Mick's Return Boomers

Did I tell you I heard from Mick the other day?

Oh, yeah? How's him and Elena getting on?

Could be better - they're splitting up.

He's moved out of their apartment, living in his camper van.

Oh, poor Mick, that's terrible.

So what's he going to do, then?

Well, he mentioned something about coming over for a visit,

see a few of his old mates.

-Oh, that'd be good for him.

-Really?

Yeah, he should come over, stay a few days.

Well, if you think it's a good idea.

So...when's he thinking of coming, then?

VAN HORN BEEPS

All right, Joyce?

Mind if I park my Winnebago in your drive...as it were?

Surprise.

# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Now, if there's a smile on my face

# It's only there trying to fool the public

# But when it comes down to fooling you

# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject... #

You poor thing. You must be devastated.

I thought we were soul mates, Maureen, do you know what I mean?

Our destinies intertwined forever.

-WHISPERING:

-I've had this for three days.

What next, Mick? I suppose you'll be heading back soon, then, will you?

-It's tricky, John.

-What do you mean "tricky"?

There's nowhere to go back to. Elena's living in the flat.

Well, can't you get a place of your own?

Once we've sold it, yeah.

When will that be?

Property market's picking up a bit,

so...shouldn't be more than six months.

-IN HUSHED VOICE:

-Oh, no.

I know he's Alan's mate, but I just can't take to him.

I don't know what it is.

-He's always been very nice to me.

-That'll be it.

-TANNOY:

-'Today's special offer - two-for-one on potted plants.'

Welcome to Brampton's.

Welcome to Brampton's.

Alan?

I thought it was you.

I didn't know you were working in here.

I assumed you'd read about it in the Appointments section of The Times.

-Just don't tell everybody, please.

-Alan?

-Bugger.

I thought it was you.

-You never told us that...

-We've done that bit.

I tried to persuade them to shop online,

but they wouldn't have it.

OK. Now, give us a wave.

Don't worry, it's not going on YouTube - just Facebook.

Hey! Give me that.

-TANNOY:

-'Customers are reminded...'

Oh, thanks again for helping out at the jumble sale this afternoon.

We have to be away by five.

John and I are out to dinner tonight.

-Carlito's again?

-Every Saturday.

Well, they know us in there, they always have the same meal.

They don't do proper marmalade in Spain.

I couldn't have it when Elena was with me

cos she didn't like the chunky bits.

Well, you'll let your hair down a bit now, then, can't you?

Yeah. I can have a marmalade party.

You coming to my charity jumble sale?

I don't think so, Carol.

I can't think about raising the spirits of others

when my own heart is so heavy.

We've got a tombola!

-Who's organising it?

-Me.

Ha! Got me to smile, anyway.

Seriously, who's organising it?

I've got lots of us roped in this year.

Maureen and Joyce are doing a second-hand furniture stall,

Alan and John are doing the car park.

POTS SMASH

They're so dedicated, these two.

They had a cake day for

the National Psoriasis Foundation last week.

The Great British Flake Off.

Sorry, it's the bitterness coming through again.

ALAN GROANS

Aw, it means such a lot to me that you're coming to help.

Oh, it means so much to me that it means so much to you.

-SHE GIGGLES

-We'll have fun, won't we?

We certainly will, my love, we certainly will.

I can't do it, Al!

-Why, what's the problem?

-It's a diary clash.

I've got the Rotary Club thing this afternoon -

-I can't be at Carol's jumble sale.

-That is devastating.

That really puts the collapse of Mick's marriage into perspective.

I do a clown show for the children at the church hall.

They'll be gutted. I do balloon animals and...

-Why don't you do both?

-What?

Well, they're only ten minutes apart.

Brilliant!

You're welcome.

I hear you and Maureen are out for dinner tonight.

Yep.

She was saying you always go to the same place.

-Yeah, well, it's very good.

-Is it?

-She likes it.

-Does she?

-She wouldn't go if she didn't like it.

-Wouldn't she?

-Has she said something?

She had a tone, John. I've heard that tone before.

-From Elena.

-Yeah, well, she was 30 years younger than you.

Nothing to do with it, John.

Women of all ages need to be kept interested.

Elena and me used to go to the same restaurant for dinner every week.

You'll be saving money now, then, won't you?

Can I give you some advice on spicing things up?

Advice? For me?

Three words, Mick - grandmother, eggs, suck.

Well, whatever works for you, John.

I was thinking more about, like,

surprising her with little gifts, that sort of thing.

Towards the end, Elena wanted to try different things, NEW things.

-What new things?

-Role-play.

Pretending to be other people.

Sounds absolutely ridiculous.

What happened?

Once, she wanted me to be Neil Armstrong.

For some reason, I got Louis Armstrong in my head

and the voice scared her.

-Shit job, Al.

-Oh, no, it's not too bad, really.

I get discounts, and the staff are all really friendly,

we have good banter.

-Alvin, isn't it?

-Er, it's Alan, actually.

I noticed earlier you weren't

putting much oomph into your customer greetings.

-Oomph?

-Yeah, oomph, enthusiasm.

This is really a job for a cheerful person.

I am a cheerful person.

Right. Er, can you say, "Welcome to Brampton's," in a cheerful way?

-What, you mean now?

-Yeah.

IN MUTED TONE: Welcome to Brampton's.

Even more cheerful.

IN MUTED TONE: Welcome to Brampton's!

Yeah. Well, keep working on it.

In the meantime, just pick up some rubbish or something.

Yeah, it's the end of my shift, actually.

-I've got a jumble sale to go to.

-Oh! I'm going to that.

I'll see you there...after you've picked up the rubbish.

There's another bit there, under the trolleys.

Keep going. Go on.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Have you got it yet?

Banter.

Do you know? Standing here, watching you, made me think something.

-Does it involve Elena?

-Kind of.

Towards the end we used to bottle up feelings,

like resentment, irritation, whatever.

And I think if we'd let go of those feelings,

like, if we'd released the pressure valve a little bit at a time,

we wouldn't have had the big blow up at the end.

-I'm not bottling anything up.

-I can see it, Al.

Show the guy you're upset.

Stand up for yourself. People respect honesty.

MESSAGE SEND TONE

-So, looking forward to tonight?

-Yeah.

-What are you going to have?

-I thought I'd have the steak.

-Yeah, me too.

-It's always nice, isn't it?

-We could try new things if you like?

-What, tonight?

Yeah, it might be nice to do something different for a change,

you know, something a bit...dangerous?

You're not going to try the seafood risotto, are you?

It's lovely, Alan. It really is.

You're sure it was OK, you using your staff discount?

Oh, that's fine, Christine, no problem.

It's been a bit of a boon, you working there, hasn't it?

Best two weeks of my life.

I was just wondering how long your friend's van's

going to be on your drive...

-Hi, Christine.

-Oh, hi, Joyce.

I was just talking to Alan about the camper van.

Do you have any idea how long it's going to be parked there?

Not long, Christine.

Only, it is a parking issue

because sometimes his end sticks right out there.

He's always had that problem.

Do you think you could get him to move it so I can get my car out?

Oh, sorry, love. Do you want the van moved?

I wouldn't raise it with the council because we're friends,

but I do know people that would.

Just as I know people who would complain about

the guitar playing at two in the morning.

-Did you know about his flat?

-What?

-He's waiting to sell his flat

-Erm...

He's got to go, Alan!

Look, he's going through a difficult time.

We can't just kick him out. ENGINE STARTS

You know, he made me realise something at work today.

He made me realise that my pride is still important to me.

I had a bit of a run in with my boss, and then I texted him

and told him he was out of order.

-I'm waiting for an apology.

-You did what?

PHONE BEEPS Oh, here we go.

-Is that it?

-Yup!

What did he say?

-He's fired me.

-Mind the car!

VAN CRASHES

That is typical of my luck.

# Money! #

This role-play...do we pretend not to know each other?

Yeah, yeah, it's like the first time we met, first date.

-But we're different people?

-Yeah.

I don't know, John. Seems a bit difficult.

I'm not John, remember?

-Who are you?

-Well, I don't know yet. I mean, who are you?

-Maureen.

-Maureen's my wife's name.

-I know.

You can't be Maureen cos you're not my wife.

Pff, I think I'm getting a stress headache.

Look, just make a name up. Any name.

-Margaret.

-Except Margaret.

-And you're a doctor?

-You could be a nurse.

-Why can't I be a doctor?

-OK, you can be a doctor.

-You could be a plumber.

-I am a plumber.

But if you were a plumber in this, and I were a doctor in a big house,

you'd have to come and do jobs for me, wouldn't you?

-I suppose so.

-And if you weren't working hard enough,

I could tell you hurry up.

Yeah.

OK.

I like it now.

This is quite a big day for me.

I've never organised anything like this before!

You have done brilliant, Carol.

Don't know where you get your energy from.

I couldn't do it without Trevor's support.

Knowing he's behind me makes it possible.

-You all right?

-Fine, yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Trevor speaking.

Yes, er, I'm on my way.

Tell the children I'll be ten minutes.

I'm already changed.

Erm, I've just got to nip home for a minute.

-Oh, what for?

-Well, Derek phoned. He said our bedroom window's open.

Oh, no-one's going to break in.

-Well, they might.

-It'll be fine.

He also said he could smell gas.

Oh, no. We should call the fire brigade.

Oh, no need. It's just a bit of gas, very faint.

I mean, just enough to be concerned,

not enough to call the fire brigade.

I won't be long!

MUSIC: Superman Main Theme by John Williams

Obviously, we'll replace it for you.

This whole situation's got totally out of hand, Joyce.

He's only going to stay a few days. He's just split up with his wife.

Well, I sympathise, Joyce. Really, I do.

I've been through a couple of break-ups myself.

-The key is not to mope about it.

-Yep.

Get over it, move on!

Actually, we might be able to fit this back together.

Oh, please don't touch anything.

-Just trying to help, my love.

-Just go away.

Look, I thought we agreed that this job was good for you,

gets you out of the house.

I don't need a job for that. I can go into town, hang around

until you're ready for me to come home.

And we need the money for the loft conversion, don't we?

When you see your manager this afternoon,

-you beg for your job back, Alan - do you understand?

-Yeah, but I...

You get down on the floor in front of him

and you beg like a dog.

Yeah, fair enough, I suppose.

-Where are you going?

-I'm going sort your friend out.

Why do I always have to be the bad guy?

Because you're so good at it.

Joke.

That'll last you for years, that will,

-as long as you don't sit on it.

-Thanks.

Seriously, don't sit on it.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-I believe we have an appointment.

-I believe we have.

So, what seems to be the problem?

I'm suffering with anxiety.

Might you be able to give me something to relax?

I can certainly give you a look over.

Yes, and then perhaps we could clock off NHS time,

and you can give me some private treatment.

-That would be inappropriate.

-Oh, sorry, Doctor.

Is that a mole on your neck?

-What?

-Have you had it long?

-Is this for real?

Has it changed in size or colour recently?

That's not very sexy.

It's dermatology, John - it's not meant to be sexy.

KNOCK AT DOOR

I found these in the sink in the bathroom -

I'm guessing they're yours.

Whoops! I thought I was feeling a bit draughty.

Shall I get a curry in for tonight? You know, just do my bit.

Yeah. OK, thanks. Why not.

No worries.

You got any cash? I've only got euros.

-Have you got a minute?

-Drop of vino?

-No, thanks.

I don't blame you, Joyce.

This must look ugly to you,

a man of my age trying to drown his sorrows in cheap wine.

Did you get that out the cupboard by the kitchen door?

-Yep.

-It's not cheap.

We're talking about me again, aren't we?

I promised myself I wouldn't do that.

-You wanted to say something.

-Yeah.

-Is it about me?

-I suppose it is.

-HE SIGHS

-I can't avoid it, can I?

I'm like a reluctant flame

drawing the moths of my old friends ever closer.

Mmm! Look, what I wanted to say is it's nice having you stay here...

Thanks. I don't know what I'd do without friends like you and Alan.

Oh, don't be silly. You know you can always count on us.

But the thing is, is this what you really want?

Wouldn't you rather be off on your own?

You know, enjoying your independence?

-I am on my own.

-I know but...

That is very much the essential consequence of the marital split.

Look, what I'm trying to say is the longer you stay here,

the more that friendship's going to suffer.

You're right.

I'll get on my way.

Well, I think the best thing you can do

is go back to your own life and start sorting it out.

-CRYING:

-I know.

Well, we just want you to be happy.

I know we've had our ups and downs,

but at the end of the day, we care about you.

I care about you.

Um...!

Right, I better get dressed.

How did he take it?

Uh, pretty well.

If it doesn't settle down in a week or two,

take some arnica - that works for me.

I'm loving this new persona.

-I don't think you're meant to do it with everybody.

-But it's fun.

It's meant to be just for the two of us.

Maybe we ought to stop doing it for a bit.

-This isn't part of the game.

-We can't just stop.

-Can't you?

No! You have to use the safe word.

That's DEFINITELY not part of the game.

-Here you go.

-Aw, thanks.

It's a bit quiet, isn't it? I hope it perks up a bit.

Oh, stop worrying about it, Carol. It's going to be a success.

We're going to have fun!

-Lost Trevor again.

-See? We're having fun already.

-How are we doing here?

-Oh, not bad.

I think we're on target to beat last year.

-Ah!

-HORN HONKS

You're doing such an amazing job, organising all of this.

How does it feel to be in charge?

-Oh, it's a team effort, really.

-PHONE BEEPS

The main thing is making sure everyone knows what they're doing.

Mm, brilliant. Yeah, really brilliant.

-I've got to nip out again, I'm afraid.

-What is it this time?

Well, I said I'd help in the car park if they needed a hand -

you know, team effort.

-Do you think Trevor's a bit odd?

-Yeah, I do.

Have you seen Mick's post on Facebook?

"Tiempo para adios."

"Time to say goodbye." What do you think it means?

He's leaving.

"Time to say goodbye." It's a bit of a grand statement.

-You don't think he's going to do anything silly?

-What, kill himself?

Single men in their 60s are very prone to depression.

It affects the neurotransmitters in their limbic systems.

I like to keep informed about health issues.

Are you sure you're OK? You haven't said a word all the way here.

I've got nothing to say!

You've always got something to say.

Oh, you and your jokes, ha!

You go and see your boss. I'm absolutely fine.

I love you, Alan.

Are you sure you're OK?

-Joycey.

-Hi!

Hey, what time are you going off for dinner with Maureen?

-I don't know.

-Everything all right?

Yeah. Oh, good, yeah, yeah. All's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maureen's really looking forward to it.

Have I got something on my neck there?

No, I can't see anything.

-COSTUME SQUEAKS

-Argh!

-Sorry!

Trevor? Is the circus in town?

I'm doing the Rotary Club thing over at the church hall -

it was Alan's suggestion.

-Don't drag me into it.

-I thought you were helping Carol?

It's complicated, John.

I'm the star turn over there - I can't just abandon them!

So, you're cheating on Carol with the Rotary Club?

Technically it's not the Rotary Club I'm cheating with,

it's the children.

COSTUME SQUEAKS

Well, you look a bit flustered. Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, fine! Hot flush.

We need to talk about Mick.

What about him? What do you mean? Why?

We think he could be depressed.

He's been cutting all his ties to Spain.

He's even put his camper van on eBay.

He could be suicidal.

Rubbish. There's nothing wrong with him.

Joyce, when you're depressed, you don't think straight.

He might do anything.

I've been to therapy - I know how it works.

Yeah, and I've had a hysterectomy,

but you wouldn't want me taking your appendix out, would you?

We've asked him to come over because we don't think he should be alone.

-You can't do that.

-Why not?

-Because.

-Because what?

Because he just kissed me!

See? He's not thinking straight any more.

That came out wrong, but you do know what I mean.

THUNDER RUMBLES

WHISPERING: That's him.

Now, be calm with him, Alan.

You're in the right. He has to give way.

I can do this myself. Why don't you go back to Maureen?

I'm not going to abandon you in your hour of need.

-You don't want to go back, do you?

-Not really, no.

Right.

Ah, hi, Ryan. I wonder if I might have a word?

Not now, Alvin, I'm with the family. You can see that, can't you?

Yeah, actually, it's Alan.

Hey, Connor, don't leave your rubbish on the floor.

Get Uncle Alvin to put in the bin.

Er, about the exchange we had earlier.

I just want to say I'm sorry, and it won't happen again.

-Are you asking for your job back?

-Yeah.

-Why?

-I like the job.

No, you don't.

You're the basket man. Nobody likes being the basket man.

Yeah, you're right, basket man's the lowest of the low.

A chimp could do it.

Yeah, you're right, I'm a chimp,

but sometimes chimps need jobs,

especially now they're not making those tea commercials any more.

This man was very rude to Daddy earlier.

Do you think it's OK to be rude to people?

Ooh.

Do you think Daddy should give him his job back?

Hmm.

Connor says you're still fired.

Come on, Connor.

Maybe it was just an innocent peck on the cheek that slipped.

It wasn't an innocent peck on the cheek -

he had his tongue down my throat!

Oh, hi, Doris. How are you, my love?

All fits in - emotional trauma, depression, irrational behaviour.

He's going to off himself, Joyce.

I know this requires a massive stretch of the imagination,

but isn't it possible he jumped on me without being suicidal?

I mean, he's always been a bit handy, hasn't he?

What's so strange about it?

Am I some sort of troll that men can't bear to touch?

Of course not, but you would think he'd try it on with me first.

-WHISPERING:

-He's here.

-Oh, my God, this is so exciting!

But also worrying.

But mainly exciting!

Look, just be casual, OK? Don't make a big thing of it.

-Hi, Mick!

-All right?

Yeah, whatever.

-Hi.

-Have you been drinking?

-A bit.

Oh, that makes it easier to understand.

I'm still here.

I got your message, Carol.

Thing is, I wanted to come down anyway.

Thanks, Joyce, for earlier on - made me feel much better.

-Listen...

-You've done a lot for me.

I haven't done anything. Stop saying I'm doing things.

But the thing is, I've got unfinished business,

things I've got to sort out with Alan.

There's nothing to sort out.

I owe it to him, after all these years we've known each other.

-Where are you going?

-WHISPERING:

-He can't tell Alan!

I'm sure he'll understand that it was a mistake, and he will move on.

No red-blooded male's going to move on from this kind of thing!

I thought we were talking about Alan?

-Maybe it's just what you needed, Joyce.

-What?

When was the last time Alan kissed you on the spur of the moment?

-On the what?

-When did you last kiss him with tongues?

August 2012.

Mo Farah had just won the 5,000m, and he was quite excited.

What did he do for the 10,000?

-GASPING:

-Now Alan's here too! Oh, this is so amazing!

Sorry, Joyce, but it is amazing.

-It didn't work.

-Oh, well, you'll just have to go home, then.

I thought you wanted me to get my job back?

I'm not bothered about your job, Alan.

You're only handing out baskets at a garden centre -

you're not brokering a Middle East peace deal.

Can we borrow you? There's been an accident.

Oh...

HE CLEARS THROAT

-What are you doing?

-Lucky there was a doctor on site.

You haven't even got first aid.

I have got my Girl Guides badge. How difficult can it be?

Of course, your Guide badge - I forgot about that.

Mind you, the way the staffing levels are in the NHS,

you'll probably get in with that... What are you doing?!

It's only a sprained ankle, but it's given me a boost, John.

I don't do anything useful.

Normally, I just sit around all day.

Being a doctor is a very important job.

Yes, it is, Maureen.

That's why we leave it to real doctors.

You are embarrassing me in front of my patient.

Hi, Christine. SHE TOOTS HORN

Alan, er, I've been a bit hasty.

-I've been talking to your mate here...

-Have you?

..seeing it from someone else's perspective, another customer.

I had a think about it,

and I realised maybe I've been a bit...rough on you.

Maybe a bit.

It's not just you - I do it to everybody, however old they are,

so there's no age discrimination angle here at all,

in case you're thinking of the legal side of things.

I wasn't. Until now.

I know it's difficult for you, taking orders off someone like me.

This is how I deal with it.

Er, by being a dick.

See you on Monday.

Come on, Connor.

That's amazing.

See? People are basically decent human beings deep down.

What did you say to him?

I told him I was an expat living on the Costa in Spain,

and if he didn't give you your job back,

I'd put out a contract on him.

Alan!

GLASS SMASHES

What do you think you're playing at?

Well, there doesn't seem to be any swelling.

I'm just wondering what to do next.

-Oh, here's Carol.

-I don't want to play any more.

What happened? Do you need a doctor?

There's one here.

Well, technically, I'm not a real doctor.

It's complicated. I am a real plumber, though.

-Hi, love.

-Hi.

-How's it going?

Fine.

Feels like it's gone well. Lots of happy people.

Yeah, I think so.

You know, this morning, I was a bit disappointed

that I wasn't going to be able to do the Rotary Club event,

but being here for you, making that little sacrifice,

has made me realise what's really important.

I'm wearing a wig, aren't I?

HORN HONKS

Why did you have to do that? You could see his car was there.

-Bit crazy, Joyce.

-Exactly.

Acting like a crazy woman.

-Yeah, can we just go home?

-I need to say something to Alan first.

-No, you don't.

-I do.

-No. No, you don't!

-Al, me and Joyce...

We had a kiss.

-What?

-Earlier on.

It was nothing, but we just had a kiss.

Well, I felt sorry for him, and he took advantage of me.

That's what he was going to tell you.

-No, I wasn't.

-What?

I was just going to say we ordered a curry.

-You all right with chicken biryani?

-No, you weren't!

-I don't know what you're on about, Joyce.

-The kiss.

I kissed you goodbye. I always kiss you goodbye.

And also, I've decided it's time for me to push on.

Aw, you can't leave yet.

Not right away - after the curry.

Hello? What about me?

-Hey, thanks for sorting Ryan out.

-No worries.

I shouldn't have told you to stand up to him in the first place.

Principles are for people who live in camper vans -

they can afford to move on when things go wrong.

Yeah, talking about camper vans,

that's exactly where he got off with me!

I'm going to say goodbye to the girls.

-Whenever you want to come back...

-It might not be for a while, Alan.

I've decided to sell the van,

settle down for a bit, maybe get a job,

take a leaf out of your book.

Hello?!

-What time's the table booked for?

-Eight.

-Plenty of time.

-Oh, yeah.

You going to try the seafood risotto?

-I don't think so.

-Me neither.

So, how did you get on, with the...?

-I don't want to talk about it.

-Gotcha.

He used his tongue! Why won't anyone believe me?

I believe you, Joyce.

You know, I told you, you're still desirable.

I'm not making it up.

He got off with me - massively - in his van!

I know he did, love. I know he did.

I'm glad Mick's sorted himself out.

Mm, so am I.

It's interesting when he comes to visit,

-but you wouldn't want him around all the time.

-No.

FOXY LADY PLAYS LOUDLY OUTSIDE

What is it?

Alan?

Alan?

What is it, Alan?

# Foxy lady!

# Foxy!

# Foxy!

# Now, I see you

# On down on a scene

# Foxy lady. #