Local Hero Citizen Khan

Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham -

the capital of British Pakistan.

They all know me.

He likes my suit.

LAUGHTER

Number one, Citizen Khan.

Pride of Birmingham Awards 2015.

Entry for Mr Khan, Community Leader.

WHISPERING: Go on, Riaz!

-IN BORED VOICE:

-Mm. Salted peanuts.

My favourite.

Oh, no. I'm choking.

HE PRETENDS TO COUGH

LAUGHTER

-Oh, no! It looks like you

-are

-choking!

Don't worry, stranger in my kitchen.

I, Mr Khan, community leader of number 22 Malvison Road, Sparkhill,

will save you!

Come on!

Don't you dare die on me!

I'll have to try mouth-to-mouth.

Riaz!

I'm fine now.

-HE COUGHS

-Never felt better. Thanks.

Riaz, this is important!

It's for the Pride of Birmingham Awards, for local heroes.

They give these awards to a right bunch of idiots.

They're bound to give me one!

LAUGHTER

Look, this time, when you choke,

try and make it look more realistic, huh?

-OK.

-MR KHAN SIGHS

Salaam aleikum, Papaji.

Waleikum salam, my little imami.

LAUGHTER

What's going on?

I'm entering Birmingham Pride.

-LAUGHTER

-What?

Birmingham Pride.

Birmingham Pride?

-Like Birmingham

-Pride

-Pride?

Actual Pride?

Yep!

Riaz and I are even recording a special video for it.

LAUGHTER

It's a little bit naughty,

but you only live once, eh?

LAUGHTER

O.M.G.

Will you be in the parade?

Well, I guess so! Right at the front.

Wait till the men down the mosque hear about it.

They'll all want a piece of me! LAUGHTER

RIAZ COUGHS

That's much better, Riaz!

Oh, my God!

I know! He's good, isn't he?

Robert Ruddy Redford, eat your bloomin' heart out!

HE COUGHS LOUDLY

Papaji, he's choking!

Do something!

That's brilliant!

RIAZ COUGHS LOUDLY

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Mr Khan.

Right, very good, Riaz.

This time, we'll record it, hm?

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry, that was the last salted nut...

Fine. We'll have to go with Plan B - fire rescue.

Pass me the petrol.

LAUGHTER

-Sweetie?

-Shh!

What are you doing?!

You can't do that!

That's one of the special glasses!

LAUGHTER

Use this one, much cheaper.

LAUGHTER

It's Shazia and Amjad. They're arguing. Again!

Sweetie, it's none of our business.

She's really yelling at him.

At Amjad? Really?

HE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

They never used to argue. I'm worried something's wrong.

Why should something be wrong?

They're married. They shouldn't be arguing and shouting

at each other all the time.

-We argue.

-No.

-LAUGHTER

Yes, we do. We argue all the time.

-No.

-We argued this morning about who didn't do the flush in the toilet!

LAUGHTER

That wasn't arguing.

Well, it wasn't me!

We don't argue, OK?

We're very happy!

LAUGHTER

You're right.

If only they were more like us, huh?

Come on, let's watch telly. Border Control's on.

One of your cousins might be on it. Again.

LAUGHTER

They've just had a new baby. It can be a very stressful time.

The feeding, the crying, the sleepless nights.

You remember what it was like when we had Shazia!

HE SIGHS Yes, it was very hard.

You slept in the spare room.

And the mattress in there was very hard.

LAUGHTER

It's tough enough being newlyweds,

getting used to each other's little habits.

What habits?

You remember, when we were first married

and we lived in that bedsit.

And there was beard hair all over the sink.

It was disgusting!

Yes, it was.

But I still loved you, my darling.

LAUGHTER

It can put a strain on any relationship.

Even with you know...

What?

You know...

Tang tang! LAUGHTER

Is that what all the noise is?

You shouldn't be listening to that, sweetie, it's not right!

They're not doing it now, you idiot.

Maybe they're not doing it at all!

That could be part of the problem.

Well, they must have done it at least once

or where did baby Mohammad come from?

LAUGHTER

Maybe they need to go away.

Just the two of them together.

You know, rekindle the romance.

Not that you'd know anything about that.

Rubbish!

GROANING

LAUGHTER

This is serious.

Mrs Akram's daughter had a baby

and within a year her husband had run away with the estate agent.

And she and her baby moved back in with her parents!

SHOUTING: What?!

LAUGHTER

I can't hear anything.

It's gone quiet. Maybe they're making up.

-SHAZIA:

-I can't find the spare nappies, have you got them?

Wow! These glasses are amazing.

It sounds like they're in the next room!

LAUGHTER

What are you doing?

LAUGHTER

And that's how you tell if the wallpaper's coming away.

LAUGHTER

Mum, I'll put Mo in his travel cot.

He's been fed, and I've just changed his nappy.

And all his stuff's in the bag.

BABY GURGLES

Amjad, you forgot the nappies.

I thought you were getting the nappies!

No! That was one of your jobs.

I can't do everything, can I, budhoo?

And I can't do anything, can I, ladoo?

LAUGHTER

Oh, it's nice of you to come over.

It's nice to do things together, isn't it?

-SHOUTING:

-Nappies, budhoo!

-SHOUTING:

-I'll get them in a minute, ladoo!

Like shouting.

LAUGHTER

So, Amjad, are you and Shazia managing to

find some time together?

Not really.

It's all about baby Mo now.

We don't get a minute to ourselves.

Not even 30 seconds?

LAUGHTER

What?

10 seconds? Even I can manage 10 seconds.

LAUGHTER

Beti, it's your anniversary today.

Why don't you and Amjad leave baby Mo with us

and go off by yourselves somewhere for a couple of days?

What for?

You know, to spend some time together, be romantic.

You remember romantic, don't you?

-BOTH:

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

-But those days are over.

Why don't you try experimenting a bit?

What?

You know, mix it up a little.

Me and your mother do it all the time!

LAUGHTER

-What?

-Oh, yes!

Last night, I washed and she dried!

LAUGHTER

Oh, right!

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Well, we've got other priorities now, haven't we?

-Yes.

-And I've got an important meeting at the office today.

That's what counts.

You get to work. I'll get the nappies.

Don't worry, sweetie.

Every marriage has its little ups and downs.

It all turns out fine in the end.

Look at me and you!

-Ha!

-LAUGHTER

I'm never getting married.

HE CHUCKLES

That's my girl!

LAUGHTER

MIMICS TANNOY: Ding dong! Pakistani International Airlines,

flight 786... LAUGHTER

approaching the runway at the luxurious

Mr Khan Community Leader Airport!

LAUGHTER

Another spoon?

Good boy!

You like doing things again and again, don't you?

Unlike your parents.

LAUGHTER

What are you doing?

I'm getting ready for my TV audition.

-What?

-There's a new reality TV show being filmed in Birmingham.

-I'm going to get on it!

-Sweetie!

She might turn out like that famous Pakistani Muslim woman

that Alia was telling me about.

What was her name, beti?

-IN SHEEPISH VOICE:

-Kim Kardashian.

LAUGHTER

She's not Pakistani!

Yes, she is! Alia said so.

She's brown and she's married to a Khan.

LAUGHTER

Kanye!

Khan, yeah!

LAUGHTER

Can you give me a lift, Papaji?

I'd love to, beti, but I've got to finish off my Birmingham Pride video.

And you're OK with that?

Well, I'm not entirely happy with it,

but you know what your father's like.

I'm finding out.

LAUGHTER

I'll deal with you later.

You've got to talk to Amjad, man to man.

Find out what's going on.

No bloomin' way!

He's an only child, remember?

Well, there you go. It runs in the family.

What?

Well, Mr Malik doesn't like the tang tang either.

LAUGHTER

Just talk to him!

Sweetie, the only tang tang conversation

between a man and his son-in-law

is the one that I had with your father!

And if he had his way, we'd have no children

and I'd be carrying my down-belows in a jar of mango pickle!

LAUGHTER

Well, in that case, there's nothing else for it.

-This

-is what we have to do.

Jesus, Mary and Jawed!

LAUGHTER

Have you laundered that money?

LAUGHTER

I've been hiding it from you.

This is £200 for Amjad and Shazia.

We use it to buy them a relaxing night away for their anniversary.

That's what they need.

Why not save £100 and just send one of them away?

LAUGHTER

They'll both have a relaxing night, away from each other!

I am trying to save their marriage!

Fine.

I'll go and see old Majid at the travel agents.

He's always selling luxury weekend breaks around Britain.

Last week, he had a special deal to Wigan.

LAUGHTER

It needs to be romantic.

You're right.

Wigan and a bunch of flowers?

LAUGHTER

Come on, puttar.

One more.

FARTING NOISE

LAUGHTER

Awh, you're a naughty little monkey, aren't you?

That wasn't him.

LAUGHTER

-See you later!

-Stop!

I need you to stay at home and look after baby Mo.

Oh, what? Why me?

Because Shazia and Amjad are busy, I've got to go to work.

Now, he'll need feeding and he'll need to sleep, OK?

Sweetie, don't fuss, I'll be fine for a couple of hours.

LAUGHTER

Not you!

You have to drop me off at work and then go to the travel agents.

But... HE SPLUTTERS

HE SIGHS

OK, fine. I'm coming out.

You can say that again.

LAUGHTER

You do realise that once I've won my Pride of Birmingham award,

I won't be dropping you off at this silly supermarket any more?

-Just make sure you book their weekend away.

-Yes, yes.

And you can't park there! This is for parent and child only.

Don't worry, darling. I've already thought of that one.

Here we are. Ah!

You worry too much. Leave it to me, I know what I'm doing.

Feet for dancing, head for thinking.

How many times have I got to tell you?

There you are!

Right.

KHAN HUMS

What?

Hang on!

Oh, twaddi!

Get out the way! Oh, twaddi!

Oh, twaddi! Hey!

What are you doing?

Oh, God!

Get my...

Baldy! Get my car down! What are you doing?

Get my Mercedes down!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS Huh? Oh, God! Oh!

BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY RINGTONE

Hello, Mr Khan speaking.

Oh, hello, sweetie.

Yes, I'll go to the travel agents as soon as I can.

Don't worry. I won't hang about.

OK!

Ah! Oh, God!

Oh, twaddi!

Oh, God!

What do you think you're doing?

What the blooming twaddi do you think you're doing?

I'm Mr Khan, community leader. Get my Mercedes off this thing!

I'm sorry, sir, you were parked in a parent and child spot.

-You don't have a child.

-Yes, I do. Look.

That's a doll.

How dare you.

He's sleeping.

He's only got one arm.

Exactly, I could've parked in the disabled space too.

Look, I'm taking the vehicle to the pound in Dudley.

-You'll have to retrieve it from there.

-I can't go to Dudley.

-Why not?

-I haven't had my jabs!

Then you'll have to pay the release fee.

-£200.

-What?

£200? I haven't got £200.

That looks like £200 to me.

-It is.

-You could use that.

No, that's for my daughter, you see?

She's having marriage problems, so we're booking her a hotel room.

Old Majid's going to sort her out. Bish, bosh.

Look, you have two options,

either I take the car to the pound, or you pay the fine.

There is a third option, I stay sitting here

and you can't tow me away.

Fine. I can wait all day, mate.

But at some point you'll need the loo.

I can hold it in. I've been on Pakistani trains.

Don't they have toilets?

Not if you're sat on the roof.

Nah!

It's taken dedication to get to this point in my career.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Do you know how long it takes to do these nails?

-I hope we get noticed.

-You will. You totally stand out.

Really? Cos I'm the fittest?

No, you're the only one with a baby.

BABY CRIES

Why do people have kids anyway?

Angelina Jolie collects them in all kinds of colours,

so they must be cool.

Yeah, but she's got people to look after hers.

She hardly gets to see them.

That's brilliant.

-Here, you hold him.

-How come?

Goes better with your outfit.

-Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.

-Waleikum salam, Riaz. Hello, Dave.

What are you doing up there?

I'm selling ice creams! What does it look like I am doing?

Got any Magnums?

What? Of course I've not got any Magnums!

Oh. What about strawberry twisters?

Riaz, would you stop talking about food? I haven't eaten for hours.

CARS BEEPING

Mr Khan, you're causing an obstruction.

You could get arrested. I really think you should be careful.

I really think you should be brown, so now we're even.

-BEEPING

-Come on, Mr Khan, come down.

No, thank you. I'm staying put.

If I get out of here,

Dr Evil over there is going to take my car!

Hey, clampaigner!

How about a selfie?

You see, Dave? I'm Mr Khan, community leader. They all know me.

Hey, you're trending!

Hashtag clampaigner!

Mr Khan, your face is all over the internet.

-Is it?

-Look, come down before it gets any worse.

Don't you see, Dave?

This is my chance to achieve something important.

You mean standing up against oppressive parking regulations?

I mean getting a Birmingham Pride award.

Man of the people, isn't it? I'm like Trevor Nelson Mandela.

So, peeps, the next time you'll see me will be on your TV.

And remember, hashtag hijabibabe.

The show starts in 40 minutes,

so just make it happen, OK? Thanks, bye.

Hiya.

-Hello.

-What time we on camera?

I'm sorry, we've got all the people that we need for today,

but maybe if you leave us your details we'll be in touch next time.

-What?

-I couldn't find any nappies,

so I just tied some paper towels together with loo rolls.

Oops.

-Go away!

-OK.

Hold on, is this your baby? Isn't he lovely!

Yeah, whatevs. Listen!

I have done my nails and everything. You know, I'm a Muslim, hijab,

flavour of the month, innit?

You know, there could be something in this.

The director loves a baby!

-Brilliant.

-Get off it! It's mine. It's my baby.

This is Mr Khan speaking.

We shall fight them at the beaches.

Beaches? In Birmingham?

All right, Dave.

-We'll fight them at the Bull Ring!

-Yes!

-We shall fight them at the drive-thru Costa.

-Yes!

Nothing can stand in my way.

-No-one can stop me now.

-Oi!

Oh, twaddi!

Oi!

Oi!

Oh, hello, sweetie.

I didn't see you there.

You are supposed to be saving Shazia and Amjad's marriage!

Sweetie, this isn't about them.

This isn't about me, this isn't even about you.

This is about standing up for the little people.

All right, maybe it's a little bit about you.

What if the police turn up, what then?

Don't be a silly-billy, my darling.

The police aren't going to be bothered with something like this.

-POLICE SIREN

-The police are here.

-Oh, twaddi.

-Just get out of the car and come down.

-I really think you should do as Mrs Khan says.

-No.

But you could be arrested.

-Aren't you worried?

-Nope.

-Why not?

Because I've just seen who they've sent.

Hello, sir.

Officer Dibble.

Please, just try and talk some sense into this idiot.

OK, sweetie. I'll do my best.

How long have you been up here, sir?

Nearly five hours

and I'll be here all night if I have to.

If I keep this up I'll get my Pride Of Birmingham award

and I'll be Birmingham's biggest hero since Bob blooming Carolgees

and Spit the blooming dog!

KHAN SPITS

Only the thing is, sir, is they've asked me to arrest you

and I told Shazia I'd pick her up after her interview.

Amjad, this is a point of principle. It's daylight robbery.

I mean, who has £200 lying about the place?

That looks like £200.

-Give that to me! That's for something else!

-What?

Mrs Khan wants me to go to the travel agent.

-Majid's travel agent?

-Ah.

You better hurry up, then. It closes in 15 minutes.

Oi!

What the hell are you doing?

Hai!

Is everything OK, sir?

Amjad, you know you can talk to me about anything?

-Right.

-Anything at all.

OK.

So, is there anything you want to discuss?

Anything that's worrying you?

Actually...

there is.

-The other day...

-Mm.

-..I looked out of the window...

-Mm.

-..and I saw a bird.

I think it might have been an eagle.

But why would there be an eagle in Sparkhill?

Not eagles, you idiot!

What then?

I want to talk to you about...

cricket!

-Cricket?

-Yes, cricket.

-Now, cricket is a bit like a marriage.

-Right.

You get together and you form a partnership.

And at first you're...sneaking plenty of...

quick ones.

Maybe even twos.

And then you get a new delivery that you weren't expecting

and suddenly you stop scoring and you get very frustrated.

But then you get your timing back,

you remember where all the gaps are,

and before you know it, you're spraying balls all over the place!

Are you talking about tang-tang?

-Yes.

-With Shazia?

-Yes...

-We do that all the time.

-What?

-We're always doing it. It's amazing!

-OK, thank you!

-In fact, I'd say we do it pretty much every night.

-OK, that's enough.

-That's what I say, but Shazia just...

-Stop it!

-I say that too!

Well, Shazia, you've certainly impressed me so far

-and I am not easily impressed.

-Thank you.

You don't get salesperson of the month as often as I have

by being easily impressed.

How many times have you been salesperson of the month?

Oh, no idea!

I don't keep track of details like that!

SHE LAUGHS

-12.

-Wow!

Can I ask what attracted you to this position on my team?

Well, I think it fits my skill set really well,

and I'm keen to progress my career.

Mm. So you should be, you are a very impressive candidate.

I also need to be progressing on the salary scale,

-because I'm the main breadwinner in the family.

-Oh, I see.

Partner not up to much? Bit of a dimwit, is he?

No, no, it's just I don't want him to compromise his dream

by giving up his PCSO police training.

He does sound like a dimwit.

Don't worry. My husband was an idiot too.

That's why I divorced him.

We're very happy.

I just want to provide a more secure future for our family.

I totally get it. Family is absolutely the most important thing.

-Do you have children?

-Yes.

-And do you see a lot of them?

-Of course, I see them every day!

Look!

Oh. I meant...

Oh, you mean in real life?

God, no!

So, this is fun.

We're just like cop buddies, huh?

-Ooh, which ones?

-Turner and Hooch.

-Which one am I?

-You're the dog.

MESSAGE ALERT

Shazia's got a new job.

Great. You must be delighted.

Yes...

It just means she'll be spending a lot of time away from home.

Great. You must be delighted.

She's only taking the job so we can afford to have more children.

-That's why we are having all the...

-Yes, yes!

I wish it was me getting the promotion.

I've always wanted to be a policeman,

ever since I watched that TV show when I was young,

-all about police procedure.

-Top Cat?

Yes, that's the one.

I've been a PSCO for a year now

and not once have they mentioned me becoming an actual police officer.

If I could get a proper job with career opportunities,

Shazia wouldn't need to take her job and be away from me and baby Mo.

I'm going to miss her so much.

CHEERING IN BACKGROUND

Yay, go...

Look, Amjad,

if you could pull off the arrest

of a dangerous, determined

but rather dashing local desperado,

do you think that would help you become a proper policeman?

Definitely!

But where would I find someone like that?

It's me, you idiot.

You're going to arrest me.

And then you'll be a hero.

Oh!

-Oh, thank you, sir.

-Right, Amjad.

-Are you ready for your big moment?

-Yes, sir.

Now, just get out of the car and try not to do anything stupid.

Oh...

KHAN STRAINS

Mr Khan, I'm arresting you for breach of the peace,

trespass, and disorderly behaviour.

It's OK, I'll come quietly.

No road tax, no insurance...

Amjad, don't be an idiot!

..and abusive behaviour and threatening behaviour!

Right, that's enough.

Agh!

Do you feel lucky, punk? Do you? Do you?!

You're going down!

PEPPER SPRAY Ah!

I'm so happy for Amjad. A proper full-time policeman.

"I'm so happy for Amjad."

Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh!

He went to sleep straight away. He must have had fun with you today.

Yeah, we had a great time.

He was really useful...

I mean, well behaved.

I'm so excited for our anniversary trip.

-What's the hotel like, Dad?

-Only the best for you, Shazia.

It's one where all the A-list celebrities stay.

Really? Like who?

Lenny Henry.

It's a Premier Inn!

Thanks, Dad.

-This is the best anniversary ever.

-Ah...

-How are you feeling, sir?

-How do you think I'm feeling?

Is your mouth still hurting?

I'm sorry about the pepper spray.

I was just trying to make it look more realistic,

like the movies.

Which movie? Death Wish?

Don't worry about him.

He's just upset about the Pride Of Birmingham awards.

Oh.

Because Mr Sethi's getting one?

Mr Sethi! But he's an Indian! Why is he getting one?

Rescuing Riaz from choking on some salted peanuts.

-The devious, greedy...

-So, Amjad...

when do you start your new job as a full-time police officer?

Next year. I have to go on a course first.

Is it an assault course?

The important thing is now

Amjad and Shazia can keep trying for more babies!

It makes me excited just thinking about it.

Me too!

Talking of which, we can't stay long.

We need to get to the hotel,

we're having an early night. We're going to be...

Amjad!

Sorry.

I mean...

so we can play CRICKET.

I'm just three away from my CENTURY!

You're a good father, Amjad.

And you too! You did the right thing.

You look after Amjad just like you do your own daughters.

I know. We are good parents.

Eh, come on, let's watch Border Control.

Let's see if we can spot Naani smuggling rotten mangoes

down her shalwar.

We'd better get going.

Are you sure you're OK to have baby Mo?

Yes, of course. Alia is a baby expert now.

Not really.

You're a good girl, beti.

You never give us any trouble, ah?

TV PROGRAMME STARTS

"And today we meet the Muslim girl

"who defied her father to be a single mum!"

STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDS