Election Day Bob Servant

-We'll stick a banner up here.

-Saying what?

"Congratulations to Bob Servant on winning

the Broughty Ferry by-election.

"Have a few drinks on us and go bananas.

"All the very best, the Bob Servant independent campaign."

You could edit that doon a bit.

How much are you putting behind the bar?

Oh, er... The alcohol budget is £60, right?

Now, that's... that's three drinks per person.

Now, please mark people's hands for their first two drinks

and then their forehead for the third.

I'm not daein' that.

And I want a real buzz aboot the place.

Lots of excitement, with a keen sense of danger and uncertainty

-with absolutely nae limits - got it?

-Nuh.

And I want people standing here

wondering if they're gonna have a few drinks, and maybe,

I don't know...

wake up...

in the Congo.

The atmosphere budget is £15.

Contains some strong language.

Hey, Georgie!

Bob, without sounding like an awfa greedy guts,

dae I get the election deposit back tonight?

Yep, and probably some prize money on top.

Thank God. Money's for my new bathroom.

-And you deserve it.

-Thanks, Bob.

Good people, good people!

Where are all our posters, Frank?

Ah, you only need one, Bob. They all say the same thing.

Aye, it's a good day to die.

Common sense will prevail.

-We're getting positive vibes from the undecided.

-Oh, good for you.

-Er, good afternoon. Nick Edwards.

Er, now, if you don't mind me saying, you look of retirement age. Here...

Have a gander at my policies for ring-fencing pension funds.

-They're...

-Are you the boy

that was on the radio talking aboot The Krankies?

Bob Servant, independent, in the flesh.

He's my man!

Well, that's a definite.

There's a long way to go.

Come on, darling.

What a day, Frank. What a day!

And not a boo boy in sight.

Right, Bob, final push. We're going door to door.

Oh, plenty of time for that, Frank. Plenty of time for that.

I've got a wee meeting back at the extension.

How can I help you, Bob?

Well, I thought, you know,

while I'm in London, maybe your mob

could use the extension as a cathedral.

-No.

-Or some sort of prayer room.

Punters could come and pray that maybe one day

they'd have an extension of their own.

Prayer is reserved for spiritual concerns.

I want to send a message to the people.

I wanna tell them that although Bob's body may be in London,

his heart's here in Broughty Ferry,

in there, on the coffee table, beating away.

OK, Bob, if you're going away,

the Church is always interested in emergency housing.

-Housing?!

-We're in a recession.

-There are a lot of desperate people in the parish.

-Oh, nae chance!

-Cloud-cuckoo-land.

Fine.

I'll pass that reaction on.

Pass what on?

That you're unwilling to help the weakest in Broughty Ferry society.

Should make a good feature for the newsletter.

-Newsletter?

-Or maybe even the local media.

Right, right. You can have the extension.

-Hang on, Bob...

-Oh, let it go, Frank, let it go.

I'll build a bigger one, a better one.

-I'm gonna be minted.

-Really?

Oh, aye.

Oh, the MP game is where the readies are, you know, above the table,

below the table, brown envelopes, white envelopes,

tips, winks, the old slap on the back, the old,

"Is this your handbag?"

"Of course not. Why would I have a handbag?"

"Oh, I think this is one handbag you do want."

"Oh, well, then, if you insist,

"I'll TAKE the handbag.

"Frank can carry it."

Gladly.

I mean, the-the designs are just mouth-watering, Bob.

I showed them to my swimming instructor

and she said it was a bathroom that was both elegant and practical.

Sounds lovely.

How many more have we got, Frank?

-I'm knackered.

-It's the last couple, Bob.

DOORBELL RINGS

-FRANK: Good afternoon.

-Jim Henderson?

-Hendo Henderson?

-Who's asking?

-Bob Servant.

-Simple Servant!

-HE LAUGHS

How you doing?

Actually, Hendo, it's Bob Servant, independent,

nailed-on favourite in the Broughty Ferry by-election.

Ah? Well, you'll always be Simple Servant to me.

-Is that right?

-Have we got your vote, Hendo?

As I says, he'll always be Simple Servant to me.

HE LAUGHS

Come on, Bob.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello there. This is Bob Servant, independent. We're standing...

I heard you on the radio. I loved the free wellies idea.

Well, without being an awfa big head,

the free wellies policy was actually one of mine.

-Oh!

-50 years he's been giving me that.

-Well, you've got my vote.

-Can you do something about our road?

-Fire ahead!

Everyone laughing at wee Simple Servant.

I have phoned the council week in, week out

-aboot the potholes.

-Madam, we will raise merry hell

-and soon those potholes...

-Well! This ends TODAY!

Excuse me. Bob. Bob!

-Bob, we've already done this one.

-DOORBELL RINGS

KNOCKING I just want a wee chat with him. Just a nice wee chat.

-What is it noo, Simple?

-One, don't call me Simple.

Two, I am the de facto MP for Broughty Ferry

and I deserve a certain amount of respect.

-But that's your name. Simple.

-I said, don't call me Simple!

-Bob, I don't think you...

-Hey, hey, hey!

-This is private property here!

-I'm not Simple any more!

Right, you two, just calm down, OK?

Nice in here, Hendo.

Very...cosy.

Ah!

Where's your extension? Is it oot the back?

-I don't have one.

-Oh, really? That's a shame.

My extension is probably the size of your entire hoose.

Oh, well, I might get one.

I could do with the extra space when the grandkids visit.

Any grandkids, Bob?

Oh, Hendo,

am I right in thinking that you ran away with that boy frae Fintry

wha' drove the red Sierra? I think it was you.

That was my wife.

Oh, it was your wife? Oh, I knew it was one of yous.

Right, well, er, thanks for popping round lads,

-but Countdown's just aboot to start...

-Frank,

this man was my first ever boo boy.

That Hendo Henderson?

You and all your cronies.

Telling the girls that my jumpers were daft and that I had an odd walk.

Well, here's the headlines, Hendo.

I've got the best walk in Broughty Ferry

and my jumpers are the nicest in the toon.

Or...

would you call that...

-...daft?

-A wee bit, aye.

That's cashmere!

-Feel it.

-Bob, behave yourself!

-It's 40% cashmere!

-Aye, all right, Bob. All right.

Your jumper is...is very nice.

What do you like best about it?

Patterns?

Now we're getting somewhere.

Right! Let's sort this walk situation out.

Very strong.

And...what do you like best?

Your...chin. You kind of...

Hold it high?

Correct. And well I should.

But even today, the day of my coronation,

there had to be one last boo boy.

Well, Hendo, when I'm elected MP,

I'm gonna have you all rounded up, brought to the town hall,

and made to stand on a bucket and say,

"I'm a Broughty Ferry boo boy,

"I'm a nasty piece of work, and I was wrong about Bob Servant."

You know something, Bob? I was wrong aboot you.

I thought you were just daft. In fact, you are utterly deranged.

Now piss off, take your brother with you and let me watch Countdown.

There'll be no sums today, Hendo.

HE STRAINS

You're one of my... Agh!

-I'll just put them back in.

-Look, Bob,

-perhaps we should...

-No sums today!

-Oh!

-Ah, it seems fine.

-SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE

-Bob, I think that's coming here.

HE STRAINS

Let's hope they're not showing Jaws tonight.

-SIREN APPROACHES

-Jesus! It's all gone Cagney & Lacey!

Come on, Frank! Come on! Let's hit the mealy pudding trail.

Now, Bob...

...I'm no finger pointer...

but I think perhaps

you have at least partly created a situation that is, some might say,

a total disaster.

Well, then, we'll have to make it a secret disaster.

And what do we do in the meantime, Bob?

We should be out there campaigning.

-Now we're Broughty Ferry's most wanted.

-So, we spend a few hours on the run.

It's a piece of piss. We'll grow beards, hide out in the swamps.

There arenae any swamps.

Well, then, we'll lie low in a motel, get job as handymen,

helping oot around the place, live under assumed names,

be polite to the other guests without giving too much away.

And then...

...we'll come back this evening.

The police, though, Bob - they'll be on our tail.

Now, Frank,

I need you to stand up to interrogation for a couple of days.

Interrogation?

You know, Chinese burns,

er, thumbnails,

the old elastic band round your balls.

Round my balls?

CHATTER OVER POLICE RADIO

Stay still.

Stay very, very still.

...And we pledge to stand by everything in the manifesto.

BOB: Don't stop there!

Oh, come on, lads. Come on, you're killing me!

You're killing me!

The man was an 18-carat bully, which is why Bob, quite rightly,

booted the fuck out of his telly.

Sorry, officer.

-Bob, what d'you think gonna hap...?

-Ssh!

Ssh!

They're watching.

Two-way mirror.

-Oh, my God.

-Cool, Frank. Keep cool.

Just gie them a wee smile.

DOOR OPENS

-Right, Mr Servant, I don't have time for this.

-You think I do?

Mr Henderson wants £500 compensation for the remote control,

the TV and his two fish who had heart attacks.

Agree to that and you're off with a caution.

Nae chance!

You've derailed my entire campaign,

which is illegal. Now, it gives me no pleasure to do this,

but I hereby instruct you to arrest yoursel'.

-HE SIGHS

-£500, Bob.

Yes or no?

Right, er, we will pay every penny.

We apologise and you'll get no more bother from us.

Just...

I'm actually begging you here.

Do not put that round my balls.

Hello. Er...

This is a damage limitation cold call from the Bob Servant independent campaign.

You may have heard that Bob kicked a telly.

However, it could be argued that...

DIALLING TONE

Hello?

Hello?

Hendo!

Oh!

Aye... How we getting on?

-Superbly.

-How many people have you spoken to?

Er...two.

Oh!

-Two?

-It's a funny story.

The first guy I phoned wasn't at home.

So, I called his neighbour

and they said he was on holiday in Blackpool.

Well, I wasnae gonna let it go that easily.

Directory Enquiries gave me a list of Blackpool hotels,

who all said, "Oh, he's no' here, we cannae help you,"

et cetera, et cetera, blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah.

-But efter a couple o' hours...

-A couple of hours?

..I got him!

He's at...

Blackpool's two-star Royal Hotel.

Which actually sounds lovely.

They said, "He's not in, he's oot having a walk on the beach."

So, I said, "Tell him someone's ringing from Broughty Ferry.

"It's an emergency and it involves his family."

Five minutes later, he calls me.

Very out of breath.

I said I was calling from the campaign

and for the good of him and his family,

would he be voting for us in the by-election?

He said he wouldn't... Well, he was actually quite firm aboot that.

But what he also said, which...

which I thought was a very clever point, was...

...he couldn't vote for us in the by-election today...

...because

he is currently on holiday!

In Blackpool.

Everybody's looking at us, Frank.

They all know.

-Hendo's murdered me here.

-No-one's looking, Bob.

No-one's looking. Everything'll be A-OK.

That's what you said about mad cow.

Was that A-OK?

Rhona! You're looking decidedly top drawer this evening.

I'm surprised you've had the gall to show up.

To what would you be referring? Your campaign has been an embarrassment for Broughty Ferry.

For a by-election candidate to go around,

on election day, kicking television sets and killing goldfish...

-I didnae kill the goldfish!

-It's all over town, Bob.

-Shall we wait for the autopsy?

Well, if you lose your deposit, you've only got yourself to blame.

What do you mean, "lose"?

You need 5% of the vote to have your deposit returned.

Which will be around...

1,000 votes.

-That... That... That can't be right.

-It's supposed to deter timewasters.

Timewasters?! Well, Rhona, if standing up for the people and shooting from the hip is timewasting

then we might as well haul up the white flag, get on a spaceship,

drop the keys off to the Martians and say,

"All right, you boys have a go at living on Earth if you like,

"because we've fucked it!"

God, this is going to be a long night.

-Bob...

-You'll get your dough, Frank.

My new bathroom, Bob.

-It's both elegant and practical.

-Frank!

My entire reputation's on the line here! Never mind your bathroom!

-Bob...

-There's nothing wrong

-with your old bathroom.

-I ripped it oot.

-When?

-Last Saturday night.

Thought I might as well get ahead in the job.

I was...

heavily inebriated.

Where have you been going to the toilet?

Just sort of...

...on the hoof.

All right, lads?

-No, no, no, no. You can't talk to us.

-Er, which one's mine?

-Can we do hot and cold?

-Mr Servant, please go away.

Oh, come on, hen. Gie's a break. I mean, you're...you're not robots, you people. You have to have hearts.

You are breaking several regulations right now,

so if you could please...

PHILLIPPA: Interfering with the vote counters now?

My word, you're having a spectacular day.

No, no, no. Just checking the troops.

Must be pretty boring for them, seeing my name over and over again.

You're just a...

cocky-longlegs.

Cocky-longlegs?

I am extremely tired.

HE SNORES SOFTLY

FEEDBACK

TAPPING ON MICROPHONE

RHONA: Ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you for your patience. The results will be announced in five minutes.

Well, good luck, Bob...

...with your reputation.

And you, Frank,

with your...bathroom.

I can't tell you anything, Bob.

Well, just tell me, just tell me it's not boo boy material, Rhona.

-Just tell me that, please.

-Get back.

Morning.

Oh!

Nearly gave myself a hot bot!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have here the results of the Broughty Ferry by-election.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Blackburn, Susan.

4,296.

Apologies.

Edwards, Nick.

9,546.

Sorry.

Ferrie, Thomas.

5,872.

-Him?!

-This is insane!

-Just whisper mine.

-Back!

Servant, Robert.

112.

MURMURING

Triple figures.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to embark on an extraordinary journey,

and though I will be based in Westminster, for...practical reasons,

from this day forward,

I am a Brochty...

-Broughty.

-...Broughty Ferry man.

APPLAUSE

Firstly...

As a GENUINE Broughty Ferry man,

I officially withdraw my bid.

Secondly...

To the people who, it could be argued, got more votes than me,

if you have cheated, and just now it's only a rumour,

then that is something you'll have to live with.

But more important, more important than the also-rans

is a wee man standing over there, with glasses,

called Frank.

Over the last six weeks,

he has worked like a... farmer.

And yet recently,

Frank has been unable to go to the toilet in his own home.

Ladies and gentlemen,

as long as we live in a world

where it is possible for a good man

to be unable to go to the toilet in the comfort of his own home,

I shall keep fighting.

And to those of you who think you've seen the last of Bob Servant,

well, you're wrong. Because you haven't seen the last of Bob Servant.

So, good night...

...God bless...

and safe journey home.

And if,

on that journey home,

you should see a little child looking sad...

then...

stop the car...

..open the door,

coax them inside...

..turn off the lights

and give that little child...

..the tightest cuddle you have

and say...

"That's from old Bob."

Good night!

SEAGULLS CRY

# EVERLY BROTHERS: I'd Be A Legend In My Time

I'll get you your bathroom, Frank.

It's not aboot the bathroom, Bob.

I know it's not.

# If heartache's brought fame

# In love's crazy game

# I'd be a legend

# In my time... #

Yes, you can use the karaoke. Just don't touch...

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa! Whoa!

Bob, these gentlemen are the lucky recipients of your charitable initiative.

Sorry, folks. I'm staying put.

The homeless party's off.

But, Bob, these men need your help.

I can see that. Right, lads...

It's back under the railway arches for you tonight.

GROANING

Ach, you'll be fine. Just get a fire going and tell sad stories.

Hey! Hey! You.

Is that my snazzy jacket?

That, right there...

...is the final straw.

Well done, Frank!

Frank! Frank, what are you doing?!

Frank! Frank!

They're not my trousers, Frank.

Stop it, Frank! Stop it. You're being an idiot.

I am not an idiot, Bob. I am just doing my best.

I am just doing my best.

Frank!

Frank! Frank!

Frank!

FOGHORN BLOWS

Listen, Frank.

Let me tell you something aboot winning and losing.

Because you're probably wondering who won the by-election.

-It was Edwards.

-No, Frank.

Who really won it.

-No, it was Edwards.

-Frank,

if we'd won the by-election, we'd be aff to London

to shake things up down there, correct?

But the punters don't want that to happen.

-No, they...they made that quite clear.

-Exactly.

They want us right here.

They've sent us a clear message.

"Stay here, lads,

"because we need you, we admire you,

"we like what we've seen and we want to see more."

Broughty Ferry has spoken, Francis.

And I will not play deaf to the people of Broughty Ferry.

-Neither will I.

-We did it, Frank.

We more or less did it.

We sort of won.

Pretty much. Now, I believe we've got a party to go to.

# JOHNNY CASH: I Won't Back Down

# Well, I won't back down

# No, I won't back down

# You can stand me up at the gates of hell

# But I won't back down... #

You got that 60 quid for the party, lads?

Sorry, Stewpot.

Nae win, nae fee.

Revolting.

Cheers.

# ...Well, I know what's right

# I got just one life

# In a world that keeps on pushing me around... #

So, what's next, Bob?

Frank...think about the most exciting thing you can.

Now double it.

Now times it by ten.

Oh, Francis, Francis, not even close!

DOOR OPENS

Morning, lads! Bob Servant, independent!

# ...Will stand my ground

# And I won't back down

# No, I won't back down. #