Murder Mystery Boomers

-# Going up to the spirit in the sky

-Spirit in the sky

# That's where I'm gonna go when I die

# When I die

# When I die...#

I've never been to a murder mystery before.

I went to that one at Maria and Tony's.

I'm a bit nervous.

No-one actually gets murdered.

Although we came close when she ran out of Cava.

I think I might win.

I usually get it right on Midsomer Murders.

Yeah, when it's a repeat.

Careful with the drinking, Trevor.

-I don't want you doing press-ups in bed tonight.

-Understood.

And if you're going to do that other thing we tried last night,

warm your hands up first.

# Oh, yeah, yeah

# Now if there's a smile on my face

# It's only there trying to fool the public

# But when it comes down to fooling you

# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject... #

It's not typecasting, Alan.

I offered to bring the main course.

They always treat us differently.

It's just part of the game.

Now just relax and try and enjoy yourself for once.

Why couldn't he just have us round for a drink,

like normal people do on their birthdays?

Oh, you know John. He likes an occasion.

Anyway, you haven't been put out.

I hired the costumes, prepared the food.

All you had to do was get him a present.

-Did you mange to do that?

-Yes.

Yeah, well, what did you get him?

A set of bulbs and an AA road map for his car?

That's what you usually tell me to get him.

No, it's something a bit different.

Oh, don't forget to put the card in with it.

It's very difficult buying something for the man who has everything.

Oh, no. Don't start that again.

Start what again?

Every time we come to their house

you make a big thing about the money.

-No, I don't.

-Yes, you do.

You get all chippy.

You start going on about his wine cellar.

I like John, but he can be a bit showy.

It's all in your head, Alan.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-They don't make a big thing about the money, and neither should we.

They've got two presents.

-Hi!

-Hi.

-Look at you!

Look at you two!

-How are you guys?

-Excited.

It's fun dressing up, isn't it?

Yeah, it'll be great to catch up.

I haven't seen much of Maureen lately.

She missed power walking all this month.

It's usually a dinner thing, this, isn't it?

No, it's got to be lunchtime. Maureen's on a 5-2 diet.

That means after four o'clock this afternoon

she's fasting for two days.

Of course. I knew there'd be a rational explanation.

There's been a murder.

ALL: Happy birthday, John.

Who's John? I'm Lord Tarquin Greystone III.

Pretend.

Welcome, everyone, to Greystone Manor.

Where tonight...

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.

Murder has been committed.

Colonel Featherstonehaugh-Smythe is dead.

His body's in the drawing-room.

Pretend.

Now, we are all suspects, so between us

we must look at all the evidence and solve this terrible crime.

Bishop Blarney, Sister Servitude,

and my lovely wife, Lady Greystone.

-Oh!

-Good evening.

And of course, Jeeves and Mrs Duster - our servants.

Obviously.

Now, the idea is we all read our backstories from the clue cards,

and then we ask each other questions.

Maureen, love, the cards.

Oh, I keep forgetting about the question bit.

I just like dressing up, that's the fun bit.

Who wants a drink?

Sorry, forgot the drinks.

BELL RINGS

Don't get chippy, Alan. It's only a bit of fun.

Thank you, Jeeves.

Champagne for the ladies.

My lady.

And a good red wine for the boys.

-Thank you, John.

-Don't drink too much, Jeeves.

You're serving dinner later.

How about some nibbles?

Would you like to take that through to the kitchen, Mrs Duster?

Or should I call you Fanny?

That's your name, Fanny Duster.

I thought we were supposed to have joke names?

I'll explain later.

It's so nice of you to do the main course, Joyce.

Oh, don't be silly. It's no bother at all.

But I promised John I'd play this game,

and I'm terrible at remembering who did what to whom.

And if I'm fiddling around in here I'll lose track altogether.

It's fine, Maureen, really.

Plus I've got this outfit,

and if I'm cooking it'll all get messy.

And you've just got your pinny on from home, haven't you?

Well, actually, this...

Yeah, it's just my home pinny.

It's just taking things in and out of the oven, isn't it?

That's the timer, that's the fan oven, that's the grill.

It's all quite straightforward.

-And there's a manual somewhere if you get stuck.

-Oh, OK.

Oh, and would you get the serving dish from the dining room, please?

Oh, yes, m'lady.

Thank you, Mrs Duster.

All part of the fun, Joyce.

I know it's a big faff, making everyone dress up,

but at least we're not having it at the sailing club.

-Oh, still down there a lot, is he?

-He's always there.

I find myself having to fill the days, Carol.

There's only so much Bargain Hunt I can take.

It must be difficult.

I'm living like a widow without the insurance pay-out.

I learned in counselling that it's important to do your own thing.

See, me and Trevor have different things on during the day,

but we always come together in the evenings for joint activities.

Don't worry, I've got my own thing going on.

-Have you?

-And it's keeping me fit.

What, something to replace the power walking, is it?

-There's a man lying dead in the drawing-room.

-Oh, right.

Let's go to work. What do we do?

Good. Bishop Blarney.

When did you first meet the colonel?

At the village fete.

Sister Servitude? When did you first meet the colonel?

At the harvest festival service.

Jeeves... Another drink, please.

-Oh, can I get...?

-Get it yourself.

"MAMMA MIA" RINGTONE PLAYS

Hello, Mum? It's Mum.

Yes. I'll just take it outside, it's a bad line.

Diego, how are you, sweetheart? Yeah, me, too.

So, am I going to see you later?

No! No, John still hasn't got a clue.

-A cigar, Bishop?

-Thank you, no.

Not for you, Jeeves.

Now, we have more cards here. Lady Greystone, more cards.

-It all sounds so complicated.

-It's not complicated.

It's really very straightforward.

-Jeeves, would you give this one to Fanny?

-Can we change her name?

We can't change names now, Al.

I mean, it's complicated enough as it is.

You work out the murder by asking questions...

-What did you get him?

-An antique ship's compass. What about you?

Car accessories?

A-ha-ha-ha!

So, Your Eminence, what brings you to Greystone Manor?

Is it the fact that your nephew was recently added

to the colonel's will in mysterious circumstances?

Can I borrow Trevor?

It's Bishop Blarney, remember?

And I've got a few questions to ask you, Sister.

-I'm not answering questions.

-Oh, that's interesting!

-What have you got to hide?

-Oh, shut up, Trevor!

-I think Maureen is seeing someone.

-Oh, wait, is it the butler?

-No, not in the game - in real life!

-What?

-I just heard her on the phone to a man.

-Maureen? Don't be silly!

Trevor, her phone rang

and a man's name came up on the caller ID thingy.

She pretended it was her mum.

Well, I'm sure there's a perfectly ordinary explanation.

-What was the name?

-Diego. It's Spanish.

Yes, I know, Carol, but not every Spanish person is an adulterer.

Well, some of them are. Oh...

-Ha, you're not talking about me, are you?

-Ha! No!

I didn't do it!

She was telling me she's been feeling lonely.

Well, you can't blame her for thinking about other men.

Anyone would do the same. Well, almost anyone.

-What about that bell?

-Oh, stop going on about it!

They never ask Trevor and Carol to be servants.

They take us for granted, that's what it is.

I wish you'd get past the money issue.

So, they've got a bit of money - so what? I never even think about it.

We're all the same underneath. How did he like his present?

-He hasn't opened it yet.

-What did you get him?

Oh, it's fantastic - perfect for John.

-It's a pair of Liverpool FC cufflinks.

-Where did you get them?

Oh, this is the great thing - they were free.

I found them in the present drawer.

You see, usually I get him car accessories, which is

a bit boring, if I'm honest, but this is much more personalised.

-Which present drawer?

-The bottom one.

Those are the cufflinks John and Maureen bought you for Christmas.

-What?

-You've given him his own present. Go and get them back!

-I don't remember getting them.

-It was three years ago!

-But I don't even support Liverpool.

-Maureen bought them.

-John knows I don't even...

-It doesn't matter!

Just go and get them before he opens them.

-Yeah, right, OK.

-Oh, Alan, what have you done?

-They already think we're tight.

-You said the money wasn't important.

I didn't mean it!

-Is anyone playing this game?

-Is there anything you require, my lord?

Thanks, Al. Yes, Jeeves, a question for you.

-You knew the Colonel very well.

-What?

You knew the Colonel very well, yet you claim you never knew he was...

-The Colonel?

-Yes, the Colonel.

-What about him?

-Well, I'm asking you

if you knew he was in a relationship with Mrs...

-What are you looking for?

-Nothing.

-Are you going to answer this question?

-Yes.

You claim you never knew he was romantically involved

-with Mrs...

-Where are the presents?

-I don't know, Maureen's probably got them.

-You haven't opened them yet?

-No, why?

-I just wondered.

-Can I carry on?

-Yeah, yeah, shoot.

Did you ask the maid if she saw the Colonel in the kitchen?

I'll be back in a sec.

-Did I tell you I'm getting sailing classes?

-Ooh, that's nice!

So me and John can spend a bit more time together, you know,

share a hobby.

This guy Diego's teaching me

-and he's coming round later with my certificate.

-Oh!

Yeah, it's my big surprise birthday present for John.

-Oh, he doesn't deserve you, Maureen!

-Well, it's the least I could do.

He bought me this kitchen for my last birthday.

You've evened things up, then, haven't you?

Just looking for some nibbles. Ah!

Oh, John rang for Alan, but he's disappeared somewhere.

Don't say anything to John about Diego, will you?

He thinks I've been taking extra aqua aerobic classes!

And don't say a word, not even to Carol cos, you know,

she'll tell Trevor and he'll tell everyone else.

You know what he's like.

What are we listening to?

-What?

-You're gathering clues, aren't you?

-Yes.

-Can I have a listen?

No, no, no, you must gather your own clues.

-It's good fun, this game, isn't it?

-It really is.

-I knew you'd like it.

Gah!

-Crisp?

-No, thanks, Bishop.

TOILET FLUSHES

You were right - she is seeing that guy, she's just told Joyce.

Oh, I knew it! Poor John! I wonder why she hasn't told me.

Maybe she didn't want to make you choose sides.

You're a bit closer to John, aren't you? He's always liked you.

That's true, he has always liked me.

If she leaves him, there could be financial implications.

She might even get the house.

There's more to a relationship than bricks and mortar.

You think she might get the boat as well?

If Joyce is on Maureen's side,

that'll put Alan in a difficult position.

No, Alan is strong. He'll never abandon John.

-He will if Joyce tells him to.

-You're right, he will.

-It just shows you never can tell, can you?

-Yes.

-I thought they were happy.

-What are we going to do?

I don't want to have to choose sides.

-Shouldn't we say something to John?

-Like what?

"Many happy returns, John. Oh, by the way,

"Maureen's having an affair with a Spanish dance instructor."

-How do you know he's a dance instructor?

-Sorry, it's this game.

I'm giving everybody a backstory.

-Oh!

-Not interrupting anything, am I?

-No!

-Nothing!

You've worked it out - the maid's got an alibi.

That's it!

Where's Mrs Duster? I need to ask her some questions. Joyce?

-I'm busy in the kitchen.

-In your own time!

-She's taken to that kitchen.

-It is a nice kitchen.

-Oh, I should hope so!

-It cost enough.

-Well, should you be spending money right now, John?

-I mean, what if your circumstances change?

-Change? Change how?

Somehow, in an unspecified way. Anything could happen. I don't know.

-Carol, do you know?

-I don't know.

-Neither of us know.

-Are you OK? You look a bit flushed.

-I'm fine.

-Your dog collar's not too tight?

-No.

-You sure?

-I'm fine, honestly.

-I'll be in the living room.

-OK.

Oh, my stomach's giving me gyp!

That'll be your acid reflux again.

-You're stressed, aren't you?

-I am a bit.

-I can tell.

-You'd better get your pills. They're in the car.

-OK.

-Joyce...

-Hi!

-Can I get a glass of water?

-Of course you can!

You don't have to ask. I'm not actually catering staff.

-You having a nice time?

-Yeah, lovely.

I wasn't sure this was going to be fun, but it is, isn't it?

Yeah, it's really fun.

I thought having to remember all that character stuff might be

-a bit stressful, but it's not.

-No, not stressful at all.

-You all right?

Yeah, yeah, fine, fine.

Hey, what do you think about Lady Greystone being a bit slutty?

Oh, thank God! I am so relieved you said that.

I thought you were taking her side.

So, how did you find out?

It's written on the card, isn't it?

"Lady Greystone - a bit slutty"?

-Oh, yeah!

-What were you talking about?

Oh, I was, you know,

just thinking of a different clue on my character card...

On my clue card.

Do you want a drink?

Oh!

-It's moved.

-Oh, Alan!

-I can't find the present.

-Right, I'll have to get it.

Do you think you could manage to watch the food?

-Why don't you ask Maureen where she put it?

-Why would I ask her that?

-So you can get it back.

-Why would I want it back?

Oh, yeah, right, it's not as easy as it sounds, is it?

APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

Ah, Sister Servitude! I've been wondering where you'd been.

Now, have you asked the butler why he wouldn't answer

the door to you when you called two hours before the Colonel's death?

You've gone to so much trouble to make this special, haven't you?

Yep, I'm beginning to wonder why I even bothered.

-Me and Trevor are going to help you through this.

-The Bishop?

Yeah, that's right - "the Bishop".

We all love you, big guy.

I think I missed this bit. Ah, Fanny!

Have you any questions for us?

Not for the minute, John, no.

It might be nice if you ask him some questions. It is his birthday.

Ah, Lady Greystone! For generations, our family have lived in this home.

Until tonight, it has always been a place of peace and tranquillity.

You read yours now.

-INCOMING TEXT ALERT

-Hang on a sec.

-What time are we eating, do you think?

-Oh, I'm not sure.

Ask the other servant. He's taken over.

-I'll leave you two alone.

-What for?

They'll be back. They're probably asking each other questions.

I think they're having trouble following the game.

-I think Joyce is getting a bit grumpy.

-I don't know why.

She's doing all the cooking and Alan's running around...

-You're imagining it, Maureen.

-Shall I get them a drink?

No, no, no, you relax. I'll do it.

-Excuse me, is this Maureen's house?

-Who's asking, please?

-Diego.

Diego Thomas.

It's a strange name, I know.

My mother's Spanish and my dad's from Carmarthen.

I've got a half-sister called Blodwen Gonzalez!

-HE LAUGHS

-I'm joking.

-Ha!

-You're a friend of Maureen's, are you?

-Yes, yes.

-I expect she's told you about me, then, has she?

-Yes.

I'm here to see Maureen, but I don't want to see John, obviously.

-Obviously!

-So, shall I wait in the kitchen?

No, no, she's got people around. Posh do, lords and ladies, bishops.

-Well, I won't steal anything!

-Oh, won't you?

-What?

-Erm, what about the garage?

-OK, out of sight!

-Exactly.

-And you'll bring her out to me?

-Er, yes.

-This is very kind of you.

-Not at all.

-I suppose it's your vocation, isn't it?

-What?

-You're all about discretion.

-Oh, that's right!

CRUNCH OF GRAVEL

Joyce?

Joyce?

-Oh, there you are!

-Oh, I was just looking at your curtains again.

They're lovely, aren't they?

Apparently, I've got to ask you a question.

When did you realise that Lord Greystone

was lying about the Colonel's inheritance?

To be honest with you, Maureen, I haven't been keeping up

with the ebb and flow of the game as much as I'd like to.

Oh, I'll make something up.

-You know it's just a bit of fun, don't you?

-Course I do!

-I mean, all that bell-ringing and whatnot.

-I know!

-And Alan knows it's just a bit of fun, too?

-He loves it!

You're our oldest friends. We wouldn't want to upset you.

-Don't be silly!

-Oh!

When I cut my daughter off from the inheritance,

I was unaware that she was secretly in love with the Col...

Why do you keep looking at me like that?

All right, Bish?

Fine, John, fine, everything's fine.

-I just want a word with Carol.

-But...

-He's in the garage!

-Who's in the garage?

The man - Diego, the one that Maureen is seeing!

-Why is he in the garage?

-I didn't want him to make a scene.

He's a big guy, Carol, and he's Welsh. What if he gets violent?

-We need to talk to him.

-Why don't we talk to Maureen first?

He's the problem, Trevor! We've got to keep him away from John.

If John finds out about him, there's no going back for him and Maureen.

It'll be all over between them.

FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

-(What are you doing?)

-(What if he tries to call her?)

-I've got a new bit to read out.

-Oh, that's fantastic!

-Read on.

In case you're wondering what the smell is,

it's the Colonel decomposing.

-Sorry, John.

-Maureen's found another bit.

Read your bit, Maureen.

-I'm having an affair.

-What?!

He was kind to me.

I found comfort in his arms.

Lady Greystone's having an affair.

-Who is it with, again?

-It's on your card - the butler.

-Alan?

-The butler!

-Who'd have an affair with Alan?

-Have we got any more of that red?

-In the garage.

-BOTH:

-NO!

It's your birthday.

You shouldn't be fetching things on your birthday - we'll go.

-Everyone, stay calm and remain here.

-I'll go and get some.

No, you're the hostess. You've done enough.

You stay here and play the game.

-It was in the bedroom.

-See? No harm done.

Right.

What do we do now?

-We just take it back home.

-And give him what instead?

-Go out and get him something.

-Like what?

Nip down to the service station

and get him some accessories for his car.

Brilliant. He loves car accessories.

To be honest, I don't know why

I didn't get him some in the first place.

-Just be firm with him.

-Firm, but fair.

I... Just getting some air.

Forgot my glasses.

Can't read the bloody questions.

-Diego?

-Hello?

-This is Trevor speaking. Do you remember me?

-What, the vicar?

-Bishop, actually.

Look, the door seems to have locked itself. Can you open it your side?

-We're coming in now, Diego.

-We just want to speak with you for a moment.

-This is my wife, Carol.

-Is that allowed?

-We're playing a game.

-What sort of game?

-That isn't important right now.

-Where's Maureen?

She's with John. I don't think she should see you right now.

-Well, she asked me to come here.

-She isn't thinking straight.

-It's a bad time. It's John's birthday party!

-I know!

-Unbelievable.

-Have you thought about the damage you're doing to Maureen?

It's perfectly safe if you do it right.

-My God, he's completely shameless.

-Come to one of the sessions.

-I'll show you.

-Oh, Trevor!

-Stand behind me, Carol.

Why don't I come and talk to Maureen? Oi!

-DOOR IS LOCKED

-What sort of bishop are you?

Behave, Diego!

I was going to get John to open these later,

but he can open them now before Diego brings my sailing certificate,

-can't he?

-No, don't do that!

-Why not?

Well, your present is the big one and you want it to be special.

He can open ours later, much later.

Joyce, your present is just as important as mine.

-Have you seen my phone?

-Erm, no.

Diego should be here by now.

He might be trying to call me.

I have an announcement to make.

If you'd all like to follow me into the living room... Well, come on.

-He'll calm down.

-Exactly.

He'll calm down and then we'll go back and let him out

when everyone's eating.

"MAMMA MIA" RINGTONE PLAYS

RINGTONE QUIETENS

Oh, come on, Maureen, pick up!

# Yes, I've been broken hearted

# Blue since the day we parted

# Why, why did I ever let you go? #

CLATTERING

CLATTERING CONTINUES

-Where have you been? I've been ringing for ages.

-Sorry.

Jeeves, I have an announcement to make. I know who the murderer is.

-I think there's a cat stuck in your garage.

-Never mind that now.

-John knows who done it.

-Oh, that's exciting.

-That's exciting, isn't it, Trevor?

-Very!

I was saying I know who the murderer is, but first...

-Shouldn't we top everybody up first?

-Yes, please.

-Didn't you go out to get some more wine?

-I forgot.

-Jeeves, can you tell us...

-What were you doing out there, you two?

-We were...

-Having a conversation.

-It's good to have conversations.

It keeps a marriage alive.

We learned that in marriage counselling,

which I heartily recommend.

Oh, right.

In the garage, right?

-Actually, maybe a cup of tea would be nice.

-Oh, tea would be lovely.

-We don't need wine.

-I do.

-Sit down, Alan.

-I'm just going to get...

SIT DOWN, Alan.

-I'm sitting.

-How did you do that?

So, everyone, tea.

John, tea?

Maureen, tea? Alan, tea? Joyce, would you like a cup of tea?

Trevor, would you like to help me make the tea?

"MAMMA MIA" RINGTONE PLAYS

Is that my phone?

I think it is.

-There! Now we can concentrate on the game.

-Really focus on that murder.

-We are completely focused.

-Who's Diego?

-I was going to tell you about it later, John.

-Tell me what?

-Wait, Maureen.

-Yes, hang on.

-Think about John.

-Yes, poor John.

Well, can it wait five minutes? Cos I know who the murderer is.

-I'm doing this FOR John.

-We don't judge you, Maureen.

-We really don't.

I often thought about other men

-when Trevor and I were having our problems.

-Exactly. What?!

-I'm dealing with it, Trevor.

-I knew who the murderer was.

-I don't think about Diego like that.

-He doesn't love you, Maureen.

-Of course he doesn't love me.

-So, why are you seeing him?

Sailing lessons! So that John and I can go to the yacht club together.

What other reason would I have for seeing him?

A sex reason?

-Did you know all about this?

-Servants always know, don't they?

-You'd learn to sail for me?

-Of course I would.

Where do you think I've been going off to this last month?

Well, senior swimming.

I mean swimming.

So, where is Diego now?

And then I heard Maureen and Joyce talking.

And we put two and two together.

-I knew, deep down, there could be nothing in it.

-Well, so did I.

I just thought he'd be safer in here.

Diego!

THUD!

-Are you all right, my love?

-I'm fine.

Well done.

You've brought my sailing certificate. Happy birthday.

-What's going on?

-I haven't a clue, mate.

I left my question cards in the house.

He's not going to sue, but I don't get any more sailing lessons.

Alan, you made me pick up the wrong bag.

It's not my fault.

Cufflinks!

Nice one, Al. We've got matching sets now.

Whose present did you throw away?

Thanks, Trev - car bulbs.

# We're caught in a trap

# I can't walk out

# Because I love you too much, baby

# We can't go on together with suspicious minds

# And we can't build our dreams... #