Women and God Bob Servant

This programme contains some strong language.

-Why are you standing there?

-I thought it was a team shot.

-What's that expression?

-I'm smiling.

Smiling?

-It looks as if you're crying.

-No.

I wouldn't have been crying.

LOW CHATTER

Hey, Georgie!

We've got a big problem here, Bob.

I mean, it's a real Pearl Harbor.

Well,

you've got skirt,

skirt, husband...

..and me.

Now, I just think it would help the campaign

if you could find yourself a...a wife or a...a girlfriend

or a...

a woman pal.

"Local man with local skirt."

Well, that's votes, Bob. That's votes right there.

PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS

Mary!

Bob Servant.

I'm terrific, just sitting here in the extension.

Yourself?

WOMAN CHATTER INDISTINCTLY

Tell me, Mary, are you still going aboot in them glasses of yours?

The big ones?

Sorry, Mary! Just going into a tunnel!

Can't be doing with that.

Ah. Daphne.

Daphne?

Bob Servant.

Well, you know, just...checking in.

Oh, dear.

When was that?

And it was your hip?

What a bunch of cowboys! Sorry, Daphne, can you just...

Hip replacement. Botched.

She's got a limp.

Like a sign of weakness. People might think you've kicked her.

Daphne? Could you call me back? Couple of months. Happy hopping!

This isn't working.

Ach, it's the wrong season for skirt, Frank.

It's always best after New Year's Eve or April Fools' Day,

when there's all the trial separations going on.

And the plains are full of buffalo.

And the thing is, Frank, you know, women...

-can pickle your brain.

-Oh!

Oh, it's always the same. You meet someone, you have a wee chat,

and you think, "Well, this is just terrific."

And things move on, and suddenly, you're spending every day with them.

Time passes,

and before you know it, you're thinking, "Oh, Christ, what am I doing?

"This is just awful and I need to get out."

Oh, that's the drill.

And sometimes that happens all within an hour.

On the bus.

They get inside your head like...like worms.

That's it, Frank.

That's it. Worms. Worms.

Pretty wee worms with their nice claithes and lovely hair.

Oh, look at them!

Butter wouldn't melt, eh?

They cut your heart open, put a hand grenade inside,

slap you on the back, say they're your best pal

and would you like to go to the water slides.

-Every time.

-WAITER: I'll give you a minute.

Oh, look.

The very man.

All right, gentlemen. How's it hanging?

Ah, Norrie.

That is a lovely piece of leather.

New delivery, gentlemen.

-You could use an upgrade, Bob.

-Oh, never mind that.

Norrie, I'm making myself available for the skirt again.

Local skirt.

How local?

Well, let's say as far as Carnoustie for now,

but I'd consider Forfar if they have their own transport.

-Brechin?

-Not a chance.

-Fair enough.

-So...

-could you put out the whispers?

-What kind of whispers?

Oh, you know, you know. Something like, "Bob's available for the skirt,

"as long as they behave themselves

"and don't start telling him about stuff they've seen on the telly

"or asking him to talk to their pals at parties."

That's quite a whisper.

Och, well, I'm quite a man.

-Morning, ladies.

-Morning.

CHURCH BELLS RING

Oh, look, Bob, it's the baddies.

So it is. Tweedledum and dickhead.

You're lucky I didn't have you arrested.

-What for?

-False imprisonment.

-Eh?

You locked me in a cupboard.

You were in there for two minutes. Carrying on like you're Terry Waite!

Aye, they're getting scared.

We were certainly "scared" by your photo in this morning's paper.

Yeah, that was intriguing. Were you crying?

No.

You don't have a partner. Other than...

What are you two doing here?

My wife and I are committed Christians. We were simply saying hello.

Do you know all the hymns?

-The vast majority.

-The vast majority of the hymns, yes.

I presume you two gentlemen aren't religious?

Um...we dae Halloween.

-I'm sure you do.

-Oh, it's bollocks!

It's all part of the plan.

You two are here for the religious vote.

You're an extraordinary man.

Oh, thank you very much.

Mr Servant, I might be in Broughty Ferry to win a by-election,

but there are more important things than politics.

No, no...you're right.

There's more than one God mob.

CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS

You see, the thing is, Your Excellency,

the Edwards boys have bagged the Catholics

and I want to get my message to your fans.

My congregation.

I can't ever remember seeing your faces amongst them.

Well, I'm a first-time caller.

Bob, I know for a fact you told people I was a wizard.

Oh, no, no, that was a genuine mistake.

I saw a documentary. Things got jumbled.

I won't be endorsing

-any of the candidates.

-No, you wouldn't have to endorse us.

Just drop a subtle hint to the punters.

Oh, aye? Such as?

Such as, er..."Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory.

"Vote Bob Servant. Ding-dong! Merrily on high."

How about you, Frank? Are you religious?

Well, I...well, I came here when I was wee for Sunday school.

Well, we'd welcome you back.

I'd be a lot bigger than the other boys.

Look, if you two are serious, why don't you stay for the day?

The day?

Yeah, if you want to represent Broughty Ferry,

then you should know what we do here.

Well, is it no just singsongs and horoscopes?

There's a lot more to it than that, Bob.

Sorry, pal, I've got a campaign to run.

Ah, well, I tried.

CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS

Who's that?

Kirsty's one of our volunteers.

-Well, you've just got yourself two more volunteers.

-Is that so?

A few hours. We can spare a few hours.

After all, a bit of community service

-wouldnae come amiss.

-No, no, no.

You guys get yourselves home.

As the Bible says, "You yourself are God's temple."

Ah, but, as the Bible also says, "The customer is always right."

Maybe you should stay.

Good. I'll help Kirsty with the flowers.

Oh, I think we can do better than that.

FRANK SIGHS

This is embarrassing, Bob.

Imagine what it's like for me.

Oh-oh-oh!

(Aye.)

Into the valley of death rode good old Bob.

Bob Servant, independent.

Standing in the by-election, doing what I can for the people.

I shoot from the hip.

Well, I think that's really cool.

Those politicians could do with someone ruffling their feathers.

Oh, I'll ruffle their feathers.

I'll rip their beaks off.

I'm Kirsty.

I was, er...watching you

from over there.

You look like an angel...

..apart from not having the fish bit, obviously.

Sorry, that's mermaids.

What's mermaids?

It's mermaids that have the fish bit, not angels.

-That makes a bit more sense.

-Anyway,

I'll let you get on.

Oh, she's a wonderful woman, Frank. She dances to the beat of her own drum.

He really carries off the beard, doesn't he, Bob?

Not a lot of men can.

-What's her story, do you think?

-He absolutely nails it.

Hello.

BOB SIGHS

Are you a...

Gardener.

I was going to say disciple.

-Gardener.

-Ah.

I've just been talking to Kirsty in there.

Any whispers about her?

Whispers?

You know, likes, dislikes, hobbies.

Funny things that have happened to her.

So I can pretend that the same funny things have happened to me.

The two of us look at each other as if to say,

"Oh, what's that all about?"

I don't really know her, pal. I cannae help you.

Are you frightened?

Sorry?

Are they holding you here against your will?

Listen.

If you want to escape, the two of us can get you out.

CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS

Do you like my hair?

It's me, Bob.

So it is.

Oh, you've got an admirable sense of humour.

SHE GIGGLES

I suppose your husband cannae be very happy,

you spending all your time at the church?

I bet he just sits at home,

looks at photos of you and tries on your cardigans.

My husband died last year.

Died? Oh, dear.

Well, I'm sure he's up there somewhere. Hm?

Watching you dust

and saying, "Oh, look, look, Kirsty! Kirsty, you've missed a bit!

"Oh, darling, darling, you should live a little.

"Let that lovely hair of yours down."

What's the password for the Wi-Fi?

Bob?

What?

We're about to start our afternoon prayer group.

I thought it might be educational for you to take part.

Oh. Are you coming?

Oh, I think Kirsty's got enough on her plate, don't you?

This is a stitch-up.

Claire, why don't you start us off?

Yeah, I would like to ask for a prayer for my boy, Owen.

He's been behaving very badly indeed.

Here we go.

He's just so disobedient.

If he doesn't get his cartoons, he has a tantrum.

If he doesn't get his juice, he has a tantrum.

Sounds like Frank.

Very good!

-REVEREND THOMSON:

-Carry on, Claire.

I'm just at my wits' end.

You're a wonderful mother, Claire. You'll get through this.

Thank you, Ruby.

God loves you and your son.

OTHERS: And God supports you. Amen.

Well, you all know what I'm gonna ask for. Another prayer for my car.

OTHERS CHUCKLE

Are they drunk?

-Happy.

-My clutch brake friction springs

are knackered.

You remember what happened the last time?

One prayer and they fixed themselves.

Well, God loves you and your clutch brake friction springs.

OTHERS: And God supports you. Amen.

On a more serious note, I'd like to thank everyone here

for their prayers over the last few months for my wife.

As you know, she's pulling through.

And, well, the doctors are wonderful,

but I know that your prayers are doing their bit too.

God loves you and your wife.

OTHERS: And God supports you.

-Amen.

-Supports you.

I'm OK, thanks.

On you go, Bob. Whatever's on your mind.

Er...

Well, er...

..I've decided to get myself a girlfriend,

because Frank made me look stupid in the papers.

Over the years, I've had some unbelievable adventures with the skirt.

I mean, I could tell you some stories, but I'm not sure if they'd be quite...

-I don't think so.

-Oh, just one, then! Um...

Er...that woman in Safeway's with the turnips.

BOB CHORTLES

No.

That muscular woman at the car wash.

No!

I really don't think...

Oh, Invergowrie!

BOB AND FRANK CHUCKLE

Invergowrie! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Oh!

There was this one day...

-Bob...

-..on the train to Perth.

Bob...

I said to her, I said, "Here we are in the cheap seats,

"and certain parts of your body belong in the first class carriage."

-Bob...

-Well, we got off at Invergowrie...

-Bob...

-..and we went and found a shed...

-Bob, no!

-..and we...

Well, you get the gist. I mean, he does anyway.

CHORTLING

When you get older, I mean, all the best skirt's been picked off.

I mean, I'm seriously, seriously considering

one with big glasses and another one wi' a limp.

And that's...that's just ridiculous.

Bob, love can strike at any time.

There must be some women find you attractive.

-Well, you'd think so.

-CLAIRE: Absolutely.

You're very...eclectic.

I work out.

This is the home of the Lord.

You can find an answer to anything in this building. You just have to ask.

Oh.

You mean I could still have a wee shottie at, er...

Well done, Bob. God loves you.

OTHERS: And God supports you. Amen.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I get the most awful depressions.

Dinnae spoil it, Frank.

That lot said I should ask you for your tea tonight.

Oh, I...I'm not sure about that.

I know it's daft, but I still feel my husband's spirit watching over me.

Simple. Table for three!

We'll put out a saucer of milk and a carrot.

Oh, no, that's Santa, isn't it?

Frank! Frank can be our chaperone!

-For what?

-Tonight.

We're taking Kirsty for her tea.

I've got my swimming lessons.

Er...well, there is a lovely new restaurant, Surf And Turf.

Well, let's surf! On the campaign!

Ah, well, within reason.

I mean, starter and a main course or a main course and a pudding.

-It's one or the other.

-OK.

SHOP BELL RINGS

Cancel the whispers, Norrie.

I'm out tonight. I need something special.

Top quality leather, gentlemen. Handmade. Waterproof.

-Waterproof?

-Did I say waterproof?

Somebody said waterproof. It must be waterproof.

HE WHISTLES

Start the bus.

-How much?

-200.

-Is that pounds?

-Yeah, it's pounds.

This is special leather, lads.

It's only taken aff the cow's backs.

It's basically what THEY use as jackets.

Norrie, I'll take it. Frank, it's on the campaign.

-Now, look, Bob, I'm not sure if we can...

-You know, Norrie, back in the '80s,

I had a jacket that was an absolute game-changer!

In that jacket, I felt like an astronaut.

Everyone in Broughty Ferry loved it, even the boo-boys.

People would stop me in the street and say "Hello, Bob, is that your special jacket?"

And I'd say...yes.

-Well, what happened?

-What happened?

I left it in the burger van one day,

and someone not too far from us

spilt an industrial-size bucket of brown sauce on it.

That's what happened.

Norrie, we'll take it.

There's a bus crash in Menzieshill.

Oh, nice one. Serious?

Well, the...the bus passengers were "shaken up".

Shaken up? Not exactly the Titanic, is it?

Come on, Frank, give me something I can work wi'.

Oh. There's a woman in Downfield lost her guinea pig,

and...

it came back the next day.

Francis.

Unless the guinea pig came back speaking French and dressed as a cowboy,

it's nae use to me!

You've seen Kirsty. She's kooky.

I need something kooky. Give me kooky, Frank, kooky!

Well, there's...there's a boy in Lochee got his head stuck in a bucket.

There's my opener!

Starter for ten! Saddle me up!

MUSIC PLAYS

Ah! There she is!

Good evening, Kirsty. I'm...I'm Bob's friend, Frank.

We've met.

There seems to be a problem with the table?

You only booked a table for two.

Did you forget about me?

Well, I've already had my tea, by mistake,

er...so I'm... I'm just going to have a...a drink at the bar

and not get in anyone's way.

Well, of course, that's your decision, Frank!

Perhaps you'd like to become Bob's girlfriend

and be in his poster?

But there's no pressure. I mean, for now just enjoy your tea and see how you feel.

Thank you, Frank. And you'll be at the bar?

At the bar, Kirsty, yes.

Shall we go?

-Can I take your jacket, sir?

-Not yet.

I want her to get the full benefit.

You look lovely.

Your eyes are like...

..grapes.

-In what way?

-In every way.

And you've got the make-up just right.

You know, sometimes it can be a bit clowny.

My mother used to say a woman shouldn't hide her flaws.

Here, did you hear about the boy in Lochee?

-With the bucket?

-Aye! The bucket!

-Ha-ha-ha-ha! The bucket!

-The bucket! Ha-ha!

That was awful.

Terrible. A tragedy.

You know I'm thinking seriously of doing something for the lad.

Shrink his head?

I thought a fun run or something.

Oh!

Do you know, Kirsty,

you know, when I came to the church

-and got baptised...

-You weren't baptised.

..and met yourself, I started to think...

Bob, we're not in church any more.

I'm sure there's more interesting subjects we can talk about.

Oh.

Want to open the Bob file, do we?

Tell me about your campaign.

Oh, like the politics, do we?

Ah, well, I'm sure I could explain things.

I saw...is it the Edwards earlier? They were handing out tomato soup.

Disgusting.

-The soup?

-The Edwards.

Right!

-Shall we risk their wine?

-BOTH CHUCKLE

Hey, you haven't got to work tomorrow, have you?

I don't work.

Not at all?

When my husband died, I received a large insurance settlement.

A silver lining on what must have been a very sad cloud.

I didn't even know he had a fully comprehensive life insurance policy

covering any form of accidental death.

If I could ask...

..how did he go?

He slipped away.

Dare I say...measles?

No, he slipped away.

We were down at the pier, and he fell in.

-Down there?

-Mm-hm.

It was high tide.

There was nothing I could do.

What are you having?

-What about the lifeboat?

-Bank holiday.

-Could you not have thrown him a ring?

-There wasn't time.

He fell in, he splashed about for a bit and then he was gone.

Gone in seconds. Sunk.

What was he wearing, a suit of armour?

We should order.

-Are ye in for a bite to eat?

-Yeah.

-I'm just watching those two.

-Oh, right. OK.

So, you've never been married?

Oh, no. No, I've dodged that particular sledgehammer.

But, you know, never say never.

As I always say, there's more than one chair in my extension.

Ah!

Right!

I'll have the chops, and tell the chef to have a bit of fun with them.

KIRSTY: Ah, no, Bob.

-You must have the haddock.

-It's very popular.

Oh, it is, is it?

Well, I suppose if I must have the haddock...

I must.

Steak for me. Bloody.

You're the independent candidate for the by-election, aren't you?

Uh-huh, uh-huh. That's part of who I am.

We had the Edwards in here earlier.

Oh. Oh, did you now?

Anyway, I'm sure you'll enjoy your haddock.

Oh, you'll love the haddock.

I can see clearly now.

The rain...has gone.

Safe journey home.

Kirsty's a hit man.

-Right.

-She murdered her husband.

The Edwards have hired her to kill me.

The waiter's in on it. They're going to poison me with haddock.

Right. I should have pieced that together.

There's nae time to point the fingers, Frank.

We've got to ride this one out. Code red.

Doors to manual.

Mayday!

BOB SIGHS

Is everything OK?

Oh...potato, pot-tah-toe.

Ah! Here it is.

My last supper.

-Enjoy.

-Looks delicious.

Oh, and I suppose you two want me just to eat this all up,

-don't you?

-Is that not the plan?

Oh, you admit that there's a plan?

Oh, oh!

-Where's the wire?

-The wire?

There's always a wire.

Sorry, I don't...

Where's the wire?!

Get down, please, Bob!

So! Edwards thought he could JFK me with a haddock, did he?

Well, you tell him, you tell him from me, that if he comes for me again,

it'll be Black Hawk Down Broughty Ferry!

And as for you, sweetheart...

..so sorry, darling...

..but I don't date assassins.

That's true, he doesn't.

-Mary? Bob.

-'Bob?'

Servant!

What about contact lenses, Mary?

'I don't like contact lenses.'

Could you cover your glasses up?

Little curtains?

LINE GOES DEAD

Mary? Mary?

Hello? Oh.

-No ambitions, pal.

-Her loss.

# Do you ever think back on old memories like that

# Or do I ever cross your mind...? #

Well, sing it, Dolly.

Right, Frank, new poster.

People of Broughty Ferry.

Bob Servant Independent hereby announce

we are no longer interested in the God mob or the skirt.

The God mob just try and trick you with the Bible,

when all they want is their floor mopped.

And as for the skirt, well, I very kindly made myself available

and ended up buying tea for a murderer!

So that's it! No skirt and no religion, and while we're at it...

Ah! I shall be returning to my signature jacket.

And if anybody has any problem with that, they can just fucking whistle for it!

Vote Bob Servant. All the very best. Et cetera.

Get that down to the printers ASAP.

Well, we'll maybe check it over in the morning, Bob.

Bob?

DOLLY LAUGHS

-Thank you, darling.

-I love you.