The Debate Bob Servant

This programme contains some strong language

-I always thought the heart would be bigger.

-Hearts vary hugely in size, Frank.

And who had the smallest?

Well, I would say it's probably a toss-up between Hitler

and whoever stole my golf clubs.

Ah, Mr Servant.

Aye.

How did things work out with the extra leg?

In the end, it wasn't actually an extra leg.

Really?

HE LAUGHS

Was it, as I told you repeatedly, a reducible hernia?

I think we were both right.

What can I do for you?

Tonight is the by-election debate,

a big show, live audience, talk of the town,

blah, blah, blah, blah.

I need a little something.

A little something?

-Francis.

-Thanks, Bob.

Yes, we require a pill or a potion

that will make Bob's eyes twinkle like pricey diamonds,

make his hair look like he washed it in a Caribbean waterfall,

and that will make his voice go very deep

so he sounds like the man who tells you about other films,

you know, when you go to watch the films.

The debate's in two hours.

Hey, Georgie!

The problem wi' doctors, Frank,

is they keep the best stuff to themselves.

Have you ever been to a doctor's party?

-No.

-Neither have I.

I bet they're brilliant.

Oh, here we go.

Atletico Bell-end.

So, you all set for the big debate?

Oh, is that tonight?

Yeah, we're just throwing in a quick five-miler, you know. Clear the head.

Five miles? I do that in my slippers.

You're a runner?

-I ran to Aberdeen once.

-You ran to Aberdeen(?)

Sprinted. There was rumours of a closing-down sale.

-OK.

-Unfounded.

Well, I look forward to sparring with you later.

I see!

That'll be like the lambs voting for Christmas.

Turkeys.

-You said lambs.

-Turkeys.

-It was lambs.

-Turkeys.

It sounded like lambs over here, Bob.

Et tu, Bruno?

Look how strong he is, Bob.

Oh, Frank, that's just gym strength.

Out in the real world you need what is known as street strength.

OK, OK, that guy can lift dumbbells,

but can he shake trees to get down scared cats?

Probably.

You see, that is what they call street strength.

I believe you are looking at joining?

Not so much joining, just a wee kind of boost.

Are you not the guy we caught trying to steal tennis rackets?

I wasn't thinking straight, somebody stole my golf clubs, I just lashed out.

-Right.

-Anyway, pal,

tonight is the big by-election debate

and I am looking to get some work done.

-What kind of work?

-Thank you, Bob.

CLEARS THROAT

Right, Bob's arms and legs speak for themselves,

but can you have a wee look at his stomach?

There is no major cause for concern

but you might as well take an inch aff for a laugh.

Also, there would be no harm in giving the thighs a wee tighten,

-and taking ten years...

-Five years.

Er, five years aff his cheekbones.

When were you hoping to see results?

We've got an hour and a half.

-Minus travel time.

-And we still need to have our tea.

Forget the physical preparation, Frank.

Mental preparation, that's the game.

And it all starts with this -

brain food.

Bob, we should probably go over some policies.

Aw, debate is not about policies, Frank.

-No?

-Oh, quite the opposite,

quite the opposite. Look at the great debaters -

Churchill, Thatcher, Anneka Rice.

Those people thought on their feet. Lived aff their wits.

Is that our plan, to live aff our wits?

Stand up.

Right, I am going to hit Edwards with a wee one-two.

Do you remember when you said I didn't know how to Derren Brown someone,

-and I Derren Brown-ed you?

-Yes, yes,

you made me think I was a robot.

Well, I've got a wee Derren Brown just for Edwards.

Secondly, start talking.

About what?

Anything.

Talk about who you are.

OK. Um...

my name is Frank and I am...

campaign manager...

Carry on.

Um...

I'm campaign manager f-f-for...

Bob and I...

I...

I'm sorry, Bob, I can't do it.

You see?

I call that one "up close and personal".

Well, it's bloody dynamite.

Works well with plumbers.

Right, let's get going.

Call the taxi for the town hall, I'll go and dig out...the shirt.

It's not at the town hall, Bob.

The debate's in Dundee.

I beg your pardon?

I've got to hand it to Edwards, Frank.

He's a clever bastard.

They've looked at this situation and thought,

"Right, Bob's a Broughty Ferry man.

"Get him in front of a Broughty Ferry audience,

"it will be absolute Beatlemania.

"No, let's tak' him to Dundee, shake him up a bit."

They said there was nowhere big enough round about here.

Oh, really? How convenient.

Well, there's not.

A Dundee crowd, Frank.

That changes everything.

They're still Scottish, Bob.

I mean...you can always play the Braveheart card.

I will not play the Braveheart card, Frank.

It's a cheap move and I don't need it.

I'll beat Edwards and the rest mano-a-o-mano.

Bob...

Edwards is younger, and may I say, a proper politician.

And may I say, a bit of a dish.

But, I mean, he couldn't beat the Braveheart card, Bob.

No-one can.

Francis, go and stand over there till the bus comes.

-But, Bob...

-Over there!

Do you think this is where they make Top Of The Pops?

Oh, who cares?

I'm not impressed by this lot, Frank.

The BBC are a bunch of crooks, making us pay our licence fee

just so they can eat strawberry sandwiches at Wimbledon.

And Attenborough can go and build himself a big hoose at the North Pole.

It's an absolute swindle.

I support the satellite mob, they don't take themselves too seriously

and it doesn't cost you a penny...

once you've got the box, had it installed,

paid the subscription and removed the parental lock.

Mr Servant.

Don't be ridiculous.

So what, are we talking BBC One?

No, it's not on television.

Well, this was a waste of time.

It's on Radio Scotland.

Radio Scotland?

That's for drunks.

-Aye, or fishermen.

-Or both.

Did I see you on Scotland At One?

-No, no, no.

-Absolutely not.

Quite the reverse.

Oh, my good God!

Cool, Frank, keep cool.

It's like being in a spaceship.

-Excuse me?

-Yes?

Can we get this raised a little? He doesn't want to hit it with his hands.

-No problem.

-EDWARDS:

-Is this my radio tie?

-Yes.

-Good.

And a glass of water would be good as well.

Something Scottish, not Irish or Welsh.

-That would be great, thank you.

-Water, thank you.

Hello, hello, producer hen.

Um, I'll take this one.

OK.

But, er, could I have a few tweaks as well?

-Tweaks?

-Mm-hm,

could you make it see-through?

I don't want any stupid rumours about me not having any legs.

Yeah...

can I get you guys to the green room?

Can I get you anything?

Is it aeroplane prices?

All food and drink is complimentary.

Well, er, could I have a ham sandwich?

Absolutely. Anything else?

Oh, um, may I trouble you for a cold lemonade?

No problem.

Who are these two, Frank?

He's the socialist candidate.

-Mm-hm.

-And she's an environmental person.

-Ah.

-Lovely hair.

Oh, forget about them, Frank, wannabes.

Local show-offs that dinnae ken the first thing about politics.

Oh, here we go, Frank.

Ah, tonight is about me and him.

We are the big guns.

I tell you, Frank, when me and him have a go at each other,

it is going to make Vietnam look like Crufts.

Oh, thanking you kindly.

Just ignore him.

Hey, Bob, do you think this is what it's like at the Oscars?

No.

So, the BBC.

This must be quite an exciting little expedition for you two.

I prefer ITV2...

...Plus 1.

The people's channel.

DOOR OPENS

OK, I think you all know today's moderator.

-Anders! ANDERS:

-Evening, everyone.

Round two for us, is it, Anders?

I suppose so.

Uh-huh, "Fumble In The Jungle".

OK, so boring stuff first, folks.

-FRANK:

-Could I have a hot coffee, please?

And a selection of edible biscuits?

-ANDERS:

-So...let's chat debate.

I want to start by banging out agreement on question order.

No chance.

-What?

-We don't negotiate with terrorists.

As you'll have noticed, due to the guidelines

we have to invite all candidates this evening.

That's a wee bit sexist, Anders.

As it is a broader debate, I'm happy to be a little bit flexible on subject matter,

but any hot po-tatties we need to be throwing out of the kitchen?

No, no hot po-tatties.

-We won't talk about gay marriage.

-Apart from that...

-po-tattie.

-Yeah, that's a deal breaker.

And I won't talk about former lovers. It's not fair for them.

I would sincerely hope that's a given.

And I am not giving in to the whole argument about,

should small guys be allowed to use extra long snooker cues?

Brings out the fanatics.

The poo-in-the-post brigade.

Aye, and that's a deal breaker.

We can cope with that.

Right then, folks, I will see you shortly to, er, crank out some politics.

I presume there's a full ban on magic tricks?

-Yep.

-Good.

-FRANK:

-Ah, coffee looks fine.

And the biscuits are...

..perfect.

Why don't I have any notes, Frank?

-You said we didn't need any.

-No, I didn't.

You said we'd live aff our wits. Like Anneka Rice.

Right.

Time to play my first ace.

No, we definitely won't be doing that.

I want you to maintain that air of confidence at all times.

OK, there?

Yes.

Good. Good.

Tell me, have you been to the toilet?

Yes.

Ah, great.

I just hope, when we're out there,

debating away like panthers,

you don't suddenly find yourself needing to go...

-..to the toilet.

-Right.

That's all I hope.

He's Derren Brown and you're...

Don't tell him!

Are you OK? You seem a bit nervous.

Me? Nervous?

-Extremely.

-Very edgy.

Haud these.

I've only been nervous three times in my life.

-OK.

-The day I was born,

when I first used a SodaStream

and that time I thought I saw Fred West in Argos.

And there won't be a fourth.

DOOR OPENS

Hello?

Ten minutes, please, folks.

Have you been to the toilet?

-May I have a lemon sorbet?

-Piss off.

Look at all the people, Bob.

They look like ants.

Everything OK, Bob?

Oh, we're OK, Frank.

We should be absolutely OK.

Have you got, you know,

-some ideas?

-Ideas, Frank?

Hunners.

Hunners.

And yourself?

Have you got any bright ideas going spare?

Bob, you don't want to hear any of my ideas.

Oh, I actually do, Frank.

I really, really do.

You're kind of putting me on the spot here, Bob.

We're all on the spot, Frank.

I'm on the biggest fucking spot in town.

Bob, I think perhaps it would help if,

maybe you should think about considering calming down just a little bit.

One idea, Frank, just one to get things started.

Er...

Free wellies?

What with?

Er...

MOTs?

Jesus Christ.

-ANDERS:

-Two minutes, guys.

I'll introduce you individually.

-Ha-ha!

-APPLAUSE

-CHIRPY VOICE:

-Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening and please welcome to the studio >

the first by-election candidate, it's Mr Nick Edwards! >

APPLAUSE

Frank, go and tell the DJ to give us the biggest party tune he's got.

-I want well-managed hysteria. FRANK:

-I've got it.

-ANDERS:

-And from the Environmental Party, it's Susan Blackburn!

APPLAUSE

That's £20 cash.

-ANDERS, DOUR VOICE:

-..The final candidate, who we are duty bound

to have with us this evening is independent candidate,

it's Mr Bob Servant.

MUSIC: "Heavy" by Chase & Status feat Dizzee Rascal

Well, hello, hello!

Thank you, thank you for coming.

Great to see you all.

MUSIC CONTINUES

A very exciting night.

-Mr Servant.

-The clash of the...

Oh-ho.

The business of show.

We offered targeted support across society.

Investment in factories.

BOB: Good, honest men.

-Investment in primary schools.

-Ditto.

And a society that can be judged on how it treats

those for whom every day is a struggle.

-Milkmen?

-Anders.

Lots to chew on there, folks.

Mr Edwards, fire your first bullets.

-FRANK:

-That's your one up now.

Tax, health,

education, local business -

that's my DNA.

That's my handprint.

-Only a handprint?

-Sorry?

I go a hell of a lot deeper than a handprint, pal.

-A hell of a lot deeper.

-Mr Servant,

you cannot interrupt opening comments.

No, actually, Anders, I'm intrigued.

What exactly do you mean by "deeper than a handprint"?

I'll tell you. Put it this way, if one of this mob was to come over here

and split me open with an axe,

take out my heart, cut it open with a penknife

and inside there would be a key and that key would open a box.

And inside that box there'd be a note.

And that note would say, "Vote Bob Servant."

-LAUGHTER

-But he'd be dead.

They'd patch me back together.

-BLACKBURN:

-An investment in public transport is an investment in the environment.

I will push for direct trains to London.

Let me trump you there.

I'll push for direct trains to Ireland.

Guys. Guys, guys, guys, I'm hearing a lot about investment here.

But I'm asking, where is that money coming from?

-The EU?

-I certainly hope not, Anders.

I think I'm on record as saying that the EU has to take

some responsibility for the problems that we face today.

APPLAUSE

You know, people say the EU is all straight bananas

and having to wear crash helmets to cut the grass.

But don't forget about the good things they've done.

-Such as?

-Pulling down the Berlin Wall.

Getting rid of pesetas.

And making Bucks Fizz rip aff their skirts.

Come on, folks, let's give them a chance.

HE TAPS THE MICROPHONE Is this thing on?

As long as the bankers are OK

then that's all that seems to matter to this Government.

That is just a tired old cliche.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He is spot-on.

Bankers are arrogant.

They are arrogant.

There's this guy works for the Abbey National in Brook Street

and he thinks he is bloody God's gift to women because he rides a motorbike.

You're spot-on!

-How is this relevant?

-Because he parks it right outside

like he owns the place.

In the last ten minutes of every day, he walks around

with all the gear on like he is Evel Knievel.

He's a bloody poser!

Could we please talk about subjects that actually affect people's lives?

That affects my life every Friday.

OK, um, Susan, the floor is yours.

Why don't you just chop us out some policies?

-Well, the Human Rights Act.

-Oh, here we go.

This Government are clearly intending to dilute it.

The trouble with the Human Rights Act is, where does it end?

I mean, of course, of course you shouldn't be allowed to harm humans.

But does that apply to animals?

Or children?

I mean, you've got to draw the line somewhere.

-FRANK:

-You know, this is all off-the-cuff.

Really(?)

-ANDERS:

-Let me just take this opportunity to drag it back to local issues.

Well, I'm the man for that. Unlike these three, I'm a Broughty Ferry man.

What difference does that actually make?

I'll tell you what difference that makes.

The difference it makes is that my policies...

My policies...are the best.

OK. OK, well, why don't you plate us up one policy?

Well, I will. I will.

OK, here goes.

Er...

Er, not free wellies.

-Free wellies?

-Not free wellies!

I mean, I don't even know why I'm mentioning the wellies.

I mean, I've got better stuff than that, but it's just that,

I've got wellies on the brain. Someone...

Someone put the idea of free wellies in my head and now I can't get rid of them.

All I can see now, you know, is just wellies, you know, wellies, wellies,

wellies.

Wellies.

Wellies.

Let's vox some pops.

You!

What are the candidates' positions on crime?

Largely against it.

Crime is a cancer in Broughty Ferry.

-AUDIENCE:

-Hear, hear!

And, if elected, I will work tirelessly, tirelessly, with the police

and local community groups, to cut this cancer out of our lives for ever.

Thank you very much.

APPLAUSE

How does that get a clap?

-Ask it!

-Do you support gay marriage?

-BLACKBURN:

-Absolutely.

-Of course.

200%. I always say, when you look at what men have to go through with women,

if some of those brave men one day should turn round and decide,

"That's it, I've just had it with the skirt.

"I'm going to hang about with other men and have a laugh, and maybe,

"maybe every so often, after one or two many drinks, we'll have a quick cuddle,"

well, then, for me, that's absolutely just about fine.

And lesbians?

An urban myth. AUDIENCE MURMUR DISAGREEMENT

Not too popular with the audience there.

Oh, forget that lot.

-AUDIENCE:

-Boo!

We shouldn't be talking to this mob anyway, they're not Broughty Ferry folk.

Bob, the entire audience are Broughty Ferry voters.

All right, all right. Hands up all those from Broughty Ferry.

Bollocks.

Moving on, Mr Edwards, gay marriage?

What I want to say is this, it doesn't matter who is getting married,

you won't find a more beautiful place to do it than Broughty Ferry.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

-Now, Anders,

I would like to talk about business. I want Broughty Ferry

to be a beacon of industry,

a diamond, if you will, in the recession's rough.

APPLAUSE

Mrs Edwards, your husband is about to get egg all over his lovely face.

But business...

But business has to be born.

It has to be...

..created.

And I want Broughty Ferry to be a maternity ward

full...of beautiful...

business...

babies.

Mr Servant.

A vote for Nick Edwards is a vote...

-for prosperity.

-Bob.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it would seem like I have an admirer.

LAUGHTER

Still, the New Statesman did say that I had a certain magnetic quality.

So, er...back to selling cheeseburgers, I think.

LAUGHTER

Is that a laughter track?

No.

As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen,

-I know the value of employment.

-That was like watching someone drown.

A vote for Nick Edwards is a vote for business.

APPLAUSE

I know what it is to be employed,

I was brought up in a very...

-FRANK:

-(Bob!)

-..humble townhouse in Shropshire.

(Bob!)

-(Braveheart!)

-..A non-executive director

on a series of FTSE 250 companies...

-And what about Scotland?

-Sorry?

You are all standing there with your policies, your notes and your lovely hair,

and there's a question that keeps

going round and round in my head like a trapped parrot -

what's Scotland getting out of this?

My party has always supported self...

I'm not talking about policies, pal, I'm talking about the people. Us.

The oppressed.

Always have been and always will be.

We're like the Red Indians.

How exactly are you oppressed?

OK, OK.

Answer me this, how come Cilla Black got that Blind Date job and not Lulu?

-MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

-Did Lulu apply?

She shouldn't have to apply.

-AUDIENCE:

-Hear, hear!

And why were The Krankies not invited to play at Band Aid?

Oh, but can The Krankies sing, is the question?!

AUDIENCE GASPS

Can they sing?!

And why, why when you divided up Britain, did you give us the top bit?

-Exactly!

-That clearly wasn't our decision.

Oh, I bet you had a right laugh at that one, didn't you?

Sitting down there, drinking your pina coladas.

While we're up here freezing our balls off.

Well, I'll tell you, pal.

I'll tell you what England's like.

England is like a big brother who borrows your snazziest shoes, goes ten pin bowling,

forgets to change his shoes back,

comes home with the ten pin bowling shoes and says,

"Oh, well, it looks as if you'd better become a ten pin bowling fan

"whether you like it or not."

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, here's the headlines, Mr Edwards.

We don't want to be ten pin bowlers, do we?

-AUDIENCE:

-No!

Ladies and gentlemen of Broughty Ferry, let's send England a message

they'll never forget.

Let's tell them that they can forget their cricket,

their fajitas and their Roger Moore.

We'll have the football, the cheeseburgers

and Sean Connery coming oot from under the water in his tiny little bikini.

CHEERING

So, Mr Edwards, you go back down there

and you tell the Prime Minister that we've had enough.

APPLAUSE

Tell him that the people of Broughty Ferry will not be pushed around any more.

Tell him, tell him, tell him that when the people of Broughty Ferry want to go

to the toilet, they will go to the toilet any time they want.

And tell him, tell him, tell him to give us back the Falklands!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Theme from "Superman"

# Let's think about livin'

# Let's think about lovin'

# Let's think about the whoopin' and the hoppin' and the boppin'

# And the lovie, lovie dovin'

# Let's forget about the whinin' and the cryin' and the shootin' and the dyin'

# And the fellow with a switchblade knife... #

CHEERING

# ..Let's think about lovin'

# Let's think about the whoopin' and the hoppin' and the boppin'

# And the lovie, lovie dovin'

# Let's forget about the whinin' and the cryin' and the shootin' and the dyin'... #

CHEERING

Oh, Beatlemania, Frank!

Beatle-fucking-mania!

# ...Let's think about living Let's think about life

# Let's think about living Let's think about life

# Let's think about living Let's think about life

# Let's think about living... #