Farley Manor Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,

the capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me.

You like my suit?

Number one - Citizen Khan.

Where's Dad?

He's got a meeting with the council.

Something about electing a new town official?

BELL RINGS

Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!

Residents of the Khan household...

let it be known far and wide that on this day

the downstairs toilet is partially blocked!

Number ones only in there now, please!

Dad?

Let it also be known that I, Mr Khan,

am going to be Birmingham's new town crier!

If I can get the mayor and the council lot to agree.

God save the Queen!

Allahu akbar!

HE HAWKS

What are you doing?

Good, eh?

Imagine - your father, Mr Khan, community leader

and Birmingham's new town crier!

Like a proper Pakistani - two jobs.

Can you have a Pakistani town crier?

Of course, Birmingham's a Pakistani town!

I think it's a great idea, Papaji.

Thank you, Alia. Now, I just need to persuade the mayor.

I'm hoping to catch his eye at the council meeting later.

I think he'll probably notice you!

This council thing could lead on to bigger

and better things for you, Papaji.

The last town crier is now the Sheriff of Birmingham!

Ooh, I hate him. He's a baddie.

He tried to cancel Christmas!

That's the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Oh, yes. I have got so much to learn.

Maybe start with the alphabet?

Right, I'm off to the town hall.

Dad! Before Mum went to Bradford, you promised her you'd take us

all to Farley Manor!

Amjad's got his tour guide induction today.

He can catch the bus. And Alia has to go for her college project.

She can catch up. And Naani's been looking forward to it for ages.

She can get stu...

Dad!

Shazia, what is the point in your mother being away

if I'm going to have her Mini-Me in my lughole instead?

Fine, I'll call Mum and see what she has to say about it...

OK, OK, OK!

OK, Naani? All set? Ha?

Does this place have Wi-Fi?

Farley Manor is one of the oldest houses in the Midlands.

Parts of it date back to the Jacobean times.

Yeah, I know that. I'm doing a project on it.

What I'm asking is, did they have Wi-Fi in Jacobean times?

Oh...

Right, we're going to need these.

Dad, Mum's taken Baby Mo with her to Bradford for the weekend.

She's showing him off to all the Bradford aunties.

I know. Thank God he's had his tetanus jabs.

So we won't need those, will we?

They are for Naani.

Your mother said to make sure she doesn't get dehydrated.

And the reins? In case she gets lost.

Like the time she wandered off in Madame Tussauds.

She was there for two days before they realised she wasn't ET.

Phone home, phone home!

Come on, easy, come on...

HE CLICKS TEETH Easy, easy...

Dad, she's not a horse. Are you, Naani?

Neigh.

Are you excited about today, Naanijaan?

Ha. I want to see the India collection.

The what?

It's a collection of India's most interesting and beautiful objects.

Where do they keep that? In a matchbox?

There might be something there about Naani's father.

You know, she hardly knew him. He died when I was a little girl.

Apparently, he used to work for Lord Anstruther's

father in India during the Raj.

Oh, what did he do?

He helped on the big tiger shoots they used to have back then.

Oh, was he the guide?

No.

He was the bait.

All I remember is a gentle man, with a warm smile and kind eyes...

and only one arm.

Wouldn't it be great if we could find some record of him

at Farley Manor? Something to remind you of him.

Like what? A tiger with indigestion?

Dad! Come on, let's go.

Right.

HE SIGHS

Ah...

Ha-ha!

Ah, here we are!

The car park's that way. Oh, no, I know what I'm doing.

MAN SHOUTS: Oi! Oi!

Dad, you can't park in front of the house!

It's what we do at home, it's fine, Shazia.

Here we go. You can't park here, sir.

Yes, whatever, I'm a community leader, thank you!

You'll have to move your car, I'm sorry.

KHAN HAWKS

This is great!

Have you got everything, budhoo?

Yup. All prepared.

I'm going to write down detailed notes of everything

the tour guide says. You might want a pencil.

Oh, no!

How long is this tour going to take?

If we stay too long they might mistake Naani for an exhibit.

It won't be long.

I can't hang around Downton Abbaaay with these losers all day.

The council's meeting in an hour...

MAN: OK, my "Sunny Hill" ladies, let's stay together.

Hiya!

Assalaamu Alaikum.

Oh, isn't it great in here? I love history!

You've brought enough of it.

We're doing the gardens first and then the India Collection.

Are you Indian?

Certainly not! I'm totally different.

I'm Pakistani.

That's near enough! You're practically an expert!

ALL: Oh...!

I'll tell you about India. It's a dump!

There, that's all you need to know.

Come on, then, ladies, let's go and see the maze!

It's supposed to be a-maze-ing!

Hello, everyone!

Would you like to gather round for the tour of the house?

My name is Virginia Stewart.

Let me start by welcoming you all to Farley Manor.

Mr Khan. Community leader. They all know me.

Are you here for the tour?

No. He is.

My husband's doing a shadowing day -

he's applying to be a tour guide like you!

Well, you'd better take your pass and follow me.

Right, I'm off to see the mayor. Dad! How are we going to get home?

You promised Mum you'd look after Naani.

Shazia, I've promised your mother many things over the years,

I can't remember all of them! Dad...

Right, fine! I'll wait in there. Just hurry up! Huh!

I'm afraid you'll have to wait elsewhere.

They'll be setting up in there for the gala dinner tonight.

Setting up for the what? When?

The gala dinner.

To celebrate the opening of the manor to the public.

All the city council are coming. Even the mayor!

Maybe I'll come with you after all, huh? Help control the riffraff.

Righto. Are we ready to start?

Righto! Let's go, everyone, come on, listen to Miss Vaginia!

OK, we're good to go.

And here we have the largest of our staterooms,

which houses the India Collection....

ALL: Oooh!

Very good, very good.

The collection was started in 1790 by the second Lord Anstruther,

who was C in C of the 6th Madras Light Cavalry...

Oh, isn't this marvellous, uh? "I love India, yaa, ya, ya."

Really?

Oh, what do have we here?

No, you mustn't touch the exhibits...

This must be Gandhi's rice bowl, uh?

He was always on hunger strike.

That's why it's so clean!

Don't write that down.

Mr Khan, please...

Hey, listen, Virginity... This Birmingham Gala Dinner,

you can't have a dinner without inviting an

upstanding member of the Pakistani community.

So, come on, how much?

?5? ?7.50 - put me next to the mayor.

I don't really deal with social events...

My grandmother wants to know if there's any record of her father here.

What? He used to work for the Anstruthers on the tiger hunts.

Maybe there's a photo in the collection?

I very much doubt it.

The photographs are only of the important people.

So, you're saying my great-grandfather's not important?

Yes.

I mean, not in that way...

Eldest daughter. Just ignore her, that's what I do.

How did they get all this stuff, anyway?

Lord Anstruther's ancestors ACQUIRED it during their time in India.

Stole it, you mean.

Ladoo! Lord Anstruther's relations weren't thieves.

Or were they?

Certainly not.

Does anyone else have a question?

Ah, Alia - good daughter.

This one's very clever. Always studying.

She loves her history and so forth.

Yes?

There's no Wi-Fi in here.

No.

What, not anywhere?

I`I think there might be free Wi-Fi in the cafe and gift shop area, but...

Probably going to do her homework.

HE HAWKS

Maybe you should go as well, ladoo?

Fine.

Bye-bye.

Sorry about all this, Lady Virgin.

Please, don't mention it to the Lordliness when you see him, huh?

Perhaps we should move on.

Good idea!

This way, everybody...

Come on, jala, jala. Jala, jala, come on, come on.

SHE SHOUTS

What? What is it? Toilet.

Couldn't you have gone before?

Can't you hold it until the end?

Nah. Right. Come on.

HE HAWKS

Oh!

Oh, twaddi, I think this is where the lord lives.

Oh, quickly! No.

All right, maybe there's a toilet in here.

MAN SNORES

Hai!

Shhhh! Just leave the tea on the table, Dorothy.

IMITATES WOMAN'S VOICE: Very good, your Lordliness.

HE HAWKS

You're not Dorothy.

No. Nor is she.

No.

Who are you, then? And what are you doing in my private apartments?

Mr Khan, community leader, your Lordfulness.

So sorry to barge in on you.

I was just looking for somewhere for my mother-in-law to perform her evacuations.

Oh, I see.

Well, then, you'll need to go back out

and right to the very end of the corridor,

and then down some stairs... SHE GROANS

She is quite desperate.

Oh, well, in that case, there's one just through there.

Juldi kara, go on.

HE CLEARS THROAT

HE HAWKS

HAWKS LOUDER

How do you like the house?

Oh, it's very nice. I particularly enjoyed the Pakistani room.

Eh? Oh, you mean the India Collection.

You say potato, I say aloo gobi!

Quite. We're very proud of it,

of course, we keep all the best stuff in here, out of harm's way!

Good idea. I do the same thing in my house. Oh, really?

Oh, yes. I hide all the custard creamies in my sock drawer.

Here, have a look at this.

Hang on, that looks like a lota.

We use that to wash our buttocks!

Exactly right. It's a water vessel used for personal cleansing.

What do you think?

You want me to take it in for her?

There's really no need, she's fine with paper these days.

No, no, no. What I mean is -

you'd never guess that this little pot was the most

valuable item in the house, would you?

It used to belong to the great Shah Jahan himself.

Vah! Really?!

Imagine the famous bottoms this has seen over the centuries!

Do be careful with it.

Don't worry, I've seen them

do this on the Antiques Roadshow with Fiona Brucie!

There we are. Thank you.

All safe and sound.

CLANG

Noooo!

I got it!

I got it. Thank goodness!

Lucky I was here, huh?

Yes.

There's no need to thank me.

Oh, right.

I mean, if there's anything I can do...

Invite me to the gala dinner tonight?! Sorry?

Invite me to the gala dinner. Put me next to the mayor.

I want him to make me town crier. Really?

Oh, yes, if we Muslims can do call to prayer,

we can do call to car-boot sale, too!

I see.

Well, I suppose it might be appropriate to have an

"authentic" presence.

A real taste of the old Punjab!

Exactly. Show that you're "down with the brown"!

That's very good!

There's plenty more where that came from!

Then, I'll add your name to the guest list.

Oh, excellent!

K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.

Jolly good.

All better?

I will see you later, won't I?

I'm looking forward to it.

What do you say to his Lordfulshipness?

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

She says, "I'd give it five minutes, if I were you."

Virginia said I did really well. I might even get the job.

Well done, budhoo. Baby Mo will be so proud.

Guess who is going to the gala dinner tonight?!

Wait, I know this...

It's me! I got a personal invitation from the Lord Anstruther himself!

What do you think of that?

That's amazing, Papaji! You're so aristocratic and that!

Thank you, beti! Can I come?

Unfortunately not.

So, come on, let's get you home, so I can grab my crier clappers

and bell ends and be back here in time for the big shindig!

Such a shame we didn't find anything out about Naani's father.

It would have been fantastic to get her something to remember him by.

I'll get her something from here. Anything she wants.

As long as it's no more than 99p.

See anything you like?

Nay.

Oh... How about some soap?

What's going on?

Eh? What have you got in your bag?

Nothing. Let me see.

Nay. Go on.

Nay!

Dad! Shazia, you can't be too careful.

Remember the incident with the packet of dusters?

I still can't show my face in Robert Dyas.

Give it to me! Let's see what you've got in it this time.

Hai!

What's that?

It looked like a lota.

It is a lota. It's Lord Anstruther's prize bum washer!

Oh, no! How did she get that?

She's stolen it from his private apartments!

Brilliant!

Naani, you can't take things that don't belong to you.

Does belong to me. What?

Was in my family for generations. British stole it.

Rubbish. Why would the British want something covered in 200 years

of your family's botty backwash?

She's taking back what's rightfully hers.

This is like Sparkhill's Elgin Marbles!

Lost her marbles, more like.

It's not hers!

It is! My grandfather told me about it.

He described it to me exactly.

And did he say it was made in the 16th century

and inlaid with jade and precious stones?

Oh, my mistake.

What are we going to do?

We'll just have to turn her in.

You get a reduced sentence if you confess.

Naani can't go to prison!

Don't worry, Alia. She'll get her own room and three meals a day.

It's like a retirement home but with fewer day trips.

Why don't we just leave it on the side somewhere?

They'll still know who took it.

Fingerprints, you see.

Ha! And it's covered in yours.

What?

No gala dinner for you.

Right, I'll just have to put it back before anyone notices.

Amjad, I'll need your help. I was going to get the novelty soap.

Amjad, just come on!

Right, follow me.

Why do I have to come, sir? I need your pass to get in.

Oh, no...

Amjad, you want to be in the Guides, don't you?

What?

Tour guide - show me round!

Sorry, sir, this part of the house is restricted.

You can't come in here without an official tour guide.

I've got one.

Amjad...

Very good, sir. Hiya!

Thank goodness we caught you. I thought we'd missed the tour!

Oh, twaddi!

Come on...

Hurry up, choppity chop.

Is this the India Collection, then? No.

Oh, only, we really wanted to see the India Collection.

Didn't we, ladies?

ALL: Yes. We did. That's why we came...

Shhhh! It's a special bit of the India Collection

in Lord Anstruther's private apartments.

Ooh! Are we in the private apartments?

Yes.

ALL CHATTER

Chupah!

Does he not know we're in here?

Yes, of course he does.

Then, why do we have to be quiet?

Because...

Because of the animals.

What animals?

Tigers! ALL: Tigers!

No! Forget the tigers. There's no tigers.

OK? Now, everyone just stay here and be quiet. Hm?

OK...

What about the lota?

What? Isn't there supposed to be a lota?

That belonged to the Shah Jahan?

The most valuable thing in the collection?

Is there?

Yes. Perhaps our guide knows where it is?

I never touched it!

Pardon?

Nothing.

Amjad, why don't you tell all the nice ladies about the interesting artefacts, uh?

What? While I do the other thing.

Oh, yes.

Could you tell us anything about the history of the collection?

Not really.

Right, why don't we go over here?

Here we have a very interesting thing.

A suit of armour.

Yes. A suit of armour.

You got one armour there, and one armour here.

Why don't we look at some other stuff?

Oh. Oh, look.

Here we have a china doggy thing.

And a goldy clocky thing.

And a silver boxy thing...

We really wanted to see the lota.

Well, you can't. Why can't we?

Why can't they?

The zip's stuck!

It must be here somewhere. Where would you keep a lota?

In the toilet?

Brilliant! What?

They keep it in the toilet.

Alongside the Shan Jahan's favourite can of lavender air freshener.

Come on, then, ladies.

Come on...

That's it.

Right, give it to me.

Come on, come on...!

VOICES APPROACH Sir, someone's coming!

Oh... I think they went this way.

This will do.

No, sir! I'm sorry!

For the bag, you idiot.

KHAN GRUNTS

Oh!

There we are. Easy peasy.

I can't see the lota in here.

Amjad.

Oh!

Right. Right...

CLATTER

SMASH

What on earth is going on?!

(Clumsy.)

I'm sorry you've had your day ruined, ladies.

We had no idea. They said they were the official tour guides.

Just one guide.

Well, I'm actually just a trainee.

Not any more. You mean, I've passed?

Hardly.

Oh.

Come on, ladies, if we're quick we can still catch the

Afghan rug exhibition at the Black Country Museum.

What's going on, budhoo?

You all need to leave. Immediately.

What? Why?

I scarcely know where to begin.

Let me help you.

You lot need to clear off before you embarrass me in front of the mayor.

You have to leave as well.

Not me!

I'm going to be rubbing the elbows at the gala dinner tonight!

You seriously expect me to believe that?

Hello, what's all this?

Oh, nothing, Your Lordship. These people were just leaving.

Ah, Khan! There you are.

Hello, lordy lordy!

I do like your Scottish man dress.

Yes, well, my family were originally Scottish.

Then, we have a lot in common.

Hmm? Well, I'm an immigrant, too!

Oh, quite.

Well, the dinner guests will be arriving any minute.

Oh, spliffing news, Your Worship.

And I've put you between the mayor and Noddy Holder.

Perfect!

This man is a fraudster and a vandal. Mr Khan?

I don't know what she's talking about

He impersonated a tour guide...

That was him.

Then he snuck into your private apartments and wreaked havoc!

What? Only because she stole the lota! Dad!

But it's true! Khan...?

Let me explain. There was a little bit of a hullabaloo...

But now it's all tickety-boo...

What about the lota...?

Don't worry. Your prized bum washer is back where it belongs.

Well done, again, Khan, old boy.

Dad, are you just going to abandon us?

Shazia. Let's think about this.

Go home with you or stay here and rub my elbow on some big nobs?

Come on, old boy.

Why don't I give you a quick preprandial in the billiard room?

OK, but can we have a drink first?

ANSTRUTHER CHUCKLES

Off you go, then.

Don't worry, we're going. We don't want to stay here anyway.

This house was built on cultural oppression

and the exploitation of thousands of innocent people!

Yeah. And your Wi-Fi's rubbish. Just a moment.

Oi! What are you doing?

I want to make sure she hasn't got anything else.

How dare you! Leave her alone!

You can't do that! Step back, please, sir.

Papaji! Take your hands off the bag!

I was talking to you.

Is everything all right, Khan, old chap?

I'm afraid not, even older chap.

This woman has been looking down her nose at us from the start.

Oh, I know, she's frightful, isn't she?

What?

So, I'm sorry, lord of the manners, I can't come to your gala din-dins tonight.

We Khans have to stick together.

Oh, are you sure I can't persuade you to stay?

Because Noddy is going to be so disappointed.

No. I'm sorry. It may be a gala dinner full of important

and powerful people, but my family needs me.

And I'd rather be with them than with the best people in the world.

I wanted to be a good father to Baby Mo, show that I'm clever.

Maybe I should buy a book on it?

Good idea, you can get him to read it to you.

You're already a good father, budhoo.

You love him and you'll always be there for him.

That's all he needs. That's true.

I wish my father had been there for me.

Oh...

Here.

Eh?

It's an old photo. It's all black-and-white and that.

Lord Anstruther gave it to me.

It looks like one of those old tiger hunts.

Ha. And look there.

The man - standing to the side, with his arm crossed.

Is that Naani's dad?!

Papaji!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my hero!

Please. It was nothing.

Not you.

My daddy.

I'm really proud of you, Dad, you did the right thing.

Lord Anstruther will respect you for putting family first.

And there will be other chances for you to be town crier.

You know what, Shazia, you're right.

Now we're chummy chummy, I'll do the chitty chatty with the lordy lordy.

And he'll have a wordy wordy with the mayor,

and he'll invite us both over for a garibaldi and a nice cup of tea!

I don't think so, Papaji.

Why not?

Naani nicked his teapot.

Heh!

Oh, twaddi, oh, twaddi, oh, twaddi!

CRASH

# There's nothing you can do that can't be done

# Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game

# It's easy