Naming Ceremony Boomers

It's not about being a man wanting to sit in the front, Carol,

it's about me being three feet taller.

I get car sick if I read in the back.

Well, don't read. How far is it to this christening?

-Hour and a half.

-Great.

-And it's not a christening, it's a naming ceremony.

-Even better.

I've got to read. I've joined this online creative writing course.

-I'm just working on something.

-Why don't you read us some? Go on!

-No, I couldn't do that!

-Oh, go on!

-No!

She doesn't want to, Maureen, don't force her.

Although my tutor is encouraging the class to seek out friends'

opinions to help us develop creatively.

It all sounds very exciting, what is it?

It's an erotic novel.

Although if she wants to read it, then perhaps

we could all learn something.

Chapter One - Faint Stirrings.

Anyone want anything from the shop?

Ear plugs.

The sun burned a blazing orange as its rays spread out over

the Norfolk coast.

It was morning in Norfolk.

MUSIC: The Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson & the Miracles.

# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Now if there's a smile on my face

# It's only there trying to fool the public

# But when it comes down to fooling you

# Now honey that's quite a different subject

# But don't let my glad expression... #

All I'm saying is, she's our granddaughter

and we never get to see her.

There's more pictures of Bigfoot than there are of me and that baby.

Why are you wearing that jacket? You've got so many nice ones.

A lot of my friends warned me this would happen

- their daughters-in-laws are all the same - control freaks.

Do you know what it's like dealing with people like that?

It must be difficult.

Plus, Lee's got his new job.

I don't think he's happy there, Alan. He's not been himself.

She's forced him into it for the money.

They've always got her mum and dad to tap up.

Vaughan and Sally are loaded.

I wouldn't say they were loaded, just cos they've got a big house.

-They've got a boat.

-Lots of people have got boats.

With a staircase?

We should talk to Lee, ask them if they need anything.

We can't afford it.

It doesn't have to be much, just a gesture.

Money's always short when you've got little ones.

Remember us when we were starting out?

Remember us now?

-I'm going to talk to Lee.

-No. No, I'll talk to him.

Don't be silly, you can't talk to him, Alan.

You two never communicate.

We talk all the time.

About football.

That's still talking.

CAR HORN BEEPS

-Not a bad little run-around is she, John?

-The car or Carol?

Because that book she's writing is pretty racy

if chapter three's anything to go by.

I know! Even Matthias never did anything like that with me.

-Who's Matthias?

-My German exchange student at school.

I must have told you about him.

-No.

-Shall I help her?

Oh, I had to put the child locks on.

Carol was making loom bands on the door handles last week

and nearly pulled it open on the A402.

Just press the button on the handle, love! The red button!

That's it!

Oh, are you all right?

I'm fine!

Hi!

-You look lovely, Joyce, very grandma.

-Oh, thank you.

Very granny.

Yeah.

Very granny-gran-gran.

Yeah, all right, Maureen.

So exciting for you and Alan.

Your first grandchild being christened.

It's a naming ceremony, Carol, not a christening.

I'm all for experiencing new things.

-You weren't enjoying Carol's book very much.

-That's not true.

-You had the radio on all the way.

-Music relaxes me when I'm driving.

-It wasn't tuned in.

-Why can't they just have a christening in a church

so we all know where we are?

You're suddenly religious, are you?

You don't have to be religious to have a christening.

That's the whole point of being a Christian - you don't

-have to believe in anything.

-Still you get to hold the baby.

If Suze lets me get within ten feet of her, yes.

You'll see plenty of her today, I'm sure.

I will, because today's going to be different.

I'm putting my foot down and I'm asserting my rights.

I'm giving Scarlet our family heirlooms.

MUSIC: Valerie by The Zutons.

It's a wishing tree.

So what you do is, you write your wish for Scarlet on the tag

and then you attach it to the tree.

Oh, that's lovely. Isn't that lovely, Joyce?

-Hello, Letty!

-Scarlet!

-I always call her Letty!

Even though her name's Scarlet.

We haven't missed the photos, have we?

-No, we're going to do some later.

-All together?

Of course, the whole family!

Stop worrying, Joyce, you're not going to miss anything!

Grandmothers give us memories, don't they, Scarlet?

Alan!

Suze, we wanted to give you this for Scarlet.

It's Alan's christening dress.

-I was smaller back then.

-Lee wore it too.

I thought it would be nice to pass something down through the family.

Shall I hold Scarlet?

Hi, Mum!

-Oh, she has got gran's eyes, hasn't she Suze?

-Yeah.

I can see a lot of Lee in her.

You can see Alan's side of the family round the nose.

Can you?

I can, Alan, yes.

We weren't expecting presents,

we hoped people would donate to the charity we put on the invites.

Oh, you've done that, too, haven't you, Alan?

Yes, well, anyway, this is just a little something extra really.

It has been professionally dry cleaned since Lee wore it.

You can't see the blood now.

Alan got a nose bleed renouncing the devil at Lee's christening.

And this is a locket that belonged to my grandmother.

And there's space inside for a picture of someone special.

Maybe someone in the family.

Thanks for this, but, Joyce, I did explain,

today is a naming day, not a christening.

Be a shame not to use it, though, wouldn't it?

Shall I pop her in it?

No, Joyce, not to worry. Mum and dad had a naming gown

especially handmade for Scarlet in France!

Actually, I should take Scarlet for her nap,

so she doesn't get testy later.

She's so like you, Joyce.

My course tutor gave me an A for my last piece.

I had to imagine I was an item of household furniture.

I was a Welsh dresser. Did you read it?

-It's on my iPad.

-This is very sturdy, isn't it?

You've not really engaged with my writing have you, Trevor?

-I am, I have, I think it's nice.

-Nice?

That's what you say when I tell you I'm writing an erotic novel?

Well, no-one's ever said that to me before,

I don't know what the correct response is. Ole?

-You're not embarrassed about it, are you?

-No, of course I'm not.

Because, you know, I'm trying to express myself more now.

I know you are.

Part of our therapy is to explore our individuality jointly.

Exactly. I love jointly exploring things, it's just...

What is it?

You know you can talk to me about anything that's bothering you.

I just don't know how good it is.

OK.

You said I could say anything.

I didn't mean it!

OK, well, you can see how confusing that might be?

-Are you saying I'm embarrassing you, is that it?

-No, of course not!

I'm just not sure who's going to be interested in a book

based on our sex lives.

Who said it was about our sex life?

I read chapter five.

Threw them back in my face. In my face!

We're the poor relations. They're cutting us off.

Did you talk to him yet?

I haven't had a chance.

He's your son! You've got to talk to him.

-In a minute.

-Talk to him Alan, now!

You've got to bond with him otherwise we'll lose them all!

-Did you see the match on...

-Not about football!

How's it going?

We need the lights for this evening, but I can't get them to work.

I don't understand Vaughan's electrics.

Dad'll help you.

Have you tried the ring main?

Yeah. I think so. What's the ring main?

Come on.

MUSIC: Don't Get Me Wrong by The Pretenders.

You going to ask Vaughan about joining his sailing club?

Yeah, but I don't think we should be using their christening as a way to

schmooze our way into a boat club.

It's not "a" boat club. It's The Royal Anglia.

You've been trying to get in there for years.

All you have to do is play up our connections a bit.

What connections? We hardly know them.

Alan and Joyce are practically family.

Their Lee was like a son to me.

No, he wasn't. You called him Len till he was 12!

What harm can it do to ask?

But do we really want to join that kind of club?

-Are they our kind of people?

-What do you mean?

All those refined, upmarket types.

-People like me, you mean?

-I'll go and find him.

# Don't get me wrong

# If I'm acting so... #

Oh, hello, beautiful! She's so beautiful, isn't she?

-We couldn't be more proud.

-Neither could we.

Even though we've got four others already!

-Four! Oh, you are lucky!

-I know!

You won't be able to spend much time with this one,

-then, will you?

-Of course we will!

-No, you won't!

-I think we will!

You don't want to spread yourself too thin, Sally.

Why don't you give her to me for a bit?

I was going to put her down for her nap.

She can stay up for a bit longer, it's her special day!

She doesn't need to go down! Hello, gorgeous!

Yeah, I think I'd better get her inside.

Letty! Letty!

This your first naming ceremony, Vaughan?

Yep, Suze and Lee were adamant they didn't want a church ceremony.

I have to say we supported them.

I don't like organised religion either. I'm an atheist, thank God!

Wouldn't be seen dead in a church, me.

Well, eventually I suppose.

I'd rather be buried at sea, that's where I feel at home.

-You're a sailing man, John?

-Aye-aye, skipper.

-Me, too.

-No way!

-Are you a member anywhere?

Funny you should ask.

-I'm actually in between clubs at the moment.

-Thank you.

Can you see all right?

-Yep.

-Good.

-Suze OK?

-Yeah, great.

-Great.

-And Scarlet?

-Great, yeah.

Great. And, er, what about the job?

-What about it?

-Is that great?

-It's all right.

-Great.

Do you think we'll get a left back before the transfer deadline?

-I hope so. We need one.

-We do need one, don't we?

You grabbing a bit of cuddle time?

Yeah, trying to avoid Lee's mum. She's a bit full-on!

Oh, she's completely mental. Around babies, I mean. In a good way.

Not in a snatch them out of hospital and bring them up

as your own kind of way.

So Trevor tells me you work part-time at a hospice?

That must be very rewarding.

People check in, they die, they check in, they die.

-It can get a bit samey.

-Mmm.

That's office work for you, though, isn't it?

Actually, I'm doing an online writing course.

I'm writing a novel.

-Oh, that's fascinating!

-Nobody else seems very interested.

I'm interested.

I know a lot of people who are into self-publishing.

Really?

Oh, what's up, little one?

Poor thing! So how do you self-publish, then?

-Well, what you have to do is...

-BABY GROANS

Oh, you really are cross about something, aren't you?

She's fine, just put her down for a minute.

Is it online publishing?

-Shall I feed her?

-Perfect!

-Thought I'd lost you there for a minute!

-So did I.

We were just talking, Joyce.

I was about to feed her, Joyce.

I can do that, Suze, if you want to mingle.

That's OK, Joyce, you enjoy your wine, Mum can take her.

She doesn't drink around children.

Sally's coming for a little chat with me, aren't you, Sally?

I'll do it, then.

What about the family photos? When we having them?

We've already done them.

We were looking for you but we couldn't find you anywhere.

I'm not sure you're meant to fiddle with that bit.

They tell you that because they don't want you to fix it yourself.

They say the same thing about washing machines and dishwashers.

I just ignore it.

Didn't you electrocute yourself fixing your dishwasher?

No, I electrocuted your mother. All done.

Family pulls together in crisis, nails it.

-That was fun.

-Yeah.

Listen, I wanted to talk to you, you know, before about, you know,

jobs and whatnot.

Right, sure.

Are you...?

Do you...?

I mean, how are you feeling?

SWITCH FLICKS

You can tell me later.

-It's no problem at all, I'll propose you.

-That's very kind.

-We're always looking for new meat.

-Maureen will be pleased.

-Is that Maureen over there?

-Yeah, she loves to meet new people.

-She likes to meet new people?

-Oh, yes. Our kind of people,

-if you know what I mean.

-I think I do, John.

Does she like getting her hands dirty on deck?

She's not a huge sailor but she'll certainly join in.

-She'll be able to cope with a few swinging booms?

-I expect so!

So you think that Sally and I are your type of people, John?

I do, Vaughan. I really do.

How could you blow the fuse?

I thought you were going to get someone round!

-We didn't think it looked that complicated.

-Who's we?

-Me and Dad.

-How are we going to heat up the food?

I still haven't fed Scarlet. How am I going to heat up her frozen puree?

Now I'm going to have to get my breasts out

and feed her during the ceremony to keep her quiet.

She's going to have to get her breasts out, Alan.

That's where you've got us to.

-Sorry.

-We need ice.

Oh, do you put ice on them first? That's a good idea!

We never used to do that in our day.

For the drinks and milk, to keep it all cold!

-And some soya formula milk.

-I'll go.

-You'll get the wrong thing.

I'll go, you tell them to hold off on the ceremony for ten minutes.

-Mum can look after Scarlet.

-I'll look after her.

-Where's Mum?

Please. Trust me. I have done it before.

BABY CRIES

The thing about boats, John, is that one gets so used to handling

ones own vessel, there are no surprises left any more.

Running your fingers over that all too familiar bow with its...

Clapped-out rigging, sagging boom?

I miss the feeling of tussling with a new vessel, John, taming it,

working out how to make it perform to its optimum potential.

Maybe I could handle yours and you could handle mine, John?

Yeah... What do you mean?

Top up?

Oh, my God.

-You asked him yet?

-Er, no, not yet.

-Why not?

-I'm just waiting for the right moment.

-I'll ask him.

-No, no, no, I'll do it.

-Maureen! Maureen!

-Nice party.

-It's going well.

-Carol's loving it.

-Is that Carol over there?

-Yep.

-Do you and Carol sail?

No. I wish she was more interested in conventional pastimes.

-Is she a bit of a non-conformist?

-Very much so. She's writing a novel

-and it's a little bit racy.

-Oh, that's interesting.

-Vaughan.

-John! Have you decided yet?

Well, I've got a couple of questions.

Fire away, mate. John's joining our sailing club.

-I'm thinking about it.

-Dipping his toe in the water.

-Just my toe.

-That's all you need...

-Good.

-..for now.

Oh, Dawn, another splash of vino?

I've just been telling Vaughan about Carol's novel.

I wouldn't if I were you.

I mean, I try to be supportive but sometimes she goes beyond normal.

You know what I mean by "beyond normal"?

-Yeah, I think I do.

-Probably don't need to go into it now though, eh?

I just find it hard to go along with some of the things Carol

wants to do.

Marriage is about indulging our partner's fantasies though,

-isn't it?

-Yes, it is.

You've got to keep each other's dreams alive, Trevor.

We may not share our partner's passions.

As long as our passion for our partner isn't diminished.

Excuse me, I've got to circulate.

Oh, you go ahead. A host has to spread himself around!

I do my best.

This feels like kidnapping.

Rubbish, Joyce, she's your granddaughter,

you're entitled to some quality time with her.

I am, aren't I?

And your family needs photos of you with the baby.

They do, they're always asking for them.

Perfect!

I just want her to grow up knowing about her family and the history

and knowing that she's part of that history, even if

her mum doesn't want her to be.

-Do you want a cuddle?

-Aw!

-With Scarlet.

-Oh, course I do!

Wasn't there another jewel on the front of that thing?

Oh, no! I can't see it.

-Oh, my God.

-What?

-It's up her nose.

Trev, this is purely hypothetical, but what would you say

if someone wanted to share something very important to you?

Such as?

Something very personal. Something you really care about.

-You talking about garden tools?

-No.

-You're not after my leaf-blower again, are you?

-It doesn't matter.

-I told you, if you want it, you just have to ask.

-Forget it, Trev.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-You should carry on with your book.

-What?

I don't want to be the person who stifles your dreams.

-That's your course tutor's job.

-I'm so glad you said that.

-Are you?

-Yes, because I've decided to publish it!

-Great! What do you mean?

-I'm going to self-publish it online!

Online? But the whole world would see it!

I know, isn't it amazing?

And you don't have to worry about the cost.

We're going to crowd-source it!

-What's happening? Can you reach it?

-I'm trying to.

Is it still there? Have you got it?

Yeah, I got it five minutes ago, Maureen, I'm just

looking for the engagement ring I lost on Camber Sands in 1982!

-Al, you got a minute?

-What is it?

Shoot me down in flames if you want,

but what is your thinking on being with other people?

How do you mean, being with other people?

I mean, would you and Joyce ever consider sharing intimate

moments with another couple?

I don't think so. We don't get many to begin with,

-I don't want to start handing them out willy-nilly.

-I'm serious!

Vaughan wants to join his sailing club, but he's into mix and match.

-What?

-He is!

Just goes to show you, doesn't it? You never know about people.

Dreadful. He's really gone down in my estimation.

-I wonder why he's never asked me?

-What do I do?

You can't do it, John! It's perverted. It's disgusting.

-It's free mooring.

-John.

Maureen wants me to join! She's desperate.

-Not that desperate, surely?

-I'm not going to do it, obviously,

but what if I just play along until we're in?

You can't lie about it.

You pretended to be Catholic to get Lee into that school.

Didn't do him any good, though.

You said I should follow my dreams!

Yes, follow normal dreams! Follow your dreams if they're normal!

Owning a beach hut is a normal dream. Publishing your husband's

-details on your Facebook group is not!

-Nobody's going to know.

Everybody knows those books are based on personal experiences.

-No, they don't.

-Everybody knows!

-No, they don't!

-Dawn, this is Carol. And this is Trevor!

-THE Trevor?

# If you want my body and you think I'm sexy

# Come on sugar let me know

# If you really need me... #

-John! You all right?

-Yep. I'm good.

-Don't worry, mate.

-Your membership, it's all sorted, you're in.

-Great! The thing is...

-Damn. Maureen doesn't want to join?

-Well...

-She does want to join?

-In principle, but...

Look, John, a lot of people can be a bit parochial or small-minded about

things like this, but I could tell you're not small minded, are you?

-I voted Lib Dem at the last council elections.

-Well, there you go.

But I think we ought to read the membership forms

properly before we...

-Oh, you don't want to bother with formalities like that.

-Don't we?

Look at Sally. She's always had an athletic build.

You might not know it, but you can crack a walnut between those thighs.

I bet she comes in handy at Christmas!

Listen, Vaughan, we should clear something up.

-Do you smoke, John?

-Not any more.

-I'm not talking about cigarettes.

Step into my office.

Shut the door, you'll let the women in!

Don't worry. Mark had a marble stuck up his nose for a week once.

I'm not leaving it in there, it's a family heirloom.

-Got it!

-Well done!

-Sorry, Letty.

It's all right, it's not your fault.

It is my fault!

You know if you're worried about not spending enough time with

Scarlet, you should tell Suze. She's very nice, she'll understand.

-You just have to be honest with her.

-I know. I will, I promise.

-Joyce? You in there with Scarlet?

-Lie! Lie! Lie!

-Joyce? We're ready to start.

-We're just changing her!

The door's locked.

Just looking for the key! Where's the key, Maureen?

It's in the... I don't know!

She's been introducing us saying this is Trevor,

he's the inspiration behind the main sexual protagonist in the novel.

-Good for you.

-I don't think people want to talk about that stuff.

-Don't, then.

-And I certainly don't know who's going to be

interested in a book about our sex lives.

Nobody! Nobody's interested, Trevor.

Vaughan, about the sailing thing...

You need to loosen up, Trevor, throw caution to the wind.

Carol and I have never really been throwing caution to the winds

kind of people.

It's all new territory for us. Oh, no, thanks.

It'll help settle your nerves. It's herbal.

I get it off my guy in Harley Street

to alleviate my chronic back pain.

-You suffering from any chronic long-term pain, Trevor?

-No.

What about Carol?

Oh, I don't really think of her in those terms.

I mean, we've had our differences, but... Oh, I see.

MUSIC: "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane

It's not under the bed.

She's going to miss her own naming ceremony!

These blinds are lovely, Suze.

Joyce!

Did your mum have them specially made?

Oh, here's the key.

Here she is, all ready for Mum!

She looks great. Was she OK with you?

-Yeah, she was fine!

-You have to be careful,

she's going through a phase of putting things up her nose!

But I suppose you've seen it all before, haven't you?

Don't you worry, Suze, you're doing a great job with her.

Thanks, Joyce. Granny Joyce.

Granny-gran-gran.

Hang on, there's another one missing.

Must be on the floor.

Joyce?

Coming!

# One pill makes you larger and one pill makes you small... #

This house is so small, or maybe I'm growing!

Do tiny people use this house, Alan?

-Yes, Trevor. They're called children.

-Alan.

Vaughan. Have you got a minute?

I've pretty much sorted out the fuse box but I just need a someone to...

-Fix it for you?

-That's it.

I'd give you a hand but I'm not very practical.

I'm more of an ideas man.

I'm trying to talk to Vaughan, Alan.

Why didn't you come and ask us earlier?

-We'd have helped you straight away.

-I know, but...

Because we love you.

-We'll talk later John, yeah?

-I don't think so.

See, me and Maureen aren't really your kind of people, Vaughan.

Call me old-fashioned, but we like to man our own vessels.

That's very disappointing, John.

I thought you were a man of wider vision.

I'm afraid not. We don't swing on other people's booms.

We don't splice other people's mainbraces and we certainly aren't

having a four-way with odds and sods from the Royal Anglian Yacht Club!

You haven't seen my dad anywhere, have you?

Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please take your seats?

MUSIC: Give Me Love by George Harrison

BOTH: We promise to be honest but not to criticise.

We promise to encourage but not to push.

Amen!

-Nice ceremony.

-Yeah.

-We're not joining the boat club.

-Why not?

I think it's beneath us.

You always said that underneath everyone was the same.

They probably are, but I don't really want to find out.

-But it might be nice to...

-He wanted to do things with you!

-Did he?

-That was the joining fee.

Bit cheeky. What did you say?

I said absolutely not, straight away!

I know there's a ten-year waiting list at the yacht club - but one,

men can't make those decisions,

treating women like property to be swapped, and two, she's not my type.

But mainly one.

Thanks for defending my honour!

Well, it was a no-brainer to begin with.

I mean you wouldn't be interested in him, would you?

You want me to say no, right?

Are you all right?

Mmm. I'm good.

This is my wife, Carol. She's writing a sex manual.

-It's not a manual.

-Memoir, sorry! I was thinking of Haynes manuals.

I thought you didn't want to talk about it?

Look, darling, I'm not some acrobatic porn star.

-Trevor!

-No, really, I'm not!

I think we should be listening to the ceremony.

But I will continue to support you in whatever hobbies you choose to

embarrass me with.

-Thank you?

-Because at the end of the day...

Something's important, what is it?

Oh, yeah, at the end of the day, what really cements a marriage,

what really makes it work is...

Popcorn.

You meet some strange people at these things, don't you?

-How did you fix the electrics?

-Just taped the trip switch down.

Don't know why we didn't think about it before. How did it go with Suze?

-All right, I think.

-Don't you want to take a photo? For Facebook?

No. I've already got some.

Joyce, this just came out of Scarlet's nose.

It's some sort of glass bead?

Oh! That's where the other one went...

-What were you doing?

-I just wanted a photo.

I think you might have overloaded that, mate.

-We know what we're doing.

-How could you do that to her?

-We got the other one out!

-How can I trust you again?

I promise, that is the last time we'll ever let you down.

Did Mum tell you we're going to give you some money?

-John.

-We're staying for a drink.

Vaughan's going to give us a lift back in the morning.

He's going to give me a sailing lesson.

Oh, you better drive back!

Careful cos it overheats if you go into fifth.

Looks like Carol's going to get her last chapter.

And Trevor's going to get his first.

# We are sailing

# We are sailing

# Home again 'cross the sea

# We are sailing

# Stormy waters

# To be near you, to be free... #