Episode 2 Boomers

MUSIC: "The Tears Of A Clown" by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Now if there's a smile on my face

# It's only there trying to fool the public

# But when it comes down to fooling you

# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject

# But don't let my glad expression

# Give you the wrong impression

# Really I'm sad

# Oh, sadder than sad

# You're gone and I'm hurting so bad... #

You didn't tell me John and Maureen were coming as well.

Alan, I did tell you.

You didn't.

I did tell you.

It's Trevor and Carol's anniversary, we're going out for lunch,

and John and Maureen are coming too.

Why do we have to see the same people over and over again?

I mean, family, OK, you can't avoid it,

but these people are friends.

We shouldn't have to see them.

Do you remember that bar we went to in Albufeira

when the kids were little?

Do you remember our first year there?

Do you know what Maureen said to me at the end of that holiday?

She said, "Joy, I don't know how you keep up with your husband.

"He's non-stop". Non-stop, Alan. Now look at you.

I'm not sitting next to Trevor.

Don't be such a baby.

Last week he spent 27 minutes telling me about his rotavator.

His rotavator, Joyce.

Just be nice, Alan. Just for once, don't spoilt it.

This place is meant to be fantastic.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have been.

Apparently they loved it.

Didn't go there with John and Maureen, did they?

Whose birthday is it, again?

It's nobody's birthday, Mum. It's Trevor and Carol's anniversary.

You know Trevor and Carol.

Do we need to get her out?

We'll only be five minutes. I'll leave a window open.

We're not leaving her in the car, and stop fiddling with that.

She likes to get out, John.

Just make sure she doesn't have too much to drink.

Yeah, we don't want a repeat of Christmas, her doing the sit-down can-can.

It's that sheltered accommodation.

They've got them all wound too tight in there.

Different bin collection day here, Maureen.

Look, they've got the bins out.

Alan, get off that.

I'm waiting for an e-mail from Suze about Christmas.

Christmas?

You know what she's like.

If we don't get in first, she'll make arrangements on her own.

She'll do anything to avoid seeing us.

Why do our boys always end up with these control freak women?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hope you haven't left splashes round the toilet.

I get lumbered with Trevor every time.

You don't.

I do. I get lumbered with boring people, Joyce.

There's something about me that attracts them.

You're not going to get lumbered with anyone.

And just for today, Alan, just for today,

can we not argue in front of people?

Can we just get through one day without arguing?

We don't argue.

We argue all the time!

No, we don't.

Hi there!

We brought Mum. Is that OK?

Course it is.

SHE MOUTHS

Hi, Joan.

-Hi, John.

-Joyce.

-JOAN: Hello.

-We took her into Lynn, shopping.

Oh, did she have a nice time?

Not really. So, how's the family?

Oh, they're fine.

Lee and Suze are excited about the baby, I bet.

-Yeah.

-You see much of them?

-All the time.

-Long way to go, though,

-isn't it, Plymouth?

-No, it's not far.

A14, M5 and you're there.

Oh, it really is nice to see Joan again. Really is.

Only, I'm just thinking, is she going to be OK?

I mean, I wouldn't want her to think she couldn't relax and be herself.

She'll be fine.

Only this is quite an upmarket place,

and I know she likes to let her hair down and have a drink or two.

-You're thinking about Christmas.

-No!

Joy, I know how you like to worry, but trust me, she'll be fine.

She'll muck in anywhere, won't you, Mum?

Mmm.

Oh, you're looking well, Joan. How are you feeling?

Thirsty.

How are you settling into your new place?

Oh, it's very nice, apart from the warden.

She leaves me in the garden for the birds to peck at,

like Stephen Hawkings.

Computer down again, Al?

-No.

-Hey, you want to get one of these.

Look, it found your house

-on Google Earth.

-Didn't know I'd lost it.

Hey, do us a favour. Keep an eye on Joan.

You don't mind, do you?

I mean, gives Maureen a break. Good lad.

We took her to a do the other day.

You remember Mike and Rhoda?

It was their daughter's wedding reception. Beautiful girl.

And what a perfect day.

You know when everything is just fabulous?

The flowers, the gown, the food.

Could not fault any of it, Joy, you really couldn't.

And did Joan have a lovely time?

Oh, she vomited her teeth into the loo.

Does anyone know what's happened to Trevor and Carol?

He's probably lost. Well, you know what he's like.

He couldn't find his arsehole with both hands and a torch.

John!

Oh, sorry, Joy... Bum hole.

If we're staying, I'll have a glass of wine.

Mind you, his short-term memory is not what it was.

Maybe he's forgotten it's their anniversary. Eh, we're off the hook.

Carol's just had, you know, the operation,

so she's a bit up and down.

-Brilliant(!)

-Yeah, but they're both staying positive,

-though, aren't they?

-You have to.

I always say, you've got to take the positives out of life.

Look for the upside in everything.

What's the upside on losing your short-term memory?

You can hide your own Easter eggs.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-They're here.

-Hi there!

-Hello.

Just in time. We're all ready to go.

Hi there, you two. Come here.

Oh.

Sorry we're late. Waiting for Her Ladyship, as usual.

Came via the high street.

And stopped at every single set of lights.

What'd you do that for?

They were all red.

All right, kids? Happy anniversary.

You look fabulous, Carol.

Thank you, John.

Isn't she looking great, Trevor? Alan, come and have a look at Carol.

Isn't she looking great? You lost weight or something?

Well, I had my operation last month, so, been off my food.

Well, you look fantastic on it.

Maybe we should all have what you've had.

Erm...maybe not.

Right, well, we should probably get going,

-cos this restaurant gets very busy.

-Just need to go to the loo.

Oh, I should go too.

Oh, OK. And me.

But then we really must go.

You needn't have gone to all this trouble.

Would have been just as happy with a takeaway.

That's our favourite, a takeaway in front of Eggheads.

Doesn't get much better than that.

Oh, I love quizzes.

I'm still on the quiz team at the bowls club.

You should come along. Thursday night it's BYOB.

Sounds good, yeah.

You bring a bottle, I'll bring the defibrillator.

Yeah. You know, I'm glad you two are here today.

I always say the secret to a good anniversary is spending it

with the people you care about.

Yeah. Is it open?

No, no. Stick her in with you, Al.

You don't mind jumping in with Alan, do you?

No, that's fine.

Oh, Toyotas don't have leather seats, do they?

I'm joking, mate!

-She won't leak.

-WHISPERS:

-Not out the front anyway.

There we are.

Legs.

You wouldn't think she was the same age as Bruce Forsyth, would you?

My tummy is huge at the moment.

I don't know what I'm going to do about it.

I'm on rice cakes three times a day, but, oh, it's so difficult.

You look fantastic, Maureen.

Well, I try and stay fit.

The doctor said my pelvic floor is as tight as a snare drum.

"The Royal Marines could beat a military retreat on that, Maureen,"

he said.

I love a brass band.

Oh, before I forget, happy anniversary.

Oh, thank you, Joyce.

And here's to many more.

Thanks... I'm thinking of leaving him.

You're doing what, love?

I think it might be best if we just went our separate ways.

We've given it a good go, 40 years, but it's time to move on.

I'll give you our card later.

I tell you what. Why are we taking three cars?

What?

It's crazy taking three. Why don't you jump in with Trevor?

No.

-It's easier to park two.

-Parking will be fine.

-Could be busy.

-It's a big car park.

You don't want to be pushing Joan too far.

I'm not going with Trevor.

I mean, erm, we might be ready to leave before he is.

Erm, Carol likes to take her time.

Wouldn't want to rush her.

Yeah. We could jump in with John and Maureen.

I might get lost if I go on my own.

Right, because of your memory loss thing.

Because my sat nav is broken.

Well done.

Really, I'm fine. I don't want to cause a fuss.

But you've been married for 40 years.

I know, but I don't want to make a big thing of it.

It's just...there's so much I want to do with my life,

and I'm not sure Trevor is the person I want to do it with.

All seems a bit sudden.

It's been building up for a while.

Such a shame.

I know. Everyone was looking forward to this lunch.

I mean, I'm thinking of Trevor, too.

I mean it's his day, too.

We never do things together.

Well, that's not unusual.

And his memory is getting worse.

Happens to all of us.

Last week, he came out of the toilet in Pizza Hut

with his penis sticking out of his fly.

Well, at least it was only Pizza Hut.

And then it's straight on at the roundabout.

No, you go right at the roundabout, as if you were going to ASDA.

We don't go to ASDA.

You want to get one of these, Trev. Look at that GPS.

I use it on my runs.

5k, three times a week.

Had my annual check-up the other day, actually.

Doctor said I was in perfect nick. Checked all over.

Did he?

She.

It's very common these days. I've read about it.

They're called silver splitters.

We're living longer, see, so we're having to stay married longer.

That's what's upsetting people.

I think it's just a wobble.

She has been a bit down lately,

and anniversaries are depressing, aren't they?

Not depressing. Stressful.

Trevor is hiding it well.

Yeah, well, let's hope he keeps on hiding it.

What do you mean?

Well, we don't want them rowing now, do we?

She's going through a traumatic time.

This is when you need your friends the most.

I think you're making a big thing of this, Maureen.

I'm making a big thing of her marriage breaking up?!

Yes.

She's told us because she wants us to help.

Got to get them talking.

We've got to make her rediscover the Trevor she fell in love with.

They close at four, Maureen.

I don't mind driving you and Joy.

We're not swapping cars.

We're swapping cars. Alan, you go with Trevor.

He doesn't know the way.

Oh, I'm sure I can find it.

-Let's not be reckless, Trevor.

-Right-o.

Carol, you come with me. Keep Joan company in the back.

-No, Trevor, you're taking Alan.

-Oh.

Yeah, well, come on then. We don't want to be late.

We've just sorted it all out.

- She wants to leave him. - What?

Carol. Says she wants to leave Trevor.

Well, I can understand that, but why do we have to swap cars?

I don't want them rowing about it.

We'll get in and out.

Less time we spend in there, the better.

Yeah, but what am I going to say to him?

Well, just don't talk about his anniversary, or Carol,

or anything that might get him on to his anniversary or Carol.

Keys, Alan.

Thank you.

Joyce, when are we going to get them talking?

Later, Maureen, later.

Hey, did I tell you I finally got my rotavator serviced?

# Try to see it my way

# Do I have to keep on talking till I can't go on?

# While you see it your way

# Run the risk of knowing that our love may soon be gone

# We can work it out We can work it out

# Think of what you're saying

# We can get it wrong and still you think that it's all right

# Think of what I'm saying

# We can work it out and get it straight or say good night... #

So when you get in there, just have a word with him.

He's putting a brave face on but inside he'll be in pieces.

What a shocker, eh?

Yeah. You just wonder what brought it on, don't you?

Could be a bedroom issue.

Maybe Trevor has gone off the boil.

Can't imagine he was ever on the boil.

Well, most people have their problems, Maureen. Not everyone is as lucky as us.

I wonder if she met someone else.

Oh, won't be long. She'll be snapped up in no time.

What?

I've always wanted to go to Machu Picchu.

Oh, that'd be amazing.

Have a look at the menu, Carol,

because they're going to start serving dinner at seven.

I've got to be back before dark.

I've left my curtains open.

Are you ready to order yet?

Give us a chance. We've only just got here.

Erm, table for seven. Name of Mitchell.

Table for six. We've got an extra person.

It's an incredible place. You ride up there on llamas.

Trevor's never been keen because he's allergic to wool.

We'll squeeze in anywhere. We're very easy.

They've got some Chinese in. Very cruel race.

Yeah, all right, Joan!

Capable of unspeakable acts.

-Anywhere at all.

-Look, I'll see what I can do.

Merciless, they are. And we'd like a drink while we're waiting.

No, we wouldn't.

Then they said it'd be ready Tuesday.

And I told them I can't collect it on Tuesday cos I've got reading...

-Reading for the blind.

-..for the blind on Tuesday mornings.

I said, "I did tell you when I booked it in.

"I was very clear about it."

All right, Trev? How are you, my love?

All right?

He's been telling me about his lawnmower.

Yes, well, you know Trev.

Once he's on to something he's like a dog with a bone.

So where did you park?

I always feel bad coming to places like this.

Everyone going to so much trouble just for me.

You get used to it.

They can fit us in.

Course they can, Joyce.

Now, why don't you relax and have a drink?

I thought they might not be able to fit us in.

Didn't want to cause a scene.

The owner is a friend of a friend.

You think we might embarrass you? Is that it?

No, of course I don't.

We're not yobbos, Joyce. We do have a bit of decorum.

Oi, you getting those drinks? We're gasping over here.

Fish looks nice.

And half of orange juice with lemonade.

-With a straw.

-With a straw.

I don't know why she's left it there. There's still spaces in the car park.

-It's fine where it is.

-Better in the car park.

-It's only across the road.

-It'll take two minutes.

There's no need.

Yes, but you can't see it from here, though, Alan.

I'm not going to move the bloody car!

We're actually friends of the owner,

but I didn't want to make a big thing of it.

Joyce...

-..can I have the car keys?

-What do you want them for?

I thought I might move the car.

I thought you were getting our drinks and chatting with Trevor.

It's OK. I've told John to have a word.

He's going to find out if everything is OK in the bedroom.

You know, John is always there for you too, Alan,

if you have any problems in that regard.

I'll bear it in mind.

WAITER CLEARS HIS THROAT

How about this one?

Lovely. Don't have to worry about being near the loo, Mum.

We're practically in it.

Erm, we could swap you, but I'd have to ask someone else to move.

That would be great, thank you.

The car is fine.

Just go and look after Trevor, for God's sake,

in case John gets at him.

I'm fine, honestly.

I don't want you to worry about my marriage.

I just want you to enjoy your meal.

You know, Carol, if ever I'm upset about anything, you know,

John and I aren't getting on or whatever, I go and see my sister.

Oh, I couldn't do that.

You'd be surprised how much it helps.

But I don't know her.

I was thinking your sister, Carol.

We don't eat out often.

Once in a blue moon we'll go to Pizza Hut.

Carol likes it, but I've never really felt comfortable there.

Too many teenagers.

-I always feel I'm sticking out a bit.

-Have I missed anything?

No.

Occasionally we'll have a takeaway. We like Chinese.

We used to like Indian, but our tastes have changed over the years.

Chinese are taking over now, aren't they?

They'll be in charge in 20 years, mark my words.

You'll be dead by then, Trev. Problem solved.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah...but in actual fact, the average life...

So anyway, how's things?

Things are fine.

-Carol well?

-Yeah.

Apart from the...

Talking about Carol again? What are we talking about her for?

It's their anniversary.

Yeah, I know, but there is such a thing as overkill, you know?

So, how does it work with your quiz team? Do you have the same...?

40 years, eh?

Yeah, it's quite a long time, isn't it?

Still happy?

Course he is. Look at him.

Don't you want to know how he feels?

I know how he feels. He feels fine.

-You haven't asked him.

-How do you feel?

-Fine.

-See?

Carol is coping really well, isn't she?

This won't work.

There's not enough chairs.

I'm sorting it, Maureen.

Mum needs more space. She's having a lovely time, though.

I can tell. She's not been sick, has she?

No. Lovely time she's having, aren't you, Mum?

Lovely.

I'm sorry to hear you and your husband are going

your separate ways, but to be honest, I could see it coming, love.

I mean, everyone could tell you were both unhappy.

It's Carol that's having the problems, Mum.

-Oh.

-Ignore her.

She doesn't know what's going on.

Why don't you get a bit of fresh air until we get the table sorted?

You don't mind sitting with Joan for a minute, do you, Carol?

You see, the key to relationships, Trevor, is to stay active.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.

You know what I'm talking about, don't you? Sex.

Well, you and Carol are all right in that department, aren't you?

I mean, you still, um...regular, Trev?

Shall we have a look at the menu?

Oh, she may not look like she's interested, but she is.

They all are.

Think of all the women our age still putting it out there,

still sexy, still stylish.

Helen Mirren. She's 65. Goldie Hawn, 66.

That's right, isn't it? Goldie Hawn.

Well, say she's in here, right?

Say she's had a few drinks.

You'd take her round the back, wouldn't you?

Is this table here all right?

Oh, anywhere is fine, love.

When you get moved about as much as I do,

you realise all the tables are pretty much the same.

Can I get you a drink?

A glass of wine would be nice.

There we go.

-How we doing?

-I think we're there.

Can we have a booth?

-Not with a wheelchair.

-Not with a wheelchair.

Can't see why it's so difficult.

-The booking was for six originally.

-It was originally a booking for six.

-Are we done?

-Er, yeah, we're done.

Hang on. It's a bit wonky.

-Jesus!

-Let me get the waiter back.

No. We are not getting the bloody waiter back.

What's on your mind, Joy? You seem a bit tense.

When my husband turned 75, I told him I was leaving him.

He was boring the pants off me.

And I'd met someone else. Nothing special.

Just...something different.

Didn't talk about it for a fortnight, and then he got ill.

So...it's ups and downs all the way to the end, love.

You just have to stick with it.

My bum's gone to sleep.

John says he doesn't think she'll have any trouble

finding someone else.

Well, we don't know what's going to happen, do we?

She might not want another man.

You think she might have turned?

You're asking me if I think Carol has become a lesbian?

I'd be very surprised, Maureen.

I mean, it's like custard creams, isn't it?

You either like them or you don't.

You don't suddenly change your mind.

We'd better keep an eye on her, then.

Just because a woman is single

doesn't mean she's going to prey on every married man she sees.

We'll sit her in between us.

Thank you.

Right, all set, then, finally!

Now, where do you want to sit, Joan? How about sitting here?

Oh, anywhere is fine, love. Just need a top-up.

You're here, Carol.

Sorry for the wait. Alan couldn't find his wallet.

He had to work out where he'd last seen it.

Turns out it was 1976!

LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

Cranberry juice.

Oh, thank you.

Two white wines and a glass of red for Joan.

You're over there, John.

Oh, I thought I'd sit next to Carol. Cheer her up.

No. You're over there.

Oh, well, this is nice, isn't it?

Are we all ready to order?

Right, well, come on, then. Cheers, all.

ALL: Cheers.

Tide's out.

TREVOR TAPS GLASS WITH SPOON

I'd just like to say something before we start.

-There's no need, Trevor.

-No, no, no. It won't be long.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Er, as you know, Carol and I have been married for quite a while now.

Let's have something to eat and we can talk about it later.

Why doesn't anyone want to hear what I've got to say?

Oh, we do, we just think it would be better if you did it later,

maybe by e-mail.

Don't worry, it won't be dull.

I know you boys think I'm a bit of a steady Eddie.

No!

No, it's true.

I've seen you when I talk about the quiz team.

After 30 years, you pick up on things like that.

You know, I've been around a bit, and, erm...

I've been to nice restaurants before.

I may not talk about my sex life 24 hours a day,

but this marriage is still important to me.

It's all right, Trevor. We understand.

You don't have to say anything.

Yes, he does. He's right.

Joyce, we should probably just leave it.

No, I'm not going to shut you out any more.

I'm here for you.

We know that you and Carol are thinking about separation,

and we're all going to get through this together.

We're doing what?!

I haven't told him.

Haven't told me what?

We'll talk about it later. I think I'll have the beef.

I was going to ask you to renew our wedding vows on a beach in Barbados.

That's very nice.

I've booked the hotel.

Just going to the ladies.

Carol, what's going on?

I've been a bit confused, in terms of how compatible we are,

but I feel a lot better about it now.

You know me.

I've been a bit up and down at the minute.

It's all right, Trev. We've all got sort of crossed wires.

This is all your fault. You let him get emotional.

We're just not on the same wavelength.

- Not again. - No, we're not, Alan.

Sometimes I even wonder why we're still together, don't you?

You two are perfect for each other.

Don't help him, Carol.

-JOAN: Ooh!

-Oh, my God!

Mum! John, she's down.

Get some hot, sweet tea.

JOAN: Brandy would be nice.

It doesn't have to be Barbados.

We'll talk about it later.

Could we have a doggy bag for the bread?

Look at you.

Poor thing. I can't believe you're out so quick.

They don't hang about.

She's tough as old boots, this one, aren't you, Joan?

Indestructible, aren't you, Mum?

It'll be just her and the cockroaches left when they drop the bomb on us.

All done?

You don't mind sticking her in with you, Al, do you?

-My car is all the way round the back.

-Give us your keys, Al, I'll do it.

Remember to give them back.

JOHN SIGHS

What?

Bit unnecessary.

You mustn't worry about anything, Carol, because you know

we're just on the end of the phone any time of the day or night.

Thanks, Joyce.

Maureen's nearer, obviously, but I can help if it's a real emergency.

It'll all be OK.

Well, we should be getting back.

Could come back to ours and I could do some sandwiches.

No, you're all right. We'll be fine.

Cup of tea and a chat. That's what's needed.

Well, it's not quite as simple as that.

No, it's not that simple.

Might try a bit of counselling.

Cup of tea, chat, bit of counselling.

-See you soon, then.

-Yeah.

-Thanks for a lovely day.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-See ya.

Did you see the way she was looking at John?

Trevor will be all right. He'll get it together, the old sod.

Joan? You all right, Joan?

JOAN: I need the ladies.

Right, we've got to get her out.

Trevor's got your keys.

Phone him.

There's no signal.

Oh, we're OK. The boot's open.

All right, Joan. Now come on.

You'll be OK.

I think we helped them a bit.

They'll be all right, now it's all out in the open.

-JOHN:

-Sorry!

# Ooh, this old heart of mine Been broke a thousand times

# Each time you break away I fear you're gone to stay

# Lonely nights that come Memories that go

# Bringing you back again Hurting me more and more

# Maybe it's my mistake To show this love I feel inside

# Cos each day that passes by

# You got me never knowing if I'm coming or going

# But I, I love you... #