Camping Boomers


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AIR HISSES

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Alan, wake up, you're deflating.

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I'm awake.

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I'm writing a review for TripAdvisor.

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"Worst place ever stayed in."

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Oh, that's nice, on Trevor's 65th birthday.

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They appreciate the feedback, Joyce.

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The only way they can make this place better -

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short of dropping a bomb on it.

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MUFFLED MOANING

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What's going on next-door?

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BANGING AND MOANING

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Bit early for all that, isn't it?

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Carol's bought him an exercise machine for his birthday.

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-I'm slipping off!

-Hold on to something!

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-I'm too sweaty!

-Oh, come on, Trevor.

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-You can go a bit faster than that!

-Oh!

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Just put up with roughing it for a couple of days for Trevor.

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It's the same for all of us.

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This cappuccino's not right.

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We haven't got a frothing machine.

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How do people live like this?

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# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

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# Now, if there's a smile on my face

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# It's only there trying to fool the public

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# But when it comes down to fooling you

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# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject

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# But don't let my glad expression

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# Give you... #

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The loo in the shower block's broken. Can I use yours?

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I'd rather you didn't.

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-Thanks(!)

-Oh, it's rented and I don't want to lose the deposit.

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Alan! Alan!

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The day of the living dead.

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Where's my clothes bag?

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It's not in the tent.

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-Did you pack it?

-I thought you did.

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Oh, no, Alan.

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What about the clothes you came in?

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Oh, you mean the damp ones here?

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The ones you used to try and plug the gap under the tent

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and then spilled your tea on?

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I can't hop around in a sleeping bag all of the weekend, Alan.

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Don't worry, Joyce.

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Maureen will fix you up.

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Maureen, dig out some of your clothes for Joyce.

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Where's the suitcase?

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-In the lounge!

-You've got a lounge?

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Maureen wanted top-of-the-range.

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How much are you shelling out per day?

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For Maureen? God knows.

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Come here.

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I've booked us on a bike ride for Trevor's birthday.

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What?

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I've hired three bikes, got all the gear.

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Trevor wants to do it. He said he wants to get fit.

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-I'm not doing that.

-Come on, it's just a bit of fun.

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I'm not dressed for it.

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Maureen! Dig out a pair of my shorts for Alan.

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-Which ones?

-Lycra.

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I'm not wearing Lycra!

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All right, but shorts at least.

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How far is it?

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It's a 5k trail through the forest...

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-Well, 5k's not too bad.

-..going round four times.

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-What?

-Come on, Alan, it's for charity.

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All the money raised is going to Age UK.

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-You're basically investing in your future.

-No, no.

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Alan, if this is what he wants to do, we've got to back him up.

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Nobody complained at your 65th.

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We didn't do anything for my 65th.

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And no-one complained.

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I don't think my knee can take it. It was very painful last night, with all the damp.

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Come on, Alan! Where's your sense of adventure?

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We're part of the active generation.

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You know, me and you

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are probably the only two 60-somethings in the country

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that haven't abseiled down Mount Kilimanjaro for charity.

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I suppose it'll get us off this bloody campsite.

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The place is full of loonies.

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-Moaning!

-Morning.

-Lovely day for it.

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-If you can get it, that is!

-HE LAUGHS

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Come on, dumpling, get a move on.

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Don't laugh, this is the wife!

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Morning!

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I can't believe Trevor actually likes this place.

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Only two more days.

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I'm not going to make it.

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Be strong, Alan.

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-Morning!

-Nice here, isn't it?

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-Fantastic!

-It's a great place.

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Fresh air, lovely...trees.

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Hi, Trevor!

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Oh, hi! Morning!

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We love it, don't we, Carol?

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It's a home from home.

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You know this caravan?

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20 years old.

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Good story.

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John.

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20 years old today!

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So, as well as my birthday, it's our van-iversary!

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But this is our last trip in it.

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We're selling up. She's falling to bits.

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Yeah, well, I'm not surprised,

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the pounding you were giving it this morning.

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Well, I like to jump on the exercise bike first thing in the morning.

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-That's no way to talk about Carol!

-A few people from the site

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are coming round for a barbecue to see her off.

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-"People from the site?"

-Oh, friends of ours, regulars.

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They'll all be bringing something they've cooked themselves.

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-Hi, Trevor.

-Hey, Harry. Good to see you!

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-Probably roadkill.

-We'll see you later!

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Yes, well, I'll take these clothes to Joyce,

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then I'll be back to get some maps and helmets.

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It'll be a shame to get rid of this old girl

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but time moves on.

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-We need to think about what we're going to replace her with.

-Yeah!

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I have seen a couple of static caravans.

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There's an Atlas Jasmine Lodge 220 going for ten grand.

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But we need to act quick,

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those things get snapped up super-fast -

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-like custard creams in a care home.

-I bet.

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I'm going to get ready.

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Don't let him buy another one.

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-What?

-I hate caravanning.

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-I thought you...

-I've been living a lie.

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I can't face towing a horse box with a toilet

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up and down the M5 for another 20 years.

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He's thinking of getting a static!

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What is a static?

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A caravan that doesn't move.

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That's a bungalow, isn't it?

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We're going to be stuck here forever!

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And you'll be coming to visit every year.

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Why don't you just tell him that you don't want to do it any more?

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I can't do that, it's been going on too long.

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He'll know I've been lying to him all these years.

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But I thought your new thing was being open and honest with each other.

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Well, yeah, about our physical and emotional needs.

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(Not about caravans.)

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What time are you back?

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-You're all right doing the barbecue, aren't you?

-Yeah, yeah.

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-Yeah, you go and have fun.

-You leave it to us, we'll muck in.

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I'm getting used to roughing it.

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I've already had to do without my jojoba-oil scalp treatment this morning.

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Right, well, come on. We're going to miss the start.

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Please?

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What's that on your head?

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It's a GoPro.

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I'm filming the whole event.

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-We can watch it later.

-Evidence for the coroner.

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I hope you weren't using that last night with Carol, Trevor!

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We wouldn't want to watch that as a double bill.

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Right, now they've gone, we can relax.

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-Do you want a buck's fizz?

-Oh, it's a bit early, isn't it?

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-It's after ten o'clock, Carol.

-Not for me.

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-Ooh.

-LEATHER CREAKS

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How do I look?

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-Great!

-I didn't get much sleep.

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You wouldn't know.

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Joyce, you look like you're in pain.

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They're supposed to be tight.

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Fashion's painful, Joyce.

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There's a price to pay for looking fabulous.

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Look at Victoria Beckham. Why do you think she never smiles?

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She's in constant agony, Joyce.

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I'll get you some talc.

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You'll need free movement if you're doing the barbie.

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Do you think I should have invited Maureen and John

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to the theatre last week for Trevor's first birthday treat?

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Sorry, Carol, you'll have to speak up.

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These trousers are so tight, they're blocking my ears.

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It's just, I didn't really think it would be her sort of thing.

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I've been to the theatre with her before and she just kept asking

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if there was anyone in it from off the telly.

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Oh, don't feel bad, Carol.

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It's just, it's more my thing than it is Maureen's, that's all.

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Yeah, she's more into fashion and beauty.

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You don't really care about that stuff any more...

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..which actually makes you even more beautiful!

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Carol says you're thinking of getting a static.

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Oh, well, you can get a second-hand one for about 15 grand.

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If you get a good deal, it's a sound investment.

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For a caravan with no wheels?

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Stick these on your bikes, lads.

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THEY LAUGH

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Is this gear necessary?

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It reduces drag, Alan. You want to be streamlined.

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Anything sticking out is going to slow your time down.

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THEY LAUGH

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What was that?

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-Nothing.

-You've never seen a man in cycling shorts before?

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Yeah, look, we're all doing it for charity. It's just a bit of fun.

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He's sensitive about his body.

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I can handle myself.

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I wouldn't in those shorts.

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What's this? Hospital tag already?

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It tells the organisers which category you're in.

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We're in "Leisure Riders".

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Yeah, we're in the Advanced group. It's a different colour.

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If I was on my own, I'd be in the Advanced.

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I thought it was just a charity ride.

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Well, obviously, they're timing everyone, so it's a race as well.

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-You said this wouldn't be competitive.

-It's not competitive!

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I just want to make sure we get as good a time as we can.

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We work together as a team,

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get in each other's slipstream.

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It's about pride, Alan.

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Pushing yourself to your limit.

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We can win our group if we ride together as a team.

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-Now, are we going to do this?

-Yes!

-Well, come on!

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We're just waiting for the rest of the party.

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-We're waiting for someone else?

-Yes, friends of mine from the site.

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Here they are! You'll really get on.

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Moanin' again!

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Chris, JJ, this is John and Alan.

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Now, Chris, be gentle with them.

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They don't own a van!

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What?

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Sapristi bompetts, Eccles!

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Whoa! Sapristi bompetts, Bluebottle!

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THEY LAUGH

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We do a lot of the Goon Show stuff.

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Yes, many's the night they've spent round the fire pit,

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conducting the entire conversations as Bluebottle and Eccles!

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And people say there's nothing to do on campsites at night(!)

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Why do we always get left to do the cooking?

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Oh, it's the same every time we come here.

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Trevor goes off doing some activity and I'm left to do the food.

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It's not a holiday, is it?

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It's outrageous, having to slave over a hot stove all afternoon.

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We're always left in the background, aren't we?

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Every woman on this campsite's the same -

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looking after the chores while the men go off and have fun!

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We're invisible, that's what it is.

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Once you get to a certain age, you just blend into the background,

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-don't you?

-That is not true, Carol.

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We are not invisible.

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Look at me, I'm still hanging it out there.

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On a campsite.

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I'm going to get the instructions for this awning.

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She's a bit down, isn't she?

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She needs a confidence boost.

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Hello, ladies.

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I'm Hakan.

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My tent is too close, no?

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No, no. It's fine.

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You're not from round here, are you?

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-I'm Swedish.

-Ah.

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If you need help with anything, you let me know!

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Do we just shout

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or is there some kind of horn we have to blow to summon you?

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See? Not invisible!

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Keep going, you daft lump.

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Oh! Come on, Bradley Wiggins.

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I'm running out of memory here!

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CRASH

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It's OK!

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There's no lasting damage!

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Oh!

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-We can't ride with those two.

-What do you mean?

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They'll slow us down. It's survival of the fittest, Alan.

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We shouldn't be in Leisure Riders. I'm going to get us upgraded to Advanced.

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Why is it so important to come first?

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-I just want to do the best we can.

-Yeah, well, I'm not doing it.

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I'm not going into the Advanced group. Trevor won't keep up.

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It's not fair on him, John. We have to think of his health.

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Guess what!

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Chris has got a spare static caravan!

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We could come here every year!

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Brilliant!

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Kill me now.

0:11:040:11:07

Oh, we're stuck with the barbecue.

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I can't get the oven going.

0:11:080:11:10

Didn't Trevor say there was a knack to it?

0:11:100:11:12

Trevor says a lot of things about this caravan.

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-Oh!

-He's Swedish.

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We should have introduced ourselves.

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Hakan, this is Carol,

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this is Joyce

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and I'm Maureen, the baby of the group.

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God dag!

0:11:250:11:26

God dag.

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Trevligt att traffas.

0:11:270:11:29

Talar du svenska?

0:11:290:11:30

Ja, lite.

0:11:300:11:32

Vart kommer du fran?

0:11:320:11:33

Jag ar fran Stockholm.

0:11:330:11:35

I didn't know you spoke Swedish.

0:11:350:11:36

Oh, I was a huge ABBA fan.

0:11:360:11:38

# Jo, jo

0:11:380:11:40

# In Waterloo

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# Napoleon fick ge sig. #

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It's like our national anthem.

0:11:430:11:46

Do you want some help with that?

0:11:460:11:47

They can be a bit tricky to get started.

0:11:470:11:50

No, thanks. I'm OK.

0:11:500:11:51

That's very kind of you, Hakan.

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We would love a little bit of help. Wouldn't we, Carol?

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Det hade varit jattebra. Tack!

0:11:560:11:59

That's "yes".

0:11:590:12:01

We need some small wood.

0:12:010:12:03

Oh, I think we're out of small wood.

0:12:030:12:05

I'll gather some from the forest.

0:12:050:12:07

What do you think?

0:12:090:12:10

He's very friendly.

0:12:100:12:12

We don't need any help.

0:12:120:12:13

We're managing fine.

0:12:130:12:15

You've had a bag of charcoal open for an hour and nothing's lit yet.

0:12:150:12:19

He's very dashing.

0:12:190:12:20

I'd never be able to get Trevor to chop wood.

0:12:200:12:22

Oh, this is ridiculous.

0:12:220:12:24

You're both old enough to be his mother!

0:12:240:12:26

Big sister.

0:12:270:12:29

We're not flirting, we're just talking.

0:12:290:12:31

It's a meeting of minds.

0:12:310:12:32

-It's a cultural exchange. Isn't it, Carol?

-Exactly.

0:12:320:12:35

-We're cultured people.

-We are.

0:12:350:12:37

Forgot my bag.

0:12:370:12:39

Just because some lump turns up

0:12:390:12:41

and starts flashing his triceps at you.

0:12:410:12:44

Women of our age should have a bit more dignity.

0:12:440:12:48

I like your leather pants.

0:12:480:12:50

Ooh!

0:12:500:12:51

-Oh, thank you!

-JOYCE GIGGLES

0:12:510:12:52

It's just something I threw on earlier.

0:12:520:12:55

What?!

0:13:000:13:01

CHARIOTS OF FIRE THEME PLAYS

0:13:010:13:08

It's an emotional thing, saying goodbye to a caravan.

0:13:200:13:23

Is it?

0:13:230:13:24

Me and herself there were going to pop over last night

0:13:240:13:26

and help you say goodbye to the old girl, but we saw you were busy.

0:13:260:13:30

You know what they say,

0:13:300:13:31

"If the van's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!"

0:13:310:13:34

Our boy Julian's doing the same route as us today.

0:13:340:13:36

He's up ahead somewhere, isn't he, dumpling?

0:13:360:13:38

Yes, he's in the advanced race. He's ever so fit.

0:13:380:13:41

Yeah, he takes after me.

0:13:410:13:42

I might not have a six-pack any more,

0:13:420:13:44

but I do actually have a HUGE anaerobic capacity.

0:13:440:13:47

Oh, it's absolutely massive.

0:13:470:13:49

There was a mix-up with the wristbands.

0:13:490:13:51

We're in the Advanced group.

0:13:510:13:53

Oh, does that mean we can't ride together?

0:13:530:13:55

I'm afraid so, Trevor.

0:13:550:13:56

Unless we get into the Advanced group.

0:13:560:13:58

I wouldn't want you to change your plans.

0:13:580:14:00

And I'm not an advanced rider, Chris.

0:14:000:14:03

No, of course not.

0:14:030:14:04

She Who Must Be Obeyed throws a spanner in the works again!

0:14:040:14:07

Damn!

0:14:070:14:09

Well, I suppose we'd better say goodbye, then.

0:14:120:14:14

We can meet up at the end, though.

0:14:140:14:15

Yeah, OK.

0:14:150:14:17

Sapristi bompetts!

0:14:170:14:19

Sapristi bompetts, yeah.

0:14:190:14:21

If you place the hickory down here on the first level,

0:14:240:14:26

the smoke will infuse the meat.

0:14:260:14:29

Mmm, sounds delicious.

0:14:290:14:30

So, what is it that you actually do, Hakan?

0:14:310:14:35

Apart from helping with barbecues.

0:14:350:14:38

I'm a student. I'm staying in England to study literature.

0:14:380:14:40

Oh, that's interesting!

0:14:400:14:42

We were just talking about books - weren't we, Joyce?

0:14:420:14:44

I'm also a stonemason and musician.

0:14:440:14:46

Traditional Scandinavian folk music.

0:14:460:14:48

I could show you my tagelharpa later.

0:14:480:14:51

It's a musical instrument.

0:14:520:14:54

I made it myself.

0:14:540:14:55

Oh, thank God for that.

0:14:550:14:57

-How long are you staying?

-I don't think of time.

0:14:570:14:59

It's part of the fabric of the universe,

0:14:590:15:01

like space and gravity.

0:15:010:15:03

You can't control it.

0:15:030:15:04

Useful for catching trains, though.

0:15:040:15:06

And now that I'm single again,

0:15:060:15:08

there's no reason to go back to Sweden.

0:15:080:15:10

Oh, you split up with your girlfriend?

0:15:100:15:12

Gunilla.

0:15:120:15:14

Is that her name, or... do you need a glass of water?

0:15:140:15:17

It was a very difficult time.

0:15:170:15:18

We were soul mates, really.

0:15:180:15:20

Well, maybe you'll get back together.

0:15:200:15:22

We were planning her birthday.

0:15:220:15:23

-It was a big one.

-Which one was it?

0:15:230:15:25

60.

0:15:250:15:27

Years?

0:15:270:15:28

I've always been attracted to older women.

0:15:280:15:30

Experience is a powerful aphrodisiac.

0:15:300:15:32

That's what Alan tells you - isn't it, Joyce?

0:15:320:15:35

Hurry up, Trevor.

0:15:380:15:40

We'll start getting lapped by people soon.

0:15:400:15:41

-Back me up here, John.

-Back you up on what?

0:15:410:15:43

If we let him buy that static,

0:15:430:15:45

we'll be coming here every weekend until we're dead.

0:15:450:15:47

-What's a static?

-A caravan with no wheels.

0:15:470:15:49

-That's a bungalow, isn't it?

-Exactly!

0:15:490:15:51

I mean, who has a spare caravan?

0:15:510:15:54

That guy Chris is clearly nuts... This is a cult, John.

0:15:540:15:57

We've got to rescue Trevor from a cult.

0:15:570:15:59

-It's just another caravan.

-"Just another caravan"?

0:15:590:16:01

That's like saying to a drug addict, "Oh, it's just another crack pipe."

0:16:010:16:04

He's just reached 65 and he's going to blow his pension pot.

0:16:040:16:07

We've got to stop him doing it.

0:16:070:16:08

Trevor won't spend the money, he's too cautious.

0:16:080:16:11

He takes out insurance on his insurance.

0:16:110:16:13

He's different when he's out here. It's like he's gone native.

0:16:130:16:16

Get out of the road, twat!

0:16:160:16:17

Hey, that was uncalled for.

0:16:170:16:19

Very!

0:16:190:16:20

Come back and say that to my face!

0:16:200:16:22

Shit.

0:16:260:16:28

He's bluffing.

0:16:280:16:30

-He's not bluffing.

-I think he is.

0:16:300:16:32

I think he isn't.

0:16:330:16:34

-Let's go.

-What about Trevor?

0:16:360:16:38

They won't touch him, he's got a CCTV camera on his head.

0:16:380:16:42

Oi, come here!

0:16:450:16:46

HE WHIMPERS

0:16:480:16:49

These are just some impressions of the surrounding woodland

0:16:500:16:53

-and then I screen-print them onto tea towels.

-They're very good.

0:16:530:16:56

I try to combine art and camping as much as I can.

0:16:560:16:59

It's a bit difficult, though.

0:16:590:17:00

You know, there's a folk and craft festival on in the village.

0:17:000:17:03

Ah, I'd love to go to more festivals with Trevor

0:17:030:17:06

but he's no good with mud.

0:17:060:17:08

It rained for a whole week in Bournemouth last year

0:17:080:17:11

and he got trench foot.

0:17:110:17:12

Very mildly,

0:17:120:17:14

but it was still upsetting for him.

0:17:140:17:16

I've travelled a lot.

0:17:170:17:18

Me and Gunilla saw many incredible things together.

0:17:180:17:21

The sunset over the great temple at Angkor Wat in Cambodia,

0:17:210:17:25

-wolves on the Athabasca Glacier in Canada.

-Oh!

0:17:250:17:28

One time, we even rode with wild horses of the Camargue.

0:17:280:17:32

Trevor's allergic to horse hair.

0:17:320:17:35

THUNDER RUMBLES

0:17:350:17:38

It's all very well offering to help,

0:17:380:17:41

but he's not doing much, is he?

0:17:410:17:42

He's a free spirit, Joyce.

0:17:420:17:45

A wandering craftsman.

0:17:450:17:46

Carol seems to be getting on all right with him, anyway.

0:17:460:17:49

It's good for her to have someone to talk to about her art.

0:17:490:17:52

I mean, we're never going to be enough for her, are we?

0:17:520:17:55

I suppose not.

0:17:550:17:56

I mean, I'm not exactly a culture vulture.

0:17:560:17:58

Nor am I.

0:17:580:18:00

To be quite honest with you,

0:18:000:18:01

I didn't enjoy her theatre trip last week.

0:18:010:18:03

-What theatre trip?

-You know, for...

0:18:030:18:05

For Trevor.

0:18:080:18:10

For his birthday.

0:18:100:18:11

When was that?

0:18:110:18:12

Last Thursday. I think you were busy.

0:18:120:18:15

I wasn't busy last Thursday.

0:18:150:18:16

You're always busy!

0:18:160:18:17

Not last Thursday.

0:18:170:18:19

Why didn't she ask me?

0:18:190:18:20

Well, perhaps she thought you wouldn't like the theatre.

0:18:200:18:23

You said yourself, you're not a culture vulture.

0:18:230:18:25

She knows I love culture!

0:18:250:18:26

I went with her to the cinema to see Mamma Mia.

0:18:260:18:29

Yeah, but she wanted to go to the theatre.

0:18:290:18:31

I've been to the theatre.

0:18:310:18:32

I went to the theatre 12 times last year.

0:18:320:18:34

What did you see?

0:18:340:18:35

Mamma Mia.

0:18:350:18:37

Look, just don't tell Carol.

0:18:370:18:39

I won't say anything,

0:18:390:18:41

I know how to behave.

0:18:410:18:43

Hakan says there's a folk-music festival in the village,

0:18:430:18:47

shall we go later?

0:18:470:18:48

I don't know if I'd understand it, Carol.

0:18:480:18:50

What do you mean?

0:18:500:18:52

I suppose I'd be all right, as long as it wasn't in a theatre.

0:18:520:18:55

She dragged it out of me.

0:18:570:18:59

-Where are we?

-THUNDER RUMBLES

0:19:020:19:05

It's fine, we're here on the GPS.

0:19:050:19:08

We keep in this direction and we're back on the race route.

0:19:090:19:11

I don't recognise this.

0:19:110:19:13

Hang on, this is a map of Dubai.

0:19:130:19:15

I forgot to reset it.

0:19:150:19:16

What was that?

0:19:160:19:18

Probably a camel.

0:19:180:19:20

Trevor, I don't think you should buy Chris' caravan.

0:19:200:19:23

-Why not?

-Well...

0:19:230:19:24

Has Carol said something?

0:19:240:19:26

-No.

-She'll be wanting a brand-new one, I expect.

0:19:260:19:28

She loves camping.

0:19:280:19:30

She'll want to invest properly in the next 20 years.

0:19:300:19:32

Yeah, it's not that.

0:19:320:19:34

It's just that, well, I don't think it's right for you.

0:19:340:19:37

Ah, I understand, Al. Don't worry.

0:19:370:19:38

-It's because I'm a big noise up here, isn't it?

-What?

0:19:380:19:41

You know, I wouldn't abandon you.

0:19:410:19:43

I mean, just because I'm incredibly popular on the site with these guys,

0:19:430:19:46

doesn't mean to say I won't still see you!

0:19:460:19:48

This is a cult, Trevor. You've been sucked into a cult.

0:19:480:19:51

It's Scientology on wheels.

0:19:510:19:52

Now, just hold on a minute, Alan.

0:19:520:19:54

I like spending my leisure time caravanning, what's wrong with that?

0:19:540:19:57

There are thousands of people like me all over the country.

0:19:570:20:00

-All over the world.

-Whose side are you on?

0:20:000:20:02

I don't mind admitting to that. I'm passionate about caravans.

0:20:020:20:05

There, I've said it.

0:20:050:20:07

My name is Trevor and I like caravans.

0:20:070:20:09

What do you like?

0:20:090:20:11

What do I like?

0:20:110:20:12

You've done nothing but moan all day about caravans and cycling.

0:20:120:20:15

At least we've got something we're interested in. What have you got?

0:20:150:20:18

-Yeah, what are your hobbies?

-I've got hobbies.

-What are they?

0:20:180:20:21

-I like walking.

-That's not a hobby, that's just moving around.

0:20:210:20:24

You don't do anything. At least we've got something we love.

0:20:240:20:27

Trevor loves caravans.

0:20:270:20:28

-I don't get it, but I respect it.

-Thank you, John.

0:20:280:20:30

Yes, it's full of weirdos and geeks, but that's fine.

0:20:300:20:32

OK, thank you!

0:20:320:20:33

You don't know how to spend your leisure time and you're taking your frustrations out on us.

0:20:330:20:37

I know how to spend my leisure time!

0:20:370:20:39

What did you do at the weekend?

0:20:390:20:41

-Took Joyce to the shops.

-Weekend before that?

0:20:410:20:44

Took Joyce to the shops.

0:20:440:20:45

-Weekend before?

-I did the gardening.

-And then?

0:20:450:20:48

Took Joyce to the shops.

0:20:480:20:49

You're a taxi driver. That's not a hobby.

0:20:490:20:51

You want to get a hobby of your own and stop interfering with ours!

0:20:510:20:55

He needed to be told.

0:20:570:20:59

Here we are, back on track.

0:21:020:21:04

It was just a mix-up, that's all.

0:21:100:21:12

I just didn't think you'd be that interested.

0:21:120:21:15

It was boring anyway!

0:21:150:21:16

Was it?

0:21:160:21:18

No, not...not boring.

0:21:180:21:20

Long.

0:21:200:21:22

Never judge a book by its cover, Carol.

0:21:220:21:24

Just because someone is glamorous,

0:21:240:21:26

-does not mean to say they can't be intellectual as well.

-Maureen...

0:21:260:21:30

Oh, it's true, Hakan.

0:21:300:21:31

I get it all the time.

0:21:310:21:33

I can't believe you guys are still arguing.

0:21:330:21:35

-We're not arguing, are we?

-We're not arguing.

0:21:350:21:37

-We're just talking.

-Loudly.

0:21:370:21:39

Then, what is the problem?

0:21:390:21:41

You must not worry what everyone else thinks about you.

0:21:410:21:44

Remember, experience brings independence and confidence,

0:21:440:21:48

and confidence is what makes us beautiful.

0:21:480:21:51

Oh, that's true.

0:21:510:21:53

Confidence is important.

0:21:530:21:55

-And hairspray.

-Obviously.

0:21:550:21:57

Maureen, you're a dazzling woman

0:21:570:21:59

with many hidden intellectual aspects.

0:21:590:22:02

See!

0:22:020:22:04

Carol, you're an amazingly cultural person

0:22:040:22:07

-with a beautiful, artistic soul.

-Oh!

0:22:070:22:09

And, Joyce...

0:22:100:22:11

..you're really good at preparing meat.

0:22:130:22:15

If you can't control your bikes,

0:22:180:22:19

-then you shouldn't be in the event.

-We were controlling our bikes!

0:22:190:22:22

You were in the middle of the bloody path.

0:22:220:22:24

-You could have caused an accident!

-AIR HISSES

0:22:240:22:26

All right, let's not get confrontational.

0:22:260:22:28

AIR HISSES

0:22:280:22:30

Look, it's not a social event.

0:22:300:22:31

It's for serious cyclists.

0:22:310:22:33

They are serious cyclists.

0:22:330:22:36

I know you take your cycling seriously,

0:22:360:22:38

and my friends take it seriously too,

0:22:380:22:40

but I don't, so blame me.

0:22:400:22:42

I can't see the point of it.

0:22:420:22:44

I feel ludicrous enough just being 68 years old

0:22:440:22:47

without drawing attention to myself by dressing up as a bruised banana

0:22:470:22:51

and riding around on a bicycle.

0:22:510:22:52

I know that's not a very positive attitude

0:22:520:22:55

but, as my friends have rightly pointed out,

0:22:550:22:57

I am a man without any interests.

0:22:570:23:00

A mean-spirited, shrivelled-up husk of a human being.

0:23:000:23:03

Quite frankly, sometimes, I wonder why I'm still drawing breath.

0:23:030:23:07

So, just for me,

0:23:070:23:09

can we all calm down

0:23:090:23:11

and get this ordeal over with

0:23:110:23:13

as quickly as possible?

0:23:130:23:15

HE PLAYS FOLK MUSIC

0:23:210:23:23

Bravo.

0:23:300:23:31

More!

0:23:310:23:33

That was mesmerising.

0:23:330:23:35

You are too kind.

0:23:350:23:36

It's called a tagelharpa.

0:23:360:23:37

It is our national instrument.

0:23:370:23:39

We're learning a lot today, aren't we?

0:23:390:23:41

Well, ladies, this is another very special liquor.

0:23:410:23:44

It's strong.

0:23:440:23:45

-Some say it is an aphrodisiac.

-Ooh!

-HE CHUCKLES

0:23:450:23:49

Skal!

0:23:490:23:50

Bottoms up!

0:23:500:23:51

Mmm.

0:23:580:24:00

This reminds me of Gunilla.

0:24:000:24:02

(Here we go.

0:24:020:24:04

(He's just sounding off, Joyce. He's looking for a mother figure.

0:24:040:24:07

(That makes me feel a lot better.)

0:24:070:24:10

Why do women leave?

0:24:100:24:12

Did you play her much tagelharpa?

0:24:120:24:14

I suppose we'd better just let him get on with it.

0:24:170:24:20

Carol won't like it.

0:24:200:24:21

You can't interfere in the internal workings of a marriage, Alan.

0:24:210:24:24

It's an organic thing.

0:24:240:24:25

It's budding and blossoming all the time.

0:24:250:24:28

The static caravan is just one of those buds -

0:24:280:24:30

it'll blossom, make Carol feel miserable for a bit

0:24:300:24:32

and it'll shrivel up again when they flog it after six months because she's bent his earhole back.

0:24:320:24:37

-He'll be happy while it lasts.

-Oh, exactly.

0:24:370:24:39

-Hello.

-How did you get on with Chris?

0:24:390:24:42

Oh, it was lovely.

0:24:420:24:43

Yes, we're so lucky to be able to spend time together doing these amazing things!

0:24:430:24:47

Well, he's a special guy, isn't he?

0:24:470:24:49

Julian didn't do so well, though.

0:24:500:24:52

He got a puncture. Actually, his friend got a puncture, too.

0:24:520:24:55

-Really?

-That's very unlucky.

0:24:550:24:57

Looks like you had fun, though.

0:24:570:24:59

Trevor's just showing Chris the video now.

0:24:590:25:01

Just some guys we had a run-in with!

0:25:010:25:02

That's Julian.

0:25:020:25:04

What, your Julian? Small world!

0:25:040:25:06

Hang on.

0:25:060:25:08

INAUDIBLE

0:25:110:25:13

# They did a bad, bad thing

0:25:130:25:15

# They did a bad, bad thing

0:25:150:25:16

# They did a bad, bad thing. #

0:25:180:25:20

So, we're all going to the folk festival tomorrow?

0:25:210:25:24

-Why not?

-Just us girls.

0:25:240:25:26

Ladies, I must leave you.

0:25:260:25:28

I have to use the lavatory.

0:25:280:25:30

Maureen, can I use your facilities?

0:25:300:25:32

Yeah, course you can.

0:25:320:25:34

Thank you, you are a very kind woman.

0:25:340:25:36

You are all very kind

0:25:360:25:37

and I hope my meat is to your liking.

0:25:370:25:39

What a nice man.

0:25:450:25:47

What meat's he talking about?

0:25:470:25:49

The barbecue!

0:25:490:25:50

Are you sure you won't reconsider?

0:25:540:25:56

I am not handing over a static treasure

0:25:560:25:58

like the Mirage 250 S Class to just anybody.

0:25:580:26:01

But that was Alan! I had no idea...

0:26:010:26:02

I'm sorry, Trevor, I always go by the old saying,

0:26:020:26:05

"By a man's friends shall ye judge him."

0:26:050:26:07

That's not a saying.

0:26:070:26:09

He makes up sayings all the time.

0:26:090:26:11

ALL the time!

0:26:110:26:13

He's driving me mad!

0:26:130:26:15

ALL: Trevor!

0:26:150:26:16

Oh! Hi, guys!

0:26:160:26:17

Hope you're hungry!

0:26:190:26:21

I don't know why you always make such a fuss about a barbecue,

0:26:210:26:24

it's a doddle!

0:26:240:26:26

"MAMMA MIA" BY ABBA BLARES

0:26:270:26:29

Hey, careful!

0:26:290:26:31

When the van's a-rockin', don't go a-knockin'!

0:26:310:26:33

I didn't know they were related!

0:26:350:26:38

Close the door! You're letting all the Swedishness out!

0:26:380:26:42

I've got some bad news.

0:26:440:26:45

I was thinking of replacing the caravan with Chris' old static, but I don't think it's going to happen.

0:26:450:26:50

-Oh, that's a shame.

-But I think I've got a deal on another one.

0:26:500:26:53

-No.

-I remember, there was a Cosalt Sandhurst Super 35,

0:26:530:26:56

in excellent condition...

0:26:560:26:57

-No!

-What?

0:26:570:26:59

I don't want a Sandhurst Super 35

0:26:590:27:01

or a...a Bella Vista CK20,

0:27:010:27:04

or anything else!

0:27:040:27:05

I am sick and tired of coming down here

0:27:050:27:08

and listening to you and your boring friends

0:27:080:27:11

going on about dimensions and decking and tow ratios!

0:27:110:27:15

I don't want to sit outside a stupid static caravan

0:27:150:27:19

until I die in my chair

0:27:190:27:20

and have to be carted off by the man who does the maintenance contract!

0:27:200:27:25

I want to stand on glaciers with wolves, Trevor.

0:27:250:27:27

I want to live!

0:27:290:27:31

I want to live, too!

0:27:320:27:35

I want to live!

0:27:360:27:38

I want to live!

0:27:400:27:42

I want to live!

0:27:420:27:44

Dumpling, where you going?

0:27:440:27:46

I'm going to find a glacier to stand on, you boring old fart!

0:27:460:27:50

And stop calling me "dumpling"!

0:27:500:27:53

Listen, next year, we can go to Glastonbury...

0:27:560:28:00

-or La Tomatina!

-La what?

0:28:000:28:02

It's a tomato festival in Spain.

0:28:020:28:04

Hakan's been telling me about it.

0:28:040:28:06

Who's Hakan?

0:28:060:28:07

This Swedish guy who's been helping us with the barbecue.

0:28:070:28:10

Hakan's tent's gone.

0:28:100:28:12

Where's the Winnebago?

0:28:210:28:22

It was here a minute ago. Hakan was in it.

0:28:220:28:25

-The Swedish guy?

-Yeah.

0:28:250:28:26

What's a Swedish guy doing in the Winnie?

0:28:260:28:29

He wanted to use the toilet.

0:28:290:28:30

You wouldn't let me use the toilet.

0:28:300:28:32

Wouldn't have happened with a static.

0:28:370:28:40

# Every woman, every man

0:28:400:28:42

# Join the caravan of love

0:28:420:28:45

# Stand up

0:28:450:28:46

# Stand up

0:28:460:28:48

# Stand up

0:28:480:28:50

# Everybody take a stand

0:28:500:28:52

# Join the caravan of love

0:28:520:28:55

# Stand up

0:28:550:28:57

# Stand up

0:28:570:28:58

# Stand up

0:28:580:29:00

# I'm your brother

0:29:000:29:04

# I'm your brother, don't you know?

0:29:040:29:09

# She's my sister... #

0:29:090:29:13

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