The Media Bob Servant

This programme contains some strong language.

Well, folks, it's all eyes on Broughty Ferry,

with just two weeks to the by-election.

Joining us in Scotland At One

is Nick Edwards, described by some

as a Westminster star in the making. Nick.

Well, actually, Sally, I don't really care about Westminster.

I only care about Broughty Ferry. I want to be king of that castle.

- I just hope I'm given the chance. - And in terms of your policies?

- Mm. Well, I... Oh, for Christ's sake... - We're filming!

Good morning, er...I'm the campaign manager for Bob Servant, independent.

We're launching a media extravaganza

and I wondered if you'd like to speak to Bob next.

Cos having Bob on your show would wow the folks at home

because he's...he's handsome

and he... I tell you, he can turn out stories like hot cross buns.

We're actually doing an interview...

However, you're not allowed to show Bob's mouth moving,

but then get someone else to say daft stuff

and make it look like Bob's saying it.

Like when that dog said "Sausages" on Tomorrow's World, you know?

Mm-hm?

Hey, Georgie!

- Mr Edwards, thank you very much. - Thank you, Sally. Thank you.

- It's for the lunchtime bulletin, yeah? - Yeah.

- Thanks. - Nice to meet you.

Have you not done telly before, pal. You looked a bit nervy.

I've done a fair bit.

Three Question Times, a couple of Andy Marrs. You?

Absolutely. There was a table tennis marathon

in the town hall for Children In Need. I was in the crowd.

But apparently I had real stage presence.

Well, we've got a long day of interviews, so...

Good luck with the table tennis.

He wasn't playing, he was in the crowd.

Bob Servant, independent, standing in the by-election.

- Right. - Can we do a wee chat?

Local face to thrill the folks back home.

We just need a few quick shots of the river and then we're done.

Ha! Come with us.

What did I tell you? Best view in Broughty Ferry. Seeing as you're here,

we might as well do a wee interview.

Five minutes.

Deal. Standard chat show drill - I tell an anecdote,

we have a wee laugh, you make fun of me, but in a way that shows you respect me.

Just, you know...the by-election.

Fine. Eyes on the prize.

Oh, can we blur out the extension? I don't want copycats.

- I think you'll be OK. - Well, put it this way,

if next week some boy in EastEnders has an extension like mine,

I'll be the guy on the London train wi' a sledgehammer.

Broughty Ferry breakfasts all roond.

- Breakfast? We really don't have time. - Oh...

have a drink.

A drink?

Single measures in the morning.

Och, jee...

It'll be 20 minutes max.

Just a bit of a diversion, we've got some...nut.

It's Colin, isn't it?

Yes.

Tiny little batteries you've got there, Colin.

I suppose they are, yeah.

They're like the wee Coca-Cola cans you get on the airplanes.

Right.

I was over at that Magaluf a couple of year ago, you know?

People in the hotel banged on about the ham

and how it tastes different, you know.

I mean, I just says to them, you know, "What do you expect?"

I mean, seriously, what do you expect?

Sorry, are you asking me?

You know, it's a different country, you know?

Different ham.

Breakfast is in the post.

Oh, feel free to CGI in something behind me.

- We'll... - A jungle or something.

- Are we going? - Vine-y.

So, why are you standing?

Why is Bob Servant standing?

I see myself like a horse.

I've got a few parasites on me

and there are a few people wanting to take me for a ride,

and maybe there are a few

trying to send me to the glue factory, but I'm still oot there,

winning the Broughty Ferry Grand National, jumping over the fences,

- waving at the punters. - Are you the jockey or the horse?

The horse.

How would you wave?

With a tail?

Can we not have other voices off?

So, in a nutshell, why are you standing in the by-election?

Well, Sally, in a nutshell,

when I was a young man there was a talent contest in Broughty Ferry.

You got the usual suspects, you know, the jugglers, the animal noises.

But there was a little girl who asked if she could sing.

She was a complete naebody.

She was nervous and she didn't have what we in Broughty Ferry call star quality.

But that wee girl opened her mooth and rainbows fell out.

She nearly took the roof aff the town hall.

And do you know...?

Do you know who that little girl was?

It was...

- Annie Lennox. - ...Annie Le...

What's wrong with you?

I'm-I'm sorry, Bob.

So, in a nutshell, Sally,

I want to be Annie Lennox.

So, what's Timmy Mallett like?

You know, in-in-in real life.

- Can we get going? - Let's just get this cut and sent.

OK, folks, it's sausage time.

We really need to go.

But it's the traditional Broughty Ferry breakfast.

- The sausage surprise. - What's the surprise?

I think, just how many sausages there are.

And this is in the lunchtime bulletin?

If we can leave, yeah.

Well, Colin, it's been absolutely terrific to meet you, all right?

All right.

On the telly, Bob.

That's the media sorted, Frank.

Even the boo boys can't argue with TV.

Let them try.

You know, Frank, people respect TV.

I mean, I know it's all changed with celebrity culture

and everyone wants to have their nipples pierced and get on Crimewatch.

But there's something magical about TV, Frank.

And you know why?

Because no-one really knows how a TV works.

- Guilty. - Yep.

Once you're on TV, everybody gives you respect.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Margo, you've got a visitor.

What the hell have you done?

Hello, Ma.

Don't you "Hello, Ma" me, Robert Servant.

What's this politics stuff everyone's going on about?

You'll see in a minute.

Francis, what's he done?

Mrs Servant, if I may,

our political campaign is going as successfully as your wonderful cardigan.

Oh, Francis, always the charmer.

- How are you feeling, Ma? - I'm awful.

Now, where's this girlfriend, or have you scared her off already?

No, no, no, no, she's still in favour.

And this one's a pilot?

- Uh-huh. - Well, where is she?

Up there...somewhere.

You know, Ma, sometimes I think she loves that plane mair than she loves me.

But she disnae. She loves me more than the plane.

It doesn't do a couple good to be apart

- all the time. - We keep in touch.

She does that thing where you write messages in the sky.

I mean, I'll be out for a walk, she'll fly past, beep her horn and write,

"Oi, Bob, don't you go talking to other women

"or I'll come down there, land this plane and knock you out."

She's joking, of course.

I mean, she's no' a vigilante.

And how much did you spend on the extension in the end?

Oh, well...

it was a calculated risk.

Oh, Robert, you rush into things, you don't think things through.

Oh, really? Oh, really?

OK. Well, let's see what happened when I rushed into politics, shall we?

Aye.

- That's Broughty Ferry! - So it is!

He's handsome.

TV: Also standing in the by-election is local man...

- Robert! - ...Bob Servant.

I see myself like a horse.

I wanna be Annie Lennox.

It's sausage time!

By-election candidate there... Brian Servant.

Now the weather.

MAN: A very good afternoon to you.

Already seeing showers developing across Scotland...

Oh, Robert...

...That said, though, there will be some decent...

- Where did you meet this pilot, Bob? - Pilot?

Oh, Frank! We've got bigger concerns than that.

Now, let's assess the damage.

- What can I get you, lads? - A couple of pints, please, Stewpot.

How's the Annie Lennox thing coming along, then?

They twisted my words.

Right... Right.

You did say, "I want to be Annie Lennox," though?

- It was a simile. - Oh!

OK.

- How's life as a horse? - Simile!

It's sausage time!

These googly-eyes as well! Whoo-hoo! And his moustache!

I know! He looks like a fat walrus. Whoo-oo!

What a total bell-end.

- I'm under pressure, Frank. - Terrible pressure.

I feel like that wee boy in Holland wi' his penis in the dam.

- They've made us look stupid. - Particularly you.

Frank, if we lose the media,

the game's over.

Those people can make or break you.

Look what they've done to asylum seekers.

Or Cherry Coke.

Oh, it's brutal.

It's like the chip shops.

Remember, when we started the burger vans,

and the chip shop people spoke to their friends in the media?

And it was "health and safety" this, "meat of unclear origin" that.

I do, yes.

And then we got the media along

and you sat down, ate our entire stock in front of them.

Worst day of my life.

Physically, yes.

But as a business, it set us on our way.

Couldnae feel my hands for three days.

You see, that's what we need, Frank. We need to strike back.

I'm no' eating that stuff again, Bob.

Forget about the telly! I'm gonna have a press conference!

And we'll have it right here!

- Here? - Perfect place.

It shows me as someone who's obviously better than other people

but is happy to pretend he's no'.

Like the time the Queen went on Total Wipeout.

- I'm still no' sure that was her, Bob. - Stewpot!

Great news!

Not exactly a full house, Frank.

It was short notice, Bob.

But they're all A-list.

Now, you be careful, Frank.

That lot are like a pack of wolves.

If I don't win them over...

they'll listen to my phone calls,

hack into our tellies,

and take topless photos of us while we're asleep.

Topless?! From the back?

From the front.

Service!

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

This evening...

I will be sleeping on my front.

No, no. Don't get up, folks.

Lovely.

Sorry, Stewpot, pal.

You're in my eye line there.

It's a bit off-putting. Could you...?

Bit more, please.

Bit more!

That's us!

Right, you lot,

open your briefcases, take out your fountain pens,

because I'm gonna give you an exclusive peek through the Bob curtain.

Bill Wood, Broughty Bugle.

I'm still trying to figure out

- this whole Annie Lennox situation. - Non-story!

Fish and chip wrappers.

- Yes, I know, but... - Look,

get one thing straight.

I don't need the media.

Traditionally, I do my work through whispers,

but there's nae harm in getting you lot

to send out what I would call secondary whispers.

I mean, I know it's unfashionable to say this,

but I actually trust you lot.

Maggie Johnston, Carnoustie Enquirer.

What particular behavioural patterns do you feel you share with a horse?

As I was saying...

I trust you lot.

I certainly trust you a lot mair than that telly mob.

They beg you for an interview then shoot you in the balls.

So, let's work together here, huh?

Hmm? I'll gie you some dynamite to sprinkle in your stories,

and tomorrow, when the readers open their papers...

Bangity-boom-bang!

...they'll be blown to smithereens.

Two more pints, please, Stewpot.

HE SIGHS

That's me about to pull the trigger on a new bathroom.

OK...

Are you a bathroom fan?

No.

I tell you, Stewpot...

...get yoursel' a good bathroom,

you're halfway there.

I use mine as a panic room.

...So if the Zulus had just attacked the compound from one side,

rather than a pincer movement, it would have been over in minutes...

and the movie would never have been made.

Does that answer your question?

Not in any way.

HE SIGHS

- Hey, you. - Jimmy Walker,

Broughty Ferry Bus Fans By-Monthly Newsletter.

Who?

What is your favourite bus route?

Number 26 to Fintry.

Best atmosphere in town!

OK, down to business.

Let's talk politics.

Um...this Annie Lennox act,

- is it a Dame Edna kind of thing? - Listen!

I admire the woman, she's got the lungs of a dolphin,

but I don't want to be Annie Lennox.

- That's too much pressure. - Oh, I could handle the pressure.

- Big crowds, long tours? - Aye, you have to remember all the words.

Look, if I wanted to be Annie Lennox, I could be Annie Lennox! Don't write that down.

We're mocking up a photo of you as a horse. Any particular colour?

- Black, white stripe down the nose. - Do you know any funny bus stories?

Thousands. This is ridiculous!

I'm a serious candidate!

I mean, you wouldn't treat the Edwards like this, would you?

Your favourite bus story, though.

HE SIGHS

1994, number 17 to Stobswell. There was a guy on the bus

looked exactly like Nigel Mansell,

and I said, "If you were driving the bus,

"we'd be home before we knew it." Everybody laughed, including the driver.

Look, we're missing the point here!

You need to tell your readers that that stuff on the telly was nonsense!

I am a serious candidate!

Well, so far in your campaign you've announced two firm policies -

that you would shoot dogs

and that you want to be Annie Lennox.

To be blunt, that makes you sound like a bit of a weirdo.

- A weirdo?! - Look, I'm sorry, Mr Servant,

but you're running this shambolic campaign with your brother...

My brother?!

...and...well, it's frankly very difficult

- to take anything you say seriously. - Fine!

Fine. Fine, fine. Don't listen to me.

I'll take you to meet someone,

someone who'll tell you about the real Bob Servant

- straight from the horse's mouth. - Um...

Not a real horse.

Ma...

Ma...

Ma...

Ma-a-a...

Hello, Robert.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

MARGO SIGHS

Do any of you lot know Colin the cameraman?

I tell you, a hell of a guy.

BOB: Right, here we go.

Mrs Servant, what are your thoughts on Bob standing in the by-election?

Well, it's terrible.

Terrible for the opposition.

You know, what Mum would say if she wasn't stuffed to the gills with medication...

I'm not on any medication.

...is that I was a funny wee caterpillar

who used to get himself into scrapes,

but he'd burrow away and, one way or another,

that funny wee caterpillar turned himself into a very successful swan.

Absolute nonsense!

- You're nonsense. - Right, then.

I'll take one question for the wee angel.

We'll go with yoursel'.

- Favourite bus route? - 26 to Fintry.

Best atmosphere in town.

Right, folks, that's your lot.

- The wee angel must sleep. - Oh, for Christ's sake!

Do you think your son can win this by-election?

- Of course she does. - No!

- What? - Robert fills his time

with nonsense like this.

He's just...lonely.

Lonely?! Anything but.

Yes, Robert, lonely. I know you've got Francis, your best pal...

- He's top five. - ...but you get bored, your mind wanders,

next thing, you come up with something like this.

So...you're saying what?

That he's a bit of a show-off?

- I beg your pardon? - Here we go.

Your son - he's clearly an attention-seeker.

- Don't you speak about Robert like that! - You've poked the bear now.

Who do you think you are?

- I'm... - Don't you dare come in here

and call Robert names.

People have been calling him names his whole life!

He's just a bit...different.

He always has been.

He wore a nappy till he was seven.

Insurance.

And he'd cry if the girls talked to him.

- It was a tactic. - Oh, and the ideas,

- always the ideas. - OK, Mum.

How he'd swim to Norway

or invent a hairbrush which shampooed your hair at the same time.

- The foam comb. - Only the other week,

he thought the FBI were after him.

I had a new postman. It was very confusing.

Oh, but forget all that.

If Robert wants to have a shot at the politics

then why shouldn't he?

It can't be any dafter than the next thing he'd think of.

- There you go! - And you can't stop

someone trying the politics just cos he's got a head full of mince.

Now, that's a poster.

OK, OK, she's getting a bit confused now.

Come on, boys, that's your lot. One photograph.

Let's run wi'...

"Local man's mum gives him the big thumbs up."

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to Broughty Ferry

or, as I like to think of it today,

the harbour of hope.

Indeed, the port of peace. A great philosopher once said...

Look at him Frank. Look at him.

He just thinks he's the new Lenny Henry.

...And it's children that we're here to talk about.

Do you know what people love, Frank?

Saucy films?

Saucy films...

and...?

Rescues.

People love rescues.

Even the media can't get enough of them.

Look at Dunkirk.

Or them miners in Chile that got stuck in that cupboard.

Francis...

let us give them a rescue.

...Adam, I look at Adam here, and I think back

to what I was doing at Adam's age...

...Sir Alex Ferguson, Bob Paisley

and a young 12-year-old body builder from Fountainbridge

called Sean Connery.

I want these kids to grow up in a Broughty Ferry

where they feel they can shoot for the moon

because it's up there

where these little stars belong.

Sweet Jesus!

How the hell did he get up there?!

GASPING

We've got a jumper!

Right, folks, right. We've got a bit of a Chernobyl on our hands,

but with a wee bit of magic

I can turn this into a good-news story.

- We'd better call the police. - Oh, no, no, no.

I'll talk him down.

He won't hear you.

Right.

Right.

Oh...

I wonder...

...if this might help.

A big hello to the man on the roof!

Good afternoon, everybody.

My name is Trevor

and I am terrifically sad.

Textbook jumper talk.

We don't know that.

I feel like jumping off this castle

and smashing myself to smithereens.

Carry on, Trevor.

My name is Trevor

and I am sad

because of the whole situation.

I am the saddest man in Broughty Ferry.

My life is like a black hole

that goes all the way down to Australia.

Could you tell us your surname, please, Trevor?

I don't think Trevor knows his surname.

How would he not know his surname?

Oh, fine, fine.

Trevor!

Can you tell us your surname?

Er...

Colin.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

My name is Trevor Colin.

Happy now?

Well, Trevor, I don't know if I can help you.

I'm just an independent candidate

trying to do my best for Broughty Ferry.

You seem to be someone who will stand up for the little guy...

and also the big guy,

because it's ridiculous to say that little guys

deserve all the breaks.

Spot-on! You're spot-on there, Trevor.

Now I think it's time we got you down.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

Now, Trevor, it's reasonably important

that you land quite close to the X.

You know, Trevor, we all get sad...

Hey! Hey! What's your game?

...and do you ever get the feeling, Trevor,

that the whole world knows something you don't

and you're just a silly little cog in a big machine?

I do, Mr Edwards, yes.

Ignore him, please, Trevor!

Have you ever wondered, Trevor,

if you've made the wrong decisions in life

and that it's too late to change them?

Um...most mornings

- and every night-time. - Hey!

Hey, I'm talking him down.

Mm-hm. Trevor, I know what it's like

to feel like you're not in control of your life...

...but you know what, Trevor?

You're in control now.

- Look at all these people down here. - No, Trevor!

Don't look!

Ohh!

There's thousands of you.

- Hang on, is that...? - That's his brother.

He's not my brother!

It's his campaign manager.

It could be a lookalike.

That's a fitting end to your...idiotic campaign.

All right, all right.

All right, folks. All right. Let's go with, "Bob Servant in an almost-rescue."

"Bob does his best. That's all anyone can ask."

Ooh!

"Hassle at the castle!"

# Why... #

Bob!

Bob!

I've got the most awful pins and needles.

# ...I may be mad, I may be blind

- # I may be viciously unkind... # - Dead as a dodo.

Bob!

# ...But I can still read what you're thinking

# Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh-ooh-ooh

# And I've heard it said too many times

# That you'd be better off Besides... #

Hello, Colin?

It's... It's Frank, from this morning.

No, no, no. You didn't... You didn't leave anything.

No, no. I-I... I was... I was just wondering, but...

Och, look, it's...it's probably daft,

but, er, the Broughty Bugle are running a bus trip to Alton Towers

and I was, you know, I was just wondering if you'd like to join me.

She could come too.

Well, look...

Yep, OK. Listen, not to bother.

Listen, I've... I've got my swimming lessons anyway.

OK.

Yep. I'll see you later, pal. Bye.

Bye.

#...Why

# I don't think you know what I feel

# You don't know what I feel... #