Family Photo Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,

the capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me.

Do you like my suit?

Number one...

Salaam aleikum, peeps!

Welcome to my vlog - "Alia need to know".

I'm getting some professional photos done later, so I thought

it would be a good chance to post a quick make-up tutorial as well.

Hello, beti!

Oh, hi, Papaji.

Are you laying another log?

I'm posting a vlog.

Exactly.

It's about being a good Muslim and going to the mosque

and respecting your parents, especially your father.

Such a good girl. Right, I'm off to the bathroom.

-Make sure no-one disturbs me, eh?

-Yes, Papaji.

So, I like to use this brush to put on my eye make-up.

I start by putting a bit on the brush, then carefully...

LOUD THROAT CLEARING COMING FROM BATHROOM

So you start from the side...

MORE LOUD THROAT CLEARING

So, you start...

EXTENDED THROAT CLEARING

Ah! That's got it.

Listen, don't take long getting ready.

We need to make sure we get the family photo over quickly.

I want to get a load of pictures of just me, Amjad and Baby Mo.

Er, don't think so. I'm going to get some head shots done,

for, like, if I want to be a model and that.

-Well, that's not happening.

-Yes, it is.

-I've arranged it with Mum.

-Papaji!

Alia wants to use Naani's photoshoot to get loads of pictures of herself.

Good idea. We can't get enough pictures of the beautiful daughter.

Thanks, Papaji.

But I want to get some of just me, Amjad and Baby Mo.

All lying on the floor, in a line, with our legs in the air.

I think it'd look nice.

I think you'd look like chickens in a halal butcher's window.

I need a strong, young man to help me.

I need a strong, young man to help me.

-I can help you.

-No, you can't.

-Why not?

-You've got a bad back.

-Yes, but...

And a bad knee and arthritis in your elbow.

I'm still pretty fit, though.

Haan, it's true, he is.

You see - Naani thinks I'm fit.

Oh, sorry, I thought you said fat.

Ah, here he is.

-Hello, sir.

-Hello, Amjad.

Vah! Look at those muscles! How do you get so strong, beta?

I do a lot of weights in the gym.

Plus, diet is important. I eat a lot of bananas.

I'm just as strong as he is.

Beta, can you help me move this screen?

Where shall I put this?

Here, give it to me.

Hai!

What is it?

My back's gone again! It's locked!

-Amjad, help him.

-OK.

Be careful!

Don't worry, sir. Community Support Officers are trained in first aid.

Just try and relax.

-OK, after three.

-OK.

-Three!

-Aargh!

Aaaargh!

-Are you OK, sir?

-I'm fine!

What the flippin' twaddi's in this thing, anyway?

It's for our family photos.

I took a few things from the loft

and I borrowed this from the community centre.

Naani wants the photos taken

and we're going to have them done properly in a studio this time.

But I'm the man of the house, I always take the family photos.

Yeah, but we want them to look nice.

I took all the ones for Naani's 70th birthday.

And she wasn't in any of them.

I know. Perfect!

He looks like an old man!

You two look like an advert for Pakistani PG Tips!

-Hiya.

-Hello, beti.

That's not for the photo, is it?

Haan, what do you think?

I thought we were going to have an all-white background.

Make it look clean and modern.

We don't want that pile of dusty old tat in it.

I agree, but she is your grandmother.

Where is my beautiful grandson?

He's asleep in his pram in the hall.

Please don't wake him up. He's been so grumpy lately.

We can't even get him to smile at the moment.

Every time I say anything, he just growls.

I know how he feels.

Maybe he's teething.

It's often painful when they get new teeth, isn't it?

Ah, I remember when Naani got her new ones.

She left them out on the bathroom floor.

Almost bit my bloomin' toe off!

-Do you think he'll smile for the photo?

-I hope so.

It's going to be so nice!

We haven't had a proper family photo with us and Naani and Baby Mo.

Four generations all together.

And who knows when we'll get another chance?

Some of us are getting on a bit.

Oh, right.

Not me!

Oh, I must get Amjad to put this blind up.

I said I would do it.

That was four months ago

I'm a busy man.

HE SLURPS

Ahh!

Beti, what's that?

It's from the council, for Baby Mo's school.

We're putting his name down for Woodfield School in Edgbaston.

But he's only nine months old.

You have to get their names down early, Mum.

It's the best school in Birmingham.

Excellent. They've got a very good cricket team.

He'll end up playing for England!

I thought you wanted him to play for Pakistan.

Beti! The England team will all BE Pakistani by then.

So, will he get in?

I don't know. They've got a huge waiting list.

-And we're not even in the catchment area.

-Then move.

We can't afford to move to Edgbaston.

Then lie. Cheat. Steal someone else's place.

This is what responsible parents do.

-Dad!

-Chup! You don't understand. This is how the world works.

Leave it to me. I'll sort it out.

No. I don't want you getting involved.

If you try and cheat, they'll find out and then he'll never get in.

Everyone cheats. It's just, we Pakistanis do it better.

-Please, Dad, don't....

-Chup! I'm the king of this castle.

Just stay out of it. It's got nothing to do with you.

Why doesn't anyone let me do anything around here?

I'll get Amjad to put the form in and we'll keep our fingers crossed.

Haan, Amjad will do it, just like he's going to sort out my blind.

Amjad!

MOCKINGLY: Amjad! Amjad!

I said I would do it!

What are you doing? Get down.

Stop fussing.

-Dad!

-Be careful!

-Take the nets down.

-Chup!

Ahh!

Oh, God. OK, it's OK, don't worry.

HE MUTTERS

There we go. Look, that's it.

Now, this side...

CRACKING Hai!

Mera back!

Oh, no! Amjad!

What? No-o-o-o!

Oh, my God!

Did you want me for something?

It's OK. Dad's sorted it.

Mrs Khan made me get this from the community centre

and now Shazia's making me take it back to the community centre.

I don't know why we have to go to all this trouble

just for a photo, sir.

Because it's for our wives, Amjad.

We married men have to support our wives

in all their hopes and aspirations.

-If not...

-They'll feel emotionally unfulfilled?

They'll be like a foghorn in your ear till the day you die.

You've gathered so much wisdom in your long life, sir.

It's not that long.

-You're such a great role model for younger people.

-That's true.

Like I always say - if you do as I do, you won't go far wrong.

-BOTH:

-Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.

-Waleikum assalam, Riaz.

Hello, Dave.

Salaam aleikum, Amjad.

Hello, Dave.

How's things at home?

Not so good. My wife's not an easy woman to live with.

So people tell me.

-What's all this?

-Oh, it's for later on.

The council are using the hall for a job interview.

What's the job? Noddy need new bus driver?

There's a vacancy for a road patrol and child safety officer

in Edgbaston on Woodfield Lane.

-A road patrol and child safety officer?

-That's right.

Isn't that a lollipop man?

They don't like to use that sort of terminology these days.

It's seen as trivialising what is, after all, a very responsible position.

Do you have to carry a lollipop?

Yes.

Lollipop! It's a funny word!

It IS a funny word.

-Lollipop!

-THEY BOTH GIGGLE

Imagine being a lollipop man. What kind of loser would do that?

THEY BOTH GIGGLE

-I would.

-What?

-I'm going to apply.

-What time are the interviews?

-Later today, but...

Why do you want to be a lollipop man, sir?

-I don't.

-But you just said that...

You see, Amjad, this is the difference

between me and the rest of you.

Dave here talks about a lollipop man on Woodfield Road

and all you can do is giggle about the word "lollipop".

-HE LAUGHS

-Stop saying it!

Whereas I hear the word "opportunity".

He didn't say "opportunity", did he?

Not literally, you idiot.

Look, think about it. A lollipop man in Edgbaston.

-Right...

-On Woodfield Road.

-Right.

-And which school is on Woodfield Road?

Woodfield School?

So, whoever gets the job will become the lollipop man for...

Woodfield School!

There you go.

-I still don't follow you.

-Ohh...

That's because he hasn't got his lollipop yet!

Oh, right

Look, Amjad, we want Baby Mo to get into Woodfield School, right?

Right.

So, I become the lollipop man,

do the mingling and the shingling with the headmaster.

Hey presto!

Mr Khan's your grandad and Baby Mo's got his place.

That's brilliant, sir! Shazia's going to be so happy.

Oh, wait, she said she didn't want you to get involved.

Then we won't tell her.

Once it's all sorted, she'll be happy as Barry.

I don't know, sir. It all sounds a bit dodgy.

Amjad, there is nothing dodgy

about a grown man hanging around outside a school with a lollipop.

DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Hang on a minute. You can't be sure you'll get the job.

It's a lollipop man's job - I think I'll be OK.

Have you got any experience of being a lollipop...

a road patrol and child safety officer?

I can cross the road.

It's not just crossing the road. There's a lot more to it.

-How do you know?

-I'm involved in the interview process.

-As what?

-I'm the impartial observer.

I'm there to make sure the process is completely fair and unbiased.

Perfect! You can make sure I get it.

Yeah, that's not really how an impartial observer works.

Well, it doesn't matter. It's only a lollipop man's interview.

How hard can it be?

Especially for someone as young and as fit as I am.

-If anything, I might be too young.

-What do you mean?

Well, usually, these lollipoppies are oldies, aren't they?

I hope they don't hold it against me.

-Ooh!

-You see? This is what I was trying to tell you, Mr Khan.

Nowadays, these jobs are a lot more demanding.

There's traffic management, first aid.

And the council has an obligation

to make sure all candidates are physically fit.

I AM physically fit.

-What about your back?

-Apart from that.

-And your knee, and your elbow...

-Look!

I might have a few aches and pains,

but I think I can get through an interview

and a few questions on the Highway Code.

And a fitness test.

Oh, twaddi!

MUSIC: Rocky theme

Steady... Go!

You're doing it! Yes!

SQUELCH!

..49, 50.

Baby Mohammad!

CRACKING Hai! Oh!

This is how I do my hijab.

BABY MO CRIES

Oh, my days! What's going on?

Mum and Naani are trying to cheer him up.

It's not working.

-Really?

-Maybe you shouldn't come to the studio.

Naani won't want pictures of a miserable baby.

Well, she doesn't want 500 versions of you doing your pouty face either.

-I have to get my pictures done.

-No way!

-We'll ask Naani.

-Fine.

-Naanijaan?

-Haan.

-Can I use the photoshoot to get some pictures for my website?

-Haan.

But I want to get some of just me and Amjad with Baby Mohammad.

-SHE SPEAKS URDU

-We can't both do it.

You must have what you want.

But then there won't be time to do the big family photo.

-No matter.

-Don't you want to have a picture with us all in?

-Haan.

-You with Baby Mo.

-Haan.

-Me and Alia.

-Haan.

-Mum.

-Haan.

-And Dad.

-Heh!

As long as I have you young people.

What about you, Naani? You have to be in it.

Nahin. Who wants to see a picture of me with my old wrinkly face?

BOTH: We do!

-And your face isn't wrinkly.

-No. It's beautiful.

You do your shots. Forget about mine.

No, you do yours. It's fine.

-Maybe if we're quick, we can do them both.

-Yes.

-Definitely.

So, is your vlog really popular?

Some of it.

I got 200 views for my make-up tips, 300 for my hijab tips,

and 10,000 for the one where Dad walks past in his underpants.

NO SOUND FROM LAPTOP

This is it, Amjad. I'm fighting fit and raring to go.

Riaz! What are you doing here?

-I'm here for the lollipop man job.

-What? Why?

You made it sound like a very attractive career move.

Not for you!

Ohh!

Ah!

Look at those three blokes over there.

I'll make a better lollipop man than any of them.

Have you ever done anything like this before, sir?

Once, back in Pakistan.

I used to drive the village bus. I had a very good safety record.

No accidents?

No. Just one near miss.

We were going along a very tricky dirt road in Rawalpindi.

It was very hot and dusty. Visibility was down to a few metres.

Suddenly, we turned a corner and I was faced with a low bridge.

Oh, no!

It was too late to turn back, so I put my foot down and went for it.

What happened?

We made it, with just a few inches to spare!

So, everyone was OK?

Yes.

Apart from the ones on the roof.

What?

Second class tickets - you get what you pay for.

This interview is going to be a piece of cake.

-Are you good at interviews, sir?

-Of course I am!

What's the one thing you need to remember for interviews?

Your name.

No! Make sure your flies are done up.

Are my flies done up?

No.

Oops!

We don't want anyone looking in there, do we?

No, sir.

-Hello there.

-ALL: Hello.

Assalam aleikum!

You're all here for the child safety support officer position?

That's right. All present and correct.

Flies done up.

Mr Khan, is it?

That's right. K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.

Right, well, I'd like to formally welcome you all, and to say that

Sparkhill Borough Council is an equal opportunities employer.

Bingo! We're in!

We welcome all applications regardless of race, colour,

nationality, religious beliefs...

Cheerio!

..and gender.

Blimey!

Looks like we've got competition.

But if I've only got her/him to beat, we're laughing!

Good luck, sir!

Right, well, if you'd like to follow me.

Mr Khan, I'm not sure what you're trying to do is entirely ethical.

MOCKING, WHINEY VOICE: "I'm not sure what you're trying to do

"is entirely ethical."

Listen, Dave, I need to do this.

I'm the head of the household.

I need to show that I'm still in charge,

that I'm still king of my castle.

Otherwise, I'll become some sad loser

that everyone just ignores or laughs at.

You know what I'm talking about, don't you?

What, because I'm king of my castle, too?

No, Dave, because you're a ginger.

OK.

First, we're going to run through basic road traffic awareness.

Mr Khan, would you show us your road crossing technique?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Neee-ooow!

Neee-ooow!

Nee... Urrrgh!

HE MUTTERS

That's not how you cross the road.

It is in Sparkhill!

You wait for a break in traffic

and you walk slowly to the middle of the crossing and stop.

Now, does anyone know what this technique is called?

Suicide?

Partial crossing.

This allows the cars to see you and to slow down to a halt.

-They won't see you round here.

-Why not?

Lots of Bangladeshis, they can't see over the wheel.

We don't condone any kind of racist stereotyping.

It's not racist! They're just a little bit teeny tiny.

-Mr Khan!

-I'm listening.

Fitness is also important.

Crossing users may require physical assistance.

I'm stronger than that lot.

Now, I have a dummy to demonstrate.

Right, is it the one in the middle?

Oh, I see.

Yeah, now, these things are incredibly expensive

and I'd appreciate it if you would treat them very, very gently,

Yes, be careful!

Carry on.

OK.

Let's suppose our child is on his way to school...

-Hang on. How old is he supposed to be?

-What?

He's looks a bit well developed for primary school.

Mind you, my cousin Farooq

had a fully grown beard by the time he was seven.

Obviously, you have to use your imagination.

-No problem.

-So, our child is on his way to school...

-Woodfield School?

-What?

-Is it Woodfield School?

-Doesn't matter what school.

-Yes, it bloomin' does!

OK, it's Woodfield School.

Great! You see, Dave? I told you it would work.

I'm an impartial observer.

Whatever!

OK, now, let's imagine you're on duty

and our child needs to use the crossing.

Oh! He's dropped his bag in the middle of the road.

There's books and pens everywhere! What are you going to do?

Ah, Mr Simpson, how are you? That is a lovely suit!

Hm? Ha-ha-ha, that's very funny!

Mr Khan!

-I'm talking to the headmaster.

-What?

He's about to give my grandson a place at the school.

There's no-one there!

You said to use your imagination!

This child is in a hazardous situation.

You need to get him to safety as quickly as possible.

Fine! Off you go, sonny.

Don't worry. I'll fix it.

Right, I...I really think we should move on.

Anger management is an essential skill for the child's safety...

CRASHING It's OK, I've almost got it.

Anger management is an essential...

-It's an essential skill...

-MORE CRASHING AND SQUEAKING

-..for the child safety...

-It's OK, I'm almost there.

-Anger management...

-Ah, nearly had it!

Leave it!

Please.

Just leave it.

Road rage incidents are becoming increasingly common.

You might have to diffuse situations with difficult drivers.

So, um, Yvonne, if you'd like to be the driver, and...

Me!

Right. So, Yvonne is at the crossing and she's getting irritated.

Beep, beep!

Beep, beep. Hurry up!

All right, calm down, my darling!

Don't call me darling.

Yes. You absolutely must not use sexist language.

-I'm not being sexist.

-It's patronising and demeaning to women.

Oh, right. Sorry, sweetheart.

-What?

-We are very sorry.

Forget it. It's a generational thing. He's old, so...

I'm not old!

Right, I really think it's time for somebody else to have a turn.

Get off my lollipop! Get off it!

OK, so this is the final part of the test.

It's practical, so we can throw anything at you

to see how you'll cope.

Who wants to go first?

THROAT CLEARS

Mr Khan.

I'm ready!

Right, well, off you go.

ENGINE STARTS

Stop! Children! TYRES SCREECH

Come on, go on!

Oh, no! One of the children has fallen over.

-Now, please be careful with the dummy.

-Chillax.

Hai! Mera knee!

No, no, no. You shouldn't move the victim.

I can't get down there!

HORN TOOTS

Keep your hair on, Riaz, I've got an injured child in the road!

I'm late for work. I've got an important meeting with a client.

You're a funeral director. It's not as if he's going anywhere!

HORN TOOTS

Here, hold this.

HORN TOOTS

Agh!

Riaz, stop tooting. You're supposed to be on my side.

I'm trying to make it realistic.

-And you should be looking after the casualty.

-OK, fine.

CRACKING

Well, go on, then.

-I can't.

-Why not?

My back's gone again! I can't move.

Don't worry. You stay where you are. I'll move.

What?

Mr Khan!

Hold on!

Right, just try reversing a bit. It might free it up.

OK.

Aaargh! Slow down! Slow down!

It's not Police! Camera! Action!

Hai! Hai!

HE YELPS IN PAIN

TYRES SCREECH

Argh! Right, go forward!

HE GROANS IN AGONY

Stop the car, stop the car!

Stop the car!

Where are you going?

I forgot to get the milk.

-Is he smiling yet?

-No. I've tried everything.

Well, try harder. I'm not having family photos

with him looking like someone's just run over Iggle Piggle.

OK.

# There's a worm at the bottom of the garden

# And his name is Wiggley Woo..."

HE TOOTS INSTRUMENT

BABY MO CRIES

So, I'll say, "One, two, three, jump!"

and we all jump up and he takes the picture.

Like that.

SHE SPEAKS URDU

I haven't jumped since 1973.

And don't forget your father's got a bad back.

Where is he, anyway? We've only got the studio for an hour.

DOOR SLAMS

Papaji! Where've you been?

-He's been at the community centre, haven't you, sir?

-No.

It's all right, you can tell them now you've got the job!

-Quiet, Amjad!

-What have you done?

He got the job at Woodfield School

so he can get the shingles with the headmaster!

I told you not to do that!

She told you not to do that!

Heh! Idiot!

-Did you know about this?

-Yes.

But it's all going to work out fine and you'll be happy.

-Tell them, sir.

-I can't.

What do you mean?

-I didn't get the job.

-What?

In fact, they banned me from going near the school.

But Baby Mo can still go.

No, they banned him as well.

-In fact, they banned the whole family.

-Oh, my God!

What happened, Papaji?

-I don't want to talk about it.

-But you hurt your back!

I don't want to think about it.

Well, you'd just better straighten yourself out.

-We're practising our poses for the photos.

-I don't want to be in it.

Papaji! It's a family photo. We need the whole family.

This family doesn't need me any more. You go ahead without me.

Don't be like that.

I'll only ruin it.

I'm too old.

No-one thinks you're old.

-And I'm too fat.

-No-one thinks you're fat.

I do.

I'm too old and I'm too fat and I'm no use to anyone any more.

That's not true.

It is true! I couldn't even put the poxy blinds up.

-Now you're just being silly.

-Am I? Am I?

I'm Mr Khan.

Man of the house.

I'm supposed to provide for my family.

But look at me! Back hurts. Leg hurts.

I've got grey hairs in beard.

And I can't even get my own grandson into his school,

because I'm too bloomin' old and too bloomin' fat

to be a bloomin' lollipop man!

You might as well take me out the back and shoot me!

BABY MO GIGGLES

Oh, my God!

You see? Even the boy's laughing at me.

-I can't believe it! He's laughing.

-BABY MO LAUGHS

-How did you do that?

-Do what?

He hasn't smiled all day, sir. Nobody could make him smile.

He always smiles for me.

-Ah, there! You see?

-Hm?

There's something you can do for your grandson

that no-one else can do.

Ah, come here, little man.

You always smile for me, don't you?

Yes, you do. Yes, you do!

CRACKING Hai!

Mera back! Hai!

Quick, take the photos!