Matt & Seb Boomers

This programme contains some strong language.

That's not mine. This isn't mine!

Hi, it's Alan, isn't it?

-No, what?

-Matt, Seb, just moved in down the road.

I like that cupboard.

What, this, it's just some old rubbish I'm clearing out the loft.

That's really nice, you could upcycle that. Zhush it a bit.

We are not big zhushers.

We're having a house-warming party on Saturday

-and we wondered if you'd like to come.

-Um...

We'd love to come, Matt. Hi, Seb!

Hiya.

-Great, well we'll see you there, any time after six.

-Bye.

-Bye-bye.

We can't turn down their invitation, Alan,

they'll think we're narrow-minded.

I mean, can you believe the cheek of some people?

-We don't want people thinking badly of us.

-We paid for this skip!

-Although sometimes it can't be helped.

-This is our space!

-Get your own!

-Alan!

It's all right, no-one saw me.

MUSIC: The Tears Of A Clown by Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Now if there's a smile on my face

# It's only there trying to fool the public

# But when it comes down to fooling you

# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject

# But don't let my... #

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi, Alan.

-Seb's an architect.

-Have you been googling people again?

No, I've been asking around, talking to people,

-maybe he can do us a deal on our loft conversion.

-That won't work.

-Why not?

-I've told John he can do it.

-No, Alan.

John's a plumber, Seb's an architect, it's perfect.

He can do our loft, plus we get to know them better.

Welcome them into the local community.

Why do we both have to go?

Because I just want one set of neighbours that we can talk to

and get on with. You've fallen out with everyone else.

If you're not shouting at them from your skip, your annoying them

with anti-parking bollards in the street or shoving notes

through the letterbox about their overhanging hedges.

-Why can't you just be nice?

-I tried nice once, didn't like it.

I'm entering them into the library art competition.

The art therapy's going really well.

I start off very tense and stressy but by the end of each session

I'm really tuned in to my creative unconscious.

-So these are, like, before and after?

-That's it.

Which is which?

I'm creating more to deal with my frustrations.

Tonight, me and Trevor

are coming to the end of a period of sexual Lent.

You what, love?

We haven't had physical relations for a month.

-We called it sexual Lent.

-We just called it September.

Anyway, you two looking forward to the party tonight?

Yeah, we never get to do anything different.

It's always one of John's functions.

The sailing club, the Rotary club, any of his other bloody clubs.

I feel invisible sometimes, hung on his arm,

just a sad but dazzling piece of eye candy.

It is a gay party, isn't it?

-Well, they are gay but I don't think it's a gay party.

-Gays love me.

Back when I met John, all my male friends were gay.

Made his job easier.

We had a gay couple lived next door to us in Chorleywood when we

first got married, Devon and Peter, they took me under their wing.

We went to all the gay clubs.

I think Seb and Matt are quite domesticated.

Devon had this pair of gold lame pants.

He used to put them on sometimes for a laugh.

Knock on our door asking for a bit of sugar. John was terrified of him.

-Maureen...

-It is ages since I have been to a proper gay party.

-I don't think it's that kind of party.

-It will be once I get there.

Look, I...I don't know how to say this but I think you might

-come across as a bit of... a bit of a...

-A bit of a what?

A tiny bit of a cling-on where gay men are concerned.

I don't understand.

Well, I...I'm trying to think of how to describe it in a sensitive way.

-She means you're a fag hag, Maureen.

-Or we could just say that.

-You know, like Lady Gaga.

-I do know what a fag hag is, Carol.

I'm not that over-the-top, am I?

You're on YouTube. Skip-rage man.

'This is our space! Get your own!'

Maureen's mate got sent it on the Thurnemouth Facebook group.

Have people got nothing better to do than to film their neighbours?

Not in Thurnemouth, no.

Carol and I were going to have a quiet night in,

we were going to watch an episode of Countryfile on iPlayer.

We've got three to choose from in the bank.

Wow, when you have a quiet night in, Trevor, you have a quite night in.

Are you coming?

No, Maureen usually embarrasses herself at these kind of things.

She sees a gay man, she attaches herself

like a barnacle to the side of a boat.

Come on, one night's not going to kill you.

She goes insane, Alan, you've only got to play the right song

and bang, she's on the table, the shoes are off - it's carnage.

I hear one of them is an architect. You should get him to do your loft.

-No need. Me and Alan are doing it, aren't we?

-Yeah.

-You look very nice.

-Thank you, my love, and so do you.

-Thank you.

-Making me proud, as usual.

-Oh.

You're not going to jump up on any tables, are you?

I've already been told.

Matt and Seb seem like a lovely couple.

They're so lovely. Nice, ordinary, down-to-earth people.

That's what we've got to do tonight,

convince them that we are nice, ordinary, down-to-earth people.

You and Trevor aren't planning to stay that long, are you?

We're going in very early, aren't we?

Well, you want to get away as soon as possible, don't you?

-What are you talking about?

-Carol told Maureen.

She might as well be selling tickets.

I'm trying not to think about it. It's causing me some anxiety.

-You mean like...

-I don't want to talk about it.

All I'll say to you, John, is that expectations have built up.

I understand. Not another word on this matter will pass my lips.

Thank you.

What was that all about?

-Trevor's having performance anxiety.

-Oh, dear.

Well, him and Carol haven't been with each other for over two months,

-that's a long time to go without, isn't it?

-Is it?

-Oh, yeah.

-Do you know, I heard it once?

-Heard what?

-Trevor's sex noise.

-His sex noise?

-Yeah.

-How did you hear that?

Well, remember our Mark's wedding?

The first one at the Stoke Ramada Inn?

-We were a bit pissed and we went up to the room.

-Oh, my God.

-And realised that Trevor and Carol were in the room next door.

-Oh.

-I could hear everything.

-Thin walls?

Well, I had to put a glass to it, obviously.

-But, oh, it's a terrible sound, Trevor's sex noise.

-I can imagine.

-Like a monkey crying.

-Yeah, enough, I get it.

And once you've heard it, you can't unhear it.

-I better watch myself in there.

-You what?

Well, there'll be a few single blokes.

-I don't think it's that kind of a party.

-They're a gay couple, Alan.

A happily married gay couple.

I don't care if they are happily married,

you've still got to keep half an eye open.

What, you think they might try and turn you?

I am the most attractive, I can't help it.

I'm like catnip to gay men.

Do you know, we once lived next door to two blokes in Chorleywood

and they were around all the time and Maureen, bless her,

thinks they came to see her.

I never had the heart to tell her it was me all along.

Hi!

You must be John, come in.

This is Becks.

This is our only concession to gay stereotyping.

Could you shut the door for me, so I can put him down?

If the door's left open, he runs off.

So I have to keep him locked in, like Seb.

Oh, my God, that dog is gorgeous.

And they called it Becks, that is so cute and gay.

I thought we talked about this?

I'm sorry, I forgot.

Do you like dogs?

I love dogs...

..but only big, butch ones.

-Well done.

-It's hard, Joyce.

-Be strong.

-Just dump your coats in the bedroom.

Oh, we better hang onto ours because we're not staying long.

Yeah, but we don't want to be rude, do we?

-You were right. You ARE the most attractive.

-Well hurry up, then.

-Are you being friendly?

-Joyce, I promise you, I'm being friendly.

-They're nice guys.

-That looks like my mum's bedside cupboard.

-What bedside cupboard?

-My mum's bedside cupboard.

The one my great-grandad brought back from the Great War.

The one that's been in the family for 100 years.

-Oh, that bedside cupboard?

-We should do that with ours.

-What?

-Well, give it a going over.

-Don't do that.

-Why not?

-It'll ruin it.

You don't know what you're talking about. I'm getting it down tomorrow.

-I think it's in the loft, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-I'm sure I saw it there.

-You did, because that's where it was

-and still is.

-Oh, I'm excited now, I love a project.

You didn't tell me this... that bedside cupboard was important.

-I've told you that before.

-No, you haven't.

Well, I can't remember everything. I'm not perfect, am I?

Is this a trick question?

I love the artwork. I do a bit of art myself.

I make screen-printed tea towels. We have a women's arts and crafts club.

Last week, Daisy and Margaret made a wire-mesh model of Lionel Messi.

-Wow.

-Yeah, you have to work hard to keep standards up.

If you don't, people will start to think

that women's regional craft workshops are just a joke.

We've got a lot of things still wrapped up in the garage.

-I'll have to show you later.

-Oh, that sounds amazing.

We can't stay too long though, can we, Trevor?

-We can stay for a bit.

-Can we?

-I thought you wanted to get back for that thing.

-What thing?

-You know.

That thing that you wanted to get back for.

We can see the pictures, Carol.

I would have thought this would be right up your alley.

A bit boring for you, though.

No, I love it. I think the male form is a beautiful thing.

I often wonder how things might have turned out

if I'd been exposed to more homosexuality at a younger age.

We'll never know now, of course,

but I think I might have taken to it had I been given the opportunity.

The thing is, we never really had the exposure, you see,

it wasn't really around back then. It's like the Internet.

The kids today are very comfortable with it

but our generation is always going to be playing catch up.

Anyone else want a top-up?

OK.

He's lovely, Trevor, isn't he?

You know, listening to you talking about art reminded me

-that we're thinking of having our loft done.

-Oh?

I was wondering if you'd like to pop over and have a look?

Oh, I'm really busy at the moment.

It's only a small roof, take you ten minutes.

Oh, I know but, really, I'm up to my eyes at the moment.

Oh, excuse me.

# What kind of pokery is this? #

They've got Joyce's cupboard.

You'll have to give me more than that.

Turns out it's a big deal, belonged to Joyce's grandmother.

They took it off my skip.

I thought it was people putting things on your skip

-that got you worked up?

-Well, this time, it's taking something off.

-Oh, you might need to make a new video.

-What do I do?

-Ask them where they got it.

-That's a bit awkward, isn't it?

Just slip it casually into the conversation.

Oh, yeah, yeah, casually.

So, what do you make of Thurnemouth?

Well, we love it. London was getting us down.

Yeah, that must have been tough,

so, that bedside cupboard of yours, it's nice, isn't it?

Yeah, it's lovely. We reclaim old furniture and do it up.

I mention it because we've got one just like it -

in fact, you noticed it the other day.

Yeah, that's what gave us the idea. But we got this one from a shop.

I thought you said it was reclaimed?

A reclaimed furniture shop.

-Oh, reclaimed furniture shop, eh?

-Yeah.

Reclaimed furniture.

Better go and circulate.

He's lying to my face.

-He saw me put it on the skip.

-You've got to get it back.

I can't do that. They'll miss it.

They're not going to come and accuse you,

having denied taking it off your skip in the first place.

Are they? Eh?

-He said, "No."

-What?

Seb said he wouldn't do our loft conversion.

What did you ask him that for?

I told you I was going to ask him.

-No, you didn't.

-He said he was too busy

but I know for a fact he's doing a quote for Terry and Clive.

Terry and Clive?

Yeah, you know, the couple that live in the big house on the seafront.

I thought I was doing your loft?

And these are spiced tofu with celeriac.

Can I help you with that? You look a bit under the cosh.

Oh, that's very kind of you.

I know you're busy and everything, so don't worry about the loft thing.

-Just whenever you've got a bit of time.

-Yeah, of course.

I know you've got a couple of others to do.

So we're happy just to be on the list somewhere.

-You're definitely on the list.

-Oh.

I mean, I can understand why you'd want to do Terry and Clive's loft

because they're...you know...

Gay?

-No.

-You think I'd do someone's loft conversion

-just because they're gay?

-No, not that, obviously.

Well, it's not the Masons, you know, we don't have a special handshake.

No, of course not.

There isn't some special website specifically for gay men

who like to do each other's loft conversions.

-Well, there is, actually!

-No...I-I didn't mean that.

We're...look, we're just so pleased that you've moved in.

-Get your quotas up?

-No, it's not about quotas.

It's about meeting different people.

-Not different...new.

-I understand.

-You're very pleased that we've moved in.

-Well, yeah...we've got lots...

-Lots of gay friends? Everybody says that.

-Yeah.

But I'm more in tune with diversity than most.

It's always been a passion of mine, you know,

equal rights, gay marriage, all that.

-You're in tune with the whole vibe?

-We are very serious about it.

-We have to be.

-You have to be?

Well, because of our...situation.

What situation is that?

With Alan.

What about Alan?

Well, you know...

-he's-he's gay.

-Your Alan?

-I know.

I couldn't believe it either.

I mean, you know, you read about people struggling

with their sexuality but, you never think it could be someone so close.

-How long have you known?

-Not long. He just came out with it.

Said he couldn't live the lie any longer.

Oh, my God, and you're still together?

I haven't stopped loving him, Seb.

No, of course not.

Must be difficult, though?

We're both on a journey.

# Under pressure. #

Trevor doesn't want to go home.

Performance pressure's probably getting to him.

Very frustrating for you, I'd have thought.

All right, ladies?

Seb been boring you with the artwork?

We like a bit of culture.

-Carol's an artist.

-I dabble.

Oh, got a bit of the bohemian spirit in you, have you?

Maybe you could show me the club scene up here.

I don't know much about clubbing. Do you, Maureen?

No, not really my kind of thing.

That's a shame. I bet the club scene was pretty wild

when you were in your pomp, back in the...'80s?

-'60s.

-'70s.

-'70s.

Bet there were guys with gold lame hot pants everywhere.

-Oh, my God!

-What?

That sounds dreadful.

You're so straight, Maureen.

I'm never going to keep this up.

I'm going to crack, Carol. I am, I'm going to crack.

-# You better think

-Think

# Think about what you're trying to do to me

-# Think

-Think, think

# Let your mind go, let yourself be free

# Let's go back, let's go back

# Let's go way back when

# I didn't even know you

# You couldn't have been too much more than ten

# I ain't no psychiatrist

# I ain't no doctor with degrees

# It don't take too much high IQ to see what you're doing to me

-# Oh, freedom

-Freedom

-# Freedom

-Freedom... #

That's not the bathroom.

-There's an en suite in there.

-Yes, there is, I saw that.

-Well, you can use that if you like.

-Oh, I don't want to.

I mean, I don't want use your en suite.

It's more private, isn't it? It's your special place.

I mean, not that I wouldn't want to use your special place.

I'm sure there's nothing different about it

but I would rather use the guest bathroom.

Listen, I just want to say, I think it's amazing what you're doing.

-What?

-Seb's been talking to Joyce about, you know,

-you trying to make your mind up about things.

-Oh, the conversion?

-That's an interesting way of putting it.

-Is it?

Don't rush into any decisions.

You need to take stock and Joyce seems very sportive.

-Well, it was her idea in the first place.

-Wow.

Well, just work out what you really want, moving forward.

-I'm going to get someone in.

-Are you?

Yeah, you know, get two or three guys in, work as a team,

it's pretty straightforward.

Excuse me.

-Trevor.

-Hi.

-Are you looking for Carol?

-No.

Why? Was she here?

-Is everything all right?

-Yeah, fine.

Um, I've got a big trustee meeting coming up,

having trouble with one of my charities.

That's no way to talk about Carol! I'm only joking.

-I hate meetings as well.

-What line of work are you in?

-Financial services.

-You're joking?

-No.

-So am I.

-I never joke about financial services.

-Well, neither do I.

So what's this big meeting that you're dreading?

-Is it with a client?

-Kind of.

You know what I do if I'm dreading a big meeting?

I try to bring it forward.

What do you mean?

Just have it earlier, get it out of the way sooner.

-Oh, right, less time to worry about it.

-Exactly.

Well, that's clever, counterintuitive.

-Plus you perform better in the meeting.

-Do you?

Yeah, because you're underprepared, you have to think on your toes.

They've done tests. The stats prove it.

-It's a very persuasive argument, if you like stats.

-Oh, I do.

I like stats a lot.

-Nice place.

-Yeah, it's got a lot of potential.

-Yeah.

-I wonder where Maureen's got to...

-Party animal, is she?

-You always end up in the kitchen?

-Yeah.

-Me, too.

You know, it's difficult living with a big personality.

Matt's always standing on tables, singing his head off at parties.

Maureen can't see a table without standing on it.

To be honest, I've asked her to tone it down a bit,

she can be embarrassing when she meets...when she's with...

-at parties.

-I know what you mean.

I wish I could tell Matt to do the same, you know,

it's...it's difficult for me out here.

You know, I'm cut off from my old network of friends,

whereas Matt is still kind of plugged in

because he commutes in and out of London every day.

-Oh, I think you could tell him.

-No, I don't want to start a row.

-He seems like a nice bloke, I'm sure he would be understanding.

-Thanks.

I'm probably making too much of it anyway.

Well, he did say you were a bit of a drama queen.

-I didn't know that...

-Grab your coat, love, you've pulled.

-What?

-We're going home.

-But I thought you wanted to stay.

-I've changed my mind.

-You mean...?

Yes, Carol, our period of fasting is at an end.

# Baby, here I am, I'm at man on the scene

# Didn't give you what you want just come, go home with me

# I've got some good old loving... #

SHE GIGGLES

This is all very sudden.

Exactly. The suddenness of it is very liberating.

To be honest, I've been nervous about it,

knowing where and when it was going to happen.

It's like a job interview. I always hated job interviews one-on-one.

I much preferred a panel.

You want more people?

No, I'm just saying,

-the more spontaneous it is, the less I have to dread.

-Thanks.

No, no, not dread, fear. No! Worry about. Shall we?

Do you remember that time in Lincoln, we just started going out

and we stayed at that B&B?

Oh, near the Cathedral, yes.

That was a lovely weekend, wasn't it?

Wonderful architecture.

You know, I think that was the tallest building in Europe

-until 1549.

-Because it was our first time.

Obviously that was the main thing about the weekend.

The Cathedral was very much a side issue.

They didn't have any clean bedding

so we slept on the floor, under our coats.

-Really?

-You might not still be in the mood by the time we get home.

Darling, it's a five-minute walk, I think I can manage it.

HE GASPS

OK. We can... We can do this. This is good.

We don't have to if you don't want to.

No, this is very...doable, we just have to organise it properly.

I mean, we are supposed to be exploring different possibilities

-within our relationship.

-Carol.

This is all good. I just have to lock the door.

Now...move these coats over here because that's coir matting -

you will lose several layers of skin if you roll off there.

How's that?

Fine.

-Oh, not on that one.

-Why not?

-That's Alan's.

I don't want him involved.

CAR BEEPS

Oh, I think I've unlocked his car.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hello, who's in there?

-I'd better open the door.

-No!

You stay there, I'll sort it.

-Oh, hi.

-Just using the, um... en suite.

-There is another bathroom.

-Is there?

Oh, of course there is, that's the one I was looking for,

-then I found this one.

-Right. Have you seen our dog anywhere?

-No.

-Will you give me a shout if you do?

-Righto.

-I just need one of the coats there.

-OK, which one?

-Dave's, he's leaving.

-Well, I'll get it.

-You don't know which one.

-Well, I could guess.

-You're going to guess which coat it is?

-It's a party game.

Have you never played Guess The Coat?

Why don't I just get it?

OK. That would be easier.

KNOCK ON WINDOW

-Can you give me a hand? Oh, hi, Carol.

-Hi.

-I need to take this cupboard back to my place.

-Isn't this their cupboard?

It's originally ours and now we're taking it back.

-I'm not taking their cupboard.

-They said we could have it.

-Who did?

-Seb.

-Well why isn't he helping you?

-He's hosting a party.

-Well, I can't.

-Why not?

-I'm doing something.

-Look, my thing will only take two minutes.

So will mine.

Just come out with us and meet the gang.

-Oh, I don't know, I'm not much of a night owl.

-They'd love you.

-Would they?

-Yeah.

-No. I don't think so.

-You'll love it.

It does get a bit shouty.

I don't think so, I don't really do shouty.

-Matt, I can't find the dog.

-Oh, he'll be hiding somewhere.

-Did you leave the door open?

-That's it, blame me.

I just thought you might have left it open

and forgotten seeing as you've had quite a bit of that Bordeaux.

I've only had a few glasses.

Oh, well, there's plenty left... in France.

Oh, come on, boys, don't argue.

-Don't get excited, Seb, he'll turn up.

-I am not getting excited.

-I'm not a drama queen, contrary to popular opinion.

-Come on, guys.

-That's right, you ain't drama...like Jordan hates a wedding.

-Hilarious.

At least we'll have something to chuckle about

while we're scooping Becks' lifeless little body up off the road.

So you're saying that if we were still in London

we wouldn't have to lock the door, is that it?

-Oh, I knew we'd get to this.

-This is about David.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, don't be ridiculous.

-Who's David?

-Somebody I knew a very long time ago.

-Oh, my God.

Oh, it always comes back to the exes.

-Why can't you just get over them?

-There's too many.

I need crampons and a team of Sherpas to get over them.

-Boys, boys, boys.

-Sorry. We should do this in private.

No, do it here.

You do not know how much I have missed this.

Mwah!

I'm home.

OK...

That's better...

more comfy.

Just got to draw the curtains.

I think that's better, don't you?

We don't want to be overlooked by that house over the road.

OK.

-This is great, isn't it?

-Very exciting.

-Gosh, it's been too long.

Yep.

Fear not.

For the dam is about to burst.

Oh...

It's a dimmer switch.

Right, how do you want it? Whoa!

Operating theatre suddenly.

Oh, now I can't see a thing.

That's a bit moody, isn't it?

-Trevor.

-Or is that too bistro?

-Trevor?

-Yes?

-Shall we just leave it?

-What do you mean?

Do it tomorrow or next week,

-or whenever we're feeling a bit more relaxed?

-Really?

Cos, um...I'm raring to go.

I know you are but I quite feel like going home

and watching a bit of telly.

-Well, if that's what you want.

-I think so.

-What do you want to watch?

-How about Countryfile?

All those farmers wives might get you in the mood again. Eh?

SHE GIGGLES

Woohoo.

# You make me feel... #

Maureen? What are you doing?

I've realised something, Joyce, you can't hide who you are.

-You have to be true to yourself.

-She's out and proud.

We tried, damn it.

KNOCK ON WINDOW

-I need your help.

-Help with what?

-Take the cupboard back.

-You can't steal the cupboard, Alan.

You told me to steal it.

That was before I got to know Seb

and before I knew that you'd asked him to do your loft.

This is Joyce's cupboard, John, if you won't do it for me,

do it for Joyce.

Is that their dog?

WHISPERS: Becks, Becks.

Come on, Becksy.

Not coming.

Probably can't lip read.

I'll get some meat.

I love meat. Especially al fresco.

I got some meat.

But you already found him some.

When you're ready.

Window's shut.

-Stick him in the cupboard.

-What?

I'll bring him back later.

In you go.

I've got it, quick. This way.

I've got it.

Oh. Sorry...

Hi, you know John.

Is that our cupboard?

-Which cupboard?

-That one.

Oh, this one?

-Er, well, no, actually, it's our cupboard.

-I don't understand.

-Joyce likes it.

-What?

Alan's going to get her one like it but he...

he needed to see if it would fit in the gap

by the side of the bed.

Oh, yeah, the gap, no tape measure, see?

-We were bringing it straight back.

-Two minutes.

-Sorry we didn't ask.

That's OK, have you seen Becks, anywhere?

-Er...

-Don't think so, no.

No, we haven't.

DOG BARKS

Becksy!

-Is he all right?

-I think so.

I'm done, mate. You're on your own.

Wait, so you're trying to steal our dog and our cupboard?

-It's not your cupboard.

-I don't know what to do.

-I don't want to call the police.

-Alan, what's going on?

-He's nicking our cupboard.

-And our dog.

-I know he's confused, but...

There's no excuse for animal abuse, Alan.

I don't care how repressed you are.

What's he talking about?

Never mind that.

All you had to do was be nice so we'd have one set of neighbours

that hadn't reported us to the police.

This is our cupboard. You took it from our skip.

I told you we bought that in town.

-You said you liked it, you said you were going to zhush it up.

-Mate...

-You need to calm down.

-I'll prove it! Come on!

Gemma, take Becksy.

You stood right here and said that you wanted to zhush up our cupboard.

-That cupboard?

-Yeah. That cupboard.

-My great-grandad's cupboard.

# You're looking for trouble

# You came to the right place

# My daddy was a green-eyed mountain jack

# Because I'm evil

# My middle name is misery

# Well, I'm evil So don't you mess around with me. #