

Have you ever tailed anyone before, pal? We should be two cars back.

We should be using stolen numberplates.

-BUMP

-That's bank robbers, Frank.

Have you not got a spare shirt?

-Why would I have a spare shirt?

-Swap with him.

Oh, Bob, no. I don't think he'd be up for it.

Of course he will. It's all part of the service. On you go.

-Er...excuse me.

-We're not swapping shirts.

This is what we're up against.

SEAGULLS CRY

You're too close!

CHATTER INSIDE

Are we ready to rock and roll? Let's have a round of applause.

-A round of applause for our interns.

-Looks like a good atmosphere.

Nuremberg had a good atmosphere.

Didnae have photocopiers like that at Nuremberg.

-Thank God for that.

-So, we've got four weeks to go, he couldn't be in better hands.

We have faith in you. We trust you. Just get it right.

-Right, OK, thank you so much.

-Right, action stations.

-That's the independent candidate.

-Hi. Can I help you?

No.

But I can help you.

I'm Bob Servant.

The independent candidate. Lovely to meet you.

Oh, that's right.

You're the, um... you're the dog man, aren't you?

-The dog man? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

-That was...

-Well, you said you'd ban dogs?

-Shoot dogs.

Broughty Ferry FM. Heh! You know what they're like.

-Ha-ha. No, not really.

-Bunch of shock jocks.

Anyway...

Who is this lovely young lady?

Phillippa Edwards.

-Nick's wife.

-Oh, wonderful.

-Are you doing the sandwiches?

-Er...no.

-I'm the campaign manager.

-Oh, that's good of you.

I've been my husband's political manager for ten years now.

Ah, no offence, but it's unusual

for powerful men to take orders frae their wives.

-Er...Torvill and Dean?

-Oh, Frank.

Frank, I mean,

I know these two have been putting up posters like they own the place,

but even they wouldn't be arrogant enough to claim

that they are the new Torvill and Dean!

That's not a claim we'll be making.

Good.

-And Frank's my campaign manager.

-Ah.

-He's no' my wife, though.

-Ha-ha-ha.

He's no' married. Through choice!

Anyway, we just thought we'd say...hello,

and if you need any help, I'm a big fish round here.

-I'm sure.

-So...

Welcome to Broughty Ferry.

Welcome to politics.

Welcome...

to Broughty Ferry.

-I'm doing the welcoming.

-Right.

-That's the point here, I think.

-All done!

-Where are your campaign offices?

-Bob's hoose.

No' in my hoose, in my extension.

And we'll be buying plenty of this gear. Don't you worry about that. Ha-ha!

Well, I don't think you'll need quite this much.

-Do you have local volunteers?

-One.

-Only one?

-Thousand.

A thousand?

Thereaboots. You know, up a bit.

So, we are going to need plenty of this stuff.

Well, now's your chance.

Excuse me. I think this chap would like to place an order.

Fire away.

Oh, well, I'll maybe, er...take a couple of these, as you're here.

You got anything bigger?

Bigger? No, that's an industrial copier.

-Well, I've seen bigger.

-Where?

Arbroath.

-Oh!

-How much?

-Well, these guys are renting.

-Renting?

Ha-ha! Well, I'd be buying.

I mean, I play for keeps.

18 grand?

-Have you got a colour one?

-Yeah, well, they're all colour, mate.

There's a... Hey.

...kind of buzzing.

You know, I'm getting that.

-Really?

-Oh, it's stopped now.

PHONE RINGS IN BACKGROUND

OK.

Awfy, awfy nice.

Yeah.

Oh, er...has it got the internet?

-Well, no.

-Oh, shame, pal.

Better luck next time.

We'd have bought twa, if they were the right ones.

I'm just sending you a message.

Deep pockets.

Message received.

Well, we have a very busy afternoon with a lot of meetings, so...

Oh, I would no' like to think... Ha! ...how many meetings I've got! Ha-ha-ha!

One.

Thousand.

PHONE RINGS IN BACKGROUND

SEAGULLS CRY

Oh, here he is! Old Scrooge himself.

-Mr Servant, I'm relieved to see you.

-I've sent you a number of letters...

-How's that wife of yours doing?

-I'm divorced. You know that.

-I know, just a bit of banter before we start.

-Well, that's hardly what I would call banter.

-I've got three kids.

-All right.

-Slept in my car for a month.

-Right.

-Down to business. I'm gonnae chuck a bit mair money at the campaign.

-Mr Servant...

And that cash I made when I sold the vans, I'm gonnae throw it all in. Why not?

Mr Servant, I've sent you a number of letters

after I had a difficult conversation on your behalf.

Who with?

With the Inland Revenue about your tax...

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

-I'll stop you there.

-Sorry?

As you're well aware,

I will not allow you to use certain words in my presence for legal reasons.

I am aware of that, and I'm also aware that this is why we're in this position!

If I don't hear them words then I don't know about it and I'm legally protected!

As I've told you many times, this is not the case! We have to able to discuss this.

I don't want to.

Do you want to go to prison?

CLOCK TICKS

Fine. Fine!

Let's say you were talking to Daley Thompson...aboot biscuits.

And perhaps...perhaps

Daley Thompson thinks I haven't sent him enough biscuits.

Fine, I spoke to Daley Thompson

and he says that there is a shortfall in your biscuit contributions.

Well, I respect Daley as an athlete, but in this case he's talking bollocks.

Daley says that you have not sent him enough biscuits

in the last four consecutive tax years.

-Er...

-Biscuit years.

He's worked out how many biscuits you owe him.

-Oh, he has, has he?

-Yes.

That's what he's looking for.

Sweet Jesus.

-Is that biscuits or pounds?

-Pounds.

It's pounds, right.

Well, that's the last of the cheeseburger money.

Mr Servant.

As your accountant, I would probably advise you

to spend as little as possible

on this...campaign.

And I presume that has come out of my fees?

-It's the Lady Provost's dinner tonight.

-Did you get invited?

I did.

Is Daley Thompson going?

-SEAGULLS CRY

-You work your whole life.

You sell thousands, millions of cheeseburgers.

You make the people of Broughty Ferry happy.

And then the Government pops up and says, "Oh, hello!

"Hello!

"You see when you made the people happy by selling them cheeseburgers?

"Well, the money they gave you for making them happy, that's actually ours.

"Even though they gave it to you for the cheeseburgers,

"they're meant to give it to us

"so would you kindly, you know, sort of, you know, just pass the money along

"but still give them the cheeseburgers?"

It doesn't add up, Bob. It does not add up.

And again the Government pops up and says, "Oh, hello! Hello!

"Just to let you know that once again you are not invited to the Provost's dinner.

"But you see that guy who slept in his car for a month when his wife left him?

"He's invited."

Un-fucking-believable!

Here, Bob, my turn tae choose.

MUSIC: "Apartment Number 9" By Faron Young

Why do you always bring me here, Frank?

It's so depressing.

Because it's cheap, Bob, and it sounds like we should be making sacrifices.

I'm sacrificing my dignity coming into this place.

Oh, here he is!

How are you, Stewpot?

No' too bad.

Couple of pints, please.

-# ...In apartment number 9... #

-Aye.

Best pint in Broughty Ferry!

# ...And the sun will never shine... #

Have you, er...

-done the place up, Stewpot?

-No.

-It's looking good.

-Oh, very good, very good.

Oh, I love it in here. Love it!

It reminds me of that, er...American TV show. Oh, you know the one. Er...

# Where everybody knows your nay-ay-ame

# Ha-da diddle-la-pah tee-tee-tee

# Da-da diddle, da-da-diddle... #

Er...

# ...Knows your name. #

The Cosby Show.

-Cheers.

-Cheers!

Got us oot of that one.

-Listen, Bob.

-Improvisation.

Bob, what are we gonna dae,

when the Edwards boy starts throwing his money aboot?

Oh, it's no' aboot money, Frank, it's aboot people.

Well, then let's get oot there, Bob.

You're the man with the ideas. I mean, this lot need to hear that.

This lot? Never mind aboot the punters!

Broughty Ferry's run by the big fish.

Always has been, always will be.

We want to get out there in front of the movers and the shakers.

The Lady Provost? The Provost's dinner?

That's where all the big fish'll be.

Well, then, let us go fishing.

And we're no' invited.

Frank.

When Jesus went to that birthday party and turned the bread into wine,

was he invited?

Well, probably. I mean... I mean, if he could dae that.

(This is appalling.)

Hello, love! Bob Servant to see the Provost.

I'm afraid the Lady Provost's out for the day.

Where?

She has a lunch and then she's reopening the harbour play park.

Another play park! She must open aboot ten of them a year.

She just likes the swings.

-Where is she having lunch?

-I can't give out that information.

-Sorry.

-Hen, I'm standing in the by-election.

-Diplomatic immunity.

-I'm sorry.

I need to know where the Provost is.

-It's about her son.

-She doesn't have a son.

That's what she thinks.

LOW CHATTER

Oh, I see. Talking about boys?

-Miss Edwards.

-Ms.

-Your Holiness.

-Hello, Mr Servant.

-Well, I really should be going.

-Rhona.

Rhona, I need two minutes.

Sorry, I've official business.

Aye, on the swings?

-Nice to meet you.

-Pleasure.

That looked very cosy.

Did it?

My sources tell me...

that she was at the airport this morning.

She welcomed us to Broughty Ferry.

I just met her to hand in our election nomination forms.

I'm sure your campaign manager has already handed them in?

Don't have a go at him. He's just started.

Where are your thousand volunteers?

Lunch break.

RINGTONE: "RIDE ON TIME" BY BLACK BOX

Hi, Bob.

I see.

You know, gentlemen, we have come up against independent candidates before.

Not...like me.

Just like you.

They're always the same.

Locals with a bit of a reputation who fancy the spotlight.

And then along comes polling day,

and they discover that they haven't got quite as many friends as they thought.

Then what happens?

They're humiliated.

Totally

and utterly humiliated.

-Oh...

-Frank, let's go to the play park.

Right, Bob.

I am very proud to be here today to open this play park...

-Ah, you give someone a special necklace.

-...and I'd especially like to thank...

The next thing you know, they're walking round a play park like Mother Teresa.

I would like to declare this play park...

officially reopened.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

You know, Frank, the Provost's dinner...

it's no' something I've ever fancied going to.

Well, you've never been invited.

Well, that's because they probably think I'd turn it doon, and I usually would.

But, you see, this year, Frank, this year, I need in, I need in,

because she is like...

Willy Wonka.

She looks at the people of Broughty Ferry, and then she picks one.

And once you're picked, that's you.

Life will never be the same again.

Just like Willy Wonka in the film.

He looked at the people, he picked that young boy,

and then Wonka took that lovely young boy and put him in golden underpants.

And then Wonka led that boy by the hand...

...and walked off into the disco.

-No.

-Well, you know, Frank, you know what?

-No, that's no'...

No, that's no' what happened in the film, Bob.

I'm going to the disco! Ha-ha!

OK, big smile for me. OK.

-That's great.

-Let me come to your dinner.

Firstly,

I just heard you visited my office and suggested I have an illegitimate child.

-Smile for me.

-That was Frank. I tried to stop him.

Secondly, the dinner is for those who have enhanced the lives of the people of Broughty Ferry.

-I'm a Broughty Ferry success story.

-Success story! Selling unhealthy food from unregistered vans?

-That's what the public wanted.

-You ruined local health rates.

-Statistics.

-You targeted children.

-They targeted me!

-You caused scurvy, Bob.

-The two of you.

Oh, come on, Rhona, come on. Let me come. Please, Rhona. Rhona, please!

Look, if you cause any trouble, you're out straight away.

Deal.

Big smile!

And that, Frankie boy, is politics.

I've lived here all my life, Frank, and this is my first Provost's dinner.

I've been out in the cold for 58 years.

How long was Mandela on that island, before Geldof got him off?

A fair while.

-Not 58 years, though?

-Nowhere near.

Do you know what I mean? And people bang on about his suffering.

The Provost's dinner!

Oh! That's gonnae be something else!

Oh, big names, big faces.

Absolute A-list!

And...you're looking good, Bob.

I am, and you're not far behind me, Francis.

We're the Rat Pack.

-Ho-ho! Frank Sinatra!

-Dean Martin!

Steve Davis Junior. Ha-ha!

Let's dance!

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

Right, Frank!

This is schmoozing.

-Schmoozing?

-It's American for talking.

I want you to get in there and work the room.

Oh.

Don't mind if I do.

Lovely dress.

-Admiral.

-Inspector.

Listen, I'm doing a bit of schmoozing here

and I want you to know if I'm elected then your job is safe.

That would not be your decision.

-Not officially.

-Not at all.

-Glad to have your support.

-You don't.

Cheers.

You're the big man frae the hospital, aren't you?

I'm the Medical Director, yes.

Ah. I've seen you in the papers with the big cheques.

Always glad to receive a charitable donation.

Oh, I know, I know. Listen, listen here.

If I'm elected, I wouldnae kick up a fuss

if, you know, one of them big cheques should go, you know...

I don't follow.

If one of them big cheques should go, er...

...go missing.

-I find that extremely offensive.

-Oh, so do I, Doc. So do I.

Have you got, er...

...any brothers or sisters?

I must just go and find my wife.

OK, fine.

-RHONA:

-Ladies and gentlemen!

Please take your seats, and if I may, I'll just say a few words.

Absolutely! Carry on, hen!

Due to the past two harsh winters,

some of our roads have experienced extensive damage.

But I'm happy to say that reconstruction work on this is nearly complete.

This year also showed marked improvements

of the sewage systems around the Ellieslea Road area.

This is hopeless. Right.

-With regards to the new leisure centre...

-GLASS CLINKS

..this has now...

OK! Well done. You had a go.

-I'm sorry?

-Ah, well try again next year.

Eh, Rhona, hen? Come on.

Come on, folks, come on! Let's gie her something.

-THEY APPLAUD

-Come on! Let's give her something. There you go. There you go, hen.

Well done, well done.

Right, I'd better rescue this.

Lock up your daughters.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I want yous to forget aboot my success

and, if you can, my extension.

Just see me for what I am.

A local man who's worked hard and has the hoose to show for it,

and who is the only choice for the Broughty Ferry by-election!

This Edwards guy looks pretty impressive.

-Oh, forget him.

-I've heard he's got a big team.

Well, I've seen bigger.

Apparently they're very sexy.

Who said that?

Frank.

Look, you lot don't know this guy!

I could tell you things about him you just wouldnae believe!

-Go on.

-Oh, he's done awful stuff.

Awful stuff. X-rated stuff.

Such as?

How about murder? Is that bad enough for you?

-Sorry?

-No' here, no' on your beat.

On his holidays.

I heard he was in Tenerife

and a man laughed at his jumper and he strangled him.

Wi' the jumper.

DOOR CLOSES

Sorry we're late, everybody.

Sorry we're late, everybody(!)

-Er...Mr Edwards?

-Yeah?

Have you ever been to Tenerife?

Tenerife?

-No, can't say I've had the pleasure.

-Didn't think so.

Rumours.

Sorry, have I...disturbed something?

Mr Servant was telling us a story.

No, no, no! No, I've done. I've done.

-Well, perhaps I could say a few words.

-Oh, haud on, haud on! I've still got the floor!

We gave you a hearing, Mr Servant! It's Mr Edwards's turn now.

CLEARS THROAT

Ladies and gentlemen.

My wife and I left England this morning as dawn was breaking.

We had no idea that we would find ourselves in a place so charming,

so hospitable and so beautiful.

Christopher Columbus over there.

Walking around...Brochty Ferry today...

-Broughty Ferry.

-..Broughty Ferry today,

I was overcome with a... a strange feeling of warmth.

-Had you wet yourself?

-Mr Servant!

Teatime! Oh, here we go, folks!

-Mr Edwards will continue after dinner!

-Oh, look!

It's salmon. Very boring, I'm afraid.

Here we go. Here we go, folks. Tuck in.

Could... Could I get a leg?

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

LOW CHATTER

MUTTERS

We can't let him get this lot on board.

Follow my lead.

-You looking for the toilet?

-I am.

-Let me help you there.

-Thank you.

CLATTERING

Shawshanked!

THUMPING

Enjoying the petits fours?

SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE

LOW CHATTER

CLINKS GLASS

Right, well, that's it, folks. Looks like he's bottled it.

So, if you want an MP who turns Shergar on you

-when the going gets tough...

-KNOCKING

...he's your man.

-KNOCKING CONTINUES

-But Bob Servant doesn't hide!

Remember that.

FRANK CLAPS

Well! That's us off!

Thank you for having us. The salmon was terrific!

Oh, ho-ho-ho! Looks like someone's had one too many.

He locked me in the fucking cupboard!

Or I locked myself out of the cupboard! Different ways of looking at it.

We will crush you!

You'd better have strong fingers!

Mr Servant! I think you should leave right now!

Oh, I bet you do. I bet you do!

That's just what you lot want, isn't it?

Get me oot the door so you can suck up to him?

Why? Because he's got a flashy poster and big photocopiers.

Well, do you know something? I don't need you lot!

I'm going out there! To the man on the street!

You know where you are with the man on the street!

-On the street?

-You listen to me, pal.

You may have this lot under your sexy spell,

but I've spent 30 years

selling cheeseburgers to the people of Broughty Ferry.

I know them inside out.

And when she made me put posters on my van

saying that if people ate too many cheeseburgers they might die,

do you know what happened?!

We sold more!

Granted, a couple of people did die

but no-one...no-one tells that lot what to do!

So, pal, you keep the big fish!

I'll hae the people!

I'll have the people!

LOW CHATTER

DOOR SLAMS

CHATTER STOPS

LOW CHATTER

CHATTER STOPS

DOOR SHUTS

CLATTERING

LOW CHATTER

Here we go, Frank.

These are our people.

Look at their wonderful little faces.

Absolutely.

Ah, Edwards can keep the big fish. I'll have this lot any time.

I've got your vote, don't I, Charlie?

No' wearing his glasses.

# ...Hey, where I've been, where I'm going didn't take a lot of knowing

# But I take a lot of pride in what I am... #

-Davie!

-Bob.

See the United score at the weekend?

No. What was it?

Good to see you.

# ...Home is anywhere I'm living

# If it's sleeping on some vacant bench in City Square... #

All right, lads? Just finished at the factory?

Factory?

Stewpot, get these boys a drink.

They deserve it. Salt of the earth.

On you?

No, no. Just get them a drink. It's your job.

# ...And I take a lot of pride in what I am

# I never been nobody's idol But at least I got a title

# And I take a lot of pride in what I am... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd