Wedding Boomers

-Oh, John, I'm going in.

-Hang on!

Mum! What are you doing here?

Why didn't you call us? We'd have picked you up.

I don't need a lift, I've got one.

A friend of mine. Drives a cab in his spare time,

-so he's used to the supermarket run.

-Hi.

-Hi!

-Lovely day.

-He's a happy one.

-He's getting married next week.

-Ooh!

Who's the lucky lady?

I am.

Ready!

MUSIC: The Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Now if there's a smile on my face

# It's only there trying to fool the public

# But when it comes down to fooling you

# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject... #

This is lovely, isn't it?

It's too expensive, and that's before the tips.

Look at them, hovering like vultures,

waiting to pick over the bones of my wallet.

Why do they have to get married here? It's only Joan, innit?

She'll be happy in the back room of the community centre.

-Maureen wanted a nice venue!

-We can't afford to stay here.

You shouldn't have accepted the invitation.

You've got to learn to say no to people, Joyce.

Ask me if you can go home.

Other than me.

John and Maureen have always been there for us.

Just smile and join in

and try to behave with a bit of dignity.

Why couldn't they get married at the beginning of the month,

when we've got some money?

-Alan! Joycey!

-Hiya!

-Nice place, eh?

-Yeah, lovely.

Are you going to use the spa?

I bet it's a while since you've been pampered.

Joyce is the only person allowed to touch my body

and even she's on limited access.

-Alan...

-Hey, they've even got colonic irrigation, you know.

Yeah, well, why not?

They're already trying to suck everything out of my pockets.

SHE SIGHS

I'm so pleased for her, finding love a second time around.

Her marriage to my dad was a struggle for her.

-He was emotionally detached.

-Oh, dear.

-I had a lucky escape.

Daughters of emotionally detached fathers

can turn out to be a bit tarty.

I didn't know that.

I just want her to have a lovely couple of days, you know?

It must have taken a lot of planning.

The hotel sent me an online form.

-It took me about five minutes.

-Oh!

-Hiya!

-Hi!

-Hi.

Wh-What's Trevor wearing?

I've been a bit concerned about him lately,

because of his lack of assertiveness.

So I took him to an image consultant,

got him a colour awareness makeover -

turns out orange is his power colour.

Well, the idea is it'll make him assertive and more confident.

It'll also help him to be more expressive sexually.

That's a bonus, isn't it?

I feel like I'm not myself, you know?

-Uh, no, thank you.

-I don't need to wear orange to assert myself.

-I'm perfectly capable of that.

-Why don't you tell Carol?

Oh, I couldn't do that, she'll be cross.

It's really important that we see that Roy has a good time tonight.

Yeah, you'll want to welcome him into the family.

I want to make sure he doesn't pull out.

I've waited 20 years for someone to sweep Joan off her feet.

I don't want him ducking out at the last minute.

Did you bring a shotgun?

MUSIC: The Saint Theme

It's the orange! It's working!

They're here.

I should tell you, you might notice a difference in Mum.

-Ooh, how do you mean?

-Oh, she's...loosened up a bit.

-We're here!

-Oh, hey!

-We've got a reception committee, Joan.

-Afternoon, all.

-This is Roy.

Roy, this is Carol, Joyce, Alan, and, uh...another one.

-Hi, ladies.

-WOMEN: Hi!

These must be your sisters, then?

-Oh!

-THEY CHUCKLE

-You look fabulous, Joan.

-Ten years younger!

-20 years younger!

So, nearly as young as Roy.

Roy's found me a fantastic physio.

Plus, I give her a bit of reiki massage myself,

-magic hands.

-It's like having your very own Paul Daniels.

Who hasn't dreamed of that?

-TREVOR:

-Where's the wheelchair?

-Gone.

It's a miracle, yeah. She only uses it now when it suits her.

She got in the front row

of a Michael Buble concert with it last week.

-Looking forward to the big day?

-Oh, very much so, Alan.

-I've landed the woman of my dreams.

-Oh, stop it.

-He's always embarrassing me.

-You must be very happy, Joan.

All right, you don't have to shout.

Nice outfit. Have you been pollinated yet?

LAUGHTER

-Oh, very good.

-So, you two met online? That's unusual, isn't it?

That's how everybody meets now. I get lots of offers in the chatroom.

It's a bit of a cattle market out there.

It makes you glad we've already bought our cattle.

Well, cows.

My livestock.

What I mean is, uh,

it makes you glad that we've, uh, already purchased our products.

-Are you finished?

-I was considering a couple in the end.

This one here, or Tony from Gambia. Oh, he sounded very nice.

-Great body, great bum and great sense of humour.

-I think I know him.

-Too late to change your mind now.

-Oh, is it?

I haven't deleted my account in the chatroom yet.

Ho-ho! I can see she's going to keep me on my toes.

So, w-what do you do, Roy? Are you retired, or not quite yet?

I am semi-retired. I was running a couple of businesses,

-but they didn't work out.

-Not all of them do.

I keep trying, though, just like my marriages.

I've had four before this one.

-Fifth time lucky, eh?

-Right, let's get you settled in.

-You're getting married in the morning.

-Let's do it.

-You and Roy have got separate rooms.

-Oh, OK.

-That's all right, isn't it?

-Fine with me.

-We don't want any hanky-panky.

THEY TITTER

-No, we don't!

-We have a laugh.

-I can see that.

-See you later, everybody!

-ALL: Bye!

OK, bye.

-What the hell's going on?

-He's 20 years younger than her!

-He must be after her money.

-We must talk to John and Maureen about this.

We forgot something. Just popping out, see you later.

Yeah. Roy's taking me down to the cashpoint.

I'm getting some money out for him. He's a bit short at the moment.

Coming!

-Plenty of women have toy boys.

-Not 70-year-old toy boys.

He's nowhere near 70.

-How old is he, then?

-69.

He's either after her money, or he's a bit, you know...

-Constipated?

-Mad!

-What are you talking about?

-Going for older women.

-He might have a mother fixation.

-A lot of men do it.

-Lots of men have mother fixations?

-Have you ever heard of cougars?

Have you ever heard of Psycho?

Love is blind, Alan. Why do you think Joyce ended up with you?

All we're saying is that maybe you and Maureen

should look into this a bit more carefully.

I've waited 20 years for someone to take Joan off my hands.

Don't cock it up for me now!

Roy! You having a drink?

-Oh, no, thanks.

-Come on, it's the night before your wedding.

No, I'm not much of a drinker. I avoid it if I can.

Sensible advice. What a down-to-earth, sensible bloke.

We're thinking of having a round of golf as part of the stag.

Actually, I'd be happier staying here in the hotel.

I've got a pacemaker, you see.

It's fine, I just...

Easier to keep the exercise to a minimum.

They've got golf buggies, you don't even have to sit up.

We can lie you down in the back with the clubs.

S-So what do you want to do, Roy?

I was hoping to sample the spa.

It's amazing, isn't it, finding love at her age?

-Well, romance isn't age-specific, is it?

-That's true.

We inherited my grandad's tortoise

-and that was mating well into its 90s.

-There's hope for Mum, then.

We'll just have to feed her plenty of lettuce.

Are you not worried that she might be rushing into this a bit?

Well, she can't think about it too long.

He's a bit younger than her, though, isn't he?

Well, she would be hard-pushed to find anyone that wasn't, Joyce.

-It's just that some people...

-Not Roy!

Not Roy, no, but some people exploit older people in a relationship.

You think he's using her for sex?

Not sex, no.

Can't you just get past the age gap?

We just think you should find out more about him, that's all.

-They met online.

-Lots of people meet online.

He's been married four times.

-That doesn't mean anything.

-We think he's marrying her for the money.

You said you didn't think he'd do that.

I was lying!

We're basically paying for someone to beat us up.

-You'll enjoy it!

-I'm not leaving a tip.

I think it's a very good idea, Roy.

-It's very relaxing, isn't it?

-You're very smooth.

What happened to your hair?

Carol wants me to be more continental,

so she gets me waxed regularly.

-He's full of surprises, isn't he?

-Some women prefer it.

I can understand that, yeah. Maureen's the same with her car.

I see they've found more oil under Gatwick.

-Yes, and that's not the last of it either.

-No?

No, fossil fuels aren't done yet by any means.

There's a lot of potential down there still.

Did you know that man has only been able to bore down

2km below the Earth's surface?

Some men can bore further than that.

-I'm not doing this.

-You've got to do it, Maureen.

-You don't want Joan being taken advantage of.

-It's illegal!

He's taken her money - that's illegal.

We're just trying to find out a bit more about him, Maureen.

-There's nothing wrong with that.

-We can't get in, we need his key.

Why didn't you let her and Roy share a room?

We could have used their key.

They're not married yet, it's not normal.

That's the bit that isn't normal(!)

Excuse me, sorry, but I've forgotten my key. Could you let us in?

-Is it your room?

-Sort of.

-We're family.

-Almost family.

-We will be tomorrow.

-She will be.

-My mum's fiance.

-They're getting married tomorrow.

-He needs his lucky teeth.

Oh, thank you.

-You can come back and do the room later.

-What if he comes back?

-I could stand guard.

-Well done, Carol!

-What shall I do if I see him coming?

-You make a noise.

-OK.

-Is that all right?

-Just wanted to be clear about it.

-Yeah.

-I'm perfectly capable of thinking for myself.

-Of course, you are!

OK, then!

-OK, let's go.

-What kind of noise?

I'll just cough.

Or sing?

No, I'll cough.

Sing, singing's better.

This place reminds me of a hotel I once stayed in in Morocco

when I was working on the oil rigs.

I thought you were in business.

Oh, this was before the business ventures and after the army.

-You were in the army?

-I was discharged early.

-Was that on a medical?

-There was an incident involving a local woman.

-It got blown out of all proportion.

-As these things do, yes.

Oh, how come you got a female masseur?

She could have gone to any one of us, John, it was totally random.

You don't think it could have been something to do

-with your colour scheme?

-It's a load of mumbo jumbo, John.

The idea that I'm going to change from some normal,

run-of-the-mill bloke into some kind of cool guy

just because I'm wearing orange socks is utterly ridiculous.

MACHINE DISPENSES Thank you.

-No worries.

-MUSIC: The Saint Theme

-So did you enjoy that?

-Yeah, very good.

-How about you? Everything beating normally?

-Oh, it's fine.

The crucial thing is making sure it stays at a steady rate.

It's like the spa version of that movie Speed.

You're doing very well, Alan. Maureen will be proud of you.

I know it means a lot to her to see Joan happy.

A massage and a facial is a small price to pay, innit?

What next, Roy?

I've always wanted to try a back, crack and sack.

-OK...

-Hang on, what is that?

Well, that's when they strip all the hair...

-It doesn't matter, we're doing it.

-We can't do that.

-I've already had it done.

-All over?

-In for a penny...

-And you think you know someone.

-Is it painful?

No.

What are we looking for?

-Clues!

-Oh, what are we, the Famous Five?

Just have a quick look on his computer.

No, let's just go.

We can't get on to his laptop anyway.

He's already logged on to Facebook.

Oh, look, he's got loads of photos of them together.

Doesn't mean anything, Maureen.

Fake marriage applicants take loads of photos

to fool immigration all the time.

Let's check his e-mails.

-Joyce, do not check his e-mails.

-Maureen, Joan is getting on.

She's vulnerable.

It's perfectly reasonable to think that someone like Roy

has an ulterior motive for being interested in her.

It's a pension statement.

-He's loaded.

-Blimey.

Is it too late for me to marry him?

-TO TUNE OF "COLONEL BOGEY MARCH":

-# La-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

# La-la, la-la-la-la-la-la

-HIGHER:

-# La-la, la-la-la-la-la-la! #

Hello, there!

Where are you off to?

Oh, just going to Roy's room. He wants his phone.

Oh. # La-la, la-la-la-la-la-la. #

SHE COUGHS DEEPLY

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

Want to borrow my phone?

Will it have lots of pictures of that orange man?

-Yeah.

-No, thanks.

SHE COUGHS Oh, and you better not be giving me that cough.

Oh!

What are you two doing?

-Uh...looking through Roy's stuff.

-What for?

We don't know anything about him, Mum,

and you are a bit older than he is and...

-And you think he's after my money?

-Yeah.

But now we know that you're after his, so that's all right.

Didn't you hear my noise?

I tell you what, that's given me

a new level of respect for Trevor's pain threshold.

Are you sure you don't want to sit down?

-No, no!

-You're all right, no.

I didn't hate it as much as I thought I would.

-I did.

-Yeah, so did I.

At the very least, she could have warmed up that spatula.

Oh, here are the girls.

Did you find anything?

-Joan told me.

-I am sorry, we just didn't know anything about you.

-You could have been a serial killer.

-Not a serial killer!

No, not a serial killer, obviously.

-But just a bit strange.

-Abnormal.

-Odd.

-We'll stop now.

I'd have done exactly the same thing.

As you say, I could be anyone.

You've got to be sure, haven't you?

-I feel terrible.

-Please don't, no need.

-Could I get you a drink?

-No, thanks.

-Go on!

-No, really.

-Go on, Roy, just for us.

-Just one.

-OK, just for you.

Large Scotch.

-I thought you didn't drink.

-Well, I wanted to make a good impression.

It's a big day, meeting the family.

No-one thinks badly of you, Roy, do they, Joyce?

- No - There you go.

Cheers.

Ah!

-What's this?

-Chorizo omelette.

Do I like it?

Feeling a bit delicate?

At both ends.

It was worth it, though - we needed to smooth things over with Roy.

-Can we not talk about smooth things?

-You don't want that.

Do you want me to get you a proper breakfast?

I don't need anything, there's plenty here.

-But it's mine.

-Isn't it about time Joan was down?

The ceremony starts at 11, doesn't it?

Roy needs to get a move on as well.

-CAROL:

-Morning!

-Morning, sorry we're late.

Oh, your mum wants to have a word with you. She's in the lounge.

I'll go and talk to her.

You two, go and wake Roy up.

-I haven't finished my breakfast.

-Yes, you have.

Come on, Trev.

I can't get my corsage to stay on.

Something tells me you're the kind of man who could.

MUSIC: The Saint Theme.

Love your tie.

Roy?

-Roy?

-You don't think he's done a runner?

-He'll be asleep.

Roy!

Why isn't he waking up?

We could just go in.

We've got no key.

Where did you get that?

I lost my key last night, after the bars closed,

while we were still trying to find our rooms.

Just after you took Roy outside to throw up.

It's a pass key, the girl on reception gave it to me.

-The receptionist gave you a key that opens up all the rooms?

-Yes.

-She insisted.

-You must never use your powers for evil.

TEXT MESSAGE BEEP

Roy!

Roy... CHASTISING: Roy!

Come on! You're going to be late!

-Roy?

-Is he...?

-I don't know.

-He did have a bit to drink last night.

Yeah, but that wouldn't have killed him.

That might. SHE SHRIEKS

-Morning.

-The girls are getting jumpy downstairs.

I've just had a text from Carol.

I'll tell them to wait.

Roy is the best thing that could ever happen to her.

-Hi, Mum.

-Hi!

-Hi.

-How are you feeling?

-Fine.

-What's on your mind, Joan?

Well, I've been thinking about Roy.

Ooh! Steady on!

This early in the morning? What are you thinking?

I don't want to marry him.

Oh, my God, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!

-All right, just calm down.

-You're going to be OK.

People get over all sorts of traumatic experiences.

-He's dead and I killed him!

-I'm not saying it won't take you a while.

-We better call the manager.

-No, you can't do that!

-Why not?

-He's my husband.

Er...

hang on, let's think about this.

What is there to think about?

Why don't you just finish getting dressed, eh?

That's it, there we go.

That's it.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-CAROL:

-Roy?

Are you in there?

-It's Carol.

-You can't let her in.

-KNOCKING CONTINUES

-Why not?

-Let's just think about what we're doing.

-What do you mean?

-Last night we were pouring drinks down him.

I don't want people thinking we killed him.

-We didn't kill him.

-Exactly.

-You killed him.

Roy, we're all waiting downstairs, my love.

-Say something.

-Like what?

-Anything.

-Hi, love.

-Trevor?

-Yes.

-Is Roy in there?

-Yes.

Oh.

It's getting late.

Will he be much longer?

He might be a while.

What am I doing?

-Just indulging myself, that's what it is.

-No, it's not!

Just because you've got a few years on the rest of us,

there's no reason not to lead your life.

-You've got to go for it, Joan.

-Everyone's taken so much trouble

-over a stupid old thing like me.

-Old people get married all the time.

So do stupid people.

And Claire's on her way with the kids, and Terry.

Even Pete and Cath!

Doesn't that make you want to go through with it?

Knowing all those people are going to be there for you?

Well, it would, if I liked any of them.

What about Roy? He'd be so disappointed.

He's still young, he'll find somebody else.

Won't you miss him?

We'll keep in touch.

-What about all his jokes?

-They're not that good.

What about his magic hands?

Oh, all right.

We're all here, so we might as well go through with it.

ALAN CLEARS HIS THROAT AWKWARDLY

Has she gone?

-All clear.

-What are we going to do about him?

Well, we've got to tell somebody. We can't just leave him here.

Where is he?

Maybe she moved him.

-What, you think the maid tidied him up?

-No, I didn't!

ALAN YELPS, ROY SHOUTS, MAID SHRIEKS

Trevor, why don't you take her down to your room and calm her down?

Come on, let's go and get some hot, sweet tea.

That's what you need after a shock.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I mean, I don't usually do this sort of thing...

-That's Colin!

-Who's Colin?

-My husband!

Oh, the manager. Don't worry, I'll sort it out.

ALARM WAILS, "THE SAINT" THEME PLAYS

Excuse me, I'm terribly sorry, I've just hit that fire alarm by mistake.

Now, we don't want a full fire drill, do we?

-Don't worry, sir.

-Thank you so much.

"THE SAINT" THEME PLAYS

Who are you?

-Trevor.

-LIFT POWERS DOWN

What's happening?

Fire alarm.

-Oh, my Gawd!

-It's all right, Mum.

-Oh, yeah(!)

We're in the safest place for a fire(!)

That's what they say, isn't it?

"When there's a fire, head for the lift. You'll be safe in there(!)"

-What were you doing?

-Playing dead.

How was that going to work?

Got me out of three marriages.

Bit of gallows humour there.

No, I thought I'd get out the window when you left the room.

-What are you, Spider-Man?

-Why did you do it?

I've got an addictive personality.

I'm addicted to sex and alcohol.

-You love Joan, though.

-I do.

Well, that's the main thing, isn't it?

-Have you pressed all the buttons?

-No, I left a few out(!)

-It's feeling a bit close.

-That's cos we're stuck in a lift, Mum.

I'm feeling hot!

-It's all right, Mum.

-I've got to get out of here. Get me out!

-She's having a panic attack.

-I need some air!

-Calm down.

Get me out of here, get me...

-What are you doing?

-Well, she might calm down if she can't see anything.

She's not a budgie!

-Are we going to tell Maureen?

-We don't need to bother her with this.

Everybody has last-minute wobbles before their wedding.

Hey, Paula, Terry! It's in the function room.

We'll be down in a jiffy.

Everyone's expecting a wedding.

-Who are we to deny them?

-I think we should tell her.

They're getting married, Alan, and that's that.

But she'll be married to a different person

to the one she fell in love with.

-Who isn't?

-Fair point.

No, thank you!

We're going to make you a nice cup of tea and then,

when you're feeling better, we can get you home.

Hi, love.

-Hi.

-Who's that?

-My wife, Carol.

Oh, the best ones are taken.

-I've just come back for my cardigan.

-Yes.

It's a bit chilly in that function room.

Good idea.

Who's this?

-Pat.

-It's Pat.

Pat.

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

Not a bad turnout.

-Where's Roy?

-He's just nipped to the loo.

-Oh, Mum's so happy!

She's made up, isn't she?

Who would have thought someone would be taking your mum off our hands

-at her time of life?

-I think I'm going to cry.

-Me too.

-You ready to go?

-No.

-What?

-What do you mean?

-There's something I need to tell you.

We were so close!

- I... - He's not the man you think he is.

Alan, we know more about Roy than you can possibly imagine!

-And he's a sweet, decent man.

-He's an alcoholic sex addict.

-I knew it.

-He's just a bit eccentric.

-It's actually a medical condition.

-All right, Roy, I'm dealing with it.

I don't understand.

He spent the night with a member of the hotel staff.

He was drunk, to be fair.

What are you all doing out here?

Having a mothers' meeting?

Joan, there's something I need to tell you.

What's that?

-I'm carrying some baggage.

-Oh!

-Is it for your waterworks?

-Not that kind of baggage.

Emotional baggage.

-I'm an addict.

-Oh, I know that.

-What?

-You didn't think I'd marry you

without checking up on you first, did you?

I spent last night with a strange woman.

You'll be spending your night with an even stranger one.

MUSIC: Canon In D by Johann Pachelbel

-Are you still feeling it?

-I'm on fire down there, Joyce.

-It'll get worse, later.

-Why?

Looks like we're having curry for lunch.

-How's Pat doing?

-Fine.

She just had a bit too much to drink.

I've been thinking, I'm not sure that colour scheme does suit you.

-It's up to you, but...

-I won't wear it any more.

Whatever feels right for you.

-You still need to be assertive.

-Absolutely.

-Maybe weekends.

-I don't think so.

-No, neither do I.

MUSIC: Wedding March by Felix Mendelssohn

-Mum...

-So we both like a drink, what's the big deal?

But you're marrying a sex addict.

That's a cross I'll just have to bear.

But he spent last night with another woman.

I've got a free one in the bank, then, haven't I?

You sure you don't mind a Hindu ceremony?

TRADITIONAL INDIAN MUSIC

I mean, I thought it made a nice change.

-Add a bit of pizzazz.

-Very nice!

Bloody online forms - I ticked the wrong box!

-That's brilliant, isn't it, eh? Finally sorted.

-They'll be fine.

We'll help 'em out, won't we?

-Yes, of course we will.

-I was hoping you'd say that.

I've booked us a romantic holiday as a reward.

Ooh, sexy time.

-If you're lucky.

-Where are we going?

-Mediterranean cruise...

-Ooh-la-la!

..with Mum and Roy.

MUSIC: Jai Ho by AR Rahman

DIALOGUE MUTED