Camping Boomers

AIR HISSES

Alan, wake up, you're deflating.

I'm awake.

I'm writing a review for TripAdvisor.

"Worst place ever stayed in."

Oh, that's nice, on Trevor's 65th birthday.

They appreciate the feedback, Joyce.

The only way they can make this place better -

short of dropping a bomb on it.

MUFFLED MOANING

What's going on next-door?

BANGING AND MOANING

Bit early for all that, isn't it?

Carol's bought him an exercise machine for his birthday.

-I'm slipping off!

-Hold on to something!

-I'm too sweaty!

-Oh, come on, Trevor.

-You can go a bit faster than that!

-Oh!

Just put up with roughing it for a couple of days for Trevor.

It's the same for all of us.

This cappuccino's not right.

We haven't got a frothing machine.

How do people live like this?

# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Now, if there's a smile on my face

# It's only there trying to fool the public

# But when it comes down to fooling you

# Now, honey, that's quite a different subject

# But don't let my glad expression

# Give you... #

The loo in the shower block's broken. Can I use yours?

I'd rather you didn't.

-Thanks(!)

-Oh, it's rented and I don't want to lose the deposit.

Alan! Alan!

The day of the living dead.

Where's my clothes bag?

It's not in the tent.

-Did you pack it?

-I thought you did.

Oh, no, Alan.

What about the clothes you came in?

Oh, you mean the damp ones here?

The ones you used to try and plug the gap under the tent

and then spilled your tea on?

I can't hop around in a sleeping bag all of the weekend, Alan.

Don't worry, Joyce.

Maureen will fix you up.

Maureen, dig out some of your clothes for Joyce.

Where's the suitcase?

-In the lounge!

-You've got a lounge?

Maureen wanted top-of-the-range.

How much are you shelling out per day?

For Maureen? God knows.

Come here.

I've booked us on a bike ride for Trevor's birthday.

What?

I've hired three bikes, got all the gear.

Trevor wants to do it. He said he wants to get fit.

-I'm not doing that.

-Come on, it's just a bit of fun.

I'm not dressed for it.

Maureen! Dig out a pair of my shorts for Alan.

-Which ones?

-Lycra.

I'm not wearing Lycra!

All right, but shorts at least.

How far is it?

It's a 5k trail through the forest...

-Well, 5k's not too bad.

-..going round four times.

-What?

-Come on, Alan, it's for charity.

All the money raised is going to Age UK.

-You're basically investing in your future.

-No, no.

Alan, if this is what he wants to do, we've got to back him up.

Nobody complained at your 65th.

We didn't do anything for my 65th.

And no-one complained.

I don't think my knee can take it. It was very painful last night, with all the damp.

Come on, Alan! Where's your sense of adventure?

We're part of the active generation.

You know, me and you

are probably the only two 60-somethings in the country

that haven't abseiled down Mount Kilimanjaro for charity.

I suppose it'll get us off this bloody campsite.

The place is full of loonies.

-Moaning!

-Morning.

-Lovely day for it.

-If you can get it, that is!

-HE LAUGHS

Come on, dumpling, get a move on.

Don't laugh, this is the wife!

Morning!

I can't believe Trevor actually likes this place.

Only two more days.

I'm not going to make it.

Be strong, Alan.

-Morning!

-Nice here, isn't it?

-Fantastic!

-It's a great place.

Fresh air, lovely...trees.

Hi, Trevor!

Oh, hi! Morning!

We love it, don't we, Carol?

It's a home from home.

You know this caravan?

20 years old.

Good story.

John.

20 years old today!

So, as well as my birthday, it's our van-iversary!

But this is our last trip in it.

We're selling up. She's falling to bits.

Yeah, well, I'm not surprised,

the pounding you were giving it this morning.

Well, I like to jump on the exercise bike first thing in the morning.

-That's no way to talk about Carol!

-A few people from the site

are coming round for a barbecue to see her off.

-"People from the site?"

-Oh, friends of ours, regulars.

They'll all be bringing something they've cooked themselves.

-Hi, Trevor.

-Hey, Harry. Good to see you!

-Probably roadkill.

-We'll see you later!

Yes, well, I'll take these clothes to Joyce,

then I'll be back to get some maps and helmets.

It'll be a shame to get rid of this old girl

but time moves on.

-We need to think about what we're going to replace her with.

-Yeah!

I have seen a couple of static caravans.

There's an Atlas Jasmine Lodge 220 going for ten grand.

But we need to act quick,

those things get snapped up super-fast -

-like custard creams in a care home.

-I bet.

I'm going to get ready.

Don't let him buy another one.

-What?

-I hate caravanning.

-I thought you...

-I've been living a lie.

I can't face towing a horse box with a toilet

up and down the M5 for another 20 years.

He's thinking of getting a static!

What is a static?

A caravan that doesn't move.

That's a bungalow, isn't it?

We're going to be stuck here forever!

And you'll be coming to visit every year.

Why don't you just tell him that you don't want to do it any more?

I can't do that, it's been going on too long.

He'll know I've been lying to him all these years.

But I thought your new thing was being open and honest with each other.

Well, yeah, about our physical and emotional needs.

(Not about caravans.)

What time are you back?

-You're all right doing the barbecue, aren't you?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, you go and have fun.

-You leave it to us, we'll muck in.

I'm getting used to roughing it.

I've already had to do without my jojoba-oil scalp treatment this morning.

Right, well, come on. We're going to miss the start.

Please?

What's that on your head?

It's a GoPro.

I'm filming the whole event.

-We can watch it later.

-Evidence for the coroner.

I hope you weren't using that last night with Carol, Trevor!

We wouldn't want to watch that as a double bill.

Right, now they've gone, we can relax.

-Do you want a buck's fizz?

-Oh, it's a bit early, isn't it?

-It's after ten o'clock, Carol.

-Not for me.

-Ooh.

-LEATHER CREAKS

How do I look?

-Great!

-I didn't get much sleep.

You wouldn't know.

Joyce, you look like you're in pain.

They're supposed to be tight.

Fashion's painful, Joyce.

There's a price to pay for looking fabulous.

Look at Victoria Beckham. Why do you think she never smiles?

She's in constant agony, Joyce.

I'll get you some talc.

You'll need free movement if you're doing the barbie.

Do you think I should have invited Maureen and John

to the theatre last week for Trevor's first birthday treat?

Sorry, Carol, you'll have to speak up.

These trousers are so tight, they're blocking my ears.

It's just, I didn't really think it would be her sort of thing.

I've been to the theatre with her before and she just kept asking

if there was anyone in it from off the telly.

Oh, don't feel bad, Carol.

It's just, it's more my thing than it is Maureen's, that's all.

Yeah, she's more into fashion and beauty.

You don't really care about that stuff any more...

..which actually makes you even more beautiful!

Carol says you're thinking of getting a static.

Oh, well, you can get a second-hand one for about 15 grand.

If you get a good deal, it's a sound investment.

For a caravan with no wheels?

Stick these on your bikes, lads.

THEY LAUGH

Is this gear necessary?

It reduces drag, Alan. You want to be streamlined.

Anything sticking out is going to slow your time down.

THEY LAUGH

What was that?

-Nothing.

-You've never seen a man in cycling shorts before?

Yeah, look, we're all doing it for charity. It's just a bit of fun.

He's sensitive about his body.

I can handle myself.

I wouldn't in those shorts.

What's this? Hospital tag already?

It tells the organisers which category you're in.

We're in "Leisure Riders".

Yeah, we're in the Advanced group. It's a different colour.

If I was on my own, I'd be in the Advanced.

I thought it was just a charity ride.

Well, obviously, they're timing everyone, so it's a race as well.

-You said this wouldn't be competitive.

-It's not competitive!

I just want to make sure we get as good a time as we can.

We work together as a team,

get in each other's slipstream.

It's about pride, Alan.

Pushing yourself to your limit.

We can win our group if we ride together as a team.

-Now, are we going to do this?

-Yes!

-Well, come on!

We're just waiting for the rest of the party.

-We're waiting for someone else?

-Yes, friends of mine from the site.

Here they are! You'll really get on.

Moanin' again!

Chris, JJ, this is John and Alan.

Now, Chris, be gentle with them.

They don't own a van!

What?

Sapristi bompetts, Eccles!

Whoa! Sapristi bompetts, Bluebottle!

THEY LAUGH

We do a lot of the Goon Show stuff.

Yes, many's the night they've spent round the fire pit,

conducting the entire conversations as Bluebottle and Eccles!

And people say there's nothing to do on campsites at night(!)

Why do we always get left to do the cooking?

Oh, it's the same every time we come here.

Trevor goes off doing some activity and I'm left to do the food.

It's not a holiday, is it?

It's outrageous, having to slave over a hot stove all afternoon.

We're always left in the background, aren't we?

Every woman on this campsite's the same -

looking after the chores while the men go off and have fun!

We're invisible, that's what it is.

Once you get to a certain age, you just blend into the background,

-don't you?

-That is not true, Carol.

We are not invisible.

Look at me, I'm still hanging it out there.

On a campsite.

I'm going to get the instructions for this awning.

She's a bit down, isn't she?

She needs a confidence boost.

Hello, ladies.

I'm Hakan.

My tent is too close, no?

No, no. It's fine.

You're not from round here, are you?

-I'm Swedish.

-Ah.

If you need help with anything, you let me know!

Do we just shout

or is there some kind of horn we have to blow to summon you?

See? Not invisible!

Keep going, you daft lump.

Oh! Come on, Bradley Wiggins.

I'm running out of memory here!

CRASH

It's OK!

There's no lasting damage!

Oh!

-We can't ride with those two.

-What do you mean?

They'll slow us down. It's survival of the fittest, Alan.

We shouldn't be in Leisure Riders. I'm going to get us upgraded to Advanced.

Why is it so important to come first?

-I just want to do the best we can.

-Yeah, well, I'm not doing it.

I'm not going into the Advanced group. Trevor won't keep up.

It's not fair on him, John. We have to think of his health.

Guess what!

Chris has got a spare static caravan!

We could come here every year!

Brilliant!

Kill me now.

Oh, we're stuck with the barbecue.

I can't get the oven going.

Didn't Trevor say there was a knack to it?

Trevor says a lot of things about this caravan.

-Oh!

-He's Swedish.

We should have introduced ourselves.

Hakan, this is Carol,

this is Joyce

and I'm Maureen, the baby of the group.

God dag!

God dag.

Trevligt att traffas.

Talar du svenska?

Ja, lite.

Vart kommer du fran?

Jag ar fran Stockholm.

I didn't know you spoke Swedish.

Oh, I was a huge ABBA fan.

# Jo, jo

# In Waterloo

# Napoleon fick ge sig. #

It's like our national anthem.

Do you want some help with that?

They can be a bit tricky to get started.

No, thanks. I'm OK.

That's very kind of you, Hakan.

We would love a little bit of help. Wouldn't we, Carol?

Det hade varit jattebra. Tack!

That's "yes".

We need some small wood.

Oh, I think we're out of small wood.

I'll gather some from the forest.

What do you think?

He's very friendly.

We don't need any help.

We're managing fine.

You've had a bag of charcoal open for an hour and nothing's lit yet.

He's very dashing.

I'd never be able to get Trevor to chop wood.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

You're both old enough to be his mother!

Big sister.

We're not flirting, we're just talking.

It's a meeting of minds.

-It's a cultural exchange. Isn't it, Carol?

-Exactly.

-We're cultured people.

-We are.

Forgot my bag.

Just because some lump turns up

and starts flashing his triceps at you.

Women of our age should have a bit more dignity.

I like your leather pants.

Ooh!

-Oh, thank you!

-JOYCE GIGGLES

It's just something I threw on earlier.

What?!

CHARIOTS OF FIRE THEME PLAYS

It's an emotional thing, saying goodbye to a caravan.

Is it?

Me and herself there were going to pop over last night

and help you say goodbye to the old girl, but we saw you were busy.

You know what they say,

"If the van's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'!"

Our boy Julian's doing the same route as us today.

He's up ahead somewhere, isn't he, dumpling?

Yes, he's in the advanced race. He's ever so fit.

Yeah, he takes after me.

I might not have a six-pack any more,

but I do actually have a HUGE anaerobic capacity.

Oh, it's absolutely massive.

There was a mix-up with the wristbands.

We're in the Advanced group.

Oh, does that mean we can't ride together?

I'm afraid so, Trevor.

Unless we get into the Advanced group.

I wouldn't want you to change your plans.

And I'm not an advanced rider, Chris.

No, of course not.

She Who Must Be Obeyed throws a spanner in the works again!

Damn!

Well, I suppose we'd better say goodbye, then.

We can meet up at the end, though.

Yeah, OK.

Sapristi bompetts!

Sapristi bompetts, yeah.

If you place the hickory down here on the first level,

the smoke will infuse the meat.

Mmm, sounds delicious.

So, what is it that you actually do, Hakan?

Apart from helping with barbecues.

I'm a student. I'm staying in England to study literature.

Oh, that's interesting!

We were just talking about books - weren't we, Joyce?

I'm also a stonemason and musician.

Traditional Scandinavian folk music.

I could show you my tagelharpa later.

It's a musical instrument.

I made it myself.

Oh, thank God for that.

-How long are you staying?

-I don't think of time.

It's part of the fabric of the universe,

like space and gravity.

You can't control it.

Useful for catching trains, though.

And now that I'm single again,

there's no reason to go back to Sweden.

Oh, you split up with your girlfriend?

Gunilla.

Is that her name, or... do you need a glass of water?

It was a very difficult time.

We were soul mates, really.

Well, maybe you'll get back together.

We were planning her birthday.

-It was a big one.

-Which one was it?

60.

Years?

I've always been attracted to older women.

Experience is a powerful aphrodisiac.

That's what Alan tells you - isn't it, Joyce?

Hurry up, Trevor.

We'll start getting lapped by people soon.

-Back me up here, John.

-Back you up on what?

If we let him buy that static,

we'll be coming here every weekend until we're dead.

-What's a static?

-A caravan with no wheels.

-That's a bungalow, isn't it?

-Exactly!

I mean, who has a spare caravan?

That guy Chris is clearly nuts... This is a cult, John.

We've got to rescue Trevor from a cult.

-It's just another caravan.

-"Just another caravan"?

That's like saying to a drug addict, "Oh, it's just another crack pipe."

He's just reached 65 and he's going to blow his pension pot.

We've got to stop him doing it.

Trevor won't spend the money, he's too cautious.

He takes out insurance on his insurance.

He's different when he's out here. It's like he's gone native.

Get out of the road, twat!

Hey, that was uncalled for.

Very!

Come back and say that to my face!

Shit.

He's bluffing.

-He's not bluffing.

-I think he is.

I think he isn't.

-Let's go.

-What about Trevor?

They won't touch him, he's got a CCTV camera on his head.

Oi, come here!

HE WHIMPERS

These are just some impressions of the surrounding woodland

-and then I screen-print them onto tea towels.

-They're very good.

I try to combine art and camping as much as I can.

It's a bit difficult, though.

You know, there's a folk and craft festival on in the village.

Ah, I'd love to go to more festivals with Trevor

but he's no good with mud.

It rained for a whole week in Bournemouth last year

and he got trench foot.

Very mildly,

but it was still upsetting for him.

I've travelled a lot.

Me and Gunilla saw many incredible things together.

The sunset over the great temple at Angkor Wat in Cambodia,

-wolves on the Athabasca Glacier in Canada.

-Oh!

One time, we even rode with wild horses of the Camargue.

Trevor's allergic to horse hair.

THUNDER RUMBLES

It's all very well offering to help,

but he's not doing much, is he?

He's a free spirit, Joyce.

A wandering craftsman.

Carol seems to be getting on all right with him, anyway.

It's good for her to have someone to talk to about her art.

I mean, we're never going to be enough for her, are we?

I suppose not.

I mean, I'm not exactly a culture vulture.

Nor am I.

To be quite honest with you,

I didn't enjoy her theatre trip last week.

-What theatre trip?

-You know, for...

For Trevor.

For his birthday.

When was that?

Last Thursday. I think you were busy.

I wasn't busy last Thursday.

You're always busy!

Not last Thursday.

Why didn't she ask me?

Well, perhaps she thought you wouldn't like the theatre.

You said yourself, you're not a culture vulture.

She knows I love culture!

I went with her to the cinema to see Mamma Mia.

Yeah, but she wanted to go to the theatre.

I've been to the theatre.

I went to the theatre 12 times last year.

What did you see?

Mamma Mia.

Look, just don't tell Carol.

I won't say anything,

I know how to behave.

Hakan says there's a folk-music festival in the village,

shall we go later?

I don't know if I'd understand it, Carol.

What do you mean?

I suppose I'd be all right, as long as it wasn't in a theatre.

She dragged it out of me.

-Where are we?

-THUNDER RUMBLES

It's fine, we're here on the GPS.

We keep in this direction and we're back on the race route.

I don't recognise this.

Hang on, this is a map of Dubai.

I forgot to reset it.

What was that?

Probably a camel.

Trevor, I don't think you should buy Chris' caravan.

-Why not?

-Well...

Has Carol said something?

-No.

-She'll be wanting a brand-new one, I expect.

She loves camping.

She'll want to invest properly in the next 20 years.

Yeah, it's not that.

It's just that, well, I don't think it's right for you.

Ah, I understand, Al. Don't worry.

-It's because I'm a big noise up here, isn't it?

-What?

You know, I wouldn't abandon you.

I mean, just because I'm incredibly popular on the site with these guys,

doesn't mean to say I won't still see you!

This is a cult, Trevor. You've been sucked into a cult.

It's Scientology on wheels.

Now, just hold on a minute, Alan.

I like spending my leisure time caravanning, what's wrong with that?

There are thousands of people like me all over the country.

-All over the world.

-Whose side are you on?

I don't mind admitting to that. I'm passionate about caravans.

There, I've said it.

My name is Trevor and I like caravans.

What do you like?

What do I like?

You've done nothing but moan all day about caravans and cycling.

At least we've got something we're interested in. What have you got?

-Yeah, what are your hobbies?

-I've got hobbies.

-What are they?

-I like walking.

-That's not a hobby, that's just moving around.

You don't do anything. At least we've got something we love.

Trevor loves caravans.

-I don't get it, but I respect it.

-Thank you, John.

Yes, it's full of weirdos and geeks, but that's fine.

OK, thank you!

You don't know how to spend your leisure time and you're taking your frustrations out on us.

I know how to spend my leisure time!

What did you do at the weekend?

-Took Joyce to the shops.

-Weekend before that?

Took Joyce to the shops.

-Weekend before?

-I did the gardening.

-And then?

Took Joyce to the shops.

You're a taxi driver. That's not a hobby.

You want to get a hobby of your own and stop interfering with ours!

He needed to be told.

Here we are, back on track.

It was just a mix-up, that's all.

I just didn't think you'd be that interested.

It was boring anyway!

Was it?

No, not...not boring.

Long.

Never judge a book by its cover, Carol.

Just because someone is glamorous,

-does not mean to say they can't be intellectual as well.

-Maureen...

Oh, it's true, Hakan.

I get it all the time.

I can't believe you guys are still arguing.

-We're not arguing, are we?

-We're not arguing.

-We're just talking.

-Loudly.

Then, what is the problem?

You must not worry what everyone else thinks about you.

Remember, experience brings independence and confidence,

and confidence is what makes us beautiful.

Oh, that's true.

Confidence is important.

-And hairspray.

-Obviously.

Maureen, you're a dazzling woman

with many hidden intellectual aspects.

See!

Carol, you're an amazingly cultural person

-with a beautiful, artistic soul.

-Oh!

And, Joyce...

..you're really good at preparing meat.

If you can't control your bikes,

-then you shouldn't be in the event.

-We were controlling our bikes!

You were in the middle of the bloody path.

-You could have caused an accident!

-AIR HISSES

All right, let's not get confrontational.

AIR HISSES

Look, it's not a social event.

It's for serious cyclists.

They are serious cyclists.

I know you take your cycling seriously,

and my friends take it seriously too,

but I don't, so blame me.

I can't see the point of it.

I feel ludicrous enough just being 68 years old

without drawing attention to myself by dressing up as a bruised banana

and riding around on a bicycle.

I know that's not a very positive attitude

but, as my friends have rightly pointed out,

I am a man without any interests.

A mean-spirited, shrivelled-up husk of a human being.

Quite frankly, sometimes, I wonder why I'm still drawing breath.

So, just for me,

can we all calm down

and get this ordeal over with

as quickly as possible?

HE PLAYS FOLK MUSIC

Bravo.

More!

That was mesmerising.

You are too kind.

It's called a tagelharpa.

It is our national instrument.

We're learning a lot today, aren't we?

Well, ladies, this is another very special liquor.

It's strong.

-Some say it is an aphrodisiac.

-Ooh!

-HE CHUCKLES

Skal!

Bottoms up!

Mmm.

This reminds me of Gunilla.

(Here we go.

(He's just sounding off, Joyce. He's looking for a mother figure.

(That makes me feel a lot better.)

Why do women leave?

Did you play her much tagelharpa?

I suppose we'd better just let him get on with it.

Carol won't like it.

You can't interfere in the internal workings of a marriage, Alan.

It's an organic thing.

It's budding and blossoming all the time.

The static caravan is just one of those buds -

it'll blossom, make Carol feel miserable for a bit

and it'll shrivel up again when they flog it after six months because she's bent his earhole back.

-He'll be happy while it lasts.

-Oh, exactly.

-Hello.

-How did you get on with Chris?

Oh, it was lovely.

Yes, we're so lucky to be able to spend time together doing these amazing things!

Well, he's a special guy, isn't he?

Julian didn't do so well, though.

He got a puncture. Actually, his friend got a puncture, too.

-Really?

-That's very unlucky.

Looks like you had fun, though.

Trevor's just showing Chris the video now.

Just some guys we had a run-in with!

That's Julian.

What, your Julian? Small world!

Hang on.

INAUDIBLE

# They did a bad, bad thing

# They did a bad, bad thing

# They did a bad, bad thing. #

So, we're all going to the folk festival tomorrow?

-Why not?

-Just us girls.

Ladies, I must leave you.

I have to use the lavatory.

Maureen, can I use your facilities?

Yeah, course you can.

Thank you, you are a very kind woman.

You are all very kind

and I hope my meat is to your liking.

What a nice man.

What meat's he talking about?

The barbecue!

Are you sure you won't reconsider?

I am not handing over a static treasure

like the Mirage 250 S Class to just anybody.

But that was Alan! I had no idea...

I'm sorry, Trevor, I always go by the old saying,

"By a man's friends shall ye judge him."

That's not a saying.

He makes up sayings all the time.

ALL the time!

He's driving me mad!

ALL: Trevor!

Oh! Hi, guys!

Hope you're hungry!

I don't know why you always make such a fuss about a barbecue,

it's a doddle!

"MAMMA MIA" BY ABBA BLARES

Hey, careful!

When the van's a-rockin', don't go a-knockin'!

I didn't know they were related!

Close the door! You're letting all the Swedishness out!

I've got some bad news.

I was thinking of replacing the caravan with Chris' old static, but I don't think it's going to happen.

-Oh, that's a shame.

-But I think I've got a deal on another one.

-No.

-I remember, there was a Cosalt Sandhurst Super 35,

in excellent condition...

-No!

-What?

I don't want a Sandhurst Super 35

or a...a Bella Vista CK20,

or anything else!

I am sick and tired of coming down here

and listening to you and your boring friends

going on about dimensions and decking and tow ratios!

I don't want to sit outside a stupid static caravan

until I die in my chair

and have to be carted off by the man who does the maintenance contract!

I want to stand on glaciers with wolves, Trevor.

I want to live!

I want to live, too!

I want to live!

I want to live!

I want to live!

Dumpling, where you going?

I'm going to find a glacier to stand on, you boring old fart!

And stop calling me "dumpling"!

Listen, next year, we can go to Glastonbury...

-or La Tomatina!

-La what?

It's a tomato festival in Spain.

Hakan's been telling me about it.

Who's Hakan?

This Swedish guy who's been helping us with the barbecue.

Hakan's tent's gone.

Where's the Winnebago?

It was here a minute ago. Hakan was in it.

-The Swedish guy?

-Yeah.

What's a Swedish guy doing in the Winnie?

He wanted to use the toilet.

You wouldn't let me use the toilet.

Wouldn't have happened with a static.

# Every woman, every man

# Join the caravan of love

# Stand up

# Stand up

# Stand up

# Everybody take a stand

# Join the caravan of love

# Stand up

# Stand up

# Stand up

# I'm your brother

# I'm your brother, don't you know?

# She's my sister... #